We Didn’t Deserve Michelle Obama: A Post-Apocalyptic Tale Of Immortan Trump And American Stupidity » VSB

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We Didn’t Deserve Michelle Obama: A Post-Apocalyptic Tale Of Immortan Trump And American Stupidity

220 years from now, when Earth finally starts to recover from the post-apocalyptic hellscape of the 22nd century, the planet’s remaining survivors will begin emerge from their nested catacombs near the Earth’s core. They will be a stark and severe people; the unrelenting sobriety of their collective countenances will both mimic the land and be a necessary evolution to survive in it. But while it would be natural to assume that this rustic skinned and austere population, inexorably connected by cataclysm and loss and dust and consumption of roach meat, would be devoid of optimism and hope — after all, the world really, really fucking sucks — that assumption would be false. They are still humans. They still dream. They still believe.

So they elect their smartest and brightest to form missions to gather whichever historical and anthropological data remains — photographs, microfiche, mp4s, Vine twerk compilations, and a somehow-still-alive-Willow Smith (found living in a three story loft in Detroit, Michigan, inexplicably both unaffected by the apocalypse and unaware it even happened) — to meld together some sort of narrative, some sort of history; a truth-seeking quest with two purposes. To determine what the hell happened and make sure to prevent it from ever happening again.

Of course, they’re acutely aware of the decades-long reign of Immortan Trump; his smirking visage — bleached, reptilian, and grotesque — is etched in each of the world’s remaining mountains, all accompanied by a now-indecipherable quote about negging or something. They know about the series of wars he lorded over, eventually culminating in the great big-ass war (aptly called The Great Big Ass War) that almost drove the human race to extinction. And how he transformed this great and powerful nation that was once called America — a virtual utopia with acres upon acres of bountiful fields, hundreds of millions of intermingling and symbiotic peoples, and gender-neutral bathrooms with triple ply toilet paper — into the dystopian and frightening United States of HUUUUUGE. They’re vaguely aware of how he rewrote the laws to allow him to rule until death. And a Purge-style holiday where each USofH citizen was required to murder a Mexican, and, ironically, eat at Chipotle. But how did such a man come to power? What happened that led to The Immortan’s first election, when he was still just named Donald?

After years of digging, arguing, debating, and (more) death, one of the groups finds answers. Well, a source with answers, rather. Footage of the 2016 political conventions — found in perfect condition in Smith’s pristine underground archives. They watch in awestruck horror as one of America’s political parties selects this man to lead it. “He says it in plain sight!” they say amongst themselves. “He literally campaigned on making Mexicans and Muslims illegal. Did they think he was bullshitting? Or did they want him to do it?

This made them even more anxious to view the Democratic National Convention, as they were beyond curious of how incompetent the opposing party must have been to allow this to happen. They watch, increasingly frustrated and exasperated, and scream at the screen.

You silly motherfuckers! Why the fuck are you booing? TPP? What the fuck is a TPP? Why are you protesting? Why can’t you fucking mobilize? Don’t you see what’s happening and what will happen! The world’s blood is on your hands!

Ultimately, they came to the conclusion that this America was doomed by arrogance and stupidity. That they (well, we) deserved what the Immortan would do to us, to our country. We were too dumb to survive.

This conclusion, however, was interrupted by a speech delivered during the convention’s first night. They watched this woman — stately and statuesque; brown and beautiful; wise and witty; poised and perfect — articulate a vision of this America that connected, inspired, and galvanized. They listened to her extol the virtues of family and community. And how her wish to leave a better world for her children directed and dictated her life’s work. They watched her dismiss hateful rhetoric from prominent political figures; acknowledging its existence but choosing not to engage it. Choosing instead to be fueled by it. To be better than it. To rise above it. They fell in love with this woman who knew that this election was less about politics and policy and more about whether America was willing to elect a bedlamite.

And then, when she expressed the risk of electing such a foolish and reckless man to a position where he’d have the nuclear codes at his fingertips, they wailed. Knowing, bitter, and ironic tears. Tears that burned, literally, because the fallout from the century-long nuclear winter replaced the lipocalin in human tears with hydrochloric acid.

And then, right when the tears began to dry, she dropped the hammer. She referenced the cultural and historical resonance of living in a house built by her enslaved ancestors; a deft and genius and honest move that articulated the hope and promise of America better than anyone else could. In a way that only she could. The group got chills.

And then they knew, as many of us know now in 2016, that a country that would dare place such a conspicuously narcissistic megalomaniac so close to power — and do so because of apathy and petty agendas and nationalistic fear — did not deserve to have this woman serve as its First Lady.

