5 Signs That You’re In An Abusive Relationship

“Black Johnny” — the Vietnam vet who used to sell bun-less hot dogs and green olives at halftime of Connie Hawkins Summer League basketball games — once t0ld me that some people “float to trouble like fried chicken crumbs to seat cushions.” Although I’m still not completely sure what Black Johnny meant — and I’m still not completely sure why we all called this high-yellow n*gga “Black Johnny.” I guess we were all just being really ironic – I can’t think of another person who better personifies this completely ridiculous and completely sensible home-spun saying than Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall.

Marshall, a perennial all-pro and native Pittsburgher (We can definitely breed em. What exactly are we breeding? I have no f*cking clue), has 515 words on his Wiki page devoted to accounts of his various arrests and run-ins with the law, so I wasn’t the least bit surprised when hearing that he had been stabbed in the gut by his wife last weekend.

From CNN

The wife of Miami Dolphins star receiver Brandon Marshall has been charged with stabbing him in the abdomen with a kitchen knife during a domestic violence incident, according to a report from the Broward County, Florida, sheriff’s office.

Michi Nogami-Marshall, 26, was charged Friday evening with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, which allegedly occurred in their Southwest Ranches, Florida, home, according to the sheriff’s report.

The couple, who have no children, have been married one year and have been involved for 2 1/2 years, the sheriff’s report said.

Brandon Marshall, 27, told police that he “slipped and fell onto a broken glass vase,” the report said.

“However, the area of where the vase was broken indicated no blood within the immediate area to substantiate his claim,” the report said.

His wife then told police that she stabbed her husband “out of self-defense,” the report said.

“Both the victim and the defendant provided scant information regarding the incident itself,” the sheriff’s report said.

Now, I could be wrong, but after a quick scan of this article and Marshall’s Wiki page, my gut is telling me that Marshall and Nogami-Marshall are in a mutually abusive relationship.

Why definitely? Well, the numerous domestic disputes are a big giveaway. What really gets me, though, is the fact that she stabbed this n*gga in the stomach with a kitchen knife! You know where else they stab people in the stomach with non-lethal weapons? Prison. Basically, he got prison-shanked in his own house by his own wife.

But, not all abusive relationships give this type of conspicuous proof, and here’s 5 somewhat subtle signs that you just might be in one.

1. No one ever invites you anywhere as a couple

While the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown thing might be a regular and even mundane occurrence for you and your beau, no one wants to be the couple sitting in the same Cheesecake Factory booth of the couple who’s throwing ice cubes, pinky rings, and two-sided brushes at each other.

2. You’re not having sex

Look, I understand that couples occasionally go through droughts. I also understand that some of these droughts may be health related. But, if you’re two healthy people with a normal sexual appetite, a prolonged drought usually means one of two things:

A) Someone did some foul-ass sh*t, and the other is justifiably pissed

B) Someone did something that wasn’t really all that bad at all, and the other is an emotional terrorist withholding the coital ransom

Ok, forget about whether that “coital ransom” analogy made any sense (it didn’t). The main point is that whenever sex is intentionally withheld for a long period of time, it’s usually accompanied either by some type of mental, emotional, or physical abuse or someone found out that someone’s a Laker fan.

3. Your last relationship was abusive

For whatever reason, it seems like people who just got out of seriously abusive relationships need to be in relationships that are progressively less abusive, but still abusive, before they’re ready to be in one completely devoid of it. It’s almost as if they’re going from crack (Ike Turner) to methadone (Jim Brown) to cigarettes (Nas) to cupcakes (Peter the Apostle).

4. You’re always on eggshells

I’ve been here before, where I spent so much time living on “Wait, is the mention of this perfectly normal sexual act going to make her cry again?” and “If this Kool-Aid is too sweet, will she burn another one of my sneakers at dawn?” eggshells that I might as well changed my name to Salmonella. Don’t fret for me, though. Served me right for dating that damn Delta.

5. You find yourself being preemptively abusive

Truly abusive relationships sometimes end up morphing into a version of Stockholm Syndrome, where instead of turning into a martyr, you adapt to the conditions created by your emotional terrorist and you even start becoming exactly like them. You manipulate before you have the opportunity to be manipulated, kick before you have the chance to get kicked, disrespect in the sack before you have the chance to be disrespected.

Before you know it, you’ve become the Steven Seagal to their “lead smirking henchman in black,” and your entire life is one big clusterf*ck circle jerk of broken limbs, bed dred, police reports, and cold semen in your eye. 

Anyway, people of VSB.com, did I forget anything? Can you think of any more signs that a person might be in an abusive relationship? Also, although men get the bulk of the abuser blame, do you think there’s any truth to the idea that women are frequently just as (if not more) abusive?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Liz to fix it)

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    Hmm. I feel like abusive relationshippers still have sex tho. I feel like usually that’s the main thing keeping them together (ie what defines them being together). I dunno for sure tho…

    If someone doesn’t respect your freedom (to have your own space, make your own decisions) then you are probably in an abusive relationship.

    • Ivy St.

      I agree. Sometimes the abuse is the chex.

    • NinaFontaine

      Its true – its the reason they make up!
      But lack of sex is abuse LOL

    • FormerlyImperfect

      “Hmm. I feel like abusive relationshippers still have sex tho. I feel like usually that’s the main thing keeping them together (ie what defines them being together). I dunno for sure tho…”

      Totally agree with this. I was with this guyy off and on for at least 5 years…I don’t know that we were abusive (emotionally), but we were so dysfunctional (hence the long_term off-and-on relationship). And I loved him…but I know if we weren’t gettin it in regularly, I’d have sent him packin for good much sooner!
      I think he would pick a fight sometimes, just so we could make up.
      In abusive relationships, I think sex is the glue

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        yeah it’s like the one excuse that keeps them together “the sex is good” “we never have problems in the bedroom…just everywhere else” I’ve heard those statements from people in abusive relationships.

        It is odd though because I have heard some (Christian) counselors say that if a married couple is not having sex then something is wrong in the relationship, but that it can be saved. They didn’t mean this in the context of abuse, just general commentary about couples with marriage problems. Hmmm.

    • YaleGent

      I agree, it seems that many women unconsciously seek out abusive relationships and then stay in them for the abusive sex.

      Funny how women beaters all ways have women to beat.

      When women stop liking it, it will stop existing.
      (thats goes for so many other problems in our culture as well)

      • DG

        Funny how women beaters all ways have women to beat. When women stop liking it, it will stop existing.

        Y’know, while I kinda understand what you’re trying to say, the premise of your statement puts all of the responsibility for domestic abuse on women’s shoulders, which is just wrong on all levels (you don’t look at the victim with a black eye and say “oh, you should’ve ducked”….). I don’t think ANY woman goes into a situation expecting to suffer abuse (be it physical or emotional)…craziness/violent tendencies aren’t always readily apparent, and some men become abusive over time, well after the relationship is established. Furthermore, most abusers don’t go around with a scarlet V (for violence) attached to their person.
        As men, I would say it’s more our responsibility to check other men who we know are abusive (case in point, some of Chris Brown’s homies should have seriously checked his a$$ to let him know that his past and recent behavior ain’t cool). We learn how to conduct ourselves as men by observing/interacting with other men. If a man is putting his hands on a woman (with or without provocation), it’s imperative that other men serve as checks and balances. If that means enforcing some straight Hamurabi Code type ish (i.e., you beat his a$$ in the same manner…hell, maybe you break both his hands every time he hits on her), so be it. I know that violence begets violence, but sometimes a good a$$ whooping is the only thing some folks understand.

