Featured, Pop Culture

A Case For Why Serena Williams Should Be The Next Marvel Superhero

As a kid, I was never really into comics. I watched the occasional Saturday morning cartoons, but beyond that the unique arcs and storylines of the Marvel and DC universes is something that I’ve only come to understand more of in recent years. Usually while a male paramour is rabidly trying to explain the schism of the X-Men and Inhumans due to IP rights and I just stare blankly and finish my bourbon.

That said, I’ve always been a fan of the hypothetical “if you had to pick one superpower, what would it be?

Previously, my answer was always “the ability to take other folks talents” – which I know is like wishing for a million more wishes, but I figured I had precedent since the X-Man (or Woman? I don’t really know the proper vernacular here) Rogue pretty much had that same ability. And listen, I know there was a whole plotline where she couldn’t have sex or she would kill dudes by touching them. But I mean, couldn’t she just get some gloves? I digress.

My previous convictions are irrelevant anyway. The next time someone asks me what superpower I want, my answer is just going to be “Serena Williams.” Because you simply cannot convince me she isn’t a superhero at this point.

We all know that Serena is the best women’s tennis player alive, and arguably the best of all time. (If you don’t agree, feel free to e-mail me your rebuttal and I’ll detail in painstaking fashion the exact amount of ways you’ve got the game fucked up. And then I’ll find you and openhand smack you behind your left ear.) She’s inexplicably come back from presumably career-ending injuries in better shape than before. All while not even being a full-time professional athlete.

What I didn’t know is that when Serena isn’t busy assaulting folks on the tennis court, she is out here fighting crime.

Seriously. Serena busted out of a restaurant and chased down a petty thief without even batting an eye. I can’t even bother to give the teenagers who insist on playing music out loud from their cell-phones during my daily morning anything more than a stinkeye. The cops certainly wouldn’t have recovered it for her, even if she had Find My iPhone turned on (as I painfully learned the time my phone was stolen from a DSW). Props to her for saving the world from a 3,000 word Gawker article breaking down the leak of myriad of texts and voicemails of varying levels of simpitude and whiny passive-aggression of Aubrey Graham.*

At this point, do I even need to really make a case for Serena to be the next Avenger? I mean, what does Captain America do really besides be big and hot? We can kick him off the boat and bring some much needed diversity to the roster. Hulk doesn’t even want to be an Avenger! Let him go find love with Scarlett Johannsen. Avengers 4 (Or would the next one be 5? Or is it X-Men 5? What happened to simply numbering sequels? Subtitles are so hard to keep track of.) should have Serena front and center with a weaponized tennis racket and that catsuit she wore at the US Open.

Get on it Marvel. She has plenty of free time between the Australian and French open.

*I imagine they would all be along the lines of “I took Dior Kisha from VLive home after the show today, but I felt empty inside afterward because it wasn’t you.” Drake’s entire MO is romanticizing trash behavior.

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • Oluseyi

    Bump the Avengers. I want her to appear in a bunch of MCU films as “Ororo Monroe,” never using her code name (suck it, FOX!), and get wifed up by Black Panther. I’m still trying to find prints of her Annie Liebowitz Vogue cover so I can place the text “#GODDESS” in the corner and frame it over my home office desk.

    In summary: yes.

    • Lea Thrace

      I WOULD DIE if this movie happened. I mean have an actual heart attack and pass on to glory DIE. And I would be okay with it cause life would have been worth it to see this.

      • I don’t see her as Storm but definitely Monica Rambeau, Misty Knight, or 355.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Misty Knight FTMFW.

          If she could be part of the Defenders Netflix scenario…that would be awesome.

          Side note…Jessica Jones..this Friday broham.

          • Yep. Watching that for sure.

          • Lea Thrace

            I could see a couple of scenarios where they bring Misty Knight into the Jessica Jones series. I would be down with it. They have the Luke Cage thread to bring it together.

            I am trying not to get too hyped about Jessica Jones. My poor little heart couldnt take it if it sucks.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              It isn’t going to suck. Marvel is at the point of no return. If they screw up now, everything falls apart.

              The best part about all of this is how it was always assumed only the big time heroes would get shine, and yet every DC show out right now has shown you can include the smaller heroes and villains and they can get just as much shine. As long as Marvel learns that lesson as well, we are gonna have great TV.

        • God Shammgod

          I’m really about to tell on myself for this comment…

          but I saw that Misty name and went “isn’t Misty a *redacted*

          *slinks away*

        • They are FINALLY unitizing Monica. America is pretty much going to be a God though.

