A Petty Ranking of the Most Annoying Types of Co-Workers » VSB

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A Petty Ranking of the Most Annoying Types of Co-Workers

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Co-workers are basically the Tyrese of our professional lives. You can’t live with them and you certainly could live without them. No matter your career there’s a strong possibility you’ve encountered some pretty annoying people in your quest to make a dolla. And while all co-workers and their endless stash of Lean Cuisines are pretty wretched, there is a hierarchy between the folks whose flip-flop sound steadily rings in your ear, and the soulless beings who refuse to spray air freshener in the employee bathroom when they know good and well it’s your only option for the day. So on a scale of 0 to Gilbert Arenas, stroll with me as I rate the most annoying types of co-workers from 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most annoying). Oh, and it will be petty. Like asking Stevie Wonder what edge control he uses level petty.

The homie – 1

My nigga, my nigga. They’re the bright spot to your day and the lone reason you haven’t open palm, pimp-slapped just about every other person in the building. They’re one of the few co-workers you’ve friended on Facebook and they may even follow you on Instagram or Snapchat, an honor you don’t bestow on just anyone. Family cookouts, they get a portion of your leftover plate on Monday. Birthdays, they’re invited to join you and your real friends at Cheesecake Factory for drinks. There’s little they can do wrong except bring your personal life into the workplace which is the equivalent of openly admitting you own a pair of Ivanka Trump heels. You just don’t do it. They’re the epitome of a road dog and live and breath by the motto — ain’t see shit, won’t be shit.

The Big Mama – 3

Ok, so she’s likely not an actual employee of the company but rather the nightly custodian or bomb AF lunch lady. Nine times out of 10 her name is Everdine, Margerete, Clarice or some other name that was really popping during the Civil Rights movement. She’s the grandma you wish you had, hums hymnals while she works, and is forever stacked with a prayer in her bosom and pound cake on deck in the break room. She also gives the best hugs. Those get your entire life, rest here beloved, inhale too deeply and you’ll choke on her Cucumber Melon body spray type of hugs. To the novice eye nothing about her is annoying however, every black person in the office who’s remotely down knows she’s shady as hell and if you cross her she will set her religion and Tuesday wig aside for five good minutes to whoop your ass.

The overworked and underpaid – 3

Truth is they’re tired. All their life they’ve had to work and it just ain’t right. Overlooked, undervalued and likely living for an Old Navy khaki sale, for some reason they come to you with every single woe despite your intentional no fucks to give disposition. They’ve been at the company forever yet somehow everyone manages to not include them in the Christmas gift exchange. Oh, and they’re depressing as shit. A living, breathing, walking Eeyore, nothing about them says I smile at puppies. Side note: Although they confide in you on lunch breaks, little do they know you laugh, no actually cackle, at their very being every chance you get; particularly their shoes, which nine times out ten are leaning ever so slightly on the everlasting arm.  

The weight watcher – 7

Be weary of these Diet Coke sipping, fruit salad in the streets, ham hock in the sheets forever weight plateaued men and women because they are some of the most conniving, untrustworthy humans you will ever meet. Think about it, anyone who eats that much Subway and comes to every team meeting with a gallon jug of water yet hasn’t dropped a dress size since you began your natural hair transition can’t be trusted. And gotdangit Susan, change back into your flats after power-walking during lunch. Nothing about a pencil skirt paired with Sketchers is cute.

The know-it-all who’s also kinda racist – 10

If 45 wasn’t 45, he’d be this guy. Loud, pasty, probably a redhead and just dumb, this is the waspiest of waspy guys. In his head he’s a walking Fox News correspondent who firmly believes spinach and greens are one in the same. During election season you wished him the closest thing to near-death and openly talked about his mama. You know he’s called you the N-word but can’t prove it just yet. You’ve made a personal vow that if he mentions anything about #BlackLivesMatter or Malia Obama, you will personally lay hands, change his Facebook political party to democrat and start a rumor that his baby mom is a Mexican immigrant.  

The TNOT – 7

What is a TNOT? A TNOT is that nigga over there. The cool AF brotha who spends 80 percent of his time on Snapchat and the remaining twenty selecting the perfect Spotify station to fake check emails to. He’s super fun, has the best weekend stories and teaches you the latest dances on your break. His vibe is hella dope but his work life ain’t shit. Like, none. In fact, in this moment you’re still waiting on him to respond to your email.

The doing the absolute most – 8

They’re so busy doing nothing. Every decision requires a meeting and every thought is a reply all email. They adore the Starbucks Unicorn Latte and per their Facebook, live for the grind (however you have yet to see a completed project from them). Outside of them being captain of the Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop Crew, they’re just annoying in general. They are always pitching some new productivity or project management software for the office and refuse to use an inside voice on phone calls despite your constant clapback that cubicle walls aren’t real walls.

