An Investigation: Are Donald Trump And Al Sharpton Really The Exact Same Person? » VSB

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An Investigation: Are Donald Trump And Al Sharpton Really The Exact Same Person?

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After hundreds of interviews, thousands of hours of exhaustive research and an illegal DNA test performed by genetic scientists at the laboratories abandoned by The Ricki Lake show in the late 90s, I’ve concluded that there is a significant statistical probability that:

Donald Trump is probably Al Sharpton.

The origin of this investigation began in one of the most fertile grounds for spreading political ideology and theory into the African American zeitgeist: Cut Creatorz Barbershop in the Century Plaza Shopping Center. No matter where you live, its only two blocks from you, nestled between Tiger Dragon Chinese restaurant and Money2Go Check Cashing Service. While this would seem like a dubious place from which to trace history-changing information, thousands of hours of research revealed the gossip to be strongly rooted in fact. Plus, the tenets of journalism and the principles of Black wisdom dictate that one never argues with the brother giving you a tight fade.

I now present the evidence for you to judge for yourself:

The Hair: The scientific community at large generally agrees that the hardest thing to replicate in opposite-race clones is simulating natural hair. There was a saying en vogue during the 1960s that has since disappeared: Cant no nigga with no perm tell me nothing!For years, Sharpton has said his hairstyle is a tribute to the late James Brown — who he says raised him. While it has been the source of much of his deriding and side-eye, it is also the lynchpin of this theory.

My team of interns (which was really just me in a bear suit) poked through Sharptons garbage for over three months without finding a jar of SportinWaves hair grease, a box of relaxer or even a do-rag. How does his hair stay so straight, you ask?

I dont know.

What I do know is that it more than likely the same secret technology used in Donald Trumps combover patterns. Some scientists speculate that both hairdos exhibit the same hypnotizing qualities of movement that cobras use to render their victims inanimate before filling them with their deadly poison.

The Voices: Ask yourself this:

Have you ever heard Al Sharpton whisper? When was the last time you heard Donald Trump use his inside voice?  

I ran recordings of The Donald”  speeches and Reverend Als alliteration-heavy public statements through a voice spectrum analyzer and the results were fascinating. Both use a combination of hyperbole and volume to emphasize statements that would otherwise fit into the category scientifically termed as bullshit. Sharpton would argue his voice is typical of a Black preacher – which brings up another one of my findings: Although he calls himself reverend” I could not find a degree of divinity in his name, or a single person in the United States who said they attend his church.

The N-Word: When David Dinkinsstint as New York mayor was the pinnacle of Black success in the political arena, The Master Race-Baiter Sharpton called him a nigger.

To be fair, Trump has never called anyone that word. Well, at least not publicly. But you can be sure, hes going to call Obama one.

Soon.

Then hell be forced to apologize

To Al Sharpton.

But it will be over the phone, becausewellyou know.

Mafia ties: There is an unspoken, but widely circulated rumor that Donald Trump’s construction empire was buttressed by his ties with organized crime in the 1980’s. Similarly forgotten, HBO’s Real Sports aired an undercover video of Reverend Al negotiating a cocaine deal with FBI agents posing as mafia henchmen in 1983. Many people have pointed at this video as evidence why Sharpton cant be trusted. Not because, like Trump, he was willing to get in bed with the Mafia or distribute cocaine in his own community, but because he is wearing a cowboy hat. Anyone who has a perfunctory knowledge of African American history knows that there are two people you can never trust:

Any Black man with no facial hair…

…and…

…A nigga in a cowboy hat.

They ran identical Presidential campaigns: Lets be clear. Donald Trump has the same chance of winning a Presidential election as Raven Symone has of winning an episode of Jeopardy. Or Wheel of Fortune. Or the Soul Train Scramble boardif the answer was Raven Symone.

Trump and Sharpton are both trolls used by the illuminati, the Bush political machine or the international hairbrush lobby to gin up the batshit, anti-negro vote. Regardless of party affiliation, the mere sight of these bobble-headed blowhards have been shown by Gallup polls to immediately remind rednecks to take a break from stacking shotguns in their doomsday bunkers and go register to vote.

