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A Beginner’s Guide To Watching Game Seven Of The NBA Finals

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Hello, everyone. My name is Damon. I’m from Pittsburgh, PA, I’m currently irrationally upset at myself for taking 33 years to discover the awesomeness of shrimp and grits (Seriously, why didn’t anyone tell me about this???), and I’m most likely the biggest NBA fan any of you know.

Tonight is game seven of the NBA finals. I imagine that many of you will be watching. It’s likely that some of you are NBA novices. For others, this may even be the first game you’ve watched all season.

Welcome!

Now that we’ve gotten that welcoming shit out of the way, I’m here today to give you all a quick and easy guide to ensure that watching tonight’s game will be an informed, engaging, and all around fun experience for all involved.

1. Shut the f*ck up

There’s nothing wrong with being an NBA novice. Basketball isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, so it’s perfectly understandable if you just don’t happen to possess a working soul or the mental and emotional capacity needed to appreciate it. Different strokes and shit.

Anyway, novices are basically tourists. And, while there’s nothing wrong with being either, there is something wrong with being a tourist who acts like they’re f*cking tour guides. Basically, now is not the time to start arguments about shit you know absolutely nothing about but think you might know something about cause you happened to watch First Take yesterday morning. You wouldn’t go to the Guggenheim and start debating curators during exhibits just because you happened to read a damn pamphlet about Frank Lloyd Wright would you? Own your tourism by cheering, asking appropriate questions, and respecting the fact that you don’t know shit. The tour guides you’re watching the game with will appreciate it.

I understand that shutting the f*ck up may be difficult if you’re an opinionated person who is used to each of your generally inessential opinions being acknowledged. But…I don’t care. Shut the f*ck up.

2. You should be aware that Lebron James is the most important athlete of the 21st century, and by rooting against him, you’re kinda rooting for White supremacy. 

He is not the most famous. (Michael Jordan still is.) He’s also probably not the most dominant at his sport. (That would likely be a five way tie between Serena Williams, Floyd Mayweather, Usain Bolt, Lionel Messi, and Mizz Twerksum.)

Lebron, though, is important for the same reasons he’s so polarizing.

A) There’s no other famous person (maybe President Obama and maybe Kanye West) who consistently provides an equal amount of perfectly useable ammo for both his fans and his detractors. There’s also no other famous person whose legacy is defined, erased, rewritten, redefined, erased again, and redefined again every time he performs. Basically, he is the world’s greatest troll.

B) Most of the animus towards him stems from being in complete control of his career. Yes, there are people who may have a distaste for his game or his on-court demeanor, but the epicenter of the Lebron hate is largely due to him stacking the deck in his favor—something a player/worker bee isn’t supposed to be able to do—and possibly winning—something someone arrogant enough to stack the deck in his favor also isn’t supposed to do.

You know which demographic is mostly likely to hold the most hateful feelings towards him? I won’t name any names, but it’s the same demographic that’s mostly likely to have negative feelings about empowered Black men, and I will say that it rhymes with “bright fen.”

It’s not that all bright fen hate Lebron, or even that race plays a significant role in every bright fen’s feelings. But, if you decide to root against him tonight, ask yourself if you’re really comfortable having the exact same rooting interest of every racist bright fan anxiously waiting for him to receive his comeuppance.

3. There will be a group of very tall guys wearing black uniforms on the court with the Heat tonight. They are called the “San Antonio Spurs.” They are very, very, very good at playing basketball. 

Please remember this.

4. Basketball is not football

It is better. Please remember this as well.

5. Regardless of who wins or loses tonight, there will be at least one person in your viewing party who will blame the outcome on the referees. 

If you are a woman, make sure to never accept a drink, date, or compliment from this man. If you are a man, make sure to never let this man borrow a pencil or order a pizza with your debit card.

(Each of these also apply to men at sports bars wearing game jerseys with no t-shirt underneath.)

