An Ode To Ben Carson: Our Favorite Gifted-Handed Clusterfuck » VSB

Race & Politics

An Ode To Ben Carson: Our Favorite Gifted-Handed Clusterfuck

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Super Tuesday 2016 has come and gone. Barring a miraculous influx of cash from an itchy pocketed donor with literally no one else to give money to (in which case, I would like to point them toward my IRS bill because the Feds are absolutely not playing with me this year), we are more than likely in the sunset era of Ben Carson’s run for President.

Before we bid the man’s campaign a formal adieu, I would like to take some time to appreciate all that the fellow has contributed to the clusterfuck that has been this year’s primary race. Even if it did come at the expense of damn near every single Black mama who kept a copy of Gifted Hands on their kids’ bookshelves.

If Benjamin did nothing else this year, its expose once and for all that being one of the foremost experts at one thing makes you little more than the foremost expert at that one thing. Unfortunately for Ben (but not unfortunately for myself, for whom the GOP debates had become my personal Wrestlemania), not every possible circumstance that the commander-in-chief will be faced with can be tied to performing complicated neurosurgery on Siamese twins. As a matter of fact, I’d wager that next to no scenarios could be tied to neurosurgery, unless the White House turns into a real life version of Olympus Has Fallen and the President is running around tending to open head wounds. That said, I respect Ben for not ever failing to mention that he separated Siamese twins ever — one time I finessed a Metrocard that had 20 extra bucks in it and I may or may not have brought it up in conversation for the better part of a month, so I understand. So what makes Ben Carson qualified to discuss Foreign Policy? Domestic Terrorism? Immigration? Economy? #TheseHands have qualified him, that’s what.

Ben’s willingness to apply barbershop logic to almost every turn in this primary race cannot go without mention. There were the ridiculous claims to his steel reserve at gunpoint (at a Popeyes no less). Hotepian arguments that Planned Parenthood exists in Black communities as a form of population control. Long-winded and misguided metaphors about fruit salads and #thesehands – the latter of which is sure to somehow end up as a corny Fabulous punchline, because that is all that Fabulous does these days, so please stop trying to convince the world that his next mixtape is going to be good, Fab fan, all 32 of you. (Editor’s note: Blasphemy! Don’t you dare form your lips to insult the Young O. G.!)

Carson’s “nothing-to-lose” approach to campaigning, despite the minimal buy-in, has continued to be the gift that keeps on giving. Whether it be damn near napping on stage as question after question continues to bypass him during debates, or fucking up the walk-out order for everyone for my raucous enjoyment, or trotting out his wife and what she certainly believes to be vocal chops during a campaign event, Ben made sure to let us know that he was here to do what he wants, when he wants it, political inevitability be damned.

Ben Carson’s ability to maintain an extended presence on the primary platform for no reason other than “I ain’t got shit else to do and Candy told me to pick up a hobby” exposes the farce that is primary season; having outlasted Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, and Rand Paul purely off the strength of his incorrigible obstinacy. While his campaign was always a nonstarter, he will come away with enough momentum for a book deal that can rake in a fair amount of coin and elevated speaking fees for whichever institution is desperate for a commencement speaker. I can genuinely say that I’ll miss his uninformed rambling of little consequence, if for nothing else than the positioning of his campaign in the rearview will indicate the last vestiges of comedy we had to cling onto in this 2016 race are over, and we have to firmly address “making America great again” — a circumstance that no amount of dark liquor and white meat will have me ready to truly wrap my head around.

Here’s to you, Ben’s campaign. (Soon-to-be) gone, but never forgotten.

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • Gonna miss Doctor Sleepy, Medicine Guy.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      The Don Cornelius of politics

  • Brooklyn_Bruin

    Black mediocrity!

  • miss t-lee

    Why is Fab’s name misspelled? Like…that’s the only thing I know about Fab because he always spelled his shizz in his songs.

    Tragic.

    Ben Carson. Yeah…no. I won’t miss him. He can ride off into the sunset at anytime.
    Anytime.
    I’ll miss his wife’s singing though. Now that…I’m gonna miss that.

    • God Shammgod

      I’m aware of the proper spelling, but unfortunately spellcheck has minimal respect for Brooklyn’s finest, so sh*t happened. lol.

      • miss t-lee

        Hahahah

    • It’s crazy that Fab has (somehow) been around since the early oughts.

      • Since 1998, according to Wikipedia. What’s he doing now?

        • Not sure. Never listened to him like that.