    • Val

      They don’t let attractive Black folks hook up with each other in films or on TV these days though. Unless it’s a comedy.

      • Lea Thrace

        They are going to have to with Black Panther. There is no way they can wiggle out of it with him. That would just be so absolutely flagrant. And I would give up on Marvel completely. Burn all of my collectibles give up. I would even burn my Stan Lee signed Captain America shield AND . That’s how pissed off I would be.

        I am getting prematurely angry just thinking about this.

        • Oluseyi

          They could simply elide it by not delving into Black Panther’s romantic life. Even with his own feature film, they could “postpone” that for the sequel, then conveniently never get around to it in Marvel Stage 2…

          There are a lot of ways they could avoid it, if they insisted on remaining anti-progressive. Here’s hoping Kevin gives as few fcuks as Obeezy and lets some sweet black lovin’ sweat all over the fanboys.

        • Have they cast anyone else for Black Panther other than T’Challa and Klaw?

        • LogicalLeopard

          I disagree. I don’t want BP hooking up with anyone. I never even liked the Storm thing, it seemed forced. Just let him go out there and be a hero.

          • Their marriage was whack. It was forced as h*ll then the way he curved her to end the marriage was worse. I liked her and Logan together more.

            The Coldest Winter:

            http://d1oi7t5trwfj5d.cloudfront.net/dd/784310dcf511e1baf122000a1d0930/file/IMG_0048.jpg

            • Lea Thrace

              #bitchmoves

              • An old Logan was there waiting with open arms waiting to pick up the pieces.

                • Lea Thrace

                  Logan has the strongest cleanup man moves.

                  • I think I remember an issue where Wolverine and Hercules spent an issue going over their body counts.

            • LogicalLeopard

              YES! The wedding was forced, and I think they went back and invented some stuff, because it wasn’t like they had a significant backstory. I mean, it’s one thing to think, “Oh, they would make a power couple,” but on the other hand, it’s kind of demeaning, like, “He’s African, She’s African…..they’re PERFECT for each other!”
              *LOL* That is undoubtedly the COLDEST letdown I’ve EVER seen. I like T’Challa, but I was like, “For real, bruh?”
              I’m an old school Storm/Forge guy. *L* I hope they get together sometime again.

              • My biggest problem was that they changed the back story. Originally she saved him when they crossed paths as kids but they went back made her the damsel in distress.

                • LogicalLeopard

                  Ahh, see, that’s just low. Especially when you have to do it that way. When has Storm ever been anyone’s damsel in distress?

              • He also gave her the Drake #marvinsroom #heystranger call after trying to throw salt in Wolverine’s game.

                • LogicalLeopard

                  *LOL*

              • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                Halle can’t even keep a man in the comic book, mmhaha! *runs out of the room*

                • LogicalLeopard

                  *LOL* Coollllllld Blooooded!

        • Nick Peters

          They can’t use Storm (20th Century Fox has the movie rights)

      • Oluseyi

        We’re working on it…

  • SHE is EVERYTHING!!! She should come back as Foxy Brown….

  • 1. Serena is baaaaaadddddd!

    2. When I was younger, the super power I wanted was the ability to freeze time. There was a sitcom in the late 80s/early 90s where a teenage girl was half Earthling and half alien. She had the ability to freeze time, and it was all I wanted. Mainly for the times when we had to turn in homework and I might have forgotten to do mine the night before. Freeze time. Do the work. Unfreeze time. Turn in my assignment.

    It was very specific.

    • Epsilonicus

      2. That power would have been useful in undergrad

    • cakes_and_pies

      2-“Out of This World”?

      • Yes! For the life of me I couldn’t remember the name of the show.

        • cakes_and_pies

          I had to look up “Would you like to swing on a star” theme song to figure it out.

    • LogicalLeopard
      • OMG.

        • LogicalLeopard

          *LOL* I haven’t seen it in ages either, but I used to be around the television watching it every Saturday. I think it was in syndication. I thought it’d be a great power to have as well.

  • Val

    If you’re Black you get the side-eye from other Black folks if you aren’t a President Obama stan and the same goes for Serena. They are without a doubt the most popular Black people amongst Black Americans. MLK even comes in third. Lol Am I wrong?

    • I understand why some people might not like the President. He has some political shortcomings but heck, so did MLK. Serena, on the other hand, is just plain awesome. If you can’t see that, there’s just something wrong with you.

      • I know a lot of black people who don’t like Honolulu Slim but Serena? I’ve yet to meet that Negro.

        • miss t-lee

          The ones that don’t like Serena, are the same ones that don’t like Cam.

