- “he’s getting out the shower! everyone run for your lives!!!!”
one of the most peculiar aspects of being on a college basketball team is the fact that you pretty much know what everyone else on the team is working with. obviously, you’re not going to be sitting indian-style in the middle of the locker room staring at everyone’s junk, but after hundreds of practices and games and showers after those practices and games, you can’t help but know.
anyway, although cats were all shapes, sizes, and shades, no one really stood out from the pack as a source of ridicule or awe. well, no one except for derrick conners.
a 6’11 french-nigerian, from the waist down derrick was literally built like one of the tripods from “the war of the worlds.” that thing must have had its own f*cking website and mailing address.
because of derrick’s unique “condition,” we all followed an unspoken (and ego-saving) rule in regards to women he dated: thou shall not follow the footer. basically, if derrick dated someone, she was basically off-limits forever…or at least until after a couple other people dated her and gave her an opportunity to stretch her woman parts back to normal.
for those that think this is short-sighted and silly, think about it: if you’re just an above average band, you damn sure don’t want to be the one that directly follows the beatles on stage…unless, of course, you want to get booed off that bitch.
anyway, thou shall not try to directly follow the footer is just one of the many unspoken sexual commandments that we abide by, each representing sexual rules and ways of living that we never actually admit to be true, even though they are.
here’s seven more
2. if in a sexual drought, thou shall drive theeself crazy with the assumption that everyone else in the entire world is currently having the best sex anyone’s ever had
3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed.
in this case, “acceptable period of time” is figured out by using a complex matrix involving some combination of how much time you’ve spent together, how many people you assume they’ve been with, a picture of their ex, the number of degrees you both possess, and how recently you’ve seen magic johnson on tv.
4. thou shall use masturbat1on as an efficient way to alleviate boredom, hunger, anxiety, confusion, anger, frustration, headaches, joint pain, excessive happiness, grief, loneliness, righteousness, despair, and self-esteem
***4a. when finished masturbat1ng, thou shall experience a small moment of euphoria quickly followed by intense self-loathing and regret when cleaning up***
5. if thou makes a sex tape, thou shall find a creative and unique way to accidentally misplace and/or share it with the public
6. thou shall not, under any circumstances, ever admit to having period sex
btw, “circumstances” includes any and all forms of torture (ie: waterboarding, boiling, aretha franklin bra-holding, etc)
7. thou shall blame all unexpected and unwanted pregnancies on broken condoms
8. thou shall injure thy self when attempting pr0n star acrobatics, and thou shall blame said injury on pick-up basketball or hereditary gout
***personally, my favorite is to tell people i slipped in the shower, even though i don’t know why i think “my dumb ass slipped in the shower and sprained my ankle” is less embarrassing than “i tried to lift my girl up against the wall, and i accidentally stepped on her cat. the cat bit me, and i screamed and dropped my girl on my ankle, spraining it.”***
anyway, people of VSB: can you think of any other unspoken adult sexual commandments we abide by?
don’t be scurred. we’re all family and sh*t
—the champ
Morning…
I am sadly experiencing number 2.. and you are soo right… I am thinking of how everyone else in the world is having the best sex ever, and I am the only tool in the toolbox…
BUT…
to add to your commandments…
If thou shall, to end a drought, engage in sex with a new friend… just for the moment..
-be sure to check what he is working with. No point in losing 8 months of tightness for a penc1l dick.
-use protection.
@JumpOnIt, “I am thinking of how everyone else in the world is having the best sex ever, and I am the only tool in the toolbox”
I’ve felt that way, but then talk to my married friends who can’t remember the last time that they had sex and feel better.
@Leila, yeah, i think its a commonly held misconception that everybody is getting some of that good lovin’. empirical evidence tends to skew towards most folks playing parcheesi and calling it a night. every night. except special occasions, birthdays, and affairs.
@JumpOnIt, Thou shall also check for lumps, bumps, discoloration, or any other condition that would render the said dick interoperable…
@WonderWoman, while you should probably do this with anybody anyway, i’m curious as to how many women really do this upfront.
i feel like if you all did, there’d be a lot less screwing and a lot more convents opening up.
@Panama Jackson, I wish more women did too…I have had to end an encounter or two when the ding-a-ling didn’t look right…and I don’t care what the excuse is :
It got in caught in my zipper
Those are razor bumps
It always looks like that
I have a rash from my new soap
Scab? What scab?
My last girl didn’t have a problem with it..
Sorry Man…I’m grabbing my purse and keys…I’m out!
Swayze!
@WonderWoman,
I am so paranoid about catching something nowadays, i aint scurred i will inspect that thang with magnifying glass. Lol, for real tho I’m still trying to figure out how to ask the brother for -at the very least- an STD test. I mean dang, so many things u can catch out here.
@mateosmuse, Tell him as soon as you get a copy of his STD test results you are gonna release the inner freak you have kept in chains since high school!
@JumpOnIt, “be sure to check what he is working with. No point in losing 8 months of tightness for a penc1l dick.”- Is there ever a time when anything is worth the dreaded penc 1l dick? just sayin..
@JumpOnIt,
penc1l dick is one of the few reasons why i wont break a drought with a newb. cant let several [weeks, months, years] go to waste bec of penc1l dick.
@the girl,
I wholeheartedly agree.
@miss t-lee,
What about thumb d!ck? You know, the kind that’s the same height and width as the average thumb? My drought is long and intense (since Dec. 08) and I almost let a thumb slip in before I realized, “This is soooo not worth it!” #dontjudgeme
@Ash,
That’s rough!!! Please don’t fall for the okey doke. You will sooo mad at yourself.
*I feel your pain on that drought ma’am.
**My homegirl and I used to call those thumbkins… *evilness*
@JumpOnIt,
I am sadly experiencing number 2.. and you are soo right… I am thinking of how everyone else in the world is having the best sex ever, and I am the only tool in the toolbox…
lol, thats the thing: when you’re in a drought, you forget the fact that its actually possible for other people to be in a drought, which you’ve proven to be true because you’re in one. plus, if you just go by what people say, like 60 percent of the people having regular sex are having wack to below average sex anyway
I usually do not feel the results of the “drought” until I go to a wedding or someone celebrating an engagement. Then I get to thinking about how much fun they’re going to have..jumping off ceilings, anytime, anywhere..lucky them…..but I’m going on 5 yrs strong (most days) and waiting for the RIGHT MAN to come do the honors of “making the water flow, forever more”!! LOL!
*vsb glitter*
@JumpOnIt, yes i’m currently experiencing number 2 as well. hard times (pun intended).
@Tunde,
sounds like another vsb sponsored hook-up in the making
@The Champ,
not that anyone asked, but also in a drought. two years and counting… (tick tock and sh!t)
@The Champ, lol naw i’m good on that. no diss to her though.
*ahem*
“5. if thou makes a sex tape, thou shall find a creative and unique way to accidentally misplace and/or share it with the public”
Should apply to those out of (and far away from) college ONLY, cause I personally don’t need to hear any more about the HU (Hampton) or FAMU tapes or see it as a trending topic on twitter.
S/N: Go Terps!
@J. Delicious, yay @ Go Terps! *Turtle turtle turtle*
@J. Delicious,
Maryland will win!!
@J. Delicious,
Should apply to those out of (and far away from) college ONLY, cause I personally don’t need to hear any more about the HU (Hampton) or FAMU tapes or see it as a trending topic on twitter.
does that famu sex tape actually exist? i know i can just goggle it and find out for myself, but its more fun just asking on vsb
@The Champ,
the HU tape that came out is like an audition tape.
the FAMU tape is a home video of a Kings game that turned into truth or dare that turned into something else…
@The Champ, I haven’t seen it but I got an email from FAMU alumni affairs about it….heard it probably wasn’t actually shot at FAMU…not sure about whether the students actually go to FAMU
@J. Delicious, Fear the Turtle.
@Tunde,
Damn, how many VSB’s and VSS’s are terps in here? I hope I don’t know any of you mofos!
@8th Wonder, i didn’t attend college park (it was too close to home). i do/did live in college park/riverdale area. i went to umes.
