And Then I…Exhaled.

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Have you ever met somebody who’s breath literally whipped your ass whenever they spoke?

I know a person or two like this.  Needless to say, we stay texting one another.  My thumb game?  Vicious.

It gets to Gold-medal Olympic levels when the thought of conversation with those individuals even enters my mind.

Do you remember those Certs commercials where the dudes pulled out the huge Certs packs?  Good.

So let me tie this all up.  In middle school, there was this chick with less than stellar breath with a ginormous crush on me.  Me being the completely murderous smack-a-b*tch gangsta nice person that I am, despite her husky breath, I did my best to be swell towards her at all time.  I mean, hell, unrequited love is that bullsh*t right?

Well, in my youth, I was also prone to peer pressure.  And somehow I got myself mixed up in a ploy to out ole girl and her yakmouth in front of a bunch of people.  Instead of standing up to people and not hurting somebody who didn’t deserve it…

…I straight Cert’d her ass at a party one night.  Oh yeah, full monty ass commercial style and everything.  It was a spectacular performance.  F*cked up in every possible way.  As far as ways to humiliate somebody, lose a friend, and piss them off to tears in one fell swoop goes – I hit the perfect 10 on that ass.

Le sigh.

Man was I f*cked up.  But I was 13 at the time.  Thing is, I felt hella guilty about it for a long time.  She never did quite recover from that and I know she teetered on hating me for a the duration of our 8th grade year.  Of course, some teachers found out and sat me down as I was the shining pupil and shit.  Needless to say, I got a good talking too.

I still feel bad about it.  It was unnecessary and rude.  And being the uber-motherf*cking swell ninja that I am, it just ain’t right to be breaking young girls hearts.

By the way, I did apologize to her.  I tried my best to make amends.  It didn’t work.  I saw her like 13 years later…despite her pissededness at seeing me, I still had her stuck off the realness, I’m the infamous, you heard of son, official VSB murderer.  Yep, she wobble wobbled.

I’ve got more stories of assholishness – I actually made a chick beg me for the salami once…lol.  But we’d like to hear your stories.

What’s the worst thing you’ve done in a relationship?  Or even to somebody who just really liked you?  I know some of you have a conscience.

Let us be your couch.  Go ahead…woosah.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

302 thoughts on “And Then I…Exhaled.”

  1. funny, my story is about a guy who had bad breath and had a huge crush on me too. i never outed him about his breath (i just always offered him gum everytime i saw him), instead I outed him about something else. i had an emotionally unavailable boyfriend at the time so he took it upon himself to be my ‘emotional tampon’ (he made up this title, i didn’t). In fact my brother used to call him ‘johnny on the spot’ because if i wanted pancakes at 2 in the morning he was there…with cambodian breast milk in the other hand. at any rate, he had this 5th grade style of flirting with me; you know he teased me in public, made witty jokes about my lack of pop culture knowledge, pulled my hair, got on my nerves etc. But one day, enough was enough. See he forgot how much I knew about him and his dirty ass ways. So, I told our mutual friends about the time I was over at his apartment and opened his dishwasher only to discover a family of maggots crawling all over his dishes. It was like poltergeist, y’all. i dry heaved for five minutes and drove my ass home. After that, I never ate at his house again, but after I told his friends about that nasty sh*t, things were never the same between us either. I also confronted him about his feelings towards me and told him that I would never like him back…this was equally crushing :( (no ladies, he wasn’t cute…not even with both eyes squinted)

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    • “emotional tampon”

      I can not stand you!! LOL… I don’t think I would let him name himself that..or refer to himself as such…in public or private! too funny!!!

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    • ‘‘johnny on the spot’ because if i wanted pancakes at 2 in the morning he was there…with cambodian breast milk in the other hand”

      Oh man did I do a guy so bad who had the biggest crush on me who was the aforementioed ‘johnny on the spot’….. I pretty much used him for months without giving him the ‘goodies’ and ended up sleeping with his cute roommate after a drunken party… I feel uber-shitty about it to this day, boy was I a big ol’ canniving slut at age 20, karma has sufficiently whooped my ass for the ill -ish I used to do…. smh, lol

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  2. ok…i am a considerate dumper…(as i have declared in a previous post) but there are some dudes that i wont even entertain, for various reason ranging from parole to man-tits…anyhow, last month i ran into a guy i went to high school with at the bus hub thingy downtown…he was still crushing on me…i made him so nervous his voice was cracking…it was cute…but he isnt…he kind of looks like LaunchPad McQuack from Ducktales (ooooooo oooh), but i digress…he invited me to his 30th bday party and gave me his number…im nice and he invited me so i planned to go…i called for directions and his mom answered the phone, she said he wasnt home yet but his curfew is 11 so call then and then goes on to tell me that i sound too smart to date her boy, hes been living w/ her since high school and isnt motivated…Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?… can u see my face? can u see me throwing the flag(s) on the play(s)? i skipped the party and now everytime i see him at the transit center i act like i cant hear him calling my name or see him waving me down or feel him tapping my shoulder…but only cuz i dont know how to tell him that being 30 with long ass relaxed hair, living w/ ur mama, having a curfew and a mom that says you are fruitless are all things that are the antithesis of attractive to me…you know sans his uncanny LaunchPad McQuack-ness…

    next time i see him…i will just tell him i have a boyfriend…i dont want to offend him, hes a sweet guy and someone will find him attractive and hatch permed out ducklings at his mamas house before 11pm…but just not me…i feel kind of bad for even typing this…but it was cathartic and i feel better…

    VSB worked for me!

