Have you ever met somebody who’s breath literally whipped your ass whenever they spoke?
I know a person or two like this. Needless to say, we stay texting one another. My thumb game? Vicious.
It gets to Gold-medal Olympic levels when the thought of conversation with those individuals even enters my mind.
Do you remember those Certs commercials where the dudes pulled out the huge Certs packs? Good.
So let me tie this all up. In middle school, there was this chick with less than stellar breath with a ginormous crush on me. Me being the completely murderous smack-a-b*tch gangsta nice person that I am, despite her husky breath, I did my best to be swell towards her at all time. I mean, hell, unrequited love is that bullsh*t right?
Well, in my youth, I was also prone to peer pressure. And somehow I got myself mixed up in a ploy to out ole girl and her yakmouth in front of a bunch of people. Instead of standing up to people and not hurting somebody who didn’t deserve it…
…I straight Cert’d her ass at a party one night. Oh yeah, full monty ass commercial style and everything. It was a spectacular performance. F*cked up in every possible way. As far as ways to humiliate somebody, lose a friend, and piss them off to tears in one fell swoop goes – I hit the perfect 10 on that ass.
Man was I f*cked up. But I was 13 at the time. Thing is, I felt hella guilty about it for a long time. She never did quite recover from that and I know she teetered on hating me for a the duration of our 8th grade year. Of course, some teachers found out and sat me down as I was the shining pupil and shit. Needless to say, I got a good talking too.
I still feel bad about it. It was unnecessary and rude. And being the uber-motherf*cking swell ninja that I am, it just ain’t right to be breaking young girls hearts.
By the way, I did apologize to her. I tried my best to make amends. It didn’t work. I saw her like 13 years later…despite her pissededness at seeing me, I still had her stuck off the realness, I’m the infamous, you heard of son, official VSB murderer. Yep, she wobble wobbled.
I’ve got more stories of assholishness – I actually made a chick beg me for the salami once…lol. But we’d like to hear your stories.
What’s the worst thing you’ve done in a relationship? Or even to somebody who just really liked you? I know some of you have a conscience.
Let us be your couch. Go ahead…woosah.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST