Pop Culture

Exclusive: A Sneak-Peek Into The Tyler Perry Love Jones Remake, Titled “Tyler Perry’s Love Jones”

Yup, you read that correctly: Recently, someone in the know let me know Tyler Perry is, in fact, producing and directing a remake of Love Jones.

A bit more investigating allowed me to get my hands on an advance copy. To Perry’s credit, he did attempt to stay true to the original version. The plot largely remains the same. And, although R-rated movies aren’t really Perry’s thing, the movie contains just as much adult dialogue and content as the original. But, as you probably imagined, the remake definitely has his fingerprints on it, and Perry struggles with the nuances present in the original movie’s romantic and sexual content.

Due to copyright laws, I can only post a summary of one scene, but it should give you a pretty good indication of the entire product.

Opening Scene:

Setting: “The Mortuary” — a popular hair salon/male strip club in Atlanta, Georgia.

As Walter Hawkins’ version of “Goin’ Up Yonder” plays in the backdrop, the camera pans over the highly engaged and eclectic crowd. Peach Snapple, a man who vaguely resembles a much happier Scottie Pippen, dances on stage while the women sitting in the salon chairs — many of whom still have curlers in their hair — sway to the rhythmic claps of Peach Snapple’s muscular man booty.

The camera then settles on a table of four men — superstar stripper/aspiring choreographer “Rank “The Wrangler” Whittaker” (Chris Brown in a dreadlocks wig), astronaut “J.R. Chapman” (Michael Jai White), professional baseball player “Vaseline Williams” (former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, in his first major motion picture role), strip club DJ and MC “Plier Terry” (Tyler Perry), and one woman — Mortuary owner “Julie Watson” (Raven Symone, in a role that’s sure to get Oscar buzz).

As the friends sip lattes, smoke weed, and have a conversation no person on Earth has ever had, Rank gets up and walks to the bar, seemingly deep in thought. Megachurch choir director/aspiring orchestra conductor “Iesha Canty” (Rihanna. Yes, that Rihanna.) is already at the bar, and notices the pensive Rank.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Just thinking about some…ass.”

“That must have been some very special ass.”

“Yeah. It was.”

While this is going on, the camera pans back to the table, and we watch them watching Rank and Iesha.

I know she aint gonna fall for that shitty stripper game” says Vaseline, who’s obviously the “player” in the crew.

Piler, who we sense is the ultra-masculine voice of reason in this circle, replies:

“Whatever, man. You need to get back to church. It’s time that you forgave that squirrel for what he did to you. Anyway, excuse me while I help my boy do his thing”

Piler gets up, and walks to the stage.

“Ladies, gentleman, and ladies with gentleman parts, you’re in for a treat. Welcome to the stage, my boy, Atlanta’s own, The Wrangler!!!”

As Rank swaggers on stage — dressed exactly how you’d imagine a male stripper named “Wrangler” to be dressed — the camera pans on Iesha, whose expression lets the audience know that she definitely didn’t know that Rank was the featured stripper. Sitting next to Iesha is her homegirl, Vicky Ortiz (Loretta Devine, in a very peculiar casting choice).

Before Rank starts dancing, he grabs the microphone and says “This next song and dance is dedicated to a very, very special lady.”

Rank puts the microphone down, goes to the middle of the stage, and puts his head down as the lights dim and the anticipation builds. The music starts, and Rank shifts into full “Wrangler” mode; popping and doing other things that male strippers probably do in strip clubs and baby showers in Prince George County.

The camera pans on Iesha, as she recognizes this song as familiar, but can’t quite place the name of it. Then, it hits her.

It’s “Iesha” by Another Bad Creation — proof that Rank has dedicated this dance to her.

This realization hits Iesha like a bag of bricks. Equal parts flattered, embarrassed, and aroused, Iesha watches mouth agape as Rank repeatedly thrusts his manhood in her direction, producing shrieks and screams from both the crowd and the hair-dressers.

Later that evening, while Rank and his friends are hanging out outside of the club, Iesha and Vicky approach them.

That was some stunt you pulled.” Iesha flirts to Rank.

Seemed to get your attention” Rank replies.

“You seem to know a lot about sex and arousing me with your manparts. There’s more to life than that.” Iesha says, as she draws closer to Rank.

“What’s that?” an obviously horny Rank retorts.

Iesha pulls out a dry erase marker and writes her response on Rank’s still sweaty chest.

When finished, she tells the crew good night, and as her and Vicky walk away, the camera pans onto Rank’s chest so we can see what Iesha just wrote.

“Jesus”

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • TheRealestLeo

    If I just didn’t get two wisdom teeth pulled earlier this week, I’d be guffawing all over my laptop at this whole scene. LOL @ everything from the casting choices to their names in the movie to Chris Brown stripping to a song that came out probably the same year he was born in to the concept of Tyler Perry supposedly being the most ‘masculine’ man out of any group of men.

    By the way, I never saw the first Love Jones so I’m sure I won’t be seeing this one, either.

  • UrbanDismay

    THIS!!…Must become a reality.

    It will be the first Tyler Perry movie that I might actually be able to sit through.

  • KBBN

    desecration.. don’t do it!

  • …is this real life?

  • Phidelity15

    You got jokes this week Champ. I haven’t laughed this hard since yesterday’s post and comments. What’s really funny (or sad) is that I wouldn’t put it past TP to think of such ridiculousness and put it on film.

  • Wise Diva

    Um. NO

  • oh wow. lol that was hilarious. she wrote Jesus though? and why ray lewis? lol *dead*

  • So TP thinks its a good idea to have Ri Ri and CB in the same room together?

    Yeah, I’m not going to watch this either. By the way, death to everybody in the past who has forced me to watch TP movies starring him. Glitter burns…just ask Ke$ha.

  • miss t-lee

    This sounds like one of those epically bad straight to DVD movies that Panama loves to watch…lol Ray Lewis in his 1st motion picture huh? The creepy Old Spice commercials weren’t enough huh? *snickers*

  • Rog

    I will kirk the hell out if Ray Ray steps foot on a Tyler Perry set, the 5 headed Armageddon Old-Spice commercial was one thing but the thought of my favorite Raven in co-op with Perrywinkle just makes my head hurt.

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