@Tunde,
Ahh, I gotcha. Well, thanks for rooting for us anyway, lol!
Last night I really wished I lived in College Park instead of MoCo. I sure do miss a good UMCP riot
@8th Wonder,
Another marylander here. Yes, the whole world should fear the turtle.
@J. Delicious, while Duke is an overrated like 6 seed, i can’t believe they lost to Maryland this time, a team the beat the brakes off of earlier this year. and you know what happens, crazy ass Terrapins storm Route 1 and then the riot squad shows up.
at least there were no 784 alarm fires this time. mostly cuz despite this win, everybody knows that Maryland sucks this year.
@Panama Jackson,
“at least there were no 784 alarm fires this time. mostly cuz despite this win, everybody knows that Maryland sucks this year.”
maryland does suck (as well as the entire acc this year), but i’d hate to bet against vasquez in the tournament.
@The Champ, it depends on what day of the week it is. he mostly sucks on days that end with a “y”
thing is, even a broke clock is right twice a day. he has moments.
but mostly he makes bad decisions. every year maryland has one of those guys who’s good in spurts and always comes thru in the oddest of circumstances, then blows it the rest of the time.
and yes, the ACC does suck. this year.
@Panama Jackson, maryland sucks yet they are still tied for 1st place in the ACC. that’s why the big east is the best conference in the country. not the acc. Go Hoyas! Go Orange!
Okay, you’ve gotta explain this down low period sex situation. LOL denial is the way to go? Why?
Also, I bet commandments 3 & 7 are somewhat related.
@Kia, JD,
Its just way to personal. I mean, if you happen to fall prey to the desperation of period panties, you dont want to share that with other folks. Who wants that visual? Ew!
@Kia, JD,
“Okay, you’ve gotta explain this down low period sex situation. LOL denial is the way to go? Why?”
lol, dom already answered it. like she said, you just dont want to be the one that cops to have done in before, unless you want people to stop inviting you to their houses.
welcome and sh*t, btw
@The Champ, More like welcome back. I’ve switched names many times. Thanks though.
And I’m gonna say that denying period sex is like the 2000′s version of lying about eatin the pu$$ in the 80s/90s. Someone should make a song about it. Like Trey Songz doing a ridiculous ballad about surfing the red sea or something. LOL nevermind.
@Kia, JD,
Like Trey Songz doing a ridiculous ballad about surfing the red sea or something. LOL nevermind.
this seems more like it would be in r.kelly or ghostface territory.
Only three letters shall follow this post. QFT! Hmm, I suppose ROTFLMAO is also appropriate.
@DG, QFT?
@Anike Love, QFT= “Quoted For Truth”-GIRL urbandictionary.com when in doubt…:-)
@bajanflchick, i think there are officially 700 too many three letter acronyms for shit online. seriously, i can’t even read half the things i see anymore.
@DG,
lol, i think TMI might work here as well
thou shall refer to sexual practices considered to be outside societal norms only in hushed tones among selected friends.
see [http://goddessglory.blogspot.com/?zx=42e4fa0a7549222e]
You ever hear of someone loudl declaring their love for golden showers? Nah, didn’t think so.
@lulu,
thou shall refer to sexual practices considered to be outside societal norms only in hushed tones among selected friends.
good addition. although, i don’t know if ive ever had a friend close enough to me that i’d be comfortable with him admitting his love for golden showers
@The Champ, nor do i think i’d be able to not judge anybody who either loved giving or receiving them.
@Panama Jackson,
not only would I judge, but if ever I was near them and smelled something off, I would assume it was the hot piss on their bodies.
Yeah, I took it there.
“obviously, you’re not going to be sitting indian-style in the middle of the locker room staring at everyone’s junk,…”
No?
Hmmm….
“that thing must have had its own f*cking website and mailing address.”
LMAO!
***4a. when finished masturbat1ng, thou shall experience a small moment of euphoria quickly followed by intense self-loathing and regret and boredom, hunger, anxiety, confusion, anger, frustration, headaches, joint pain, excessive happiness, grief, loneliness, righteousness, despair, and self-esteem when cleaning up***
and you’re right back to it… such a vicious cycle.
@Made In Hawaii,
I wish there was a like button for comments, that part on master-debating got me too. Its just so true. It feels so good, so why am I so ashamed after?
@Dom,
It feels so good, so why am I so ashamed after?
Are you Catholic? It might explain it…
@Sula,
You said it, I didn’t.
@Made In Hawaii,
and you’re right back to it… such a vicious cycle.
yeah. its such a vicious, lovely, and mess cycle. kind of similar to a woman’s period, i guess
@The Champ,
kind of similar to a woman’s period, i guess
Aunt Flo staying at your girlfriend’s this week?
#2 is so real. So so so real. Sorry, I’m projecting.
Anywho, am I the only one who doesn’t understand forgoing condoms just because you’re in a committed relationship? Unless I’m ready to have your baby, that condom is staying on. I don’t know how many “We stopped using condoms, but I figured my poppa stoppa’s were enough..until I got pregnant and we broke up 2 weeks later” babies I’ve held over the past few years.
And I think I’ll add “Thou shalt not get married before taking the goods on a test run” to the commandments. I’d be so blown if I abstained from sex only to later find out I’d eternally committed myself to Pee Wee and his teeny penile playhouse. *shudders*
@8th Wonder,
Anywho, am I the only one who doesn’t understand forgoing condoms just because you’re in a committed relationship?
even the people who do it know that they’re not making the smartest decision and dont really understand why. imo, it has more to do with sheer laziness than anything else
@8th Wonder, i’m with you. i don’t care how committed you are, unless you want kids it just seems like an aftergradschool special waiting to happen.
@8th Wonder,
“I’d be so blown if I abstained from sex only to later find out I’d eternally committed myself to Pee Wee and his teeny penile playhouse. *shudders*”
Twinny you just killed me. CTFU
*_____________________*
@miss t-lee,
Twinny you just killed me. CTFU
*_____________________*
get a room
@The Champ,
room deez.
@miss t-lee,
I’m just saying, that would be the epitome of an epic fail.
@8th Wonder,
Too true.
Thou shalt preview the goods.
@8th Wonder, hmmm, other forms of contraception exist. the pill works just fine for me (of course, i’ve only done the dirty unprotected with one person, my current boyfriend of 3 years…and no babies!)
@a plus,
Like I said, I’ve held many babies that were a result of birth control and no condom.
No bueno. Unless you wanna be a parent.
@8th Wonder, Word up! My SO already knows the deal. NO BABIES is the rule round these parts.
@8th Wonder,
I don’t understand why women do it, but, as a man, I understand EXACTLY why men do it.
Man, the first trip down the Raw Road is actually better than the first trip to Club Vay Jay Jay.
Matter of fact, once you’ve gone down Raw Road, you don’t ever want to go to Club VJJ by any other route. It’s like finding that secret shortcut to avoid rush hour.
@Big Man, I don’t understand why women do it…
same reason why men do it – it feels better. that, and latex is not the most gentle material, especially in those sensitive nether regions*
*by no means am i advocating unprotected sex. but i agree with the champ on this one, in a committed relationship, assuming both parties have been tested and proved clean (whether or not you trust that person to not be steppin out on you is between you and them), the jimmy hats can be retired.
@8th Wonder,
I feel you. I just cannot do it (without a condom that is). Unless we’ve tested, married and are trying to have a baby- strap up!!!
3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed.
in this case, “acceptable period of time” is figured out by using a complex matrix involving some combination of how much time you’ve spent together, how many people you assume they’ve been with, a picture of their ex, the number of degrees you both possess, and how recently you’ve seen magic johnson on tv.
sex without condoms are great, but just remember, with afro-american women being the group contracting HIV at the most alarming rates, one should emphasize the importance of getting tested with your partner before enduring the journey of barebackedness. not to be the PSA bish, but hey, it’s happening.
continue.
@jana.love,
yeah, i can’t really get with the no condom situation. i lightweight envision me and my future husband using them. (don’t judge me!) because men always like to have “the talk” about how long we’ve been together and how we should trust each other, but trust this: ain’t no jury gone be trying to keep me out of jail after i run you over if/when you give me an std. they just gone be discussing how young and dumb my black a*s is.
