one of the most peculiar aspects of being on a college basketball team is the fact that you pretty much know what everyone else on the team is working with. obviously, you’re not going to be sitting indian-style in the middle of the locker room staring at everyone’s junk, but after hundreds of practices and games and showers after those practices and games, you can’t help but know.

anyway, although cats were all shapes, sizes, and shades, no one really stood out from the pack as a source of ridicule or awe. well, no one except for derrick conners.

a 6’11 french-nigerian, from the waist down derrick was literally built like one of the tripods from “the war of the worlds.” that thing must have had its own f*cking website and mailing address.

because of derrick’s unique “condition,” we all followed an unspoken (and ego-saving) rule in regards to women he dated: thou shall not follow the footer. basically, if derrick dated someone, she was basically off-limits forever…or at least until after a couple other people dated her and gave her an opportunity to stretch her woman parts back to normal.

for those that think this is short-sighted and silly, think about it: if you’re just an above average band, you damn sure don’t want to be the one that directly follows the beatles on stage…unless, of course, you want to get booed off that bitch.

anyway, thou shall not try to directly follow the footer is just one of the many unspoken sexual commandments that we abide by, each representing sexual rules and ways of living that we never actually admit to be true, even though they are.

here’s seven more

2. if in a sexual drought, thou shall drive theeself crazy with the assumption that everyone else in the entire world is currently having the best sex anyone’s ever had

3. if in a relationship, thou shall forgo condoms when “acceptable” period of time has passed.

in this case, “acceptable period of time” is figured out by using a complex matrix involving some combination of how much time you’ve spent together, how many people you assume they’ve been with, a picture of their ex, the number of degrees you both possess, and how recently you’ve seen magic johnson on tv.

4. thou shall use masturbat1on as an efficient way to alleviate boredom, hunger, anxiety, confusion, anger, frustration, headaches, joint pain, excessive happiness, grief, loneliness, righteousness, despair, and self-esteem

***4a. when finished masturbat1ng, thou shall experience a small moment of euphoria quickly followed by intense self-loathing and regret when cleaning up***

5. if thou makes a sex tape, thou shall find a creative and unique way to accidentally misplace and/or share it with the public

6. thou shall not, under any circumstances, ever admit to having period sex

btw, “circumstances” includes any and all forms of torture (ie: waterboarding, boiling, aretha franklin bra-holding, etc)

7. thou shall blame all unexpected and unwanted pregnancies on broken condoms

8. thou shall injure thy self when attempting pr0n star acrobatics, and thou shall blame said injury on pick-up basketball or hereditary gout

***personally, my favorite is to tell people i slipped in the shower, even though i don’t know why i think “my dumb ass slipped in the shower and sprained my ankle” is less embarrassing than “i tried to lift my girl up against the wall, and i accidentally stepped on her cat. the cat bit me, and i screamed and dropped my girl on my ankle, spraining it.”***

anyway, people of VSB: can you think of any other unspoken adult sexual commandments we abide by?

don’t be scurred. we’re all family and sh*t

—the champ