Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

can’t trust it: 9 women to avoid at all costs

Robin Givens-AGM-007750

although i know most many of us will stick it out with an aint sh*t chick as long as her medulla’s mean and she stays extra right in her jeans, i’ve seen too many relatively good dudes wasting their time with them to stay quiet any longer.

swayed by a great smile, a sexy voice, a top-notch ride game, or that bomb-ass tomato sauce she always seems to make when she’s on her period, we have a tendency to be so entranced by the view at the beach that we fail to realize all of the fish are dead.

while our friends at the frisky have already named 13 signs that she’s a loser, to stop this madness and save the sea animals and sh*t, the champ has decided to share sevennine women to avoid at all costs. hopefully those of us lusting over aint sh*t chicks will stop daydreaming about her impressive boobage long enough to listen

1. ms. her friends aint sh*t

aint sh*t chicks run in packs, like wild wolves and jaded hispanics. basically, if at least half of her girlfriends could have easily auditioned  for the love of ray j, she’s definitely more likely to be nivea than tamia.

2. ms. outrageous ultimatums (MOUS)

damn you and your mesmerizing hips
damn you and your mesmerizing hips

in college, influenced by an ass-to-waist ratio rivaling free’s, i once let an MOUS strong arm me into choosing her over a close high school friend who i hadn’t even seen in two years, just because she found out that the friend and i played “hide the tongue” a couple times in the summer of 1998 and 1999

the friend and i haven’t spoken since. the MOUS? two words: cat lady

3. ms. missing father figure

i know its not her fault that her dad had more miscellaneous seeds than shawn kemp. i also know that its not a turtles fault that its slower than southern math, but you dont see me out there baggage tortoises either.

4. ms. type a

the single worst bi-product of the obama era is the fact that the obama’s marriage has given all the type a chicks and dudes seeing type a chicks hope that things can eventually work out, failing to realize that their successful relationship is the exception, not the rule.

by definition, type a’s are “impatient, time-conscious, concerned about their status, highly competitive, ambitious, business-like, aggressive, having difficulty relaxing; and are sometimes disliked by individuals with type b personalties for the way that they’re always rushing”.

basically, a longwindedly politically correct way of saying “perpetually unhappy, evil b*tches”.

5. ms. zero to sixty in less than three

being conditioned to accept that women are highly irrational emotional beings has led many of us to excuse clearly bipolar behavior under the guise of  “she’s a woman. its ok“, nevermind the time when you were three minutes late for picking her up from work and she stabbed you in the shoulder with a nail file or the time you told her she “looked nice” and she bawled uncontrollably for seventeen consecutive minutes until she fainted, she a woman, so its ok.

6. ms. i suck at life

i’ll admit, there’s a certain allure in dealing with women whose lives are a series of unfortunate events. it gives you the opportunity to play ironman while letting your dramalessness be an aphrodisiac. theres a reason chicks whose lives are a mess are usually the best in bed.

still, eventually the trials and tribulations of her life will affect you, and each of your days will become a scene from “final destination 3″, you unsuccessfully trying to avoid the ever approaching deathgrip of sh*ttyness that is her life

7. ms. i usually don’t date guys like you

there’s a reason for that. the rest of the “guys like you” were smart enough to run the f*ck away when they saw her coming

8. ms. batsh*t

although we covered them a bit more extensively already, i wanted to include this just to remind everyone that pulling a jasmine sullivan might get you dead

9. ms pretentious piece of sh*t (PPOS)

i have absolutely nothing witty or insightful to say. they need to perish, so just please stop f*cking them.

i know i’m forgetting a few. any additions?

—-the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    LMAO. This post was funny as sh*t.

    And whew. I’m not on the list.

    • Officer Ricky

      @chaoticdiva,

      So girl, washhyoonumma???

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @Officer Ricky,

        The question is…if I gave it to you, would you be able to handle all this quality woman-ness? lol…

        let my crazy ass stop.

    • Selah

      @chaoticdiva,

      LOL! that’s what I was thinkin the whole time. I mean – i DO have a friend that aint sh*t… but that’s just one of many, and we don’t hang much. so ha!

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      @chaoticdiva, LOL right? I’m not on this list neither.