The supafly – 6

Who knew one should wear their patent leather peep toe heels to the local cellular call center? Well she did of course. Dipped in Gucci and gold, or the closest knock-off brand, she’s the epitome of ghetto fabulous. Her hairstyle of choice is the asymmetrical bob with a shaved side, feathered bang and box braid (singular) on the short side. Hair done, nails done, everything did, if only her transferable skills mirrored her wardrobe. Rumor has it she’s also a thot but she likes to refer to herself as ‘round the way, but we all know what that means and her Snapchat stays lit so…

The dummy – 10

Were they supposed to read that email you copied them on? This person is the classic fuck up. They can do nothing right but constantly try to, thus annoying you more each day for the simple fact that they’re so unaware of their own stupidity. And it’s not even big stuff that they fuck up. It’s the little things. Calling meetings for things that could have been an email, not refilling the printer with paper, getting your order wrong on a Chipotle lunch run, or being the only one in the office to not dress up on College Day, therefore ruining the team photo. At this point, unless they Milly Rock on water, you’ll never respect them.

The Samuel Jackson

Not necessarily black and not necessarily Sam Jackson, this coworker is simply “too old and too grown for this shit.” Don’t try them because they’re not here for any of it and will undoubtedly whoop your ass at any given moment. When your company got a new email servers they literally almost quit for the mere fact that they had to change their email password.

Author’s Note: If by chance you fit into any of these buckets, just know you’re basically the Phaedra Parks of your office which is not a good place to be. Actually, it’s the, well there’s really nothing worse than being Phaedra Parks right now so I’ll leave it at that and challenge you to do better.

Chevonne Harris

Chevonne Harris is a lover of all things pop culture and Oprah. She is an unapologetic subscriber to the book of Beyonce and the creator of AdoreColour.com, a digital destination celebrating the sheer awesomeness of black women. Her work has appeared on Buzzfeed, Jezebel.com, EBONY magazine, The Huffington Post, Clutch Magazine and more. #FunFact: Chevonne is also a proud two-time winner of Monopoly and firmly believes life would be much better if lived to “Songs in the Key of Life.”

  • miss t-lee

    I was waiting on the breakdown of the Giblert Arenas coworker.

  • Livewyre718

    I’m like 3 ppl on this list SMH

    • miss t-lee

      At least you’re honest…lol

  • Junegirl627

    “Like asking Stevie Wonder what edge control he uses level petty”

    Well sign me up!!!

  • MsCee

    Omg I’m number 7. I’ve actually lost weight though, lol.

    • Jennifer

      You ain’t even got to talk about it though. Your coworkers will bring it up.

      • MsCee

        Oh, I never bring it up…people always ask me what I’m doing then I’ll plug in Weight Watchers…so many people here started WW because of me I actually feel like we should just have a meeting in office lol.

        • Jennifer

          I hated talking about it…cuz then everything I put in my mouth was up for scrutiny. “Yes, heifer, I am gonna eat this cookie…cuz Weight Watchers!”

          • MsCee

            Right, let me track my points and mind ya biness bih. Lol, I got activity points to spare this week!

    • I actually have a yoga ball in my office instead of a chair. I am so this person without saying I’m this person.

    • Diego Duarte

      Same.

      I broke three chairs in the office, whilst going on a diet. Three frigging chairs. My boss and coworkers sometimes joke about it.

      However, recently I was referenced to as the “skinny dude” by some of our office neighbors. Which is refreshing because after having being nicknamed “el gordo” my entire life, even a 66 Lbs drop isn’t enough for people to leave their comfort zone and call me “el flaco”.

      Nope. Now my friends and family just call me “el ex-gordo”.

      • KMN

        El ex-gordo…that’s cute!!
        My coworkers call me skinny…I’m like yo I’m straddling 200 lbs…but i’ll take it lmao

    • MsSula

      Me too!. I am the annoying one who always brings her lunch and does not eat the cafeteria food. Ha ha ha.

      But I def lost it.

    • Glo

      A former teammate of mine was also the weight watcher, but she lost 100lbs in the time that she worked with us. Can’t hate on it when it works so well.

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    Im definitely The Samuel Jackson. I work for real, so nope not TNOT! LOL

    BTW, these descriptions are HILARIOUS!! I’m still cackling at The weight watchers. Whew buddy.

    May I add the total faker? I have a coworker in daggone Paris right now….don’t do jack!!! This dude is the over paid and underworked. Ain’t never here has NEVER worked 5 consecutive days. Not in the office anyway. Comes to work wearing off the day old drunk as a skunk funk. Liiies all the time. Claimed “I left a message.” That’s his go to line when I need a status update. Trifling! Imma stop right here.

  • VSB posting switch up has helped me recover from being a consistent TNOT. Baby, from 12-3 (lunch) I was def a VSS on a comment mission.

    Now, I am a more sporadic TNOT.

  • siante

    I don’t feel like the Homie, the TNOT, the BIG MAMA or the SAMUEL JACKSON equate to being as annoying as Phaedra Parks.

  • Klysha

    I actually used to own a pair or Ivanka Trump heels…but in my defense and I bought them at the last minute for an unexpected formal affair … and they were cute. But after Agent Orange got elected I promptly listed them on Poshmark and sold them.

