Featured, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

A List Of People Ted Cruz Has Maybe Probably (Definitely) Murdered

Ted Cruz is no longer running for president of the United States. Which is good, because Ted Cruz is also maybe — actually, definitely — a murderer. But bad because not being president will give him more time to murder people. Which is what he (probably) does when he’s not running for office. Murder people.

Of course, calling Ted Cruz a murderer and insisting that Ted Cruz has murdered motherfuckers before is all speculative. Because I don’t really know if Ted Cruz is a murder. (Which he is.) I do, however, have a list of people Ted Cruz probably (definitely) would have murdered if he was a murderer. (Which, again, he is.)

A trucker in a Waffle House bathroom outside of Morgantown, West Virginia in 1989. The trucker asked Ted Cruz if he had a light. And Ted Cruz said “Yeah. I’m gonna light your bitch ass up” and murdered him.

His second grade history teacher. Eight-year-old Ted Cruz was upset he only received a 90 on an exam, and asked his teacher, a 32-year-old woman named Jane Vogel, if he could stay after school for extra tutoring. Ms. Vogel happily accepted his offer. During this private session, Ms. Vogel turned to the blackboard to write the next day’s lesson, and eight-year-old Ted Cruz hit her with a stapler. Murdering her. This was (probably) Ted Cruz’s first kill.

Her death was blamed on Ms. Vogel’s estranged ex-husband, John Vogel, a man whose last words before being electrocuted were “It was the boy!” Witnesses thought he said “tits on deploy” and ignored him. 

His second grade math teacher. Wishing to experience and replicate the euphoria of his first kill, 35-year-old Ted Cruz tracked and found his second grade math teacher (Meylin Johnson) in a retirement home in St. Lauderdale, Florida, and murdered him with the stereo from the car Ted Cruz stole to drive to St. Lauderdale. (Admittedly, Ted Cruz is a bit of a bad ass for that.)

A jogger in Dover, Delaware last summer. Ted Cruz has always hated exercise, and a jogger was on the “types of people I want to murder” list he keeps on Google Drive. He finally received his opportunity last summer while driving to Baja Fresh, as he noticed a jogger jogging on an empty road, and he ran him over with his car.

A box of Chick Fil A chicken strips three weeks ago. Ted Cruz didn’t actually murder the chicken strips. Because the chicken was already dead. But he really loves Chick Fil A chicken strips, and he attacked the box the same way he attacks people he’s about to murder.

The 29-year-old staffer who brought Ted Cruz the box of Chick Fil A chicken strips three weeks ago. One of the strips was lukewarm. And, unbeknownst to the now-murdered staffer, bringing Ted Cruz a lukewarm chicken strip is a murderable offense. So Ted Cruz murdered the hell out of that dude; drowning him in a bucket of Chick Fil A honey mustard sauce.

This is just a short list of Ted Cruz’s (probable) confirmed kills. Ted Cruz has maybe (definitely) murdered many others.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Other_guy13

    I’m sure he killed an opossum and is now using its face….lord I cant stand THAT man…uhhhhhh

    • BRNSMRF

      Yo! I’m crying here

      • Other_guy13

        Its true though!

  • MissusMaxwell

    He probably (definitely) has more bodies in his home country of Canada. Unsolved murders there can probably (absolutely) be pinned on ‘Cut ’em up’ Cruz.

    • Conrad Bess

      Don’t drop him on us. Your rules made him American. We’ll own up to Bieber and Dion, but poutine and the polio vaccine should cancel them out.

      • Tambra

        There are people that will kill you for Celine Dion.

  • Hugh Akston

    “A jogger in Dover, Delaware last summer”

    was that during firefly? i mean…

  • There is no way he didn’t kill Chandra Levy and got the poor guy to take the wrap just to gain those 5 delegates he has.

    • Tambra

      So it’s hereditary? According to Trump his dad was part of the plot to kill Kennedy.

      • Trump did have every bit as much evidence as Damon… Hmmmm

        • Tambra

          So Damon will be chief witness in case of a trial?

          • I’d watch it.

            • Tambra

              I hope he gives updates for those of us who can’t.

              • It would be the most epic dry snitch ever.

                • Tambra

                  I’m salivating at the thought.

  • Glo

    The “Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer” meme is pretty much the only positive thing to come out of this election cycle.

    It’s one small, hilarious drop in a very s h i t t y ocean.

  • Other_guy13

    Well he did cause a government shutdown…soooo…that’s one confirmed kill.

    • United_Dreamer

      More of a genocide.

  • NonyaB

    Cruz can’t help being murderous; it’s a hereditary trait he got along as part of being a Backpfeifengesicht (bak-fy-fn-ge-zich a face in need of a slap).

