A Ranking Of The Most Awkward Things That Happen In Strip Clubs » VSB

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A Ranking Of The Most Awkward Things That Happen In Strip Clubs

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I love strip clubs.

My answer to everything is to “go down to the skrippas.” I shit you not, back in 2007 I said “When I die, I want it to be at Magic City.” If I had recorded that …

A few months ago, an associate of mine decided that the best way to deal with being asked to leave a bar was to wild out on the manager – who promptly said “Oh really?” and walked away in the manner that usually indicates you’ll soon be visited by a large man who doesn’t use his words much (I call him the Ghost of Ass Whoopins past). I told her it was time to dip off before we got bounced. Her response: Fuck bounced!

And that is how I knew she a) was drunk as fuck and should never accompany me out after 11 p.m.; and b) had never been to a strip club. If she had experienced that awkward moment when Refrigerator Perry’s people’s run up on you with nostrils set to maximum flare, she’d not be so reckless.

See, I know something about strip clubs, including that they’re real good for awkward ass moments. Getting bounced is just one of the roughly 493 awkward moments you can expect to have at least once at a strip club. Below, I’ve detailed the Top Awkward Moments that can take your strip club visit to the left, quickly.

5. Dude next to you is about to get bounced

The only thing more awkward than getting bounced yourself is watching the run up to someone ELSE getting bounced. It usually begins when dude next to you starts asking the stripper if he can eat Skittles out of her booty hole or some other no chill bullshit cats do when they’re gone off that brown.

Tension builds. Around the time you’re estimating how many degrees to move your chair north by northeast to avoid catching collateral elbows, Stripper signals Chick at the Booth who signals Manager. The Kracken – usually some big-ass-stackable-washer-dryer-shaped ninja named LeTron – is released.

The homey’s snatched up and tossed out the door, by his collar and shit, like a cartoon character. Straight Wile E. Coyote’d. They might even toss the man’s coat behind him.

Alright, I’ve never seen the coat toss. But I’ve seen enough general yokings to know the shit is all the way not cool. So when yet another associate of mine began taking cell phone pix in the strip club – with flash! – I automatically started humming The Upper Room.

LeTron and them swooped in us locust-style with the stark grimaces, but I’m happy to say I convinced them the top of my friend’s skull never closed.

Our asses remained intact – this time.

(Panama Edit: I actually got kicked out of a strip club a few months ago because a friend of mine who was taking a selfie in the strip club (I don’t know why either) got accused of taking pictures of the strippers. Said strip club collapsed a few months after that. I’m not saying it was karma. It wasn’t karma. My friend is an idiot.)

4. You accidentally sat in the strippa chill zone (free dirty looks and ass sweat!)

Every strip club aficionado has, at some point, found himself awkwardly roaming around a new spot trying to discreetly tell the VIP from the more desirable “I ain’t really tippin’ so don’t come ‘round here with the eye of the tiger ho” section. During said wander, there’s a great chance of sitting in the Strippa Chill Zone.

I don’t really know how exhausting clapping one’s cheeks to a trap bassline is, but apparently it’s tantamount to pulling an SUV by a chain with your teeth, ‘cause every strip club I know has an area full of wiped out dancers taking a load off. Only thing missing is hammocks.

Problem is, said section is not exactly marked. More than once I’ve sat down only to notice everyone near me happened to be ass naked and covered in glitter. And the worst part isn’t even the snake eyes you’ll get. Oh no – it’s the realization that ass sweat is real and there ain’t enough Calgon body spray to erase that fact.

And now you sat in it. Look at your life.

3. You touched the stripper’s money

Little known fact: The phrase “Ike don’t need no help!” started in a strip club. Ok, it should have started in a strip club, so that makes it true.

When cash is raining down, there’s rarely any order. I’ve been in a club where I almost slipped and bust my entire ass on cash. It was everywhere. Can you imagine what they would have said in my funeral program?!?

Anyway, strip club novices may feel tempted to “help” the girls out by moving the money out of the way. Said moment usually ends with a stripper holding a knife to your throat, Celie and Mister-style.

Remember when that bus driver uppercutted that chick into inner space a while back? Or when New Jack City boss Nino Brown stabbed Christopher Williams’ character in the hand in a naked act of anti-quadroon aggression? That’s the type of shit that will happen if you touch stripper money.

Also: Did you NOT just see her place that dollar on her ass and “blow” it off? Yeah, I’m so good on that.