        • V Renee

          As men, I would say it’s more our responsibility to check other men who we know are abusive .

          Truth.Com! A woman (not even a mama) can’t check a man like a man can.

          @ YaleGent – I’m ice-grilling blank-staring you along with coldsweat3 also.

        • Squeak

          @DG

          “We learn how to conduct ourselves as men by observing/interacting with other men…it’s imperative that other men serve as checks and balances.”

          I agree with this wholeheartedly. Good points.

        • Mo-VSS

          Right. His whole argument was like “when you all stop liking it, it will stop happening.”

          While I have known some friends addicted to the drama of abusive relationships, I don’t think any of them like it. It’s something that they’re usually used to (home life, former relationships, etc) or their condition to think is not as abusive as some others may see it (and know it to be).

          • LA2Tally

            Like ALL that DG said. . . .

      • coldsweat3

        @Yalegent
        …..*blank-stare*

        Have you ever spoken to a victim of domestic abuse? Most likely one of your friends who you least expect it has been a victim of abuse, statistically speaking. I find it appalling that you would say women unconsciously seek out abusive relationships and it is incredibly offensive to put the issue on women. I do not think there is any woman who enjoys being the victim of domestic abuse. As DG said abusers are not wearing a Scarlet V. Most abuse occurs in cycles and violence gradually escalates and before you realize it its too late.. It may start off with verbal abuse, isolation from family/friends then a gradual increase of physical abuse. By this point a no one to turn to, or is in legitimate fear of her life, feelings of embarrassment or shame(most likely from statements like yours).

        Thank god they allow expert witnesses to explain to jurors battered women’s syndrome folks really dont get it….

        I think the real way to prevent abuse is mainly to educate women on the signs in the EARLY stages and provide outlets and resources for abuse, and honestly just being a supportive friend. I do not think many men would be aware of there boy’s abusive tendencies. Its kinda taboo for me to say I beat my wife/gf and folks cosign that behavior.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I find it appalling that you would say women unconsciously seek out abusive relationships and it is incredibly offensive to put the issue on women.”

          he didn’t say “women.” he said “many women,” and I think this is very true. like it or not, there are women who (consciously or subconsciously) do seek out those types of men/relationships. we can’t get all Pollyanna and pretend they don’t exist

          • Deviant

            It was more the “when women stop liking it” part that stirred that wasp nest.

            • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

              Basically.

            • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

              Yup. While I would say many women gravitate toward abusive relationships, I’d hardly say that the reason they do is because they “like” it. o_O

          • Breazy Taylor

            I agree their are some people in this world wether they are man or a woman just seem to seek drama.

          • coldsweat3

            i think there is perhaps some masochists out there. I think many women seek out men who perhaps need help/comfort or whatever but not those who have abusive tendencies and if anything it wouldnt be many women. DOJ documents over 100,000 cases of female on male domestic abuse so does that mean men are seeking abuse as well? ninja please!

          • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem Jones

            idk, Champ.

            while i think we all know some women who like DRAMA and seek out men who will oblige such drama, its not suffice to say that it means that these [some] women are seeking out ABUSIVE relationships. and its a bit of a stretch to say that these women actually LIKE abuse, and completely ridiculous to even imply that if these women stop being in abusive relationships, abusive relationships would stop.

            • DQ

              Maybe a better phrasing would be to say that many of the relationships that revolve/center around drama often have abuse and/or violence as one of the core attributes. So it wouldn’t we women liking or seeking out abuse, but seeking out relationships that by their nature, have been, or will be abusive.

        • AI

          @yalegent
          I find it amazing that nowhere in your two posts you saw fit to place responsibility on the shoulders of the men who are actually doing the beating. Simply amazing.

          Some women do have battered women’s syndrome, yes, and this explains why women stay in those relationships. But why do they start? Not every abused women is some sick masochist. The blame for the violent acts lies squarely with the man too. From domestic abuse to rape, are men not expected to be in control of their violent urges? Why should we focus all our resources solely on “educating women on the signs in the EARLY stages and provide outlets and resources for abuse.” That’s important, but the fact that you don’t see fit to mention providing the same resources to help men stop being abusers is O_O. The victim-blaming in this country is amazing.

          • https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kat-Webb/115704781820865 KitKatCuty84

            “From domestic abuse to rape, are men not expected to be in control of their violent urges?”

            I’ve seen posters that would suggest the answer to this is “YES”. I think a slippery slope occurs when you start excusing people of their vices because of their NATURE, and not putting any emphasis on personal accountability.

            It’s like the “all men cheat” propaganda that’s rife these days. They cheat because it’s their nature to “spread their seed” or some nonsense. I know evolution, but I also know that humans were blessed with higher-level brain functioning than most animals, and therefore can be socialized to do more moral things, like be faithful and not hit women.

            • Medium Meech

              Just playing devils advocate here, but how is being faithful reflective of higher level-brain function?

              • https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kat-Webb/115704781820865 KitKatCuty84

                Human beings have the ability to be moral, and other animals do not. Infidelity isn’t moral, so, since humans CAN be moral, they should be able to be faithful, and cannot act as if they weren’t given the evolutionary tools to do so.

                • Medium Meech

                  Human beings have the ability to understand morality as an abstract concept, but the emotional components that drive our since of community, conformity, and altruism are in no way the exclusive domain of humanity. I do not believe at all that the “smarter” a person is the more “moral” they are. I would think the opposite true and that the smarter a person was the more likely they are to challenge the arbitrary nature of morality and social moors. And I really don’t think that you believe that a person’s obligation to be moral or to know right or wrong comes from a place of higher reasoning.

                  • https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kat-Webb/115704781820865 KitKatCuty84

                    I don’t believe that the smarter they are the more moral they are either. But I believe that, because we are more intelligent than most animals, we have the ABILITY to be moral. I’m merely saying that, given our intelligence, we can’t blame our vices and poor decisions on evolution, because evolution ALSO gave us the ability to follow the rules and norms we created for ourselves. If you don’t want to be faithful or you want to hit women, don’t blame evolution. Blame your own choices.

                    • DQ

                      I agree. What separates us from animals is that we have the ability to choose, despite our influence, despite our upbringing, despite our education. We are not slaves to our environment, our instinct, or are evolution, we are the product of our choices. But of course the truth of this statement is applicable far and wide.

                  • WestPointProper

                    *mores?

                    • Medium Meech

                      thanks.

              • http://www.mysixcents.wordpress.com K. LySha

                I believe they mean that unlike animals who are driven by instincts, men have (or should have) the ability to make decisions and act based on conscious decisions.

                • Medium Meech

                  I think men are driven by instinct, and more times than not reason is used to justify those baser desires or more efficiently attain the objects of those instincts.

              • Annaleisha

                Your not playing devil’s advocate ur derailing. I know it was mentioned in her post but stil…

                • Annaleisha

                  Never mind, the responses were so good!

