Abigail Fisher, The Oscar Mayer Turkey Bacon Of Average White Women, Loses » VSB

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Abigail Fisher, The Oscar Mayer Turkey Bacon Of Average White Women, Loses

Half-empty bottle of backwashed room temperature Aquafina Abigail Fisher finally (!) lost her years-long bid to have the Supreme Court recognize her hawkish and pandemic averageness as fucking special.

From The Huffington Post:

In a victory for diversity in higher education, a hamstrung Supreme Court narrowly upheld the affirmative action program at the University of Texas at Austin, effectively allowing the school to keep using race as one of many factors in its admissions process.

Justice Anthony Kennedy — joined by Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen Breyer and Sonia Sotomayor — ruled for a 4-3 majority that the university program does not violate the Constitution’s guarantee of equal protection of the laws.

“The Court’s affirmance of the University’s admissions policy today does not necessarily mean the University may rely on that same policy without refinement,” Kennedy wrote. “It is the University’s ongoing obligation to engage in constant deliberation and continued reflection regarding its admissions policies.”

This decision is a major blow to 2002 Chevrolet Cavalier-ass White people who wish to be treated like Maseratis. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being a White person. (Hi White people reading this!) Or even being an average White person. Most people — Black, White, Kappa, etc — are average people. Because math. But there is something particularly and specifically American wrong with reflexively assuming that the reason why your second Wednesday in March-ass ass was passed over was because you happen to be a White woman. And then being so hurt by this fabricated wrong that you take your regifted bottle of three-year-old Almaden Heritage-ass ass to the Supreme Court.

That said, Fisher still actually wins. Because while Affirmative Action lives to see another day, the people who’ve benefited most from it are…White women.  So she can rest easy knowing that there will always be a place for her aggressively average-ass ass to land comfortably and prosperously. Because America.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • JennyJazzhands

    I see that I have to come in here and cape for turkey bacon…again.

    • Proverbs31WIFE!

      I’m eating the REAL bacon as we speak, PIG!

      • brothaskeeper

        God knows your heart.

    • Tee

      I’m with you. I was like dang what turkey bacon do to Champ?

      • JennyJazzhands

        I know! And then it had to be the brand that I currently have in my refrigerator too?

      • MsCee

        #TeamTurkeyBacon

      • rahshedah

        Be made of turkey.

    • kingpinenut

      Turkey bacon is an abomination….

      #IRebukeThee

    • Mortal Man

      Had to give it up. Not because I don’t like it. It would just always make me sleepy.

      I do kale and scrambled eggs every morning now.

      • JennyJazzhands

        That sounds delicious.

        • Mortal Man

          Relatively low calorie, high protein! I use a little Creole seasoning and olive oil as well.

    • Val

      You know that me and you are cool, right? But, I can’t back you on this one.

      *slowly walks away*

      • JennyJazzhands

        That’s cool. I don’t need back up.

    • Mizwest

      For those that don’t eat swine, and aren’t into turkey bacon….is Beef Bacon a thing? I haven’t seen or heard of such a thing until talking to friend recently and I’m like where do I find this?

      • JennyJazzhands

        Never heard of it. But, if you find it let me know. I’d be willing to try it.

        • Mizwest

          I’m now on a mission to find and try it. Apparently in Philly they have it.

          • grownandsexy2

            Yes, they do have it here in Philly. Everywhere. I see it all the time but have never bought any. I like my swine (Oscar Meyer is the best) and turkey bacon.

      • Buster Cannon

        I’ve seen it at the local Amish market. Haven’t tried it myself, but I’m sure it’s good since everything else there is good lol

        • Mizwest

          We have some Amish communities up here in Washington state….I’m going to do some research to find out where their markets are located.

        • Mizwest

          My local butcher has it!

      • dmcmillian72

        My Sister is Muslim and swears by it when she can find it. I don’t care for it. Any that she’s bought and had me try has this weird strip of gristle down the middle of it that grosses me out. *BLECH*

        • Mizwest

          LOL. I’ve been pondering giving up pork, so I’m looking into different alternatives besides turkey.

