If you do this, you are wrong. Stop it. And get some color.
Here’s a simple question for the single masses: if you happened to get into a committed relationship tomorrow, exactly how many people would you have to stop talking to outright because your relationships could be deemed inappropriate?
Take your time. Think on it.
*humming Curtis Mayfield’s “The Makings Of You”*
If I did an actual honest assessment of most of my opposite sex relationships, then there’s a good chance I’d need to drop kick a solid 98 percent of my female friends to the curb. Ya know, should I get into a relationship.
Here’s an even more interesting piece: I don’t even know how half of those relationships got to the inappropriate phase. Or if they’re even really inappropriate. Most of them would probably just bother anybody that I’d be dating. It’s no like all of my friendships are filled with sexting and slumber parties that involve naked twister. In fact, most of them are chock full of conversations that are relevant to life and dating. It’s just that every so often, they can veer into questionable and head right down into “make the preacher blush” territory.
And I think that 99 percent of functioning, datable men have this same problem. Hell, I’ll bet that even men in relationships have this conundrum. Because from what I’ve learned, most women aren’t really that concerned with making an off the cuff remark on occasion. And there aren’t many dudes who are going to check that kind of behavior because…well…why? It doesn’t happen frequently and he doesn’t plan on digging deeper into its origins or meanings so…live and let live.
Here’s another thing to wonder about: I’m almost sure that women would be on a seek and destroy mission when it came to those relationships they didn’t feel were appropriate now that their man has a woman. But I can’t honestly ever remember caring really that my girls had single male friends. Maybe its the assumption that all men are dogs and need to have the temptation removed for them. Kind of like the idea that women don’t trust other women when its the man’s actions that would be the problem. Twiddle dee dum.
And maybe its the idea that men are so self-centered that we’d never really suspect our women of stepping out on us anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I’m not much of a jealous guy anyway so maybe I’m projecting here. Cinema.
I’ve lost my point.
So if men have these inappropriate relationships with beaucoup women, do these same women deem their own relationships inappropriate or do they feel that because they can manage them it doesn’t matter. Can they really manage them? Or does it not matter because women get tunnel vision once they’re in relationships and through attrition get rid of all of their friends anyway leaving only their man to be their homey/lover/friend because R. Kelly created the term on a lonely night when all the kids were at Christmas pageants?
Hell, what do women deem inappropriate within the confines of a “friendship” anyway? I know what constitutes inappropriate but I don’t mind it at all. And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter? Lauryn teaches me that nothing even matters, at all.
I asked a lot of questions. Mostly because I’m curious after looking at my own life and having a conversation or two with male and female friends of mine. And it hurt a little that I’d have to get kicked to the curb. But it makes sense. You make one too many “what you can do with that boob” jokes and next thing you know the new beau ain’t really feeling you dun son.
So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out? If so, why maintain them?
Holler at me.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YUNG P DA FLY THIEF aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
For the DC massive: If you’re looking for a good deed to do this Christmas season, consider heading out to support Karaoke for a Cause on Thursday, 12/15 from 6-10pm at Liv Nightclub (11th and U, NW). You can bring a toy or a $20 donation for Southeast White House as one of VSB’s own commenters, Crystal Marie of awordorthree.com is helping put on the event. This is not a VSB event, but it is something that all VSB/VSS can get behind because its intended to help the less fortunate out. And if you can’t make it but would like to donate, click here.
Man….you mean I gotta consider lettin’ go of the boys…even if I’m a girl?
you don’t. but you do.
thats why the suburbs exist. before cell phones folks just moved and that was it.
That must be why married suburban moms stalk other married suburban moms. They’ve dumped all their old friends and are lonely as hell. Suburbia sometimes is a trip to another planet.
*shudders @ memory*
Preach! I’ve seen that phenomenon among the residents…and ended up regularly scheduling the trips to the old neighborhood on the REG.
Wow, I’m goin thru this situation right now. This is the same guy I’m trying to get away from, but we still talk about “hypotheticals”.
Personally, I wouldn’t care if he had single female friends, as long as they still respected me & our relationship. It’s all about boundaries. Here’s where my personal issue comes into play: is it ever okay to hang out with your friend of the opposite sex, ALONE, when ur in a relationship??
Girllllllll…..hanging out with ur guy friend on a solo basis…Most men are not gonna feel that AT ALL. It’s such a double standard. Lol. But seriously, I could care less. Bye….have fun! Tell her I said hi! My take on it is that when you start tryna regulate too much and put people on the no no list or label them as forbidden fruit….uh, yeah. Think Adam and Eve. That some got eaten the fcuk up.
telling someone o just makes it that much more desirable
That’s true. He claims it doesn’t bother him & that its ok. We’re talkin movies & dinners, etc, alone with a chick that’s not your gf. He claims he knows to cut it off if she gets too inappropriate. I’m a lil iffy about that lol. I just can’t see myself doin that. But instead of arguing about it or debating it, I just think, in the back of my mind, “eeehhhh, this may not work…” Lol
I’m in a similar situation with similar feelings. I can’t really get myself to a place where I ever WOULD police his friendships, I don’t really want to….
… but there’s always a small part of me that says to myself, “Girlfriend, are you just getting walked all over like a dirty ol’ welcome mat?”
I was recently exiled from my best female friend EVER when she got her new boo. We don’t even live in the same state, but I still can’t really talk to her ne more (she still calls every month or so, but it’s not the same). The worst part about it is that she didn’t (fully) lie about our history…so now he’s even more paranoid and non-trusting of our relationship. I can’t say that I blame him, but we really aren’t even looking to take things that way anymore, and I respect their relationship (met the guy before and he’s cool ppl). I just wish she would’ve lied though, cause I miss my bff
*e-huggles*
awww give it time and she might get in touch with you more often
*tear*….donotlietothatman…smhhah
I recently broke up with someone because he had what I felt was an inappropriate relationship with a close female friend. Nothing sexual by the time we were dating, but she would offer him money/buy him isht from time to time (non-necessary isht) and continually got mad at him when he didn’t check up on her enough/answer her text messages quickly enough and threaten to stop being his friend all the time when she didn’t get enough attention… She would also coddle him all the time (including when he did dumb stuff in our relationship) and generally just be waaaay too much in the mix, especially given that she hadn’t wanted us to be together off rip–claiming she was being objective about it even though she’d had STRONG (unreturned) feelings for him for the previous 2 years or so. Hmm.
Yeeeah that was definitely supposed to be its own comment. Whoops
yeah…you probably made the right move. he was her boyfriend even if she wasnt his girlfirend.
+1
+2
+3 Great summary of that “complicated situation” Petey. Very succinct lol
Sounds like ole girl had some SERIOUS (SERIOUS) emotional issues…
And I mean something serious…
She really did. Months earlier, even though we were cool then, she RANDOMLY gave me half of her life story and gave me a long rant about how lonely she was… even though it’d already been established that I was dating the guy and that that was causing her extreme stress/sadness. Weirdest isht of my LIFE.
How old are you again ma’am? Because this sounds too Middle School ish
that’s the problem. folks like to test boundaries. at first just casually…next thing you know ninjas are sending you pictures of their Christmas book for their hubby…and its them in lingerie. lol.
not saying that ever happened.
Real talk, I did have something like that happen when I started going with my wife. Obviously, I was falling back from women who weren’t respecting my boundaries that had to be in place if they wanted to keep in touch. Next thing I know, I’m getting an email talmbout “testing her digital camera”, and it’s ole girl’s booty in a thong. I showed my wife, let her know I did NOT solicit said pic, then showed her me deleting it.
smart man.
VERY great thing to do, not only to have your own back, but to reassure your significant other that you are doing your part! KUDOS…Your wifey is a lucky lady
” Here’s where my personal issue comes into play: is it ever okay to hang out with your friend of the opposite sex, ALONE, when ur in a relationship?? ”
Grown people can do what they want to do. What if your best friend is someone of the opposite gender?