          • I’ve never met a black person who doesn’t like Cam as a person though. I know those who dislike him because of his team but that’s it. That smile reeks of dirty preacher though. #singlesministry

            • miss t-lee

              LOL!!!
              I was meaning the pale folks though, Wu.
              I’m not a fan of Cam’s team, but I love to see them folks up in arms.

          • Epsilonicus
            • miss t-lee

              This poor lady wrote a letter to her local paper about Cam. Some kat found her twitter, and they’ve been dabbin’ in her mentions all day.

              • Why was that lady talking about Cam like he was Ravishing Rick Rude?

                • miss t-lee

                  Really. Would’ve thought Cam was Val Venis or some sh*t…lol
                  She was clearly reaching for something to be upset about, and you know her kid ain’t say them quotes, mayne…lol

          • Val

            Yeah, I agree with Wu. I don’t like Cam as a player because I don’t like Carolina.

            • miss t-lee

              I understand.

      • Val

        I agree but my point remains; 1. President Obama, 2. Serena, 3. MLK.

        • Who was it before that 1. MLK 2. Malcolm 3. Oprah?

          • Val

            I think MLK was number one, Oprah at number two for a pretty long time and then Malcolm.

            • Oprah had that White girl Vote. It goes Jesus, MLK then Oprah

              • Val

                No fair putting Jesus in the mix. Lol But, for a while there back in ’08 President Obama was giving Jesus a run for His money.

                • You ain’t never lied.

                • Epsilonicus

                  For awhile, folks had portraits of Jesus and Obama next to each other in their homes lol

                  • Not Ben Carson’s house.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Ben the only ninja I know with a portrait of himself and Jesus.

      • THIS!!.. She is from the hoodest of hoods.. (Saginaw then Compton) Her daddy shut down ANY AND EVERYBODY that tried to deny her prowess! AND SHE IS A MUHFUGGIN CHAMPION. Her and her sister…. I LIVE for them. My sister and I played tennis when were kids and teens and black kids are a MINORITY.That alone is enough to win my respect…. Everybody wants to hoop or play football.. THEY SET THE STANDARD FOR TENNIS. PIDD.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      How often are you going to find a woman like her amongst Black people who’s carefully crafted their outside persona to defy all stereotypes, logic, and underestimating? That’s why she wins in my book. She’s just another celeb to me, but I get why people adore her.

      • Val

        I’m not saying she or the President shouldn’t be liked. I’m just pointing out how popular they both are.

    • LogicalLeopard

      I’d put Serena above Obama, and maybe even MLK. Why? Because she’s got a TON of things going right, and virtually nothing going wrong. Aside from some people maybe being upset at the whole C-walk thing at Wimbledon, or the Olympics, or wherever it was, what else has she done that is remotely controversial?
      She came from humble beginnings and excelled. She’s a role model for many individuals. She seems like the girl down the street. And she’s in the conversation for the most dominant athlete in her sport, ever. What can you say about that?

      • Val

        Serena above President Obama? Not sure about that but it would make for a nice barbershop/ hair salon debate.

        • I will be sad to watch her Black cred tumble when she marries a white dude.

          • Val

            Maybe but a whole lot of Black women celebs are marrying White dudes these days. And it hasn’t seemed to really affect their popularity. Especially amongst lots of women who were griping that Black male celebs marry White women at high rates.

            Of course these points of view are based upon a false premise but you can’t tell them that.

          • Oluseyi

            You never know, she could surprise you like Kerry Washington surprised me.

        • LogicalLeopard

          When you think about it – I’d say the vast majority of black people have a favorable opinion of Serena. President Obama though? He’s popular, but since he’s a president, naturally there will be people who either dislike him or dislike what he does or hasn’t done. So on the strength of that alone, I’d say he’s more popular. However, as far as passion, more people are passionate about the President than Serena. People probably wont flip the channel to Wimbledon, but they drove, ran, rolled, skateboarded, hover-rounded, and skydived out to the polls to vote for the president.

    • God Shammgod

      I’d put the caveat of an upper age limit of 34. Plenty of older generations that dont think Barry curls all the way over and view Serena as a supreme azzhole.

      • Val

        True. Once you start looking at different demographics the order can certainly change. I think older folks stan for the President more than for Serena and the opposite is true for younger folks.

  • Nick Peters

    Marvel Superhero in a Superman costume? My inner nerd is very upset at you…

    • Thankfully this isn’t the forum for the Marvel vs. DC nerds.

      • That debate is up there with Biggie v Tupac on the list of insufferable things that insufferable purists argue about.

      • LogicalLeopard

        Where is it? Could you point me to it, please? *L*

        • Let me save you. Just go watch dirty videos.

