How to Answer Questions So That I’ll Never Call You.
I’m one of those people that believes when it comes to the opposite sex and dating, you usually get what you deserve. It’s not to say that if your man cheats on you that you deserved it, but generally speaking, I think that somewhere along the line, you’ve been given some kind of hint as to what kind of person you’re dealing with.
People just don’t ask the right questions. We get so caught up in wanting somebody, that we forget that we’d hate it if we ended up dating an axe-murdering serial killer who committed all of his crimes while wearing a pink thong and yelling out “Zorro”. Thing is, you might know that if you asked about Zorro, haphazardly. But who does that?
Panama, that’s who. You see, I’ve learned over the years to ask certain questions to make sure that I’m not dealing with crazy broads (even though I generally skew towards crazy skee-os. Woe is me.)
Anyway, I’m going to give you some questions that I like to ask and some answers that let you know that you should NEVER share teeth action with these folks.
Panama: Damn, girl, you shole is fine. What’s your email address??
Her: Oh, it’s firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’m all about the professional email. There’s no way in Sam Hill I’d ever date a chick who gave me an email that demonstrated her pr0nstar aspirations. And hell, if she’s coming at me (no pun intended) like that on the first day, you can imagine what she’s got cooked up for the future.
Kids. That’s what.
Panama: Do you like/know your daddy?
Her: My daddy is a sorry sack of a man/I don’t know the bastard.
Sorry, but its just REALLY hard for me to date a woman who doesn’t like her daddy at all, let alone, doesn’t know him. I don’t do daddy issues.
Panama: What’s something interesting about you?
Her: I used to juggle midget balls to make extra money in college.
For real, who juggles?
Panama: What’s your favorite meal?
Her: Fried bologna sandwiches with a tall glass of Kool-Aid.
Look, I love Kool-Aid as much as the next man, but if your favorite meal includes fried bologna sandwiches, I’m going to believe that nobody was able to take the hood out of you and you and your project compadres just might get me shot. You also probably thing TGIFridays is fine dining.
Panama: What’s your best feature?
Her: The tattoo I have of my ex-boyfriend’s family tree I have on my back. I know it wasn’t smart to have him tattood on me, but it’s a really good picture of a tree.
If you’re able to find the silver lining in such f*ckery, your optimism level is beyond even what I consider healthy levels. You clearly make bad decisions and might get me dead.
Panama: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Her: Ya know, I just hope to be alive.
Aight, Pac. I might not even finish that date. I might just slide to the bathroom and jump out the window on some Ron Browz stuff. I’m the Black man….I’m supposed to be worried about being alive.
Panama: Do you believe in magic?
Her: Oh hell yeah, he was a great basketball player for the Chicago Bulls.
You see, you demonstrated that not only do you know jack sh*t about sports, you’ll answer a question you clearly don’t know the answer to. You just might testify against me in court OR try to kill my dog, Twinkle Toes B*tch Slapper, or TTBS for short.
Panama: Who’s your favorite musical artist?
Her: OJ Da Juiceman!
You should just go die. Immediately.
Panama: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?
Her: Dancing is gay.
Panama: You seem to be coughing a lot, are you okay?
Her: I’m just getting over the avian swine flu. I’m good though.
*dead* And I’m out. Damn Mexicans (no NAFTA).
So, good samaritans of VSB.com, what are the vital answers to questions that you’d want to know before entertaining a further courtship with somebody? And what would be the wrong answer that would make you want to stab their eyelids with toothpicks made of chrysanthemums?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3