Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

And You Say She’s Just A Friend.

If you do this, you are wrong. Stop it. And get some color.

Here’s a simple question for the single masses: if you happened to get into a committed relationship tomorrow, exactly how many people would you have to stop talking to outright because your relationships could be deemed inappropriate?

Take your time. Think on it.

*humming Curtis Mayfield’s “The Makings Of You”*

If I did an actual honest assessment of most of my opposite sex relationships, then there’s a good chance I’d need to drop kick a solid 98 percent of my female friends to the curb. Ya know, should I get into a relationship.

Here’s an even more interesting piece: I don’t even know how half of those relationships got to the inappropriate phase. Or if they’re even really inappropriate. Most of them would probably just bother anybody that I’d be dating. It’s no like all of my friendships are filled with sexting and slumber parties that involve naked twister. In fact, most of them are chock full of conversations that are relevant to life and dating. It’s just that every so often, they can veer into questionable and head right down into “make the preacher blush” territory.

And I think that 99 percent of functioning, datable men have this same problem. Hell, I’ll bet that even men in relationships have this conundrum. Because from what I’ve learned, most women aren’t really that concerned with making an off the cuff remark on occasion. And there aren’t many dudes who are going to check that kind of behavior because…well…why? It doesn’t happen frequently and he doesn’t plan on digging deeper into its origins or meanings so…live and let live.

Here’s another thing to wonder about: I’m almost sure that women would be on a seek and destroy mission when it came to those relationships they didn’t feel were appropriate now that their man has a woman. But I can’t honestly ever remember caring really that my girls had single male friends. Maybe its the assumption that all men are dogs and need to have the temptation removed for them. Kind of like the idea that women don’t trust other women when its the man’s actions that would be the problem. Twiddle dee dum.

And maybe its the idea that men are so self-centered that we’d never really suspect our women of stepping out on us anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I’m not much of a jealous guy anyway so maybe I’m projecting here. Cinema.

I’ve lost my point.

So if men have these inappropriate relationships with beaucoup women, do these same women deem their own relationships inappropriate or do they feel that because they can manage them it doesn’t matter. Can they really manage them? Or does it not matter because women get tunnel vision once they’re in relationships and through attrition get rid of all of their friends anyway leaving only their man to be their homey/lover/friend because R. Kelly created the term on a lonely night when all the kids were at Christmas pageants?

Hell, what do women deem inappropriate within the confines of a “friendship” anyway? I know what constitutes inappropriate but I don’t mind it at all. And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter? Lauryn teaches me that nothing even matters, at all.

I asked a lot of questions. Mostly because I’m curious after looking at my own life and having a conversation or two with male and female friends of mine. And it hurt a little that I’d have to get kicked to the curb. But it makes sense. You make one too many “what you can do with that boob” jokes and next thing you know the new beau ain’t really feeling you dun son.

So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out? If so, why maintain them?

Holler at me.


For the DC massive: If you’re looking for a good deed to do this Christmas season, consider heading out to support Karaoke for a Cause on Thursday, 12/15 from 6-10pm at Liv Nightclub (11th and U, NW). You can bring a toy or a $20 donation for Southeast White House as one of VSB’s own commenters, Crystal Marie of is helping put on the event. This is not a VSB event, but it is something that all VSB/VSS can get behind because its intended to help the less fortunate out. And if you can’t make it but would like to donate, click here.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • MzPW

    Man….you mean I gotta consider lettin’ go of the boys…even if I’m a girl?

  • xLadyTx

    Wow, I’m goin thru this situation right now. This is the same guy I’m trying to get away from, but we still talk about “hypotheticals”.

    Personally, I wouldn’t care if he had single female friends, as long as they still respected me & our relationship. It’s all about boundaries. Here’s where my personal issue comes into play: is it ever okay to hang out with your friend of the opposite sex, ALONE, when ur in a relationship??

  • Chanelle

    I have guy friends who play in my hair and some give me massages and we always share dirty jokes so i guess those things would be considered inappropriate (if I were to get into a relationship) therefore all of my male friendships would probably need to end lol or at least be cut to a minimum

  • J.T. Thorne

    I probably have one female friend that I would have to kick to the curb if I got in a relationship, it’s tough though because we’re like family. I chill with her and her family on holidays and everything. Shoot, I even call her Momma…Momma, but there has been some unspoken tension between us and I kinda think that her family would like to see us together. Is it so unfathomable to think that I could maintain my friendship with her while being in a relationship with another woman?