          • LogicalLeopard

            Perish the thought!
            Sir, please direct me to the nearest argument regarding whether Wolverine’s claws can cut Superman’s skin.

            • According to comic vine you would basically have to drop Wolverine from space so yes and no.

              • LogicalLeopard

                Hmmnnn……I contend that you don’t have to have a suborbital Wolverine drop. A “fastball special” by the Incredible Hulk would accomplish the task as well.

                • Brass Tacks

                  Against Superman?

                  Nope

    • YeaSoh

      I knew this sentiment was gonna show up as soon as I read the last paragraph

    • LogicalLeopard

      I kind of was upset at “I mean, what does Captain America do really besides be big and hot?” I thought about explaining all of his abilities and talents, and chastising the author for reducing Cap to a piece of meat, but then, I realized that I would embarrass myself. *LOL*

      • Nick Peters

        If I was 15 my comment would still be in moderation

        • LogicalLeopard

          *LOL*

      • God Shammgod

        He has that little frisbee thing right? I saw that in one of the movies that I paid an obscene amount to see in IMAX.

        Movies make him seem like its Chris Evans playing a stuntman version of himself. Admittedly a Chris Evans who was a national discus champion.

        Anyone ask Captain America how he feels about Black Lives Matter?

        • Nick Peters

          Vibranium sheild, is superhuman because of the super soldier syrum, and is a master tactician because of service in WW2

          • Oluseyi

            Yeah, because everyone who served in WW2 is a master tactician! That part always makes me chuckle. Like, “Marvel, say he was a master tactician who served in WW2, not because he served in WW2.” But boomers gotta boom, and WW2 makes them “the Greatest Generation.” Or something.

        • There is a show on Crackle called Super Mansion where they have a parody of Cap that is all racist and homophobic. Pretty funny stuff.

          • Ultimate Captain America would probably hate Black Lives Matter. 616 Steve Rogers would be like cool.

        • Lea Thrace

          I am so irrationally angry that you called it a frisbee thing.

          I am not built for such efficient trolling as this.

          • Val

            Lol I am totally lost in this Superhero conversation but I thought that was funny. :-)

          • God Shammgod

            You shouldn’t let me get to you, I didn’t even know the Avengers were a thing til like 6 years ago or whenever the plans for the first movie came out. I was all “don’t they mean Justice League?”

            I watched a season or two of Smallville. Batman Beyond was cool during babysitting.

            • Brass Tacks

              Batman Beyond was cool, period.

          • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

            For real..Troll Level: Assassin

        • In the comics most of the other tight-wearing types give him props for just being a roid monkey who punched Hitler.

        • LogicalLeopard

          Frisbee? *has a conniption* That’s an admantium shield! *LOL*
          Would he support BLM? The question is, which one? Because now in the comics, Falcon has taken over as the new Captain America . But I’d say both would support it. https://johnstranger.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/captain-america-sam-wilson-1-1-600×911.jpg

          • God Shammgod

            Wait there’s a Black-tain America?

            i give up.

            • Brass Tacks

              I wouldn’t consider him the “real deal” though.

              S/O to my man Isaiah Bradley

            • The first Captain America was a black guy named Isaiah Bradley. They gave black soldiers the formula first before the gave it to Rogers. White Cap lost his mind when he found out years later. All of the black super heroes and celebrities knew who he was.

              http://crossover.bureau42.com/redwhiteblack.jpg

            • and he reps Harlem!

            • LogicalLeopard

              Oh yeahhhhhhh…..you didn’t hear the tears of racists everywhere about, I dunno, a year ago or so? *LOL* For good measure, Marvel threw in a female Thor at about the same time, and a mostly black/minority Avengers squad. I think it short circuited the minds of many bigots o’er the land….

          • Oluseyi

            The wings and the shield (and an actual, honest-to-g0d, avian sidekick!) are a bit overmuch…

            • LogicalLeopard

              He always had the sidekick, but I suppose he just went with what he knew. *L* No super strength or anything, so you gotta do what you can do.

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Right now he’s beefing with OG Cap right now because he’s making better moves than Steve did…it’s getting interesting

                • LogicalLeopard

                  I have to look into it a bit more. I saw a copy of the first issue in my library, which ended with the beginning of the problem. But I’m going to have to keep an eye open for the rest.

              • Oluseyi

                I keep thinking of Hanna-Barbera’s Birdman—before he received the first name “Harvey”!

                • LogicalLeopard

                  *LOLOL* Yeah…..hmmnn….I wonder…..Falcon and “Redwing” could have came first, they could probably sue Hanna Barbera. But then again, isn’t Harvey Birdman a lawyer? *L*

    • God Shammgod
      • Val

        Hiya, Shamira!