Although they seem like polar opposites, they accomplish the same goal: Stay in the early primaries and scare some of the reasonable, White people into voting for that Bush guy.

They both have time machines: Here is where my research uncovered stunning information:

Many media-watchers have wondered where Donald Trump finds his beautiful wives. They are supposed supermodels,but our research has yet to uncover a magazine with Marla, Ivana or Melania on the cover. We looked everywhere, from Vogue Magazine microfiche to discontinued J.C. Penny catalogues. Nothing. Some physicists have hypothesized that the only explanation is that Trump has access to a time machine which allows him to go back in time, kidnap unsuspecting Czechoslovakian teens and raise them in an oxygen-rich environment in an underground lair hidden beneath the Trump Towers until they are marrying age.

Others have posited the same theory as an explanation to how Sharptons ability to appear at the side of any wronged Black person with more than three news cameras pointed in their direction seems to defy the space/time continuum. This also explains the cache of people who have been victimized and placed calls to Al Sharpton, only to have him disappearwhen there wasnt sufficient media coverage — even if they had actually been discriminated against. Advanced level microeconomics show that race hustling can be honed to a very profitable enterprise when aided by the ability to teleport.

Other points of similarity uncovered during this investigation include:

1. A water displacement test revealed their sagging face jowls have identical volume.

2. 84.029% of the garments in the Trump fashion line are made from the material of Al Sharptons old velour track suits.

3. 3-D rendering of the baboon-like white tan circles around Donald Trumps eyes show they are the same shape as Al Sharptons bifocals.

Although they worked simultaneously at NBC headquarters, they have never been seen in the same room.

So what have we learned?

This may be the Watergate of the 21st century. Im sure the mainstream media will dismiss this article as just another wacko conspiracy theory from the left, but when Trump lets the n-word fly or when you find out whos actually doing the raping, remember — I called it, because I see through the lies and obfuscation to present the unadulterated facts.

Michael Harriot

Michael Harriot is a podcaster, spoken word poet, editor of the daily digital magazine NegusWhoRead.com and one of the greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich makers of our time.

  • Jennifer

    Let me poke a hole in your air-tight theory. Do you really think a brother like Al Shaprton would be doing his own touch-ups? What your “intern” should have done is followed him around for 6 weeks (no way Rev. Al would let that much time pass without getting them roots relaxed) to discover his hair secrets. Inevitably, he would have come out of somebody’s basement apartment/home salon in his new ‘do.

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  • Courtney Wheeler

    I’ve seen Rev Al a dozen of times at work events. Since he lost all that weight he kinda looks like a prune in a suit. But man…that dude can dance.

    • AlwaysCC

      he was “raised by james brown.” i would expect nothing less lol

      • QuirlyGirly

        Can you imagine James Brown showing young Al how to get on the good foot! LOL!

        • Jennifer

          *imagining big Al with James Brown back in the 70s* Thanks for that visual, Girly. Gonna sustain on those chuckles for days.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    They can’t be one in the same; Trump would me selling the weight loss formula Sharpton used as Trump off.

  • NapkinsAndCommas

    Obama doesn’t have any facial hair :/

    • lol That’s because *they* won’t let him. They already think he’s Muslim. Can you imagine him rocking a Philly beard, too?

      • I get the feeling that Obama would have one of those struggle beards though. LOL

        • Stop the struggle beard shade. You don’t know what it’s like. That one in my AVI is all pencil.

        • Ha! The kind where the hair doesn’t connect? Awww.

          • Epsilonicus

            Look!! Not all of us can blossom with the beard game!!

            • LOL. Do you, man. Make it flourish how it do!

  • I would love to see these two in a fist fight. It and would probably look like a Jerry Springer hair pulling match.

  • This article is funny as h3ll. However, I do have some strange but true facts about Donald Trump and AL Sharpton.

    For one, at one point in his life, AL Sharpton lived a 10 minute drive from both Donald Trump AND James Brown. I wonder if they actually crossed paths.

    While Donald Trump makes his biggest chunk of money off of golf (seriously, look up his disclosure statements), he built his empire off of middle class apartment developments which are very heavily Black. There’s a population of people in New York City that donated to Obama but pays their rent to Trump.

