Featured, Theory & Essay

A Case For Why Turkey Is A Trash Meat We Should Never Eat Again

Let’s just cut to the chase: Turkey is wack. It tastes like mashed printer paper and primetime CBS programming. Yet, every year we find the bird back on our tables on Thanksgiving, in the refrigerator on Black Friday, on a sad-ass turkey sandwich on Cyber Monday, and in the trash sometime after that.

Before you begin to raise your grease stained paw to interject that “My momma, grandmama, big momma, abuela, nne nne, babushka, guardian’s, turkey ain’t dry.”

Yes, it fucking is.

It’s dryer than a crackhead’s lips.

There’s nothing you can do to salvage the physical dimensions of the bird. The meat to flavor ratio is just too damn high. Chicken wings are delicious because the physical size of the wing allows for maximum flavor seepage. It’s basic math. Density = Mass/Volume.

Sadly, too many of you are out there are trying to box with God. You simple mortals think you can bend the fabric of the universe and make our seasonal flightless fowl as delicious as a chicken or a duck. People are attempting, beyond all good reason, to fight the inherent dryness of turkey by engaging in culinary practices that range from ridiculously time consuming to absurd. Someone in your family is risking their time or maybe even their life trying these.

Brining

As a culinary technique, there’s nothing wrong with brining. You get some seasonings, boil ‘em up and sit your uncooked bird in the liquid and hope it absorbs some of flavor into the blank and empty canvas that is its flesh. That all sounds good until you realize, it takes at least a whole 24 hours of sitting in the fridge, to complete a good brine.

If you ever been the head chef on Thanksgiving, you know time and space are of the essence. You’ve got this big ass turkey in the fridge, taking up space, in a futile attempt to make it juicy, and now you’re trying to fit the potato salad in there. You move the potato salad on top of grandma’s sweet potato pie and everybody gotta eat smushed pie pancake because of you.

Do you really want to add a whole day to prepping?  Especially, if you get behind schedule. Think about the orange juice you’ll save and passive aggressive complaints you’ll dodge by getting your diabetic aunt fed on time.

Deep Fried

Scientifically, anything fried is delicious. If you go to any county fair across the country and you can get anything from Oreos to Kool aid battered, dipped in some kind of grease and fried up.

But, are you really willing to sacrifice Uncle Reggie’s life for some damn turkey?

First of all, you have to fry turkey outside because it could blow up your damn house.

Secondly, Uncle Reggie is neither a chef nor a professional chemist and he really should not be handling a ten gallon vat of flaming oil.

Every year there’s a fried turkey disaster, do you want it to happen to your family?

Do you know how Uncle Charles died in Tha Crossroads? I don’t know either but it they never said it wasn’t from fried turkey.

Plus, 7 times out of 10, it comes out hard as shit.

Pillowcased?

This right here is an indication of desperation. On the Today Show, a Mississippi woman presented a recipe that requires both the wasting of a new pillowcase with the fun of a potential house fire. Her family has fought against dry ass turkey for generations by placing it inside a pillowcase. Only bland turkey meat scraping joy from their tongues year after year could embolden these people to place cloth inside of an oven.

Don’t do this.

Turkey is unsalvageable. Don’t lie to yourself in an attempt to maintain tradition. I know your family dabbled with Islam during the seventies and your Aunt still doesn’t eat pork, but, make a ham people. Think about Uncle Reggie.

Brandon Harrison

Brandon lives in LA and has Hollywood stories that rival those of Rick James. He prides himself on staying righteous and knowing more about basketball than you.

  • PDL – Cape Girl

    Just stop with the slander. I’m a turkey (not processed) sandwich eating sister…..after Thanksgiving. Not big on cooking turkey for the heck of it. It’s gotta be Thanksgiving. Plus it yields tTHE best sandwich ever! Chips on the side, kosher pickle spear and a seriously chilled glass of icy diet Dr. Pepper. Man o man!! Plus, on any given day you can walk into Okay Cafe and get a

    Turkey Sandwich to go…..yuuuum Turkey for the win!!
    Anyhoo, I’m baking the best Premium Butterball ever tonight. It’s going to be well seasoned and moist and primed for left over sandwiches come Friday!

    • Brandon Allen

      What do you lubricate your throat with that enables you eat a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with only a little mayo?

      • MzGSquared

        dead.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        If you want to take “little” as in little mayo and be ignorant about it, then go head. Dude don’t come at me about nothing….especially surrounding throat lubbing, k? I’m grown.

        • Pinks
          • PDL – Cape Girl

            You strike me as trashy so umm, no. Buh bye

            • Pinks

              So we’re clear here….who strikes you as trashy?

              • PDL – Cape Girl

                Ya know…….NOAP, not today honty, I’z out
                Boop boop

                • Pinks

                  *files nails*

                  • RewindingtonMaximus

                    Just let it be. It’s ok.

                    • Pinks

                      lol..that was me letting it be. see how i’m occupying my fingers?

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Proud of you boo.

                    • Pinks

                      What you doing for Thanksgiving?

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Visiting a distant relative. They said they wanna do the cooking and hosting this year, so let them. I can finally not cook for once. After that, with your hubby’s permission, I’m stealing a plate from your side.

                    • Pinks

                      You lit. Nobody offers to feed me hmph.