          • YaleGent

            Don’t find it amazing, because what you refer to is actually inherent in the initial statement, duh, of course these men are wrong and primarily at fault with out excuse! However not growing out of an attraction to dangerous men holds it own place at the table of stupid.

            What’s the saying… Lay down with dogs and you…..

            Thank you

        • WIP

          “I find it appalling that you would say women unconsciously seek out abusive relationships”

          I’m not sure he said that, but I think your statement is more accurate. I don’t people like being abused, but for some, they accept it because 1)it’s what they’ve seen to be normal and/or 2) they don’t think they deserve any better. There is some responsibility with the victim when the victim can leave. (I believe this concept is implemented legally as well, not with DV but in other scenarios) That’s my opinion. I was attacked and I got the f*ck outta dodge. I have friends that didn’t; they were intelligent enough to know that what happend was wrong but they stayed and got their heads busted anyway. I was mad at the guy AND at them.

          • WIP

            retract that first sentence.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        I wasn’t talking about “abusive sex.” Just sex. People in troubled relationships aren’t troubled 100% of the time. There are some good times they can point out and usually sex is a part of those good times.

        Your other statements are very ignorant as well, but I’ll leave it alone. This topic is too close to my heart to argue with fools.

        • AI

          I was replying to YaleGent, btw

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        I actually think YaleGent’s first observation makes sense. Many women that stay in one abusive relationship after another unconsciously, or should I say subconsciously, seek out abusive men.

        When you’ve been somehow conditioned into believing that a man doesn’t love you if he’s not yelling at or hitting you, you continue to seek out those men that will show “love” in the ways you think they should. And most women that do this don’t realize that is what they are doing.

        Also, women that don’t feel they deserve any better don’t actively seek out better.

        I would not go so far to say that these types of women LIKE it though. That sounds like something straight out of an abusers handbook on how to make your victim believe she deserves everything she’s getting. In reality, she’s probably not there because she likes it but because she doesn’t know that she doesn’t have to be there.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          I think some people can attract a negative type of person consistently, if they are making relationship choices based on their dysfunctional pasts as opposed to making them from healthy places. I also think you get what you tolerate. But for him to sit here and say women LIKE it, and that this is all of the woman’s fault is ridiculous. Obviously these women are emotionally broken in some way, hence “attracting” and putting up with abuse. Nobody LIKES abuse, nor is it some frivolous choice you make such as, “I like pepperoni pizza.” gtfohwtbs. this isn’t some simple supply and demand problem.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

            Exactly.

          • WIP

            Yes, funny how such a small word can cause such a ruckus. “Like” is a strong statement.

            • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

              I’m very interested in seeing how YaleGent will respond to all the heat that word has generated.

              • WIP

                Also, whether women “liked” it or not, that wouldn’t stop the existence. Once a women leaves, it would end (hopefully), but the first occurrence wouldn’t be affected at all.

          • WestPointProper

            “Lol” and “Smh” is about the only computer lingo I know, but for some reason I understood “gtfohwtbs” perfectly o_O.

      • Girl Kanyeshrug

        “I agree, it seems that many women unconsciously seek out abusive relationships ”

        OR
        Most likely abusive men seek out women who would would be vulnerable to being abused and draw them in.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          I think it can go both ways. Damaged people tend to seek out other damaged people cause most “healthy” people want nothing to do with them.

          No mentally and emotionally healthy woman wants a man that is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive. And no healthy man would want a woman that feels as if she deserves that kind of abuse.

          • https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kat-Webb/115704781820865 KitKatCuty84

            “No mentally and emotionally healthy woman wants a man that is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive. And no healthy man would want a woman that feels as if she deserves that kind of abuse.”

            I take some issue with this, because it implies that if you ended up in an abusive relationship, you were already damaged. As someone said earlier, abusers don’t often come wearing neon lights that say “WARNING! ABUSIVE!” If the abuser is smart, and many of them ARE, then they’re going to hide their crazy until the person is attached and then slowly let it out, first through emotional abuse, then verbal, and finally culminating in physical. The slower the progression of the abuse, the harder it is for the abused to even realize what’s going on. And then they realize that they’re by themselves and their self-esteem is rock bottom when the physical abuse finally rears its ugly head.

            • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

              Perhaps I should have said no mentally and emotionally healthy woman or man STAYS with someone that is verbally/emotionally/physically abusive.

              Cause like you said, the signs aren’t always obvious upfront and by the time some folks realize that they are in the middle of an abusive situation, a lot of damage has been done to their mental and emotional health. Thus making it harder for them to get out or to even realize that they should be getting out.

            • Girl Kanyeshrug

              yep

      • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

        WOW…this has to be Top 5 most ignorant statements ever read. And you call yourself a Yale Gent? You might want to check your education homie….

        Making such a generalization is offensive. Until you have either a) had multiple experiences with victims of domestic violence b) done extensive research on the topic. Since I can clearly gather neither, I’m going to have to appoint you to secret option c) you, sir are a grade-A a**hat.

        You better qualify your statements REAL quick. Placing the entirety of the onus on women just reflects to me your obnoxiously skewed view of gender roles. Don’t blame that on “our” culture – that’s just you.

      • Squeak

        “Funny how women beaters all ways have women to beat.

        When women stop liking it, it will stop existing”

        I’m late but that is an EXTREMELY volatile statement.

        • WestPointProper

          yeah you’re real late. He’s been getting all up and down this page. I popped corn…

          • WestPointProper

            getting it*

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        @YaleGent
        “I agree, it seems that many women unconsciously seek out abusive relationships and then stay in them for the abusive sex.

        Funny how women beaters all ways have women to beat.

        When women stop liking it, it will stop existing.
        (thats goes for so many other problems in our culture as well)”

        This is by far the stupidest comment I’ve read today. Women don’t seek out abusive relationships nor do they like it. Abusers seek out a type of person: one who is easy to control and one who lacks self-esteem. There are many women who are weak and fall victim to predators. Also, women who were abused as children feel comfortable with that type of man because that’s the only type of man they know. Similar to the idea that women marry their daddies. Your commentary lacks sense at times. You do nothing to forward any logical and productive thought on this blog. I feel like you spend more time venting YOUR OWN ISSUES than adding to the debate.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “When women stop liking it, it will stop existing.”

        yeah, man. not the best word choice.

        • YaleGent

          LOL,

          Wow. This is hilarious. Thanks Champ. You are possibly right, but I stand behind the statement.

          I know too many women who chase thugs, stay in abusive relationships and often pursue men who are emotionally abusive, perhaps they think that they can change him, or perhaps they just LIKE it.

          I don’t expect any woman on here to agree with me… on this site and other sisters have a hard time admitting to their faults, but the facts are stacked against their emotionally charged, naturally aggressive defenses.

          It may be wrong to think this way, but I believe their are types of men, and you can see them coming with all of their bad habits on display. Yet because the usual negative images are glorified as masculinity, some of our sisters simply can’t resist it.

          black men right out of jail rarely have a problem finding a sister to be with.

          This does not apply to every sister, how ever some sisters see the signs and walk right into the situation any way, then swear all men are dogs…

          Not all men are dogs, just the ones they LIKE… lol

          • YaleGent

            typos, due to voice recognition typing…

            *other, others
            *their are types, there are types

            • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

              Really? I thought this whole comment was one big TYPO. You may want to start over. I’ve been told I’m a pretty insightful sista. I’m usually pretty good at reading people. My radar is going off right now. I’m calling phony on you, your avi and the word Yale being used in your username.

