Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: 180 Day Rule, Brownie Points & Stringing You Along

***The Champ’s latest at Madame Noire takes questions about V-Day, the 90 day rule, and, well, that’s about it***

Nina: If a man tells a woman he only wants to be friends… Why does he still show interest?

DY: Because saying “I don’t want a relationship and I want to be friends” is usually manspeak for “I want to continue to hit it as long as I can without you hating me. And, if you catch feelings, I want to always be able to come back and say “But…I said I didn’t want a relationship”

Shaleith: Ok I have a question….why can’t someone see that squandering away their money on unnecessary things when they have bills to pay is madness?

DY: “Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept?”

Candis: Why is it guys talk about doing something nice, like cook you dinner, or take you out. Then in the same breath say “and then screw your brains out” like that’s suppose to make me feel like a woman? Why do they mess up the vibe like that?

DY: Some guys suck at communication. And, when you suck at communication, you’re not very good at seduction. One thing you have to realize, though, is that for some women, hearing “I’m going to screw your brains out” turns them on even more. Perhaps that’s want he’s used to dealing with. Basically, it’s up to you to express to him that hearing things like that take you out of the mood. If you don’t tell him, how will he know?

Norca: I need a Valentine’s Day gift idea for my BF. He has everything already! Please help! Thanks!

DY: Experiences—tickets to a game, a personalized lap dance video, a weekend getaway, etc—never hurt. Neither does a steak and BJ.

Wanda: Steve Harvey suggests we make a man wait 6 months before giving him ‘the cookie’. Is a man going to wait that long, or is he just getting his cookies somewhere else while you make him wait? And is a woman who doesn’t make a man wait a keeper?

DY: I thought it was 90 days, not 180? Oh well. Anyway, if a guy really wants to be with you, it’s not going to matter how long he has to wait (or how quick it happens). Obviously, if you make someone wait 20 years (or give it up in 20 seconds), that’s probably not going to end well, but aside from staying away from extremes, there’s really no arbitrary set time on how long you should wait to sleep with a man.

The only clock you should be on is your own. Basically, ask yourself if you’re ready, and don’t do it unless you’re 100% sure your answer is yes.

Erica: Why do men want brownie points for what they as a MAN in the relationship are suppose to be doing in the first place? I understand appreciation but doing the bare minimum isn’t really doing anything at all.

DY: Doesn’t everyone strive for brownie points, though? Couldn’t you say the same thing about women who want praise for being independent? I agree that it’s annoying, but this isn’t a gender specific trait.

Read more at Madame Noire

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • Dear Erica,

    Please show me this definitive list of things that a man in a relationship is supposed to do. We missed it in last month’s man meeting.

    • YeahSo


  • Negro Libre


    If you make a man that you’re attracted to, wait 90-180 days to sleep with you, and you end up being mediocre in bed or un-pornstarish, I guarantee that within 90-180 days your man would have cheated on you as well, and my God I hope he does smh.

    The more you put your pu$$y on a pedestal the more pressure you put on yourself to be a freak throughout the entire relationship. The less you put your pu$$y on a pedestal, the more likely the other things you bring the table are going to be honestly acknowledged and the less sex is going to be the defining factor of your relationship. However, if you have nothing else substantial to offer and your body and your sexuality are the only things you have of value to guys, then yeah make a dude wait 90-180 days – at least you’ll live up to it.

  • ObamasLittleBrother

    My relationship advice is to ignore all relationship advice! There is no such thing as rules as each relationship dynamic changes with each relationship. Personally, If a woman told me that she is applying some rule to our relationship she already lost my interest. I am not any of the previous people you were in a relationship with; I am not the source of any previous heart-breaks, I didnt cause you to make any decisions you now wish you had not made. I am a individual and dammit I expect to be treated as such!

  • kid video

    I needed that Ghostface reference.

  • A Woman’s Eyes

    I have never in my life been insulted by a man I’m seeing saying he’s going to screw my brains out. That woman should have smiled and said, “Beautiful!”

    If a man does the bare minimum and you’ve already told him exactly what you want him to do to make you happy, dump him. Don’t even drag it out. Dump him and find a man who wants to do those things with you that makes you happy.

  • MistressMJ

    I Love my fat ass and black men. i know they love my ass also

    • Very smart brothas, I did not post the above data to your blog. Someone is playing with my website address. Any time site name is posted the activity report shows the location. Feel free to erase such entries.

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