A Petty Ranking of the Most Annoying Types of Co-Workers » VSB

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A Petty Ranking of the Most Annoying Types of Co-Workers

Co-workers are basically the Tyrese of our professional lives. You can’t live with them and you certainly could live without them. No matter your career there’s a strong possibility you’ve encountered some pretty annoying people in your quest to make a dolla. And while all co-workers and their endless stash of Lean Cuisines are pretty wretched, there is a hierarchy between the folks whose flip-flop sound steadily rings in your ear, and the soulless beings who refuse to spray air freshener in the employee bathroom when they know good and well it’s your only option for the day. So on a scale of 0 to Gilbert Arenas, stroll with me as I rate the most annoying types of co-workers from 1 to 10 (with 10 being the most annoying). Oh, and it will be petty. Like asking Stevie Wonder what edge control he uses level petty.

The homie – 1

My nigga, my nigga. They’re the bright spot to your day and the lone reason you haven’t open palm, pimp-slapped just about every other person in the building. They’re one of the few co-workers you’ve friended on Facebook and they may even follow you on Instagram or Snapchat, an honor you don’t bestow on just anyone. Family cookouts, they get a portion of your leftover plate on Monday. Birthdays, they’re invited to join you and your real friends at Cheesecake Factory for drinks. There’s little they can do wrong except bring your personal life into the workplace which is the equivalent of openly admitting you own a pair of Ivanka Trump heels. You just don’t do it. They’re the epitome of a road dog and live and breath by the motto — ain’t see shit, won’t be shit.

The Big Mama – 3

Ok, so she’s likely not an actual employee of the company but rather the nightly custodian or bomb AF lunch lady. Nine times out of 10 her name is Everdine, Margerete, Clarice or some other name that was really popping during the Civil Rights movement. She’s the grandma you wish you had, hums hymnals while she works, and is forever stacked with a prayer in her bosom and pound cake on deck in the break room. She also gives the best hugs. Those get your entire life, rest here beloved, inhale too deeply and you’ll choke on her Cucumber Melon body spray type of hugs. To the novice eye nothing about her is annoying however, every black person in the office who’s remotely down knows she’s shady as hell and if you cross her she will set her religion and Tuesday wig aside for five good minutes to whoop your ass.

The overworked and underpaid – 3

Truth is they’re tired. All their life they’ve had to work and it just ain’t right. Overlooked, undervalued and likely living for an Old Navy khaki sale, for some reason they come to you with every single woe despite your intentional no fucks to give disposition. They’ve been at the company forever yet somehow everyone manages to not include them in the Christmas gift exchange. Oh, and they’re depressing as shit. A living, breathing, walking Eeyore, nothing about them says I smile at puppies. Side note: Although they confide in you on lunch breaks, little do they know you laugh, no actually cackle, at their very being every chance you get; particularly their shoes, which nine times out ten are leaning ever so slightly on the everlasting arm.  

The weight watcher – 7

Be weary of these Diet Coke sipping, fruit salad in the streets, ham hock in the sheets forever weight plateaued men and women because they are some of the most conniving, untrustworthy humans you will ever meet. Think about it, anyone who eats that much Subway and comes to every team meeting with a gallon jug of water yet hasn’t dropped a dress size since you began your natural hair transition can’t be trusted. And gotdangit Susan, change back into your flats after power-walking during lunch. Nothing about a pencil skirt paired with Sketchers is cute.

The know-it-all who’s also kinda racist – 10

If 45 wasn’t 45, he’d be this guy. Loud, pasty, probably a redhead and just dumb, this is the waspiest of waspy guys. In his head he’s a walking Fox News correspondent who firmly believes spinach and greens are one in the same. During election season you wished him the closest thing to near-death and openly talked about his mama. You know he’s called you the N-word but can’t prove it just yet. You’ve made a personal vow that if he mentions anything about #BlackLivesMatter or Malia Obama, you will personally lay hands, change his Facebook political party to democrat and start a rumor that his baby mom is a Mexican immigrant.  