If I couldn’t trust my best friend AND didn’t trust myself, then I didn’t really want to be faithful to the person I was dating.
it depends on the relationship my male BFF takes me to lunch every once in a while we catch up etc. but my husband is comfortable with him, they know each other, know the relationship and tell him well in advance upfront. I have severely limited these interactions since i got married but i didnt have to cut them out. its a hard road to navigate but it is navigable… LOL is that a word?
I have guy friends who play in my hair and some give me massages and we always share dirty jokes so i guess those things would be considered inappropriate (if I were to get into a relationship) therefore all of my male friendships would probably need to end lol or at least be cut to a minimum
at least you’re aware. cuz 2 out of those 3 are sensual as hell.
lmao
2/3?? Umm…. I think all three are sensual…
Playing in your hair? Or pulling? hmm..
Massages… yeah, that’s very sensual.
I actually think the dirty jokes is the most appropriate of them all. I make off the color remarks all the time, and it’s never in the form of flirting or testing the waters.
I probably have one female friend that I would have to kick to the curb if I got in a relationship, it’s tough though because we’re like family. I chill with her and her family on holidays and everything. Shoot, I even call her Momma…Momma, but there has been some unspoken tension between us and I kinda think that her family would like to see us together. Is it so unfathomable to think that I could maintain my friendship with her while being in a relationship with another woman?
eh…yes and no. yes, it is unfathomable b/c the tension exists. that means there’s something there.
but no, its not unfathomable b/c maybe y’all just need to smash it out and see what happens.
Yeah, I agree wit Petey, you guys need to smash so you can breathe already lol. I ain’t gon lie though, she’ll start actin a lil weird and more girlie (not in a good way though). But you’ll be glad you did. It’ll just take WAY MORE unnecessary reassuring that she’s still your homie afterwards…but I say just do it (no nike)
you and PJay have just administered the WORST advice ever. geesh. lol. men suck i tell ya.
if you’re already “part of the family” and she’s that comfortable with you, and you guys are THAT close, AND there’s sexual tension… she probably has already explored the “what-if” scenario in her head a million times. if that what-if is realized it will definitely become a “now-what?” and she will have major expectations. seeing as though she’s probably already emotionally invested to some point, if you’re not interested in her beyond sex, i don’t advise sleeping with her. unless you want your friendship doomed.
it’s possible to sleep with your best friend and still remain friends afterwards with no weirdness, but those situations are very few and far between.
for the record…im not saying just smash and move on. i mean that in the smash and try it out together thing. tension will exist forever unless it gets let loose.
thank you very much, ass.
*smiles*
Bam! What he said! Teamdudelogic FTW
We weren’t sayin smash and keep it movin, just leave no stone unturned. At least there are no more “what if” anxieties. Those are the worst…It could turn out that her expectations are fulfilled to some degree, but it’s his responsibility to quell her inclination for expectations in the first place. It’s all just theory because situations unfold uniquely each time. I’m wit Petey tho, if he’s a good guy he won’t do wrong, he just may not do exactly as expected, and that’s the beauty of sex/love/relationships/friendships…ya kno?
Part of me says the “simplest” thing to do is just continue to be her friend and not risk destroying our friendship. Let’s be real, what are the chances we fail as a couple and seamlessly go back to being friends? Another part of me says the “best” thing to do is go for it and see what happens, and if it doesn’t work out we’re still going care about each other and that should trump any post-relationship pettiness.
” Another part of me says the “best” thing to do is go for it and see what happens, and if it doesn’t work out we’re still going care about each other and that should trump any post-relationship pettiness.”
In my experience, this has been the case. Results may vary though…
Umm honestly, I’m pretty inappropriate. Might be one of the main reasons why I thinks its better to be single at the moment. But if I were to enter into a relationship tomorrow I’d say half of my male to female friendships would have to change drastically. More if you considered the man’s intentions and not just my own. I also have a great deal of lesbian friends that wouldn’t mind getting it either… Dayum. I prolly shouldn’t get boo’d up any time soon.
I agree with Lauryn though, nothing even matters, to me. To me. I’m not a jealous person. I think that if two people are committed to each other they show it and it shouldn’t be questioned by what other people might deem suspect. I tend to trust the folks I’m with. Every relationship is different and has different boundaries. Set em up and stick to em.
“Umm honestly, I’m pretty inappropriate”
Yeah this completely describes me
Me too. Funny thing is… I’m not too sure I’m going to be changing that.
I dont think I will either
oooooh at all 3 of yall lol
yeah thats my problem. as a single man…i can be wildly inappropriate. i do it for the people.
We have to have stories to tell the grandkids.
LOL, bingo.
let’s be real! relationship guys can’t just be out with non-relationship females. the only a woman will allow a friendship between her man and chix that are in his life that ain’t fam AND single is if she can meet her on three occasions: 1 the female out with other females as much can be learned about her from the company she keeps. 2 see her with her man to make sure that there is no spark or attraction, 3 observe Tha chick and her man when they think she ain’t around. I don’t see any woman a guy free course to make possibilities with other women.
I was taught that when u in a relationship, that person becomes priority 1 over friends.
Agree 100%. Your partner definitely has Rochester a priority. More importantly, they have to feel like a priority.
Predictive typing. My bad. Lol
I would have gone back to read that like 80 times, to try to figure out who said what about rochester..
“I was taught that when u in a relationship, that person becomes priority 1 over friends.”
Co-sign!
NO sign on this. Boys come and go… my friendships have lasted a lifetime.
No m’am.
I find a guy who gets it and participates within the circle that’s there (his friends- male and female included- are welcome too).
@Chunk – Co-sign!
I have lost out on relationships that seemingly had potential simply because I would not abandon my female friends. The way I see it, my female friends have withstood the test of time. It would be foolish of me to turn my back on proven friends for “Janie-come-lately” who is here today and possibly gone tomorrow.
Given my track record, the relationship would last 2 – 6 months, then I’d have to either find new friends or go grovelling back to the old friends and try to re-establish the bond that was broken by some insecure person who no longer has any significance in my life. No thanks.
I see red flags when a lady I’m dating takes issue with me having female friends. Usually people judge you by what they themselves would do. Yeah it’s possible that the last guy she was with abused his privileges, but he ain’t me. I need you to differentiate.
I’d gladly introduce any potential new boo to my friends so that she could see for herself that nothing questionable is going on, but she’ll need to understand, it’s a package deal.
“Yeah it’s possible that the last guy she was with abused his privileges, but [s]he ain’t me. I need you to differentiate.”
THIS.IS.EVERYTHING.
It can’t be a happy relationship if there is no trust.
that’s how i feel. but how realistic is that once you meet somebody you really feel. i tend to think that way, but folks get into relationships and expectations show up.
it sucks though.
I was co-signing on the fact that that’s what I was TAUGHT. I don’t actually live by that. I should’ve clarified lol.
At times but not to the detriment of a true friendship. Females that have this mindset are the ones that become so engrossed with their SO that when that relationship goes south, they wonder why when they call on someone to talk to, their friend is busy. That female usually chalks it up to jealousy (she isnt calling me back b/c she is jealous that I have a man) instead of realizing that instead of managing both, she allowed for a friendship to die.
At times, your SO takes the front seat but there comes a point where you need to have/find balance.
Thank u! I agree there is a balance that has to exist. And to clarify the priority statement, it doesn’t mean abandon your friends and life as you once knew it. But you take care of home first….otherwise you may not have a home to come home to. Or you find out that someone else is taking care of your home for you. Men don’t get down on one knee and ask for forever of they do not feel like a priority in your life. Relationships ….the serious ones are usually working towards a marriage or form of long term commitment. Nobody is going to do all of that with a person if they do not feel that they are #1. As a woman, there is no way I am thinking marriage, babies or anything else with someone that doesn’t make me number 1. I encourage him to have time for himself and with friends. It’s important. It goes both ways. But at the end of the day, we come first and I don’t worry about his friends because I feel like I come first based on his actions. And his friends of both sexes show me proper respect.
