A List Of Things I Care More About Right Now, At 2:05 PM EST, Than I Care About O.J. Simpson’s Parole Hearing
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1. This surprisingly tasty gluten-free donut I just ate 17 minutes ago.
2. The thought of whether its too soon to get another donut, and if two donuts in an hour is a decision I really need to be making, even if said donut is gluten-free.
3. The homie Aisha Harris’ review of Girls Trip, which makes me want to see it now.
4. Whether I should have left the windows in my car cracked a bit because its hot as fuck in Pittsburgh today.
5. The fact that it’s only 82 degrees (but 82 and humid in Pittsburgh is like 112 anywhere else).
6. If my nipples are going to sting again after basketball tonight.
7. How I, a few years ago, criticized and ridiculed the numerous Yoga-attire themed shops that seemed to be populating every bougie-adjacent mall and business district. And how I feel stupid as fuck about that today, because “Yoga pants and a shirt of some sort” seems to be the preferred attire now for every 19-to-39 year old White woman in Pittsburgh.
8. The rumor that the Cavs might sign Derrick Rose, who’d be a clear upgrade over Deron Williams but virtually useless against the Warriors — which should be the only consideration with any move the Cavs make. But because they’re run by Dan Gilbert — still the single worst person in professional sports — it apparently isn’t.
9. The paradox of writing about how much I don’t care about something.
10. The good beard day I’m having today. I think the humidity is giving it some moisture, flow, and lusciousness.
11. The ethical quandary of eating chicken and eggs at the same time.
12. That I literally spelled quandary “conqdrey” just now while waiting for spellcheck to bail me out.
13. This plate that the gluten-free donut was given to me on, because it seems like a waste of a plate.
14. This chapter I just finished writing about this time a few years ago I almost got into a fight over a plate of Eat n Park buffet bacon.
15. Finishing the homie Samantha Irby’s book. Which I haven’t done yet because I don’t want to read anyone else’s book while writing my own because I don’t want to somehow allow their words and thoughts and concepts and jokes to influence mine in any way.
16. How weird what I just said probably sounds.
17. Watching Dad Joke battles on Facebook.
19. Natal chart tattoos.
20. On the “They just ran out of avocado toast!” to “They just cast a Black Batman!” spectrum on the White Person Outrage Scale, how much will they (collectively) care if O.J. gets out?