    Oh and I was definitely TNOT at my last job…

    • PDL….HE still working on me

      I almost bought a pair about a year or so ago.

    • PinkRose

      I still wear my Ivanka’s at formals but I don’t formal often, so I’m cool. However, I will NOT be buying another pair.

  • PinkRose

    Friending people you work with is just dumb IMHO.

    • Diego Duarte

      This.

      No matter how “cool” they may be, it will just lead to trouble. You will NEVER be able to truly cut loose with them. Also, it’s still somewhat stressful going out with colleagues (at least in my personal case) because it has that inescapable feeling that you’re still doing office activities or working.

      I already spend enough time with these people. My weekend is my break from them.

    • Glo

      Friending people you work with is fine (maybe it depends on the work environment?). Several of my closest friends are people that I met at my first job out of college. Sometimes, it just happens naturally.

      Dating a coworker is a terrible idea, but I’ve done that, too, lol.

    • Jennifer

      I agree for the most part, but there are exceptions. I keep it limited to coworkers who have no connection to my department and/or who work in other divisions. They are the people I usually befriend at work anyway.

    • siante

      I used to think that, but I met all of my best friends at work. I guess I’ve just been lucky.

      • PinkRose

        I friend folks AFTER I move on to a new gig, there aren’t many friendable ie Black folks, in my career field for me to friend.

        • siante

          The homies I’ve met at work have been like a lifeline & the reason I haven’t ended up in jail when having to deal with “The know-it-all who’s also kinda racist-10”

          • PinkRose

            Cool co-workers are a blessing beyond measure!

          • PinkRose

            My field is dominated by Asians and I after thinking about it, I have to admit that I’m doing pretty well in the “professional friend” category with them. Once you show/prove you’re smarter than they are, they chill TF out challenging you.

            That said, I’ve learned the VERY hard way that for me, it’s best to keep friendships VERY separate from my work. Now when I say that, I’m largely drawing on my (f**ked up) work experiences in Pharma.

            • siante

              “Once you show/prove you’re smarter than they are, they chill TF out challenging you.”

              I love it!!!!!!

    • Junegirl627

      this!! I learned that lesson quick after my job tried to fire me even though I had already resigned.

      I was on my 2 weeks notice at a job i hated and decided that I was going to blow through the sick days I wouldn’t get paid for by faking sick and going up to my friends house by the lake. I posted picks of our bbq and the boat party the next day on FB and this dumb dumb started talking about it in the office. Next thing I know they sending me emails talking about how I was misusing sick time. Luckily one of the people on the trip was a doctor and wrote me a note or I would’ve been out of 3 weeks of cashed out vacay pay.
      .

      • You Know I’m Sawcy

        Ugh, I’m sorry. What complexion was this dumb dumb?

        • Junegirl627

          Melanin rich unfortunately.

          • You Know I’m Sawcy

            Ah! That’s not right at all.

      • Diego Duarte

        Whelp, there’s always the “stalker” in every workplace. That person that someone knows absolutely EVERYTHING everyone gets up to. Usually doubles as the gossiper.

    • I think it depends on the type of work and the environment.

      Hubby and I have a saying that started in the workplace but transcends into most other areas of life:

      DON’T TRUST WHITE WOMEN.

      It hasn’t failed me yet.

      • KMN

        YAS JESUS!!!
        Girl you ain’t said nothing BUT a word….say it again tho for the folks in the nosebleeds

      • PinkRose

        Goes without saying in 2017, though the ones I work with a hippe like and pretty d@mn cool!

      • MsSula

        I spent 12 years in the US. I made friends of all hues and nationalities and genders, from college to various places of employment. There is not a single white girl I can call my friend. HOW WEIRD IS THAT? I only have 1 white girlfriend but she does not count because she is Mexican.

        • PinkRose

          LOL, I have a friend like that, we had breakfast just yesterday. And I hated having to tell her that White people don’t see her half-Mexican a$$ as White. Like EVER!

          • MsSula

            My friend is actually fully Mexican, but from German ancestors. She claims Mexico but is really pasty white. She is very cool though.

            • PinkRose

              I judge their “Mexican heritage” by how much they look like sponge bob from behind. When I sponge bob, I know I’m dealing with dominant Mexican heritage since NO other woman on the planet is shaped like that.

              Ok I know that sounded mean, but this Mexican = white when their skin is often as brown as cocoa, bothers the h ell outta me!

              • DiamondIsMyRealName

                This spongebob reference has me in real tears sitting at the front desk this morning and i can not stop giggling!

      • she

        Been failed by a Latina, thought the whole minority thing would make a difference…at least the white women don’t pretend to be in your best interest

  • This had me CTFU. Kudos to you, Chevonne. Despite my many “LOL” and “LMAO” peppered comments, it’s not often that I laugh aloud as hard as I did when I read this. The weight watcher is the only one of my current team members I immediately recognized.

    My coworkers probably see me as TNOT, but little do they know how much grinding I get done the other 20% of the time.

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