@charli skipper, condoms with your husband? good luck with that. trust, he’ll be raw-doggin his mistress
@a plus,
ew.
@a plus, :-O
@a plus,
and yet, that’s kind of my point. are you a man?
@a plus,
yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! Damn! And this is why we paranoid about that ish. What it is? A death wish that people have?! Self loathing of sorts that u wanna have some nasty disease? *shudders*
@charli skipper, co-sign. Ninja I don’t care if I’ve known you my whole, he is wearing condom or I shall go into the nighstand and get a female one. Also there is a device called an IUD..yeah so he ain’t trapping me with the condom broke spiel!
@MissingBerlin,
I’ve always been curious about the female ones, but have never tried them.
*finger on chin pondering*
@charli skipper,
co-sign! You should be able to get people arrested and jailed for knowingly giving u something. There should be some central database which proves ninja’s be lying about not knowing they got whatever it is they got, and either not telling u or passing it on.
@jana.love,
“sex without condoms are great, but just remember, with afro-american women being the group contracting HIV at the most alarming rates, one should emphasize the importance of getting tested with your partner before enduring the journey of barebackedness”
when you go to the turd store to decide which kind to put in the punchbowl, do you go for a bigger turd (like an elephant or an offensive lineman) or a smaller, bird-like turd?
@jana.love, since you’ve already thrown the wet blanket, i heard the other day on the radio that DC’s HIV/AIDS rate rivals third world nation status. and that 1 in 30 in DC is infected with HIV or AIDS. a higher rate than Nigeria, Rwanda and I think Botswana?? who cares though.
if that doesnt make you abstain. i don’t know what does.
@Panama Jackson, OMG! That is insane. And people want to know why I am still a virgin at 32!
For me the unspoken sexual rule was never to speak of being a virgin unless you want people to think:
1.I was raped as a kid and need therapy.
2.Scared of men.
3.I am a prude or religious freak and hate sex and want nothing to do with it.
I used think at times everyone seems to be having good sex while I am at home with my bullet, LOL.
But like Champ has said you can’t be the only person in the world at home by yourself! So I make the best of it!!!
@Natasha,I feel you girl! i’m twenty four, and although I am saving it for marriage, when I mention the fact that I’ve still got my V-card it the first two responses I get are; ” You telling me You want me to be your first?” or ” I have a lot of work so I’ll call you later this week” Just bought me a New” Friend”!
@Natasha,
The hell? 32 and a virgin…they still make you? Ummmm…i really don’t know what to say. Oh…I do have a question…how would you feel if you met a dude that was 32 and a virgin? What would run across your mind?
@Natasha,
i just want to say that i fully endorse the Bullet. lol.
and yes, i’m curious… are you waiting for marriage? and would you marry a virgin?
@atltx, I’m sorry I am late I did not see your question yesterday. If I met a dude who was a virgin at 32 I would feel comfort in knowing that there is someone else in the world simular to me. It can be really lonely and has nothing to do with sex, just feeling like you fit in with the world can be hard at times. I guess I would wonder how him being a virgin would effect him sexually.
@Muze, Girl, sorry for responding late. The bullet is the truth lol! Yes, I am waiting for marriage. I am like I waited this long why go back now? I know that abstaining from sex until marriage is not for everyone, but it is the best choice for me. It’s so important to know what works for us you know?! This is funny but I do prefer a man to be sexually experienced to be honest, but that’s not to say I would not marry a virgin. He just has to be open minded like me then he is good.
@Natasha,
Don’t worry- you’re not the only one with their V card still around these parts. I can’t count how many times a fella has gotten ‘excited’ with the thought that he might be the first. (sigh) Yeah, I’m there with you on the whole “Thou shalt not mention a thing about your virginity to anyone” rule….
@jana.love,
And I support your PSA message. Color me PSA b!tch. Unprotected sex with no STD test results (done after 6 months of meeting the person) is not a good idea… Ever.
I agree about the condom staying on. Double up the birth control and it’s way less likely you’ll end up with a screaming bundle of joy waking you up every single night.
@shannon,
“Double up the birth control and it’s way less likely you’ll end up with a screaming bundle of joy waking you up every single night.”
so take two birth control pills everyday? wont that make you grow an extra toe or something?
@The Champ,
so take two birth control pills everyday? wont that make you grow an extra toe or something?
No, just an extra ovary…
@The Champ,
LOL it most definitely would… or an extra head. ew.
but i think she means condom plus birth control. at least i’m hoping.
For the truly grown and sexxy, Rule Number One is “Don’t knock it ’til you try it.” If it’s always gonna be the same one-two, why bother?
@INFJgurl,
If it’s always gonna be the same one-two, why bother?
i see what you mean, but there’s nothing wrong with the ‘one-two’ if thats getting you both off and sh*t. i dont see the point of experimenting just for the sake of saying you did something different
@The Champ,
Yeah, but where is your sense of adventure. I dread the routine. The same old same old. When I can guess your next move–ugh–let’s mixx it up.
Also, I guess I’m thinking more along the lines of if there is something that your boo wants to try…I say, give it a try. I mean, everyone has limits. But if you I don’t find it morally objectionable (e.g. hamsters) or dangerous (e.g. choking), I’ll try it at least twice.
@INFJgurl,
hamsters are morally objectionable? why’s that? they’re cute little rodents and sh*t.
@Champ,
Well, so are you, but I’m not sure I want you in my bed.
LMAO!
@INFJgurl,
“Don’t knock it ’til you try it.”
I like this. A lot.
#2 and #4 are the truth. *runs and hides*
ok, i’m back. um….i honestly didn’t know men had a problem with period chex. i mean, i don’t like it because it just seems nasty to me. oh, and it’s outlawed in the bible.chapter: leviticus. yassssssssss, it is. but a guy told me a story this weekend about nasty period chex and how the girl was gross. and then now i read this and i’m all like, “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?” so i guess it’s only teenage boys that are all like, “don’t worry about that. that ain’t nothin but a little human nature…” okay, teenage boys and my grown a*s ex.
another unspoken commandment: when in a new relationship with someone you really like and are trying to impress, thou shalt get up immediately after chex and bathe and change (or at least offer to change; because you don’t want to be annoying either) the sheets. you do this to show how sanitary and clean and good and perfect you are. but you know good and well that when he becomes your man and yall are comfortable with each other, ain’t gone be no 3am showering when you’ll just be waking in 3 hours anyway. and he’s just going to have to sleep in the wet spot. it’s the law.
@charli skipper,
also, i’m glad this blog is anonymous and i don’t know any of yall. cuz, hell, i’m not this honest with my best friends. okay, well, i am. but you know…
@charli skipper, so does that mean you won’t be coming to the VSB Picnic? lol.
@charli skipper,
Now see, to me, thats overkill. As long as you get up and offer a warm wet towel at the end of a good romp, I dont think you have to change the sheets and shower. C’mon now, thats just practical. Plus, why get clean when you’re just going to get all dirty again in the morning? Owwww!
@Dom,
no, i know! that’s that “on your best behavior” behavior. the sheets thing is a bit much. which is why it’s only first time action type of stuff. and only if he doesn’t look at me crazy. i just remember one of my first boyfriends talking about an ex that never changed her sheets after doing the deed. now, if man said that to me today, i’d look at him like a fool. but at the time, my young impressionable self was like, “word? mama never taught me that one!” and to this day i have like a mini phobia that some man is going to tell all my friends that i’m lazy & keeps a nasty house. lol
@charli skipper,
“to this day i have like a mini phobia that some man is going to tell all my friends that i’m lazy & keeps a nasty house. lol”
He can’t talk about a person being lazy and keeping a nasty house if he didn’t put in enough work where after chex you actually have enough energy to change the sheets. LOL! Just funnin’:)
@charli skipper,
“#2 and #4 are the truth. *runs and hides*
ok, i’m back”
sounds like someone followed the 4th commandment
@charli skipper, co-sign but also include sleeping naked is a requirement that way if I want it again he can oblige or I can take it.
