Pop Culture, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

Angry Ninja Rhetoric and Best Practices

Take the exact opposite of every characteristic of this man in this picture and you've got an angry ninja. He did marry a white woman though.

If you know Black people that read, then you know an angry ninja. Chances are you’re looking at one right now…assuming you know that you’re looking at a ninja. But if you are, and they are angry, I’d suggest that you stop.

Because they’re angry.

Now, let me be upfront and clear about this. Every Black person has a right to be angry. And hostile. I watched The Rise Of The Planet of The Apes and got upset. That’s not true, but if I was an angry ninja, then it would be. Because angry ninjas are really just extremely loud versions of conspiracy theorists. The main difference is that instead of just stating what the conspiracy is, they also get mad at you while telling you what it is. Somehow everybody is at fault when an angry ninja is present. And there’s ALWAYS something to be mad about. It’s like the reverse Obama with a side of Al Sharpton.

And no, that didn’t make any sense.

You might be asking yourself: are angry ninjas dangerous? Absolutely. They pose a tremendous danger to peace and quiet. And your good time. While they can be tremendously fun, the angry ninja is much like the puma. Sleek and stealthy, and if you aren’t careful, they’ll end up getting their own shoe.

To be more clearer, I’m a fan of angry ninjas. Truth is, they bring that necessary amount of chaos to any and all conversations that keeps the mood interesting and all your Christmases bright. Though I’m not completely sure angry ninjas believe in Christmas. They tend to get mad at how much they have to spend supporting the white man’s businesses.

“You there, in the Huey Newton Goes To Malibu High t-shirt, do you have a question?”

“Yes, what are the signs of an angry ninja?”

“Glad you asked.”

1. They start every convesation with a hesitant but climactically built up…”Yooo…” or a very quick and shart…”Yo!” (no Kappa)

Real talk, that’s how you know you’re about to get an earful about something you didn’t know you were supposed to give a sh*t about. See, starting any convo off with a “Yo” means that something of immense importance is about to follow. Why? Good question. It’s an indicator of something that’s been on the angry ninjas mind. They just haven’t had the chance to explore it with you yet. Be careful, you’re about to get hit with the hee.

2. “F*ck you ni**a, I got passion!”

You ever notice how extra angry folks aren’t really angry…they’re just passionate? You could take the passion of the Christ, thug passion, passion fruit, throw in a side of mango and you STILL wouldn’t have as much “passion” as an angry ninja. They get so emotionally invested in whatever it is that pissed them off (usually something to do with the oppressive power structure…or something they saw in a Disney movie) and how the rest of us don’t care enough (which in a bit of non-irony, tends to make angry ninjas more angry if you blow their tirade off) that you could probably incite one into a felony if you push the right buttons. The interesting part is, a lot, if not most of that anger is misguided…

…in fact….

3. The most oddball beefs

You know, I actually applaud the angry ninjas efforts in racial reconciliation and reparatory comeuppance. If only these jokers didn’t get up in arms about the most non-sensical of sh*t. Like that article a few months ago written by the white chick about Black Twitter. Angry ninjas were LIVID that this white woman would have any say so about what us Blacks were doing on Twitter and how amused she seemed to be by it. Here’s the thing…WE’RE ALL AMUSED BY IT TOO. But she ain’t have the right to say it because she didn’t have proper context because she was white. Fair enough….except…my ni**a…THAT’s the battle you chose to fight? ‘Pac is gone and Brenda’s still throwing babies in the garbage. I’m not really sure what topics always set off angry Black people, but rarely do they have anything to do with something you’ll care about ten minutes later…like the economy.

4. Not angry, opinionated.

Similar to passion and equally ridiculous. This one, (like most of this in truth) is a general person thing. Folks who are mad but who don’t want to be know as being mad hate to be called mad. They’re just passionate, opinionated people. Okay. Alright.

5. Seem to be attracted to the very people they hate the most, in theory

Is it me, but has anybody else noticed how many angry Black people marry white people? Or date them…almost exclusively? Or how about date the most ignant sumamab*tches known to man? The people who incite the most rage are the very ones angry ninjas spend most of their time with. It is an odd little dance. Angry ninjas do the cat daddy.