              Basically, you need more people.

              • Alvin

                Wow, you challenge the entire identity?

              • YaleGent

                Thats Cool.

                I made a statement concerning an issue. You did not agree with my statement so now instead of arguing your point on the issue, you’ve decided to attack me. Thats cool, its immature, but cool, because its typical and an easy way to get away from reasonably defending your own point.

                I am not here to prove my identity, im here to engage in discussions concerning the post. When you are grown up enough to do that, i will be here, because I love this site and I completely understand that people think and feel differently on various issues, and I am secure enough for that to be OKAY with out attacking you.

                So much for your insight.

                Also I am not in any way upset with you, we disagree, thats fine, (adult) because as I have read many of your posts, we agree on many other things.

                Passing the chill pill….

                • YaleGent

                  This was intended for smartfoxgirl…

              • YaleGent

                The reply below was intended for you.

                I’m at work, so forgive me for not responding quickly to what I am sure will be an enlightening come back.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

            “I don’t expect any woman on here to agree with me… on this site and other sisters have a hard time admitting to their faults, but the facts are stacked against their emotionally charged, naturally aggressive defenses.”

            So us angry black women go for angry black men because we LIKE getting cursed out and having our heads put up against walls, etc?

            (ducks and runs for cover)

            • YaleGent

              Not all black woman are angry, just too many of them.

              I love to see a beautiful black woman smile.

              But of course they have their reasons….justifications….excuses… :)

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

            “perhaps they think that they can change him, or perhaps they just LIKE it. ”

            I’m sincerely befuddled as to why these are the only two reasons a woman could possible remain in an abusive relationship. Hell, even if you DON’T think these are the only two reasons, why “she must like it” would even be a primary factor… if one at all. I mean… things like low self-esteem, psychological issues, fear, etc. don’t factor at all, huh?

            • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

              YG makes a number of powerful points, no matter how crudely or candidly put accross; there have been many a study along these lines done, as to how and why Women seem to seek such Men out. Of course by now I suspect all of you know what my response to such questions are, so I won’t belabor that point and instead draw everyone’s attention to the recent happenings taking place at NYC’s Riker’s Island prison, where the inmates had numerous affairs and liasons with the female prison guards – at least one of them becoming pregnant and bringing the child to term as a result of this. There have been studies showing that felons have more kids than non-felons, on average as well. That “Thuggin’ Love” is of course one of many proxies Women use to “sniff out” Alpha Male traits. If you can put aside your sense of morality and assess things objectively and in the light of Human Sociosexual Dynamics, it all begins to make perfect sense.

              O.

              • Sula

                A two-tag team?

                Lawd, have mercy on our souls…

              • YaleGent

                Amen!

              • http://www.twitter.com/ChristiKennedy Christi

                Sadly, this has a lot of truth to it.

                In short, no woman or person likes being hit. Take a moment and remove the woman from the situation and put a child there. Or a grown man. Who ‘enjoys’ getting hit? Unless you’re a professional boxer or action junkie, no one likes being hurt.

                What has happened though is that as women ‘sniff out’ their alpha male, it tends to lead towards the strong and aggressive sorts with the bad-boy attitude. Society has utterly shaped and re-shaped our view of what is considered a dominant male. One who can provide security/stability, etc.. In the black community, the ‘thugs’ get a lot of attention. That’s all you see in the media, music, everywhere. So a lot of women end up with these sorts of men and unfortunately, a lot of them are violent. The reasons are many. They say black women are angry- well so are black men. Angry, insecure and a flip-mouthed woman nearby that makes for a great punching bag. Then you have women (insecure women who don’t know what love is) that provoke their men because any reaction means that he ‘cares’. Lots of reasons why it happens. Not sure what the answer is because both sides are guilty.

                • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

                  Christi,
                  Just wanted to say, excellent and very perceptive insights. Thanks.

                  O.

                • Yale Gent

                  Wow, beautiful and smart, how close do you live to new haven?

            • YaleGent

              These are not the only two, of course, and as for why, I think I have already answered that.

      • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem Jones

        @Yale Gent,

        sir, please….. \_

        #syad

        • WIP

          Thank you.

          “sisters have a hard time admitting to their faults, but the facts are stacked against their emotionally charged, naturally aggressive defenses.”

          He sounds like JLP.

    • Tentpole

      Another case of the fckn and fighting circle. Otherwise know as can’t live with them and can’t live without them. the kinda where the one who calls the cops is the same one who is trying to put a beat down on the cops for arresting their mate.

    • Nell

      “If someone doesn’t respect your freedom (to have your own space, make your own decisions) then you are probably in an abusive relationship.”

      – I luckily escaped this before it got too far. He constantly accused me of things I didn’t do. He made up lies he so-called heard from people just to see my reaction. He wanted to go into my phone. All this, and he couldn’t even so much as commit to me. He’d go back and forth between whether or not he wanted us to move forward or remain friends, wanting all the privileges but not the title. I didn’t realize it at the time, but those were early warning signs. Luckily, we had a big blow-out and never recovered, so I’m glad I didn’t stick around.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        Glad you got out early!

      • http://www.mysixcents.wordpress.com K. LySha

        “If someone doesn’t respect your freedom (to have your own space, make your own decisions) then you are probably in an abusive relationship.”

        Been there. That describes a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship i was in for 2 years. (Looking back and considering his terrible temper I think it was probably just a matter of time before the abuse turned physical). He accused me of things I didn’t do constantly, picked fights with me when I wanted to hang out with other friends, made subtle comments that slowly started to eat away at my self esteem. Instead of realizing that I was being manipulated I found myself constantly on my toes trying to make sure I didn’t look like I was “up to something.” My friends thought something was up with him early on but I found myself defending his behavior saying they just didn’t understand him. My friends didn’t really realize I was possibly in an abusive relationship until one day I tried to go out for a girls night out and he showed up at the spot with his friend and picked a fight with me on the dance floor.

        No one, not even me, understands why an otherwise stable, intelligent, independant woman wound up in a relationship like that or worse yet stayed for two years. It took me over a year to figure out that I was being mentally abused but by then my mental state had been altered and I was so depressed and numb that it took me almost another year to figure out how to get out. I’ve since read up on the subject and realize he was a text book case of an abuser, and with my poor self esteem at the time I was probably a text book case of a victim. I’d never allow myself to wind up in a situation like that again, but I now have a better understanding of how situations like that happen. And I know the warning signs so if I ever see anyone else in a similar situation I can encourage them to get out at the very first signs.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Hmm. I feel like abusive relationshippers still have sex tho. I feel like usually that’s the main thing keeping them together (ie what defines them being together). I dunno for sure tho…”

      yeah, but i don’t think “you’re having lots of sex” is really a concrete sign of anything other than the fact that you’re having lots of sex”

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        yeah but the lack of sex doesn’t mean you’re in an abusive relationship either. i dont think that point applies.

        plus my point wasnt that youre having LOTS of sex. but that youre just having sex. you’re the one with the burden of proof to show that abusive couples have no sex at all, per your post….and your sage advice to people wondering if they’re in an abusive relationship.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “yeah but the lack of sex doesn’t mean you’re in an abusive relationship either. i dont think that point applies. ”

          i does if you apply the conditions listed in the post

          • http://lizburr.com Liz

            so the post is winner take all? you need all 5 signs in order to know youre in an abusive relationship? is there a scale (if you have two out of 5 signs then you’e in an abusive relationship)? where do you say that?

            i think this post was sloppy. sorry. talking about the abuse is one thing but trying to give people advice to figure out if theyre in an abusive relationship feels sloppy given our track record of humor and tongue in cheekness. given the severity of the issue, i dont think its safe to sit here and offer unqualified (and possibly wrong) advice to those doing a google search looking for signs they’re in an abusive relationship.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              “given the severity of the issue, i dont think its safe to sit here and offer unqualified (and possibly wrong) advice to those doing a google search looking for signs they’re in an abusive relationship”

              …and what exactly was wrong? Which of the 5 things I listed would count as completely bad advice?

