Ask Agatha: Bullying, How To Trick A Man Into Marriage, And Spoon Booty
Tameka from Durham, NC asks:
It’s been four years, how do I get him to propose?
Honestly, I don’t know for my damn self. No man has ever proposed to me. But I guess I never wanted to be married badly enough. So fuck it, here’s what I think you should do.
Step 1. Get him, in front of witnesses, preferably your parents, to say he eventually wants to marry you.
Step 2. While he’s distracted, show him a few Save the Dates. I wouldn’t explain to him what a Save the Date is…just ask him to pick one. Once he picks one, personalize it, order it and send it out to everyone but his friends. You don’t want his friends involved yet. You want to keep him isolated and without supporters.
Step 3. Put down a hefty, non-refundable deposit on a venue. Tell him you couldn’t resist booking it, after all he did say he wanted to marry you, soon, right, and the venue coordinator said the dates are usually booked a year in advance because they book up fast. Tell him you panicked because this venue is where you’d always dreamed of getting married and you didn’t want to lose the date.
If you get this far, I figure things are going to start getting a little hairy for you. Because he’s going to feel cornered and he’s going to be upset that you’ve already spent a lot of money. Don’t worry though, he’s not going to break up with you and he’s not going to say he doesn’t want to marry you. Trust me, men don’t do the breaking up; he’s just going to try to get you to break up with him. Don’t do it. Gird your loins and don’t let him make you issue any ultimatums. Bite your tongue.
The next few weeks following his blow up, he’s going to start acting out. He’s going to start staying out late, maybe not coming home some nights and he’s going to be in a shitty mood. He might even cheat. Don’t address any of it. Don’t engage him. Remember he’s being dragged kicking and screaming to the altar so be sympathetic but keep forging ahead.
Step 4. Go wedding dress shopping; invite the women in his family–the ones that like you, including that loud, cantankerous aunt with no filter. While you’re all there bonding, recount the story of your engagement. You know, when he asked you, in front of your parents, to marry him. Cry. Tell them you don’t want anyone making him feel bad for not having a ring at the time. Tell them you don’t need much—just his love. At this point they’ve probably heard rumors about you being crazy and not really being engaged but no one is going to have the heart to tell you different. In fact, you’ve just mobilized these women, especially the brash aunt, into pressuring him to get you a ring.
Step 5. While he’s nearby have a loud argument on the phone with the DJ. Say things like “Are you sure playing Justin Bieber’s entire discography is the way to go for the reception?” and “I don’t want the Weeknd for his slow dance with his mom.” At this point, your man is going to be torn. Does he get involved and thereby give his tacit agreement that the wedding is happening or does he let you be in charge of the music to a wedding that’s looking more and more like he’s going to be a part of whether he wants to or not. Trust me, he’s going to get involved.
Step 6. Get married. Enjoy the wedding day.
Step 7. Prepare for your impending divorce. I mean, he did cheat.
Terrance from Tampa, FL asks:
She always wants to cuddle but I get hot.
I bet you get hard too. Every morning. And you poke her with it. Then you wonder why you get rebuffed more often than not. It’s because you’re an idiot.
Everything in nature works against women and in the favor of men. Cuddling is just another one of those things and yet you’ve decided you know better than nature. She doesn’t want to cuddle, nature wants her to cuddle. Cuddling primes her for that morning erection. It’s a perfect storm. It fosters intimacy, cements bonds, builds trust, and reinforces you as her mate and protector. Basically, caveman shit. Cuddling is coochie catnip. You still don’t get it do you? It’s FOREPLAY without the work my nigga! How else do you ever expect to get her to say yes to early morning, mediocre-ass spoon booty? *Shudders* Terrance, sometimes you just have to get out of your own way and be the big spoon.
Vanessa from Kennesaw, GA asks:
My daughter just started middle school and has been getting bullied by some older girls. We tried mediation but she’s still been a target. What do I do?
Nothing. Don’t get involved. The last thing you want is to become the target of a pack of teenage girls yourself. Those little bitches are vicious. Tell your daughter she’s on her own.
You’re going to have to be a little devious. Don’t just tell your daughter it gets better. That’s too long to wait. And don’t have her play possum and hope they get bored. They won’t. And don’t have her try to fight them, either verbally or physically, she’s just going to get her ass kicked and renew their determination to break her.
Here’s what you do instead, turn their bird brains against them by enlisting the aid of a cute older boy—someone between 16 and 21, with a driver’s license. This could be anyone you trust, a cousin, a nephew or a family friend. Pay him if you have to. And let him start taking your daughter to and from school occasionally. He should always get out the car too, so they get a good look at him.
Now sit back and watch as they quickly try to endear themselves to your daughter. Sure, they’re not befriending her for herself, and maybe that’s a terrible lesson to teach her but sometimes there are only terrible lessons to learn.
But, if this doesn’t seem like it will work, you reserve the right to do nothing. Don’t get involved. The last thing you want is to become the target of a pack of teenage girls yourself. Those little bitches are vicious. Tell your daughter she’s on her own.
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