Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

All Of Men And Women’s Issues Can Be Tied To This Very Scenario: Do You Want Me To Come Over or Nah?

(via Guymoments)

For those who can’t see the video because your technology is in beta mode circa 2002, let me break this down very simply. And this is a scenario that I’m sure nearly everybody who has ever dated somebody is familiar with.

Girl calls Boy and says she’s in neighborhood and asks him if he wants her to come over.

Boy says, “I ain’t trippin. You can do that.”

Girl says, “What does that mean? Do you WANT me to?”

Boy says, “It’s cool if you come by, but if you don’t, it’s okay too.”

Girl says, “So you aren’t looking forward to me coming by?”

You know how the rest of this goes. Boy gets flustered, girl gets pissed. Boy can’t believe this turned into an actual argument. Girl can’t believe boy doesn’t understand her simple request. Boy realizes he actually doesn’t want her to come over any longer. Girl determines that boy is an asshole.

Quick synopsis here as this situation is likely familiar enough to everybody where much discussion on my part ain’t necessary. I will never understand why this battle gets fought. I really won’t. You called me in the middle of whatever the hell I was doing. Which means that at the time, no, I wasn’t thinking about your monkey ass. But you call and are all like, “Oooooh we love you PJ, I’m around the corner, you want me to stop by.” At which point I’m like, sure, cool. Come thru. That’s the green light. The whole, “wait, but do you want me part” is sooooooooo unnecessary. That’s like calling your damn hairdresser and being like, “hey, I’m free, can you do my hair right now?” She’s like “cool.” You’re not going to ask her, “oh, but do you want to do my hair?”

And miss me with the intimacy. Relationships with hairdressers and barbers are as personal as sh*t gets. You actually have to break up with them. Real talk. I just avoided my barber. It was easier for all of us.

But, I know women have this whole “I want you to want to do xyz”. I even alluded to it in my last post about a perfect man. You want to feel wanted. And that’s cool, and I’m gon’ let you finish, but real spit…bye Felicia.

It’s an unnecessary fight. You called me and I’m like, “it’s cool.” You want me to be just as excited about your idea at the moment you have as you are despite the fact that you probably “ended” up in my neighborhood with a plan in the first place.

This is the breakdown point for men and women. And it was ARTFULLY crafted from the male’s point of view via the video. Especially our frustration. We go from like, “yeah, come thru” to actually NOT wanting you to come by. At all.

Man wants something? He makes the call, gets it, or does it. When presented with option that we’re okay with, we say “cool, that’ll work”. It should end there.

The rest of that drama can be kept for your mama. Oh, and your cousin too.

Ladies, make this make sense to me. Please. Fellas…can you help me??


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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://clubsixes.com/ Trip

    The guy in the video could have avoided the whole mess by reading between the lines and giving her some appeasing answer, but this also means he’s bullsh!tting and saying anything to get out of the situation. If a guy feels like he has to do this constantly just to keep the peace, he’ll eventually move on and cut ties, EVEN if he likes the woman otherwise.

    Advice to the ladies- If you feel the need to add in that extra, He’s just not into you like that and repeating the behavior is just going to accelerate the inevitable.

    I tell my boo on the regular how I feel about her and sometimes she probably thinks I’m a bit crazy, BUT…I never have to deal with a convo like that. Now as for the men who aren’t attached, they have to deal with odd situations like women calling them “thirsty” for being open and direct with their feelings because it doesn’t fit into the woman’s emotional time-line.

  • nillalatte

    “You called me in the middle of whatever the hell I was doing. Which
    means that at the time, no, I wasn’t thinking about your monkey ass.”

    Exactly. I simply have to confess; Unicorns never do this ish. Ever. True. Welcome to the Unicorn training school lesson 101. A unicorn rarely, let me say that again, rarely calls a man, and I’d be damn if I’m calling a man to invite myself to his place. WTH?. The unicorn code of conduct is, if a ninja is interested, he’s calling the unicorn ’cause we got that magic and he wants to play with fire. Plus, if he’s calling me, that means I’m on his mind, which is exactly what the unicorn requires. Of course, adjustments can be made later as the relationship evolves.


