Pop Culture

A Sneak-Peek Into “Tyler Perry’s Love Jones”

During my conversation with Ted Witcher last week, he mentioned that a producer was interested in doing a remake of Love Jones, and he actually was in the process of negotiating the terms. He didn’t tell me exactly who, though, but a bit of investigative journalism on my part learned that it was actually Tyler Perry. Yup, you read that correctly: Tyler Perry is doing a remake of Love Jones.

A bit more investigating allowed me to get my hands on a draft of the screenplay. To Perry’s credit, he did attempt to stay true to the original version. The plot largely remains the same, and, although R-rated movies aren’t really Perry’s thing, the movie contains just as much adult dialogue and content as the original. But, as you probably imagined, the remake definitely has his fingerprints on it, and Perry struggles with the nuances present in the original movie’s sexual content.

Due to copyright laws, I can only post one scene, but it should give you a pretty good indication of the entire product.

Opening Scene:

Setting: “The Mortuary” — a popular hair salon/male strip club in Atlanta, Georgia.

As Walter Hawkins’ version of “Goin’ Up Yonder” plays in the backdrop, the camera pans over the highly engaged and eclectic crowd. Peach Snapple, an blaxican male stripper who vaguely resembles a much happier Scottie Pippen, dances on stage while the women sitting in the salon chairs — many of whom still have curlers in their hair — sway to the rhythmic claps of Peach Snapple’s muscular man booty.

The camera then settles on a table of four men — superstar stripper/aspiring choreographer “Rank “The Wrangler” Whittaker” (played by Chris Brown in a dreadlocks wig), astronaut “J.R. Chapman” (Micheal Jai White), professional baseball player “Vaseline Williams”  (Baltimore Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis, in his first major motion picture role), and strip club DJ and MC “Plier Terry” (Tyler Perry) — and 0ne woman — Mortuary owner “Julie Watson” (Raven Simone, in a role that’s sure to get Oscar buzz).

As the friends sip lattes, smoke weed, and have a conversation that no person on Earth has ever had, Rank gets up and walks to the bar, seemingly deep in thought. Megachurch choir director/aspiring orchestra conductor “Iesha Canty” (Rihanna. Yes, that Rihanna.) is already at the bar, and notices the pensive Rank.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Just…thinking about some ass.”

“That must have been some very special ass.”

“Yeah. It was.”

While this is going on, the camera pans back to the table, and we watch them watching Rank and Iesha.

I know she aint gonna fall for that sh*tty stripper game” says Vaseline, who’s obviously the “player” in the crew.

Piler, who we sense is the ultra-masculine voice of reason in this circle, replies “Whatever, man. You need to forget about that stuff with your uncle and get back to church. It’s time that you forgave that man for what he did to you. 17 years of not seeing any women will do that to any brother. Anyway, excuse me while I help my boy do his thing”

Piler gets up, and walks to the stage.

“Ladies, gentleman, and ladies with gentleman parts, you’re in for a treat. Welcome to the stage, my boy, Atlanta’s own, The Wrangler!!!”

As Rank swaggers on stage — dressed exactly how you’d imagine a male stripper named “Wrangler” to be dressed — the camera pans on Iesha, whose surprised expression lets the audience know that she definitely didn’t know that Rank was the featured stripper. Sitting next to Iesha is her homegirl, Vicky Ortiz (Loretta Devine, in a very peculiar casting choice).

Before Rank starts dancing, he grabs the microphone and says “This next song and dance is dedicated to a very, very special lady.”

Rank puts the microphone down, goes to the middle of the stage, and puts his head down as the lights dim and the anticipation builds. The music starts, and Rank shifts into full “Wrangler” mode; popping and doing other things that male strippers probably do in strip clubs and maximum security prison cafeterias.

The camera pans on Iesha, as she recognizes this song as familiar, but can’t quite place the name of it. Then, it hits her.

It’s “Iesha” by Another Bad Creation — proof that Rank has dedicated this dance to her.

This realization hits Iesha like a bag of bricks. Equal parts flattered, embarrassed, and aroused, Iesha watches mouth agape as Rank repeatedly thrusts his manhood in her direction, producing shrieks and screams from both the crowd and the hair-dressers.

Later that evening, while Rank and his friends are hanging out outside of the club, Iesha and Vicky approach them.

That was some stunt you pulled.” Iesha flirts to Rank.

Seemed to get your attention” Rank replies.

“You seem to know a lot about sex and arousing me with your manparts. There’s more to life than that.” Iesha says, as she draws closer to Rank.

“What’s that?” an obviously horny Rank retorts.

Iesha pulls out a pen, and writes her response on Rank’s still sweaty chest.

