A Recap of The First Episode of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta

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Let me just say upfront, Rodney King did not die for Love & Hip-Hop Atlanta to exist and set…something or somebody back…at least 2,000 years. But that happened. So I figured the least I could do is discuss things that stood out about what could quite possibly be the worst thing to happen to Black culture since cigarillos and Chief Keef. What follows is my chronological recap that didn’t happen minute-by-minute but over time of the first episode of Love & HipHop Atlanta.

-Five minutes into this show and I’m already over the Blackness. So, Sleazy J aka Stevie J buys his woman a house in the sticks only to tell her that he needs to “get this money” – a phrase that has likely done more damage to the Black community than ‘pimps up, hoes down’. She’s been with him for over 15 years. These ninjas have some seriously long term relationships. They should stop that.

-And Lil Scrappy is this seasons…Fabolous? That’s not a compliment by the way. Scrappy is not a celebrity by the way. At least not really outside of I-285. By the way, in the legion of Black women’s names, why is Erica/Erika/Ericka so damn popular. Why are there so many black women named Erica? I need a Congressional commision on this.

-Who in the F*CK is this K. Michelle broad? Sure she can sing, but why should she be actively involved in my life is what I’m asking. Interestingly enough, if you were to do a study on “hood chicks that can sing”, I’m fairly certain we could populate Israel or one of those other random ass countries in the Middle East and get the whole Greek drachma situation settled. Does that make any sense whatsoever? No. None at all. But that’s whats happened thus far since I’ve been watching this show. Despite the fact that nothing totally ratchet has happened, I’m all of a sudden feeling less…educated. And these people are in my city. I think I’m in DC for the long haul folks.

-Less than 20 minutes in and we already have tears of “you deserve better” courtesy of the best friend Ariane. She’s definitely A-town with her big ass “A” necklace. I don’t think we Atlantans think that other people understand our lingo since so many folks get their names tatted or necklaced all over the place. Oh yeah…the crying best friend. Over it.

-So let me get this right, Stevie J is a pimp? What part of the game is that. Oh, apparently he f*cks this chick Joseline’s brain. That’s new. Go Stevie. When the f*ck did Stevie J become “that n*gga”? Do ANY women reading even know who he is outside of Eve?  This is a problem for me. Mostly because I feel like Puffy is laughing his arse off while he cashes checks for work Stevie J used to do.

-Can we put a moratorium on cracked out mommas receiving airtime please? Seriously people. White people are watching. This is not looking good for us. Lil Scrappy, I’m looking at you and your momma.

-So, these chicks out here apparently have a rough time. K.Michelle, I feel you boo. The Clipse weren’t f*cking with Jive either remember? “…we’re sorry to the fans but them crackas wasn’t playing fair at Jive…” <—- we know the deal boo.

-Yo, I forgot how loud Black folks are in Atlanta. Momma Dee and Erica are so ATL, I almost shed a tear and got homesick. Until I realized that I might run into them ninjas. Again, I’m good in DC. By the way, if I found out that my momma was a pimp, I’d probably go and find Jesus again. Real spit.

-I’m struggling with Stevie J being considered the “pimp-player”. I really am. This is the MOST relevant he’s been since the 90s. They scraped the bottom of the barrel for this show.

-Women are stupid. Mimi needs to get her life together. This just proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that some women just refuse to accept that the man they chose isn’t good for them. Some of you all would rather be wrong forever than admit that you made a mistake. Mimi is living proof. Word to Lil Dap.

-Okay, this meeting with Karlie Reed, Josaline, Stevie J and Antonio Reed is exactly why everybody thinks that the music industry is a sham. These ninjas are…I hope that every kid watching realizes that they need to to got college. That’s all I’m going to say. Viva la college.

-Is this chick K. Michelle wearing Ewoks on her feet? I have a problem with this.

- I have a homeboy who thinks that Soul Plane set Black people like 100 years. That’s blatantly not true. But just in this first episode of Love and HipHop Atlanta, I feel like we may have lost at least 12 years. Yes, this episode took us back to 2000.

-So Stevie J might be the STUPIDEST man on the planet. He brings his jumpoff around his baby mama, tries to play the baby mama, ONLY to piss off his jumpoff at the same time who is trying to stay in her lane but catching feelings like STDs at a Lenny Kravitz concert.

