A List Of Things I Care More About Right Now, At 2:05 PM EST, Than I Care About O.J. Simpson’s Parole Hearing » VSB

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A List Of Things I Care More About Right Now, At 2:05 PM EST, Than I Care About O.J. Simpson’s Parole Hearing

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1. This surprisingly tasty gluten-free donut I just ate 17 minutes ago.

2. The thought of whether its too soon to get another donut, and if two donuts in an hour is a decision I really need to be making, even if said donut is gluten-free.

3. The homie Aisha Harris’ review of Girls Trip, which makes me want to see it now.

4. Whether I should have left the windows in my car cracked a bit because its hot as fuck in Pittsburgh today.

5. The fact that it’s only 82 degrees (but 82 and humid in Pittsburgh is like 112 anywhere else).

6. If my nipples are going to sting again after basketball tonight.

7. How I, a few years ago, criticized and ridiculed the numerous Yoga-attire themed shops that seemed to be populating every bougie-adjacent mall and business district. And how I feel stupid as fuck about that today, because “Yoga pants and a shirt of some sort” seems to be the preferred attire now for every 19-to-39 year old White woman in Pittsburgh.

8. The rumor that the Cavs might sign Derrick Rose, who’d be a clear upgrade over Deron Williams but virtually useless against the Warriors — which should be the only consideration with any move the Cavs make. But because they’re run by Dan Gilbert — still the single worst person in professional sports — it apparently isn’t.

9. The paradox of writing about how much I don’t care about something.

10. The good beard day I’m having today. I think the humidity is giving it some moisture, flow, and lusciousness.

11. The ethical quandary of eating chicken and eggs at the same time.

12. That I literally spelled quandary “conqdrey” just now while waiting for spellcheck to bail me out.

13. This plate that the gluten-free donut was given to me on, because it seems like a waste of a plate.

14. This chapter I just finished writing about this time a few years ago I almost got into a fight over a plate of Eat n Park buffet bacon.

15. Finishing the homie Samantha Irby’s book. Which I haven’t done yet because I don’t want to read anyone else’s book while writing my own because I don’t want to somehow allow their words and thoughts and concepts and jokes to influence mine in any way.

16. How weird what I just said probably sounds.

17. Watching Dad Joke battles on Facebook.

18. Feet.

19. Natal chart tattoos.

20. On the “They just ran out of avocado toast!” to “They just cast a Black Batman!” spectrum on the White Person Outrage Scale, how much will they (collectively) care if O.J. gets out?

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    Re: 8. Derrick Rose can finish at the cup. Against the Warriors defense having one more guy that can do that could help. Rose plus J. Green plus Calderon plus young boy from Turkey is a good offseason.

    • It’s Melo or a bust.

      • mr. steal your costco samples

        we getting Melo. just a question of now or later.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    11. The ethical quandary of eating chicken and eggs at the same time.
    If a rooster can eat chicken nuggets, yes this is real, you can eat chicken and eggs at the same time.

  • I feel you on the reading while writing. Sometimes I have to rephrase things because they sound like something Panama would say.

    • LadySiriboe

      You are writing a book too??

      • I’m writing a fiction but I blog too.

        • LadySiriboe

          What’s the fiction about

    • cysinblack

      Maybe you two have similar voices because you share an orientation and are in shape. Although you are more than him since all he got going for his body is slenderness.

      • Thank, I think. Panama will not be impressed with this comparison.

        • cysinblack

          Laughs. My writing samples to him have been below amateur.

  • VeronicaMars

    11. The ethical quandary of eating chicken and eggs at the same time.

    We had an African Grey Parrot and when we ran outta bird food, I used to feed her scrambled eggs.

    7. “Yoga pants and a shirt of some sort” seems to be the preferred attire now for every 19-to-39 year old White woman in Pittsburgh.

    I wear yoga pants with a lot of my shirts. And heels.

  • Glo

    Weird fun fact that I didn’t know until about 5 years ago: OJ used to be a close family friend. Dude was regularly kicking it at my great grandma’s house because he went to high school with my great aunts. My mom remembers seeing him around when she was a kid.

    My great aunt says he’s literally too dumb to have gotten away with murder, so she was amazed by the first court ruling.

    • miss t-lee

      Wow. What a story.

      • Glo

        I was so mad that no one told me, and my mom was just like “Huh. I thought you always knew.”

        • miss t-lee

          LMAO Funny, how your family always assumes you know things.

    • MsSula

      Ok… how old does that make you though? Loll.

      • Glo

        I am 27, lol.

        • MsSula

          Oh ok. I love seeing people who know their great grandmothers. It’s so rare around these parts.

          • Glo

            Yeah (fortunately) people on my mom’s side of the family live to be super old.

  • Queen@

    I am eating a gluten free, plaeo, keto friendly chocolate cupcake and grilled chicken right now. Content. :-)

  • NotToday

    The prime minister of Japan’s wife pretending not to speak English to avoid talking to Cheetolini:

    • MsSula

      She is preserving her sanity. Good for her.

    • Tam

      Sad thing is if she did, she would have been more fluent than him

      • Patriciakking

        my roomate’s mother in law makes $93 an hour on the laptop… she has been unemployed for ten months, last month her check was $13106 working on the internet five hours each day… ?see? this page

    • SororSalsa

      I’m sure she’s trying to avoid getting grabbed in the taco.

      • Tam

        Or having a strange monologue about having the best hands, 45 that is, and how glorious it was to shake hands

        • SororSalsa

          Ugh…and you know how he likes to assert his dominance via a handshake. Every time I see him trying to take down another world leader with his tiny, tiny hands, I shudder.

          • Tam

            I mean we got this

            TRUMP: He’s a great guy. Smart. Strong. Loves holding my hand.
            HABERMAN: I’ve noticed.
            TRUMP: People don’t realize he loves holding my hand. And that’s good, as far as that goes.

            How much appeal can there be in touching a wrinkly ,orange, burnt hotdog smelling, limp, blob of a hand?

    • Diego Duarte

      I would congratulate her on that shade if it wasn’t because Shinzo Abe is a very vocal fascist and n a z i adjacent.

    • PDL….HE still working on me

      I LOVE this

    • I do this all the time… She is my crush for the week….lmao

  • cysinblack
  • Darkchloe144

    You and donuts is me and muffins. I had to give up chocolate muffins from the Corner Bakery :(.
    Glad your beard is in prime condition today.
    As for 15 and 16, that is some truth. After analyzing the Road and Blood Meridian for one class I found my creative writings for other classes came out, er, similar stylistically and tonally without even trying sometimes. Whatever you read kinda comes out later in unexpected ways, lol.
    Agreed on not caring about the OJ parole hearing.

  • K_

    I thought it was just me smh.. i dont have cable so im flippin and flippin and nothing but OJ. It felt like I was in 8th grade all over again..deja vu

    Mine-> gettin myself out of bed to buy a salad for dinner tonight

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