        • Quirlygirly

          He had a song out.. a kinda remake of Doing It by LL Cool J with Nicki M.

          It …huh left a lot to be desired. I like Fab I do but ,,huh…I wish that song was better. I tried to like it

          • miss t-lee

            This sounds like…something I’d never want to listen to.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Mixtapes…and oddly enough he’s the King of New York right now because all the vets said he’s the only one holding it down.

          • Quirlygirly

            So he the King by default? People used to fight for the throne now they just giving it away? What has this world come to..

            • A$AP and Nicki are the only 2 notable new-ish NY rappers. Nicki is busy trying to keep Meek Mill out of jail and A$AP is busy modeling and doing limited edition fashion lines with Guess (which is actually really good if you’re about that 90s nostalgia).

              • Val

                He should have done the clothing line while he was still dating Chanel.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Listen…the South done had this thing on lock since 2002. That’s a 14 year stretch. Now NY rappers either sound like South rappers or sound like rappers from the 90s (Joey BadA$$, Flatbush Zombies). The only ones I care about don’t even sound like NY rappers, they just good period (like Smoke DZA)

              So I don’t care about that stuff anymore, and it seems like most of NY doesn’t either.

              • All the best young rappers are from the West. The South has all the radio hits, but no rappers people actually follow except J Cole who sounds like a bootleg NY Rapper.

                • Considering a lot of the rappers from NY sound like bootleg southerners it’s only fair.

                  • miss t-lee

                    Details.

                  • But how you can claim to run hip hop then get mad when people sound like you?

                    • I’m not mad about that at all. Just stating that the lines between regional sounds have blurred. The hip hop world is just a smaller place now.

                    • I see where you going with that. Listen to Fetty Wap and you would think he was from somewhere in the South, like ATL, but he’s from Jersey. That could just be my Southern bias coming out tho.

                    • -h.h.h.-

                      nah i thought he was from Humpalumpa Georgia too, then i realized he’s from up here

                    • Really…Humpalumpa? You couldn’t just say Decatur?

                    • -h.h.h.-
                • Brass Tacks

                  Earth Gang

                • Brandon Allen

                  Do people follow rappers outside of Drake, Kendrick, Cole and Kanye? Everything else just seems like singles and trap music.

                  • A$AP mob spreads love and peace

              • Quirlygirly

                You right- I don’t care either..It is just sad that you win by default..

                That is like getting picked last for the kickball team. You not good but we need a player.

                • Just a body on in right field…

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  True…but that’s the sad state of affairs for rap. Which is weird, because the rap game is the only musical genre that’s sectioned off like that.

              • Brandon Allen

                2005 is a little more accurate. Can’t forget about 50 like that!

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  True true that 3 year span was official

            • miss t-lee

              *cackling*

            • Lol! Rappers used to go hard to earn that title. I’mma blame IG (like I always do) for this new lazy rapper syndrome.

          • miss t-lee

            If he’s the King of New York, y’all gotta do better.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              *shrugs*

              The South runs this. We got Desiigner, sounding like a fake Future.

              So I’m good. I’ll stick with my Santigold right now.

              • miss t-lee

                I don’t need to hear a fake Future when there’s a real one still kickin’.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  Trust me….nobody asked for this.

              • What you think of this new album?

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  I was listening to it on my lunch break. So far it’s cool..I need to bump it for a few more spins..but I like the joint with ILoveMannoken

            • OSHH

              I always love that low budget 1990 flick though.

              • miss t-lee

                Indeed. Good ol’ Christopher Walken.

            • For reals!

          • Okay…I’m confused because it’s Fabolous. Like really?

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              He’s consistent if nothing else, I guess that’s why

        • -h.h.h.-

          What’s he doing now?

          Fabolous and Jadakiss: the Freddy vs. Jason Mixtape coming soon

          • Not a big Fab fan. But, I might listen to it. Maybe.

            • God Shammgod

              Dont get swindled, Jadakiss has been eternally making 2001-era music like I can’t go into my old iPod and listen to the music of his I downloaded back in 2001. Only so many ways you can reconstruct We Gon Make It.

              • -h.h.h.-

                you not gonna ruin my 2016 Shammy. dont do this to me lol

              • Don’t worry. I was only being polite. I have zero interest in a Fab mixtape. I still working on freeing Gucci Mane.lol

        • Flossing exclusive jerseys on IG

      • miss t-lee

        Indeed.

    • Mary Burrell

      That was funny I heard that on my podcast About Race and I couldn’t stop laughing. Plus I saw a photo of his wife wearing a very unfortunate outfit that looked like the American flag. It was sad.