-Yo, where the f*ck is this broad Joseline from? And why can’t she say “fur”? This perplexes me. I’d like to apologize to you all for watching this and subjecting to you this recap. But it’s been as hard for me as it was for anybody reading this.

-Fellas, word to big bird, if you EVER have the choice to make between your girl and the jumpoff/artist you’re working with RIGHT after an argument with your girl happens…ALWAYS tend to home, my n*gga. ALWAYS tend to home first. I may not be perfect, but that’s one mistake I know I’d NEVER make.

This ends this recap. I will never do this again. This was painful. I’m sorry. Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta might be too much for me to ever watch again. I never knew a true definition of the word “ratchet” until I watched this show. I’m done.

Love and Hip-Hop Atlanta, you broke Panama Jackson.

Annnnnnnd I’m spent.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MAAAAAMA NOOOOOOOOOOOO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

478 thoughts on “A Recap of The First Episode of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta”

      • lol. luckily i had a few drinks before i watched this anyway. so that definitely helped. i think it lended a certain clarity. though nothing can explain Joseline’s odd…everything. that’s just one weirdly constructed and functioning woman. if you were to tell me she was created in a lab from spare parts i wouldn’t be surprised.

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  2. Personally, I couldn’t hang with Love and Hip Hop. I think it was this show that I caught one day where one of the girls was doing some dancing in a studio… I was just telling my daughter and her friend about this tonight… and we were laughing our arses off! Imagine this girl whose very well endowed dancing to “Go Girl” with her breasts flopping in her face damn near knocking her arse out with each beat! I mean, she had it going on, but damn! The kids were rolling! Nope, can’t hang. But, darn it, I missed my episode of Single Ladies tonight. :( The last one I caught about 2 weeks ago was too phucking funny! I loved the gyn who wanted to ‘dine in.’ lmao…

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    • So, I watched the episode of Single Ladies that came on. 1) I didnt know that Stacey Dash got fired. Or didn’t remember. 2) The acting on that show has taken a distinct nosedive, I felt like I was watching The Game. 3) I think I’m totally over that show. And I used to like it. I’ll give it another viewing, but the new Stacey Dash chick is a not a win in my book.

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  3. Sounds like I haven’t missed much. I can’t deal with VH-1 outside of Behind the Music and Storytellers.

    If I wanted to see ratchetness up close and personal, I could just go to Roscoes Chicken N Waffles…I’m good.

    Btw, someone on my twitter timeline re-tweeted Maino and basically he was saying this Mimi chick (I don’t know who she is) is a man, and that he was locked up with her/him.

    Can anyone cosign that she looks like a dude?

    Sidenote — I’m ashamed to say I know of Stevie J outside of Eve. I remember he was in Puff’s “Hit Factory” crew and was jiggin’ in that shiny suit in the Honey video…lol

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    • He was talking about the Josalina woman, and she does have rather *ahem*, “strong features.” Someone kept referring to her as “Jose” *lol*.

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    • “Sounds like I haven’t missed much. I can’t deal with VH-1 outside of Behind the Music and Storytellers.”

      You and me both. I’d rather watch VH-1 Soul and VH-1 Classic- they’re a lot less ratchet, in my opinion.

      “Sidenote — I’m ashamed to say I know of Stevie J outside of Eve. I remember he was in Puff’s “Hit Factory” crew and was jiggin’ in that shiny suit in the Honey video…lol”

      Puffy actually called the crew The Hitmen, and I felt that Stevie was the worst producer in the bunch. When it came to R&B producers in that collective, this is how I saw it:

      Chucky Thompson>>>>>Stevie J. any day of the week…and it ain’t even close!

      Besides, the only songs I liked that was produced by Stevie J. were Dave Hollister’s “My Favorite Girl” and the original versio of Kelly Price’s “Friend Of Mine”. Other than that, he was practically lame.

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    • au contraire…you missed a whole hell of a lot. its times like this that i wished i worked in a black establishment so i could walk in and talk about the f*cktasticness i witnessed. i need to be working in the entertainment field for real. i made all the wrong right choices in life.

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      • Low key I’m really surprised you don’t work at a record label. You have that kinda energy.

