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We’ve had a rough two weeks, man. I mean, collectively it’s been a tough time to live in America with constant reminders of everything that’s wrong.
So how about we take a step back, breathe, and try to focus on a few things that are right with America? Yeah, cops are still killing black folks and crazy people with guns are making it hard for everybody, but we gotta try to accentuate the positive and whatnot, right?
Here’s just a quick list of a few things that aren’t so bad in America right now.
The city that’s proven that if you can’t make it anywhere else, you can make it there. Moving to Atlanta is the modern equivalent of heading out west to pan for gold. Are you unskilled labor in Cleveland looking for a fresh start as a party promoter or maybe you’re a cute chick who just graduated hair school in Chattanooga looking to become a model? If you have $300 and a metro Atlanta address, you’re home free towards your new life!
All joking aside, Atlanta really is a great city for fresh starts. They have a major airport, thriving culture, and a reasonable cost of living. It’s one of the few major cities where you can still live the middle class American Dream. Plus, everyone else there is an ex-pat, so you’ll feel right at home.
The man is God’s gift to speech and narration. Keith David’s voice carries equal parts of Paul Robeson’s gravitas and MC Ren’s badassery. He can recite the preamble to the Constitution and then tell a muthafucka to get him some Kool 100s without changing intonation while still sounding appropriate.
And he’s the voice of the United States Navy. Can you imagine an Ohio Class submarine surfacing off the coast of North Korea with Keith David standing on the bow telling Kim Jong Un to “Cut that nuclear monkey shit out”? I can, and I’m pretty sure global nuclear monkey shit would drop precipitously after that incident.
All Day Breakfast at McDonald’s
Because it’s proof that anything’s possible if you just believe.
America still makes Caddies. These awesome land yachts of luxurious petroleum consumption are the prototypical vehicle for embodying the American ethos. The President rides in one. Your pastor drives one. They’re used as hearses so they’re the last car most people will ever ride in.
There’s just something spine-tinglingly American (and unapologetically black) about driving a Cadillac. The gold accents, the spoked wheels, the fins, all of the needless opulence of the American existence rolling down the street. The Germans can’t do that.
Yes, they are technically Mexican, but as Americans we’ve adopted them and Columbused the shit outta what can constitute a taco. We even took a night on our good ol’ American calendar each week and dedicated Tuesdays to taco consumption.
Our friends south of the border blessed us with a simple vehicle for the consumption of protein, cheese, and vegetables and we smacked it up, flipped it, and turned it into brisket tacos, fish tacos, portabella mushroom tacos, fried chicken tacos, taco salads, walking tacos, and even dessert style choco-tacos. America without tacos would be a sad and barren wasteland of pizza and burgers only with Tuesday nights being the exclusive domain on casseroles.
The United States Air Force Thunderbirds
Because they’re totally rad and seeing F-16s do tricks in the sky can turn a grown man into a 9 year-old kid.
At the time of this writing, Willie Nelson is still alive and probably somewhere being cool as shit and smoking a joint. He’s the bridge between Conway Twitty and Snoop Dogg uniquely positioned as both an American institution and outlaw. But most importantly, he’s just really fucking cool.
The NCAA Tournament
Every year, for three weeks, almost every office working American schlub turns into a sports enthusiast and basketball expert. It’s one of the few seemingly egalitarian experiences in sports where, theoretically, any team can win. And when one of those any teams advances, it makes us feel like we can relate. It becomes our own allegory. We’re Butler or George Mason or Florida Gulf Coast in something that we’re doing whether we’re an underdog at work or being counted out on a personal level.
The Tourney is uniquely great and American because it’s the embodiment of equal access over just equal opportunity.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is a black woman from the South Side of Chicago and she’s spent the past seven plus years living in the White House. Whenever you want to get down on our country, our policies, our politics, or whatever, just remember that there’s an old black woman sitting in the White House serving as the unofficial Secretary of We Ain’t Having That Shit.
You think any funny business has gone down or is gonna come to pass with a old black woman holding down the fort? Nah, she ain’t having that shit. I bet them Obama girls say “please” and “thank you” and Barack knows not to put his elbows on the table at dinner. America’s going to be just fine as long as there’s an old black lady in the White House who’s really telling everybody what to do.