If only” the group’s leader, a woman named “Atonement” opined, “they all realized they weren’t worthy of her, they might have attempted to be worthy of her, to make themselves better people.”

But they didn’t” Atonement’s partner, a man named “Eighteen and a Half” replied. “And now the world fucking blows.”

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I will block the daylights out of you on facebook if you DARE try to low-key shade Michelle Obama

  • refslady

    Powerful stuff.

  • ALM247

    I agree. I am glad that President Obama’s term is almost complete, if for no other reason than Mrs. Obama can go on with her life. She left a six-figure job making over $200k a year. Even though she has Ivy League degrees, she probably fought hard to get that job. She had to give that job up.

    Sure, she made history….sure she was able to wear designer gowns and look flawless at every turn, but do you think she did all of that late night studying and proving herself over and over again just to jump rope for the last 8 years?

    I await President Obama’s (and especially Mrs. Obama’s) next chapter.

    • grownandsexy2

      I think about that a lot. How does a Princeton and Harvard degreed Ivy leaguer, making well into the six figures, having been quite accomplished before she joined the Univ. of Chicago, as an attorney and Asst. Commissioner of Planning in Chicago’s City Hall go from that to jumping rope and “Let’s Move.” I dare say that’s not important, but given her considerable gifts, I would think she would miss the intellectual stimulation those positions provided.

      • ALM247

        She is so classy. She never complained once. Someone with type of background is definitely used to certain level of mental stimulation, and I hope she gets right back to that after they depart the White House.

        • mr. steal your costco samples

          She’s a saint for this for real. I’d be coming home every night like “yeah, we talked about the rutabagas again. totally majored in legumes in LAW SCHOOL SO IT’S FKN GREAT”

        • grownandsexy2

          I think she will get back to that life. Maybe the fact that POTUS is intellectually gifted also and she at least has someone on her level, helps to buffer the stimulation she doesn’t receive from jumping rope and “Let’s Move.” I can only hope so.

          • L8Comer

            anything legal she woulda done would’ve been so politicized, she prolly decided it wasn’t worth it. Better to invest the time in keeping your children and husband normal and grounded? We know she doesn’t like politics so It’s no wonder she wasn’t lobbying or politically involved. And can u imagine her showing up at a law firm or client meetings with secret service? Woulda been a hassle to say the least. I woulda tried my hand at writing a book maybe.. But I’m sure she had her hands full.

        • geniuschef

          For sure! But don’t think for one second she was just ” jumping rope” while in the white house. I’m sure as Barrack was toiling over Obamacare, she was right there ,his right hand,every night. She had plenty mental stimulation! That’s also what’s so awesome about the press’ racism. Because she is a Black female, she never got the harassment that Hillary got throughout Bill’s presidency about being too “involved” in policy decision( the last example of a professional women holding it down as the breadwinner BEFORE her husband becoming the president). Don’t anyone get it twisted, THIS presidency was a partnership. When we elected Obama, we got TWO of them.

      • thutch24

        their pillow talk involves the world’s secrets…..stimulating conversation might not be a problem! lol! IJS

      • MsSula

        She probably is a first advisor of the president.

        Her choice was not easy, but I can understand why she did it. I would have done the same.

    • A.G.

      Are you being literal when you said “jump rope,” or is there a deeper meaning?

      • ALM247

        You are insightful in your question….you can definitely take that both literally and figuratively.

        • A.G.

          Haha it’s been a long day. I might be overthinking.

    • Kelly Kell

      Word. Ex-Presidents do interesting impactful work and I’m looking forward to the whole family’s post term affairs.

    • lisamanv .

      All while being an incredible wife, mother, daughter and sister.

    • Mary Burrell

      Well said she and Oprah Winfrey and Condoleeza Rice even though I don’t care for her politics are great examples of accomplished black women.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    *Double thread

    Michelle is the flotus we needed but didn’t want to admit it, she will forever be GOAT. Your next first lady could never side eye on a constant basis like this:

    Chi town Clair Huxtable realness.

    • ALM247

      And their relationship is breathtaking….I remember when President Obama was first elected, and the media began to try to come for the First Lady. President Obama is notorious for being cool, calm, and collected, but he said, “lay off my wife” in a firm, level way.

      He let everyone know that he doesn’t play about Mrs. Obama, and that’s exactly the way a spouse should defend their partner.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Michelle is the flotus we needed but didn’t want to admit it, she will forever be GOAT. Your next first lady could never side eye on a constant basis like this:

    Chi town Claire Huxtable realness.