When finished, she tells the crew good night, and as her and Vicky walk away, the camera pans onto Rank’s chest so we can see what Iesha just wrote.

“Jesus”

End scene.

—The Champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • TheRealestLeo

    If I just didn’t get two wisdom teeth pulled earlier this week, I’d be guffawing all over my laptop at this whole scene. LOL @ everything from the casting choices to their names in the movie to Chris Brown stripping to a song that came out probably the same year he was born in to the concept of Tyler Perry supposedly being the most ‘masculine’ man out of any group of men.

    By the way, I never saw the first Love Jones so I’m sure I won’t be seeing this one, either.

    • Misses mcfly

      I hate you and everything you stand for #thatisall

      • TheRealestLeo

        Why you hate me? That sounded kind of harsh.

      • WIP

        My first LOL of the morning.

        • TheRealestLeo

          I’m still trying to figure out where the hell that level of hatred comes from.

          *Confused*

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            could be mistaken, but i think she just left that comment in the wrong place. that “hate” was directed at me

            • TheRealestLeo

              Oh, ok. I was finna say….I might not be the most well-received guy on Earth, but I don’t know anyone that flat-out hates me. LOL

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                I think it was for Champ.

                I mean…I hate your comments, but not you baby. It’s that type that be making us wanna break our laptops.

                • keisha brown

                  *spits out water

                • Mo-VSS

                  LMAO! It’s good be a FANTASTIC Friday…with comments like these I doubt I’ll get any work done.

                • TheRealestLeo

                  @ SFG

                  You hate my comments? That’s cool. I will keep that in mind…..

                • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                  Oh, now I’m feeling bad. It was a joke. -_-

          • Misses mcfly

            No sorry it wasn’t toward you it was for the champ it was a joke… This is the first post that I made ( I am a lurker) and now people think I’m mean again I’m sorry

      • http://wheresana.blogspot.com/ Intellectual Hedonist

        Ditto

        I tried to laugh but all I could do was detest

    • Obsidian

      The Realist Leo, good morning.

      As promised, I’ve done my part. It begins here: obsidianraw.bravejournal.com/entry/62171

      Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to acquire the reading list, follow the instructions, apply yourself dilligently and to transform yourself from an Average Frustrated Chump into Man with purpose, direction and GAME.

      Good luck, bruh.

      This message will self-destruct in 10 seconds…

      O.

      • Sage of Silence

        @ O. Is TRL ya kin or something? Get off his nuts. wtf is wrong with you. Captain Save’a….

        Onto this whole other scenario. TP actually doing this LJ thing. BIG SIGH.
        Champ, I truly thought this was a jest….and then I believed you by the end of the blog post….and then I read the comments and questioned yet again the validity only to subsequently focus on your responses and realize that you aren’t bs’ing not even a little.
        As of right now, I don’t know what to think. Amazed by the sheer prospect. TP is trying to do it big with his core demographic: Black Women. Just don’t know what to think anymore. I’ll see this in the theaters if it is coming though.

        • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

          Ah, if it isn’t the Incomprehensible Sage who should be Silent.

          I can feel the hate all the way over here…

          LOL

          O.

          • Sage of Silence

            Annoyance isn’t the same as hate. Your pestering of TRL annoys me. Stop cyber-bullying dude. This site has a moderator.

            You often have the longest post and sometimes longer than the original blog post.

            Too many words is confusing for you. So, brevity allows no space for you to confuse yourself with more detail than you can apparently handle.

            Have a nice day. :-)

            • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

              SOS,
              What you say is rather odd and ironic, for two major reasons:

              1. Because you’re getting your pink knickers all up in a knot over my comment above, which by anyone’s estimation is *very* brief

              and

              2. You’re all out of joint at my attempting to assist someone who has come to the VSB for help. I note with great interest that among those who did indeed try to assist TRL, YOU were in that number – yet you deign to upbraid me for doing so and stepping up to the plate. Such a psychosocial display is the stuff of tumescence among the Freudian crowd. Hmm.

              I mean really SOS, what’s it to you that I’m reaching out to TRL here? Out of more than 300 comments, why are making it your business to address my little ole comment addressed to TRL (and other Brothas like him?). Why does that bother you so very much, hmm? What is up with that?

              You tell me.

              I’m all ears.

              O.

              • Sage of Silence

                Cool, you speak well. Cool, you did research that COULD help him. But did he ask YOU?

                Literally bored with you. Tired of seeing you chase this poor soul around and insult his intelligence. He found the website without you. If he wants to find the books, he can do that too without you. And if he so chooses to live as what you call an “Average frustrated chump”, that again doesn’t give you just cause to relentlessly pursue him.

