Artistic Depictions Of Jesus, Ranked » VSB

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Artistic Depictions Of Jesus, Ranked

CBS Baltimore screenshot

 

We’re less than a week away from Jesus Day. Which also makes us less than a week away from the 2016th anniversary of his death and resurrection. Which also means there have been 2016 years worth of artistic depictions of him. Some great. Some not so great. And some that look eerily similar to a swarthier Drake.

But which one is the best? Which artificial Jesus is the GOAT of artificial Jesuses? Let’s see!

(Oh, and for the sake of time and space. I’ve limited the list to 10. Just can’t include each of the millions of off-brand Jesuses out there.)

10. Roid-Rage Jesus

10 roid

I don’t mind a diesel Jesus. Especially since we’re all very well aware that the Devil is a CrossFit instructor. So he needs to be in good shape to win those battles. But Roid-Rage Jesus is taking it a bit too far, and needs to be a strip club bouncer or in a strongman competition, not my Lord and Savior. How is he going to turn water into wine if he’s breaking the goblets?

9. Radioactive Jesus9 radio

I get what was attempted to be conveyed here. I really do. I also appreciate that this Jesus is comfortable in pink. He existed over 2000 years ago; well before Cam’Ron made pink cool for guys again, and I like that Radioactive Jesus is secure in his manhood. Making things awkward, though, is the halo. Which is supposed to be yellow, but is some type of fluorescent off green instead. Which makes me wonder if this Jesus was crucified at Chernobyl.

8. Black Klingon Jesus 

carson-and-jesus

We’ve already discussed the Rondo-handed Black Klingon Jesus in Ben Carson’s home ad nauseum. But one thing I just now noticed is that Black Klingon Jesus looks kinda like Owen Wilson too.

7. RG3 Jesus

7 rg3

For Washingtonians, RG3 Jesus should be all the proof you need that Daniel Snyder is truly the Antichrist. Because who the hell would release Jesus just because he ruined his knee and his confidence playing for your preternaturally shitty team?

6. Korean Jesus

korean jesus

Regardless of what you say or how you feel about him, Korean Jesus looks like a Jesus that gets shit done. If you need lives saved or lawns landscaped or heroin packaged, Korean Jesus is the man for you. Do not fuck with Korean Jesus. Korean Jesus is on papers. And Korean Jesus has people also on papers.

5. Kind Of A Diva Jesus

JesusChristSuperstar-Ted-Neeley

Ok, so I’m kind of cheating here. This isn’t an artistic depiction of Jesus. This is a still from Jesus Christ Superstar, and the Jesus pictured is portrayed by Ted Neely. But I’m shoehorning him on this list because 1) Norman Jewison (the director) is an artist and 2) Diva Jesus — which this Jesus totally was — is the most realistic Jesus I’ve seen. I mean, just think about the last month or so of his life. He knows he’s about to be kidnapped, tried, and toutured and his boys are still giving him a hard time about box wine and finding shade. Who wouldn’t be a diva in those circumstances?

4. Cat Daddy Jesus (Also known as Hebrew Israelite Jesus and Shaft In Africa Jesus)

hebrew isrealite

Will save your soul. And all of your soul music. And, if necessary, show you the knots of 20s he carries in both socks. Might also date your cousin.

3. Puppy Dog Black Jesus

2361764570_2d37a74d5a_o

Puppy Dog Black Jesus might seem like a weak and ineffective Jesus. After all, he is a puppy dog. And puppy dogs aren’t fierce. But can you imagine attempting to sin — or even consider sinning — while looking in Puppy Dog Black Jesus’s big and sad and kinda judgy eyes?

2. Desperado Jesus

desperado jesus

Desperado Jesus is here to save lives, kick ass, and chew bubble gum. And he’s all out of bubble gum.

