“A Six-Foot-Long Hefty Bag Full Of Wet Farts And Dog Nipples” And 20 More Things Bill O’Reilly Looks Like » VSB

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“A Six-Foot-Long Hefty Bag Full Of Wet Farts And Dog Nipples” And 20 More Things Bill O’Reilly Looks Like

(Brad Barket/Getty Images for National Geographic Channel)


Bill O’Reilly apparently thinks Maxine Waters looks like James Brown. Here are some things I think Bill O’Reilly looks like.

1. Bill O’Reilly, but if Bill O’Reilly actually died 20 years ago and no one’s gathered the nerve to tell him yet

2. The face people in horror movies make when the alien hidden inside of them is eating their spleen

3. The guy who’d somehow survive the zombie apocalypse because the zombies would roll up to him, look at his face, say “nah,” and keep it moving

4. The guy in a Steven Seagal movie who’s revealed in a flashback to be the guy who framed Seagal for a murder. Now Seagal’s out of prison, that guy is the Governor now, and Seagal’s Out For Justice.

5. The third stage of late-onset elderly syphilis

6. A bag of money. Not real money, though, but Monopoly money used as toilet paper at Philadelphia International Airport

7. A live chicken dressed as a dead human for Halloween

8. A flaccid albino walrus’s penis

9. The walrus-sized condom the albino walrus used moments before, when having sex, because the walrus read a pamphlet about animal STDs and is making better choices now

10. The guy on the cruise ship who’s always naked in the fucking whirlpool and you never actually get in the whirlpool because this guy, somehow, is always in it (I hate that fucking guy)

11. The hazmat team guy who didn’t seal his hazmat suit completely and now he’s FUCKED

12. A grown-ass Garbage Pail Kid (“Barfy McShitTits”)

13. A Catholic priest who’s been moved from parish to parish for the same very suspicious reasons

14. The guy who invented that thing that happens when you think you’re going to sneeze but you don’t

15. The bad banana you don’t want to eat but you’re not going to throw it away because they’re organic and expensive so you decide to use it for a smoothie or something

16. The initial lead actor in the first ever television ads for CIALIS until they focus grouped it and found a replacement after realizing no one would believe he was having sex

17. A corrupt banker who’s arrested, taken to trial, found guilty, and shoots himself in the head before going to prison, only the bullet doesn’t kill him and he’s left with that face forever

18. Frankenstein with bulimia

19. The guy who saved your life because seeing his wretched and pale face on the train yesterday morning made you think “you know, I should get that stomachache checked out” and you went to the doctor and discovered you had lyme disease

20. A patient that would perplex the hell out of House

21. The teacher who get his ass kicked in the first 10 minutes in a movie about a really bad school in the hood

22. The guy gripping dozens of packs of socks and sneering “As long as I draw breath from this body, coloreds will never wear socks!” in every movie trailer about brave Black people who weren’t allowed to wear socks in the 1950s

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Hugh Akston

    Every time I see that dude and a lot of yt folks on tv I zone out and think:


  • NoDramaCiCi

    I’m about to have to fight Bill O’Reilly…

  • Wise Old Owl

    He simply looks like who he is….The Damn Devil…

  • Dopamine

    As ugly as he looks, he’s even uglier on the inside.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Yeah…his looks surely don’t help his wretched personality situation…

  • Courtney Wheeler
    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Hahaha!!! Black History Moment #12389043.

      I might just have to watch that video again.

      • Do it. I rewatched it and it washed away the remains of a crappy day.

  • Sweet Potato Kai ?

    “6. A bag of money. Not real money, though, but Monopoly money used as toilet paper at Philadelphia International Airport”

    Now why are you treating Philly like a Kappa? Everything else is on point.

    • Damon Young

      lol, i happened to be in that airport when i wrote this, that’s all

      • Sweet Potato Kai ?

        I’ll allow it THIS time! I hope you got a good cheesesteak while you were here at least.