              (also, anyone who came to a site titled “Very Smart Brothas” — a site with entry titles such as “Cupid Dead Y’all: Formerly Romantic Gestures That Now Seem Creepy, Crazy and Ewwww!” and “10 Things You Should Never, Ever, Ever, Ever Do Once You’re a F*cking Grown-Up” — after doing a Google search for signs that they might be in an abusive relationship should know what they’re in for. if VSB’s not their cup of tea, they can try one of the 363,000 other results that googling “signs that you might be in an abusive relationship” generates)

              • http://lizburr.com Liz

                What’s wrong is your claim that that a couple not having sex at all means you are in an abusive relationship. When clearly people in abusive relationships do have sex, thus this point is not a qualifier. Abuse comes in many forms. Some abuse may include no sex at all. Others may include a healthy amount of sex. You make no differentiation here, but that abusive relationships include no sex at all.

                Secondly, a significant part of our traffic comes from people who pass by and don’t take the time to get to know the ins and outs of your quirky humor. It’s why the Tyler Perry piece took off. As someone whose written online for years you should know better than to assume the average web user isn’t reading the ENTIRE site to get your brand of humor. Also, whose to say victims of abuse are NOT googling the web looking for help since this issue is one laden with shame when it comes to real life interaction with others?

                Your “cup of tea” argument is irresponsible. This is not some parody issue nor is it one to be taken lightly. I don’t have an issue with speaking on the topic in general but the titling of the post, and the authority of which it purports is what bothers me, in addition to the point we have been arguing over (ie it’s probably inaccurate and well, you’re not en expert on this topic anyway, so why position the title/post as such?).

                • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

                  “You make no differentiation here, but that abusive relationships include no sex at all. ”

                  ii didn’t say or even imply this. just because i think that a couple that doesn’t have sex (for the reasons i listed above) might be in an abusive relationship doesn’t mean that i think that every abusive relationship = no sex. you made quite a leap with that inference.

                  “Secondly, a significant part of our traffic comes from people who pass by and don’t take the time to get to know the ins and outs of your quirky humor. As someone whose written online for years you should know better than to assume the average web user isn’t reading the ENTIRE site to get your brand of humor.”

                  it’s not that i assume that people are going to “get” me. but, whether they do or not isn’t my concern. it’s not my job to hold people’s hands and let them know what’s serious and what’s not. if they can’t make that distinction, then, well, VSB isn’t the place for them to be, and I’m sure they’ll quickly figure that out.

                  • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com/ Sage jr

                    WORD!

                    • GuestOfTheDay

                      Is this entire thread a sign that the VSB parents are in a grown a$$ relationship? Yes? No? Carry on mom and dad …dont mind us the kids.

    • Spence

      I am an abuser. I have never hit a woman and never will. We all are abusive towards each other in some way. If I did not see “Rio” with my lady last night, there would no loving until next piece of jewelry. We all are abusive on some level.

      • Yoles

        @spence

        is that abuse or manipulation? two different things

        • Sula

          From my vantage point, it’s the same thing going by different names. Manipulation IS abuse.

        • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com/ Sage jr

          @Yoles
          Naw, manipulation and abuse are simply seen as different but the sentiment overlaps. Abuse is misuse plain and simple. Manipulation is only seen as different because it isn’t directly related to usage in general. Let it be known, if not all, much of manipulation is abusive.
          And just because we don’t like the way stuff sounds, we go haywire? I could understand if it was just wrong but because it sounds politically incorrect we get all up in arms? Discussion flies out the window the moment that happens. Deal with your demons first, then sit at the GROWN FOLKS TABLE.

          @Everyone going in on YaleGent

          Calling people names, and attacking the merit of their argument based on the imagery instead of the argument(attacking the symbol of the thought instead of the message of the thought).
          Lets be real…or why bother? You might as well be sipping tea and imagining your future husbands and wives.#growup. Truth be told, you can only speak for yourself and unless he mentioned you directly, he ain’t talking about you and yours. Maybe there is some merit to what he said. But making accusations, slandering and outright discouraging his perspective is the absolute opposite of growth, which, as I remember it, is often a difficult and uncomfortable process with no well refined guidelines but a bunch of direction. Explore the inner you with caution and diligence.
          Much love…

          • YaleGent

            I appreciate you !

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Yes Liz, they have s.ex and lots of it but it’s not so much the s.ex that saves their relationship but the intimacy. I hear alot of women justify the abuse by saying how much the man shows affection in other areas. They need it in order to feel loved. The abuser also uses it as a way to control. They often want to make love to the woman right after abusing her so she’ll feel loved and stay.

      • Yoles

        SFG

        this is correct!! i have had litterally hundreds of interviews with women in abusive relationships as well as hundreds of refferals to Safe Horizon… i can honestly say that sex was never an issue in their relationships. actually sex was usually passionate and filled with orgasms. from my observations these men crave, want and manipulate for complete control and providing women with mind blowing sex, drowning her in oxytocin and also using this pleasure and psuedo intimacy to apologize helps create the cycle of “hurt then apologize then please or do something nice then stay then repeat”

        • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

          Dark Game in extremis. How very unfortunate.

          O.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Smh so true girl

  • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/2011/04/21/search-and-seizure/ Naturally Alise

    As someone who has been in 1 abusive relationship, and got out of another right before some abuse was about to go down I do see a similar attribute and that is a man with no true friends, or at least with no close buddies has a huge potential to be an abuser with a red flag growing out of his scalp instead of hair.
    (I reread this and this is the most run-oningest sentence ever)

    • Observer

      Curious, Naturally Alise, what do you think explains men having no friends being abusive?

      • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/2011/04/21/search-and-seizure/ Naturally Alise

        I think there a couple parts to it: First off they have more time to concentrate on your every move and stew and be jealous and generally creepy. Also I feel they have no one to vent to or to hold up a mirror to their potential or current behavior. Not having friends is also problematic in other relationship areas. It just ain’t ideal worf a danm…

        • http://tdlove.wordpress.com Tonya

          They can also use their loneliness to emotionally blackmail you into feeling sorry for them and to give them the benefit of the doubt when they become possessive of you and your time/attention.

          In general, a partner who is lacking in their own social connection outside of you..is a red flag.