      • Junegirl627

        Yes but it’s hella expensive

      • Junegirl627
        • Mizwest

          Oh wow, learn something new everyday! Thanks!

  • Nik White

    AMEN! SELAH! FIN!

  • KMN

    Just this entire article is high larry us…well put…
    And yes to their averageness…fuck them…esp when I have to work 5 times as hard and you get praised for doing less than 1/2 of my 1/5 of work…and then I gotta do that too…ugh
    I need to go home because this is personally hitting me with these summanabeeches I work with

    • jovent

      No fuck you. In reality, blacks need affirmative action because they can’t compete to white standards in general. The fact is blacks have the lowest IQ of all races of people.

      • brothaskeeper

        Or maybe we make achievements look so easy, and your small mind is too feeble to comprehend such greatness that you feel the need to move the goalpost in the middle of the game. Have a seat in that corner and await one of us to collect a bottle of your freshest tears. We’ll play music while you wait.

        • KMN

          I’m ignoring the trolls today…I don’t have the patience for fuckery this morning…i’ll just continue working, commenting and whatnot…while allowing them to have their say…you know opinionsassholes we all have one…

        • jovent

          What achievements do you have?

          • brothaskeeper

            Enough that I don’t have to dignify your insipid questions or comments with a response. Be gone, troll.

      • Why are you mad, son?

        Was she your prom date?

        Seems like her IQ is pretty low…

        *laughs in white tears*

        • AnswerMe

          They always start a cussin when they big mad.

        • jovent

          abby got 1180 on her SATs. The national black average SAT score is 800. So if she’s average, what are blacks? Most blacks are well below average. That’s why everywhere you people live is a ghetto.

          • Welp… it may have been about 25 years ago but my scores for SAT were 1250 and my ACT’s were a 23… still better than Abby… Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….again- you keep feeding white mediocrity as an equivalent to black excellence. And every school that i applied to… accepted me WITH a scholarship. Try harder.

      • Trixie

        No, fuck YOU. It’s well known that internet racist trolls have the lowest IQ of any sentient being.

        Delete your account.

        • La’Marisa-Andrea

          When your entire life is about trolling on the internet deleting is the only option. LMAO.

          “Don’t feed the animals.”

  • Mr. Quojo .

    She would’ve been better off if she had of used Rachel Dolezal’s defense that she identifies as a minority.

    • KMN

      No sir…just no lmao…Rachel is three too many of her kind we good lol

      • Mr. Quojo .

        There Can Never be enough of this peak Whiteness! Never!

        • KMN

          ROFL

        • rahshedah

          I hope her edges fall out.

  • JennyJazzhands

    1. Did her attorneys tell her she needed to look as ugly and as bland as raw chicken for the press pictures?
    2. She could have completed a whole year of school somewhere else and just transferred at this point?
    3. I’m going to go ahead and assume that she’s well below average to not get into uta.

    • Proverbs31WIFE!

      Woi! #1. ——->Mortuary…….>Heaven Bound…..>Arrived to seek solace in the arms of Jesus.

    • KMN

      Did her attorneys tell her she needed to look as ugly and as bland as raw chicken for the press pictures?
      Chile listen…she looks like a cartoon character she so pale and doughy looking…I want to poke her in the stomach before baking her like wtf?

      • Lisa Glam

        !!!!!This!!!!!?????

    • AnswerMe

      Summed up all my feelings. And I guess they told her to throw on the most mother of the bride looking top/dress she could find. #mission accomplished.

      • JennyJazzhands

        That’s tripping me out. Usually when rich people go fishing for a case/cause to take to court they include attractiveness as a plus.
        A little moisturizer and a nice suit and she wouldn’t look like raw chicken on camera.

        • AnswerMe

          Maybe to make her appear younger/innocent…but it wasn’t worth it.

          • JennyJazzhands

            Fam, the only way you would get me to appear in public with a dry face, unbrushed eyebrows and wearing one of my Nana’s deaconess suits, is cold hard cash.

