Ask Agatha: Bullying, How To Trick A Man Into Marriage, And Spoon Booty » VSB

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Ask Agatha: Bullying, How To Trick A Man Into Marriage, And Spoon Booty

Tameka from Durham, NC asks:

It’s been four years, how do I get him to propose?

Honestly, I don’t know for my damn self. No man has ever proposed to me. But I guess I never wanted to be married badly enough. So fuck it, here’s what I think you should do.

Step 1. Get him, in front of witnesses, preferably your parents, to say he eventually wants to marry you.

Step 2. While he’s distracted, show him a few Save the Dates. I wouldn’t explain to him what a Save the Date is…just ask him to pick one. Once he picks one, personalize it, order it and send it out to everyone but his friends. You don’t want his friends involved yet. You want to keep him isolated and without supporters.

Step 3. Put down a hefty, non-refundable deposit on a venue. Tell him you couldn’t resist booking it, after all he did say he wanted to marry you, soon, right, and the venue coordinator said the dates are usually booked a year in advance because they book up fast. Tell him you panicked because this venue is where you’d always dreamed of getting married and you didn’t want to lose the date.

If you get this far, I figure things are going to start getting a little hairy for you. Because he’s going to feel cornered and he’s going to be upset that you’ve already spent a lot of money. Don’t worry though, he’s not going to break up with you and he’s not going to say he doesn’t want to marry you. Trust me, men don’t do the breaking up; he’s just going to try to get you to break up with him. Don’t do it. Gird your loins and don’t let him make you issue any ultimatums. Bite your tongue.

The next few weeks following his blow up, he’s going to start acting out. He’s going to start staying out late, maybe not coming home some nights and he’s going to be in a shitty mood. He might even cheat. Don’t address any of it. Don’t engage him. Remember he’s being dragged kicking and screaming to the altar so be sympathetic but keep forging ahead.

Step 4. Go wedding dress shopping; invite the women in his family–the ones that like you, including that loud, cantankerous aunt with no filter. While you’re all there bonding, recount the story of your engagement. You know, when he asked you, in front of your parents, to marry him. Cry. Tell them you don’t want anyone making him feel bad for not having a ring at the time. Tell them you don’t need much—just his love. At this point they’ve probably heard rumors about you being crazy and not really being engaged but no one is going to have the heart to tell you different. In fact, you’ve just mobilized these women, especially the brash aunt, into pressuring him to get you a ring.

Step 5. While he’s nearby have a loud argument on the phone with the DJ. Say things like “Are you sure playing Justin Bieber’s entire discography is the way to go for the reception?” and “I don’t want the Weeknd for his slow dance with his mom.” At this point, your man is going to be torn. Does he get involved and thereby give his tacit agreement that the wedding is happening or does he let you be in charge of the music to a wedding that’s looking more and more like he’s going to be a part of whether he wants to or not. Trust me, he’s going to get involved.

Step 6. Get married. Enjoy the wedding day.

Step 7. Prepare for your impending divorce. I mean, he did cheat.

Terrance from Tampa, FL asks:

She always wants to cuddle but I get hot.

I bet you get hard too. Every morning. And you poke her with it. Then you wonder why you get rebuffed more often than not. It’s because you’re an idiot.

Everything in nature works against women and in the favor of men. Cuddling is just another one of those things and yet you’ve decided you know better than nature. She doesn’t want to cuddle, nature wants her to cuddle. Cuddling primes her for that morning erection. It’s a perfect storm. It fosters intimacy, cements bonds, builds trust, and reinforces you as her mate and protector. Basically, caveman shit. Cuddling is coochie catnip. You still don’t get it do you? It’s FOREPLAY without the work my nigga! How else do you ever expect to get her to say yes to early morning, mediocre-ass spoon booty? *Shudders* Terrance, sometimes you just have to get out of your own way and be the big spoon.

Vanessa from Kennesaw, GA asks:

My daughter just started middle school and has been getting bullied by some older girls. We tried mediation but she’s still been a target. What do I do?

Nothing. Don’t get involved. The last thing you want is to become the target of a pack of teenage girls yourself. Those little bitches are vicious. Tell your daughter she’s on her own.

I’m joking.