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  5. My shortest relationship was one week. It happened when I was a senior in high school. I broke up with the guy because his breath stank and I couldn’t deal with talking to him and he wanted to be around me every day–just couldn’t do it and had to give him the boot. I never told him it was his breath. That was one of those times I just said, it’s not working out and that I didn’t want to be his girlfriend anymore. He couldn’t figure out why after only a week that I would come up with that conclusion. Silly me, thought I could get past the breath, but couldn’t. He was so cute and fine so I had overlooked it. To this day, he tells everyone I broke his heart but unless he’s reading this, he still doesn’t know the real reason :)

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    • “To this day, he tells everyone I broke his heart but unless he’s reading this, he still doesn’t know the real reason ”

      i can imagine some terribly bad breathed guy sitting at some pc somewhere fogging up the screen, reading this and crying

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  6. I was talking to this guy in like my senior year of highschool and everything was kosher until I saw his hands and he had a nerve to try and stroke my hand w/ his. Well…yeah, no problem right?! NO your wrong. Dude had like midget hands and plus on top of that they were crusted over, sandpaper–ish, busting brick type hands, crack and bleed any moment type of hands; lets just say any word you can come up w/ to describe dry, thick, and callus-it was him. It was just the mere thought of him trying to touch me or make any excuse to touch me and I happily made excuses to not touch him and ended this very short but one of the longest weeks of my life.

    I mean hey…I love hands and sandpaper I will not tolerate AT ALL

    Just picture the dude from scary movie trying to help the person in the window w/ his midget callus hand…I just rather go kill myself. LOL

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  7. im over here tryna mediate on something viscious I”ve DONE and I can’t really think of anything.

    oh wait…I do have one I’m about to do…(but I don’t think its so bad)

    There is little situation on the side of my house where YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO PARK. But my neighbor parks there anyway on the weekend even after I told her that Im hooking sprinklers up. So she can drive her “special car”.

    So she parks her “unspecial car” right up next to my petunias. Well I got a surprise for her dat tomorrow morning.

    She parks there for the weekend at 6am. I’ve bought a timer for my sprinklers. And every 15 minutes its gonna spray. So she can park there tomorrow morning if she wants to.

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    • I still did try to meditate on a relationship …and I had to offer up my sprinkler situation.

      I’m rather perfect in one. no visiciousness here..oh wait..

      ok this JUST came to me. But I we had BROKEN UP. This was a LONG LONG time ago. This dude took some butt azz naked pictures of himself ..sending them to this other chick. I forwarded those pics to everybody in his address book.

      but was that viscious…what nasty azz takes pics of their penis and fowards.

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    • “She parks there for the weekend at 6am. I’ve bought a timer for my sprinklers. And every 15 minutes its gonna spray. So she can park there tomorrow morning if she wants to.”

      The Comeback Girl…I bet she won’t park there anymore. Hope she has her windows up.

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  9. i already spoke about the most vicious thing ive done:

    ***taken from http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/a-fish-named-karma/***

    “a decade ago, while the champ was still a college-aged “challenger”, i used technology to intentionally hurt and embarrass someone who i thought had disrespected me.”

    i also broke up with my fiancee 4 months before we were supposed to get married. it was inevitable and completely the right decision, but still…i guess it does rank pretty high up there in f*ckedupedness

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    • “i also broke up with my fiancee 4 months before we were supposed to get married. it was inevitable and completely the right decision, but still…i guess it does rank pretty high up there in f*ckedupedness”

      hell to the fyk yeah…I’d sue dat azz (ok maybe not) …you know a woman did sue this dude who broke an engagement, a jury awarded her 100k (emotional distress, vera wang dress, invitations, and EMBARRASSMENT)

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    • i also broke up with my fiancee 4 months before we were supposed to get married. it was inevitable and completely the right decision, but still…i guess it does rank pretty high up there in f*ckedupedness

      I don’t think it’s f*cked up…if you left and it was for good reason,..then she knew it too..but didn’t want to be the first to abandon the investment…you were the “bigger person”…so remove this from your “naughty” list…you’ve been absolved!

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    • “i also broke up with my fiancee 4 months before we were supposed to get married. it was inevitable and completely the right decision, but still…i guess it does rank pretty high up there in f*ckedupedness”

      I did the same a few years ago…we were about 3 1/2 months out. Course I didn’t completely break it off then, since we lived together…broke everything up in stages. I learned that drawing sh*t out does NOT make things easier.

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    • “i also broke up with my fiancee 4 months before we were supposed to get married. it was inevitable and completely the right decision, but still…i guess it does rank pretty high up there in f*ckedupedness”

      Call me cold, but I don’t think its EFFed up. It’s better to break it up then 10 years down the line, u try to muff her w/ a pillow while she sleeping b/c u hate her guts. I think it takes more courage to end it when you realize its broken, than to continue in an empty shell of a relationship.

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  10. The worst thing I’ve done is recently.. I was dating this guy. He was cool. A little agressive secretly I called him to my friends “the silverback gorilla” cause he was like 6’6 and super aggressive. So we dated for a couple months and then eventually we did the deed or at least I think we did the deed. Dude had a “pigs in a blanket” sized wienersnitzel.. basically the deed was terrible. So afterwards..well during..ok I let him finish.. so then I got up and left. He called, he texted, he emailed for months. I just never picked up the phone.

    Wrong? Maybe. Thats why you should look at the goods before you get it! Literally..

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