I agree with taking care of home FIRST. However, making it first doesn’t make it only. Remember, you married a person, not a life-support system for your other brain. Yes, there has to be a balance, but that’s the key word…BALANCE.
I dont have time to do all of that.
Some women are territorial. And some women are not.
You can’t speak to your partner about what they do that makes u uncomfortable when u are possibly doin it ur damnself. That’s a case of Pot Meet Kettle. It’s important to have mutual respect in a relationship and set boundaries for what is ok and falls in the No Bueno bucket. It is also important that your opposite sex friends show your relationship respect. I think opposite sex friendships are perfectly healthy. It becomes unhealthy when they become secretive and you hide details fro ur boo. At that point, it is time to evaluate what the hell you are hiding and why?
My male friends…..I look at them like they are just one of the girls. They find that isht MUY offensive at times. But we both know it ain’t that.kinda party so its all good.
Hmmm….inspiration for a new poem. Thanks Panama Jax……girllllllll he a 3. You are at least a 5 boo. Lol
“You are at least a 5 boo. Lol”
His Twitter avi bumped him up to a 5.5-6! Lol
I agree with this line of thinking.
awww thanks boo.
Well I said I might write a poem…and here you go Mr. Jackson…
curiosity
the air of mystery is killin’ me
so enticing
it draws me in
makes me want to know more about
the infamous panama jackson
the man with a million pseudonyms
your candid blogs
and witty comebacks
you’re definitely a very smart brotha
sometimes so smart
that it seems more like
a very smarta$$
but it’s almost
kinda sorta
cute
if ain’t nobody ever told you this
what ever that je ne sais quois is you got
you are workin’ it boo
you stand out among the rest
but norah jones said it best
“baby take off your cool…
i wanna see you….”
***Exits stage left.
Have a blessed day everyone.
well damn. i aint neva really watched the sunset befo.
nor have i had anybody write a poem about me publicly. thanks you. that was dope. honestly, i’m just rambling b/c i’m slightly speechless.
*blushing*
Lol @ I ain’t Neva really watched the sunset befo.
Norah Jones line…definitely dope.
jason’s lyric?
“*blushing*”
UM. *snaps fangers in Panama’s face* Blush your way back eHome to ME, knigga. Yes, you’re a knighted ninja.
*neck roll*
(I gotta admit that poem made me say, “dayummmm!” doe… *snaps and daps*)
LOL!!
Awww, did I make you blush boo????? And the million dollar question is….now that I made u say that, are u ready to cross it off of your “romantic bucket list”?
it is now off the list. thank you.
marry me? lol
OKAY!!!!!
*snaps fingers* lol
People seem to equate friendship with having acquaintances. If when you are about to enter into a relationship, you know you have to drop some people of the opposite sex, they aren’t friends. They are cool people you have a good time with but at the end of the day, if they weren’t part of your inner circle, life would continue and everything would be fine.
Then there are friends. Those people who, when you are about to get into a relationship, already know bc they have been there since day one. These are the people you want your SO to meet from the jump since your friends will tell you if the person is right for you or not. These are the people that you wouldn’t consider getting rid of simply bc you enter into a relationship. In fact, the thought alone is inane.
I think the problem lies when we hide people from our future other bc we “know” they are going to get jealous. Seriously?!? Give people the benefit of the doubt and a chance to meet if they are both that important to you. Also, if you have friends of the opposite sex who you know are trifflin, why do you consider them to be a friend to begin with? Maybe I am being too simplistic but if people were honest from the jump, a lot of our problems wouldn’t exist.
As for me, there isn’t one guy friend that I would need to drop bc I entered into a relationship. My inner circle is small for a reason and it took me too long to find those few people that have my best interest at heart to let them go simply bc I got into a relationship. Now, for the acquaintances, I can always find more.
PREACH. You saved me from typing a lot later.
I do what I can
i feel you but i disagree on your main premise. i have actual friendships with people that i know other women would be suspicious of. without a doubt. not just acquaintances…but friends. people who know important things about me and me them. people i lean on when i need to lean.
Me too! I don’t judge my friends.
And to be specific, your leaning is gangsta.
that’s what she said.
Inappropriate!!
lol
So then my premise is correct. Don’t see where the disagreement lies. You have friends that you feel a woman you date would have a problem with. Either she understands where you are coming from or she may not be someone you want to date.
So then my premise is correct. Don’t see where the disagreement lies. You have friends that you feel a woman you date would have a problem with. Either she understands where you are coming from or she may not be someone you want to date.
If you don’t mind sharing, why would these women you would date be suspicious? What is it about the friendship that would anger the potential or prospective new girlfriend?
Agreed
As females, we know the difference between out truly platonic freinds & the “im frontin like im harmless but i wud f_ck the beejesus out of u givin the slightest chance” freinds. So i say keep the former & ditch the latter when in a relationship.
+1
Agreed!!!
Naw, I’m not ditching my friends. If I break up with dude, I’ll be azz out missing the friends I dumped for his azz.
Very interesting topic!! I’ve actually had a few of what I considered to be male close friends kick me to the curb once they got into relationships and I don’t know why because I didn’t think our friendship was inappropriate. However, I do have a male friend (strictly platonic) whom I’ve known for 9 years and we are extremely close and I can see how mine or his significant other would be upset about our friendship but I feel like if you trust your mate it shouldn’t matter and if you don’t then you don’t need to be with that person.
you know, i think the if you trust them it shouldnt’ matter and if you dont you shouldnt’ be with them is too clean and tidy. like it makes sense, but removes the human element from everything.
people in relationships dont always think rationally.
” I feel like if you trust your mate it shouldn’t matter and if you don’t then you don’t need to be with that person.”
Problem is if your close friend’s girlfriend picked that vibe from you, she is liable to have an atittude with you. While I’m cool with friends, I don’t think that significant others should feel like the best friend is literally keeping her from being just as close with her man.
Uh….It’s fun to flirt at work sometimes. Helps the day go by.
Gives you a reason to go to work…i’m not crawling outta bed cuz i gotta talk to my boy about the game, but the cute new girl is another story
Unfortunately I work with 99.9% women. No flirting shall ensue.
i work with 99 percent old white people. no flirting but they do drink good.
LOL at inappropriate friendships. what about the dudes that just veer into appropriateness and stay in that lane until she’s broken up with her boo? sneaky sneaky.
men i date tend to have a lot of female friends. i’d go insane if i had trust issues.
good to know i’m part of the 2% that are real friends. lol
lol. hello.
You’re smart to pick the joyful life option. Insane in the membrane isn’t fun.
Friendships shouldn’t block relationships from developing and becoming close. Yet sometimes it does for people who deep deep deep down inside prefer to be close to their best friend and not that close to their man/woman.
“good to know i’m part of the 2% that are real friends. lol”
I was thinking the EXACT same thing. lmao
whew!
The men I tend to date tend to have a LOT of female friends too. The last two had several female friends who were model gorgeous…I’m really glad I don’t have trust issues…Usually my issue is trusting too much actually…
LOL at “ “i’m frontin like im harmless but i wud f_ck the beejesus out of u given the slightest chance” friends.” Is it bad that those are the type of male friends I tend to cultivate? I’m also the queen of impropriety and work flirtation. I have a “work husband” and at least two “work boyfriends”. As someone alluded to above, it makes the night go by that much faster.
In terms of actually ending a friendship with any of those people were I to get into a relationship, though, I don’t do that. I’ve been asked to in the past. And my refusal has definitely caused some friction. Despite the lewd jokes and underlying sexual tension that may exist in a friendship, there’s always a sense of conrolling myself. Boundaries exist for a reason, and I don’t randomly cross them, so I’m not ditching someone I truly consider to be a friend based on someone else’s insecurity.