  • If 1 + 1 = 2

    Then maybe:

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7d/88/20/7d88205454f8f121be2549fdc0792e18.jpg

    Ted Cruz is Freddy Krueger in the daytime

    • Tambra

      Ted Cruz is anything horror related. Maybe his superpower can be the Morphing Horrorshow.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Then what is Trump?!

      • brothaskeeper

        Biff Tannen (alternate 1985)

        • Other_guy13

          Go to sleep sir…I can’t with you today lolololol

        • Don’t besmirch Biff Tannen’s name like that. Alternative 1985 is my vision of paradise. That and Pottersville from It’s a Wonderful Life.

          • brothaskeeper

            As a teacher and future administrator, I refuse to live in a world where I have to wear a flak jacket and a 30-ought with my male nightgown. Biff did have a live crib, though.

            Slacker!

          • Tambra

            Why didn’t you just say Pleasantville.

            • Never saw the movie Pleasantville. Good point though.

    • Momofuku O’Murphy
  • Amen

    Ol my favorite movie is The Purge lookin…..

  • Mortal Man

    This is serious, y’all. Cruz is a chump. Trump has essentially won the Republican today with Indiana. There is no way the Republican Party can deny him the nomination without destroying themselves come Cleveland. Everything Black people have critiqued and feared in this nation is going to be one of two people competing for control of the greatest power in our known universe- and polls do not show Trump losing in a landslide.

    The moral arc of the universe does not bend toward justice unless we force it to. Go register. Vote. Campaign and volunteer and give your Democrat of choice some Tubmans.

    • Betty’s Babygirl

      Resilients will survive whomever occupies the WHITE HOUSE just as we did those who occupied the BIG HOUSE. The difference now is we have a CHOICE. Don’t squander it by not voting just because your team isn’t in the finals. It may mean the difference on how well we survive. VOTE.

      • Mortal Man

        Resiliency should not be a condition for survival or prosperity. We left that maxim behind when we exited the state of nature.

        • Betty’s Babygirl

          I mistakenly hit reply instead of just posting. However, there are no coincidences so I’ll explain. I CHOOSE to refer to people of the Black Diaspora as Resilients:
          RESILIENT –
          (of a person or animal) able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.

          I agree resiliency should not be a condition for survival or prosperity. However, FOR ME it exemplifies who and how we NEED to be in this world. I’ve combined the existential with reality. We good?

          • Mortal Man

            We good. I work with children. I instinctively- and prematurely- cringed when I saw that because I get frustrated when I hear people tell poor Black children to just toughen up.

            • Betty’s Babygirl

              Oh no toughen up is not what I meant at all. Being resilient is actually the opposite. As a people we are full of it. It’s necessary for anyone’s survival. Life is going to kick you in the butt and you either stay down or get up. Hence, RESILIENCY!! Blessings to the children you work with and to all of our Resilient children :)

    • Dougie

      Cruz is worse than Trump.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      The Presidential campaign is a smoke screen folks; let history be your guide here. The REAL power over the next few years is in the House and Senate. If the Obama Presidency has shown me anything, I’ve learned that control of the House / Senate means nothing if you can’t get bills passed.

      If you look at the candidates, each has their own set of unique problems with the House / Senate. You’ve got the Democrats that have enough votes to hinder Cruz / Trump legislation, you have the Republican block that will make things tough for Bernie, and you have the Tea Party block that can make Trumps life miserable.

      John Boehner is sitting someplace with a smile on his face thanking the Lord he doesn’t have to deal with this mess.

      • DBoySlim

        Agreed. I always said that power is ranked this way: 1. Chairman of the Fed 2. President of the Senate 3. House majority leader 4. POTUS. Notice how low the President is. The legislature is the real power.

      • People forget what you say all the time. While the president is important, Congress and the state legislatures have way more pull than your recognize. States in particular fall under the radar due to the uniquely American tendency to have political and economic powers in different cities. In order to get an agenda pushed, you have to hit on multiple cylinders, and a lot of people don’t get that.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          “States in particular fall under the radar due to the uniquely American
          tendency to have political and economic powers in different cities.”

          Wisconsin and North Carolina are perfect examples of this

          • I would mildly disagree on NC simply because of the power of the Research Triangle. It’s more of a situation with multiple cities being equal in power in NC.

            The three states of the Tri-State area are classic examples though. Wait, we’re going to put state capitals in backwaters, making it difficult for people to follow what’s happening? A major reason behind state government corruption is that no one really pays attention to state government until the checks stop showing up.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              I’m not just talking about the current situation in NC; there’s been a Moral Mondays movement happening there for quite some time. The bathroom law is the icing on the cake.

              http://www.newsobserver.com/news/politics-government/state-politics/article19876353.html

              • Definitely agree. I have but two things to say. One is that Chris Rock was right when he said “”The other fourty states is filled up wit broke a$$ white people. Broke a$$ livin in trailer homes, Eating mayonaise sandwiches, f*ckin’ they sisters, listening to John Mellencamp records!”