      • miss t-lee

        yeah…all around unfortunate.

  • -h.h.h.-

    i’m only here to say dont disrespect the greatness that is LOSO, cuz clearly you didn’t know-so.

    carry on.

    • God Shammgod

      He went from being one of the top punchline artists in NY to a facsimile of Weezy puns over soul beats, I’m Good, No Music <— that's a line that Fab will put on his next mixtape. #NotALituation

      • -h.h.h.-
        • Dorothywlawyer4


          “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


          two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereoo!784????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsWeb/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::oo!784…..

        • KirstinBMoore


          “my .friend’s mate Is getting 98$. HOURLY. on the internet.”….


          two days ago new Mc.Laren. F1 bought after earning 18,512$,,,this was my previous month’s paycheck ,and-a little over, 17k$ Last month ..3-5 h/r of work a days ..with extra open doors & weekly. paychecks.. it’s realy the easiest work I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months ago and now making over 87$, p/h.Learn. More right Hereo!o559????? http://GlobalSuperEmploymentVacanciesReportsService/GetPaid/98$hourly…. .?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:?:::::o!o559…….

      • Has anyone ever penned a “fake Fab bars” blog?

        • God Shammgod

          I don’t think so, but you could just cherry pick bars of his mixtapes from the last 2 years and no one would be there wise, BBOD has more downloads of their singles on DatPiff than Fab has at this point

          • “BBOD has more downloads of their singles on DatPiff than Fab has at this point”

            Carly Fiorina would still be in this race if she used “tatalicious” as her theme song.

            • God Shammgod

              i think “is it ‘tatatalicious’ or is it ‘thot-thot-thotlicious’ ” is the new “5’2 or fine too”

              …by the way it’s clearly fine, too.

              • I….

                ….but…

                *mumbles something about D Woods in the Lloyd video. places new sword and shield on the ground. begins the walk home.*

                • God Shammgod

                  that was ice cold.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            I have a feeling since you moved to BK, you got REALLY SICK of hearing Fab mixtapes bumping at obtuse times of the night right?

            I’m not even gonna knock you for it.

      • Okay buy Sham, if Fab dropped The SOUL Tape 4 right now you’d run and give it a listen through all those struggle punch lines.

        • God Shammgod

          No I wouldn’t. I only have space for one part of my life to be a disaster in perpetuity and that privilege falls to the New York Knicks organization.

          • Quirlygirly

            Dang Sham..you kinda hard on Fab..did you never like him or did he let you down during his years in music?

            • God Shammgod

              I was a fan when he was good. Continued to be a fan while he started to decline. Then he said “her feet are killing her, I call it shoeicide” and I hung it up, because Iyanla told me I need to love myself more.

              • Brass Tacks

                Lol

              • Quirlygirly

                SMH.. Yeah..I understand. I gave that particular verbage the “WTF face” when I heard it too..

                With each mixtape/album he drops I hold out hope but he been letting me down.

              • But that was a classic!

                -Signed a reluctant Fab fan

              • -h.h.h.-

                but he came back and gave the public Thim Slick!!!

                • Jay Howard Gatsby

                  yes, Lord. And Teyana “Benny the Bull in the face but in a 10 in every other place” Taylor in that video >>>

              • ED

                Lol I was ok with that line. I’m not hard to please lol

              • miss t-lee

                Shoeicide?

                *cackling*

          • Brandon Allen

            Did you see Melo humiliate himself yesterday?
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK0y9fZpfpo

            • -h.h.h.-

              you not helping fam…

              YOURE
              NOT
              HELPING.

          • ED

            *sigh*

        • kris b.

          I know I would

      • check my profile picture
  • Val

    Wow, Sham, you’ve really been paying attention to this guy? I stopped long ago when he said that Obamacare was worse than slavery. That was the ultimate record scratch moment.

    • It’s up there with the time Sowell called Obama Hitler.

    • Exactly! I can’t stomach watching the debates. I paid zero attention Mr. Gifted hand’s campaign.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Gotta shoot for the stars when letting those Middle America folks know you’re not the “average” black guy.

    • Chazz A

      The comment about him stabbing somebody in the belt buckle was bad enough. But when I heard his theory that Joseph built the ancient Pyramids to store grain, I had to let him go, no doubt!

      • Mary Burrell

        That was funny too but I thought it was a crazy thing to say just like that Popeyes chicken story he told. He’s a weirdo.