    • ALM247

      There have been a ton of foolish comments made by other people during their tenure in the White House….These folks have given Mrs. Obama plenty of opportunities to make this face.

      • Crystalrcote4

        <<hp.. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!il942r:….,……..

  • Other_guy13

    How y’all gone post this before I go to my car and get in traffic…RUDE

  • RewindingtonMaximus
    • ALM247

      I love it! Boehner finally figured it out….and left.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        And people thought he was clueless

        • Tambra

          He skipped out early enough to avoid the side show that happening now.

        • mr. steal your costco samples

          Boehner low key might have been smart. Handed the baton to Paul Ryan like YOU CAN DO IT HOMIE! RUN FOREST RUN!

    • Other_guy13

      I love when sig others show their true feeling while we have to smile and fake it #jealous

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        that’s why her shade is legendary, because she handled all the wetwork for him with her eyes.

    • The more I watch this the more I laugh. Michelle Obama is a national treasure.

      • Adriennejsmith

        <<hp.. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!il432r:….,….

    • Mary Burrell

      That is one of my favorite FLOTUS moments her side eye to Boehner

  • TeeChantel

    There is so much to say about Mrs. Michelle Obama. She is the epitome of class, beauty, intelligence and pure black excellence. I’m going to truly miss the Obamas in office. The world, not just our country, isn’t fully aware what a gift the Obamas were to all of us. OAN: Can folks stop wishing for Michelle to run for office? She just served 8 years with her husband. Give her a break.

    • ALM247

      She made it clear early on, and she keeps repeating that she has no desire to run….Even though she would be awesome!!!

      I have a feeling that she started a wish list of things that she wants to do….she will probably low key run out of there like Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music”.

  • Ess Tee

    Look. I could only hope to kill it this way in my workouts. Who was that one pudgy, pasty dude who said something about Michelle having a big butt (as though that were a bad thing!)?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFtkNok787s

    • TeeChantel

      If I could just jump rope like that…

      • Ess Tee

        Right! The moment I’d try, the rope would stop because I would’ve messed up.

    • ALM247

      He was just lusting.

    • Buster Cannon

      Her workout is so intense compared to Barack’s

      https://youtu.be/s38o_fE_7Qc

      • Ess Tee

        lol. All that yawning!

        • brothaskeeper

          Yawning is to expand the lungs and add air, resulting in a longer workout.

      • Tambra

        Definitely more intense that Melania’s.

        • Val

          Coincidentally, Melanie’s workout routine is very much like Michelle’s. Lol

          • ALM247

            Yes, it’s the same workout, minus any actual effort. LOL

            • Tambra

              Along with botox and surgeons

          • Tambra

            Well you gotta learn from the best.

          • Buster Cannon

            Wouldn’t be the first thing she’s ‘borrowed’ from Michelle

            *whistles*

      • brothaskeeper

        Barry looks like he does high reps-low weights and more cardio than Michelle, who does more explosive fast twitch workouts. He probably has more stamina than she, but she can definitely beat him into submission.

        • Buster Cannon

          Michelle has way more explosive power; Barack’s getting snapped like a twig lol

          • brothaskeeper

            ERR’night!

      • ElephantInTheRoom

        She is A.MA.ZING.

    • miss t-lee

      You know how some of them feel about having a big butt.

      • Ess Tee

        One of an infinite number of reasons why I’m grateful to be Black.

        • miss t-lee

          Hallelu.

        • grownandsexy2

          Yes, Lawd. Ain’t too much worse than seeing a pair of pants on a flat butt.

      • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

        You mean secretly loving it??

        • miss t-lee

          HAHAH

    • brothaskeeper

      FLOTUS goes hard! ?

    • She’s something else ain’t she?!

      • Ess Tee

        Mhmm. Inspiration by another name.

    • Cleojonz

      That jump rope move alone! I’d have my feet all tangled together and crumple to the floor lol. Get it FLOTUS!

    • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

      First Lady Michelle Obama has always been magnificent in fitness, politics, and in other areas.

    • Mary Burrell

      Jim Sensenbrenner from Wisconsin

      • Ess Tee

        That guy! Yeah. I couldn’t remember his name so thank you!

  • Val

    “… a somehow-still-alive-Willow Smith (found living in a three story loft in Detroit, Michigan, inexplicably both unaffected by the apocalypse and unaware it even happened)…”

    Lol

    https://media.giphy.com/media/l41lWeQWCgelFIva8/giphy.gif

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      This GIF scares me a little! Is that weird?

      • Val

        Just don’t look directly into her eyes and you’ll be okay. Lol

      • RaeRae

        Me too!!!

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