Let me just say upfront, Rodney King did not die for Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta to exist and set…something or somebody back…at least 2,000 years. But that happened. So I figured the least I could do is discuss things that stood out about what could quite possibly be the worst thing to happen to Black culture since cigarillos and Chief Keef. What follows is my chronological recap that didn’t happen minute-by-minute but over time of the first episode of Love & HipHop Atlanta.
-Five minutes into this show and I’m already over the Blackness. So, Sleazy J aka Stevie J buys his woman a house in the sticks only to tell her that he needs to “get this money” – a phrase that has likely done more damage to the Black community than ‘pimps up, hoes down’. She’s been with him for over 15 years. These ninjas have some seriously long term relationships. They should stop that.
-And Lil Scrappy is this seasons…Fabolous? That’s not a compliment by the way. Scrappy is not a celebrity by the way. At least not really outside of I-285. By the way, in the legion of Black women’s names, why is Erica/Erika/Ericka so damn popular. Why are there so many black women named Erica? I need a Congressional commision on this.
-Who in the F*CK is this K. Michelle broad? Sure she can sing, but why should she be actively involved in my life is what I’m asking. Interestingly enough, if you were to do a study on “hood chicks that can sing”, I’m fairly certain we could populate Israel or one of those other random ass countries in the Middle East and get the whole Greek drachma situation settled. Does that make any sense whatsoever? No. None at all. But that’s whats happened thus far since I’ve been watching this show. Despite the fact that nothing totally ratchet has happened, I’m all of a sudden feeling less…educated. And these people are in my city. I think I’m in DC for the long haul folks.
-Less than 20 minutes in and we already have tears of “you deserve better” courtesy of the best friend Ariane. She’s definitely A-town with her big ass “A” necklace. I don’t think we Atlantans think that other people understand our lingo since so many folks get their names tatted or necklaced all over the place. Oh yeah…the crying best friend. Over it.
-So let me get this right, Stevie J is a pimp? What part of the game is that. Oh, apparently he f*cks this chick Joseline’s brain. That’s new. Go Stevie. When the f*ck did Stevie J become “that n*gga”? Do ANY women reading even know who he is outside of Eve?Â This is a problem for me. Mostly because I feel like Puffy is laughing his arse off while he cashes checks for work Stevie J used to do.
-Can we put a moratorium on cracked out mommas receiving airtime please? Seriously people. White people are watching. This is not looking good for us. Lil Scrappy, I’m looking at you and your momma.
-So, these chicks out here apparently have a rough time. K.Michelle, I feel you boo. The Clipse weren’t f*cking with Jive either remember? “…we’re sorry to the fans but them crackas wasn’t playing fair at Jive…” <—- we know the deal boo.
-Yo, I forgot how loud Black folks are in Atlanta. Momma Dee and Erica are so ATL, I almost shed a tear and got homesick. Until I realized that I might run into them ninjas. Again, I’m good in DC. By the way, if I found out that my momma was a pimp, I’d probably go and find Jesus again. Real spit.
-I’m struggling with Stevie J being considered the “pimp-player”. I really am. This is the MOST relevant he’s been since the 90s. They scraped the bottom of the barrel for this show.
-Women are stupid. Mimi needs to get her life together. This just proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that some women just refuse to accept that the man they chose isn’t good for them. Some of you all would rather be wrong forever than admit that you made a mistake. Mimi is living proof. Word to Lil Dap.
-Okay, this meeting with Karlie Reed, Josaline, Stevie J and Antonio Reed is exactly why everybody thinks that the music industry is a sham. These ninjas are…I hope that every kid watching realizes that they need to to got college. That’s all I’m going to say. Viva la college.
-Is this chick K. Michelle wearing Ewoks on her feet? I have a problem with this.
- I have a homeboy who thinks that Soul Plane set Black people like 100 years. That’s blatantly not true. But just in this first episode of Love and HipHop Atlanta, I feel like we may have lost at least 12 years. Yes, this episode took us back to 2000.
-So Stevie J might be the STUPIDEST man on the planet. He brings his jumpoff around his baby mama, tries to play the baby mama, ONLY to piss off his jumpoff at the same time who is trying to stay in her lane but catching feelings like STDs at a Lenny Kravitz concert.
-Yo, where the f*ck is this broad Joseline from? And why can’t she say “fur”? This perplexes me. I’d like to apologize to you all for watching this and subjecting to you this recap. But it’s been as hard for me as it was for anybody reading this.
-Fellas, word to big bird, if you EVER have the choice to make between your girl and the jumpoff/artist you’re working with RIGHT after an argument with your girl happens…ALWAYS tend to home, my n*gga. ALWAYS tend to home first. I may not be perfect, but that’s one mistake I know I’d NEVER make.
This ends this recap. I will never do this again. This was painful. I’m sorry. Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta might be too much for me to ever watch again. I never knew a true definition of the word “ratchet” until I watched this show. I’m done.
Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta, you broke Panama Jackson.
Annnnnnnd I’m spent.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MAAAAAMA NOOOOOOOOOOOO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3