An Investigation On Why Good Sex Sometimes Sounds Exactly Like Mac And Cheese Being Stirred » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

An Investigation On Why Good Sex Sometimes Sounds Exactly Like Mac And Cheese Being Stirred

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It is an indisputable fact that sex, when its good, often sounds eerily similar to a serving spoon stirring a pot of macaroni and cheese.

This is something I first noticed over a decade ago while running an afterschool program and taking a trip to the kitchen where the daily meal was prepared. And seeing it was mac and cheese. And then noticing that the sound of it being mixed was very familiar but not placing that sound immediately. But then placing that sound and then literally saying “holy shit!” And then having one of the counselors working with me ask “what happened?” And then me telling her. And then her saying “holy shit, you’re right!” And then us recognizing the inappropriateness of having a somewhat sexually explicit conversation in the kitchen of an afterschool program. And then us going back to the common room with the kids. And two bowls of mac and cheese.

For years, I assumed I was the only special snowflake who noticed that connection, but a quick google shows that others have as well. (Although, to my credit, a VSB piece I mentioned it in predates the rest of the results. So maybe I started this. If true, it definitely needs to go on my Wiki page.)

Anyway, let’s forget about the what for a moment and focus on the why. Why does our favorite activity sound so much like the creation of one of our favorite foods? Also, am I the only one who thinks this is weird as fuck? Imagine if sex sounded like, I don’t know, a mailbox being opened or a tweet being sent. We’d think that was weird, right? So why don’t we think this is weird? #Thisisweird.

Fortunately I have a theory. Two actually.

1. Remember that scene in The Matrix when they were talking how the fact that so many things taste like chicken is a mistake the machines made when constructing the matrix?

Perhaps God made a similar error when putting things through the “this is what things are going to sound like” factory.

Maybe the sex sound test and the mac and cheese sound test were both scheduled for late on a Saturday, and since he was planning on talking Sunday off, maybe he was doing what the rest of us do when your work day is almost over and you have the next day off. Watching twerk videos on YouTube. Basically, awesome sex and the awesomest combination of cheese and a starch sound the exact same because God was distracted.

2. Sex sounds like mac and cheese…and a lot of other things. 

You know what also kinda, sorta sounds like sex? When the walkers on The Walking Dead are disemboweled. And when dressing is being stuffed into a raw turkey. And the noise horse’s mouths make when they’re just standing there, slobbering. And when assholes chew gum. Of course, none of these things are as fun and appealing as the sound of mac and cheese. So we don’t associate them with the sex sound, because ewww.

Hopefully these theories provide some insight about this phenomenon. And if they didn’t, if this is the first time you’ve ever even heard of the sex/mac and cheese connection, you’re welcome.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Other_guy13

    Thank you for flying Air VSB. Please fasten your seatbelts and return your seats in it’s upright position. This is about to be bumpy ride…

  • Junegirl627

    Where is your chill Damon?!!!
    Like Double Gawd Damm I had to say this before I read the article.

    • Other_guy13

      I dropped my phone and walked away from the table when I read it…passed it to the lady friend and she was like “I hate that sound…but he right tho..sounds like you be mixing something or making pasta back there”…I never laughed so hard in public.

      • Junegirl627

        Yasssss! I did the same thing my spirit did a lil dance after I read the title

    • Creole Reasoning

      Chill is incredibly overrated.

    • AnswerMe

      And so early in the morning.

      • Junegirl627

        This originally posted at 8pm last night then got pulled then put back up.

    • Jasmin

      Chill does not exist! i died laughing at my desk as my Boss walked by (IDGF)

  • Kas

    Consider me officially tapped out.

    • Junegirl627

      The article has been pulled

      • Kas

        But not before you wrote some stuff I can’t unsee.

        • Junegirl627

          Here was my reply

          Sweet Baby Yeezus I just watched a stirring Mac n cheese video and got really in my feelings. I told the significant other that I’ve been Fukcing wrong.

          I said “Babe, I think my vagin@ is a lame” because I never heard that. So I played the video and he said that I’m too busy moaning that’s why I don’t hear it.

          So good news is my vagin@ isn’t lame…. Bad news is I can’t make Mac and Cheese for a while.

          https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9zxbtAcKPIE

          • Kas

            I know what you wrote. Hence, my comment I can’t unsee what you wrote. Thanks for repeating, NOT.

            • Junegirl627

              Sorry

              • brothaskeeper

                Girl, don’t be sorry….don’t be sorry at all…

              • Kas

                Why they deleting your posts?