The TNOT – 7

What is a TNOT? A TNOT is that nigga over there. The cool AF brotha who spends 80 percent of his time on Snapchat and the remaining twenty selecting the perfect Spotify station to fake check emails to. He’s super fun, has the best weekend stories and teaches you the latest dances on your break. His vibe is hella dope but his work life ain’t shit. Like, none. In fact, in this moment you’re still waiting on him to respond to your email.

The doing the absolute most – 8

They’re so busy doing nothing. Every decision requires a meeting and every thought is a reply all email. They adore the Starbucks Unicorn Latte and per their Facebook, live for the grind (however you have yet to see a completed project from them). Outside of them being captain of the Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop Crew, they’re just annoying in general. They are always pitching some new productivity or project management software for the office and refuse to use an inside voice on phone calls despite your constant clapback that cubicle walls aren’t real walls.

The supafly – 6

Who knew one should wear their patent leather peep toe heels to the local cellular call center? Well she did of course. Dipped in Gucci and gold, or the closest knock-off brand, she’s the epitome of ghetto fabulous. Her hairstyle of choice is the asymmetrical bob with a shaved side, feathered bang and box braid (singular) on the short side. Hair done, nails done, everything did, if only her transferable skills mirrored her wardrobe. Rumor has it she’s also a thot but she likes to refer to herself as ‘round the way, but we all know what that means and her Snapchat stays lit so…

The dummy – 10

Were they supposed to read that email you copied them on? This person is the classic fuck up. They can do nothing right but constantly try to, thus annoying you more each day for the simple fact that they’re so unaware of their own stupidity. And it’s not even big stuff that they fuck up. It’s the little things. Calling meetings for things that could have been an email, not refilling the printer with paper, getting your order wrong on a Chipotle lunch run, or being the only one in the office to not dress up on College Day, therefore ruining the team photo. At this point, unless they Milly Rock on water, you’ll never respect them.

The Samuel Jackson

Not necessarily black and not necessarily Sam Jackson, this coworker is simply “too old and too grown for this shit.” Don’t try them because they’re not here for any of it and will undoubtedly whoop your ass at any given moment. When your company got a new email servers they literally almost quit for the mere fact that they had to change their email password.

Author’s Note: If by chance you fit into any of these buckets, just know you’re basically the Phaedra Parks of your office which is not a good place to be. Actually, it’s the, well there’s really nothing worse than being Phaedra Parks right now so I’ll leave it at that and challenge you to do better.

Chevonne Harris

Chevonne Harris is a lover of all things pop culture and Oprah. She is an unapologetic subscriber to the book of Beyonce and the creator of AdoreColour.com, a digital destination celebrating the sheer awesomeness of black women. Her work has appeared on Buzzfeed, Jezebel.com, EBONY magazine, The Huffington Post, Clutch Magazine and more. #FunFact: Chevonne is also a proud two-time winner of Monopoly and firmly believes life would be much better if lived to “Songs in the Key of Life.”

  • I’m a mix of Samuel Jackson and the TNOT. I’ve been here so long I just sort of act like I run it here and no one will tell me any differently lol

    • porqpai

      Lol During the first year I was def TNOT. Now in year 2, totally Sam Jackson in the most scariest of ways.

  • MissRosé

    I absolutely hate that I pictured actual people’s faces while I read each paragraph…I can also confirm that I am the homie Samuel L Jackson.

    • MsSula

      Why did I do the exact thing? Lollll

    • KeyBrad

      I’m Sam too…and I curse a lot so, yea.

    • Jennifer

      I spent the entire time trying to think of my 2520 coworker equivalents. You are not alone.