      • Squeak

        The biggest thing is they have no accountability. A brotha who has friends, will have somebody to say “yo dude, u know u shouldn’t be treatin your lady like that.”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I do see a similar attribute and that is a man with no true friends, or at least with no close buddies has a huge potential to be an abuser with a red flag growing out of his scalp instead of hair.”

      i can see this.

    • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

      I agree. Also some elements of an abuser is a selfishness that doesn’t fly with peers. A true peer will pull your card and won’t engage in the shenanigans.

      • Sula

        a selfishness that doesn’t fly with peers.

        Yup. As someone said above, no accountability, a need for control, all those things don’t bode well for friendships… so abusers are usually loners with no real friends (and often lots of acquaintances).

  • TheRealestLeo

    I’m still wondering why Brandon felt the need to lie about what happened….Fell on a broken vase? Really, dude? Maybe there’s more to the story than what’s been released. She’s saying she did it in self-defense….he’s acting like it was all a freak accident.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      He felt the need to lie because he might be ashamed to admit his woman beats on him, at least enough to do any real damage that requires medical attention. He still has some pride, I’m sure.

      • TheRealestLeo

        I can see that, but lying in this case could also be misconstrued as him covering up for something he did….especially since his wife already said it was in self-defense.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          You hit the nail on the head Leo.

        • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

          @Leo, That makes sense. Tiger did it and Andre Risen did it after Left Eye burned his house up.

        • Nina

          I’ve never commented on here before BUT I do troll the comments lol

          Brandon is a well-known abuser —
          This has been going on for YEARS.
          ESPN Spotlight: “Outside The Lines: Brandon Marshall’s Past”
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4A756xTC0s

          • TheRealestLeo

            That’s all I was saying….Lying about the incident makes even less sense now that it’s been proven that Marshall has a past of domestic violence.

            That’s like that one drunk uncle you got that comes to the family picnics swearing up and down he’s not drunk….while staggering and smelling like he just downed a whole fifth of Maker’s Mark.

      • Lina

        What’s interesting is that I never considered his wife as being the abuser. I just figured she got fed up with the abuse and decided to lash out. In my mind, he lied so people wouldn’t call him a woman abuser.

        What I don’t understand is why did he press charges, if he lied about what really happened. That doesn’t make sense to me.

        • ofella

          Victims don’t press charges, the D.A. makes that decision.

          • Lina

            oh, alright. i knew i was missing some piece of vital information

          • V Renee

            yeah if there are indisputable signs of abuse (i.e. knife wounds to the stomach), the DA will go ahead and process, despite if the victim recants or doesn’t show up for court.

            • WestPointProper

              if there are indisputable signs of abuse (i.e. knife wounds to the stomach)…

              dead.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          Maybe he pressed charges to lock her up or shame her into not acting out again….and thought he could get away with the lies.

      • mateosmuse

        I’ve read the reports on these two and I don’t get the feeling they’re in a mutually abusive relationship at all. I think this dude straight up beats her, and she retaliated out of self-defence. Kitchen knife in the gut? Nah, this girl was petrified for her life. And him lying about what happened screams guilt to me.

        • Girl Kanyeshrug

          He may have lied because he had been hitting her and didn’t want the whole story to come out.
          If he had talked then she would have told EVERYTHING

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I’ve read the reports on these two and I don’t get the feeling they’re in a mutually abusive relationship at all. I think this dude straight up beats her, and she retaliated out of self-defence.”

          that’s funny because I get the exact opposite impression from them. i just get the feeling that they’re one of those couples who are doing the screaming/breaking furniture/video recorded make-up sex thing like once a month.

          • http://eboneeyes.wordpress.com Eb

            Funny thing is I just read this article and then came over for my daily dose of VSB and ka-plow! here it is…lol. From the other incidents they described it sounds like both of them have the potential to get out of hand from time to time. This isnt their first run in with the domestice violence issue. HE seems to be quite careless with his hands AND with his lies. One report revealed he’d but his arm through a TV screen. At first he said he slipped on a food wrapper, then shortly after it was revelaed he was wrestling with family. They’re both gonna need some strong counseling. But I BET MONEY she’s not going anywhere!!!!!

            • WestPointProper

              But I BET MONEY she’s not going anywhere!!!!!

              THIS!!!!!

    • http://www.twitter.com/drrdb TWIsM81

      Well if she truly did stab him out of self-defense, he wouldn’t want the cops knowing he was stabbed in the attempt of beatin’ her ass. Football players who beat their wives tend to end up in bad situations *cough O.J. cough*.

      • TheRealestLeo

        True, but what was lying about it gonna prove? Once she came out and said “self-defense”….that’s pretty much all the fodder the average legal system would need to get to investigatin’.

        • Girl Kanyeshrug

          If you say ANYTHING to the police (especially something that lays blame on anyone) just know it can be used against YOU in the end no matter what you say…
          If he has been in trouble before I am sure he has lawyers and advisors who have told him as much…

          • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

            He has been. They had a previous incident a while back (I want to say it was a few years ago).

            • http://eboneeyes.wordpress.com Eb

              yeah they were kicking and punching each other in public!…lol. my people, my people. from the looks of it he trusted a big butt and a smile. and she trusted those millions of dollars. they both probably have mexican jumping beans in their blood…lol

      • bumilla

        100% confirmed and agreed.

    • jasmine

      Sounds like he tried to pull a tiger woods and she tried a lorenna bobbit but missed. Black love at its finest.

      • coldsweat3

        LOL yall do realize they interrogate people in seperate rooms right? Im sure Brandon stated the vase scenario independent of his wife’s self defense claim.

        Also, I would be hesitant to say this is a mutually abusive relationship. Most domestic abusive relationships are not mutual. She can bring evidence of battered women’s syndrome to help beat the charge. Glad she stabbed the ninja if he was beating her. Problem solved.

      • V Renee

        Black love at its finest. .

        No no no! I’m not claiming that bs!

        • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

          Yes @ V Renee. Let me add 3 more “no’s”. No. No. No.

          • Sula

            And here goes a 4th one: NO!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I’m still wondering why Brandon felt the need to lie about what happened….Fell on a broken vase? Really, dude? Maybe there’s more to the story than what’s been released.”

      again, i’m thinking this is a common thing between them that just got a little out of hand this time.

      • Girl Kanyeshrug

        a little out of hand ??????

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          just a tad

    • niksmit

      There’s always more to the story, but abuse victims lie about it all the time. It’s very textbook. They don’t want the abuser in jail, they still love them.

      Also, if this is a toxic, mutually abusive relationship then of course he’s covering up his part in the drama.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      He lied out of guilt. He knew HE was abusing HER and didn’t want to see her go to jail.

      • miss t-lee

        This was my answer.

      • YaleGent

        I agree,

      • TheRealestLeo

        Exactly…because he knows that as soon as she gets locked up, he’s not far benind her. And that fat contract he just signed is out the window, Gilbert Arenas-style.

        • TheRealestLeo

          Damn typos….”far behind her”.

          I’m excited this morning….I have 21 days left in Korea!

  • http://brotherjamesthetastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

    1. When they talk to you like ish and are nice to you all in the same sentence. On a serious tip, and not just joking.

    I mean one minute they’re talking to you all regular, then they snap and talk about how horrible you are at something, then act as if they said nothing.