You’re going to have to be a little devious. Don’t just tell your daughter it gets better. That’s too long to wait. And don’t have her play possum and hope they get bored. They won’t. And don’t have her try to fight them, either verbally or physically, she’s just going to get her ass kicked and renew their determination to break her.

Here’s what you do instead, turn their bird brains against them by enlisting the aid of a cute older boy—someone between 16 and 21, with a driver’s license. This could be anyone you trust, a cousin, a nephew or a family friend. Pay him if you have to. And let him start taking your daughter to and from school occasionally. He should always get out the car too, so they get a good look at him.

Now sit back and watch as they quickly try to endear themselves to your daughter. Sure, they’re not befriending her for herself, and maybe that’s a terrible lesson to teach her but sometimes there are only terrible lessons to learn.

But, if this doesn’t seem like it will work, you reserve the right to do nothing. Don’t get involved. The last thing you want is to become the target of a pack of teenage girls yourself. Those little bitches are vicious. Tell your daughter she’s on her own.

***If you have any questions for Agatha, please reach us at contact@verysmartbrothas.com with the subject line “Ask Agatha”***

Agatha Guilluame

Agatha is a figment of the collective VSB imagination.

  • PhlyyPhree

    “Step 6. Get married. Enjoy the wedding day.

    Step 7. Prepare for your impending divorce. I mean, he did cheat.”

    I spit out my Herbalife shake at my screen. Thank you. I didn’t really need those calories anyway.

    Also, Vanessa? Needs to enroll her daughter in either a track club or taekwondo. She can either learn to run from the bullies or beat some azz.

    • Epsilonicus

      I would recommend jujitsu. Once someone sees an arm bend into an unnatural position, they begin to reconsider and read the literature on the subject…

      • Nick Peters

        If your going to go…go 100%

        Krav Maga

      • FILTHIER

        Beat that AZZ and if you need me to, I will beat some AZZ too!

    • miss t-lee

      I suggest the beat azz route.

    • AlwaysCC

      that damned step 7 did me in.

      • StillSuga

        Also, lol

      • PhlyyPhree

        Man look. I don’t even know why I was surprised but it still caught me off guard

      • Jennifer

        #7 was a prime example of lady logic…and I love Agatha for it.

    • Real talk, track girls can fight. I saw two of them jump some dude in a club and I was pretty alarmed.

      • PhlyyPhree

        As a former sprinter, I approve this message

        • I concur. Two girls on my squad (sisters actually) stayed in some mess.

          • brothaskeeper

            I ran long distance, so by the time my races were over, the dust had settled from all the fracas.

      • Brass Tacks

        Yea, track chicks stay ready. Sprinters tend to be some of the most hostile human beings around, prior to a race.

        • QuirlyGirly

          I was on the track and field team in school. We was always breaking up squabbles that the sprint team was starting #fiesty

  • *cries real tears* Love this!!

  • Detroit Skater

    how to get him to marry you……

    #3 reminds me of paula patton in “just wright” when she was trying to reserve a hall and she and common had just got back together.

    #4 reminds me of a friend who told a young lady on their first date that he can see himself marrying her. she seriously went out and bought a dress…..they did get married, but it lasted less than six month.

    • AlwaysCC

      i refuse to believe that story about your friend and his ex-wife.

      • Detroit Skater

        LOL….true story! some ish seem fictional, but it’s not. it was a hot mess of a relationship. she didn’t care for his child. didn’t even want the child at the wedding. his family didn’t care for her. i was asked to be in the wedding then asked not be *snicker* (i was/am his friend me and the bride didn’t care for each other). i did get to go to the wedding and was there for my friend when he called a little over five months later b/c she went to chicago to visit some dude.

        • AlwaysCC

          wow. just wow.

          • Detroit Skater

            on a happy note….he did meet and marry a real nice young lady and added a son to his family. :-)

            • AlwaysCC

              i’m glad things worked out for him in the end!!

  • Jennifer

    “Cuddling primes her for that morning erection. It’s a perfect storm. It fosters intimacy, cements bonds, builds trust, and reinforces you as her mate and protector. Basically, caveman shit. Cuddling is coochie catnip. You still don’t get it do you? It’s FOREPLAY without the work my nigga! How else do you ever expect to get her to say yes to early morning, mediocre-ass spoon booty?”

    MESSAGE!

    • Nick Peters

      Teach

    • Let the Lord use you!

      • Jennifer

        Everyone has a purpose.