        • Chazz A

          I think he has forever tarnished his legacy with his buffoonery.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Him talking about beating his momma in head with a hammer for buying the wrong pants size and the whole “Popeye’s establishment” story are very weird. That man has had a series of mini-strokes.

        • Chazz A

          Exactly!

        • mchester

          You literally made me spit out my coffee!

    • Mary Burrell

      He makes bizarre statements especially about Obamacare being the worst thing since slavery he’s too strange.

  • He makes me hate him and Cuba Gooding Jr. all over again every time I see him.

    • Why Cuba?

      • He played Dr. Carson in the Gifted Hands movie.

      • Val

        Cuba played the part of Ben Carson in the film Gifted Hands.

    • Cuba Gooding Jr is wild man. He’s an insanely talented actor who somehow falls into doing absolutely dreadful E ranked work at times. It’s amazing. Like Nicholas Cage without the tax invasion.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Damn Malik.

        That’s a beautiful description.

        And thanks for reminding me how much I HATE Nicholas Cage.

      • Quirlygirly

        He gotta stop dranking and making bad life choices

      • Val

        Your girl was on Tavis Smiley last night.

        • Which one?

          • Val

            Lianne

            • She’s in timeout right now after her absurd BRIT Awards Twitter fiasco.

      • Val

        Like that film where he played a guy pretending to be gay on a gay cruise.

        • Jay Howard Gatsby

          I let Cuba prosper for that because that’s how I became acquainted with Roselyn Sanchez though. Yes, Lord. Thirst responsibly.

      • NoGames

        I agree… He really can act… see “Men of Honor”… But he always gets caught up in some B movie foolishness!

      • Brandon Allen

        He’s totally miscast in The People vs. OJ Simpson but Ross and Robert Travolta are killing it.

    • Val

      I’ve been giving Cuba the side-eye since he gave his Academy Award to Jack Nicholson.

      • porqpai

        I have found his role choices questionable, but I get closet Scientologist vibes from his interviews. DO NOT WANT

      • He did that? For why because?

        • Lea Thrace

          QTNA!

        • Val

          Oh my, sorry, Pinks, I was thinking of Ving Rhames. He gave his Golden Globe Award to Jack Lemmon.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk3EgDPZD0w

          • I mean, it’s his so I guess he has the right to do with it as he pleases. Still perplexing AF, doe

            • Val

              Very perplexing. He got a lot of heat for it too. Folks thought it was a coontastic moment. Not sure if I agree but I don’t really disagree either.

  • TheCollinB

    It’s worth mentioning that all Ben Carson was really doing was re-enacting certain parts of Paid in Full on his political run. Bruh was def on his “we gon’ get this money, b.” A large chunk of his team bounced after it was “discovered” they were funneling donations to their own organization on top of being paid staff. He was trying to tell us how thorough he was the whole time.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Yo…the Fab shade…son…..lemme ask you to quietly invest in one of these (although I agree, but….Brooklyn)

    http://i01.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/325/762/454/454762325_427.jpg

    Ehh…I give him props. He could have been the Black male version of Sarah Palin. He stopped short somewhere between her helicopter head shot of bear and her goofy daughter starring in Knocked Up 3.

    Besides…he gave the world this

    http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/160106075422-candy-carson-intv-newday-00014127-large-169.jpg

    You’ll never get anything close to Candy ever again. Appreciate her. Cherish her. Then wave good bye to America’s favorite auntie.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “America’s favorite auntie.”

      You’re soo wrong for that. Although, that gap in her teeth makes me feel like she would whip up some Jiffy cornbread and serve it with some fried fish if I came over for Sunday dinner.

      • Quirlygirly

        BOL!! The gap in her teeth is giving you all that info. LOL

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I’m just aying…if I blind-folded you, and then put you in the middle of her living room….TELL ME you wouldn’t get the auntie vibe from her.

    • Candy is going to spend the rest of her days watching over her beloved Ben and crushing Xannies up in his apple sauce. (swallowing pills takes to much energy for Ben)

      • LyricMeThis

        This is so sad and yet so true LOL!!

  • brothaskeeper

    He makes me sleepy without even speaking.

  • DBoySlim

    You misspelled Fabolous.

    • or did Fabolous misspell fabulous?

      • DBoySlim

        Checkmate.

        • I see it happening like this:

          Fab: I want to call myself ‘Fabulous’.
          Fab’s Friend: That sounds a little gay my ni gga…
          *Fab stares in to space*
          Fab: What If I misspelled it?
          Fabs Friend: GENIUS!!!!

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