                Two is go read Kevin Phillips’ “Cousins Wars”. It’s from the guy who literally wrote the Southern Strategy, and he wrote it as both a way to explain what he did and an apology. Once you understand that, you’ll never look at a map of the United States, let alone follow an election the same, again.

                • Mortal Man

                  It’s been this way since antebellum America. The only thing poor whites have are their racial sense of superiority, which makes them full citizens. They reassert it more in times of political upheaval (Reconstruction) or economic downturn (Great Depression).

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    You got me thinking of how poor whites in economically depressed Southern states voted against the ACA when it would have helped them the most.

                    The other parallel I would also note is the increase in Take Our Country Back activities also increases during the same periods too.

                  • That’s correct but not complete. Recognize how the law, particularly in the 19th century, was rigged to give them a boost up, lest they turn against the elites. It wasn’t mere rhetoric that set them against us, but cold hard cash.

                    • Mortal Man

                      True, true.

                      The root of all of this is the white belief of rugged individualism, which is the greatest myth American history has produced. Whites could not of tamed the American wilderness without indigenous help; the early economy was not built on wondrous machines, but the whip-scarred backs of slaves that constituted the highest source of wealth before the Civil War; the West was not won by Cowboys and six shooters, but government subsidization via the Homestead Act; pulling ourselves out the Great Depression required, in part, building a social safety net that also was melanin repellent. I could go on, but 9-5, y’know?

                    • Excellent points, but there are three things you need to remember. One is that the US is unique in world history in that it has a lot of sheer territory while keeping a light hand in terms of direct rule. When no one ever sees whose pulling the strings, particularly in an Era before mass communication, the rugged individualist myth isn’t a stretch. Two is that a lot of the exploitation was done to smooth over conflicts between Whites. Google the Whiskey Rebellion and Bacon’s Rebellion for what White people did before they decided to exploit the darkies. Three is that the US got incredibly lucky starting out when it did. Ponce de Leon’s original visit did a lot more damage in terms of pandemics then originally believes, meaning that the English fought against Native groups that were heavily weakened on empty, good quality land.

                    • Mortal Man

                      1) is it OK to be ambivalent on this point? Because the telegram and railroads really did fix a lot of those communication issues and allowed government to more efficiently administer land. Also, the military was very active in enforcing government will in expanding territories- think Buffalo soldiers and Reconstruction.

                      2) No disagreement. I feel Bacon’s Rebellion, specifically, should be taught throughly in high school as that’s when our current racial calculus was computed.

                      3) No disagreement.

                      4) Glad there’s another history buff here. I’m generally used to teaching it to high school students and it’s refreshing to talk shop with adults.

                    • Cheech

                      That Western subsidization is still going on in the “rugged individualist” states. Free extraction of federally owned mineral reserves; free or severely below-market grazing on federal lands; free or severely below-market water delivered by the government …. And yayhoos taking up arms against the government and occupying tool sheds to protest government taking “their” land that was never theirs.

          • I want to build a wall between SC and NC.

            • Val

              When a South Carolinian wants to build a wall between SC and NC, that’s really saying Something. But, while SC has a bad rep, which it deserves, North Carolina has been doing the same dirt as SC and worse while mostly going under the radar and having a rep for being a moderate Southern State.

              • They’ve been skating on the “We’re the good Carolina” rep forever. I’m not sure what happened during the 2014 elections but the G.O.P in Raleigh just said “Fcuk it!” A SC legislator from Lexington tried to copy NC’s HB 2 and Nimrata Haley was like like we aren’t doing that here. It wasn’t from the goodness of her heart but at least she was against it.

                #buildthatwallSC

            • Hammster

              There already is a wall…one of superiority. I always got the “I’m better than your vibe” from lots of NC’ns.

        • cakes_and_pies

          I KEEP TELLING MOFOS STATE LOCAL POLITICS AFFECT THEM MORE, but No one wants to listen.

          • Mortal Man

            The Democratic parties singular weaknes is mobilizing voters for midterm elections.

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          • Janisrcohen

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      • Mortal Man

        If Trump wins, we’re looking at the legislative, judicial, and executive branches all in conservative hands. We would be ever to erect a crazy land that would last a generation.

        • Epsilonicus

          Actually, it is highly possible that Trump may win the Presidency and lose the House and Senate. Meaning we stuck in the much for another 4 years

          • Sigma_Since 93

            I’ve said it somewhere on this thread that there are too many factions that exist to get stuff done. Trump would still have to deal with Cruz and the Tea Party block in an effort to get all Republicans behind a bill.

            Donald better hire Frank Underwood to be his whip.

            • Epsilonicus

              I think the Dems have a slightly more control of their big tent than the Republicans. Only slightly though. I think the left is a little less self-destructive. Or at least they haven’t gotten mad enough to be as self-destructive.

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