            • AnswerMe

              I moisturize every day but makeup only makes it on me during weekends mostly. Or if I feel fancy and feel like slapping some on. She looks purposely unpolished.

            • jovent

              I am not a supporter of Affirmative Action. The vast majority of blacks don’t accomplish anything on merit and are held to lower academic standards on average than whites and Asians. That being said, the reason
              why I believe that the supreme court made the right decision about Ms.
              Fisher is due to the fact that she was the wrong person to pick. Her SAT
              scores, 1180 out of 1600 and high school GPA 3.1, were slightly above
              average at best. Secondly,18% of Black and Hispanic students with GPA
              and test scores higher than hers were denied admission while 22% of
              White students with lower SAT’s and weaker GPA’s were granted admission.

              Blacks tend to perform poorly on all the mental aptitude tests
              however they are designed. They tend to perform poorly in the class room
              and on any job requiring intelligence.

              I believe the reasons for
              this are genetic. Even if I am mistaken these differences mean that any
              organization that practices affirmative action reduces its
              effectiveness.

              • If you are ignored will you slither back to that cave from whence you crawled?

              • BlackAllDay

                I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

              • Mary Burrell

                Go crawl back in your sewer. You human excrement.?

              • JennyJazzhands

                Still fishing for relevance, huh?

                • Mochasister

                  Kind of makes you wonder. Why is he bothering with people who are beneath him and incapable of understanding his arguments?

              • AOM

                LOL you really think people care what you think and that just by existing you have credibility. Typical.

              • be kind

                jovent – It is puzzling to me that you seem to think that anyone here in this comment section gives a rip what your opinions are.

              • JoeNCA

                “Blacks tend to…”

                So let’s judge someone based on their membership in a group, not by their actual individual performance.

                Yeah, not racist at all.

            • Substantial cash

            • be kind

              I wouldn’t put it past the Heritage Foundation to have paid her a little and consulted with her on what to wear. They needed her as a plaintiff and they surely knew how they wanted her to look.

              • Nik White

                With a capital PLAINtiff.

              • grownandsexy2

                This is part of their “strategy.” To make her look innocent and evoke sympathy for her azz.

          • Persia

            Delicate porcelain flower would be my guess. Poor baby, someone was mean to her by not giving her the college admission she wanted.

          • Mochasister

            Truly it wasn’t. I don’t think it helped her case at all. Many people dragged her on the net for her looks. Superficial? Yes. But to me it just looked like she rolled out of bed and kept going. If I knew that I was going to be in papers or on tv, I would definitely put my best face game on that I could. But you know you don’t have to try as hard when you’re a mediocre white woman.

    • jovent

      Yeah, but all blacks are well below average in general. Blacks have the lowest IQs of all groups of people. She was a good student and they’re many blacks at her school who are worst students than her. And white women don’t benefit from affirmative action. WW are not getting into to school with substandard test scores like blacks are.

      • AnswerMe

        *there are

        • Bloop

        • worse students

          • Mochasister

            Don’t you hate it when ignorant trolls don’t have knowledge of simple grammar? If you’re going to spew hateful or untrue vitriol, at least do it with basic fifth grade grammar.

        • jovent

          Don’t need grammar lessons from blacks who are the most illiterate group of people in the world. English is my 4th language. You people can barely speak one.

          • They must have let the Aryan meeting out early…

          • Ariel Jackson

            So you speak troll, basement, incest then English?

          • Guest

            But you’re the most illiterate person here and can barely speak English yourself. You need to change that 4 to a 3.

      • Did you go to that school? #GrammarLivesMatter

        • Yomama

          Heeheehee!

        • Mika

          #iheartgrammarsnobs

      • Tee

        Are your Google alerts set up for “white tears”, “mediocre-a s s white people” or “turkey bacon”?

        • Multi-Hundredaire

          Let’s leave turkey bacon out of this. It is a healthy and tasty alternative. Some days you just don’t feel like gettin’ a forearm full of grease scorch marks.

          • Tee

            I like turkey bacon tho. It stays.