                But to be absolutely clear. I am you. Without the links. Without the relentless pursuit. With the “I care” attitude tattooed on my heart that I wear on my sleeve.
                Thats why I’m talking to you. The same reason you talk to him. I am fully aware of the hypocrisy. Judge me, I’m just like…”really? This is how you get down?”

                • Sage of Silence

                  and I read your blog. In shock and awe the entire time.

                  Oh, and you gonna front on the length of your post like I ain’t see the one below? Bwahahaha

                • http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com Obsidian

                  Hello SOS,
                  To answer your question, no, TRL didn’t ask me, specifically; but it is quite clear from his comments here that he was soliciting advice from the VSB participants. I chose to participate. Why does that bother you so?

                  Wrt the length of my comments, there have been many, many others who have also posted lengthy comments, yet I have never seen you or anyone else (and that includes the VSB Politburo, I might add) say ANYTHING about that. Why single me out? Is it because of something I said? If so, why not address that?

                  Third, YOU said NOTHING to or about TRL, until I tossed my hat into the ring; clearly, you have a problem with me. So we can set aside the TRL pretext aside, and get right to it. What’s your beef?

                  Yes, I am very opionated, and have the full intention of bombarding the place with as many truth bombs as I can muster, because it is long passed due that somebody did. By the way your shrieking, like the proverbial you know what, I think I’ve been doing my job, quite well.

                  More, please!

                  :)

                  O.

    • Maris

      Wait? Why are you responding and you’ve never seen the original Love Jones? I feel like this is why everyone’s directing hate towards you? Please check out the movie. I guarantee once you see it and read this script again you will laugh that much harder. LOL

      • TheRealestLeo

        I promise you I’m not the only person in this thread that hasn’t seen Love Jones.

        People respond to threads that aren’t targeted toward them all the time. It’s called insight….conversation….a different point of view.

  • UrbanDismay

    THIS!!…Must become a reality.

    It will be the first Tyler Perry movie that I might actually be able to sit through.

    • DQ

      It would be the first Tyler Perry movie that would have me seriously considering putting out a hit on Tyler Perry Nancy Kerrigan style…

      …okay I’m lying, I’ve thought about this over 4 movies ago

      • PoliBohoGlam

        I got 5 on it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      It will be the first Tyler Perry movie that I might actually be able to sit through.

      the tentative release date is july 3rd

      • Yeah…So

        I thought you were gonna pick a date like February 29th.

        • tgtaggie

          Or it might come out on Neverary 32nd.

          • WIP

            LOL!
            *puts “Neverary 32nd” in back pocket

  • KBBN

    desecration.. don’t do it!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “desecration.. don’t do it!”

      this read like a warning sign you’d find outside of a cemetery

      • KBBN

        somebody’s about to be buried (ref: Iesha wrote “Jesus” on Rank’s chest)

  • http://www.unepetitefillenoire.blogspot.com KayBeezy

    …is this real life?

    • GEEZY

      I need to know too…this can’t be real!!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      coming july 3rd

  • Phidelity15

    You got jokes this week Champ. I haven’t laughed this hard since yesterday’s post and comments. What’s really funny (or sad) is that I wouldn’t put it past TP to think of such ridiculousness and put it on film.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      jokes? what are you talking about?

  • Wise Diva

    Um. NO

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      you look like no. i look like yes

      • http://thisistip.wordpress.com/ ThisisTip

        Bwahahaha!

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    oh wow. lol that was hilarious. she wrote Jesus though? and why ray lewis? lol *dead*

    • Rog

      Apparently Ray wants to get into acting when he retires sorta like The Rock (the played college ball together).

      • keisha brown

        if the commercials are any indication.. he needs to go ALL the way to the corner with that idea…

        • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

          he’s already got his foot in the door with his old spice commercials.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      ever since he didnt go to jail for the two people he stabbed to death, ray lewis has been taking acting classes

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

        why do people still bring that up? i mean the man won a superbowl after that. isn’t that vindication enough? just like ben roethlisberger was almost there. that would have wiped his slate clean.

      • SpottieOttieDarlin

        What’s a little stabbing among friends? #pause

      • Deviant

        Killa!

  • http://brotherjamesthetastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

    So TP thinks its a good idea to have Ri Ri and CB in the same room together?

    Yeah, I’m not going to watch this either. By the way, death to everybody in the past who has forced me to watch TP movies starring him. Glitter burns…just ask Ke$ha.

    • http://brotherjamesthetastemaker.tumblr.com ChaoticDiva

      ….and I just got that this was not real. You know what? Don’t judge me.

      • UrbanDismay

        Too late. Judge judge judge. Judge judge judge. j/k

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      So TP thinks its a good idea to have Ri Ri and CB in the same room together?

      personally, i think it’s genius.