      • MissRosé

        Girl, I murmured their names as I read each paragraph…like mmhmm that’s definitely *insert name*

    • miss t-lee

      I did the same…lol

  • Glo

    I’m so blessed to be working on a team full of homies. This team (as it currently stands) has been together for over a year. In that time, we’ve gone to music festivals, concerts, and overnight trips together. We have a very active group chat. We rented a house and spent NYE together. We go out together after work at least once a week, but usually 2 or 3 times, and we see each other at some point almost every weekend. I know all of their close friends, they know all of mine, and it has turned into one big friend group. I’ve met many of their parents, kids, significant others, siblings, etc.

    We’re also very supportive of one another. We’ve cried together in team meetings when work is getting too hard, and we’re there for each other when something bad happens at home or with family. We know about each other’s illnesses, familial structures, childhoods, backgrounds, etc.

    We’re also an extremely diverse team, which is rare in the Silicon Valley. In a team of 12 people, we have 5 different ethnic groups represented. I’m not even the only black person.

    I know that we can’t have this team forever, and eventually we’re not going to be coworkers but regular friends, but I’m loving this while it lasts. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy to come to work every day.

    Sorry, just wanted to brag a little. :) I really do love them.

    • that’s lit. I’m glad you have that!

      • Glo

        Thank you. :) I am, too.

    • KMN

      You’re so lucky…I don’t like NONE of these 8itches at my job enough to go out with them…like NOPE not gonna be able to do it because yall talk too much

    • MsCee

      My team is like this. It’s myself, one Muslim girl, and the coolest whyte guy I’ve ever met. Him and his wife are literally invited to my cookouts. Lol. I kinda want a new job but I know how rare it is to actually look forward to coming in on Monday to see your work family. We have ongoing jokes, discuss everything under the sun, and of course get the job done.

      • lkeke35

        I’m a librarian and most of us are pretty relaxed with a fairly a fairly non-intensive job. Long as the work is done, nobody is sweatin’ about anything. I don’t hang out with my work fam outside of work, but I like seeing them on Monday mornings.

        On the other hand, in the twenty years I’ve been here, I’ve occasionally encountered at least one or two of the above. Most memorable was a co-worker who fit The Eeyore to a T.

    • PinkRose

      I work situation like this in NoCali is NO surprise, congrats!

    • miss t-lee

      “I can’t remember the last time I was this happy to come to work every day.”

      I can feel this. With the exception of a few people, this is one of the best groups I’ve worked with. I’ve worked so many jobs with terrible people where I dreaded going to work, and I’m glad that I’ve had a great working situation here.

      • grownandsexy2

        The only reason why I don’t mind (not saying I’m happy) going to work is I rarely see my team. And when they’re in, they don’t bother me so I’m alone a lot. If you don’t like being alone, this ain’t the place for you. Now if I want company, I can go over to the other side of the building which I really try to stay away from cause that’s where all the shenanigans go down, 3, 7, 10 and some that weren’t mentioned.

        • miss t-lee

          Ideal work situations are gold. However they are made…lol

    • MsSula

      My very first consulting gig was full of homies. We had 6 weeks of “team building” at the headquarters in Seattle, and we have been friends since. I am talking going to each other marriages’ and baby showers etc.. friends.

      I miss these guys.

      • Glo

        Maybe the key here is that diverse teams are just…better?

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        That’s dope. I want to work where you and Glo work. I LOVE diversity!

    • grownandsexy2

      That’s something to brag about. Blessed you are.

    • Tlholohelo Makatu

      That’s wonderful, really super envious of you. You must bask in all the healthy workplace vibes!

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Wait…where you work??? Y’all got openings??

      • Glo

        Lol, I work for a huge company that has a ton of openings. That being said, our team is pretty unique, and we’re not hiring right now.

  • Simms~

    Definitely the TNOT, but it’s not my fault…they just don’t have enough work for me to do on a daily and I refuse to be a “doing the absolute most” person because I detest meetings and extraneous busy work.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      Me

    • Kim

      lol Ditto

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    The doing the most irk the bejesus out of me.

