Abigail Fisher, The Oscar Mayer Turkey Bacon Of Average White Women, Loses
Half-empty bottle of backwashed room temperature Aquafina Abigail Fisher finally (!) lost her years-long bid to have the Supreme Court recognize her hawkish and pandemic averageness as fucking special.
In a victory for diversity in higher education, a hamstrung Supreme Court narrowly upheld the affirmative action program at the University of Texas at Austin, effectively allowing the school to keep using race as one of many factors in its admissions process.
Justice Anthony Kennedy — joined by Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen Breyer and Sonia Sotomayor — ruled for a 4-3 majority that the university program does not violate the Constitution’s guarantee of equal protection of the laws.
“The Court’s affirmance of the University’s admissions policy today does not necessarily mean the University may rely on that same policy without refinement,” Kennedy wrote. “It is the University’s ongoing obligation to engage in constant deliberation and continued reflection regarding its admissions policies.”
This decision is a major blow to 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier-ass White people who wish to be treated like Maseratis. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being a White person. (Hi White people reading this!) Or even being an average White person. Most people — Black, White, Kappa, etc — are average people. Because math. But there is something particularly and specifically American wrong with reflexively assuming that the reason why your second Wednesday in March-ass ass was passed over was because you happen to be a White woman. And then being so hurt by this fabricated wrong that you take your regifted bottle of three-year-old Almaden Heritage-ass ass to the Supreme Court.
That said, Fisher still actually wins. Because while Affirmative Action lives to see another day, the people who’ve benefited most from it are…White women. So she can rest easy knowing that there will always be a place for her aggressively average-ass ass to land comfortably and prosperously. Because America.