All By My Se-eee-eelf: 5 Signs That You’re Dating Somebody Who Isn’t Dating You.

lonelyHas anybody ever asked you for advice regarding their situation and then halfway through you realized, “holy doughnuts Batman, this chick is totally dating a dude who isn’t dating her.” I’ve seent that very scenario with my own two eyes and let me tell you, that realization is a motherf*cker.

Well since we here at VSB are into community development and the advancement of the species, we try to help out those individuals who find themselves in the most dastardly of circumstances. And there can’t be any circumstance more dastardly than this one. Well, perhaps that’s not true. Finding out that the man or woman you’re in a relationship with is married with 3 children and a labradoodle named Fefe might be worse.

On the real though, imagine that you think you’re in a relationship with somebody, doing all the things you surmise one would do in a relationship only to have somebody tell you that though they think its cute that you want to be with them and that you’re such a sweetheart, they’re really more interested in just having fun. That’s what folks might call a sign. But like most situations in life, there are always signs that indicate things might not be on the up and up like you might like. As a service to the good people, I’ve decided to lay out a few signs that are indicative of lopsided loving. Follow me.

1) You ALWAYS initiate all of the contact

If every time you text or call, they say to you, “I was just about to call you”, well, they’re lying. The law of averages teaches us this is wrong. If somebody’s actually interested in you, they’re going to beat you to the punch at least a few times. Especially with text messaging. At some point in every real relationship, you should be the recipient of the random 3am, “just thinking of you” texts or even the, “I know you’re at work as a pet masseuse but I figured you could use a pick me up so i wanted to say hello even if i couldn’t’ hear your voice. lol :)” If you never get the LOL :)…you’re probably not dating.

2) You always buy them gifts but they never seem to get you anything

If you always find a way to remember your person when you go out of town with little trinkets like snow globes that say “Toronto” on them or the ubiquitous spoon (why the hell do folks always by location spoons) and on your significant days i.e. birthday, Christmas, you get a card and maybe a lotion set from Victoria Secret (if that), you just might more single than you think.

3) You never hang out with his friends

Say you only go to your friends events but never hang with his friends. Totally in the single status zone. Friends are the co-sign of your relationship. As in, meeting all the friends validates that you do exist in the realm of important people of his life. If you never hang with the friends, you never get the co-sign, which means all they probably know of you is that he’s banging you. Bang bang does not a relationship make.

4) He always finds an excuse to go home

We all know that time is the main factor needed for a relationship. You know somebody likes you when they find odd reasons to hang around you. If you always want just 5 more minutes of his time but her never wants to stay around you too long or often bounces after that good lovin’, you’re more jumpoff than you are girlfriend. Even if its just 8pm and he’s like, “it’s getting late”…yeah, no. He’s just not that into you. And oh yeah, you’re really single.

5) You suggest interesting dates and end up at TGIFridays and the movies, every time

Variety is the stuff of life. If you’re always up for something new and different but he really just loves the food at TGIFridays, well, you’re not in a relationship. If he really cared about your happiness, you’d be at Benihana. But you’re not. You just got a double cheeseburger since he was on the way over for like 30 minutes. So sad, sister.

I know there are more so good folks of VSB, help the people out.  What are the signs that you’re dating somebody who isn’t dating you?

It’s community service.  Help the people out.


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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Ms. Smart

    Humh. I think this list works for men who think they are in a relationship when they aren’t. But I’ll add:

    1. If a woman only suggests fun things for you to do that benefit her, then you’re probably not dating her. (i.e. Wouldn’t it be fun for you to go tire shopping for me??)

    2. If at anytime it’s even hinted that she has a friend you’d get along well with, you aren’t her guy. You’re her assistant…or she thinks you’re gay.

    • SexyCool

      @Ms. Smart,

      *dead* at assistant!!! HOLLUHS!!! (Yes, I’m country.)

    • Panama Jackson

      @Ms. Smart, i know some cats who get caught up like that. every time i talk to them they’re like, yeah i just had to make an IKEA run with such-n-such and then i had put her sh*t together…but its all good, i been meaning to see if i could break my old record of putting together an entire living room with 12 screws and some really cheap wood anyway. my old record from her old house was like 17 days.

      • Malange

        @Panama Jackson,
        LMAO! too funny!

      • missjess

        @Panama Jackson,
        LMBO!! I love takin a guy ona trip to ikea….i needs my ish put together, and i clearly am not tryin to do it by myself!

        besides…as long as i have a meal ready when you’re done putting stuff together, there shouldn’t be a problem

        • Panama Jackson

          @missjess, i think it depends on the job. putting together a tv stand…sure, something to eat will suffice.

          i’m putting together a damn armoire that’s wall length in your room, then you’d better be coming off some dome, dinner, and after dinner delight.

          • Me fail english?

            @Panama Jackson,

            Haha @ “Let’s make a deal: The dirty version”

            What does grilled chz and a hand job get you?

          • Big Lou

            @Panama Jackson, and not that regular begrudging dome… It oughtta be that ‘I’ma do this right since it’s your birthday’ dome.

