Am I A Thief? Asking For A Friend » VSB

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Am I A Thief? Asking For A Friend

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I’ve taken to bringing my lunch to work. It’s cheaper than hitting up any of the various high-priced sandwich shops in my immediate vicinity. On some mornings, I’ll stop by a local grocer and go pick up some Campbell’s microwavable soup thing, spend 8 bucks and get enough for the week. I’m a creature of habit. If I like something, I can eat it every day until I switch things up on your bitch ass. I’m a boss like that. You get used to it turning right then POW we turning left today!

Anyway, on one particular day where I was feeling particularly froggy (on this particular day, particularly) I had my soup on deck, but decided to head to my cafeteria to make a purchase of a Cherry Coke. This is a bit stupid on my part. Since first purchasing a Cherry Coke a few months ago, I’ve found out that, for me and my soul, soul, body and soul, Cherry Coke is pretty much a laxative. On some days, I’ll take a few sips then I’m skipping to my lou. That’s a pun. Intentionally.

Other days, not so much. But I felt like sharing with you all in case anybody else had a similar issue with Cherry Coke. You are not alone; I am here for you. Though we’re far apart, you’re always in my heart. Pinky swear.

By the way, we’ve digressed SO far from where I wanted to go. But as my good friend (I don’t know him) Donnell Jones once sang, this is where I wanna be. Such a good album. Really.

Back to my lunch and my cafeteria and all that good shit.

Sidenote: I’m writing this in Microsoft Word right now. MS has to be pissed with me. There are so many red and green squiggly lines under my words and sentence fragments I imagine a Lilliputian gentleperson (I’m pretty PC these days, bitches) inside my computer shaking his fists in a spritely manner, which is probably more cute than anything. Tiny fists. Aww.

Lunch.

So, this one particular day when I ventured to get a Cherry Coke in my cafeteria I decided to peruse the options of my cafeteria. Let me tell you, the options are rarely enticing. Now that I have my FitBit, I use it as a reason to leave the building for lunch, but before I had it, I used the cafeteria as a reason to leave my building for lunch. Well, I checked the options and saw nada. I looked at the desserts and saw nothing that tickled my fancy. And let me tell you, I like things that tickle my fancy. My fancy? Ticklish.

I then walked to a little kiosk like area that we also have which sells some different items, but ultimately bupkus. Now, this area is a self-service one. There’s rarely an attendant so its totally on the honor system. Well, that and video surveillance. If you walk out without paying, they might not know immediately, but they’ll know eventually. So I was in there checking out my options as well.

But alas, nothing. Besides, I already knew I had a soup upstairs waiting to be infused with all of the micro waves one soup canister could handle. Here’s where it got tricky.

I couldn’t remember that if I had a spoon to eat my soup. On a prior trip to the grocery store, I’d purchased a box of plastic utensils that included 8 each of spoons, forks, and knives – the holy eating triumvirate. And since I’d been eating soup, I’d been using up the spoons but I hadn’t kept count. And while the TV show insists that 8 is enough, I assure you that it is not over an extended period of time.

Anyway, on my way out of the kiosk where I purchased nothing and remembered that I couldn’t remember if I had a spoon, I took a plastic spoon from the spoon dispenser. Then I wondered if I should.

Then I looked at the camera to see if it saw me take a spoon. Then I made a mad dash for the door realizing that I may or may not have committed a crime and that I’m on camera.

You might be saying to yourself, “P, I hate you a little bit right now. I read this whole shit for THAT to be your concern?”

Hear me out.

When you put something from the cafeteria or kiosk for which you need a spoon or fork, and you take one, it is expected. But what happens when you literally walk into one of those spaces and just take the utensils that were purchased under the assumption that people who need them for purchased items would use. I just walked in and took a spoon. I ain’t pay for nothing. I didn’t need it for something there. I needed it for something in my office. The people who purchase those utensils do it for the people who eat at their establishment. Not the people who just need forks and knives.

Right?

I realize the likelihood of me doing hard time behind is low. I won’t have to share a cell with D-Money or Smooth, who are selling drugs and impregnating white girls in Maine. BUT, am I a petty thief for taking items that were provided for a certain purpose and I skirted that purpose?

Am I a thief?

Asking for a friend.

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • This is comical. I guess I’m criminal-minded as well because I do this all of the time. And I’m a bad parent because I send my kids into random fast-food joints to get napkins, straws, ketchup, etc and have no intention of buying a lick of food. My daughter secretly hates me for this.

    On a slightly different note, I don’t know how janky or forward-thinking this is, but when I go to fast-food establishments–Chipotle to be exact–I leave with a heaping pile of their plastic spoons. Why, pray tell? Because I have a toddler and toddlers love to throw things away in an attempt to be helpful. Unfortunately, those things include my flatware. So, in an effort to save the rest of my 6 spoons, 12 forks and 28 butter knives (which, of course, never get tossed), I tend to pick up a ton of extra plastic spoons. In my mind, it helps offset the cost of that marginal tasting, yet highly over-priced faux Mexican food.

    • Cleojonz

      Chipotle has the best napkins. And their utensils are the heavy duty black kind, not those janky flimsy white ones.

      • Girl yes! They stand up the dishwasher and to my baby randomly trying to stab ish with then. I think I’m going to re-up my supply tonight. Lol!

      • Ille Jay

        Haha! There’s a joke in there about blakk don’t crakk or somethin…I’m too square to make it pop!