  • she

    Every VSB reader between 9-5 is basically TNOT.

    • Mika

      *gasps in fake astonishment*. We pretty much are, as I type this, when I should be focusing on my spreadsheets.

      • miss t-lee

        *expense reports

      • Glo

        I try to limit my VSB time to morning, lunch, and evening, but if the comment section is extra lit, I switch to TNOT with a quickness.

        • Simms~

          Why does this sound like the entire day though?

          • [Insert Creative Name Here]

            Lol. That’s what I was thinking when I read it. Well, she did skip afternoon. But after lunch is ‘itis, so you #minuswell wrap alladat into one.

          • Glo

            Hahahahaha, what I meant was morning (before work), lunch (at the very beginning or end of my break) and evening (after work). Basically, I’m trying not to let VSB impact the 8-10 hours in between.

            • Simms~

              Got it. LOL. I am not so inclined. In opposite fashion I fill in my VSB time with work during my breaks from the comments section.

        • Lamar Latrell

          I force myself to avoid the comments, otherwise, I would literally get nothing done all day.
          Luckily, I’m not on US time…

      • You Know I’m Sawcy

        *meeting agendas

        -hangs head-

      • MsSula

        * reports to send to the N+2 tomorrow. (and it’s 8PM). Le Sigh.

    • miss t-lee
      • Bethkanderson


        Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !sj34c:
        On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. Follow this link for more information
        !sj34c:
        ??
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      • Mr. Quojo .

        LMFAO…

        • Ruthmharris


          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours & have longer with friends and family! !sk76c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. Follow this link for more information
          !sk76c:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialCashJobs366DigitalEducationGetPaid$97/Hour ????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sk76c:….,…..

    • Darkchloe144

      Yup…gotta do better.

    • Shay

      I mean I am on a conference call as I type this so I’m being productive. Multi task!

      • she

        Haha that’s because us “Shay/She’s” know how to get it done!

    • Jae Starz
    • Zil Nabu
    • Ayanda Radebe

      I yelled cause I just tried to i.d myself and I’m definitely the TNOT

  • Mika

    I have a weight watcher in my office……but she also puts sugar in her greek yogurt. I always want to fight her.

    • miss t-lee

      LMAO
      I have the gallon bottle water guy in the office. He’s been trying to lose 20lbs since I’ve been here.

      • KB

        I did the gallon of water per day for about 3 days. Those frequent bathroom runs are no fun

        • miss t-lee

          Definitely not…lol

      • Michelle

        One of my co-workers carries a gallon a day. He’s a gym rat, who’s trying to make it in the fitness-weight lifting circuit. He also is the department’s micro-aggressive chauvinist, who always try to get the female colleagues to do his work for him.

        • miss t-lee

          Classy…lol

        • JennyJazzhands

          Why is every guy I know who lift weights like this? Is putting on muscle hiding some emotional inferiority?

    • PDL….HE still working on me

      LOL

    • KCG

      She’s a monster. Why would she do this?!?!?!?!?!

    • Zil Nabu

      I put honey and peanut butter in mine.

    • Tlholohelo Makatu

      Sugar. Why doesn’t she just buy regular, SWEETENED yet low-fat yoghurt?

  • Dee Squared

    My office is comprised of several ‘weight watchers’. I wholly agree with this post regarding them…I’m like…how are you eating the ENTIRE hibachi lunch special, but still ordering a diet Coke cause you counting calories….bish puhleese!

    I didn’t see the following:

    The sniffles/sickly/cougher type – that cowker the coughs with
    his/her mouth open, constantly snorting & snotting. Basically, just nasty!

    The constant vacationer – that cowker that’s constantly on
    vacation, always going somewhere exotic, then when they return, I’m subjected
    to their 15000000 pics of Susie, Brett & the nanny parasailing! (I’m low-key
    hatin, but dayum, sometimes I want to be the nanny!!!)