Here’s a few:
1. One must have atleast one sexual experience with someone of a different ethnic group and then compare with friends.
2. When a mirror is present one of you must look at while your doing the do.
3. By destiny you will have ONE bad experience with a food or toy in bed.
For women: . UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, a woman MUST not tell her man(or husband to be) the real number of people she slept with, the freakiest thing she’s done and (if you would honest to tell him you dated a friend of his or Frat brother in the past) To NEVER openly compare who was better in bed to him. To keep his sanity and respect for you in check.
BTW-this rule is null if he becomes a douche
List of the most common places ppl have sex but is treated as particular special:
A Public Bathroom(mall, park, train station, you name it)
In a park
On a beach
In a Wave pool
In a parking lot
At work
On your dormmate’s bed
At camp
On a cruise ship
In a limo
At the movies
On a plane
Any Stairway
On the Roof
Im missing alot more but, im tired.
@Mr. Gundam,
yesss. mirrors are great. if your partner isn’t holding your attention, you can hold your own. and even if he is, hell, it’s just one more fun thing to add to the mix.
@Mr. Gundam,
“2. When a mirror is present one of you must look at while your doing the do.”
and, thou shall make faces at said mirror
@Mr. Gundam, add in a vehicle (moving or not….i.e. taxi etc)
5. if thou makes a sex tape, thou shall find a creative and unique way to accidentally misplace and/or share it with the public
What did PJ tell folks down at FAMU? SMH.
@Shay, i have no idea, but i’m sure i didnt say “leak thine tape.” or at least i don’t think i did. i’ll have to check the tapes.
Oh Lord at Derrick Conners!! hmmm that is all
@Naomi,
thanks for participating, naomi
@Naomi,
Right?
The Champ,
Do you still keep in touch with Derrick? I mean can he come to the VSB picnic… by any chance?
@Sula, co-sign. *chasing after my imagine that has run wild*
#6
So true! But apparently Maxwell never got that memo. His grown and sexy image was shattered for me when he extensively described at his concert how much he loves ‘running red lights’ . Putting towels down incase it gets messy and carrying her (formerly me) to the shower to wash it all off.
cue *BLANK STARE* me and everyone else at the brixton academy. not that we actually looked each other in the eye.
Everyone does it…..its just they dont talk about it…!!!
@Chelsea,
He did that at the concert in Bmore too! I was like OMG MAXWELL WHYYYYYYYY!!!
Broads were clapping loud as shit at that ish, though…
@Chelsea,
“His grown and sexy image was shattered for me when he extensively described at his concert how much he loves ‘running red lights’ .”
I’m so glad he left that tidbit out when I saw his show. That woulda messed up my whole evening.
@miss t-lee, well i’ve never been to a maxwell show and it just messed up my week.
@miss t-lee,
For real miss t-lee. Nothing wrong with being freaky but for some reason when he said that it felt like he was channelling lady gaga or something lol Def not the grown and sexy I’d come to expect from him
@Chelsea,
Not the Gaga!!!!
@Chelsea,
woooow. running red lights though? that’s just gross.
i have a male friend who thought we were cool enough to tell me that the freakiest thing he ever did was “Negotiate the String”… meaning he LICKED around her tampon string… meaning she was on her period… meaning his face and tongue was actually down there playing the negotiator …meaning i immediately found a way to end that conversation.
i don’t know who was nastier… him for doing it or her for letting him. just, ew.
we ain’t that damn close, yo.
@Muze, oh my
-Thou shalt not travel without horniness prevention tools (ie. Tarzan vibrators, triple A batteries, magazines, DVDs, password protected .wav folder w/ nasty porn clips on a USB stick) to prevent the accidental murder of passers-by due to being grumpy.
#3> forgo condoms… and switch over to what? Pills, IUD’s, pulling-out?
I wish we could but birth control turned me into Jabba the Hut with a migraine problem= no more of that chemical mess. All of the other options…no thanks.
@GeekChicness,
what the hell is a tarzan vibrator? (and do i even want the answer to that question?))
@GeekChicness,
(ie. Tarzan vibrators
That can be tricky… See in these days of luggage costing upward of $15 a piece, the frugal travelers try to pack everything in carry-ons… The issue arises when the Airport agent not recognizing said item pulls it out of the luggage (in broad view of the entire traveling world) and asks said frugal traveler if this should be considered a “dangerous item” with a smirk plastered on his face…
See those situations can be mortifying… not that I know anything about that or anything…
@Sula,
Sadness.
@8th Wonder, take the Tarzan Vibrator on as additional passenger and rename him Derrick Conner.
@MissingBerlin,
Bwahahahaha!! Now that would be funny!
“a 6?11 french-nigerian, from the waist down derrick was literally built like one of the tripods from “the war of the worlds.” that thing must have had its own f*cking website and mailing address.”…
For those of us who may be feeling a certain, let’s say kinship with ummmmm #2, care to share the website ??? could it be french-nigerian-so-not-pencild!ck.com….
@bajanflchick,
For those of us who may be feeling a certain, let’s say kinship with ummmmm #2, care to share the website
http://www.deez.com
@The Champ,
Okay I stand corrected. That is the funniest thing you have ever said on here.
@The Champ,
I think the entire East Tower heard me cackle at that.
@The Champ,
bwaahahahaha! i can’t.
LOL! YOU are a FOOL!
If you are having period sex. Celebrate it! Freak. lol.
No-sign on the sex tape. Don’t even play like that. lol
I am currently experiencing a drought. LD relationships are notorious for droughts. Why does everybody wanna talk about their sex life with YOU during the drought? sigh.
@QueenT,
Why does everybody wanna talk about their sex life with YOU during the drought? sigh.
people are, by nature, assholes. you should know this by now
@QueenT,
Why does everybody wanna talk about their sex life with YOU during the drought? sigh.
Right???? Or your all-of-the-sudden prude friends whose boyfriends/fiances live within spitting distance deciding to go celibate… while you are hungry!! Bishes!
9. When in a comitted relationship, thou MUST give head.
This goes for guys and gals
*Sidenote* Its a shame that my alma mater will forever be known as “that sextape school” as my new crush refered to it when i told her where I graduated from. Double SMH
@Tone Capone, in today’s day and age of media and leaked sextapes, folks will get over it. when i first got to college in the late 90s, there was a sex tape that had been circulating via vhs. lol. stuff happens.
just be glad that it aint a morehouse-only sextape out there destroying the reps of our beloved HBCUs.
@Tone Capone,
9. When in a comitted relationship, thou MUST give head.
this isn’t “unspoken” for me, lol. my license plate is actually “mus blo me”
@The Champ,
*dead*
@The Champ,
Okay, I think that is officially the funniest thing you have ever said on here.
@ComicBookGuy,
LMAO
Yea i had a fake Support the troops sticker that said “Support Road Head”. Too bad one of my ghetto ass cousins stole it.
Girls overlook this rule too much. There’s nothing worse than a headless horseman in a relationship.
@The Champ,
Somebody had their funny wheaties this morning. Hilar!
“in this case, “acceptable period of time” is figured out by using a complex matrix involving some combination of how much time you’ve spent together, how many people you assume they’ve been with, a picture of their ex, the number of degrees you both possess, and how recently you’ve seen magic johnson on tv.”
Laugh Out Loud!
Ohhh Em Gee! Yes there is a formula I don’t know if this tangled web is the end all be all. I tend to consider: His relationships with the females in his life, mom, sisters etc. The cleanliness of his dwelling, his ability to give a good massage and the number of nights we’re spent together. Don’t judge me.
@Stustustudious,
Laugh Out Loud!
lol, seeing this spelled out actually made me laugh out loud
Aw!!! You used my footer term in this post. Yay!!!! lol
BTW–love the tag of the single gayest post you’ve ever writter…Did you watch SVU last night? It totally reminded me of the convo you and your mom had about Mariska Hargitay.
Oh yeah, and #4…complete co-sign.
oh yeah, and “acceptable period of time”?Hmm, I wouldn’t know what that is, I am waaaay too paranoid.
Thou shall accept thy freakiness. Somethings you can’t play off, there’s a reason he/she is so good at that one thing they do. Embrace it, love it.