    I’m very anal about my conversations and word-choice. This entire breakdown was mostly the woman’s fault. Her initial question was, “You want me to come by?” which is very vague and lends itself to a non-nonchalant response.

    Her follow-up question should have been, “Is that a yes or a no?”

    Very direct and pointed.

    She played herself when she threw in the entire, “Do you WANT me to” scenario.

    That’s my two cents.

  • Dr. Fabulous

    I don’t do pop-ups or in the neighborhood! I think it’s inconsiderate. I was direct with the “coming over” question so I wasn’t fishing for a certain level of enthusiasm in the answer. I would call or text earlier and say I might be that way later and I’ll come through. The answer was either he’ll be there or not. And he was usually there. It helped that I was bringing chicken and booty, but that’s not the point. If you want to chill stop going all DaVinci Code on his answer and go chill!

    Oh and if she knew where he lived, she didn’t just happen to be in the neighborhood. She was probably down the block trying to see if he would say he wasn’t there

  • Ms Butterfly

    I call shenanigans on the guy. This is bad “friendzone” etiquette.

    This scenario went down bc she likes him more than a friend, but he doesn’t like her more than a friend. He knows this, but he’s selfish, so if she’s willing to smash, he’ll take it. He keeps his answers nonchalant so he can feed his own ego, and be able to weasel his way into plausible deniability later … “Well…she invited HERSELF over for chex so ifshe caught feelings that’s on her, blah blah blah”.

    I’ve been in the reverse of this situation, where a guy is “in the neighborhood”, wants to see me, but I’ve already friendzoned him. Usually he’ll offer to take me out, or buy a gift, or rub my feet, or listen to my problems. It would be bad friendzone etiquette to accept these things. I know he is looking for more in a relationship or for chex, and I know full well I don’t want to reciprocate. If I let a guy spend all his money and time on me without having an inkling of intention of giving up drawers in the future all you guys would be crying foul.

    The best answer to this scenario is if you like them, but ONLY as a friend, suggest a more neutral setting than your house. “Like hey I’m busy now, but do you wanna grab dinner?” OR suggest doing a very specific activity at your house and leave it at that. “Sure, what do you wanna do? Watch the game?”.

    Most importantly, you wrap up your evening after the activity is done with some daps and some hugs. Both people get to have a good time with each other and protect your mutual egos.

  • Muze

    I’m super late and this post is hilarious. i’ve TOTALLY BEEN THIS GIRL. but seeing it played out made me not only laugh, but also realize how silly it is to try to force someone out of nonchalance. like, if a man wants to see you, he will say yes. it’s really that simple. if it doesn’t matter either way, he’ll say something like he did in the video above (which i mean, is fair since he was just at home chillin minding his own business). if that was her man, then he’d better act like he hit the lottery for her unexpected visit, but they’re clearly not together, so i don’t get what was wrong in his answer. in my single days “if you want to” was my STANDARD answer for any invite out if i didn’t care either way. like hey, if you want, let’s roll, otherwise i’m good. …difference is, i’ve never once had a man say “but do YOU want me to want to?” LOL.

  • Msdebbs

    I don’t think she was that scared she popped up in his neighborhood unannounced.

  • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

    That’s rejection for you when it comes to the fairer gender- it’s no fun when the shoe is on the other foot. That’s why I always say to women on rejection: Think about how you would feel if what you’re doing somebody did to you.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    I agree. But for people who are never enthusiastic like me, this always causes an issue because I’m great with her coming, but I’d be lying if i made an extra claim to it by screaming Hell Yeah. Just do what you were going ti do, when you get here, I’ll show why i am happy to see you….thats how it plays out in my head.

  • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

    When we ask for clear, you give us cloudy arse responses. But WE’RE the chicks with the chick logic. Kay boo.

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