                      And, I ain’t hosting this year, breh, so no plates to be had. I’mma just show up with my little modest dish of cornbread at my mom house and wait until the right opportunity to “make a store run” with my cousins

                      #thanksgivingwithblackfamilies

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Watch that store run take 2 hours and have yall return with a special fragrance and the munchies

                      #ThanksgivingWithBlackFamilies

                    • You must can’t cook. My collard green game is serious, my turkey game’s bananas, and don’t try to test the kid with sides and pies. One day, I’m just going to shut down the cooking game and reenact Denzel’s last scene from Training Day after everyone gets ninjaitis. LOL

                    • Pinks

                      Shaddup. I can cook, but in a family full of some pot burning a s s women with seniority, I just play the sidelines. Guyanese women are serious about the kitchen hierarchy, yo. Im not trying to get that cutlass to the face

                • RewindingtonMaximus

                  Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooa

                  Calm down B. Nobody was coming after you….put the gun down, relax.

                  You may not have liked Brandon’s comment but he wasn’t talking about you like some bird. Don’t throw shots all around now…it’s all good.

                  • The past 6 days have been so wild!!!

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      Aint it? It’s like everybody about to start swingin at a moment’s notice.

                    • Where is the holiday cheer damb it!

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      They need some drinks in their life, that’s why.

                      Let’s get some Honey Jack.

                    • Rum Chata is on my holiday spirits list.

                    • tgtaggie

                      I first discover honey jack this time last year. It was like meeting your soulmate lol

                    • RewindingtonMaximus

                      The way it hugs your neck on the way down…it’s like a polite stripper

                    • Mika

                      VSB streets a little live for the kid. -__-

                    • Charles Johnson

                      yo fo real tho!!! VSB went from my e-Negrotown to WSHH in a few posts. My fellow people, calm down, all is jokes and fun. ain’t nobody takin shots. hugs all ’round

        • Brandon Allen

          ….I was just talking about dry-ass turkey tho…

      • Pinks

        LMFAO LMFAO LMFAO

      • Damon Banner

        HAHAAAAAAAA!

      • Echo

        Dude, you gotta go to timeout,too! Lol I actually snorted I laughed so hard!

    • Tina

      I love turkey all year round lol, especially turkey sandwiches. My mama used to make turkey salad the day after Thanksgiving. #memories

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Me too. They are the best….none of that processed stuff. We didn’t eat turkey too often growing up, but when we did, I was sooo hoping there’d be enough for a turkey sammich! If you’re in the ATL or come any time in the future, check out Okay Cafe. On the “to go” side, you can walk in and they’ll carve the meat right off the 1 of 7 or 8 turkeys being cooked….

      • miss t-lee

        Mine too!!!

    • miss t-lee

      Butterball or nathan.

      • PDL – Cape Girl

        Zackly!

  • cakes_and_pies

    I’m not opposed to turkey, just to the half foil covered carcass taking up room in the refrigerator.

  • Nick Peters

    Only read the title…it’s time for someone to go to timeout

  • GLAMCAM

    Lawd, I died twice and am now in the Crossroads with Uncle Charles so he won’t be lonely.

  • LMAO I was stuck on “grease stained paw” OMG. But yes…Turkey IS trash. Each year I request my mommy do the noble thing…and bake a chicken or two. Turkey is just…blah.

    • MsSula

      Chicken is the blah-est meat there is. For real.

  • Brass Tacks

    Dope post mayne!

    • LadyIbaka

      Mmmmmhh!!! You soo fine.

  • Mo

    They have indoor fryers now I will be using mine for the third year in a row and its great!

  • Echo

    This was a good funny read. I must admit though, I have had fried turkey and that bird was the word that day. Luckily the guy that fried it wasn’t related to me in any form so if he had somehow blown himself up, I may have cried more for the turkey and my hunger than him. Also, my grandma makes turkey salad out of the leftover bird. I love that stuff so you will find me monitoring people’s intake so there will be some left for that salad. Yum yum yummy.

  • Pinks

    LMAO! I’m over the whole big turkey too; I’m advocating we do the breast instead.

    • miss t-lee

      Nah…gotta have them wings and legs mayne.

      • Pinks

        Wings, OK. Turkey legs? Nah, bro. Terrorism.

        • miss t-lee

          Smoked turkey legs are glorious.

          • Pinks

            Like the ones at Six Flags? I’ve never had one of them.

            I need my turkey leg cut up into pieces in order for me to consume it.

            • miss t-lee

              I’ve never had one at six flags…lol
              BBQ places here sell them, but they’re the entire leg.

              • Pinks

                That’ll be on my bucket list. Get me a good turkey leg.

                • miss t-lee

                  You gotta do it ma’am.

    • MsSula

      You and this breast… I can’t. :-) That’s actually the drier part of the turkey. Y’all must have been doing everything wrong.

      A good turkey brined and cooked right? Things of heaven. In the US, turkey is cheap meat. In the rest of the world, turkey is a delicacy reserved for grand holidays. La dinde de Noel is up there with all the gourmet meals.

      • Pinks

        I love breastisses!

        Maybe I’ll buy and make a small turkey with a brine. My grandma turkey is bomb by most standards, but them whole legs don’t agree with me.

  • miss t-lee

    Fried and smoked turkey are my shizz. Hardly even eat oven roasted anymore. Boar’s Head even makes sliced fried turkey for sammiches. The truth and the light.
    I’m sorry, someone served you a hard fried turkey.
    Bless your heart.

    • uNk

      I cant lie, fried turkey was pretty good the time I had it, but even then the trash turkey strikes again by making you go through so much trouble to fry the muffuga

      • miss t-lee

        Most folks who do it regularly already have the set-up. I promise it’s not that difficult…lol

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