(From a Gchat conversation last week)
J**: omg. you seen what the kindergarten cop got himself kicked out the kennedys over???? Champ: i haven’t. i wouldnt be surprised if she wasn’t attractive, though J**: its ridiculous J**: she looks like she works at the fiesta mart. repeat: he got KICKED OUT OF THE KENNEDYS OVER THE CHECK OUT LADY AT THE FIESTA MART he’s an ungrateful ass nigga we let him come into our country star in our shitty action movies marry into our elite and run our most trifling state and THIS is what we are given? he goes and knocks down the bitch from the fiesta mart???? Champ: LOL. you’re funny J**: im dead ass serious Champ: thats what makes it funny J**: i feel like we should deport his ass
If I made a list of “Recent happenings that shocked me about as much the f*cking sunrise,“ the news that an ultra-rich, ultra-famous governor had a decade long affair that produced a lovechild would be first, right after “Chris Bosh dunks and awkwardly pounds his chest like a velocipede” and “if I leave the bathroom door open when I pee, my girlfriend’s cat will try to jump in the toilet (again) and will probably succeed (again).”
Am I implying that it’s usually a forgone conclusion that an ultra-powerful man will be unfaithful to his wife? No. I’m explicitly stating that it’s usually a forgone conclusion that an ultra-powerful man will be unfaithful to his wife. No need to be all Pollyanna about power and sexual psychology.
But, what seems to really bother people like my friend J** isn’t the fact that Schwarzenegger stepped out, but that this rich and famous man — a man who governs in a state known for having a ton of very attractive and very, um, “free-spirited” women — chose to jeopardize his marriage for someone a bit plainer than the type of woman a powerful man should be able to easily pull.
J**: women have no such weakness J**: i have never seen a woman display such a lack of judgment J**: you never hear about women having sex with pookie the crackhead bc he was nearby at least if you go to all-star weekend to have sex with whoever are the current basketball players of the day you have a chance of accruing child support you know as opposed to aids and herpes and not much else Champ: those chicks aint f*cking lebron, though they’re making trips down there to f*ck lebron’s cousins J**: lol
Despite my jokes, I can see J**’s point. While unfaithful women tend to cheat “up” (To be honest, the jury is still out on this “fact” as well. There are quite a few women married to lawyers and doctors and sh*t who get their backs blown out by school bus drivers, barbers, and relationship bloggers), history is full of examples of powerful men — Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, every character Michael Beach has ever played, etc — choosing relatively unattractive women to cheat with (And “relatively unattractive” in this case means that these men are in positions that give them access to more traditionally appealing women), a phenomenon that doesn’t seem to make much sense…at least until you realize that the majority of these situations share the same characteristic.
You see, proximity matters more than any other factor — trumping physical attraction – when these types of men end up having these prolonged affairs. It’s the one tie that binds Monica Lewinsky, Sahel Kazemi, Mildred Baena, and countless other mistresses, the one thing that’ll make a powerful man who should be used to and (somewhat) impervious to the potentiality of new p*ssy risk everything for a “CHECK OUT LADY AT THE FIESTA MART,” the one reason why truly smart wives make sure that their senator husbands have 72 year old male maids, personal assistants, and secretaries.
They (the husbands) see these women (the mistresses) over and over and over again, and this has a habit of turning appreciation into attraction, attraction into desire, and desire into a yearning. And, since these are powerful men used to getting their way, they don’t stop until the yearning is fulfilled (repeatedly)
The Anti-Pretty part comes into play because, well, these wives aren’t stupid. They know their husbands have wandering eyes, so you better believe that they’re preemptively vigilant — doing what they can to limit and/or void his interactions with any woman she deems a threat.
“His new personal trainer’s boobs are a bit too perky? Hmm, maybe we should join a gym and start working out together.”
“The barista at his favorite Starbucks is a bit too cute and flirty? That’s easy. I’ll just buy him one of those $1,000 cappuccino machines so he has no excuse to go there anymore”
“Our nanny walks around like she wants to get f*cked? Wait, I’m a Kennedy, right? Can’t I just have her killed?”
But, the mistress’s plainness allows her to slip by undetected, as the wife is practically insulted to even consider thinking of her as a threat.
“What? Lupe? The gardener bitch with seven fingers on her left hand? The one who smells like Swiffer and wasabi? Please. I know my man has dog tendencies, but give the n*gga some credit at least”
You wonder why Arnold decided to have an affair with the help and how he managed to have a child with a woman that his wife saw practically everyday for 10 years? That’s how. Anti-Pretty Proximity
I told my friend J** about the Anti-Pretty Proximity theory last night. Her reply?
J**: so sad. well, “you cheated on me??? when i specifically asked you not to????” would be the last thing that any cheating husband of mine ever heard. bc i would shoot him dead probably on vacation Champ: you would take him on vacation to shoot him dead? J**: yes
No rapture means that God wants you to stay on Earth and purchase the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”
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