          • JennyJazzhands

            Thank you!

          • niksmit

            That’s when you cook your bacon in the oven.

            • Multi-Hundredaire

              I tried this a few weeks ago! Loved it. My homeboy put me on. He did it and I was watching like, “What is this sorcery?”

          • askancegaze

            Yeah, man, leave turkey bacon out of this. Associating such a delicious alternative to bacon with this privileged chick is turning my stomach.

            • Multi-Hundredaire

              Precisely. She’s more like pimiento loaf. At least I assume it’s as bland as her, cuz truthfully never in life will I try it.

      • GeeGee Conn

        ????
        This is a joke right? White women don’t benefit from Affirmative Action? Haha haha. Scores and scores of businesses owned by white women are awarded contracts by the government every single day simply because they are white women.

      • Lola Renee

        You know there really can’t be “worst” students than “her”, right? But I’m just a below average Black. I’m sure “they’re” somewhere in your ignorant bubble.

      • Lea Thrace

        Yayy Early Troll is Early.

        Usually have to wait till after dark!

      • Quirlygirly

        *sings* Trolling, trolling, trolling keeps them comments trolling- TROLL HIDE!!!

      • Jacqueline

        Are you Wendy Bell?

        • ChokeOnThisTea

          Bwahahaha. I was thinking Clarence Thomas…

          • Jacqueline

            Could be…he is so lost without Justice Scalia that he does not know what to do with himself!

        • Silky Johnson

          Nah, Wendy is slightly more literate than this window licker.

        • Mochasister

          Lol!

        • Mary Burrell

          Tee-Hee?

      • JennyJazzhands

        You can move along to someone who’s willing to play with you. You don’t even know when to use worst and worse but have convinced yourself of an entire race’s inferiority intellectually?
        Go present your clearly unproofread arguments elsewhere.

      • arosskopf

        Do you know anything about white women and affirmative action. You produce a pile of numbers over black admission, etc. but nothing to support this load of bile.

      • LuckBALady

        You said that already.

      • Lipio

        Shut up, you vat of mayo that was left out of the fridge for 3 days.

        • Mochasister

          Ewwww! What did mayo do to you?!

        • I was going to tell it to go play in the sun without sunscreen for an hour, I like yours better though.

      • jimmyjam2132

        They’re= they + are. “There” is the correct form you should have used. Continue with your racist banter… troll :-)

      • Ariel Jackson

        “blacks” might be “worst” students but we somehow know the difference between bad, worse, and worst. There, their, and they’re too. I guess massa didn’t want us learning how to read so we couldn’t correct the white trash speak so masterfully ;)

        • Mochasister

          As a fifth grade teacher I drilled there, their, and they’re into my students heads. They know the difference. And they’re ELLs!

        • Chile this forum needs a love button…

    • cakes_and_pies

      Is there a #WhitesTears beacon or Bat signal i don’t know about? The trolls swoop in like seagulls at the beach, annoying and ishting on everyone. It usually takes a few hours, but this was quick!

    • Damon Young

      “1. Did her attorneys tell her she needed to look as ugly and as bland as raw chicken for the press pictures?”

      We don’t have to go in on her looks. She can’t control that. Plus, there’s more than enough material with just her actions.

      • But her looks are equally hilarious.. This is the epitome of equal opportunity…lmao

        • Mochasister

          Chile, if she had been a Black woman looking like that….

          • I would’ve stayed silent because I love us!! lol

            But she ain’t soooooooo….. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f8eaee92abb3dc00f2f34c78c519b2bdeb6e8844753c3cbf2cfa83301c80ba36.gif

            • HouseOfBonnets

              This gif of Nayvadius DeMun Wilburn tho….

              • He doesn’t give to anybody else but he makes a mean meme! lol

          • Mary Burrell

            Remember how Trayvon Martin’s friend was drug through the mud?

            • Yep… I hated that.. I was so disappointed in us.

              • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

                Not to mention that Trayvon’s Martin’s friend can speak multiple languages and is a very talented Sister. The haters in many cases can’t even speak one language correctly.