        I interned at two labels out here in LA and you seem like you would fit in seamlessly with the lax environment.

        DC ain’t too far from NYC. Lol

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        • lol. yeah, i wished i’d made a few different decisions back in teh 90s. oh well. stability is where i’m at now. plus, i still produce for artists and exec produce some albums so i’m involved in music. works for me.

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  4. That Ariane chick and her croc tears-I literally wanted to slap the be-satan out of her!!!!! URRRRRGH. Those were THE most annoying tears I’ve seen in my life! Fug you crying for?! Abeg, commot for road with those your stupid tears!

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  5. I’ve never even seen the original Love and Hip Hop. At 8 o’clock i was watching Tia and Tamera so I only caught the last 2 seconds of Love and Hip Hop before Single Ladies came on (I think those 2 shows cancel each other out. In fact, Single Ladies is scripted so I came out ahead.)

    Those were the 2 most ratchet seconds of TV ever – worse than every one of Evelyn fights put together.

    Anyway *pours out liquor for the Civil Rights Movement*

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      • Tia & Tamera is the only sober reality show, thus far. BUT I have issues with Tia, she is so damn self-centered!!!!! Then I take issues with Tamera’s husband, he is such a down low control freak.

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        • Tamera’s husband works for FOX news so he doesn’t want to lose his job behind what she says and does. Tia yes LOL but that’s normal for newlyweds LOL

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          • Wifey,

            Nah, it has nothing to do with being a newly wed. She is NOT as supportive of her sister as I expected her to be. Tamera is too nice & accomodating of a lot of BS from her sister. Case in point, Tamera was committed to building their website, but Tia flaked out on some, acting role job in Utah, motherhood, being tired all the time. Frankly speaking, I would have read her the RIOT ACT! Are you kidding me?! Life does not revolve around her!! C’mon! Newlywed, my foot! Tamera is newlywed and she ain’t acting brand new.

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            • Turnaround is fairplay. Tamera wasn’t understanding Tia’s anxiety about her pregnancy having to be on bedrest and her baby not turning. She didnt understand Tia struggling with that big azz belly, her fears, her hormones, and peeing on herself while Tamera’s wedding festivities were happening. The doctor told Tia to stay off her feet for medical reasons and Tia was still trying to be there for Tamera. So it balances itself out. Tamera gonna find out what it’s like to be big and pregnant.

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              • She did not understand, but was there at least for her sister 90% of the time. Tia. Nah….I ain’t feeling her at all. Ya’ll are SISTERS! You are each other’s keepers.
                Basically, the way I feel about the whole situation is that Tamera puts in work as a sister, Tia just rides….whatev! Wish them all the best, and pray that Tia will stop being so damn self centered and Tamera will grow the balls to tell her off!

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          • +2. Her obvious lack of interest, support and enthusiasm for her sister’s circumstances and endeavors, makes her come off as extremely self-centered. It’s so strange to me because when they were younger Tamera was annoying to me and Tia was my favorite.

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    • you real spit, the “preview” of the upcoming season actually might HAVE BEEN the most ratchet sh*t ever. and im pretty sure i saw Benzino. that in and of itself made it either must-see TV or motivation to turn in your Black card and only watch Discovery channel.

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      • No ma’am, Chicagolicious, the black spin off of Jerseylicious. And no, I cannot explain the lady with the big afro because I only caught the piece where she was cussing somebody out for no reason at a professional event. Great TV.

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    • I watched Chicagolicious.

      The lady with the fro (Valencia) is jealous of the new lead make-up (Katrell)’s relationship with the shop’s owner AJ.

      She keeps reiterating the fact that she’s been with AJ for 20 years so Katrell needs to bow down and show respect.

      Whole time she’s jealous and lashing out because of it.

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    • She is a mess! I watched the first episode and thinking maybe this may be some interesting and semi positive tv until her acting a mess at the gala. You would think that for all the talking she does about her experience she would have gained some class and professionalism over the years.

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      • She got even more ratchet in the new episode! Katrell lives with her ex, so AJ found her an apartment…in his building. So Vallencia goes off on her about moving in to his building (where he lives, not like he owns it) while some Chicago politicians are touring the salon to figure out if they want to invite AJ to DC. Like…who cares? And in front of clients? And these VIPs? Eff 20 year, AJ needs to fire her

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        • Yeah though the first episode drama bothered me I know I will watch again. It’s actually not as ratchet as Love & Hip Hop at least folks on Chicagolicious have talent.

