Have you any idea how close I came to typing “preggers” in the title? I’ve never actaully said that word outloud but I hear the boobs use it all the time. Then I said it out loud and never felt more emasculated in my entire life. It’s like saying something is fierce or delicious.
Anyway, we’ve all heard the rumor that Beyonce is once again pregnant. Mama Knowles came out and squashed that rumor but apparently forgot to tell Solange that her big sister wasn’t packing a Carter. Either way, we won’t know…until we know, ya know. It’s quite possible that Jay-Z and Beyonce are indeed expecting offspring. If they were, this might be one of the most famous munchkins to hit the third rock from the sun in quite some time.
Then I got to thinking. That’s what I do. I think. You thought I was just sexxy? See, you thought wrong. Not me? Oooh I think they like me. Boom.
What IF they were indeed pregnant? Hmm….this might actually have a real impact on the world. What kind of impact? Glad you asked. Here are 8 things that would happen if it turns out that Beyonce and Jay are actually having a human.
1. Barack Obama will declare the child’s birthday National Jayonce Day. I mean he’s already illegally invited them into places in the White House that they weren’t supposed to go. AND they brought Trey Songz. Yeah, that Trey Songz. Think about this people, Mr. Make The Neighbors Know My Name has held audience with Barack Obama. Plus, Obama has Jay on his iPod and has admitted to using him to get hype. Basically, Obama is a stan. He’d totally jock their kid. He might even try to knock Michelle up again just so they could have play dates together.
2. Kanye West would try to convince Taylor Swift that they should have a child together. Think about it, Beyonce and Jay’s kid will instantly become like the most famous baby (and richest) in a while. We all know that Kanye has a huge ego. No way is he going to let Jay upstage him on the family front too! Can you imagine the media firestorm that would follow if Kanye knocked up Taylor? That would totally knock Jay and Beyonce off the front page.
3. The economy would right itself. I’m not sure why, but this seems like a very real possibility. This kid could single handedly save the world. On some Jack Bauer sh*t.
4. Willow Smith would totally have to step her sh*t up. She’s the new “it” kid right now and seems like she could have a very bright future counting them BIG FACE HUUUUUNNNNIDS. But what happens if little Brooklyn Carter comes out doing a better singing/rapping impression than Drake? At age 2!?!!!! Yeah, Willow. Boyz II Men were from Philly like your daddy. End of the road.
5. Pr0n start Brooklyn Carter would get broke off. You know how in the NBA, NFL, and prison dudes pay for their numbers if somebody else has it? Jay has an entire lyric dedicated to naming his daughter Brooklyn Carter. He’s kind of stuck with it now right? And nobody wants to google themselves 20 years from now only to find out that the first five pages are full of pr0n clips. I’ll bet Jay pays her to change her name to like Bronx Carter or some other place that really sucks. Like Gary Indiana Carter or Rochester.
6. Jay and Beyonce would make a kids album. Some might think this could be a good idea. I actually think this might be the worst idea since the “Jump to Conclusions” mat in Office Space. I love Beyonce’s voice and all but I don’t know that “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” has much room for never-ending runs. Hell, we think Jay quotes Biggie too much. How are we gonna feel when he starts jacking Dr. Seuss WHOLESALE.
7. Jay-Z making Baby Bjorn’s popular items to be worn, even if you don’t have a child. F*ck what you heard, I can totally see Jay rocking one of them joints with some mandals and a charm bracelet. Just like when 50 made bullet proof vests all the rage, Jay could make the Baby Bjorn the cool item on the block. Baby Bjorns will become the new murses. Mark my words.
8. Nas will FINALLY respond to that “leaving c*nd*ms” on your baby seat remark with an inappropriate comment of his own. It will be shortlived though as Jay will once again remind him that no matter how many albums he does with Damien Marley, he still made Nastradamus and had the worst verse on “Oochie Wally”. Oh…and, the state of New York is f*cking him more than Kelis ever did.
It’s Friday. Put your thinking caps on. Surely the world will implode if they have a kid on the way. But let’s pretend it might not. What else would happen if Beyonce really is pregnant??!?!
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3