2. You’re getting a lap dance

Lap dances are, by default, awkward. If you’re getting the dance, you have to cook up a suitable reaction – tricky given that 62% of all lap dances are wack (scientific fact!). Do you encourage her for giving it the ole college try – and risk 10 songs of wackness? Or do you look away in disgust, which may actually make her turn up the juice? And just how the hell do you stop a dance, good or bad? You’d best figure out quickly, because I’ve seen what happens when you’re 19 songs in and can’t pay: They’ll walk you right over to the ATM and stand next to your ass while you put in your PIN. Gotta love Atlanta, man.

I’m a cheap broad, so I already know I’d be like Chris Rock on my “one rib.” Can I get one verse please? Not a song, just a verse thanks. Do I have to pay for both booty cheeks bouncing? I really am not greedy – you can just do one cheek. Also, do you take Sacajawea dollars?

Yeah, that wouldn’t go over well.

2a. You’re getting a FREE lap dance

Vanity_6_Nasty_GirlYou will never, ever get a free dance from a dancer you like. Nope. Now, the one dancing in the white tights with the reinforced toe? Yeah, her in the old Vanity 6 “Nasty Girl” costume. She’s ready to be your private dancer. Every. Time.

A few months ago I was in a spot doing what I do (i.e. eye-pimping somebody else’s private dance) when I caught this Becky’s eye. I’m not into Beckys myself, but if I were gonna go the great white way, I’d lean away from the type of Becky who dances at a Black strip club. Because THAT type of Becky always a) keeps cocaina in her coocoocachoo or b) has flunked out of Bethel Bible College.

This one belonged in the latter group: Not sure what failed in her life, but she was now erratically body rollin’ to a tribal beat that only she could hear in a “transitional” part of Atlanta. In a sexy sailor suit. Life choices mane.

She saw me and was in love. And so began a very long evening of awkward air humping and more awkward eye contact. It was almost as awful as the time this stripper bit me in Petersburg, Va.

1. He’s seriously trying to talk to you.

Hands down the most awkward moments that you can encounter (after being bounced) in a strip club involve being a woman. From being mistaken for a dancer (because of COURSE a dancer would be sitting at a table, wearing close-toe pumps, and jeans and holding her purse and keys and cell phone…) to encountering dancers in the bathroom. What’s awkward about that last part you ask? Have you ever seen a stripper in full fluorescent light?!?!?!

But my personal favorite is when ole boy eases up to you and hits the good “How are YOU doin’?” Seriously, parties, cook outs, damned job interviews – why the eff does “Can I Holla Nigga” always have to show up blowing everybody’s high?

Moreover, the shit is just not logical. I mean, I’m not a man, but I’m thinking that if my entire goal in life was getting my penis serviced, I’d target the people most likely to comply. This might include drunk broads, or even, I dunno, the chicks who are on stage tying their labia into bows. I’m convinced that any dude who tries to holla at the strip club is actually trying to come out of the closet to me. As a rainbow warrior from way back, I know my tribe!

Dhiraj Naseen

Dhiraj Naseen aka The Hostile Negress is a renowned ratchetologist and celebrated advocate of foolishment. An aspiring spinster, her hobbies include judging, not minding her business and yoga. Her spirit animal is an octopus, because she says so.

  • Baemie St. Patrick

    The weirdest thing that has happened to me in a strip club was someone asking did I want a job there.

    • Medium Meech

      Sooo… you’re not going to finish the story?

      • camilleblu

        lol..you are so random meechie.

        • Medium Meech

          I’m saying though. Did she accept? Do they have good dental? Has Drake referenced her in a song? She left us with a lot of unanswered questions.

      • Baemie St. Patrick

        Picture it: Kansas City, 2009ish . it was my 25th birthday. after a few drinks and couple dances (one from a talented thick ass white chick. I was thoroughly impressed but I should have known. She had “the haircut”) the DJ shouted me out and told me happy birthday blah blah blah and I somehow ended up on stage and I twirled around the pole. Then came the job offer. I was fully clothed, not a size 8, and I didn’t swag surf with no hands from the pole. Dunno where this offer came from. I did take an application to become a waitress doe. Fin.

  • Jiovan

    From personal experience…..
    1. Watching a stripper land in front of me and my boys from a fall off stage due to a misstep with those 6 inch heels….and holding in a laugh until one of your friends snickles……
    2. Watching a beautiful stripper get 6 dances out of my boy…..AND THEN she opens her mouth to smile and is missing her two front teeth. (HILARIOUS btw)
    3. Having a stripper flirt for real…i.e. “You’re cute I’m not going to charge you…here is my number”
    5. The water bottle trick…..(deathwish for any stripper that lands a drop on me)

    • Jiovan

      Also there was the “This is my first time in a strip club experience” …. I walked through the door like http://www.funnydogsite.com/pictures/Big_Smile.jpg

    • He who thinks before he speaks

      Worse than the water bottle trick, a banana show. Google the definition.