    Al Sharpton might oversell his relationship with James Brown, but it isn’t completely BS. During the 60s and 70s,James Brown lived in Queens, and one of his kids just happened to be cool with Sharpton. When the kid died in a car accident, and found out Sharpton’s family had hit hard times, he tossed him a lifeline by hiring him as a roadie.

    I will say there’s a difference between Sharpton and Trump though. Say what you will about Trump, but he’s a master of marketing. He’s the only person running for national office who got what Chris Rock said from jump: most of America is broke a$$ White people. Even with the browning of America, broke a$$ White people are still going to be the single largest group. Appeal to them, and you’re going to make money. Trump is the first politician to be open about it. Sharpton’s entire base consists of older Black people who wanna find a way to stick it to White folk without being openly militant it has its uses, but is fundamentally self limiting. The funny part is that Sharpton isn’t in on his own joke.

    • I wish Al Sharpton would stop trying to be media friendly and just be everybody’s favorite uncle and just bash everybody. That’s the Black leader I want, a drunk from the local barber shop that just plain ran out of fcuks to give.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Nah homie. Al has a platform and you must nurture it in order for folks to take action if you need them to. In addition, those cable checks are helping to pay off the IRS.

        • That’s the disappointing thing. You know he gotta get his hustle on so you can’t knock him. Still I wish he would do better.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            He had his chance, and he ruined it a long time ago. So he better keep playing good little Safe Angry Sambo and avoid the jail time he should have been had.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              Hold up brohem. I don’t know about you but if I was cutting a deal with the Feds, I would be sure to have my tax problems disappear.

              I hate that Ms Brawley put that stain on his record; otherwise I like how he makes plain the money trail and the issue at hand.

              • Jennifer

                Brawley or not, he’s getting White House invitations, MSNBC shows and cameos on Empire. He’s doing alright.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                It might be me as a New Yorker, but I guess my personal distain for Sharpton comes from the idea that he seems like an ambulance chaser to me. Always ready to jump on any topic about race, giving these white folks ammunition to paint him as “the crazy guy speaking for all Black people” and assuming he’s always in the authoritative position to preach what stance Black folks need to have for their protection.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  I feel you on that. My question has always been, if not Al then who? I didn’t see too many folks jumping up and down trying to bring light to issues in NYC.

                  Al was in Albany so much I got tired of seeing him myself. I’m happy that the next generation of leaders are beginning to get access to sustainable platforms.

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    I can’t deny he picked up the ball when nobody else did, but sometimes that makes it worse, because there’s no measuring stick.

                    I do hope people in our generation, shoot…even some of us here, learn how to get it together so we can stop letting shifty n i g g a s in 3-piece suits define us in front of THEM.

        • The National Action Network used the same accountants Redd Foxx used, and to the same effect. Like how do have NO records of what you spend money on?

          • Sigma_Since 93

            Fiscal accountability seems to be the one Achilles heel these groups have; either your dealing with unqualified individuals (looks at Wesley Snipes) or unscrupulous folks (Bernie Madoff)

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              What is it about the American tax system that makes anyone or any corporation making over $500K want to look in a totally different direction?

              • Sigma_Since 93

                preservation of assets! why else would companies not want to be considered to be persons???

              • The problem is that the corporate tax system has a bizarre set of loopholes. The government would come out ahead if we got rid of them and cut taxes. The problem is that they’re such nickel dime loopholes that the people benefitting will fight to the death while no one has the motive of actively fight each one. The stakes are too small on each individual loophole but are huge overall.

                • i feel like they shouldn’t be able to get all these tax loopholes AND keep money AND jobs overseas.

                  • That’s what happens when you buy congress.

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  Aint nothing more important than the moo-lah.

                  I get that part. What I don’t get is how much longer the system can sustain itself. The holes it has in its foundation…I don’t care about the system crumbling under itself because things keep changing over time. I have a problem with the lack of long-term repercussions…like the ones that gave us the craziest recession in modern era.