Gonna have to agree with what you said about boundaries. They do exist for a reason. More people need to respect the boundaries. And honestly, if I have a male friend or anyone in my circle that is a repeat offender of border hopping my boundaries, that tells me that they don’t respect my relationship and deeper than that….they don’t truly respect me.
*high five* We allow for people to treat us either with respect or without respect. The latter should be removed from your life.
Preach! And a *high five* back atcha!
What if your man felt no boundaries was disrespected? Then what? lol
We talk about the need for others to respect our boundaries but do we find out what our partner’s boundaries are.
What if a man dates a woman who is not very affectionate, doesn’t do PDAs, isn’t a big hugger, and here comes his best friend hugging and kissing and he loves it because he’s an affectionate person, loves receiving affection.
Sometimes we expect other people to have the same boundaries we hold ourselves to.
And that is where communication comes in…..
Hey everyone, new to this blog, just happened to have stumbled across it. Fantastic piece.
My 2c – Intuitive people can sense when their SO is truly into the relationship and are behaving in the best interests of the relationship. When your SO knows that something bothers you and they continue doing it – without regard for your feelings – then its time to go. If you are really into your SO you want to keep things calm and happy at home, above all else. You dont necessarily have to cut opposite sex friends off, but you do need to change the parameters of the friendship (some) if they cause you SO to feel uncomfortable.
Two. Exactly. Both females are some of my best friends. With my girl being in the Navy, she’s away a lot and so the only females I go out with are my two female best friends (one-on-one time with each of them). My girl doesn’t like that one bit. Though honestly, I could really care less what guy my girl hangs out with. As long as they’re not an ex. Especially an ex that was a First in some form or another (First kiss, First sexual partner, etc). Because all it takes is for them to play Scrabble and one person spells a word that brings back a memory so buttf******ly amazing that they stare into each other’s eyes, think about the great times they had, then BAM! Sex on the Scrabble board. That my aunt bought me on my birthday.
Basically, I trust women around their guy friends. The exes gotta bounce though.
I be trying to tell people Scrabble in bed is some of the best sh!!!! ever. They don’t be hearing me though.
I’m such a vocab whore, sigh.
Lol at sex on the scrabble board and here i am playing words with friends with my ex this better lead to some flix being sent lol
Ummm…so that’s how you feel about scrabble huh? j/k and LOL
Well said ugly kid! Thats the same litmus test i use. If he says shes a freind, i ask “hav yall had sex before”? If the answer is yes, i will personally triple spin dropkick dat hoe to the curb.
Story of my life. My male friends and I are really really close. So close to where some people really do assume that there is more between us than what’s actually between us. Once they get in relationships I mmakee the choice to fall back a bit. I have had to explain many times that we can’t do the things we use to do. I’ve been the object of scorn. I’ve been the target for borderline obssessiveness. All because of the now inappropriate nature of our friendship and thefact th
*edit
…and the fact that they are just some things you do not say or do to, around, or about me no matter how innocent you think it is.
And I bet you remain their friend when they’re out of that relationship too. Maybe they’ll end up with a woman who loves you as much as they do and is cool with the friendship. You’re considerate and thoughtful.
This sounds, kinda familiar..!
I personally, don’t think I care that my bf has ‘girl friends’ and communicates/kicks it with them, but when I see, hear and KNOW about specifics, it really bugs me out. :\
On the other hand, throughout our first year of dating, I’ve found I’ve lost male friends exponentially further along, mainly because of fears I’m ‘leading them on’ and also because hey, I’m only tempted!
….& this has limited my male friend pool to cousins and gays. Hmm.
The reason it has to end is because women secretly believe men are incapable of turning down sex if offered
Even the ones who will on reading my statement come and protest.
word.life.
They’re also afraid their man is offering sex and the woman won’t consider turning it down, will sex him and replace them as the new girlfriend in his life.
Some women don’t trust women, period.
Women really dont trust women, and to a degree their right because women dont respect women. Chicks nowadays will straight wreck ya home and brush off any opposition as “hate” *alicia keys shrug*
That’s why it boils down to whether your man is trustworthy and cares that he doesn’t mess things up with you. If he doesn’t care about not messing up, then the other woman is the least of your problems. A trifling man or woman cannot tango by themselves.
Well currently i’m….(well thats another story) but before then I saw that she had quite a few problems with my relationships with certain friends. Typically i just kept things on a need to know, not that i was doing anything i just didnt want the headaches. If anything the problems came from the friends, who would eventually get jealous. They’d be cool at first then after a while it becomes “shes STILL around, what happened to Mr. No commitment, Mr. I’m just worried bout work and school, Mr. I’m never changing my Facebook status unless its married.” From there, whenever things get inappropiate she’ll be quick to remind me #yougotagirltho
I’ve kicked all my inappropriate male relationships to the curb, pre-boyfriend, pre-marriage. I’m on a mission to downgrade all my platonic relationships with men as well. I realized there is no room for “serious” platonic relationships–not now, not ever–if marriage is in my plan. These days, I believe that if your platonic relationship was so important to maintain, ya’ll either need to go for the jugular and try the Love Bird scenario, or stop talking and hanging out so damn much so you can stop being each other’s c*ck blockers. You’re gonna have to stop dealing with each other as much when one or both of you get married anyway, so why delay the inevitable? It’s less painful for everyone that way. If the Love Bird scenario works, then that’s a win too. Everybody wins in either case. Simple maths.
As an aside, I don’t really believe people change immediately when they’re married, just because they have a ring on it. Same goes for dating. Not talking to your male friends inappropriately won’t happen in an instant or even over a few months once married/cuffed. It’s a learned behavior, so I practice how I interface with my male friends now so I don’t have any issues when I’m dating someone for real and/or married.
I’m all about keeping it simple, and doing my best to make life easier on my future husband and myself. I would hope he is thinking the same thing.
You’re gonna have to stop dealing with each other as much when one or both of you get married anyway, so why delay the inevitable? It’s less painful for everyone that way. If the Love Bird scenario works, then that’s a win too. Everybody wins in either case. Simple maths.
I have 2 male best friends. I am 10 years in with the Hubby. I didn’t have to get rid of them, just had to make them comfortable with him during the relationship. I was up front introduced them as soon as we got serious and always maintained open and honest conversation about when I saw them etc. Me and my male friends never did the do si do with each others private parts either. 1 is married and they have been married 11 years, together for 15 and i am cool, not friends but cool with her and my other is engaged and me and his girl are friendly as well. marriage doesn’t or shouldn’t signal the end of all of your other friendships they just have to shift down in the hierarchy
My mother always told me, if you find ONE good friend in life, then you are lucky. I have found 5 (2 are guys) and feel truly blessed. Getting rid of a friendship b/c you are in a relationship doesn’t seem right and it would leave a huge hole in my life.
Thanks for the married perspective.
Cosign. During marriage I never had a problem with any long-standing friendships that existed- mine or his. Now “new” female friends? Serious side eye. And for good reason.
“Old” friends that been around before you, you gotta take the L on those, but that new ninja, that just aint goin down
RIGHT
@ chunk yeah no new friends.. if she isnt OUR friend she isnt YOUR friend.
BASICALLY.
I see your view. I don’t know why people expect to hang trump tight like they did in undergrad days in adulthood. Talk on the phone all into the night, etc. you should be able to keep your friendships but how you interact with each other DOES change when you get older/have other responsibilities. This is the same with my girlfriends. I know those that are married and have children just can’t be at my beck and call and that is OKAY.
I have quite a few guy friends but I don’t do anything to disrespect their relationships and their homes (for those that are married). It really perplexes me when other women don’t get that certain things are not appropriate. I treat women the way I’d want to be treated by my guy’s female friends. I also notice that for many its only when they are single. when they have boyfriends they are too busy “under them” and not so worried about yours. But boundaries are important all around.