      Nope. Not me. Mmmhmm….

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @chaoticdiva,

      I wonder how many women are on this list, but are in denial that they’re on this list. LOL!!

      • 8th Wonder

        @Monk,

        As do I

        • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

          @8th Wonder, *snicker*

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Monk,

        yeah, i think a few of our dear vss’s need a couple more people

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @The Champ,

          Is “a few” the new “a lot”? Just asking…

          • meleka @ work

            @Monk, “Is “a few” the new “a lot”? Just asking…”

            ^That made me chuckle.

            As far as the list itself, I might identify with # 5 sometimes. Don’t judge me! (LOL) When I DO snap, it’s usually a good reason.

        • Miss Patterson

          @The Champ, yo mama needs more people. :)

          • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

            @Miss Patterson,
            awwwwwww shiii

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Miss Patterson,

            LMFAO. She Skip Gates-ed YOU!

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @The Champ,

          lol

          It’s just SEVEN qualities. Us VSSs are complex and varied.

          In other words, you’re gonna have to do a list of 535 qualities for us to admitting being on the list. ;)

          • miss t-lee

            @Cheekie,
            Basically.

          • Deviant

            @Cheekie,

            complex and varied = crazy

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Deviant,

            LOL, hush.

            And by “varied”…I meant there are a variety of VSS personalities up in here that can’t be summed up with 7 9 bullet points. So, don’t act like it’s not possible to not be one of the girls in this wittle list.

            I didn’t mean “varied” as in borderline multiple personality disorder just in case there was any confusing there…lol

          • Deviant

            @Cheekie,

            I wasn’t confused. I stand by my comment. Yall crazy.

            This list cant include all the women here. Some of yall have to be good ones…at least 1 or 2.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @Cheekie,

            “I stand by my comment. Yall crazy.”

            Actually, you should SADDOWN by your comment.

      • Terrell

        All women make this list, and guess what, there not trying to make it better.You would think women would look around and say I’m not going to make dum decisions like the rest but nope, they still chase drug dealers and support 1st degree felonys that’s in prison, what’s really going on, it’s been said that Satan gets to women faster then men, what a shame.

  • overitloveswednesdays

    6. mr. i suck at life

    still, eventually the trials and tribulations of her life will affect you, and each of your days will become a scene from “final destination 3?, you unsuccessfully trying to avoid the ever approaching deathgrip of sh*ttyness that is his life

    *flashback*
    ………………….

    *twitching*

    co-sign, lool. i’ll be back with my own in the am.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overitloveswednesdays,

      6. mr. i suck at life

      ummm, i dont care how much you love wednesdays, like the mcdonalds value meals, no substitutions are allowed here

      • Gem of the Ocean

        @The Champ,

        lmao @ “i dont care how much you love wednesdays”

  • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com adopefiend

    BOOOOOO! i think im number sex i mean six.

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

      @adopefiend,

      you freely admit this? *sad face*

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @blackberry molasses,

        I totally can respect adopefiend for admitting this. A lot better than possessing these traits and lieing to yourself.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @Monk,

          indeed

          • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

            @BlackBerry Molasses,

            I’m working on it promise.
            First step to rehabilitation is acknowledgement of the problem. lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @adopefiend,

      ***trying my damnedest not to take my cape out of the closet***

      • charli skipper

        @The Champ,
        lol. what if she don’t wanna be saved?

        • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

          @charli skipper,

          nawwwwwwwww i wanna be saved. Save me SuperChamp!

          • charli skipper

            @Dope Fiend,
            I know, right? Deep down, we all wanna be saved. And I don’t trust any wanch that says otherwise.

  • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. happyhumpday!!!

    ms. egotistic(she’s got a big ego)–too big, too wide, too strong, it won’t fit. this is the type of female who thinks everyone, including her man, should feel blessed that she has honored them with her presence. she thinks the wet spot is like holy water, and her man should feel blessed to lie in that spot all night absorbing all of the greatness that is she. humility is not in her vocabulary…the beatitudes were not written for her. she thinks she is the best at everything, thinks she is the best woman you will ever have a chance of being with, and she knows that she can change and save you, even if you don’t want to be saved. stay away my very smart brothas…stay away.

    • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

      @N.I.A. happyhumpday!!!, I skates like bounced rocks from that broad…ev-ree sing-o tom!

    • Officer Ricky

      @N.I.A. happyhumpday!!!,

      I think my b*tchassness radar is accurate as ever thanks to VSB dedication to crime fighting and people like you. I have thankfully not met miss ego in a loooooong time.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Officer Ricky,

        I think my b*tchassness radar is accurate as ever thanks to VSB dedication to crime fighting and people like you

        this makes me smile and sh*t

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @N.I.A. happyhumpday!!!, “too big, too wide, too strong, it won’t fit ”

      LMAO.. Lovin’ your use of the lyrics here.

  • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

    Call me Luke Skywalker: Red 5, I’m going in…but first:

    that bomb-ass tomato sauce she always seems to make when she’s on her period

    That image is so iCan’t…

    Anyways, on the types you named off:
    1. That is the last ex-factor. Little miss thang talks about the snobbery of her two closest girls, but it runs deep in her like uteri. Extremely stuck-up. And swears that is not a fatal flaw of hers.
    2. OK, wasn’t exactly a real ultimatum, but I did let that first real gf (then-ex) kinda persuade me to cut off a Belizean chick I was seeing and take her back (the argument: “known me for a year vs. her three weeks”). All this off a visit that led to suckling. What might have been…with either one of them. But hey, I was 21…live and learn (c) Joe Public.
    3. Can’t stand dad-haters. I known too many of those (little miss thang, known from here on out as LMT, included). If it’s too much of a sore spot, she will be guaranteed to have issues with me as a father if we crank one out together.
    4. Generally didn’t get along with those women enough to make anything real jump off.
    5. Sounds also like that chick that just wanna be mad all the time. LMT had traces of it.
    6. If the fifis can say “I can do bad all by myself,” we can too. So it’s only 33-1/3% gay. Because someone who complains about her billion problems and doesn’t seem to be progressing in solving them is a drain after so long, which durb can’t cure (see LMT again).

    My types to steer clear of:
    -Those who don’t know how to get along with their own family. Holds grudges and always complains about them. As if they can never find a way to work it out. Just gon’ be bitter the rest of they damn lives. So my kids will never know that side, or at best a limited amount of the fam. No.
    -Clingy control freak. A man needs to be allowed to be a man. Yes, this is vice versa for the girls. If you love somebody, set them free (c) Sting. Stop with the attempts to make someone submit, let them naturally choose to have you as their filter of life.
    -Girls who live by “do I look fat in this dress?” questions. She’s pretty much the likes-to-fight type and has self-esteem issues to boot, quite a poisonous concoction. I know iCan’t with her, but you can play with her at your own risk.
    -Chicks that disrespect your house. Her place is spotless, but she has the nerve to leave her trash behind every single time she comes over, for example. Got the nerve to pop over whenever too. Same one who tries to mark her territory with draws, her toothbrush, pad wrappers, etc.

    • Smiley Face

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      …are you happier with today’s topic? Lol *tee hee*

      • miss t-lee

        @Smiley Face,
        LOL!!!!

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

        @Smiley Face,
        *snicker*

        • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

          @all of the above so far (before this gets out of hand),

          All I learned yesterday was that one runs a great risk of getting on too many bad sides and ruining a reputation and a brand by speaking out of turn. Definitely gonna watch it in the future.

          And am I happier with today’s topic? Slightly…

          OK, I’m ecstatic.

          • miss t-lee

            @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
            “OK, I’m ecstatic.”

            I knew it.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

            @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
            No, no. Feel free to speak out of turn. We’re all about freedom of speech and sh*t.

          • Smiley Face

            @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

            “OK, I’m ecstatic.”

            mmhhhhmmmmmm….LMAO!!!

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @Smiley Face,

        LOL…when I was reading this post, I was looking for The Champ to put “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW STUFF GHETTO PEOPLE LIKE?!”. Possibly with a strikethrough tag? Maybe as a footnote?

        Moral learned from Stuff Ghetto People Like: If you complain about brothas getting the sh*tty end of the deal, the blog writer will treat you with the quickness, but then next day you’ll still get the results you wanted. Now that’s brothahood.