    • Me fail english?

      @Ms. Smart,

      “1. If a woman only suggests fun things for you to do that benefit her, then you’re probably not dating her. (i.e. Wouldn’t it be fun for you to go tire shopping for me??)”

      WHAT?! I thought men liked doing this stuff for us. I tried to buy my parents a snowblowers years ago and this dude tried to take over. AND he aint know isht about snowblowers. Could it be that he thought I was snowblowin’ for snowblowers?

      • Ms. Smart

        @Me fail english?, They like it but it doesn’t benefit them. Picking you up from the airport is another one dudes get caught up in. The only way it benefits them is that in their minds, they are ‘seeing you’ and can add this to their date tally. But in reality, you only asked him cus he was cheaper than the long-term lot and 1800bluevan.

        • Me fail english?

          @Ms. Smart,

          I had “Aug 2006″ ( I gotta find a better codename for him) show up at the airport earlier this year…unannounced. First of all, who the eff asked you to come? Second, you know I got a man. You tryna get us shot?

  • Gem in Chicago for SFN

    lmao @ I know you’re at work as a pet masseuse

    and i LOVE benihana!!!! simple food but sooooo delicious. nothing like fried rice cooked on the grill. mmmmm. never been there on a date. hmph.

    • Cheekie

      @Gem in Chicago for SFN,

      Girl, since you in Chicago, try Ron of Japan if you never had it! Benihana was my first Japanese steakhouse experience, but Ron of Japan takes the dayum cake.

      Mmm, fried rice on the grill is definitely like no other! *Homer drool*

      • Me fail english?


        Is that margarine they spread all on the grill? That’s why I cant do hibachi anymore. High blood pressure runs in my fam. If I’m gonna eat that heart attack at least dont let me see it! :(

        • Cheekie

          @Me fail english?,

          Yeah, I think it is. High blood AND diabetes runs in my fam. That’s why I gotta take that ish in small doses. Oh, and because it’s a recession. That mess ain’t cheap. lol

  • chaoticdiva

    *phew* I was almost afraid that you would have written another article pertaining to me. Apparently, I only seem to be the “evil wench” type that preys on innocent men.


    (maybe not)

    • Panama Jackson

      @chaoticdiva, girl, what on earf are you talking about. lol.

  • Kit (Keep It Trill)

    You tell him where you want to bury the body and he snitches before it’s cold. He’s really not into you.

    • Panama Jackson

      @Kit (Keep It Trill), “…cases in virginia, bodies in DC…”

  • Gem in Chicago for SFN

    oh, and to add to the list…

    this kinda goes with #3 but… if he doesn’t introduce you to ppl when you’re out. or just introduces you by just your name or with the “my friend…” prefix instead of the “my girlfriend/lady/woman/lover/wifey/main-squeeze/etc” prefix.

    • Stuff Ghetto People Like

      @Gem in Chicago for SFN, I don’t prefix date introductions with any title, I just say “this is ____.” “My friend” is really dismissive, and I don’t want to lay it on too thick for a chick who quite possibly doesn’t see herself as on a date with me.

      • Gem in Chicago for SFN

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

        if yall are just in the getting to know you phase of the “date-ship” then no label is acceptable. i was thinking more a long the lines of more serious dating (at least in girlfriend’s mind).

        • Me fail english?

          @Gem in Chicago for SFN,

          I agree! I’d be crushed if a dude that I thought was my man said “This is MeFail”. Esp if it’s not followed up by a warm, enthusiastic “Oh, this is MeFail” :)

    • Panama Jackson

      @Gem in Chicago for SFN, on a similar note, isn’t it the MOST awkward situation when you and your new whatever are out and you all are in that “what are we phase” and somebody has to do the introducing to other people…and you just wonder how they’re gonna do it.

      for some reason, “friend” always stings in that sitch.

  • Alynrochelle

    To add to the list:

    If a guy doesn’t meet any of your girlfriends, or any group activity together.

    If most nights he doesn’t want to go out somewhere. He’s either 1) a homebody, ugh or 2) he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public, especially if someone may reccognize him.

    If you find out from mutual friends/other people he’s telling people behind your back he’s not seeing anyone, because his live is private and it’s nobody’s “business”.

    I let him go 2 days before his birthday. That Ahole. It’s all about honest communication. Hope my naive young love/pain helps.

    • Panama Jackson

      @Alynrochelle, If most nights he doesn’t want to go out somewhere. He’s either 1) a homebody, ugh or 2) he doesn’t want to be seen with you in public, especially if someone may reccognize him.

      probably about 5 years ago now, i was messing with a chick that i refused to go out with. lol. somehow, she let it slide. and she also never came to my house. i dont even think she knew where i lived.

      • Miss Patterson, arsonist in training

        @Panama Jackson, how is that even possible?

        • Cheekie

          @Miss Patterson, arsonist in training,

          I know! I’m intrigued, Panda.