        • Cleojonz

          It’s ok. You tried lol.

    • AlwaysCC

      i seriously think we have 5 forks left. *sigh* i meant to purchase more flatware during the holidays on a sale, but i forgot because we have also been living that plastic utensil life

      • Pinks

        OMG in my house it’s spoons. We have butter knives by the dozen, but were rotating like 3 spoons for months lol. I said I wasn’t buying any new homeware until we buy our house, but I broke down and bought a set of cutlery last week.

    • PDL – Cape Girl

      My kid was bad at this, tossing out utensils, but not as a dern baby. This was an issue for me from the time she was about 12 until 16. Just throwing the entire plate in the garbage….WITH THE UTENSILS ON IT!! Man o man, I was something hot because it was careless and show no regard for me spending my dern money. I had to restock utensils several times. Just trife….LOL

  • I’ll admit if I see something that might be free, I’m taking it. Spoons, napkins, candy in a jar, a glance at the librarian’s cleavage, it don’t matter. You know, I might be crime boss now that I think about it.

    • Gbadebo

      Why bring all of that CANDY in that jar if you don’t want me to take it!?!?!

    • Tyrell Holmes

      lmao @ “a glance at the librarian’s cleavage”

    • inYOface

      if its on the breakroom table (fortune 500 club job here) its for the taking. that’s why you have an office!!, so if you’re selling your kids candy, you better put a note, cause if not, I ate it already! #yep

  • Jocelyn

    The management is going to send a goon after you for $0.00005 cents – the cost of that spoon.

    • panamajackson

      I will hire Monique Pressley to defend me in a court of honor.

      • Jocelyn

        Go big or go home.

  • LadyIbaka

    Yes, you are a thief. Petty thiefage is still thiefery. Essentially all human beings are thieves. If my nose is running, and there is a coffee shop on my way, I’m entering and helping my nose stop running by helping myself to napkins. #Jesusunderstands

    • panamajackson

      Pretty sure its thievery. But who am I to judge. I misspell things as sport.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    This tickled me…..for several reasons.

    I use to walk in the cafe or the little store next door and take utensils, never eyeing the cashier. LOL I know the cafe lady wanted sooo bad to say something to me (I could feel it) for a long time. I got the impression that she’d just rather not bother. She did stop me once after getting small packs of butter several times and just walking out. Seemed like she’d been waiting for an opportunity and said “excuse me, that’s going to be .05 cents each.” As much as I wanted tear a whole in her frame for getting petty, I couldn’t cause #queenpetty, I paid and left. Same thing with the crackers. In the store the cashier said “you know those are .05 cents each?” I guess you can tell I’d done that pretty often too, huh? Truthfully, the utensils should be left for patrons, or purchased if you’re not going to eat there.

    Now that I’m really trying to focus on doing all things right (not perfect) but mindful and respecful and doing the right thing, I no longer “borrow” crackers, butter or utensils. LOLOL I bring my own everything and lock them in my drawer….yep, my Starbucks k-cups as well. The ony thing I don’t lock in my drawer is a carton of half and half. That’s kept in the frig with my name written all over it….with a black Sharpie….LOL Oh, I use to grab a buttload of straws too but someone started doing to me what I was doing to to the cafe….stealing them. LOLOL

  • It’s a net loss of zero. Everyone overstocks on utensils.

    • panamajackson

      Pretty sure that wasn’t the lesson from Accounting 101.

  • Wait. Is this is a thing? I shoulda been locked up or reprimanded or pink slipped or something by now if so. I’ve gone to the cafeteria plenty of times with the express purpose of getting utensils because I forgot to pack my own while I was getting my lunch ready at home.

    I mean, I ain’t never looked at the surveillance camera while getting a fork or spoon, so I might be OK. You, on the other hand, looked dead into the camera. You might get got.

    • JB

      Agreed, as a faux security guard….. You done.

    • Trill Mickelson

      Shoot, I have intentionally NOT packed my own utensils because I knew I could get them from somewhere else. I have never given it a second thought, b. Only until reading this did I realize that I am, in fact, a thief. Only until reading this did I realize that I do not, in fact, care.

      But I also take enough utensils to distribute to friends and coworkers. So I’m like Robin Hood out here. Minus the tights. And minus being white.

      • You do it for the culture.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    I’m so weird…I used to only drink Cherry Coke with freshly popped popcorn. Now it’s diet coke with popcorn. I can’t drink any other kind of soda though. Gotta have that fizz and burn when eating popcorn

    • anichole

      I can only drink HICi fruit punch with my popcorn, maybe lemonade. I understand completely.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Glad someone else gets it :)

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      I’m righ there with you. Started cherry coke at the movie theater.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Hahaha. I don’t drink it now but ain’t it so good?!

        • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

          Its the heroine of sodas.

  • Cleojonz

    Straws, napkins and utensils are always up for grabs in any establishment. I must be a thief too.

    Also, too, the imagery on this:
    “I imagine a Lilliputian gentleperson (I’m pretty PC these days, bitches)
    inside my computer shaking his fights in a spritely manner, which is
    probably more cute than anything. Tiny fists. Aww.”

    Hilarious!

  • Ari

    My building’s caf started distributing pre-wrapped utensils with napkins at the cash registers in lieu of free-for-all plastic utensils. I guess all of the plastic fork looting was costing them too much money. That didn’t stop me from taking the coffee creamers for my morning coffee (that I bring into work from home).

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