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  7. I’m just ashamed to say that I was too lazy to leave the room when my sister put it on Vh1 (she likes to watch train wrecks). It was really, really painful to watch and made me kinda sad.

    …After a few minutes though I got sucked into it’s vortex of evil ratchetness and couldn’t look away. Shame.

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    • it did have that “can’t look away” quality about it.

      but mostly because, and maybe i need to write this post, i don’t feel sorry for any of these broads. there are some women you truly feel bad for in life, not ONE single chick on any of these shows do i feel bad for. i think its all their own fault (at this point) and airing out your sh*t on TV is SO not the business.

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  8. Thanks for that very funny recap that stated exactly everything that I was thinking! This show is a damn shame, but if people really choose to be pimped on TV for a paycheck, then I guess the madness will never end. This show is beyond scripted which makes it so much worse to watch. I don’t know Mimi and never heard of any of these girls before, but I cannot believe Mimi can really be that stupid. Please tell me she is really not that stupid in real life. This show displays women at their lowest point, and what happens when you let low self esteem and insecurity take over you very existence, you let a man take advantage of you and call it love. Oh well I hope the check is worth it.

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    • “This show displays women at their lowest point, and what happens when you let low self esteem and insecurity take over you very existence, you let a man take advantage of you and call it love. Oh well I hope the check is worth it.”

      You’d be surprised how many people are willing to put themselves out there and embarrass themselves to make some money
      (See: the “Real Houseviwes” franchise- or Aubrey *snickers*).

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    • And that alone may be why Toya isnt on the show. I will take Tiny and Toya on BET over Love and Hip Hop on VH1 anyday.

      And that wasnt even that hard to type.

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      • Lmao, I saw an episode where she accused him off steppin out on her early on in the relationship. Then he accused her of the same thing. She got real quiet then started beating on him talking about how the wedding is off and he just sat there. So which one’s self esteem are you talking about hers or his?

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        • That was so embarrassing. I don’t know if I could recover from an argument like that. And she got up in his face and screamed right-in-his-face. Who could deal with someone like that? Then she went to therapy to “figure out if she’s the problem.”

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      • OMG- this is my new addiction. I think we need to discuss this show within the context of domestic violence by women. She be straight tagging him on camera. Nobody’s coming to dude’s aid!

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  9. I’m just thankful for small mercies—no one got punched in the face in the first episode. I just kept asking myself–have these women absolutely no self esteem?….Josaline just accepting that woman on the side role…Mimi–she needs a prayer, and Lil Scrappy’s baby mama taking him back after the Diamond drama…

    We can do better people.

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    • What’s this “we” business? You got a mouse in your pocket? Those people have nothing to do with me. Really. Just like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of NJ don’t represent Italians. They represent a group of ridiculous people who happen to be Italian. Anybody who thinks these people represent all Blacks are ignorant. Ignorant people are not worth paying attention to. See? Shame problem solved. You’re welcome.

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      • Thank you. Skin color and hair texture don’t put me in the same categories as those folks. Yes, the diaspora links us…but that’s about it.

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        • And I have some cousins just like them. Love them bunches. But they are a representation of themselves. That’s it. But we do share the party hard and get it on gene. I just use condoms, quit after three or four drinks and leave the bar before the shooting starts.

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          • ” But we do share the party hard and get it on gene. I just use condoms, quit after three or four drinks and leave the bar before the shooting starts.”

            hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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  10. VH1 is really reaching with these “I’m The Baby Mama of _____________ and Need VH1 to Cut Me This Check” shows as of late. Joseline reminds me of a moderately functioning feral child :-/ I would enjoy not hearing her speak, ever again.

    I suppose I’ll find some new web series to follow *deep sigh*

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      • I am DEFINITELY throwing all the shade at that “show” *pulls branch off nearest tree and hurls it at VH1 execs” lol

        Honestly, who are these women? I should be on VH1 for dating the tenth cousin, twice removed, of Lil Zane because he’s so relevant in 2012.

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