                • Junegirl627

                  I deleted them. It was me wondering why the post was pulled.

        • Junegirl627

          My bad I thought you said you couldn’t see my comment lmaoooooo

          My bad

  • Junegirl627

    Sweet Baby Yeezus I just watched a stirring Mac n cheese video and got really in my feelings. I told the significant other that I’ve been Fukcing wrong.

    I said “Babe, I think my vagin@ is a lame” because I never heard that. So I played the video and he said that I’m too busy moaning that’s why I don’t hear it.

    So good news is my vagin@ isn’t lame…. Bad news is I can’t make Mac and Cheese for a while.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9zxbtAcKPIE

    • Other_guy13

      cant….stop…laughing…..lol

      • Junegirl627

        The article has been taken down? What happened?

        • Other_guy13

          Right….its not fair….I had so many things to say

        • Other_guy13

          They not letting us be great….tryna stop some VSB/VSS hookups I suppose….haters…smh

    • Antoinette McDonald

      “my room mate Lori Is getting paid on the internet 98$/hr”…..!ce51etwo days ago grey MacLaren P1 I bought after earning 18,512 DoIIars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k DoIIars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over. hourly 87 DoIIars…Learn. More right Here !ce51e:?:?:???? http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsIndependentGetPayHourly$98…. .??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??:??::::::!ce51e….,…

    • brothaskeeper
      • Junegirl627

        You are so wrong for this lol.

    • DBoySlim

      I’m done.

      • Junegirl627

        no! don’t be!

    • miss t-lee

      The fact that there’s a video for this…lol I can only think what kinda of things are being done while someone is watching this video.

      • IsitFridayyet?

        Especially since it was requested.

        • miss t-lee

          LMFAO
          I mean, whatever floats your boat, mayne.

      • Jennifer

        Those ASMR videos are lit…or so I’ve heard. :-/

        • miss t-lee

          Oh? i’ll have to investigate.

        • Lily

          they are! i listen to whisper/gum chewing to relax/fall asleep. my entire life, certain sounds have soothed me to sleep (rain,soft speaking etc.) then this year i found out there’s a name for it and an entire YT community who mke these videos. i was pleased to my very toes to not be strange after all. this mac and cheese sound however, is NOT soothing. but it does sound like chex.

    • kingpinenut

      audio made my mouth water……

      now i know where Prince got some of his background sounds

      f u k

  • Skegeeaces

    Okay, question:

    Homemade, Kraft, or Velveeta Shells and Cheese and DO THEY MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS?!

    • Junegirl627

      We’ll never know since the article got pulled lol

      • Skegeeaces

        Dang! Wonder why.

      • Kas

        Back up

    • brothaskeeper

      Sounds like homemade = a keeper/wife material, monogamous, a selfless giver of……..pleasure.

      Sounds like Kraft = not bougie, per se, but self-centered, takes an inordinate amount of time to, um, arrive; kicks you out as soon as she gets hers or falls asleep immediately thereafter.

      Sounds like Velveeta shells and cheese = succinct, brief, has multiple kids (from 5 to 16), you have to wait until ALL the kids go to sleep to get it in, but the 5 y.o. stays up past 12 am, and he’s wiiiiiiiiuuude awake, but you have to be up in 5 hours.

    • miss t-lee

      Homemade is all you need to concern yourself with.

  • “Imagine if chex sounded like, I don’t know, a mailbox being opened…”
    Just got sent home for being on this site for 12 hours total this week and laughing uncontrollable at my desk… because. of. this. line. Damb u, Damon….. Damb u….

    • brothaskeeper

      It was worth it. *snicker*

    • Just heard that metal on metal sound in my head.
      No bueno.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    I wonder if the RiRi song Chex with me was the inspiration for dusting this post off and reposting???? I’m interested to see what the FB posters have to say. At a minimum, Champ won’t be called a r a c i s t today.

    • pls

      You know I got the sauce! You know I’m saucy.

    • TheCollinB

      Ay! Me and Stunna (my wife) caught her show at The Forum last week. Shawty raw!!! I would easily pay for that show again. Depending on what Bey does at this concert on Saturday Rhianna might take the crown in my book.

      • RhetoricalReverie

        I refuse to believe this. I saw SO MANY dull instagram clips from her concert. Sub-par dancing. Average vocals. She looked great though.

        • TheCollinB

          Nah man, I guess maybe experiencing it live was the difference but on stage she’s all sauce.