                • Mary Burrell

                  Hey Truth. You are right.

                  • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

                    Right on Sister.

                • be kind

                  Am I remembering correctly that it seemed like a lot of it was fat-shaming?

                  • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

                    There was also a lot of body shaming against the Sister too.

                  • grownandsexy2

                    That was sad on so many levels. There were a lot of comments about her dark complexion too. Sadly, from black people. One of the best things to come out of that was Tom Joyner offered her a full ride to college.

              • Mary Burrell

                It was so horrible I even think some Black people participated in throwing that poor girl under the bus. That was horrible it hurt my heart.

                • grownandsexy2

                  There were plenty of black people involved. I can’t even imagine how that poor girl felt. Bad enough being on the witness stand for the world to see, attorneys in attack mode and then people that look like you lining up to denigrate you.

            • kneelbeforetigers

              THIS. They ALWAYS go in on Black women’s hair/bodies/demeanor. So I say screw that – it’s not my fault she showed up in clearance separates, so #wegoingin

              • Mary Burrell

                Woo wee ??”clearance separates. I’m cackling.

              • Yep!!!

              • Mochasister

                They sure do. Why do bland and mediocre white women get called stunning but Black women are almost always deemed ugly by default?!

                • grownandsexy2

                  They get to be called stunning because that’s one of the privileges of being white. I am stunned by their notion of stunning. LOL!

                  • Mochasister

                    Stunning for white people seems to be blonde hair and blue eyes with a thin body. That’s the white version of being color struck.

            • Mochasister

              How could I forget? They called that poor chIld everything but a child of God.

      • JennyJazzhands

        She can control looking bland. Being beige and wearing beige is laying it on thick. I’m just trying to figure out if it was a strategy or if that’s her everyday.

        • Multi-Hundredaire

          THIS had to have been a strategy of some sort. Ain’t no way…

        • AnswerMe

          Just saw a photo of her that is sooo much better. So I think it was some sort of strategy.

          • Jennifer

            Show me the receipts.

            • AnswerMe

              https://youtu.be/A-C_rmm1NpI I think she looks more attractive here.

              • Jennifer

                It’s amazing what a hairbrush, powder, blush, lip gloss, and some good lighting can do.

                • AnswerMe

                  Girl. WONDERS

                  • she’s still meh

                    • Mochasister

                      True. But this a thousand times better than what she had looked like. She kind of reminds me of Lena Dunham and Khloe Kardashian. There’s not a whole lot you can do with them.

                • be kind

                  And not wearing gray-on-gray when you’re pale to start with.

                • grownandsexy2

                  Yes it does. But I’m struck by the fact that she’s young and seems to need an eye lift. Look at how they’re going south already. That happens in seniors when the eyes start to droop.

                  • Jennifer

                    *snicker*

                    That’s all I got.

              • sosickofit

                Nope

                • AnswerMe

                  Hardcore. HAhahaa

              • cakes_and_pies

                her expression is the same expression as Chris Christie. She knew she done ufcked up. She was stuck shouldering it through.

              • Mochasister

                Slightly. So she was trying to look pathetic on purpose.

              • kneelbeforetigers

                still. bland.

        • grownandsexy2

          I’m leaning towards strategy. Attorneys do this all the time.

      • Mortal Man

        Respect the maturity.

        Making fun of a woman’s appearance is a form of misogyny.

        • I’m petty.. I’ll admit.. I feel no warm and fuzziness at all

      • niksmit

        We also don’t have to go in on Oscar Mayer turkey bacon, because in my personal experience, Jennie-O was actually the sub-par brand in the bunch.

        • Junegirl627

          Nah jenny-O seasoned turkey burgers are clutch

      • L8Comer

        I feel like her comment was more about her styling than her features

      • BlackAllDay

        It’s strategy, I’m guessing, because…Carrie. Even she was able to work it out. Ehhhhhh…

        • Jennifer

          Until the pig’s blood. Womp. Womp.