Again, I love my angry ninjas.

Good people of VSB, what are the other signs of of the angry ninja?

Talk to me.


Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Amos Banks


  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    I’d love to be an angry black chick but I can’t at the moment because I’m too busy giggling at your typo, “shart” for “short.” Hee hee. Shart.

  • Rog

    Number 5 reminds me of that Martin episode where Russel (from Living Single) plays Pams militant date and at the end of the episode he gets with the white girl everybody though Tommy was with.

  • http://twitter.com/_boron Boron the Negromancer

    “We need to put an end to all this black-on-black crime. We need to call a truce.”

    “What about that time you shot Byron? Ain’t that black-on-black crime?”

    “No. Byron was light-skinned.”

  • Kidsister

    The topic in general reminds me of Angry Man from Martin. “Man! SITCHO AZZ DOWN!”

  • Amos Banks

    Changing jobs is a sign of an angry ninja. An angry ninja is rarely a long-time-on-the-job ninja because they always have a “The man’s trying to keep a brotha down” reason for why they left their job.

  • Mo-VSS

    Why are some of the most militant black men with non-black women? Oh, you’ve never seen them? Me neither. In fact, I don’t actually know anyone like this in real life, but there’s always those 2.7 black folks that swears their racist cousin/brother/schoolmate from the Bayou is with some white chick. Who are these folks? And where do they live, like really?

    Anyway, angry black men are dangerous because they’re emotional. And, if Pac was any type of example/role model for the angry black man, they all die a violent death in the end.

    Seriously though, angry men are worse than angry women. Women are emotional (most of us) by nature so we have a whole lifetime of experience have in how to deal with our emotions. The few times we do flip out is because we want to (basically…either that or we’re just silently suffering from mental illness, but I digress). Men aren’t taught how to process their emotions so them being angry all the time is just a cover for feeling insecure, sad, disappointed, hungry, sleepy, or tired (sounds a lot like a baby, lol).

    The worst type of angry man is the one who thinks he’s owed something, either by the world or women. Men who think women owe it to them to fcuk them, service all their needs or cater to them in anyway they deem necessary are the worst offenders. They usually are the wife beaters, rapists, emotional abusers and all around sucky people. We have a few of them here, but you know…they’ll remain nameless cuz they’re angry and pissing them off further may cause them be further emotional and no one wants that.

  • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

    Perhaps I’ll be an angry Black. I just care.

    Despite the clear tone, there is just something about not caring enough that bothers me to the core. Unfortunately, most people swear I’m angry. I’d swear I was happier than most others. Expression can be animated without being the utmost of visceral, right?

    Well, even if I am the angry Black guy, I’ll make sure to be more on point so that when I argue with you nonchalant types I can ascertain the cause of your disconnect from issues that implement subtle changes to your everyday life. It cannot simply be weakness, cowardice or selfishness.

    Angry ninjas. I’m the friggin hokage of Angry Ninjas. I use a dojutsu; the Evil eye.

  • Aleyah the Great

    they need some sort of public forum. angry ninjas tend to write and/or do public speaking to get their word out to everyone

  • Around the Way Girl

    Panama’s posts are extremely fun to read when intoxicated.

    I love angry ninjas. I had some angry ninja in me back in college- which is also when I dated a couple white dudes lol, there’s some truth to that one. No idea why or how this works, but I think it has something to do with them wanting to prove you wrong. They know that you aren’t checking for them on principle, and they’re drawn to that like moths to flames. Kinda like some women are drawn to guys who treat them like sh!t. They like you and dig your passion, and ultimately want to “change” you, so they pursue the hell out of you. Then, in getting to know them, you realize that people are people, and love is love, and you relent a little. Just for that person. You still dislike that white folks (or whoever you dislike) generally, but the one you’re with gets a pass.

    My angry ninja stage has passed, but it still comes out from time to time. I wouldn’t wanna live in a world without angry ninjas. We need them, both to entertain us and to make us think. Btw, the most fun angry ninjas are a) that one uncle who’s always F-ed up at family functions and b) homeless people. Cheers to them.

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