@miss t-lee, “Did you watch SVU last night? It totally reminded me of the convo you and your mom had about Mariska Hargitay.”
I saw it!!! Why was I thinking the EXACT same thing lol
@BKSweetheart, As was I.
@miss t-lee,
“Did you watch SVU last night? It totally reminded me of the convo you and your mom had about Mariska Hargitay.”
Yes! I laughed the whole time thinking about Champ and his mama!
@Ash @Deeds @BKSweetheart,
Right?!?!? I was tripping when he mentioned it the other day, but after the epi last night I guess I can see why folks thought she was on the rainbow team…lol
Score 1 for Mama Champ.
@Ash,
I laughed the whole time thinking about Champ and his mama!
you better watch what you say about my mama!!!
@The Champ,
LOL!!! Your mama was kinda right, so I ain’t hatin…lol
@miss t-lee,
Did you watch SVU last night? It totally reminded me of the convo you and your mom had about Mariska Hargitay.
what happened on the show?
@The Champ,
It was about a lesbian lady that got raped and killed, and the leader of a lesbian rights group, who was trying to drum up publicity about the case, tried to but the moves on Olivia, because she told her she gave off that vibe.
@miss t-lee, haha yeah and then she asked Stabler if she ever gave off a gay vibe, and he kind of avoided the question!! lol
And at the end when she pretended to be a lesbian to get the guy to confess, Stabler was like, “Great performance…. I think”
**shots fired**
@BKSweetheart,
Yes!!! Stabler’s non-answer was the greatest!
Oh yes…when she got that confession, I was like dayum Mariska, that was a little TOO good! LOL!!
*I couldn’t believe that she’s someone’s Power of Atty. You saw the second epi right?
@miss t-lee,
What are the odds that the episode would exactly coincide with what Champ’s mom said about Mariska Hargitay? Hilarious.
@ComicBookGuy,
Exactly….that was the craziest timing ever.
@miss t-lee,
I think they follow VSB on the low, and just worked that in at the last minute… that or they have microphones in Champie Parents house and follow all the convos.
@Sula,
Hilarious!!!!! You could be on to something though…
@miss t-lee,
Embrace it, love it.
Amen sister.
1. One should have at least participating in one orgy or threesome.
2. Should have either tied or been tied up while having chex.
B. Blindfolded.
3. Voyuerism. Should have been watch at least once, while knocking it down,
4. Head in the Car is always the perfect exchange rate for gas money.
5. If he takes off his sock while getting it on, he likes you. Yes, he really likes you.
6. Should have given at least one mother the time of her life.
My sex game is about as mysterious and suspenseful as a dark…Hallway.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
4. Head in the Car is always the perfect exchange rate for gas money.
especially in cincinnati
@The Champ,
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Look no one told you to hang out in the Ritz/Annies. And anyone who took you there, does not value you. Matter of fact, they probably hate you.
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
“If he takes off his sock while getting it on, he likes you. Yes, he really likes you.”
LOL! I don’t know about this. Taking off his socks may keep him from falling mid-thrust. I have hardwood floors.
@Ivy St.,
yeah…socks gotta come off…gotta get some grip for digging
@atltx,
I co-sign on this one. Socks gotta be off. Hers, too.
@Ivy St.,
When ur feet are damp from putting that work in. It is no way in h8ll u gone fall or slip on the hardwood
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
i would severely judge a man who kept socks on while we were chexing.
unless there were certain circumstances of immediacy (office quickie, side of the hwy in the car, i attacked him as soon as he walked through the door, etc) that took place. lol
@TheHallway/TheSunk,
. . . does it count if he has his shoes on? my girl once told me bout how her man would keep his Timbs on and it stuck in my head for years kinda like how men see women w their heels on . . .
I have experianced this . . Im just saying . . . .
9. Thou shalt have at least one 3some in thous lifetime, and not tell a soul. Keep it on the hush.
10. Thou shalt have chex in some random place. Such as…
–your roomies closet
–your man’s BFF’s car
–the handicapped shower in your dorm– Separate, private bathroom for folks in wheel chairs, crutches, etc.
–the car in a parking lot w/ people walking past
–in a classroom. lecture hall, lab at your college/university.
And Champ, are you still in contact with Mr. Derrick
Mandingo DickConners? I have a… friend… who needs a french tutor who’s an expert on Nigerian culture, and Derrick sounds like he would be the perfect fit.@N.I.A. naturally,
Does work count?
*snickering*
@miss t-lee,
Yes!! I can’t believe I left off work.
@N.I.A. naturally, i’m down with these add-ins.
@N.I.A. naturally, y’all folks just love telling on yourselves.
@Panama Jackson,
I plead the fif, Mr. Jackson!!
@N.I.A. naturally, i dont know why, just like a rapper you put all your crimes down on paper.
@Panama Jackson,
C’mon son! I’m not trying to go out like Gangstalicious (or was it Thugnificent). You can’t believe everything you hear/read. Like you being a 3. Hell, you get at least 5 lightskinned points from jump. lol.
@N.I.A. naturally,
And Champ, are you still in contact with Mr. DerrickMandingo Dick Conners?
lol, i haven’t talked to him in a couple years actually. he’s either an assemblyman or a stripper now. i can’t remember
@N.I.A. naturally,
I have a… friend… who needs a french tutor who’s an expert on Nigerian culture, and Derrick sounds like he would be the perfect fit.
We must have the same friend!! That girl is on my back to get her those exact requirements…
@N.I.A. naturally, “Derrick sounds like he would be the perfect fit.”
bwhahahaha… that’s a pun I can co-sign… eh hem… for my friend.
Yes that was the single gayest intro champs ever written
@BKSweetheart, yeah i definitely side-eyed that intro.
@BKSweetheart,
thanks. i tried and sh*t
Who is Derrick? does he have a website? Where does he live ( no stalk)
Yesterday I have ended the half whack relationship and I am just wondering.
@nolagirl, lol. already back on it , huh?
@nolagirl,
Did u watch one of Champ’s suggested break up movies?
If a woman decides to make a sex tape, take nude pictures, etc., she should never let another person have possession of the originals or access to them. Always keep your stuff, don’t ever leave them with him. No copies!
Ignore all farting sounds or fart-like sounds. Keep up the pace as if you didn’t hear it.
You shall find a way to discreetly brush your teeth before having “crack of dawn” sex.
The person that slept in the wet spot shall not be responsible for changing the sheets. The other person shall do it willingly.
@Jamaica,
Ignore all farting sounds or fart-like sounds. Keep up the pace as if you didn’t hear it.
lol, sometimes you gotta laugh though. and, sometimes it smells so bad that you’ll pass out if you continue
@Jamaica,
“If a woman decides to make a sex tape, take nude pictures, etc., she should never let another person have possession of the originals or access to them. Always keep your stuff, don’t ever leave them with him. No copies!”
You can eliminate this issue but saying no head shots.
@Jamaica, Oh! LMAO I gotta cosign that whole post.
But also
Thou shall piss before engaging in sex
If you need to piss (men) please do it BEFORE we start gettin it cause NOTHING (besides farting) kills the mood like a guy stoppin mid-thrust with “shit…i gotta pee…”
ARE YOU SERIOUS. NO NINJA I’M GONNA GET MINES FIRST
And if you still stop OR by some horrid chance piss WHILE we’re still going if the police get to me in time to save your life you better make sure you got a strong set of hands cause thats it…..
Sorry had to rant about that one. Happened waaay more than it should’ve
1. thou shall not act like you are doing me a favor by having sex
2. if your standards are high your d**k will stay dry.
(There is a limit to this. I’m not saying hook-up with all 2′s and 3′s. If you are an average dude then you have to have a good product mix. We can’t all bang an Esther Baxter every night)
3. thou shall not be built like Lastarya and refuse to let a brotha get backshots.
4. thou shall not want to have chex in one position. I always heard about this but was messed up when I hooked up with a woman that actually wanted this. One of the worst experiences as far as chex ever.