    • Peaches
    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Lies.

      Broad be the first to forget who had her on her half of the rent last month. She gonna remember a little snuggle at night?

      Don’t even get into any quid pro quo family!
      Worse than a spades game, big butt and a smile be the first to renege!

      • Jennifer

        Who was she? What did she do to you, Beloved?

        *activates the Iyanla bosom*

        • QuirlyGirly

          Hold him girl! You know he hurting something awful he compared her to reneging at a spades game! SMH

          *humming a tune to soothe his hurt soul

        • brothaskeeper

          I feel like the Iyanla bosom is the best kind of bosom.

    • brothaskeeper

      I feel like spoon booty is the best kind of booty.

      • Jennifer

        You got all kinds of feelings.

        *not sure if I should activate the booty or the bosom*

        LOL!

        • brothaskeeper

          Surprise me.

          • Jennifer

            Woo! I think should deactivate this sangria and get off the interwebs. GN!

  • LMAO mediocre spoon booty…I’m done!

  • Brass Tacks

    “Cuddling is coochie catnip”

    Real live truth.

    • LadyIbaka

      ?!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      One of the few places where just the tip can lead to living out your John Holmes fantasies.

    • Whys_Words

      Especially when you’ve already played it down like you can’t stand it or don’t already know the deal…

      • PhlyyPhree

        OH???? IS THAT THE GAME??

        *asking in all caps for a friend*

        • Whys_Words

          lol Not necessarily….it’s a matter of perspective. Damn near all men have no problem cuddling, but only for soo long. The problem arises from our belief that women’s time tolerance for cuddling exceeds ours by a landslide. Long story short: We lower your expectations (in that regard) to reach a happy medium for both of us!
          Now if some of yall take a little cuddling as “ooh he must REALLY be feeling me!” Then you’ve gamed yourself!

    • SweetReserved

      Coochie catnip = word of the day. VSB improving our vocabulary by clever epigrams lol

      • CamCamtheGreat

        **jots down “epigram”**

        • Joi

          Can I borrow that pen when you’re done lol

    • CallmePanda

      Hate cuddling.

      • PhlyyPhree

        Whaaaaaaaa?
        How do you…how can you….THAT”S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!

        • CallmePanda

          Especially not after. Why do we need to touch and we’re done? Before…meh as well.

          • PhlyyPhree

            Oh my.
            This is so odd to me. If I like you, I want to touch you. It means I think you’re pretty/handsome/overdressed/etc

            • cakes_and_pies

              I’m not anti-cuddling like that, but i can put my foot over your leg and be fine with that. I’d don’t need your radiant heat sweating my hair out.

              • PhlyyPhree

                Yea, that’s what I just said upthread. I don’t need full body contact, just a couple of touch points here and there.

              • MsSula

                Ya know?? I can do without that for real.

            • CallmePanda

              I’m big on kissing and touching. But the being held for an extended (more than 20 seconds) period of time isn’t for me.

      • Brass Tacks

        Girl, stop playin and come get this spoon.

        • LadyIbaka

          Humming ‘murder she wrote, murder she wrote’ do you like reggae?

          • PhlyyPhree

            LMAO!!!!
            I see you.

            • LadyIbaka

              Giiiiiiirl, giiiiirl!! The Lord is my Shephard I shall not want.

            • MsSula

              She stays ready! Loll

              • PhlyyPhree

                Don’t she though?? I was like, well DAMN! Somebody better come save ol girl, she knows not what she types

        • CallmePanda

          Love spooning! If it’s going to lead to something, otherwise let’s not.

      • MsSula

        Hate might be too strong a word… but yeah, I am not into being held or what not while trying to go to sleep… or right after. After, I need some space.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Maybe that’s where I’m misconstruing things. I don’t necessarily need to be held, but a hand strategically placed on my booty or ONE leg touching, I’m always here for that

        • miss t-lee

          Cuddling is the jam, but not while I’m trying to sleep.

          • Epsilonicus

            What?!?!? I am tryna fall asleep wrapping you in these muscular arms of mine and you gonna deny that?!?!?! #travesty

            • miss t-lee

              Hahahha.
              I’m hot natured. I need air.

        • Same. Like, I’m cool without the extra body heat, thankyouverymuch.

