CBS Baltimore screenshot
We’re less than a week away from Jesus Day. Which also makes us less than a week away from the 2016th anniversary of his death and resurrection. Which also means there have been 2016 years worth of artistic depictions of him. Some great. Some not so great. And some that look eerily similar to a swarthier Drake.
But which one is the best? Which artificial Jesus is the GOAT of artificial Jesuses? Let’s see!
(Oh, and for the sake of time and space. I’ve limited the list to 10. Just can’t include each of the millions of off-brand Jesuses out there.)
10. Roid-Rage Jesus
I don’t mind a diesel Jesus. Especially since we’re all very well aware that the Devil is a CrossFit instructor. So he needs to be in good shape to win those battles. But Roid-Rage Jesus is taking it a bit too far, and needs to be a strip club bouncer or in a strongman competition, not my Lord and Savior. How is he going to turn water into wine if he’s breaking the goblets?
I get what was attempted to be conveyed here. I really do. I also appreciate that this Jesus is comfortable in pink. He existed over 2000 years ago; well before Cam’Ron made pink cool for guys again, and I like that Radioactive Jesus is secure in his manhood. Making things awkward, though, is the halo. Which is supposed to be yellow, but is some type of fluorescent off green instead. Which makes me wonder if this Jesus was crucified at Chernobyl.
8. Black Klingon Jesus
We’ve already discussed the Rondo-handed Black Klingon Jesus in Ben Carson’s home ad nauseum. But one thing I just now noticed is that Black Klingon Jesus looks kinda like Owen Wilson too.
7. RG3 Jesus
For Washingtonians, RG3 Jesus should be all the proof you need that Daniel Snyder is truly the Antichrist. Because who the hell would release Jesus just because he ruined his knee and his confidence playing for your preternaturally shitty team?
6. Korean Jesus
Regardless of what you say or how you feel about him, Korean Jesus looks like a Jesus that gets shit done. If you need lives saved or lawns landscaped or heroin packaged, Korean Jesus is the man for you. Do not fuck with Korean Jesus. Korean Jesus is on papers. And Korean Jesus has people also on papers.
5. Kind Of A Diva Jesus
Ok, so I’m kind of cheating here. This isn’t an artistic depiction of Jesus. This is a still from Jesus Christ Superstar, and the Jesus pictured is portrayed by Ted Neely. But I’m shoehorning him on this list because 1) Norman Jewison (the director) is an artist and 2) Diva Jesus — which this Jesus totally was — is the most realistic Jesus I’ve seen. I mean, just think about the last month or so of his life. He knows he’s about to be kidnapped, tried, and toutured and his boys are still giving him a hard time about box wine and finding shade. Who wouldn’t be a diva in those circumstances?
4. Cat Daddy Jesus (Also known as Hebrew Israelite Jesus and Shaft In Africa Jesus)
Will save your soul. And all of your soul music. And, if necessary, show you the knots of 20s he carries in both socks. Might also date your cousin.
3. Puppy Dog Black Jesus
Puppy Dog Black Jesus might seem like a weak and ineffective Jesus. After all, he is a puppy dog. And puppy dogs aren’t fierce. But can you imagine attempting to sin — or even consider sinning — while looking in Puppy Dog Black Jesus’s big and sad and kinda judgy eyes?
2. Desperado Jesus
Desperado Jesus is here to save lives, kick ass, and chew bubble gum. And he’s all out of bubble gum.
1. Jesus Shuttlesworth
I know, I know, I know. I’m cheating again. But Jesus Shuttlesworth had everything Jesus of Nazareth had (a mysterious father, a Latina girlfriend with a shady background, etc) and everything I’d want in a present-day Jesus. Namely, a perfect jumpshot. And the ability to rock a jumper and a tank top and not look a damn fool.