  • En Squared

    Umm honestly, I’m pretty inappropriate. Might be one of the main reasons why I thinks its better to be single at the moment. But if I were to enter into a relationship tomorrow I’d say half of my male to female friendships would have to change drastically. More if you considered the man’s intentions and not just my own. I also have a great deal of lesbian friends that wouldn’t mind getting it either… Dayum. I prolly shouldn’t get boo’d up any time soon.

    I agree with Lauryn though, nothing even matters, to me. To me. I’m not a jealous person. I think that if two people are committed to each other they show it and it shouldn’t be questioned by what other people might deem suspect. I tend to trust the folks I’m with. Every relationship is different and has different boundaries. Set em up and stick to em.

  • griffdamagician

    let’s be real! relationship guys can’t just be out with non-relationship females. the only a woman will allow a friendship between her man and chix that are in his life that ain’t fam AND single is if she can meet her on three occasions: 1 the female out with other females as much can be learned about her from the company she keeps. 2 see her with her man to make sure that there is no spark or attraction, 3 observe Tha chick and her man when they think she ain’t around. I don’t see any woman a guy free course to make possibilities with other women.

    I was taught that when u in a relationship, that person becomes priority 1 over friends.

  • LO (literarily orgasmic)

    You can’t speak to your partner about what they do that makes u uncomfortable when u are possibly doin it ur damnself. That’s a case of Pot Meet Kettle. It’s important to have mutual respect in a relationship and set boundaries for what is ok and falls in the No Bueno bucket. It is also important that your opposite sex friends show your relationship respect. I think opposite sex friendships are perfectly healthy. It becomes unhealthy when they become secretive and you hide details fro ur boo. At that point, it is time to evaluate what the hell you are hiding and why?
    My male friends…..I look at them like they are just one of the girls. They find that isht MUY offensive at times. But we both know it ain’t that.kinda party so its all good.
    Hmmm….inspiration for a new poem. Thanks Panama Jax……girllllllll he a 3. You are at least a 5 boo. Lol

  • Mena

    People seem to equate friendship with having acquaintances. If when you are about to enter into a relationship, you know you have to drop some people of the opposite sex, they aren’t friends. They are cool people you have a good time with but at the end of the day, if they weren’t part of your inner circle, life would continue and everything would be fine.
    Then there are friends. Those people who, when you are about to get into a relationship, already know bc they have been there since day one. These are the people you want your SO to meet from the jump since your friends will tell you if the person is right for you or not. These are the people that you wouldn’t consider getting rid of simply bc you enter into a relationship. In fact, the thought alone is inane.
    I think the problem lies when we hide people from our future other bc we “know” they are going to get jealous. Seriously?!? Give people the benefit of the doubt and a chance to meet if they are both that important to you. Also, if you have friends of the opposite sex who you know are trifflin, why do you consider them to be a friend to begin with? Maybe I am being too simplistic but if people were honest from the jump, a lot of our problems wouldn’t exist.
    As for me, there isn’t one guy friend that I would need to drop bc I entered into a relationship. My inner circle is small for a reason and it took me too long to find those few people that have my best interest at heart to let them go simply bc I got into a relationship. Now, for the acquaintances, I can always find more.

  • Iceprincess

    As females, we know the difference between out truly platonic freinds & the “im frontin like im harmless but i wud f_ck the beejesus out of u givin the slightest chance” freinds. So i say keep the former & ditch the latter when in a relationship.

  • Mdanielle

    Very interesting topic!! I’ve actually had a few of what I considered to be male close friends kick me to the curb once they got into relationships and I don’t know why because I didn’t think our friendship was inappropriate. However, I do have a male friend (strictly platonic) whom I’ve known for 9 years and we are extremely close and I can see how mine or his significant other would be upset about our friendship but I feel like if you trust your mate it shouldn’t matter and if you don’t then you don’t need to be with that person.

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