Thank you for reading. If you’re a beginner, and you have any other questions about the NBA finals, email me at contact@verysmartbrothas.com. When receiving the email, I will reply sarcastically, asking you why I’d answer your questions when I just wrote an 800 word long post about it, and then I’ll send you a picture of an orange. 

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Msdebbs

    You forgot #3….anyone not rooting for Miami also needs to shut the f*ck up.

    • Tristan

      huck the feat

    • panamajackson

      I came real close to banning you for life.

      • Msdebbs

        :(

  • Agatha Guilluame

    It’s over guys. Please take this moment to reconnect with the world at large. Maybe call your mom.

    • AnonyChick

      Seeing as neither team can win two in a row, I hope the pattern continues and the Spurs win.

  • nillalatte

    See I can relate. I have a father who enjoys the crap out of ball games. That’s right, I said ball games. Is it wrong that ballgames make me wanna do one of three things? 1- clean house. 2- cook a meal (quietly). 3- sleep. I remember spending a weekend with a friend and he had the NFL Sunday Ticket. Football nonstop for like 12hrs. Then there was baseball. He wanted to see a game and just had to be home by 3p. Cool. We were there by 3p. As I sat on the sofa, the sandman took over. 3p is a perfect time to doze on whatever weekend day it was. I stretched out in the floor watching the game, he cuddled up next to me, and bam… I was sleep in 30 seconds or less. Yes, I love me some ball games.

    • Kema

      I grew up with a father that would probably watch a couple of guys kick a can down the street if it was considered a sport. I swear he watched / watches EVERYTHING!

    • keisha brown

      the nfl nap is so integral to my sundays. whew lawd.

      • Jay

        There is nothing more beautiful than having nothing to do on a Sunday and catching a nap during the 2nd quarter of the least interesting game of the day…

  • SweetSass

    I’m starting to wonder how much of your thought space is taken up by Kanye, Jay Z, and Lebron…

    • Kema

      Lol! Funny because I happen to like Lebron for the same reason I like Kanye. I recently realized the reason I liked them is often the reason others dislike them. If arrogance was a Cologne it would be my favorite scent on a man.

      • keisha brown

        LOL!

    • The Champ

      7.8%. The rest is filled with porn and colored bubbles

  • I Am Your People

    1) Yes, I will shade LeBron’s hairline. No, I don’t care what you think

    2) I don’t want to hear about how much better the hockey playoffs are

    3) Word of advice for brands – fire your social media strategists who decided that Game 6 was the perfect time to have a Twitter discussion/contest/etc. Fail

    4) Jesus Shuttlesworth was the character Ray Allen played in He Got Game. Stop complaining about blasphemy or asking what team a guy named Jesus plays for.

    5) Heat fans who left early. LMAOOOOOOO!!!

    • Sahel

      The heat fans had me wondering as well

      • I Am Your People

        I was like – if I pay $500 for a ticket, I am not leaving. They have got to be mopping the floor and turning off the lights. Y’all worried about TRAFFIC? *Allen Iverson ‘practice’ voice*

        • Sahel

          I think when they saw the trophy presentation gear being set up they lost hope. Luckily it galvanized the heat but still,the fan base is fickle

          • AnonyChick

            VERY fickle. MIA fans are notorious for that. They show up late to games and leave early. And, tickets are WAY more than $500 now. It ain’t just about traffic. Just about every MIA fan I know gave up on the team with 3-5 minutes left. Way to have faith in your team. There’s going to be traffic after any game. In every city. Yet, the fans still manage to stay til the end.

            • HarteeHarHar

              Really? So in the history professional sports fans in all other cities remain in their seats while their team is down, albeit two possessions, with less than a minute to go? If Heat fans are arrogant and fair weather, Heat haters are the height of irrational. Those fans who left had the right to leave. Now what they deserved to be clowned for is trying to get back into the stadium.

              • h.h.h.