      • Jiovan

        wow……that’s some super hero ish….

        • He who thinks before he speaks

          Never eat the banana

          • Tx10inch

            Nope.

      • Meridian

        Guh-rose to both of these (although TBH, I kinda wanna see a banana show). My phobia of strip clubs is that any type of liquid will come off a stripper and land on my lip or something. I can’t.

        • Lea Thrace

          really wish I hadnt read that comment as I was starting to eat my lunch. Instant loss of appetite.

          • Aly

            ME TOO!!

            • Meridian

              lmao. My bad you guys.

              • camilleblu

                ouchea making folks gag on their lunch n’ shyt…smh

                • Meridian

                  Bouta struggle through my own in a few minutes.

        • He who thinks before he speaks

          Don’t worry, they won’t try and feed the banana to you. They only do it drunk Marines lol.

      • Epsilonicus

        My uncle was in the military in Cali. Him and his shipmates went to Mexico and was duped into seei mg a donkey show smh.

        • He who thinks before he speaks

          “duped into seei mg a donkey show”

          Sure, that’s what they ALL say.

          • Epsilonicus

            The club said they had girls. They didnt say they had donkeys

            • He who thinks before he speaks

              There’s a reason the brass doesn’t allow military to go to Mexico anymore lol…

    • Hostile Negress

      The worst part of the stripper tumble (which I too have seen) is that you’re not really sure whether you should help, for the same reasons why you don’t wanna touch the money.

      PS: I’ve also seen a wig come clean off.

      • Jiovan

        We offered to help her up….but seeing “Egypt” take that tumble was still hilarious

  • BreezyX2

    I read the title and immediately thought it was written by PeeJ.

    • panamajackson

      There are many folks with similar tastes around here. LOL

    • Imoteda

      haha me too. I actually had to scroll up halfway like this isn’t Panama doe

    • Wild Cougar

      I was 3/4 down when I saw the picture before I realized it wasn’t PJ

  • Lea Thrace

    I lost it at “naked act of anti-quadroon aggression”

    I gleefully await more posts from you madam!

    • Hostile Negress

      A day when I can work octoroon into copy is a good day!

  • My cousin went to the strip club with his boys for the traditional bachelor party shenanigans. He came back with a $h!t stain down the front of his shirt. WHOLE. NIGHT. RUINED. What made it worse is that they drove an hour out of town (the night before the wedding) to go to this specific strip club because its the nicest one in the area. 2 hour trip just to ruin a perfectly good shirt.

    • Rachmo

      Excuse me? A WHAT stain???

    • Aly

      Yikes.

    • Hostile Negress

      I think I speak for everyone when I say what in all fucks … was he in Virginia or Florida? I’ve narrowed it to those two states.

      • Nope. He was in NC…and not a backwoods, juke joint type establishment either (which was my first question to him, lol)

        • pls

          I live in NC and we were in the country when i first went to one. Peaches asks me for a dance and I can feel stubble on her thighs scraping mine. I didn’t learn that typical dancers don’t really touch the customer unless they want…something more.

          the owner of the one i served drinks in told me he had a church before he owned the club 0_o

          • Epsilonicus

            I met a stripper with knife wounds. I moved away from her with the quickness.

            With the way folks behave, ain’t much difference between the church and the club

    • camilleblu

      *gag*

      #lissen – that broad wudda had to reimburse me for the cost of my shirt AND the cost of that E.R. visit i was headed directly to so i could make sure i ain’t catch some e-coli or some shyt from HER shyt. becuz. no.

      • IcePrincess

        Nah, you get dookie on my shirt, and it’s YOU who’s gonna need the ER ????

    • Angel Baby

      My mouth dropped for what felt like 5 mins after reading that!!!! So disgusting eeewwwwwww!!!! I can’t even laugh at him. Gross! He better have taken his shirt off.

    • miss t-lee

      *dry heave*

    • amina

      I would have called the department of health to get that joint shut down. Soooo unsanitary.

    • Ugh..i know he was smelling ass and booty sweat ALL NIGHT.
      I got a lap dance at a club on one particular occasion…and i don’t know WHAT was goin on with this lady but every clap of the cheeks sent a smell of ass + what i imagine the ocean would smell like if it were drained. i couldn’t even focus on the booty clappage in front of me. I just gave her the money halfway through the song and slid past her on the floor like that one episode of Family Guy.
      Bad Body Odors. Please add this to the list.

  • PhlyyPhree

    This:

    “It was almost as awful as the time this stripper bit me in Petersburg, Va.”