Thanks for that post Liz. I’m with you and I hope my future wife read that one! It won’t be easy, but men and women need to do that when they get to the stage where they are open to/looking to for a spouse. Because when you have inappropriate friends, let’s just be real, it’s very likely you will get physical with them at SOME POINT. It’s just a matter of whether it takes a year or 10, but it’s not a good look when you’re looking to get married soon.
Pretty much!
I more or less like to err on the side of caution. No need for me to bargain with toeing the line and stuff. Do what’s gonna be best for everybody’s heart and feelings in the end.
You sound so much like me.
hmm i had to end all but 2 LOL that was a decade before. My 2 legit male friends that i had before the relationship are still hanging strong, 10 years in. Most of the relationships i had to let go weren’t necessarily inappropriate but were founded on the “we could get it on” vibe and that’s what fostered most of the relationship. Once you get a man, or a woman who fills that same flirting, egotistical need to be pedestaled those relationships naturally fall to the wayside anyway.
many will pick a few back up when the newlywed stage ends and the danger is that most of the time it only leads to a slippery slope right down into the abyss of side chick vag!na or loose ninja dyck.
“Once you get a man, or a woman who fills that same flirting, egotistical need to be pedestaled those relationships naturally fall to the wayside anyway.”
Truth.
This is a great topic. I’m gonna be real…I had a lot of female friends in college. I really only say “friends” because, well…we hung out a lot. But when I got into a relationship, I fell back from those connections quite a bit. I felt like it was necessary because none of those relationships were TRULY platonic – either I was attracted to them, them to me or both – and it would be disingenuous for me to say that something couldn’t spark. Plus, honestly man once I got into a relationship, I didn’t feel like I needed them anymore. Whatever ego stroking (or any other kind) they could do for me, my girlfriend could do LOL. It’s not like I was THAT close with them either though, so I guess in that sense it was really more associates than actual close friends. That girlfriend, now my wife…had male friends that were (in her eyes, at least), truly platonic…but she distanced herself too. I agree with Griff (GC fam!) who said when you’re in relationship, that person should be the priority.
However, I can imagine that things would be different if you had people of the opposite sex who were truly your close friends/part of your inner circle before the relationship. I think that’s when communication comes in…it’d be foolish to completely cut them off, but I do think boundaries still need to be there. All that flirting/inappropriate innuendo ain’t necessary….but if you cut them off completely for that relationship, what happens if the relationship doesn’t work out?
I can relate to this. I’d bet many of us have more associates than friends, so it’s no big deal on either side for you to fall back once you’re in a relationship. I think especially in a marriage it’s just good to avoid the appearance of impropriety. This automatically makes me think of Juno where your girl was hanging out with the man and her mom told her she shouldn’t be at that house with the man while his wife isn’t there, regardless of what’s going on. I think that’s just good business.
Damn this has me feeling like my whole life is inappropriate as hell. If I got into a relationship I don’t think I’d have to end many relationships though. I’d stop talking to the couple people I know are ultimately up to no good. The rest I’d just reign in the conversation topics. Keep everything Kosher.
Also makes me think though: how many relationships are TRULY platonic, on both ends?
Some are, most aren’t…typically because if the person is great enough to be your friend, why not more. You have so much in common, you enjoy their company, you trust them…arent those things you look for in a s/o?
Because you know the sex is whack. And forever is a long time.
Because you know the sex is whack and forever is a long time….looool. I may just have to agree.
Women def have those male friends around that would go no further solely due to whack pipe game. (& yes I can perceive it without actually going there)
Stay away from those swag goo mofos that u know will wear u all the way out if given the chance.
it would be interesting to do a study on this. by asking both people on whether or not they view the relationships as platonic. see what percentage was agreed upon by both using the same definition.
“Also makes me think though: how many relationships are TRULY platonic, on both ends?”
I’ve always wanted to do this study on myself and my male relationships. Like a REAL assessment. Because like… when do the “playful sexual jokes” have some truth to ‘em? Like… when can you tell?
throw it at them and see if they catch it?
LOL… yes, that is the hard (no pun intended, I swear) way. But I mean… is that the only way to tell when the “just jokes” ain’t…. JUST jokes?
I’m with Tristan. Throw it at ol’ boy. Only surefire way….LOL. Or just have an honest convo about feelings or lack thereof, given the jokes…but that doesn’t guarantee truth.
+2- Ninjas only have one reason why they wouldn’t do it if the chance was there. You’re not attractive enough. So if you know he finds u attractive and he’s not just sayin that to be nice to you then it’s highly unlikely that he wouldn’t…but don’t take my word for it “throw it at him” as my intelligent negro brethren eloquently suggested upthread. lol
So basically, there isn’t a “I wouldn’t even JOKE wtih her unless I find her attractive in some way” clause? Ya’ll dish it to airbody? Dangerous territory with us womens. Because some of us be on some other ish and be seeing stuff that ain’t there.
Thanks for the advice fellas. LOL
Any time. *tips hat* LOL
Do they take time out of their day to come see you often? Do they stare at your lips when you’re laughing, talking, being your Cheekie self? Do they touch you and linger–like arm remains around you when you’re sitting together on the couch? Do they NOT frequently talk about their relationships & recent dates with you? Does he offer to fix what is broken in your house? Does he act like he has competition if another man in the proximity shows interest in you?
I had to take stock of this because I had too many stragglers & ninjas vulturing around. I couldn’t take it. So I cleaned house. After a while, all of that gets old. I have some friends I will keep until I die. At the same time, I could introduce those to the future Mister. That’s my rule – if I can’t introduce you without shame (ie – we had recently as soon as last night or last week played ‘naked twister’) then there’s an issue with that relationship. The other thing I had to think about is why am I keeping them around? Or letting them hang around? Is it because I hope one of them will all of a sudden realize I’m all that and then want to be with me? And if he hasn’t realized it – why am I still dealing with this ninja? Fired. Love y’all!
Yes, I think keeping the stragglers around is only for one’s ego. Just cut off the extra and give all your attention to the one that deserves it.
But i like being liked
lol
Lmao stragglers and vulture ninjas tho lol. Everybody in the animal kingdom gotta eat man. Don’t be stingy lol
Fired….ha luv it
Here’s my girls take on it. I remember a certain point in our relationship when she was like…”Wait, who is this chick?? I thought I had met all of your female friends” She was basically saying that neither her nor I were to make any “new” opposite sex friends. We had missed the cut-off so to speak. So when I got a new female friend I just wouldn’t mention her (wrong, I know). She found out of course (damn you Twitter) and was like “… oh, didn’t know that yall were that cool. ***MAAADD side-eye***.
BTW I can no longer hum “The Makings of You” by Curtis Mayfield in my head. Jay-z and Ye always rush the spot and it becomes “The Joy”. No matter how hard I try, it always ends up going this way.
Me too….damn Yeezy and the forefathers yea the street authors
been there.
It depends on how you met these new females. Work friends, or a gender neutral activity, fine. Trolling female oriented activities..no…..
It’s rude of me to assume he should just drop his friends because of me. As long as they respected me and our relationship, I’m fine with it. On my end, though, I know EYE wouldn’t feel right hanging out with a male friend alone outside of neutral settings (lunch in plain view, happy hour, etc.) It would just feel too inappropriate. For ME. But I’d like to think I’d trust him enough to make sound decisions that wouldn’t jeopardize the two of us.
VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out?
That first question made me LOL, because there were 3 guys I felt I needed to stop talking to when I got into the relationship I’m in now. I laugh because it is semi-awkward to suddenly be brief in conversation with people you generally chit-chat with and hang out with. Also I felt a teeny-tiny bit bad telling a guy who was in the friend zone that I had moved on to the next (effectively not considering him).
I don’t have any questionable relationship because I have gotten very simple-minded in my old age. I’m not messy; I let all of them know I am no longer single. I don’t do ‘inappropriate relationships’ these days.