                “Really? So in the history professional sports fans in all other cities remain in their seats while their team is down, albeit two possessions, with less than a minute to go?”

                In the Finals?

                Heat fans.
                Probably Laker fans, as well.

            • Madlark

              Florida sports teams don’t ever have fans.

              • dtafakari

                Die-hard Buccaneers fan here. Play with it. -_-

        • Tristan

          it defies logic, real fans stay til the end, casual fans who dont care as much, why not watch the trophy presentation aint like u emotionally invested, leaving and coming back screams bandwagoner

      • Jay

        Those Heat “fans” should be banned from ever entering another NBA arena again.

        • Todd

          Amen!

          • Tristan

            the nba is still a casual fan sport, diehards arent the ones buying season tickets and new jerseys every year

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      The video of the Heat fans banging on the door to the arena was hilarious. Lol.

    • The Champ

      you know, playing without the headband actually makes his hairline look more normal. it’s not the most flattering accesory

  • I Am Your People
  • AfroPetite

    I’m just glad someone is going home with the trophy tonight because this has been the most drawn out Finals ever…..

    It should be noted that if the Spurs choke this will be the first time in their franchise history that they made it to the finals and lost.

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      You should do what I do, AP. For any sport that plays a championship series rather than just one game, I only pay attention when one of the teams has 3 wins. That way the most I’ll have to watch is 2 games.

      • AfroPetite

        Only reason I’ve been watching is because the games have been so close and dare I say, exciting to watch. Football is upon though.

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

          Yep, I’m starting to get the shakes waiting for the NFL season to begin.

    • The Champ

      You sound like the gay reindeer. she’s been on team “I hope they win so the season ends” since the beginning of the playoffs

      • AfroPetite

        She’s a good woman lol

    • Jay

      “It should be noted that if the Spurs choke this will be the first time in their franchise history that they made it to the finals and lost.”

      Exactly… like Jordan, who not only NEVER lost a Finals series(Lebron has lost 2) but NEVER even let a Finals series reach a Game 7. Can we all admit that the LBJ/Michael Jordan comparisons are DEAD as disco?! Lebron is more Magic than Mike. Kobe is the closest thing we’ve ever seen. Kobe/Jordan=uber-competitive a$$holes with ice-water in their veins who were unstoppable one-on-one players. Magic/LBJ Flashy nice guys who can play and defend damn near all 5 positions and possess amazing court vision and offensive awareness. They’re better overall team players by far. Lebron however, doesn’t have the luxury of playing with one of the greatest big men of all time.

      • AfroPetite

        Watching Lebron and the rest of Team Heat flop all over the court makes me loathe him as a player. I understand that you want to milk minimal contact but these grown men are literally Leyomi Dropping to the floor as soon as a breeze passes them. Please see Leyomi Drop reference below:

        http://awesomelyluvvie.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/leyomidrop4.gif

      • veryaveragebrotha

        Yeah….and Lebron has NEVER been bounced in the first round of the playoffs….and Jordan NEVER single handedly took a team to the finals……enough with these arbitrary comparisons to claim your favorite player is better

        • Jay

          LOL… butthurt much? I never said anyone was better. You MUST be a (sensitive) Heat fan. Re-read my comment and realize that it was about ending the “arbitrary comparisons”.

      • Tristan

        i wont hold the previous finals losses against lebron if he never loses another one, just like if jordan advanced in 88 lost and then went on his run

    • panamajackson

      I’m only ready for it to be over b/c i’m not sure i could take another Game 6. I was so hyped up after hte game that I needed to do jumping jacks and I did laps around my couch. My heart can’t handle too many more games like that. I need it to end so I can live.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Lol.

  • AnonyChick

    #teamNOHeat

  • Sahel

    I know spurs have that killer instinct but if they put James on Parker all night and Bosh plays like Game 6 bosh then this has the potential of being red wedding legendary AKA willis reed

    • tgtaggie

      I want to see this happen again tonight….
      http://assets.sbnation.com/assets/1199633/boshshower.gif
      Bosh is like a gif machine. lol.