        • Mochasister

          Poor Carrie. I felt sorry for her.

    • Kas

      She actually completed her degree elsewhere. This lawsuit us the result of a conservative based group that was searching for someone to be a “token” so they could sue over considering race as part of the admission process.

      • JennyJazzhands

        Ah got it. Thanks. I’ve only read about this case here. But, after getting ducked into watching the good wife, was disgusted to learn that people with a whole lot of money go looking for cases to back that further their hate.

      • Joe Lewis

        Bingo! Next thing you know. .she’ll work some book and get on fix news

        • wittyprof

          Which would mean she’d written more books than she’s read….

    • Jennifer

      #2!!!!!!!!!

      And, you’re a Texan, right? You know how mediocre you have to be to not get automatic acceptance into a State school. They make it easy for smart in-state students. #BeckyWithTheBadGrades did this to herself.

      • Son!!!

      • Right… You just have to graduate in the top 10% of your class for auto admissions. Now -#BeckyWithTheBadGrades – they made it too easy. I got into every state school i applied to, plus scholarships. #CheckYoSelf

        • Keisha

          Lol…same here!

        • jovent

          Because you’re black. You’re not held to the same standards as whites and Asians.

          • What standards are those?

          • makkabee

            Jovent, unless you have access to KeyTee’s grades and KNOW (not just assume) she was a mediocre student, you’ve just outed yourself as a racist jackass.

            The odds of you having those transcripts are slim, so I’m gonna make the safe bet and say you are indeed a racist jackass.

    • Andrea

      1. Most likely. She looks like ann/egg/a bowl of unseasoned oatmeal so that you forget she’s already gotten her bachelor’s and has been working for 2 years. They’re making her look like a sad child, when she’s really 24.

      • Exactly. I think that was the goal. To make her appear to be a child who is losing out in life because she didn’t get admitted. Instead of a professional young adult who is already working and has a degree.

    • Mochasister

      Girl, yes to number 1. I know looks aren’t everything but damn. Maybe she thought she would garner more sympathy looking like the female clone of Ron from Harry Potter. I still don’t understand why white women refuse to acknowledge how affirmative action benefits them more than it does poc. For white women to vote against it seems to be like shooting yourself in the foot.

      • grownandsexy2

        I really don’t think it’s a refusal to acknowledge as much as it’s just now knowing, a/k/a ignorance. The media has done such a stellar job of framing AA as a “black thing” that they think it’s all about us. WW think it’s just about race. They naively think we live in a color blind society so AA is no longer needed. A WW on my job brought up AA to me one day, giving me her opinions as to what she thought. I listened and then informed her that SHE and her ilk were the primary and disproportionate beneficiaries.

        • Mochasister

          Good point about how it’s framed. I still believe that many white women choose to be wilfully obtuse about AA.

          • grownandsexy2

            You’re probably right regarding them being willfully obtuse. There are those that hate the idea of us getting ANYTHING so much, that they would shoot themselves in the foot if they thought it would keep us from having access.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Welp can’t win em all snowflake.

    *Hits the 8 count white tears shimmy*

    • KMN

      dab on ’em

  • RagesAgainstMachines

    #BeckyWithTheBadGrades on twitter though! Dead…

  • IsitFridayyet?

    I don’t like bringing looks into this conversation since (outside of her skin color) it has nothing to do with the lawsuit, women face enough pressure about looks and we are ALL ugly to somebody. However, I am happy to see that Affirmative Action was upheld.

    • JohnnyGoode

      nah fuck that. girl deserves all the cheap shots her doughy pale face can handle.

  • Other_guy13

    Gow I wish I didn’t have a meeting to go to right now..but for poor lil Abby…http://25.media.tumblr.com/00753245aa9f34a26d000687a8d9a66d/tumblr_mfpj0l5tVe1r6epwko1_500.gif

  • Karla KL Brady

    Quit pulling cut cards and tell us how you really feel. I find this post to be annoyingly ambiguous and it lends a certain on-the-fenceness to the general commentary. LOL #sarcasm #forthosewhodidntknow

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