    But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?! Lol
    I need to know.

    • Hostile Negress

      So the chick was named Diamond, because they’re always named Diamond. In this particular club, they WILL come off the stage to like, “interact” shall we say.

      Well she came up on me and faster than you could say Cujo, she bit me on my neck.

      I’m pretty open about having an anxiety issue, so I’m surprised I didn’t go to the ER that very minute! Curiously enough, her and another stripper there both liked me for some bizarre reason and had “beef” over me. Hilarious given that I don’t tip.

      • PhlyyPhree

        el oh el. I’ve learned how to side step strippers….which means I probably spend WAY too much time in the strip club, but still. It’s a lesson that has served me well.

    • pls

      when your first experience is in a hole in the wall place where the chics don’t even wear heels, they just climb the pole in their mismatched footies *how did i get here*

      • Lea Thrace

        That’s reevaluate your life territory friend…

      • miss t-lee

        Not the footies. LMAO

    • Epsilonicus

      I hope she gotta tetanus shot

  • ED

    Strip clubs are my favorite past time.

  • pls

    5. you get asked to be an extra in a petey pablo video…and it’s not 2001 anymore. and petey is the same height as you when you take your heels off. (video still has not seen the light of day)

  • SuperStrings

    My first strip club ever was Nikki’s VIP on Stewart Ave. Couldn’t have cars on campus as freshman, so four of us took a cab there. It was amateur night. Juwan Howard and Kevin Duckworth made it rain that night. Almost got bounced over the two drink minimum. RIP Nikki’s.

    • BreezyX2

      You come out of lurking to talk about car pooling to a strip club??! SMH. iCan’t.

      • SuperStrings

        I thought Fridays were designated for trifling ratchetness! lol How you doing though?

        • BreezyX2

          It is and you are keeping that tradition. I am good man. Where you been hiding?

          • SuperStrings

            Just been crazy busy the last couple months. Ready for a break. Gotta get through this 2.5 hour conference call first though. lol

      • Epsilonicus

        When I was in college it took 3 cabs to get to the strip club lol

        • BreezyX2

          #Dedicated #Manonamission

          • Epsilonicus

            College… the things you do in your youth

    • panamajackson

      Did you ever go on Wednesday afternoon? They had free lapdances with purchase of a few drinks. Like one free lapdance.

      • SuperStrings

        I didn’t get hip to the afternoon game until junior year; Atl native put me on. You can’t unsee some of that stuff.

      • camilleblu

        i feel like any advertisement that includes the words *free lapdance* needs to make you reevaluate your life choices.

        • panamajackson

          When you’re in college, free anything is the win. Plus, if you know the A like I know the A, strip clubs are basically like going to the movies. It’s not that big of a deal.

  • BreezyX2

    I have never been to a strip club or experienced a stripper. I ain’t about dat life. Soooooo I will just sit over here in the Vanilla corner, sip this tea and pass judgement on everyone’s stories.

    *fluffs bean bag*

    • Aly

      I’m waiting for Bunni’s strip club story. I’m 99% sure she has a great one.

      • BreezyX2

        Right?!?! Where is Jay? Jay stay coming through with some “just when you thought he can’t have anymore perverted stories” and drops another one. Or IcePrincess, where they at?

        • Aly

          *nods head* I will say though I do NOT care to hear Todd’s strip club story.

          • BreezyX2

            *shudders* Its probably laced with fleshlights and whatnot.

          • camilleblu

            lol

        • IcePrincess

          Here I am! Gurl I used to BE a stripper when I was a kid. Got my job the night of my 18th birthday. One thang bout me, I’ve always been a paper chaser. But it only lasted like 6 months. Then I found out about a way to make the REAL money wit my clothes ON, and the rest is history…

          • BreezyX2

            Ice: I swear fa gawd you have done it all.

        • Kema

          I use to hang at a skripper ‘spot’. Meaning it wasn’t exactly legal. Anywho… I’ve seen the water bottle trick mentioned earlier performed. Some of the water spilled on another chick which led to a rash on her leg the next day. Smh!!!
          *waves* Hey Breezy!

          • BreezyX2

            *waving* Kema!!! I am not even Google that mess. That sounds worst than anything Todd has mentioned participating in.

    • LadyIbaka

      Hey Breezy baby!!

      • BreezyX2

        Hey Mami!!!!

    • So what’s your judgement of me Judge Breezy?

      • BreezyX2

        *le sigh* Alas Toddy, the interwebs don’t have the capacity for me to give you the complete unedited version…lub u doe… you and your lil protegee in training, Malik.

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