        • Smiley Face

          @Cheekie,

          zactly! lol…I couldn’t resist!!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Cheekie,

          Moral learned from Stuff Ghetto People Like: If you complain about brothas getting the sh*tty end of the deal, the blog writer will treat you with the quickness, but then next day you’ll still get the results you wanted. Now that’s brothahood.

          although his complaint yesterday wasn’t the impetus behind this entry, i still feel like a sell-out and sh*t.

          damn blogging principles

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @The Champ,

            It’s aiight, Champ. You’re the people’s Champ, thus you are for the people.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      Um, what’s with ladies being in the hot seat in your post?!! ;)

      *giggling*

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        OK, don’t have me get all “Ice Cube’s first two albums” on y’all ninjettes….

        • miss t-lee

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
          Go for it.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

          Please, I beg you.

          Do.It.

          I know you’re feelin’ froggy today… so JUMP. :D

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @BlackBerry Molasses, I might be paying for yesterday the rest of the week on this site….smh….

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

            @SGPL,

            Nah…. just till 1:48 PM Eastern.

            Its all love from The Molasses One. I can’t never turn off my snark.

            I like you. “…you’re a baddy daddy lamatai tebby chai!”

        • Smiley Face

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

          lol…it’s all love shugahsnap, but you HAD to know somebody was gon say something, lol

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

          Yeah, go for it. *Ice Cue Voice* Yeah-yeah-eee!

          And you WILL pay for this the rest of the week. You know how VSB runs ish to the ground*.

          *running ish to the ground is 4% gay.

          • miss t-lee

            @Cheekie,
            “And you WILL pay for this the rest of the week. You know how VSB runs ish to the ground*.”

            *giggling*
            It might be the rest of the month.

  • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

    Pedestal Patty (Google her) … It’s the chick who thinks she’s too good for everyone, but wonders why she can’t find a man… Yet won’t realize that she’s the biggest part of the problem… Stay clear. Trust me.

    And the worst one on this list is “miss missing father figure.” I hate saying that, but the woman who has that complex the worst might be one the most effed up persons you can date. They tend to take a lot of stuff out on you … Never again.

    • Officer Ricky

      @thismayconcernyou,

      And the worst one on this list is “miss missing father figure.” I hate saying that, but the woman who has that complex the worst might be one the most effed up persons you can date. They tend to take a lot of stuff out on you … Never again.

      Maaaaan, this missing father figure sh*t is getting to your boy. I finally got my certification in this arena and BOY can I tell you how true it is.. the trust issues are a motherload, who wants to deal with that? I’m sorry, I’ve had a fair share of family issues but i think it gets shady after a damn while when you can’t get the f*ck on with life.

      • Humble_One

        @Officer Ricky,

        If the father is present it can be just as bad. If their father treated them like princesses and never held them accountable for anything it can be just as bad.

        • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

          @Humble_One,

          I agree with this one, too … this is Pedestal Patty in her finest hour.

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @thismayconcernyou,

            Co-sign.

    • http://blkbond.blogspot.com BlkBond

      @thismayconcernyou,

      Pedestal Patty keeps calling me! I let a date answer my phone and she keeps calling. I need to off this broad.

      Ms. Missing Father figure-Unfortunately, there is an entire generation of these women out there who are doomed to be single for the rest of their lives due to issues the have accrued from a situation they had no control over. Well…SOMEbody gotta be mistresses and concubines (shrugs)

      Bond.

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @BlkBond,

        “Well…SOMEbody gotta be mistresses and concubines (shrugs)”

        LMAO!!!

      • http://thismayconcernyou.com thismayconcernyou

        @BlkBond,

        Two words: Restraining Order.

      • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

        @BlkBond,

        “Well…SOMEbody gotta be mistresses and concubines (shrugs)”

        True! God bless the ones that step into that role. Ya gotta know the indecent to know the decent. Word to Mr. Ying and Mr. Yang.

      • miss t-lee

        @BlkBond,

        “Well…SOMEbody gotta be mistresses and concubines (shrugs)”

        Yep! Know your role.

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

          @miss t-lee,

          And play your position, dammit.