5. For the women: thou shall not run away from the man juice. Embrace it and take advantage of it proteins and nutrients
6. For men: thou shall not eat the cat of jumpoffs, freak broads, or any other random chic. This act should only be performed on wives and long-term monogamous relationships.
@Humble_One,
Dude, you are like my hero. *applause*
I had an ex like #3, 5’10, chocolate, round rump that was perfectly proportioned to her tall slim frame, but I can only count on ONE HAND how many times I did a backshot. She just didn’ want to turn around. SMH.
@ComicBookGuy, this post brought a tear to my eye. lol.
anybody ever noticed that chicks with NO ASS always want to let you hit it from the back?
@Panama Jackson,
Who you telling, man? Now she want to come around and call me and sh*t because a brotha doesn’t look malnourished anymore. I ain’t trying to brag or boast, but I can tell that her new man ain’t hitting it right at all.
And yes, chicks with no ass always want you to hit it from the back. They must think that it will make their asses get bigger. Nice try.
@Panama Jackson,
“And yes, chicks with no ass always want you to hit it from the back. They must think that it will make their asses get bigger. Nice try.”
I thought I was the only dude that noticed this. I remember a few chics that would always “assume the position” first when we would begin chexing. I think one chic wouldn’t of cared if that is all I did.
@Panama Jackson,
anybody ever noticed that chicks with NO ASS always want to let you hit it from the back?
this literally made me laugh out loud for 30 seconds
@Panama Jackson,
dude…come on now…you didn’t know that women with petite azzes can take more dack?
chicks with tight big booties run from a tounge in doggy…you gotta trap their azzes with the headboard…must be a tradeoff like more booty = shallow coochy.
now…DO NOT apply this rule to the slender chick with the big booty…it will open up out the way and you WILL fall straight the fukc on in…all bullshyte aside…she can take whatever you throw at her just like the petite booty girl…will make you wear yourself slap the hell out
@ComicBookGuy,
“I had an ex like #3, 5?10, chocolate, round rump that was perfectly proportioned to her tall slim frame, but I can only count on ONE HAND how many times I did a backshot. She just didn’ want to turn around. SMH.”
Dang homie. This made me sad for you (and I’m a straight woman)…I could feel the pain you were trying to convey and stuff. LOL!
@Ash,
I appreciate it. I mean, I saw her not too long ago and I walked away mad that I do not have a clear memory of me hitting it from the back, knowing she had all of that back there.
@ComicBookGuy, it’s bc when men get back there it’s like men have a flashback to birth when the doctor slapped them, and start slapping the rump like it’s your God given right. Ninja, I bruise easy….lol
@ComicBookGuy,
Sometimes, from the back, it hurts. Move on, get creative and find a new position.
@jg123,
That I can understand. Some women love it, some hate it. Really though, if you can’t take it from the back, a new creative position may hurt worse, like…..or nevermind.
@Humble_One,
“4. thou shall not want to have chex in one position. I always heard about this but was messed up when I hooked up with a woman that actually wanted this. One of the worst experiences as far as chex ever.”
Trying being a dude who only wanted to do it one way and one way only. And not even in the position you’re thinking of either…BOOOO
@Humble_One,
“For the women: thou shall not run away from the man juice. Embrace it and take advantage of it proteins and nutrients”
So it acts as a topical ointment? It’s great for your skin…..at least that’s what…..my friend told me.
@Ivyette,
Listen to your friend. It’s great for skin and as a healthy snack.
@Humble_One,
________________________________ DEAD
@Humble_One,
“Listen to your friend. It’s great for skin and as a healthy snack”
LOL…ur killin me over here.
@Humble_One,
I was dead at man juice… but this? Sent me to heaven!!!
@Humble_One,
Hahahaaaaa! I was chilin with one of my LS’s one day and I looked at her and told her her skin looked fabulous (it really did. Clear, smooth chocolate skin that was glowing, no blemishes in sight). Do you know this fool looked me dead in my eye and said, “That’s cause you gotta let him n*t in your face.” o___O
I was so shocked and caught off guard that I laughed for 5 minutes. I still don’t know if it’s true. She’s a jokester, but…I wouldn’t put it past her either. Hilarious…
@Humble_One,
::snickering::
be tested. you can’t ever know your partner’s sexual medical history. but you are responsible for and should know your own. and not the i-dont-have-any-symptoms-so-im-clean. i mean the cleared by a medical professional officially proven in a court of law clean.
@ Queen T: LD relationships are SOOOOO hard (#noriri). Phone sex/Skype sex can only do so much. grrr….
oh and EXTRA co-sign on the NEVER tell a dude how many dudes you’ve been with. It will somehow find its way to come back to haunt you (normally in the form of a fight and he’s trying to issue some low blows).
@Keisha Brown,
Good one. Being tested should be number one on the list.
“3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed. ”
Hell no! I’ve been with my S.O. for eight years and I don’t think the forgoing of condoms when an “acceptable” period of time has passed is a sentiment that Wuyoung Agent of M.E. can co-sign. This could lead to the only std that last for upto 25 years…children! Not now.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E.,
damn. eight years with the same chick and you’ve wrapped up every single time? thats….amazing
@The Champ, Not every single time. We had a brief scare when we first got together and decided that we can’t do the parental thing just yet so we “max protect.” Fear is an excellent deterrent. When she becomes Mrs. Agent of M.E. then it’s on…again!
period sex? o_0 who in the hell would do that nasty ish? *looks around*
@Tunde,
There’s probably more people that would (and have) than would not. I can’t see someone doing that with a person that they aren’t in a serious relationship with though. Now that would be nasty.
@Jamaica,
Girl, Tunde is just following the rule… Lol! (He probably did it last night!!
@Sula, naw. refer to a couple of my other comments. i’m currently at #2 on the list.
@Tunde, period sex? o_0 who in the hell would do that nasty ish? *looks around*
Lots of people. But, it’s one of the last taboos of sex–it’s tied for 1st place with salad tossing.
@Ivyette,
*Dead*
@miss t-lee,
______^^^^______^^^^^______
she’s coming back! stay with me girl! I won’t lose you!
@Ivyette, tossing salads is taboo? you learn something new everyday. *shrug*
@Tunde, o_O
@Tunde,
“tossing salads is taboo? you learn something new everyday. *shrug*”
Now how in da’ hell you gon’ 0_o at period sex, but then simply shrug at salad tossing like it ain’t a thang? Oh, the irony.
@Tunde,
You pick and choose don’t cha?!
Hilarious.
@Tunde, c’mon guys i kid. i kid. i don’t think period sex is taboo either. lol
@Tunde,
Yeah, I figured everybody had that awkward conversation at least one time…
“So, you sure you showered good, right? With the new soap?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Let me check…. Okay… If you ever tell anybody about this, you’re dead. Dead.”
@Ivyette,
Oh, my…
Hilarious post as always, Champ. I got a few to throw it:
One should do it to “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins or “Moments In Love” by The Art of Noise at least once.
For the women: One should allow a man that you about get down with turn on the lights and thoroughly inspect your nether regions before romping activities begin, just be sure everything looks kosher and clean down there, especially if you already know that he has a clean bill of health.
For the men: You must mount a woman like a gorilla at least once during romping activities and women, if he gets you to that point, he should be able to pound his chest like a gorilla without get a side-eye.
For the women, especially ones with booties: You must throw it back like Roxy Reynolds. If you don’t know who she is, google her and you will see why this should be an unspoken rule.
I feel ya on #8, Champ. I’ve had to explain a few cramps and carpet burns with some odd things happening to me.
Someone please educate me on the FAMU sextape and its infamy. I may have been out of the loop when that came up. If you would have said something about a PV sextape, I wouldn’t have been too surprised, but FAM? I’m kinda intrigued.
@ComicBookGuy,
“For the women, especially ones with booties: You must throw it back like Roxy Reynolds”
*snickering*
Long time CBG what it dew?!?
@miss t-lee,
T-lee, what’s really good? I am finally slowing down for a bit, been on the road for two weeks for work.
Don’t laugh. It’s hard to find a pron star that can throw it back like Roxy on a consistent basis. It’s amazing.
