although i know most many of us will stick it out with an aint sh*t chick as long as her medulla’s mean and she stays extra right in her jeans, i’ve seen too many relatively good dudes wasting their time with them to stay quiet any longer.
swayed by a great smile, a sexy voice, a top-notch ride game, or that bomb-ass tomato sauce she always seems to make when she’s on her period, we have a tendency to be so entranced by the view at the beach that we fail to realize all of the fish are dead.
while our friends at the frisky have already named 13 signs that she’s a loser, to stop this madness and save the sea animals and sh*t, the champ has decided to share sevennine women to avoid at all costs. hopefully those of us lusting over aint sh*t chicks will stop daydreaming about her impressive boobage long enough to listen
1. ms. her friends aint sh*t
aint sh*t chicks run in packs, like wild wolves and jaded hispanics. basically, if at least half of her girlfriends could have easily auditioned for the love of ray j, she’s definitely more likely to be nivea than tamia.
2. ms. outrageous ultimatums (MOUS)
in college, influenced by an ass-to-waist ratio rivaling free’s, i once let an MOUS strong arm me into choosing her over a close high school friend who i hadn’t even seen in two years, just because she found out that the friend and i played “hide the tongue” a couple times in the summer of 1998 and 1999
the friend and i haven’t spoken since. the MOUS? two words: cat lady
3. ms. missing father figure
i know its not her fault that her dad had more miscellaneous seeds than shawn kemp. i also know that its not a turtles fault that its slower than southern math, but you dont see me out there baggage tortoises either.
4. ms. type a
the single worst bi-product of the obama era is the fact that the obama’s marriage has given all the type a chicks and dudes seeing type a chicks hope that things can eventually work out, failing to realize that their successful relationship is the exception, not the rule.
by definition, type a’s are “impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with type b personalties for the way that they’re always rushing”.
basically, a longwindedly politically correct way of saying “perpetually unhappy, evil b*tches”.
5. ms. zero to sixty in less than three
being conditioned to accept that women are highly irrational emotional beings has led many of us to excuse clearly bipolar behavior under the guise of “she’s a woman. its ok“, nevermind the time when you were three minutes late for picking her up from work and she stabbed you in the shoulder with a nail file or the time you told her she “looked nice” and she bawled uncontrollably for seventeen consecutive minutes until she fainted, she a woman, so its ok.
6. ms. i suck at life
i’ll admit, there’s a certain allure in dealing with women whose lives are a series of unfortunate events. it gives you the opportunity to play ironman while letting your dramalessness be an aphrodisiac. theres a reason chicks whose lives are a mess are usually the best in bed.
still, eventually the trials and tribulations of her life will affect you, and each of your days will become a scene from “final destination 3”, you unsuccessfully trying to avoid the ever approaching deathgrip of sh*ttyness that is her life
7. ms. i usually don’t date guys like you
there’s a reason for that. the rest of the “guys like you” were smart enough to run the f*ck away when they saw her coming
8. ms. batsh*t
although we covered them a bit more extensively already, i wanted to include this just to remind everyone that pulling a jasmine sullivan might get you dead
i have absolutely nothing witty or insightful to say. they need to perish, so just please stop f*cking them.
i know i’m forgetting a few. any additions?