          Too many people out there trying to play above position!

          To them I say.. SADDDOWN.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @BlkBond,

        Well…SOMEbody gotta be mistresses and concubines

        this is true. everyone has a role and sh*t

  • AO aka MrBackfromtheBrink

    “theres a reason chicks whose lives are a mess are usually the best in bed.”
    ….wowww, just wow!! smh

    • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

      @AO aka MrBackfromtheBrink,

      Surely you don’t disagree…

      Venus Fly Traps apparently smell delicious to the unsuspecting bugs and small animals unlucky enough to try to taste it…

      I think you see the connection.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @AO aka MrBackfromtheBrink,

      welcome and sh*t (i think)

  • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

    What about the crazy chick? (I’m actually posting about this tomorrow) You fellas know you try and overlook the crazy in favor of the good cupcakes until she’s standing outside your house wearing night-vision goggles waving a gas can… All of sudden ya’ll are like… This B* is crazy! All that freaky-deaky manic set it off stuff she did in bed translates poorly when the crazy kicks in … I’m just sayin’

    The over-attentive, super jealous chick (which leads to restraining type crazy named above). The woman who stalks you across Facebook and Twitter, texts 10 times a days and freaks out when you haven’t called her back all day. That girl who wants to know where you are going and why it took you so long to get back from the gym. She listens to your voicemails when you leave the house, she has rifled your dresser drawers. She is positive you are cheating or getting ready to cheat. Just run fellas… fast, far and free.

    • Scipio Africanus

      @OneChele, I stopped at night vision goggles.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @OneChele,

      What about the crazy chick?

      i wrote about the crazies a few months ago and sh*t.

      you know what, i think i’m gonna add it to the entry

    • http://cookinwitgrease.wordpress.com Chasdizz

      @OneChele,
      “The woman who stalks you across Facebook and Twitter, texts 10 times a days and freaks out when you haven’t called her back all day. That girl who wants to know where you are going and why it took you so long to get back from the gym. ”

      yes lawd.

      this trait in a man has to be even more frowned upon than in a woman.

      then homeboy wants to kno why he hears men in the background….

      i’m at the gym, trick, what do u expect?!?

      but neways we goin in on women today, so i will co-sign hating the brawds who are forever whale failing and not doing anything about it or their pessimistic views on their situations. and when u make a suggestion they immejiately shut it down saying there’s no way they can work.

      it’s called “trying”.

  • Officer Ricky

    Ya’ll fellas are just looking way way too deep into this sh*t.

    The ultimate deal breaker has got to be the girl who BEGS and just doesn’t understand that NO means NO. LAWDAVMERCY! I think there is nothing more unattractive than a girl who begs for your time and attention in a hardy way. She just doesn’t get your not into her or doesnt want to see it. She is with the thickness.

    I’ll take the baby daddy(lying) and ms.type a(still lying) or whatever over a lil miss dun dun any day!

    • http://www.twitter.com/jalexanderh Dante_Alexander

      @Officer Ricky,

      Does “In a Hardy Way” mean she begs as she solves small neighborhood crimes? I’m confused.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @Officer Ricky,

      *nodding head*

      Yep, begging chicks are bad. Bad as in bad, not bad meaning good.

  • Quark

    Ms Woman Hater. The type of girl who can’t get along with other women to save her life. She claims that they are all backstabbing heffers but really this is just a reflection of her own slapper like tendencies and uber b*tchiness. Beware gentleman- a girl who can’t have a healthy relationship with her own sisters will never be able to have one with the opposite sex!

    • RedBeanzNRice w/Neckbones

      @Quark,

      Word. Hmmm – “slapper-like” tendencies reminds me of Sorority Life. I like it.

      • SouthernGirl

        @RedBeanzNRice w/Neckbones,

        that show was a hot mess

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Quark, ” a girl who can’t have a healthy relationship with her own sisters will never be able to have one with the opposite sex!”

      I agree, Dr. Quark (psycholo-gizing deez h*es)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Quark,

      Beware gentleman- a girl who can’t have a healthy relationship with her own sisters will never be able to have one with the opposite sex!

      yeah, this is one of the signs that you’re an evil b*tch