      • Cali333

        Imagine my horror when I clicked that – I thought it would be him collapsing to the floor & crying like a bishhhh in ’11… GROSS

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    #1 – This I somewhat agree with, to a point. I mean, it’s only sports. And, sports should be fun. So, it’s kind of fun as a non-expert to bother and debate with bball expert fans. But, it should be kept to a minimum in the last few minutes of a close game.

    #2 – Nope, sorry, Champ, the century just started. By the end of the century no one will even remember Lebum. How many people know who Jack Johnson or Jim Thorpe where? Not many. And even if they’ve heard the names they don’t really know how great they were.

    #3 – Nice try but, I’m not buying it. I can not like Lebum and still be a card carrying Black militant.

    • The Champ

      “How many people know who Jack Johnson or Jim Thorpe where?”

      Smart people do

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        You’re right, unfortunately most people are dumb though, so there’s that to consider.

        • Sahel

          And Val shades an unknown percentage of the populus.

          • Jay

            Deservedly so.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Somebody needs too. (smiley face)

      • tgtaggie

        Jim Thorpe was that dude until he “forgot” to pay his taxes…Dude golf swing looked like he was trying to fight somebody

    • http://uphereoncloud9.com/ Wu Young

      I half way agree with #2. The century is young but LeBron’ s name will stick. Babe Ruth played baseball while we were fighting the Kaiser and his name stuck. The names of the good ones stick.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Everybody loved Babe Ruth though. At least half of the fans hate Lebum. I think in order to be remembered you have to either be THE best or be universally loved and really, really good. Jordan will be remembered, I don’t think Lebum will be.

        • The Champ

          Regardless of how you personally feel about him, anyone who dominates the national conversation for a decade, makes close to a billion dollars, and becomes a household name is going to be remembered/talked about for a very, very long time, even if they’re negative memories and/or conversations

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            It really isn’t about my personal feelings. You must admit that as many people hate/ dislike Lebum as like him, right? And, as for the money. Well, Lebum’s almost a billion will be eclipsed by another sports star by the end of the century. Anyway, you may be right, Champ, my point is that it’s only 2013. There are going to be a lot of sports stars between now and the end of the century, most of whom aren’t even born yet.

            • http://uphereoncloud9.com/ Wu Young

              “There are going to be a lot of sports stars between now and the end of the century, most of whom aren’t even born yet”

              Yes there will be more stars but there won’t be many transcendent guys guys like LeBron or Kobe. There are seldom generational talents that pan out. Baseball got lucky in the 50′s and 60′s Mays, Mantle, Robinson (Frank), Clemente, and Aaron.

        • h.h.h.

          with that being said, most people know who Ty Cobb is. and while i probably would not break bread with him if we was alive at the same time, he’s generally regarded as a top 5 off all time MLB.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            I’m not sure I agree with “most people know who Ty Cobb is” but I don’t think baseball fans, most of whom are White, hate him. Although they will, in a politically correct way acknowledge he was a racist of the worst order.

        • The Champ

          Also, Ali wasn’t universally loved. He is now, but doing his heyday, most of the country hated him.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            I don’t think you can compare Lebron with Ali though. Ali was/ is a social/ political/ sports icon and Lebron is just a sports icon. And, yes, Ali was largely hated here in the U.S. but was loved around the world.

    • panamajackson

      You actually think that Lebron James will be forgotten??? SECURITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        It’s highly possible that by the end of the century all but die-hard basketball historians will have mostly forgotten him, don’t you think?

        • The Champ

          Not at all. If you’re arguably the most popular/talked about athlete on the planet, you’re not going to be forgotten

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Welp, let’s have lunch in 87 years and we can see who was right. Lol

        • panamajackson

          No.