              • a 35 percent tax rate

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  i think I’ll invest in my own Cayman Islands bank account even though it will only have $2 in it

      • jbjbjbj

        I’m trying hard to be that mufuggan uncle…had two tecate’s and 1.5 wood tip black and mild casinos this morning. I routinely go THE fcuk off on folks for bullshat. How can I get out there and lead if verysmartbrothas keeps deleting my comments? I know this website is the land of the bougie…so…my platform won’t be supported here. I’m educated too (yet texas country and moved to ATL hood)…thought that was my ticket in. Nope. The moderators practice discrimination and I’m reporting yall’s azzes to Rev Al if you keep it up. Fukkas

        Folks get a few checks and get all proper with a few cusswords and think they’re hot. Y’all are…keep up the good work…but let me talk shat freely. Fukkas

        • Everybody wants to be that uncle. And trust me, we all ain’t that bourgie.

          • jbjbjbj

            I know (don’t pay me any mind-trying to get my comedic (word?) timing down for free)…I was you all once upon a time and would not trade it for the world. Just ran out of fcuks to give and threw my degrees away. You’ll get there daniel son. It is awesome. Godspeed

            • I’m headed that direction in a speedboat; drinking hennesey and smoking a black.

        • Jennifer

          Texas country! Hey boo, hey!

          • jbjbjbj

            What you know bout them trail rides? What you know bout them sunday afternoon horse races in somebody’s pasture and your car getting torn up trying to get through the gate after rubbing the cattle guard and falling off in holes that somebody’s bad azz dog has dug??

            • Jennifer

              Oooh! You too country for me. I just remember the trail riders I used to see riding through Fifth Ward and Kashmere Gardens in Houston. In hindsight, why were there black cowboys riding through Fifth Ward and Kashmere Gardens on their horses on a Sunday?

              • jbjbjbj

                Seeing folks ride their horses in Houston made me feel comfortable while in college. I see you North side. Third ward was just as beautiful. I just wasn’t into the rocky mountain jeans, boots, hat and cowboy cape jacket. But yeah…that’s my problem identifying with the bougie…just barely too far country gone and I don’t want to be any other way. I brought some dear meat back with me from home and my neighbors took it ALL. If I was to smother up some squirrel and say it’s chicken these folks would lynch me.

                https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZZv4O-Pi34

                Put that in your browser and listen. Might bring back some memories and help you understand why folks ride down the middle of the street on that tennessee walker stepping side ways while shaking his head.

                Zydeco

                • Jennifer

                  Third Ward — TSU or UH?

        • Boo, that’s Disqus not allowing any of us of the explicit language variety be great. You can say “fuck,” though. All the other curse words I just space out between each letter.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Two men with hair that pretty much is identical to the chemical compounds of dirty condoms have officially been a part of all of our lives for the last 30 years.

    Do you people understand how disgusting that makes this country look?

    • When will both of them die?? Do heart attacks and aneurisms not happen to wealthy people??

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Moderation. Mr Gregory is a real person Disqus!!!!!

        • Call him Richard Gregory from now on.

        • Well “prominent figures” then. The worst public figures seem to live forever.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Sincerely….look at the Supreme Court Justices. Clarence Thomas should have been hit by a mac truck already

            • It really annoys me that none of these people ever die until like 100

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Which then makes me question the point of life when people who can make random decisions that can destroy the fabric of every day life for others can just….live without a care in the world. It is insulting to say the least.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        They do but for some reason, they always have docs on call to save their nasty a$$es

    • That’s the thing about Americans. We never look in the mirror.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        No we don’t but we swear we the best, hence why this is the only place DJ Khaled could have been made.

  • jbjbjbj

    Suupermaaannnnnn….flying high…up in the sky…because we believe he can. So what we choose to believe can always work out fine…it’s all in the mind.

    Make me a believer…that’s how both these dudes win. Luther tried to tell us.

    I am your drunk uncle and today I announce my presidential bid for 2019. Let’s take Africa back and import it to the US. Thanks for the suggestion in the comments.

  • Beauty In Truth

    I actually like Trump. He makes a lot of sense on many issues. Sharpton just knows how to maneuver the system to bring attention to our issues. Yelling and wailing seems to work quite well for him.

  • Julian Green

    Really? You wouldn’t trust these upstanding gentlemen?

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