@ComicBookGuy,
I was laughing because I know exactly what you’re referring too…lmao That chick goes hard, literally! That’s a lady who loves her job.
@miss t-lee,
That’s why you are good in my book. You know already what the deal is.
You doing SXSW this year? Please say yes so I can have someone to hate for going. 8Ball & MJG and Madlib are going to be there and I can’t go. Sucks.
@ComicBookGuy,
I’m trying to catch a few shows.
Definitely trying to catch 8Ball, V V Brown, some of the TX rap kats, Ozomatli (free show!) and a few that might pop up. Of couse this all depends if I can take some vacay days…lol
Last year I got to see Raekwon, The Cool Kids, and PacDiv for free!
. Missed out on Metallica’s show and Kanye’s Fader Fort though. 
Year before Ghostface and Rakim, for free. I hope my good run continues.
@ComicBookGuy,
Yo, that gorilla chest-beating is that ’06 ish that I find to be verry umm…appealing. Like…whew. I need a time out.
And I’m gone, lol!
@8th Wonder,
Ahhhhhh, I see that someone is fond of my fraternal brethren. While you are mounted on the woman, breathing in her ear heavily with some grunting and snorting thrown really drives them crazy. Or so I have heard. Or experienced. (TMI I know, but what the hell?)
@ComicBookGuy,
tease.
@8th Wonder,
Sorry about that, darlin’.
@ComicBookGuy,
You ain’t sorry, lol!
@8th Wonder,
YES! ’06-ness and all it’s ape-ish ways are def what’s up. …so says somebody that told somebody i know.
that is all.
@Muze,
Yeah, it kinda has that effect.
@ComicBookGuy,
“For the men: You must mount a woman like a gorilla at least once during romping activities and women, if he gets you to that point, he should be able to pound his chest like a gorilla without get a side-eye.”
I cosign this!
@ComicBookGuy,
For the men: You must mount a woman like a gorilla at least once during romping activities and women, if he gets you to that point, he should be able to pound his chest like a gorilla without get a side-eye
Bwahahaha! So is there a secret meeting where this information is shared amongst the VSBs? Because the accuracy of the description is frightening…
(or have I met you before???
)
@Sula,
No, no, my dear. It is almost an inherent thing for men, at least for me, to mount a woman like a silverback and have her scream expletives and nearly bite a hole through a pillow.
I don’t think I have met you before, but let me ask you this: was I grunting and breathing through my nose very hard in your ear? If so, then I uh, plead the fif.
@ComicBookGuy,
“to mount a woman like a silverback and have her scream expletives and nearly bite a hole through a pillow.”
this image alone has gotten my panties wet
@ComicBookGuy,
“No, no, my dear. It is almost an inherent thing for men, at least for me, to mount a woman like a silverback and have her scream expletives and nearly bite a hole through a pillow.”
*clears throat*
Ahem, I need some water.
@ComicBookGuy, “to mount a woman like a silverback and have her scream expletives and nearly bite a hole through a pillow.”
if you mount it… they will come
(hehe)
@Ivy St., @miss t-lee, @Yeah…SO!?!,
Man, this day just keeps getting better and better.
*pounds chest*
@ComicBookGuy, I got somethin else you can pound… what, I mean while we on the topic? *kanye shrug*
@Yeah…SO!?!,
Uhhhhh…..sure.
(smells her hair and grunts in her ear as he walks by)
@ComicBookGuy, lol… keep f*kin around- I’m a biter
@Yeah…SO!?!,
That’s cool. I’ve been on the weights so my skin is a bit tougher.
It’s funny how me and you go at like this at least once a month.
@ComicBookGuy, lmao… I was just thinkin that- always with you Comic. But, I think I know what the problem is… we’re the only two mofos that don’t know when to call it quits… lol
@ComicBookGuy, apparently me getting moderated happens once a month too… da f*k is that about?
wait for it, wait for it… hmph
@Yeah…SO!?!,
Come on, admit it. You enjoy it. I know I do.
@ComicBookGuy, “You must mount a woman like a gorilla at least once during romping activities and women, if he gets you to that point, he should be able to pound his chest like a gorilla without get a side-eye.”
I co-sign, support, sanction, ratify, uphold, sustain, back, second and endorse this statement
@Yeah…SO!?!,
It is really good to know that some of the VSSs like to get gorilla-f**ked. I am slightly turned on by it.
Ok, slightly is a bit of an understatement at this point.
@ComicBookGuy, “gorilla-f**ked”
… mmmm I need a moment.
@ComicBookGuy,
There should be an add campaign
“Have you gorilla-f**ked the woman you love today?”
I’m thinking marriages, relationships, and lives will be saved.
@ComicBookGuy, I meant “ad” campaign. I was educated in South Carolina, forgive me.
@ComicBookGuy, Wuyoung Agent of M.E,
Y’all are killing me!
(and making me daydream! It’s lent people!! Stop it)…
@Yeah…SO!?!,
Take your time. I understand. I’ll be right here.
@ Wuyoung Agent of M.E.,
Dude, it really should be, but then again, it could probably destroy marriages, relationships and lives at the same time.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E,
““Have you gorilla-f**ked the woman you love today?”
Hallmark should take this and run with it.
I’d love a greeting card like this.
*snickers*
@Sula,
Hey, now. Lent ain’t go nothing to with this here, unless you gave up the possibility of getting gorilla-f**ked for Lent, then I feel sorry for you. I just gave up fried food.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E,, “Have you gorilla-f**ked the woman you love today?”
This made my couch’ smile
@ComicBookGuy,
““Have you gorilla-f**ked the woman you love today?” .
OMG this is hilarious!!!! Yall should go ahead and copyright this
before I do.@ComicBookGuy,
If a good gorilla-f**king ruins your marriage, relationship, or life that sh*t wasn’t meant to be!
@ Sula,
You gave up getting gorilla-f**king for Lent? Stay strong sister. I never give up anything for Lent. My vices are there for a reason.
@Wuyoung Agent of M.E., “This made my couch’ smile”
lol… I meant cooch’- smh
@ComicBookGuy, Wuyoung Agent of M.E.,
Well, I don’t need those visuals at work is all… y’all…the lone black dude on my floor might get eye-r@ped for no good reasons… (which he already is… sporadically…)
@Yeah…SO!?!,
“This made my couch’ smile”
You’re welcome, M’lady. *bowing*
@ #2, Good to know; I’ll keep that in mind.
@ #3, I would highly recommend that you only forego condoms if she is someone you wouldn’t mind being the accidental mother of your kids- if you had a choice of who the “accident” happened with.
@ #4, Masturbation also helps with insomnia…no shame or regrets here.
@ #6, Period sex gets a bad wrap (I blame the bible). Peroxide makes for a great clean up tool. Besides, that’s what the red towel and sheets are for.
Yes, I know, I tend to overshare.
@Caballeroso,
Frat, I feel ya on your responses. #4 is better than Benadryl and you don’t wake up groggy in the morning.
The peroxide thing is something new to think about.
@Caballeroso, your comments just made my cheez-its spoil
@Caballeroso… wait not all of them- just the last one… nasty
@Caballeroso,
@ #6, Period sex gets a bad wrap (I blame the bible). Peroxide makes for a great clean up tool. Besides, that’s what the red towel and sheets are for.
Peroxide you say huh? And look at me, I just invested in some red towels. lol
Thou Shall not ask “who’s your daddy” on the first chexual encounter.
@Ivy St.,
As a man, I got to co-sign. You need to earn that, for real, because if you say that and you haven’t earned it, don’t get mad when you get clowned later on, or if the woman says the wrong name. lol
@Ivy St.,
LOL, truth! And don’t ask “who’s is it?” either.
@Ivy St.,
How about just not asking any questions?
That’s my preference. Especially on the 1st go.
You made it here, be happy. Revel in that.
@miss t-lee,
I think there is a really sexy way to ask questions that will get me to answer you everytime…if I can gather enough breath to do so.
But who’s your daddy will get this well to dry up EVERY time.
@8th Wonder,
“But who’s your daddy will get this well to dry up EVERY time.”
Straight sahara.