I was only dating my boyfriend for about a month when he chose on his own to cut ties with certain women, whether they be ex’s or booty buddies or that friend that could have been but it just didnt happen. I never expressed to him that these women had any affect on me because it didn’t. I trusted him and believed he would set boundaries due to our relationship. He took the extra step just to avoid temptation.
I personally believe that if you feel your mate is not happy and satisfied with your relationship, then your cause for concern should be a) yourself or b) your man. Not the woman. Certain females just like to try and see what would happen. Dont let the little hungry puppies allow you to second guess your good relationship.
Well, of course one’s relationships with members of the opposite sex (for people who are heterosexual) will have elements inappropriate once one is in a relationship. Why?
Let’s use me as an example, keeping in mind this generalizes to almost everyone else. My friends, male or female fall into one of three groups:
1. Women that I find attractive who are not interested in dating me, but with whom we have enough in common (other friends, interests, same hang out spots, work in the same place, take the same classes) that we continue hanging out together.
2. People that I befriended due to all the stuff written as having in common in #1, but with whom I have no romantic interest (most of my male friends, any female friends that I was the one who didn’t want to date them or I don’t find them attractive, people who initially were just friends of my friends but because they were always around, we sorta became friends too).
3. Women that I befriended solely because they are gateways to attractive women.
Women that you befriend while one or both of you are in relationships fall mostly in #2, though I do have a couple who are 1s. There is a reason why I don’t have any male friends who qualify as #3, but I can’t think of it now. #1 and #2 also includes exes with whom for some reason you’re still friends.
So, which of these friendships are the ones that cause inappropriate issues with your new relationship? Every woman for whom #1 applies and every ex with whom you’re still friends. Unless you are a complete doormat, your relationship with #1 women always has an extra edge.
In my case, that edge may one day get me cut. The first time my gf met a 1, despite that we were only there for a short time, and the only conversation I had with the 1 involved saying hello, this is new girl, what have you been up to, nice party, and bye, when we got back to her car, I was already getting the skeptic eye. Or just hanging out with her, people just seem to assume we’re together. But she’s a friend and smart men know when this is happening and take steps once they’re no longer single to minimize that vibe when hanging out with those friends.
So, what can or should be done about it? Not much. If you’re dating someone and can’t trust them around their friends, there are issues to deal with that go beyond them having a friend that at some point they were ready to bone. Even if an unfortunate accident wiped all of those friends off the face of the earth, there would still be trust issues. If one of those friends gets out of line or your new bf or gf gets out of line with that friend, then that’s an issue to be dealt with. But it isn’t something that could have been prevented by simply engineering unfortunate accidents (or making him or her get rid of those friends).
I don’t see anything wrong acknowledging your discomfort or concern about a partner’s relationship with a specific friend. People need reality checks from time to time. We can so easily make judgments about others and remain very aloof about some of the things we do. In the case of the 1 that I discussed above, it was only last year that I realized exactly what kind of vibe we gave off, despite us being friends for almost 4 years now.
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging discomfort, i would prefer it rather than getting eye rolls everytime i get a text message from her…however just know there will be stipulations,
1. you cant complain about my friend and not be ready to hear about yours
2. you cant force me to pick between you two
Perhaps i’m naive (or too damn arrogant) but i never worry about my girls’ male friends. I figure if they havent been together already theres likely a reason, either he has no interest in her or she aint feeling him either way i’m not losing sleep. Even with my female friends its the same thing we hooked up,
she doesnt like me #arrogance, or she not my type i.e. my best female friend who is probably the sweetest girl in the world yet i wouldnt touch in the midst of my worst dry spell“I figure if they havent been together already theres likely a reason”
hmmm… I’m not saying that you SHOULD worry about her male friends, but if there’s any reason- it’s this one.
A (straight) man in her life that she hasn’t had any dealings with might even pose as more of a threat than one of her exes. The thing about her friend…. she trusts him already and her guard is down. Secondly, because there’s never been anything going on between them, she’ll feel like he’s a safe person she can talk to when she needs a male-perspective about… YOU.
At that point, her male friend can be more influential than you know. He can either side with you or throw you under the bus. Either way, she’ll be all ears. That’s not to say he can persuade her into any wrongdoing, but the potential for him to be the one to do so, rather than any other male in her life, is greater.
“A (straight) man in her life that she hasn’t had any dealings with might even pose as more of a threat than one of her exes. The thing about her friend…. she trusts him already and her guard is down. Secondly, because there’s never been anything going on between them, she’ll feel like he’s a safe person she can talk to when she needs a male-perspective about… YOU.”
ALL. OF. THIS.
Exes are ok with me. you’ve been there, done that. New, untouched (by you ) booty is not….you’ll be wondering what if, and might be tempted to cut the sexual tension.
i think i’d still be more bothered with an ex with his hand stamped than uncharted territory, men might be more susceptible to the prospect of new gushy but i dont think women are so much i.e. the 500000 ninjas in respective friendzones
iDied @ “hand-stamped”
” or she not my type i.e. my best female friend who is probably the sweetest girl in the world yet i wouldnt touch in the midst of my worst dry spell”
lmmfao! So well said man lol. Gotta have standards out here. A dry spell aint an excuse to go too far below the bar you’ve set for yourself. There’s a line of respectability and you can’t be too generous with it lol.
Again, like I said upthread there’s really only one reason why a guy wouldn’t want to…and this is also why you can get a bad chick thirsty by not actin interested sexually…
So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship?
NONE of my relationship would have to end if I got into a relationship.
Every single friend I have knows how I am. They’ve known me long enough to know how I am!
And I am not married.
Life is not fun if you are possessive over the people you date, and have friendships with. I let people BE.
If a man has been having naked Twister with his female buddies but not his woman, he’s flucking up his relationship with his woman.
And I could very well date a man who likes playing naked Twister with his homeys.
Plus it goes both ways. What if I am a nude model? If he has a problem with it, he’s too uptight for me.
If some of us removed the Christmas coal out of our behinds, we’d have diamonds.
i’d probably have to drop a good four or five friends with 2 x-chromosomes. other than that i’m pretty sure that i could manage the rest of my relationships.
Sometimes you gotta trim your roster just to avoid logjams, time spent on a girlfriend is like that of 2.5 friends
Agreed! It’s amazing how you’ll get into a relationship, and they’ll be like 3-4 male friends you ain’t speak to in a couple months if only because a sheer lack of time.
Couple of random thoughts. For me, its not healthy to put all my eggs in one basket. I lose perspective if I put all my romantic efforts on one man. I go all out. And then get mad he has a life outside me. He’s never gonna be capable of providing all my needs.
I’m a flirt. It gives me life. I like to be flirted with. I need to feel wanted. All the time, not just the beginning stages of the relationship.
That word friend is so broad and convenient. It allows you to get what you want with no accountability.
I don’t know if I could be in a relationship cause getting most of my needs met most of the time by several flirty friends > trying to get it from one man after the thrill is gone.
“I’m a flirt… I like to be flirted with. I need to feel wanted. All the time, not just the beginning stages of the relationship.”
This rings true for me. I need a flirty, nonjealous type. Flirting gets me hot, seems like a win-win for the guy I’m with.
got ninjas warming up the car for the next to drive that aint right
Lmao! Man, Tristan you killin me today lol. Good analogy. But notice they said they flirt. They didn’t say it never leads to nothin…but yeah.. usually it doesn’t with your garden variety flirty woman. But there are a lot of pleasant exceptions to that rule luckily
I put it out there early that I have quite a few female friends-that are just friends. I’ve only ever had two have a problem with it, and they didn’t last long: ultimatums don’t scare me.
Although I will say anyone I previously dated would see a bit of a difference–just from my own experience.
I know people have had their drama with opposite friends and their relationships. Mine have been with significant others rekindling old flames with old meat. I had to drop my last girl because while she had such a problem with my closest friend who’s a girl (and has always been just a friend), but had no problem bringing her ex over while I’m out of town, and telling me weeks later. It makes both of them look sneaky, and I look stupid, and I just wouldn’t want to put anyone in that situation.