    • This routinely comes on the Pandora radio at work and I just be in here like whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy y’all playing with my fallopian tubes?!!

  • cakes_and_pies

    Your choices in food pictures are questionable.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      How about a picture of a cake and some pie then???? We like cakes and who doesn’t love to eat pie???

      • I see I’m not the only one thinking of Rihanna hits this morning. I had to stop my daughter from listening to that song when it came out. LOL

      • Other_guy13
      • cakes_and_pies

        Mess around with me and you’ll catch Tha Sugah.

        • Other_guy13

          lord what is happening in this comments section

          • cakes_and_pies

            Everything. Everything is happening.

            • Other_guy13

              all at once…its the potato salad argument allover again…I cant

            • Quirlygirly

              And I am here for it..All of it!!

          • brothaskeeper

            Magic.

          • Kas

            Black Jeezus has left the building and y’all are running amuck.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          “Mess around with me and you’ll catch Tha Sugah.”

          *Grabs, napkin, fork, spoon, insulin pen, and puts on Sweet Tooth*

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBQWCjvLc0Q

          • cakes_and_pies

            Giggity

            • Lea Thrace

              this gif is kinda everything. talk about shooting a shot.

            • miss t-lee

              The gif is golden.

              • cakes_and_pies

                I love this gif

                • miss t-lee

                  Hellz yeah. I may or may not have saved it.

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    I have a feeling this gif will become the ladies shot shooting meme.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              *Looks at @cakes_and_pies:disqusat, looks at jersey in the rafters, looks at non existing hall pass and non existing prenup, looks at @cakes_and_pies:disqus, keeps jersey in the rafters*

              Well played @cakes_and_pies:disqus

      • Julian Green
        • brothaskeeper

          My man. I fuxx with Turquoise Jeep!

    • Buster Cannon

      Looks WAY better than that abomination of a potato salad we saw last week…

    • miss t-lee

      Very.

  • Does anybody else’s love life sound like tenderizing meat? lol

    • Brass Tacks

      Get Down Gurl… Go Head Get Down!

      • LadyIbaka

        I thought you are practicing virginity!

        • Brass Tacks

          I am…trying

          • LadyIbaka

            We can practice together, no?

    • miss t-lee

      Just gonna leave this right here.

  • Brass Tacks

    I’m saving my self for marriage so I wouldn’t know… But if I had to guess, I think it sounds like wet clay on a pottery wheel.

    • Lol okay, Brass. Okay.

      • Brass Tacks

        *crosses fingers behind back*

        But im being so serious right now, Sawyer!

        • Lol You ain’t gotta convince me. ‘Cause I know better.

          • Brass Tacks

            Im a changed man, Sawyer.

            I let go of my dependence on Heavens nectar.

            • TheCollinB

              “I’ma changed man”

              Look at the Range man, I got a whole new game plan.

              Dipset time, where Shammgod at?

              • HeyBooHey

                Looked and said “that’s nothing but game Cam” *smirk/nigro please emoji*

                • You are my people.

    • Quirlygirly

      Brass..wasn’t you just talking about plumbing (read laying pipe) and delivering pizza (read D) the other week?

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Yup

      • Brass Tacks

        ..

      • LadyIbaka

        Hol up wait a minute! Why is YOU monitoring his dyck activity?!? Is there something you want to confess? I thought we was friends

        • Quirlygirly

          Girl we are friends! ..I was just checking cause ummm..Shoot..brain don’t fail me now..cause he *dabs out of thread

    • LadyIbaka

      I ?? that. Your name is written in the Book of Life. We going to heaven me and you!

      • Brass Tacks

        • LadyIbaka

          Why r you dotting me?!

          • Brass Tacks

            You dont see my gif attachment?

            • LadyIbaka

              I just seen it, hence the change of comment. At first, I was liiiiiiike, this dude tryna play me?!!

          • Brass Tacks

            Oh..Uh…um…

            *clears throat*

            So did you read that one article Damon put up Sunday? That lady was a trip I tell ya.

            • LadyIbaka

              Watchutalkin bout?!?!? You having side relations?

              • Brass Tacks

                Nah… I was just speaking on the nerve of people.

                Soo…er.. Do you eat potato Salad?

                • LadyIbaka

                  No.

    • Tambra

      Thou shalt not lie!

    • SororSalsa

      Dead.

      The sad part is….I’m going to be listening for all these sounds and won’t be focused on the…ahem…task at hand. I will ever see Kraft Mac & Cheese in the store and not think of this. SMH.

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