        *waves*

        • God Shammgod

          hey Val! <3

    • Been reading VSB for 6 months now and I told myself that I would comment on the first geek related post I came across, thus, I legit created an account just to up-vote and cosign this specific comment.

      Outside of nerd rage, I have nothing else meaningful to add.

      • QuirlyGirly

        Welcome to the comments section, please comment again *say it like Apoo from the Simpsons

        • Thanks for the welcome! I’ll be around. Credit to this story for inspiring me to voice my passive aggressive nerd rage.

  • Pinks

    She should be a superhero for DATAZZ alone. But she’s dope in general.

  • Brass Tacks

    I’m going DC- She would make a d a m n good Vixen. Or if she wanted to play a bad girl like RiRi; a dam n good Grail.

  • God Shammgod

    Okay but seriously, can one of you comic folks explain to me why no one ever thought to give Rogue gloves so she can get busy in the bedroom?

    • Her sn*tch would do the same thing as her hands. It would be the world’s most dangerous game of just the tip. They fixed her so she can get it in now.

      • God Shammgod

        Wouldnt that just be a fantastic way to promote safe secks by proxy though? IJS

        • One would think that but no one loves the crew more than the X-Men and Avengers.

      • You know ninjas would try some “Just let me put the tip in.”

    • Brass Tacks

      The only person that never mattered to was Gambit, but he’s Cajun, and they ain’t normal.

      • God Shammgod

        *cries*

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Do you know how many times Gambit done nearly died trying to smash that? And the times she lost her powers…he BLEW that back out.

        • Damon Banner

          yup.

          he always came back for more too…

          some of yall need to get up on your comic book game! anyway, she practically always wore gloves.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            One day we can straight nerd out on a VSB post.

    • Oluseyi

      It’s all of her skin, so she needs a full-body sheath, dental dam, rubbers and saran wrap for good measure… At which point Bobby just goes and hooks up with that cute new mutie that can change the colors of flowers instead.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Rogue can’t get busy because all of her body can sap energy from someone. Literally if she wore a fully body suit and only had the hole for her pum pum, her pum pum could literally kill someone.

      Think about how many years women been saying they could do that, and then imagine a pum pum that could back it up.

    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

      As a man who used to own over 500 comics and still watch cartoons, I’m gonna have respectful suppress my fan-boy rage and ask you to step you X-men game up… Know you nothing of Rogue’s origin!

    • That Guy

      On the cartoon someone captured the X-men and put a collar on them that suppressed their powers. Rogue and Gambit almost kissed during this before being interrupted and they never brought it up again.

      In the third movie someone invents a ‘cure’ for genetic mutation and Rogue takes it. But that movie was terrible so they more or less abandoned it.

  • LogicalLeopard

    I think Cap has probably been sort of left wing for a while. I suppose it depends on who is doing the writing. The character has to evolve with the times. I think Iron Man leans left, but may take unexpected positions on things.
    BP? Sounds controversial, but I’m going to go Mugabe. He understands that he’s the leader, and he has authority. He doesn’t exactly run a democracy, he runs his nation as monarch.

  • SirKnows DevoidofPunk

    Okay, #1:

    Serena Williams can’t act.
    *reminds self of Jennifer Alba as Mrs. Fantastic, Halle as Storm… then COUGHS hard to change subject*

    Ok, ok… Um. Alright-

    #2 Serena doesn’t look anything like a superhero!
    *looks at my muscles, looks at serena’s muscles*

    OKAY, FINE, FINE….

    But what’s her superpower—and tennis doesn’t count!?

    http://40.media.tumblr.com/786a5b8b0dc8442dc5e474038999553e/tumblr_nrc6soxPqH1s8s0lao1_250.jpg

    Okay, she can summon white tears in a Storm-like fashion… That’s a definite superpower.

    BUT, BUT, BUT What’s Serena’s costume gonna be? A superhero gotta have a costume!

    *sees this: http://www.eonline.com/resize/600/600//eol_images/Entire_Site/2014316/rs_634x1024-140416162027-634.Serena-Williams-Bikini-Beach-Miami.ms.041614.jpg *

    *screams “halley-loo-yur” and curses Drake to the depths of hades*

    And her catchphrase? Gotta have a catchphrase…

    http://img.memecdn.com/leave-serena-williams-alone-let-her-go_o_2191079.jpg

    • I like to think that her catchphrase would be, “Don’t try me.”

      • SirKnows DevoidofPunk

        that works, too.

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