    The stinky lunch eater – no description needed

    • orchid921

      One of my former workplaces did the 50 Million Pound Challenge a few years ago. The ENTIRE COMPANY turned into weight watchers. People would smell fried chicken during lunch and go searching for the culprits! It was a competition and people took it WAY too seriously! I also lost 12 pounds, so no complaints from me!

      • miss t-lee

        They always come to me first with the weight challenges, because chunky…and I’m always like FOH mannn.
        Cause if I’m stressed and wanna have some m&m’s at work I ain’t tryna hear nobody’s mouth.

      • Dee Squared

        No one can complain about losing 12lbs!

    • KeyBrad

      Had the cougher next to me in a meeting talmbout “im sorry, im on antibiotics” Go away from me with that!

      • miss t-lee

        I can’t stand that.
        Keep your sick azz at home.

        • Dee Squared

          Exactly…..

          • miss t-lee

            And then they wanna steady come over to your desk and talk to you.
            I’ll spray Lysol in your general direction.

            • Dee Squared

              Love you for sharing that!!! My family has always said I’m obnoxious when it comes to stuff like that, but after 2 sisters & a nasty brother…I will fight you if you cough in my face. I guess it’s sibling PTSD!!

              • miss t-lee

                I don’t play that. STAY AWAYYY…lol

      • Dee Squared

        When it comes to those folks, I have seriously considered:
        1. Murder
        2. Manslaughter
        3. Straight quitting

    • KB

      I’m the constant vacationer, sans the pic sharing lol

      • Dee Squared

        See, we here! LOL. < 15 pics is acceptable. Plus…How many vacation days we working with?? I already stated I'm low-key hatin LOL

        • KMN

          Nah listen…I had this one 2520 reserve a conference room to show us her pictures of her trip to like Branson MO…like bih what?
          I only went because: free lunch. I’m ALWAYS here for free lunch roflol

          • MsSula

            Branson Missouri? Was it that life altering for her? LMAO

            • KMN

              Fuck nah girl lmao she just worked here for 1000 years and our boss catered to her every need…she was extra like that
              And free lunch.
              ROFLOL…Panera girl…I want the pick two full size on both that soup and sammich
              They just forced her into retirement…her tail should’ve been gone YEARS ago. She refused to do work that was required of her to do and would’ve had my blackasz fired had I refused to do it. Glad her tail is gone.

    • MsSula

      I was the stinky lunch eater and gave not a single eff at my coworkers turning up their noses. I am going to eat this “ethnic” food whether you like it or not. Loll.

      • Dee Squared

        I’m sure your ‘ethnic’ food had mouths watering..
        I’m talking about burnt popcorn, but you insist you like it like that.

  • Mika

    What about the people who steal lunches? Nah I hate them too.

    • grownandsexy2

      I hate people who steal lunches, and money if you aren’t careful. This is the only place I’ve worked where they don’t steal. Used to work at a place where the partner, otherwise known as the man who signed your paycheck stole lunches. He’d root through the refrigerator and took whatever he liked but then one day someone stole his lunch. Around comes an e-mail threatening to fire the thief and a bonus for the whoever turned the person in. If anyone knew, they kept it to themselves.

    • AzucarNegra

      That is something I can not fathom. Why would you steal some one else’s lunch? Do you know how they prepare it and what their kitchen looks like? Seriously some brooklax is needed at times like that.

    • ElusiveCupcake

      This used to happen all the time at a call center I worked at. The worst story I’ve ever heard was someone’s freshly pumped bre@st milk being stolen out of the refrigerator.

    • Michelle

      I just poison them. I don’t have time to write notes and leave them in the kitchen.

  • IDontKnowAnyMore

    I’m kind of the TNOT, however, I do the most work out of my team. I can be on here all day, chat with everyone, and still have a high appointment number for the week.

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