I’m talking about 1st go…anything after that is okay…except the above mentioned question…lmao
Ahh yes, I gotcha Twinny. Lets not get too cocky (snicker) off break with the inquiries.
@8th Wonder,
“inquiries.”
LMAO
@8th Wonder,
But who’s your daddy will get this well to dry up EVERY time.
Word to every reading VSB out there!
@Ivy St.,
Or ever at all. Lol! What’s with this Daddy thing? I don’t do that with my daddy… Fastest way to go from ON to OFF: mention my daddy. Ewwwww!
@Sula,
And it really is instantaneous. I can go from 100 to 0 with that question.
@Sula,
LMAO! I know right! I have always wondered what is the history of men asking women who their daddy is.
@Ivy St., Is it wrong to ask them not to talk at all? … at least not English or any language I understand… whoever came up with conversational chex should be flogged
@Yeah…SO!?!,
Nah they can talk…I actually like the talking, but just don’t eff it up with some bullisht.
Random dirty comments are good.
@miss t-lee, Hmph… well ok, I mean I like dirty (borderline disrespectful) utterings, but there should be a strict guideline in the LEAST as to what can be said. Nunnadat “you like dat” and “how dat feel” BS… seriously if you have to ask… *shrugs*
@Yeah…SO!?!
Yeah…running commentary? Absolutely not.
I agree, if you have to ask…lmao
@Ivy St., don’t ask me but if you flat out tell me…whew
cockyness will get me every time!
to add to the list…
If I have to roll over at 4am when you want some, you have to do the same when I’m feeling frisky too!
…Morning hours are the best time for me
@IJstDntUnderstand,
If I have to roll over at 4am when you want some, you have to do the same when I’m feeling frisky too!
this is a great commandment and sh*t
@IJstDntUnderstand,
Woman Law!!
@IJstDntUnderstand, church!
If the sex wasn’t good thou shall blame it on anything including the recession.
@Tiffany,
or condoms…
so wait…there’s a VSB picnic happening? did i miss the evite? do people still use evite? will there be name tags with our online monikers? inquiring minds want to know and sh*t! lol..
@Keisha Brown, Yup. Secret Plans of the VSB Brotherhood.
@Keisha Brown,
Don’t let them fool you, this alleged BBQ has been talked about since the begininng of time. Jesus may come back before it happens. LOL
@V Renee, LOLOL!
We really are planning one though!
Mmhmm. Yeah. Really!
@Liz,
Oh really now?!?!?! So it’s safe to go ahead and do my happy dance. Ha!
@V Renee,
Now you are letting Liz fool you!
Cats should NOT be allowed in the bedroom during any chexual act. Sadly enough, they will try and participate. :/
@Ivy St.,
*dead*
@Ivy St.,
Ummmm what?!?!? ROTFLMAO
The image I have in mind is ri-dunk-ulous. BWHAHAHAHA
@Ivy St.,
or in my case think that ur hurting me bcuz Im screaming . . . and therefore try to defend me and bite yo azz . . .
My additions:
a) If involved in any type of sexually exclusive understanding, thou shall eat the p*ssy and eat it well.
b) If head is performed, thou shall not ignore the balls.
c) Thou shall be sexually studious.
d) If in a committed relationship, men shall respond appropriately to a woman’s request for post-sex ‘holding.’
e) Thou shall swallow or keep going using the… uhem… supplied lubricant.
Ok I’m done… lol
@MeteorMan,
I love those commandments. It should be written as law somewhere.
My biggest commandment is if you are into anything…um…outside the “norm”, find a way to mention it beforehand to gauge your partner’s response. I.e., don’t inform her you’re into erotic asphyxiation by grabbing her by the throat during chex.
Champ
I’m sure people have said this already, but I want to say it as well.
Remember that “gay” ranking system you wrote about?
Well, this post is “infinite” gay.
Just to be clear.
Hi & sh*t.
I’m surprised these have yet to be mentioned:
Thou shall not pull a black woman’s hair unless otherwise instructed. F*ck around and pull a track out.
Thou shall not “slip” into the other hole. We aren’t all into that shite, so ask first.
Thou shall keep condoms fully stocked at ALL times if the forgoing of them has not yet occurred. I’m not trying to get my moment ruined to go on a 3 A.M. run. (This applies to both genders.)
Thou shall not say “ew”, “ill”, or “gross” while engaging in sexual acts. Parts make noise, no one really likes man-putty, and you’re not 12. (Only exceptions are if your partner’s nether regions stink. There’s no excuse for that. Do try to say it nicely though.)
Fin.
@gnarleybynature, LMAO YES!
I just got back on my computer cause I thought about pullin tracks out and sh*t!
And if you say “ew” “ill” or “gross” during sex odds are you are too young or too silly to be in somebodies bed to begin with.
But wouldn’t that just be awkward as hell if you and ya dude were going at it and he pulled your track out? There’s no way I can think of for you to escape the sheer awkwardness of that moment….do you just leave the track lyin there or pick it up and keep going like nothing happened?
I don’t wear weave but I know I’d be extremely upset/concerned if I just randomly saw bits of weave flyin everywhere…
@lh,
Chiiiiile, I can only imagine what getting a track pulled out during chex would be like. I used to date a Latino boy for 5 years and he knew DAMN WELL not to touch my hair unless the tracks were sewed in or I had braids. Lol.
I don’t wear weave anymore but I still get skiddish when I’m in bed with someone and their hand starts getting too close.
@lh, I would toss that track on the floor next to my panties and move on to the next position..Switch!…No awkwardness here!
hmmm
man earns at least 3 ‘wake you up in the middle of the night with his hard knocker’ points if he performs showerhead effectively without drowning from the water running down.
must ‘do’ lunch often if you work close to each other.
man must never say ‘well keisha used to…’ as a way of getting woman to try new activity/position/upside down head
there must be a healthy mixture of soft&sexy and animalistic (i.e. gorilla mount and chest-beating) to spice up life. lol
man must not possess a Derrick Conner and request to enter the exit only door.
man must know where he stands with you before even uttering that at all.
i have more… but i’ll stop here. lol
@Muze,
“there must be a healthy mixture of soft&sexy and animalistic (i.e. gorilla mount and chest-beating) to spice up life. lol”
Every man in a serious relationship should see this.
oh! and, so this is not a relationship one… but..
Men: please don’t send uninvited pics of your manparts in all its glory to a woman’s phone/email inbox unless requested either through words or action (ie she sends you one of her womanness). and if you do, please make sure said picture is worth the two thumb presses it takes to open new mail.
also, be sure that this woman actually likes you. if not, it will become a funny fwd and fair game in the next ‘wtf is this negro thinking’ conversation and you’ll be given a name like “Little Chef” or ‘Infantile’ to be saved in her phone.
i’m a witness.
Lmao I know I’m so late but man, these things were friggen hilarious cuz they’re all true! Good job Champie (can I call u Champie even though I’m not a regular commenter? I read u guys all the time so I kinda feel like I know everyone here lol)
@KnattyBuxtonPaku,
Champie Poo Poo is better.
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3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed.
^ i stopped reading after this.
sorry, it doesn’t make sense unless you’re married.
@loryn, I concur. You just never know….
I just discovered this website and I’m cracking up.
Muze…real talk, a dude I went out with ONCE, didn’t click with and didn’t even kiss on the mouth (the date concluded with a friendly side hug and a peck on cheeckbone—not even close to the mouth) sent me a pic of his “man-glory”. Except it wasn’t….he had on a two string thong and actually posed from the side as if that shit was sexy!!! Dead serious. Me and my friends DIED laughing when I showed them (of course I was gonna show them too…can’t keep all that hilariousness to myself–sharing is caring!)
Men–do not put yourself out there unless she has expressed that she’s into that sort of stuff or she’s sent you nudie pics of herself to you first.
Also, do not knock period sex until you try it…that is all
If thou finishes before thy partner, thou shall perform an alternate method of stimulation either by hand, mouth, or other available device until thy partner has achieved complete satisfaction…
I’m a little above average and followed a Derrick Conner’s type “footer” once. It took 6 months for my girl to tell me she was getting use to my size. Ego booster… NOT!