        • Thank you. My husband is the one who prefers the cuddling but sleeps at 8,000 degrees talmbout “I’m cold” while he stays sweating up the sheets trying to pull me in. Baby I love you but I will not die from heat exposure because you need to achieve a temperature that matches the surface of the sun. I need to be in the spot on the other side of the bed that is dry and cool and when I need to warm up , I will approach with caution, and very briefly. But my one foot can touch your leg so you know I love you, tho.

          • MsSula

            “But my one foot can touch your leg so you know I love you, tho”

            #Truth

          • cakes_and_pies

            Dudes in July be like IJusWannaCuddle

        • Asiyah

          for real. you were just inside. let me breathe!

      • Asiyah

        Cuddling sucks!

        • LadyIbaka

          I’ont know who ya’ll cuddling because, cuddling is quite snaggy.

          • Epsilonicus

            Heck yeah!

  • Nick Peters

    “If you could crystalize how ALL of my relationships end…”

    – men don’t do the breaking up; he’s just going to try to get you to break up with him.

    • PUNK!

      • Nick Peters

        Ehh…

  • Dwight Johnson

    Vanessa needs to teach her daughter how to plant dope in people’s lockers and book bags. If she can’t deal with her bullies then let the system deal with them.

    • Savagery!

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      I endorse this.

      I’m making t-shirts and pamphlets as we speak.

    • Peaches

      Mandatory sentencing will shut all of that down. You can’t bully nobody through plexiglass and video phones

      • Melissa

        Truth. Even Avon Barksdale had to watch, wait and mix questionable hotshots to get back to the business of being a d*ck.

      • Epsilonicus

        Ehhh…

    • Medium Meech

      I agree with the spirit of what you’re saying, but teaching the baby to buy drugs and break and enter could have some unintended consequences. Like becoming the most popular girl in school.

  • Tosin Otitoju

    hilarious!

  • Medium Meech

    Spooning may lead to some short term carnal benefits but it’s not healthy for the relationship to associate intimacy with intercourse in the long run simply because men are simple creatures. Pavlovian conditioning, we start associating intimacy and physical contact and embracing with instant gratification and you have problems that YOU created down the road. “Why can’t you just hold me?” “Why were you smelling my great aunt Pudding’s hair when she hugged you?” “Can’t a massage just be a massage?” “Demetrius Grande, this is my aunt Pudding’s funeral and I have been crying into your shoulder for an hour and you are holding my mothers hand, WHY ARE YOU HARD! Cover that… don’t use the program, IT HAS HER PICTURE ON IT! That’s… a bible. NO I WILL NOT COME TO THE BATHROOM WITH YOU!” You create the problem and then want to walk away from the responsibility.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      but @agathaguilluame:disqus gave you the roadmap to get dem drawers. I

      • Medium Meech

        There was once a dream that was Toddgatha. You could only whisper it.
        Anything more than a whisper and it would vanish… it was so fragile.
        And I fear that it will not survive the winter.

        Many would say such a precarious dream is of too little substance to bear weight in the decisions of a mans life. But as unsubstantial as it truly may be, it is the full measure of whatever purpose my life holds, as insignificant as that may be.

        I’ve always known I could never truly engage in anything romantic with Agatha, simply because doing anything that could extinguish the last ember of this fleeting ideal that is Toddgathatha would render my life meaningless.

        • NomadaNare

          *Slow Clap*

          • Agatha Guilluame

            Don’t encourage his fuckery.

    • Brass Tacks

      Get outta my head, Meech.

    • DBoySlim

      You gon get me fired

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      They don’t realize, this is the equivalent of a terrorist attack EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    • MsSula

      Why he gotta be Demetrius Grande though? *crine*

      • Medium Meech

        That’s where Medium Meech comes from. I blame Starbucks.

    • NomadaNare

      Free me from moderation!

    • Epsilonicus

      As a married man, I approve this message.

    • Asiyah

      I don’t like to create problems and then walk away from the responsibility. I like to take a look at my work. Check yourself, boo.

      • Medium Meech

        If you’re trying to tell me what I think you are then… meet me in the bathroom in 5, bring a cup of pudding and wear black pantyhose, I still have some things I need to work out.

        • Asiyah

          I’m too lazy. YOU come over here!

          • Medium Meech

            You know me too well. As a gentleman I’m obliged to come wherever you want.

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