In terms of my opposite-sex friends, it’s all about boundaries, my dude. They play their position, you play yours and you don’t hide your intentions. Once people know what the drill is, who cares?
In terms of my wife’s opposite sex friends (or any of my past girlfriends), I really DGAF. The way I see it, either she’s going to cheat, or she isn’t. Last I checked, I didn’t make agreements with none of those dudes, but her. I expect her to maintain boundaries as I do with myself. If she can’t….that’s HER problem. I’m not worried about the next dude. No one can truly break anyone up. Someone has to leave.
“In terms of my wife’s opposite sex friends (or any of my past girlfriends), I really DGAF. The way I see it, either she’s going to cheat, or she isn’t. Last I checked, I didn’t make agreements with none of those dudes, but her. I expect her to maintain boundaries as I do with myself. If she can’t….that’s HER problem. I’m not worried about the next dude.”
I like this.
This falls under the “I hate you see y’all frown, but I’d rather see her smile,” clause: if you love her, you gotta do what’s needed to make things right .
good point. very good point. way to use Andre 3000 to back up your point there gangsta.
This is a GREAT point. Sums it up right there.
FINALLY able to get on here. Lawd. Got bandwidth errors for days. Well… minutes. But I’m dramatic. Slightly. <— See? I'm not really dramatic because I downplayed my dramaticism. -_-
"if you happened to get into a committed relationship tomorrow, exactly how many people would you have to stop talking to outright because your relationships could be deemed inappropriate?
Take your time. Think on it."
*gets in "The Thinker" pose*… ( ._.)
Yeah, man… since I am friend-zonededed a lot… and I sorta thrive on pervy convos (because sh*t… they fun! lol) a good majority of my male friends cross the "not just friends" threshold… well, depending on who measures it. Some are more less friends than others. But I still call it the friend-zone because ain't n'an one of em my man. Hmph. lol So… I call it "innocent playing".. Cept, it totally ain't. At all. lol
"Kind of like the idea that women don’t trust other women when its the man’s actions that would be the problem. Twiddle dee dum."
Mannnn listen. If I had 5 pence for every time I've ranted about how I hate when women go for the "other woman" FIRST… and don't even bat an eyelash at the actual ninja that did her wrong? Well… I'd be able to make Oliver Twist part of the upper middle class. Fancy gruel swag.
Lol @ fancy gruel swag
And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter?
i. effen. die.
this is why i fux wit y’all vsb.
Yeah, that was hilarity. And confusing. Best of both worlds.
I would have to end two friendships.
In my opinion, if the words “She’s just a friend…” (said with a certain tone…you know exactly how it sounds….)come out of your mouth, then you have already crossed the line. No one is ‘just a friend’. No one. That’s not saying you can’t have friends of the opposite sex, but if they are truly platonic, you state your relationship in a different way.
so how does this work if you’re bi-sexual? i’m just curious. no pun intended.
I think it’s about the same, especially if you stick to a certain type. you just know when a relationship is not appropriate.
Man, this post resonates with me so well, it’s kinda creepy. (And not just because you plugged Karaoke for a Cause at the end. lol)
I tend to fall in the “Girl that’s One of the Guys” Category, and typically it works out ok. Everyone respects boundaries, and the people I’ve dated knew that when they met me and are usually ok with it. Until, someone crosses the line. And someone always does. Somebody always feels the need to “get something off their chest” and then I’m in a quandry. I don’t want to lose a great friendship, but I don’t want to disrespect my relationship either.
The other day, HOt 99.5 had a discussion with their listeners where they asked them “what would happen if you and your spouse exchanged phones for 24 hours.” It seems like… just about everyone would be broken up. lol. Maybe that’s a rule of thumb to follow. Only have conversations and friendships that you can comfortably have in front of your significant other… or… let it go.
I also think that if you’re a reasonable man dating a reasonable woman and having 95% reasonable conversations with the opposite sex via text or whatever, the reasonable woman will probably just roll her eyes if she catches wind of your inapprporiate conversations… unless this is one of several indications that you’re cheating. I think this is one of those things that varies person to person. I’m not a jealous person, UNLESS something smells funny. Then I become a pit bull and yeah, those friendships are now inappropriate.
Good post. I got a mind to forward it to at least 3 people I know. lol
” Only have conversations and friendships that you can comfortably have in front of your significant other… or… let it go.”
this.
…but what if you’re dating someone that’s just inappropriate in nature? like maybe the subject is inappropriate but not geared towards that specific person they’re talking to… they’re just mad inappropriate? do you break up or stay together?
I also think that if you’re a reasonable man dating a reasonable woman and having 95% reasonable conversations with the opposite sex via text or whatever, the reasonable woman will probably just roll her eyes if she catches wind of your inapprporiate conversations…
is the fact that so few of us are reasonable the reason why relationship books and sites are a billion dollar industry?
ha!
Maybe a better word to exchange for reasonable is the phrase “extremely liberal/understanding/completely not jealous at all.”
Better?
um, wow. i definitely missed that entire last paragraph. lawd. forget my previous comment. that’s exactly how i feel. lol.
“Only have conversations and friendships that you can comfortably have in front of your significant other… or… let it go.” Yep.
oops. forgot to answer the actual question.
there are people i would have to get rid of.. and they aren’t just the mon dem.
that whole misery loves company theory? crabs in a bucket? yea – it exists. and while you like to think you know your friends.. you sometimes find out by getting into a relationship who are the real ones and who aren’t.
when i think about the men friends in my life (and for the record, they both friend zoned MOI..not the other way around), they are going to be there for life, so new boo will just have to deal. it does help that 1 lives about 5 hrs away and 1 pops in and out of my life with the frequency of a solar eclipse. still love em both like my mama’s oxtail.
the other dudes aren’t significant enough to worry about.
the moral to my story: if it would bother me if he did it, then i can’t do it myself.
just a random thought…you kinda have to stop talking to some people because it’s not really fair to expect them to change the game abruptly just because you found yourself in a relationship.
Really? Because I know dayum well I’d put a censoring on stuff I did that was okay while he was single, but not okay while he’s boo’d up. Just outta respect. It wouldn’t change anything really about our friendship, especially since our friendship is (hopefully) based on more than that.
I’d expect the same from him.
@Dee “it’s not really fair to expect them to change the game abruptly just because you found yourself in a relationship.”
I disagree: As adults our lives change, and we can and should expect our relationships to change also. If folks are inflexible and unwilling to respect your reasonable boundaries that’s a red flag.
Okay short story #1:
I was actually on the other side of this when an old male friend that I dated straight told me “Yo I can’t talk to u anymore. My girl feel some type of way & I really don’t want the stress or drama. I’m sorry.”
This all came about after being reconnected through the infamous facebook long after graduating college. He wrote on my wall, “What it do?!”…the intro. I responded on his wall, “tricks, flips & dips” not knowing he was tied down….just being funny.
Next thing u know I get a strange friend request from a female that I wasn’t quite sure I knew. I obliged and it didn’t take long for the mystery to unravel. His girl basically had a friend of hers request me so she can see “what I look like” & what he said to me…this new chick out of nowhere imposing on her man lol.
Needless to say they broke up some time later & we reconnected. I was given an apology.
Hope he doesn’t read this blog lol. If so, u know what it is fam….much love & respect for u. Glad to be back in touch.
(Waving)
LOONG Post alert.
So I have a ton of FINE, sweet, great on paper man-friends, and my man has an equal amount of the female variety. Lots of experience here.
Can they really manage them?
Opposite sex friendships are definitely manageable. Problem is, often times folks aren’t as you put it, honest about what they’re managing. If you pretend you’re not attracted to someone and put no boundaries in place, someone’s going to slip and fall and land on someone else’s… (Ahem.) Also, folks get it twisted thinking it isn’t up to them to be accepting of their bf/gf’s friends AND to manage their friendships once their in a relationship. Y’all both need to alert folks to what is and isn’t ok and hold them to it. Anyone (bf/gf or friend) who takes issue with that is shifty.