      • tgtaggie

        I thought CB legally couldn’t be within a certain number of yards of RiRi (as per his parole)

        • DQ

          They could use some trick camera angles to get around that restraining order… or maybe hire Industrial Light and Magic to make a digital Chris Brown. It worked for Jeff Bridges in Tron Legacy, there’s no reason why TP couldn’t tap into this CGI treasure trove…

          …I think it goes without saying that Tyler Perry’s remake will be in 3D.

          • http://beautifulcompany.blogspot.com ladolcemila

            Obviously it’s in 3-D…. I think this might be my favorite post =) I almost couldn’t get past Chris Brown “The Wrangler” in a dreadlocked wig…. Cus you know Tyler loves a ridiculous wig on a big buff man lol

            This right here! This, is a masterpiece… *tips hat*

        • RnB girl

          That restraining order has been lifted…. they can be in the same vicinity now for award shows and such.

        • Imisswarmweather

          Actually CB just petitioned to change the restraining order so that he could be within her presence ( for attending award shows and such) but can’t harass or be a nuisance to her and Rihanna agreed to allow it the changes. So let’s make this joke movie a reality, lol

        • Mo-VSS

          She’s gonna lift the restrictions on the restraining order. Bottom line…she still wants him. LOL

          • tgtaggie

            So in other words….RiRi still wants CB to blow her back out and beat her head in. lol. I see now….

  • miss t-lee

    This sounds like one of those epically bad straight to DVD movies that Panama loves to watch…lol Ray Lewis in his 1st motion picture huh? The creepy Old Spice commercials weren’t enough huh? *snickers*

    • Mr. Gundam

      Sounds like another BET Blackbuster

      If this scene was a trailer, who wouldn’t want to see it?

      • miss t-lee

        LoL you’re whylin’. :-)

      • DQ

        Even people making money off a such a movie wouldn’t want to see it.

      • WIP

        “Sounds like another BET Blackbuster”

        Sounds like it should be a straight-to-BET movie, LOL

    • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      LOL, right? I bet PJ got super excited when he read this before realizing it was a joke.

      I’m still mad at Chris Brown’s dreadlocks wig. Why? Because I believe TP would pull one of dem numbers for real lol.

      • Yeah…So
        • j.ivy

          just ruining beautiful man specimens.

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

          Exactly. Cut and Paste Cornrows begets Dreadlocks Lacefront.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I’m still mad at Chris Brown’s dreadlocks wig. Why? Because I believe TP would pull one of dem numbers for real lol.”

        its actually blond dreadlocks too, but i left that part out because people would think it was a joke

      • tgtaggie

        Well….he had Boris with the afro wig, Shemar with the dreadlock wig and TP himself wore an afro wig in the family that preys.

        • Cayenne

          Shemar had a “cornrow” wig. Don’t get us all confused here! I laughed at those cornrows for 5 minutes!

          • WIP

            I’m sure somewhere in Tyler’s prop shop there is a lacefront dreadlock wig with Shemar’s name on it.

            • DQ

              Lace Front + Dreadlock Wig = Flatline

              (it also equals another Twitter entry but never you mind that)

              • Yeah…So

                I’m pretty sure this is what Champ was speaking of…
                http://www.bestwigoutlet.com/Costume-Wigs-Rasta-SP70133.html

                Dats so f*ed up, why is shirt gotta be tie-dye?… cause he got dreadlocks? smdh.

                • DQ

                  You know… it’s good that I’m actually leaving my job voluntarily… cause if I wasn’t, I’d certainly be fired effing around with y’all today

                  Why YS? Why?

  • Rog

    I will kirk the hell out if Ray Ray steps foot on a Tyler Perry set, the 5 headed Armageddon Old-Spice commercial was one thing but the thought of my favorite Raven in co-op with Perrywinkle just makes my head hurt.

    • DQ

      *the 5 headed Armageddon Old-Spice commercial was one thing*

      Oh hell, this is going on Twitter right now LOL

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “the 5 headed Armageddon Old-Spice commercial was one thing but the thought of my favorite Raven in co-op with Perrywinkle just makes my head hurt.”

      damn. if that makes your head hurt, imagine how the two people he killed feel. wait, they’re dead, so they can’t feel anything

      • rog

        C’mon Champ don’t be THAT guy lol I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to defend Lewis against people who wrongfully bring that up especially considering he never should have been a suspect based on the evidence (or lack thereof) the prosecution presented.

        Its totally bogus that people (11 years later) still believe that Ray was a celebrity got off a crime based on the fact that he happened to be a young rich guy near an accident especially considering that probably half the people probably never even paid attention to the trial.

        Steelers fans used to talk a lot of sh!t about Lewis but ever since Roethlisbergers pattern of dumb behavior they’ve been pretty quiet :D.

        • Deviant

          Killa