A List Of Things I Care More About Right Now, At 2:05 PM EST, Than I Care About O.J. Simpson’s Parole Hearing » VSB

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A List Of Things I Care More About Right Now, At 2:05 PM EST, Than I Care About O.J. Simpson’s Parole Hearing

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1. This surprisingly tasty gluten-free donut I just ate 17 minutes ago.

2. The thought of whether its too soon to get another donut, and if two donuts in an hour is a decision I really need to be making, even if said donut is gluten-free.

3. The homie Aisha Harris’ review of Girls Trip, which makes me want to see it now.

4. Whether I should have left the windows in my car cracked a bit because its hot as fuck in Pittsburgh today.

5. The fact that it’s only 82 degrees (but 82 and humid in Pittsburgh is like 112 anywhere else).

6. If my nipples are going to sting again after basketball tonight.

7. How I, a few years ago, criticized and ridiculed the numerous Yoga-attire themed shops that seemed to be populating every bougie-adjacent mall and business district. And how I feel stupid as fuck about that today, because “Yoga pants and a shirt of some sort” seems to be the preferred attire now for every 19-to-39 year old White woman in Pittsburgh.

8. The rumor that the Cavs might sign Derrick Rose, who’d be a clear upgrade over Deron Williams but virtually useless against the Warriors — which should be the only consideration with any move the Cavs make. But because they’re run by Dan Gilbert — still the single worst person in professional sports — it apparently isn’t.

9. The paradox of writing about how much I don’t care about something.

10. The good beard day I’m having today. I think the humidity is giving it some moisture, flow, and lusciousness.

11. The ethical quandary of eating chicken and eggs at the same time.

12. That I literally spelled quandary “conqdrey” just now while waiting for spellcheck to bail me out.

13. This plate that the gluten-free donut was given to me on, because it seems like a waste of a plate.

14. This chapter I just finished writing about this time a few years ago I almost got into a fight over a plate of Eat n Park buffet bacon.

15. Finishing the homie Samantha Irby’s book. Which I haven’t done yet because I don’t want to read anyone else’s book while writing my own because I don’t want to somehow allow their words and thoughts and concepts and jokes to influence mine in any way.

16. How weird what I just said probably sounds.

17. Watching Dad Joke battles on Facebook.

18. Feet.

19. Natal chart tattoos.

20. On the “They just ran out of avocado toast!” to “They just cast a Black Batman!” spectrum on the White Person Outrage Scale, how much will they (collectively) care if O.J. gets out?

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    I can’t muster up a tap of feelings for his situation. He beat a murder charge…..so it seemed. Rather than having 50 seats and thinking about his life, his kids, etc., he forgot where he was (America), and went left and caused his own demise. So yeah, I’m trying to get through a scary movie.

    • “As long as he doesn’t move on my block. ”

      #AmIARacist?

  • NotToday

    But where’d you get that donut from, though??

    • MsSula

      And now I think I want a donut. But I am not sure.

      • NotToday

        You want a donut, I can tell.

      • thamonsta

        You should get a donut

  • Mel

    I don’t understand the fascination with this. You get away with murder and then commit a public robbery, you deserve jail just for being stupid.

  • Simms~

    21. These Singapore style curry rice noodles I’m having from the Vietnamese fusion spot.

  • Marceline

    Will somebody please think about the Gen-Xers? We lived this mess in real time.

  • Jae Starz

    Nah but a Black Batman would be kinda dope.

    • Lol@ “He gon be lightskint doe.”

      • Jae Starz

        In this case I’ll allow it. LOL

        • You sound like you’re ready for Idris Elba to be Bond…

          • Jae Starz

            I’m not a Bond fan but I would be all over that! LOL

    • D-Nice

      “Blatman”!!

  • JulianWithTheRedCorvette

    Exactly nobody is going to care if OJ Simpson get’s out of prison. He’s not sexy anymore.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Lies! folks care. Trust me.

    • Simms~

      We may not but SOMEBODY outchea thinking he’s #prisonbae

      • JulianWithTheRedCorvette

        That’s depressing.

    • miss t-lee

      One of my twitter followers was talking about how he’s Daddy…so there’s that.

    • The real story is how absurd White people will be, either way. The answer, of course, is “very.”

    • grownandsexy2

      Some blonds are lined up right now waiting for him.

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Hey Champ where did you take the Mrs. yesterday?

  • Nat Mit

    22. I just got an email from Spotify titled “Stories as well as songs” that got me thinking… Did they always have podcasts? Or is this something new?

    • miss t-lee

      For about a year now.
      Mogul is one of the best I’ve heard, and I’m not a huge fan of podcasts.

      • LadySiriboe

        I don’t like podcasts.

        • MsSula

          I am a podcast junkie. But then again, I love talk radio.

          • LadySiriboe

            I like radio.

        • miss t-lee

          I don’t like terrible podcast. Lots of terrible to wade through, though.

          • LadySiriboe

            To me its people enjoying the sound of their voice.

            • miss t-lee

              Between the terrible sound quality at times, and topics I don’t give half a rat’s azz about, I’d rather not.

      • I listen to Cheekie & Berook, Desus & Mero, my homeboy’s pod cast (Throw Up Tackle), and Bomani’s podcast.

        Sound quality matters.

        • miss t-lee

          Some of these ones I’ve tried to listen to sound like they’re talking on a tin can phone.

  • Skegeeaces

    22. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. And what the f**k a woodchuck looks like.

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