Hell, what do women deem inappropriate within the confines of a “friendship” anyway?
Depends on the friendship. If you’re truly platonic (which I believe can only happen when you’re immediate family or otherwise physically repulsed by one another) darn near anything goes. Well, a lot.
Problem is, most opposite sex friendships aren’t platonic, they’re just not involved. Meaning, there either already has been -or they can imagine- a scenario, however far-fetched, where bukkit-nekkitness and likededing it are involved. In those friendships really clear boundaries are needed. Y’all actually posted the rules about that here eons ago.
So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? None. You just reset boundaries. When I was single, flirtation and one-on-one time with my guy friends was just fine. My man deserves and warrants all my sexual and intimate attention and that’s what he gets. I expect the same.
And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out? Nope. I retired my bench players. I don’t believe in revisiting exes or stringing men along for validation.
If so, why maintain them? I could see how, if someone is insecure enough they’d want to feel validated by the thrill of raw interest from more than just one person. But that’s their problem. And if they’re with someone who doesn’t recognize that, they both in for some silliness.
This was a great post. I didn’t agree with everything but there were a lot of salient points.
Okay short story #2:
About 5 months ago I ended my relationship of a year & a half. In the beginning of the relationship he actually posed the statement “I think we should cut off any contact with any exes or anyone suspect.” Seemed fair to me until he took a strong stance about my very first kiss guy….ummm seventh grade ish. I was very hurt by this & torn. I knew we were just friends & he wasn’t the type of guy that would impose. Not saying he may have not tried his hand if we were both available at the time. Needless to say I obliged the man I thought I was truly headed for the M with.
Ironically he carried on a “friendship” with a young lady on facebook. Things were inappropriate (along with his photo commentary) so I addressed it. I guess I slapped his mama that day too because it went all the way down. After insisting it was nothing, the private emails came, testing, phone calls, & invitations to “hang out” sometime. When the relationship ended he was in a very public relationship with this young lady just one month lady. Damn lol.
& as for my seventh grade super smoocher…I heard from him again when he called to say his father died. Damn again.
Mistake & lesson over learned.
Okay short story #2:
About 5 months ago I ended my relationship of a year & a half. In the beginning of the relationship he actually posed the statement “I think we should cut off any contact with any exes or anyone suspect.” Seemed fair to me until he took a strong stance about my very first kiss guy….ummm seventh grade ish. I was very hurt by this & torn. I knew we were just friends & he wasn’t the type of guy that would impose. Not saying he may have not tried his hand if we were both available at the time. Needless to say I obliged the man I thought I was truly headed for the M with.
Ironically he carried on a “friendship” with a young lady on facebook. Things were inappropriate (along with his photo commentary) so I addressed it. I guess I slapped his mama that day too because it went all the way down. After insisting it was nothing, the private emails came, testing, phone calls, & invitations to “hang out” sometime. When the relationship ended he was in a very public relationship with this young lady just one month later. Damn lol.
& as for my seventh grade super smoocher…I heard from him again when he called to say his father died. Damn again.
Mistake & lesson over learned.
*texting not testing (hate autocorrect on iPad)
“I guess I slapped his mama that day too because it went all the way down.” LOL!!
I could say so much on this topic based on recent experiences…but I’ll just leave this one alone. Besides it’s so late in the day that no one would see it anyway.
I would have.
damn i love the single life and purposefully keeping women at arms length AND letting them know im doing it!
Purposely?
I don’t think that you have to end any friendships with the opposite sex, once in a relationship, if you establish very clear and very wide boundaries in order to give your new relationship time to grow. You have to let your significant other know that your intentions towards the relationship are solid and their place in your life is secure. Otherwise you’re blurring the lines between how you act with your significant other and how you act with your friend. If you’re unable or unwilling to separate the two, being in an exclusive relationship is pointless.
New to the website but…from what i’ve read so far, great great stuf from both the blogs and comments alike.
Came across this video the other day. At least its not just a black thing lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T_lh5fR4DMA
On this topic I have evolved. 10 years ago I was fervently of the mindset that platonic was platonic, and that as long as I kept it real there was no inappropriate situation.
But the older I get, the more brutally honest I am with myself. And the truth is I don’t really have platonic friends… if I’m honest I never have… either I’ve messed with them, or they were on deck… but every last one of them was a “potential”. If people were equally honest they’d probably admit the same. They’d recognize that if they’re already saying that this person is a close personal friend, that they’re already admitting an attraction of some type, it’s just a question of time and opportunity before one of the two of you acts on it.
How I did I convince myself that there was no inappropriate situation? The “so-called” platonic friends were never grimy. None of them went out of their way to disrespect my relationship. On the surface it seemed innocent. But we’re human. Attraction isn’t a fluke, it’s biological design. We become attracted to people (who we fully well intended to keep in a platonic fashion) without intent or effort. It’s an involuntary response.
I think folks have every reason to be skeptical of the “other” relationship. It’s not a matter of distrusting your S/O it’s a matter of trusting biology. You can mean well, she can mean well, and you can still f#ck up. All it takes is to act on an impulse, sending a photo, saying a certain thing, touching someone… each one is a slip stream to trouble (even if you didn’t intend it). So I avoid situations where I can f#ck up. I keep interaction to a basic level, avoid certain topics and jokes, only meet in group settings, and constantly characterize myself as an old dude who’s basically married off already. Those who respect my relationship, I keep around and introduce to the GF. Those who won’t respect the relationship, get released to free agency the moment they demonstrate they won’t respect the relationship… I don’t need that kind of temptation. I just don’t. I know what Biology will do if given a chance. Better to avoid that altogether.
“I don’t need that kind of temptation. I just don’t. I know what Biology will do if given a chance. Better to avoid that altogether.” Yessir!
“I think folks have every reason to be skeptical of the “other” relationship.” This is a slippery slope though: If there are warning signs, yes skepticism is warranted. If there aren’t any, and you’re aware your mate has a healthy attitude like yours (e.g. I recognize it might get messy and take active steps to prevent that and remove anything unhealthy from my life) skepticism can create a climate of distrust.
If you were my man Panama, then there would be no problems and no friends lost (well it depends on how inappropriate your female friendships are) but unfortunately a lot of us women (me) can’t see an insecure men like the forest through the trees. A lot of that friend getting rid of business comes from getting in relationships with insecure mofos. I’m not saying just men, there’s insecure women too. What I’m saying if you trust your man/woman and are secure in yourself then there shouldn’t be any friendships lost, unless of course the relationship is truly, truly inappropriate (disrespectfully inappropriate).
“And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter?”
I died.
Seriously though, did anyone else read that article? I almost felt bad for the ninja, it was so off the mark. Not sure he was even aiming for the same planet. http://www.forbes.com/sites/quickerbettertech/2011/12/12/if-i-was-a-poor-black-kid/
My dilema, husband and I have been together for 10 years married 8 1/2. Recently we’ve noticed we have grown apart over the past 1 or so. He has about a year relationship with a female worker. While arguing about wether we should try to work things out or not he admits to having “real good friend feelings” for this girl (whom he will not name). I asked if he would ever date her if I wasn’t in the picture and he answered yes. Now that we have ultimatley decided to work things out I ask him to cut contact with her to only keep it to work related contact. He refuses stating he’s sorry that he cares for the freindship not the actual person it’s coming from and he will not drop her (or the friendship as he puts it). Is this appropriate for him to do? There are other issues that I am willing to work on but this is the BIG issue for me: Can I live with knowing he sees more in her and still keep her as a friend? He says he made a mistake in saying what he said that he didn’t know why he said it. I see it as he definetly sees something else in her but doesn’t want to admit it to himself.
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