1. Jesus Shuttlesworth

he-got-game1

I know, I know, I know. I’m cheating again. But Jesus Shuttlesworth had everything Jesus of Nazareth had (a mysterious father, a Latina girlfriend with a shady background, etc) and everything I’d want in a present-day Jesus. Namely, a perfect jumpshot. And the ability to rock a jumper and a tank top and not look a damn fool.

 

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Why am I so tickled at Radioactive Jesus tho?

  • miss t-lee

    Shaft in Africa Jesus? I can’t stand you mayne…lol

    No love for buff dreads Jesus?

    https://media.licdn.com/mpr/mpr/AAEAAQAAAAAAAAKyAAAAJDkyYTJjZjlkLWM2YmYtNGRlNS05MjIzLWYyYjgxOWEwZTc2Zg.jpg

    • TJ

      Multiple poses dreadlock Jesus is definitely the most iconic! Lol.

      • miss t-lee

        Already.

      • My fave! I used to text it all the time to my friends, lol

        • miss t-lee

          I thought about you when I wrote my comment. Hoped you would chime in.

    • I refer to this as Real N igga Jesus”. He is hanging in the house of several friends and family. I think he was locked up with an uncle at some point.

      • miss t-lee

        *hollering*

    • Londa

      That wrap-around robe and pose gives off Beyoncé/”Dreamgirls” vibes. Deena doesn’t belong on the cross.

      • miss t-lee

        *hollering*

    • Vanity in Peril

      That’s a Jesus I’d prostrate myself for.

      *sees self out

      • miss t-lee

        Oh dear…lol

    • Tyrell Holmes

      his baby pic pose tho….like a BAWSE!!!

      • miss t-lee

        Ain’t it though?!

    • philkizer

      We used to call this one “Method Man” Jesus or “Roy Jones” Jesus.

      • miss t-lee

        HAHAHA

  • miss t-lee

    If my Jesus was RG3, I’d just go ahead and pack it in.

  • TJ

    I’m I’m calling Radioactive Jesus El Debarge Jesus. That settles it.

    Jesus definitely wept when remembering he posed next to Ben Carson.

  • Mizwest

    Desperado Jesus is definitely going handle it.

    • miss t-lee

      Fa sho.

    • Desperado Jesus turned bird shot into buckshot with the wave of his hand. #7sto00

      • Lea Thrace

        Your countryness is always refreshing sir!

      • brothaskeeper

        Sawed off shotgun, hand on the pump….

      • Tambra

        Wonder if he passing out the holy herb?

  • El Dorado Jesus is giving me all kinds of Snoop Dogg vibes

  • Lea Thrace

    Yo. Let me just sit my behind right next to Damon on this Express Bus to He!!. I dont know what I was thinking believing that heaven was my destination. I do read VSB daily after all. This foolishness right here just sealed the deal.

    • cryssi

      I’ve been pulling the cord for them to stop and let me off, but I swear the driver is ignoring me.

    • miss t-lee

      I like to believe that my Jesus is a guy who loves terrible jokes about his depictions.

    • If you’re on the express bus, I’m in the frequent flyer club, eating a five star meal before my chartered flight to eternal damnation. I’ve broken so many commandments that it’s not even worth counting anymore.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      But don’t y’all got this ‘Lord’s name in vain’ thing tho?

  • DBoySlim

    That twist got me .

  • Ess Tee

    Cat Daddy Jesus does look like he’d holler at a slim tender from across the street at the bus stop.

    • Sahel

      Hehehe,

  • cryssi

    I will not tolerate this hilarious blasphemy….you better pray God laughs, lol

    • Damon Young

      God invented humor, so of course He will

      • cryssi

        All I know is if I get to those pearly gates and this is brought into question, I’m going to say “The Damon made me do it.”

      • Aye Bee

        I’m pretty sure He is laughing at this. I know I got a good ab work out Especially with the first line of #10.

    • GirlMelanie86

      I feel just so very horrible for laughing at this, lmbo!

      But then, He probably doesn’t look like any of these images so I hope He’s laughing too, lol

      • Kas

        She?

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