    2. If you don’t hear from one or more of the parties much. And when you do, they’re either mum on talking about the relationship, or they’re declining to hang out because of some undisclosed reason.

    3. The looks they give each other in public/private. You can just tell.

    4. General bad feeling of evil juju surrounding the couple when they’re together. You can feel the ill intent.

    These signs may or may not be obvious, but they were things that I saw when around these “couples”.

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      “General bad feeling of evil juju surrounding the couple when they’re together. You can feel the ill intent.”

      You can definitely feel it…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “4. General bad feeling of evil juju surrounding the couple when they’re together. You can feel the ill intent.”

      yeah, that’s that mickey and mallory sh*t

    • http://naturallyalise.com/blog/2011/04/21/search-and-seizure/ Naturally Alise

      Yes, when all you see is a person’s extremes and never a happy medium it is problematic… Untreated bipolar disorder is a guarantee for off the wall behavior!

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    “…some people “float to trouble like fried chicken crumbs to seat cushions.””

    MAN, that is a poignant arse statement. Fried chicken crumbs STAY invading seat cushions, which is why I believe someone is out to get Black folks. Conspiracy!

    “Also, although men get the bulk of the abuser blame, do you think there’s any truth to the idea that women are frequently just as (if not more) abusive?”

    Sure women can be just as abusive. What makes it worse is when women take advantage of the societal pardon (in regards to abusing in general) they’re given…

    • DG

      What makes it worse is when women take advantage of the societal pardon (in regards to abusing in general) they’re given…

      Y’know, while I wholeheartedly agree with you, I kinda wonder if men are somewhat to blame for this….I suspect most men are somewhat hesitant to call the police on a woman he’s currently dating or recently dated if she was the one getting physical/doing abusive stuff. I think the abuse has to be d@mn near fatal before men will call 911….lots of stuff probably never gets reported. I mean, how often do keyed cars, slashed tires, or busted windows get reported to the police?

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        I DEFINITELY think that’s a factor, actually.

      • Tx10inch

        Women are just as abusive. My ex had so much built up anger towards me she punched me in my face four times! Did I mention while I was rockin my infant child back to sleep?!? It happened so fast and I was half sleep (it was 3am) that when I caught tha first three I was really flabbergasted. Tha last one caught me on my way up going to set my daughter down. Needless to say after my ex awoke from her choke induced slumber, me and my kids were gone!

        She had the nerve to file a police report on me when I responded in self defense. I should’ve filed one first, but my only concern was gettin my kids outta that situation. That was the last straw in a very bad relationship. Love doesn’t hurt, and people aren’t punchin bags. When it turns abusive in ANY way, it’s time to leave ladies AND men!

        • mateosmuse

          Wow, this happens all the time but people hardly speak about it. While u had yr child in your arms, damn!

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          O_O

          OMG, that is horrible!

        • miss t-lee

          “Tha last one caught me on my way up going to set my daughter down. Needless to say after my ex awoke from her choke induced slumber, me and my kids were gone! ”
          Wow.

      • WIP

        “I mean, how often do keyed cars, slashed tires, or busted windows get reported to the police?”

        I thought about this too; it seems like some men are more strict about not talking to the police and not involving the law. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re afraid it’ll somehow be turned around on them or if they have the “no snitching” mentality. For women this is loosened a little bit when it comes to DV, but for women it’s frowned upon sometimes to “lock a man up” (when it’s a punch as opposed to getting beat half-to-death).

        • Girl Kanyeshrug

          Well also, as soon as you involve the police in ANYTHING, stuff gets really complicated really really fast.
          Once stuff ‘goes on record’, you are in for it.

          Try it one day and you will see how heavy things get and how fast it gets that way…its no fun.

          • WIP

            Honestly, I didn’t find that to be true. I’ve called the police for others and I don’t know the details of what happened but in my situations, there was little complication. Of course the men were clearly in the wrong and there was little dispute. I’m not sure how that would work for a man though.

            • DG

              Like I said above, I think it’s very rare for a man to call for help if he’s being abused. He may be literally bleeding out before he calls 911. Also, I wonder how often outside ppl, such as yourself, call the police if the abuse is being perpetrated by the woman…

              • WIP

                I have yet to know of abuse perpetrated by a woman anywhere around me.

              • Dimaati

                “Also, I wonder how often outside ppl, such as yourself, call the police if the abuse is being perpetrated by the woman…”

                In most cases, it’s usually other people that will call the cops anyway, not the man being abused. Or that’s what I noticed living where I live. Young Black girl was yelling & hitting her man in front of a bus stop & dang near everyone called the cops. When I called, dispatch said they had at least 14 different people call in.

                Thing is, after the cops are called & the guy doesn’t press charges, there’s not much recourse for men to get out of those situations. DV centers are equipped to help men but many if any, don’t take advantage of the systems in place.

          • WestPointProper

            Because we’ve already established there are instantly break-upable offenses. Sometimes you want them to experience the pain without the departure.

      • V Renee

        Not Usher. He called the police when Tammy (I know her name is Tameka, I just like nicknames) scratched up his car.

        • Girl Kanyeshrug

          I thought that was low of him btw…

          • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

            It wasn’t low when she was scratchin’ up the car? I’m sorry, but if a person is foul, no amount of famous is an excuse to let anything ride. Matter of fact, if your are famous with something to lose from bad press, I don’t blame him for calling the authorities.

            • Sula

              Exactly!!
              You are destroying my property dang it!

          • Rogman

            why?

            • Girl Kanyeshrug

              I think he did it to get her in trouble because he was angry

              Angry that he married her
              Angry that the press talked bad about him because of her
              Angry because she more or less embarrassed him with the whole plastic surgery thing
              Angry because of all the people asking him why he married a stylist (when he could do better)
              Angry because he ‘let Chilli go” and people won’t let him forget it
              Angry because his mama went on VH1 behind the music and refused to talk about Tameka

              JUST ANGRY with her and wanting to hurt her for a mistake that really he made.
              If I thought he called the police with the mindset of “this car keying is a crime” I wouldn’t care.

          • V Renee

            Shhhiiiidddddd I don’t. I would have called if i were him too.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I mean, how often do keyed cars, slashed tires, or busted windows get reported to the police?”

        good point

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    Women are statistically more violent than men in relationships, however men are more likely to inflict serious injuries. I get the statistics when I post again in the morning. Another sign that someone is in an abusive relationship is how and how often they communicate with people. People in abusive relationship more-often-than-not reel back from everything else in the world and begin to sever relationships with those who they previously close to.

    • TheQueenWithTheNappyHair

      I agree…Cutting yourself off from all your family, friends and support systems is one of the first stages. Eventually the abuser is all the relationship the abused has left

    • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

      you have to qualify your definition of the word violent dude.

      • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

        Women are more apt to put their hands on a man in an attempt to do harm.

        • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik
        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          You shouldn’t take everything you read as fact. This statement is relative. The intention of the abuser does not equal who abuses more. There are hard core statistics that prove MEN abuse more often than women whether it be acts of violence, words, s.exual assault, etc. Nice try. :)

          • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

            O, no I’m not saying that. But women always like to pretend that they impervious to abusing men. And some feminist go as far as preaching that if women weren’t in relationships with men, there wouldn’t be any abuse. Which is an outright lie because abuse in homosexual relationships occur in the same frequency as heterosexual ones.

