Ask A Very Smart Brotha: “I Want My Husband To Know He Broke His Mistress’s Heart”

***The Champ’s latest at Madame Noire puts away the snark and gives some advice to a woman conflicted about her husband and his old mistress***

I have been married for 12 years. About two years ago I found out that my husband had an affair. Since then we have decided to work on our relationship and repair our marriage. However, what still concerns me regarding my husband is the emotional connection he had with this other female. She and I had an extended conversation were she admitted her love and desire for my husband. To be honest I feel bad for her. Yes she had an affair with a married man but a broken heart is abroken heart. What I want my husband to realize is the negative impact that he made not only in our lives, but in this other women’s also. Am I asking or expecting to much?

Sincerely,

Mistress on My Mind

 

Dear Mistress on My Mind,

Wow. Your husband needs to thank God every night for allowing him to marry such a caring, compassionate, and forgiving woman. I know there are people who’d consider a woman taking back a cheating man to be weak or a pushover, but if you trust that it was a one-time thing, the type of strength it takes to move on from that and legitimately forgive is rare.

With that being said, I do wonder why you feel the need to have your husband “realize the negative effect” of breaking the heart of the woman who almost ended your marriage. If you’ve made the mutual decision to repair your relationship, I’m sure this decision has come with the realization that he effed up and needs to make amends. And, while your concern for your husband’s mistress is commendable, I wonder if your concern is about her or if you just want your husband to feel worse about what he did. If it’s the latter, you haven’t actually forgave him yet, and maybe the relationship repairs aren’t going as well as you think they are.

You’ve been put in an unenviable position by actions made by your husband and your mistress—actions that were completely out of your control. Now, by attempting to forgive and focus on your marriage, you’ve asserted control. Keep that control by keeping the focus on your marriage—the relationship between you and your husband—and not your husband’s mistress. As I stated earlier, it’s commendable that you’re even able to harbor any type of positive thoughts or feelings about her. But, learn from your husband’s mistake. He almost ended your marriage by bringing another person in the picture. Don’t ruin the reconciliation by bringing her back.

Read more at Madame Noire

  • http://www.saysmeblog.wordpress.com Aly

    Great advice!

    • http://www.saysmeblog.wordpress.com Aly

      Oh, also… FIRST!

  • Sweet GA Brown

    There was nothing about that situation that made sense to me. Champ, you was very delicate with your delivery.

    • mena

      +1

  • Daisy

    I can understand where the wife is coming from but I would like to know how shes so sure her hubby doesn’t understand the negative impact he had on the mistress as I’m guessing this isn’t something he would discuss with his forgiving wife. I pray it all works out for them and their marriage.

  • GirlSixx

    She’s feelin sorry for the Mistress??!!! o____o

    She’s a much better WOMAN than me!!

  • Lovely One

    I wouldn’t give 2 sh*ts about the mistress.

    We already know the hubby was dirty…and I’m sure the wife has addressed him (rereads…actually not too sure). But anyways, did the mistress continue seeing a married man after learning the truth? If so, I can see how this wife can feel sorry for the mistress’ feelings when the mistress failed to consider the feelings of the wife.

    Oh…and I’m new here. Hi yall!!!

    • SororSalsa

      ITA…when this situation comes up, it’s often assumed that the other woman knew the man was married. Now, men usually give signs that they are in a relationship/married and those can be ignored, but folks (not just men) can be dirty and string someone along for a while before the truth comes out

      That said….even if the other woman didn’t know the man was married, I think it’s reaching to truly feel bad for her. It does sound like the wife does want to continue to punish the husband, albeit in a passive aggressive way that makes it seem as though she is not doing it directly.

    • SororSalsa

      Hi and Welcome Lovely One!

  • Lovely One

    Exactly!!!

    And thanks for the welcome :-)

  • SweetSass

    This chick is trippin.

  • Wild Cougar

    Lots of people forgive the cheating spouse. Happens every day. Absolutely UN rare.

  • http://justlissen.wordpress.com justlissen

    I wonder if by “caring” for the mistress she is indirectly “caring” for herself. If it were me, I would wonder how my husband professing his devotion and lust onto a mistress while neglecting me, could then abjectly abandon the once-new object of his affection to return dedication back to me. Maybe she’s questioning the rashness of his decisions. Because if he can discard the girl he worked so hard to hide, where does she stand?

  • ELLA JONES

    ME AND MY HUSBAND BROKE UP 2 YEARS AGO BECAUSE I WAS NOT ABLE TO GIVE HIM A CHILD, I MISSED HIM SO MUCH. SO I DECIDED TO CONTACT (THE TEMPLE OF REUNITING EX SPELL) HE TOLD ME HE CAN HELP ME SOLVE THE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH MY HUSBAND SO I DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A TRY, HE CAST THE SPELL AND TODAY I AM HAPPY WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY 8 MONTHS OLD BABY. ALL THANKS TO THIS GREAT MAN, IF YOU ARE IN THE SAME SHOE WITH ME I WILL ADVISE YOU TO GIVE HIM A TRY. HIS EMAIL (reunitingexspell@gmail.com) ONCE AGAIN DR.MAGBU YOU ARE GREAT. ELLA JONES