        • Panama Jackson

          @Miss Patterson, arsonist in training, she had too much pride to ask me for more. lol.

          that’s the key. deal with chicks with too much pride to look vulnerable.

  • Leila

    Co-sign on the list! Other ones I would add…

    – He disappears around the holidays especially Christmas and Valentine’s Day
    – You’ve never been to his place (knew a girl who dated a guy for a year and she didn’t know his address)
    – He gets uncomfortable when you make plans for the future
    – His family doesn’t know youl
    – He takes you on dates way out in the cut
    – You only see each other late at night

    • Nicki Sunshine

      @Leila, “He disappears around the holidays especially Christmas and Valentine’s Day”

      YES! lol

    • Naturally Alise

      @Leila, YES, holidays will rat these types of non-dating situations every single time!

    • miss t-lee

      “- You’ve never been to his place (knew a girl who dated a guy for a year and she didn’t know his address)”

      This has red flag written all over it…lol

      • Me fail english?

        @miss t-lee,

        LMAO! I was thinking she may as well have wrote “His real wife/baby mama won’t let you come by….you may not be in a rel’ship”

        • miss t-lee

          @Me fail english?,
          That kat was definitely married, or was co-habitating.

    • Tunde


      “- He disappears around the holidays especially Christmas and Valentine’s Day
      – You’ve never been to his place (knew a girl who dated a guy for a year and she didn’t know his address)”

      i’ll roll with these two. especially the one about not knowing where he/she lives. you’d be surprised how many chicks will fall for this one. smh.

    • Panama Jackson

      @Leila, – He disappears around the holidays especially Christmas and Valentine’s Day

      or breaks up with chicks before christmas so he can avoid the christmas and valentines day rush. seent it. aint’ done it. though there have been years i’ve been glad me and an ex called it quits in november.

    • Cheekie


      “- You’ve never been to his place (knew a girl who dated a guy for a year and she didn’t know his address)”


      Did his crib, like, EVER come up in convo?

    • Mirandize

      @Leila, Or you get a guy that doesn’t call/text you on your birthday because for some odd reason:

      1. he just up and forgot [ but you and father has the same birthday]

      2. his phone got shut off, for that one day only and he had no way to call/text [I had a guy give this excuse before]

      3. he thought it was on the 26th, instead of the 6th… [I mean, Really??]

      But I hate guys that don’t even consider your birthday and I just went out and bought you that new Madden game for your birthday that you absolutely had to have. But I will get a forwarded text message on New Years or Columbus Day [ I was like “Really?? Columbus Day??”] but not even on the 6th, instead of the 26th.

      Something has got to give…

  • Imperfect

    I have so been this chick. I am that chick. LOL to hide my shame.

    But when one is in a relationship all by ones self, do they have to “break up” with the other party to completely move on?

    • WordSmith



    • luvtheshoes


      Don’t feel bad. I’ve been this chick, too. One time it was in an on/off relationship for 3 years. Yeah, I guess I was a little slow on that one.

      • http://Eww Cherrell

        @luvtheshoes, ahhh I wasn’t going to say anything but I’ve done the on/off thing for 2yrs. I kinda knew, but he was borderline with making me feel existant, I did meet his cousin, lol. That’s one of a few pros vs. too many cons. I know you had a feeling all the while but chose to hope a little bit more. For me, it was them dog on holidays over the time too, lol. I can laugh about it now, but I know some red flags for a lifetime!!!

    • Cayenne


      I’ve been in this situation, and since I didn’t realize I was dating myself until it was too late…I also felt no need to inform the other party I had broken up with him…after all the unreturned calls, he finally got the hint too… ;)

    • Panama Jackson

      @Imperfect, yeah, you pretty much need to just break up like a mario, sean garret, and gucci mane song.

      but then be prepared for the , ‘but why would you wanna break up” like a mario, sean garret, and gucci mane song.

      so all purpose, so fly.

      • Smiley Face

        @Panama Jackson,

        Cole…you stupid!

  • Lavonne

    I think there are exceptions for three because my cousin would hang with this guy she was talking to for whole weekends and would be around his friends and everything but when she wouldn’t be around him she said he would be distant. So I think theres a but in there.

    • SexyCool


      His ‘real’ girlfriend must have been with her husband on the weekends and holidays and could only be with him during the week when the hubby was travelling.

  • charli skipp, esq.

    you were in a relationship by yourself if you meet one of his other girls and he either doesn’t try to explain it to you all or is too busy explaining to her to even notice you. or if he sends you a text message on christmas or you get no holla at all. lol.

    one time i was with one of my friends while she stopped by to see her “boyfriend” and her cell phone was disconnected. he straight up said, “maybe you should get your boyfriend to pay that bill for you.” da*n homie. just….da*n.

    • Smiley Face

      @charli skipp, esq.,

      d*mn….just d*mn

    • Panama Jackson

      @charli skipp, esq., Christmas Text sounds like a song that would feature t-baby, reh dogg, and eli porter.

      • Me fail english?

        @Panama Jackson,

        Remix featuring the “It’s so Coooold in the D” All Stars