            • http://lizburr.com Liz

              But women always like to pretend that they impervious to abusing men. But some women like to pretend that they impervious to abusing men.

              There, I fixed that for you.

    • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/2c55fb22ab4d433dc3fb875db79c619d.png insertwittyacronym

      interesting…i was all prepared to claim patriarchy and misogyny on this statement but nope quick internet peruse and i found this: Surveys find that men and women assault one another and strike the first blow at approximately equal rates. (Archer, J. (2000). Sex differences in aggression between heterosexual partners: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 126 (5), 651-680.
      and http://www.csulb.edu/~mfiebert/assault.htm
      it appears that our feminine nature is quite ferocious.
      However, men are still more likely to use sexual coercion and intimidation. Homicide by domestic partner occurs at a rate of 3 to 1 (women:men) **strong sigh**
      another red flag of an abusive relationship is *escalating* drug use and psychological disorders.

  • Caballeroso

    “Can you think of any more signs that a person might be in an abusive relationship?”

    I imagine that someone in an abusive relationship would find herself constantly making excuses:

    Excuses for why she fell once again and hit her head on the corner of the coffee table ending up with a black eye (or once again fell down the stairs, etc..),

    Excuses for why once again she’s having to cancel plans at the last minute,

    Excuses for why he means well, he just can’t control his emotions sometimes,

    Excuses for why he really is a good person if you only knew him like she knows him, or

    Excuses for why she can handle it and if he takes it out on her, he won’t take it out on the children/others.

    • http://tdlove.wordpress.com Tonya

      Yep.

    • http://www.alovelydai.com Alovelydai

      Everything Caballeroso said!

    • Squeak

      dag…this sounds like an inlaw of mine. Constantly claiming that THIS is the last time and she aint goin back.

  • TheQueenWithTheNappyHair

    5. is so so true. Even in non-romantic abusive relationships I think this holds true. I’ve definitely had a friendship that had to end because I noticed I was getting more and more passive aggressive and sabotaging in response to the other person’s emotional abuse, when I’d never been that way before. You definitely can start to be abusive just to keep from being the one always hurt.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Hmmm interesting points.

    • Aisha

      I see this too. Abuse is not exclusive to romantic relationships.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Even in non-romantic abusive relationships I think this holds true. I’ve definitely had a friendship that had to end because I noticed I was getting more and more passive aggressive and sabotaging in response to the other person’s emotional abuse, when I’d never been that way before. You definitely can start to be abusive just to keep from being the one always hurt.”

      yea, the abusive friendship is something people don’t really talk about. and, i think no one talks about it because this usually doesn’t happen with men at all, so there’s no real sympathy or empathy.

  • http://www.twitter.com/drrdb TWIsM81

    I think I’ma just sit the bleachers for this one. *looks for a new snack besides popcorn*

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      how come?

      • http://www.twitter.com/drrdb TWIsM81

        I guess I’ve just been lucky and haven’t been too close to an abusive relationship (at least not that I know of). So I just don’t have too much to add other than stuff from Psych texts. Sometimes it’s just good to listen.

        • http://www.twitter.com/drrdb TWIsM81

          Aaannnnd though it hasn’t happened yet, I’m waiting to see this turn into an “Angry Black Woman” discussion.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          gotcha. makes sense.

    • http://twitter.com/kjnetic peter parker

      *tosses you a Snickers and a Beer*

      *hops up into the bleachers as well*

      • Eddie_Brock

        *shares case of Corona and bottle opener with other bleacher guests*
        I’m sort of opinionated on this issue too, and as such would rather spectate. But I will say this, if your partner assaults you and you stay I feel absolutely no sympathy for you.
        *shares limes with the crew*

        • http://www.twism.com/drrdb TWIsM81

          *mixes a Jack and Ginger* Peter, Eddie, y’all good?

          • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

            Man, I’m pulling up a chair by y’all. Ay, anyone got some cards? We could get a couple of spades games in while all this is going on.

            • http://www.twism.com/drrdb TWIsM81

              Hey, B Brown. You play Ace high or 2 high?

              Hey, Panama, what’s happenin’ with that Spades with Homies app you workin’ on?

              • http://thejahfiles.blogspot.com/ B. Brown

                Either/or: I’m versatile. As long as I know the rules of the table beforehand, I’m cool.

              • WIP

                We can’t get some Bid Whist going though?

            • http://twitter.com/TheHumanSp1d3r The Human Spider

              *Comes out of the shadows with a root beer, two slices of pizza, a deck of playing cards and a deck of Uno cards.*

              Got ‘em right here. I dunno how to play Spades though…

        • WestPointProper

          But I will say this, if your partner assaults you and you stay I feel absolutely no sympathy for you.

          I used to be with you on this one, but this situation can get reeeaaaallll sticky and tricky. Where you and I are throwing the *you stupid side-eye* when we see people getting abused and not leaving with a quickness, there are often children, finances, and that damned thing called hope, romanticized (i.e., he’ll stop, I can change her, he’s at a low point right now and I need to be encouraging, when I said ride or die, I meant it, etc.), involved that become major complicators.

          • WIP

            I have to half-heartedly agree with Eddie-Brock. No one deserves it, but if you go back again and again it becomes hard to be seen as a victim. IMO, children are the last reason- what if the spouse starts beating on the kids too? That’s even more reason to leave. I can understand being scared when you have no place to go though; I’ve been to the shelter for a night and it was not comfortable. But it seems, when your life and possibly your child’s life is clearly in danger, you run and you call the police. I’m not sure there’s a logical deviation from that.

            We rarely sympathize with addicts even though we know there are myriad family and psychological issues that could push a person to that point. Similarly, it’s hard to sympatize with women that insist on being with abusers even though we recognize the skewed logic behind it. My personal experience was that I just got fed up.

            • WestPointProper

              In some cases, DV shelters won’t allow you to bring your children which is unfortunate as all heez. That was the specific instance I was thinking of.

              I’ve know victims/survivors of DV and have asked them what it took, and they too said “enough was enough/they just got fed up”. But when asked what we can do for other women in that situation, they said they too just have to get fed up. Unfortunately some women’s threshold for BS just isn’t low enough, or have one of the aforementioned symptoms complicating it,

              • WIP

                Wow, was it that there was a separate shelter for the children?

  • Caballeroso

    Can you think of any more signs that a person might be in an abusive relationship?

    When he lifts his hand to get the waiter’s attention and she ducks.

    • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      Agreed.

    • http://GenevaGirl.net Geneva Girl

      You’re too funny!

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        Is thinking that was meant to be funny another sign?

    • Sula

      OMG, something happened yesterday that had me thrown! I was at walmart doing a quick last minute run for Easter stuff, and I had some paper trash that I needed to get rid of… a wrapper or some such… I made it into a ball and because I was in a hurry, kinda tossed it in the trash which was slightly far away from where I was (didn’t want to make a detour)… Can you believe that a guy on the other side of the can actually ducked??? Like instinctively! I was taken aback and we locked eyes… I thought, boy, this guy must be on the receiving end of lots of things being tossed at him if that was his first response.

      It really startled me. Must be tough constantly living in fear like this. :(