        • KNeale

          I lived in Philly for six years and love it dearly but you are one of the dirtier cities my friend. Being from small town I thought all major cities were just dirty and nobody picked up their trash. But since then I’ve lived in Chicago and made numerous visits to NY and yeah Philly is on the dirtier side. No disrespect but next election vote for the guy that believes in timely trash collection.

          • Alessandro De Medici

            Philly raised soda prices because of the tax…

            In other words:

            Philly is in trouble

          • grownandsexy2

            What part of Philly did you live in?

            • KNeale

              North Philly, then Fairmount/Art Museum area, then near the Blue Line station at Spring Garden. Don’t wanna say Northern Liberties because it was like right on the outside and obviously still inexpensive enough for my low paid black azz to live there. Also, this was 5+ years ago. Would move back to Philly in a heartbeat if the right job offer. Love it! But Its changing so much I hear and I know rent probably aint as cheap as it was 5 years ago.

              • grownandsexy2

                Philly is gritty in spots, no lie. Some neighborhoods more than others. You’re certainly qualified to speak on it, having lived in various neighborhoods. I can’t say that I’ve had a problem with trash collection tho. I’m in East Mt. Airy and they’re always on time. Rentals, as always depend on the neighborhood. I do know that a lot of the rentals are like mortgage payments, but that should be no suprise.

          • Sweet Potato Kai ?

            Sounds like you lived in a dirty neighborhood? We have those. But did you get a good cheesesteak while you were here? Because the dirt is what gives it that special flavor.

            • KNeale

              I did get a good cheesesteak though cheesesteaks aren’t really my thing. The fun I had independent of food was most memorable. I moved there from Virginia and it was my first “city” experience. I deadazz have walked almost all of Philly and have very fond memories! Have lived in or done extended work assignments in many other cities and Philly still near top of my list. But for real it is one of the dirtier cities I’ve lived in. When I first got there Philly natives would mention this often knowing I was from a small town.

  • Glo

    “18. Frankenstein with bulimia”

    *Wall slides*

    Seriously, tho, the most unattractive people will be hating on black women’s looks, and it’s just so confusing to me. When much worse could be said about you, why even open up that can of worms?

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      I think the only two people that look worse than O’Reilly have to be Stephen Bannon and Donald Trump. Those dudes look SICK.

      • lkeke35

        Omg! You’re right tho. They all have skin that looks like sandwich bags of cottage cheese that’s waaaay past the expiration date.
        Or poisonous fungi growing on a leather shoe.

      • Erica Nicole

        Stephen Miller looks like something out of a nightmare, I think it has more to do with being incredibly creepy though. And the fact the he looks 60 and he’s only 31

      • Blueberry01

        Beavis and Butthead Reboot (Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr.) with a tie for fourth.

  • Yaaaas

    1. No matter HOW black women choose to wear their hair, people always find a way to criticize it smh
    2. His complete disregard for everything this congresswoman said is cowardly, anti intellectual, and a whole bunch of other things too

    • KNeale

      Shockingly. SHOCKLINGLY. That WW whos name I don’t know but she’s on Fox so we already starting out bad…tried to defend her. Not to derail this conversation because Becky did the bare minimum of decency but I still sometimes see a loop of Megan Kelly saying “kids, santa claus is white” into the camera on a loop in my head. So I’m SHOCKED someone on Fox tried to stop the nonsense.

      • I’veLostCount

        Was it really a defence but another means to get in a dig? Seemed like the latter to me

        • KNeale

          You probably right. Lol. My bar is so low it don’t take much to convince me. She might have just been doing a clever transition.

  • Ess Tee

    This calls for an old school cheer, remixed, of course–

    U – G – L – Y!
    Bill ain’t got no alibi!
    He ugly!
    Yeah, yeah,
    He ugly!

    • miss t-lee
      • cyanic

        All I remember is the locker room nude scene is rewind and pause worthy.

    • Taysia

      M-A-M-A how he think he got that way, his mama hey hey his mama!

  • AsamiSato

    I move that in all future VSB articles, Bill O’Reilly be referred to primarily as “Barfy McShitTits.” It’s a fitting moniker.

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