Lists, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

7 Ways To Make A Black Man Lose His Cool

There are like 10 of these in existence: Black men comfortable on ice skates.

There are like 10 of these in existence: Black men comfortable on ice skates.

Very few things on this planet are cooler than a Black man. A polar bears toe nails and the polar vortex come close, but no Cuban. At the end of the day, we (for the most part) tend to be cooler than the other side of the pillow.

[Sidenote: I realize that not all Black men are cool. In fact, I'm quite aware of a significant number of Black men who are the anti-Christ of cool, veritable Kim Jong-Uns of uncool, aggressively parading their tendency towards Urkel at the masses with reckless abandon. There is nothing wrong with this mind you, more fact than anything. Just saying that while Black cool is something that many men have, we weren't all born with it. Do remember though, some version of Urkel is now cool as long as you're a rapper. Strange times.]

Black Men Being Cool is one of the biggest positives and worst afflictions to Black women everywhere. While women love that the man on their arm commands presence and eyes of others who wish they had Bad Motherf*cker on their driver’s licenses (they do not), they ALSO wish we’d take off our cool sometimes. Andre 3000 even had a song called “Take Off Your Cool” that was largely ignored by men everywhere as we were too busy reciting “Roses” and trying to practice the alien prance from the “Prototype” video which might be a bit on the uncool side if it weren’t for the fact that 3 Stack was doing it. That’s one cool cat.

I seem to have lost my point.

Ah yes, Black men, our cool, and not being vulnerable. While I do love being cooler than most, I do recognize that there are moments when I can let my guard down, even if I suck at doing it. What I also realize is that there are places where my guard will be let down whether I like it or not. Luckily for you, you’re in luck.

That was cool of me to say. Deep too.

I’m going to tell you 7 ways to make a Black man lose his cool. Be clear, this is purely for purposes of advancing your relationship and not to torture the Black man in your life for your own entertainment purposes. The Black man cool is important. Treasure it and do not toy with it for it is not to be toyed with with Mary Jane’s emotions while you are being her. Don’t be Mary Jane. Seriously. Don’t do it.

Because I’m happy, clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do.

1. Take him ice skating

You want to see a Black man go from Lance in The Best Man to Bob from Accounting in 3 seconds flat? Watch him walk onto an ice skating rink. It’s over the MOMENT we hit the ice. You cannot be cool while your arms are flailing and our knocking out white children who have been skating since they were sperm.

2. Make him get into a swimming pool (not a jacuzzi) if he can’t swim

He will hold your arm and be so overly cautious you will forget that he probably has a gun under the seat of his car as his “viper” security system. But mostly, it’s really hard to be cool when you’re concerned about drowning.

3. Take him to a place with a bunch of little kids he’ll have to interact with

Let me tell you something: I love kids. They’re fun. I like playing with them (in the non-pedophilia way) and helping them stay entertained. Get on the floor and play legos? I’m game. Let’s do it. Point is, most of us forget to play it cool when there are kids around.

4. Mice

You can’t create this one usually, but if you’re bored, go buy a mouse and let that sucker loose in your house – assuming you are okay with a rodent being around. Black dudes and mice just don’t go together. And never will. Cool? Gone.

5. Get him a hard-to-get pair of Jordan’s

There’s this special moment between the time he opens a box and the time he realizes whats in the box which might be the most honest moment of his life. That debonair exterior gets melted away into a smile of epic proportions that harkens back to days of yore when his mother would make that real bacon – not that turkey backon sh*t…what kind of sick motherf*cker would make bacon out of a turkey anyway – and put it on his plate right out of the pan. Mmmmm…bacon.

6. Take him to see an emotional, relatable movie

Movies about Black men dying and slavery (don’t have to be the same movie; think Fruitvale Station and 12 Years A Slave), and you are likely to get those moments where my man realizes emotions he didn’t realize he had. You know, the same way we all felt when Ricky died in Boyz N The Hood.

Oh, just in case you didn’t know…Ricky died.

Actually, it’s the EXACT same reaction that women had when Stringer died in The Wire. And yes, Stringer died in The Wire. No spoiler alert. That n*gga got shot.

7. Get him a puppy or a kitten

This one is weird I know, but creep with me. Have you ever seen a boy with a dog? The bond folks have with their pets is real and sometimes disgusting if the pet kisses them on the mouth. But when the pet is a child cat or a child dog, and they roll up on him and want to cuddle…no way in South Hell that he’s going to say no. He’ll probably hold that little child cat or child dog like a baby so they’re comfortable. At which point his cool…well, it’s hard to be cool when you’ve got a kitten on your shoulder and you feel all special because the kitten chose your shoulder to lean on. We all need somebody to lean on. We be jammin. Extra points if its a Rottweiler puppy.

Those are 7 ways to make a Black man lose his cool and get a little vulnerable. Again, this is not to be used for evil. A Black man without his cool is a sitting duck, defenseless against the winds of danger that are out there trying to rob of us of our dignity. Unless he’s just not cool then he feels okay.

You’ve all seen it though. So what are other ways to make a Black man lose his cool? Be kind, rewind.

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. REBIRTH OF THE COOL aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://www.twitter.com/pleasefeedthedj ChaoticDiva

    *Sharpens Claws*

    .
    (just kidding. no, really, it was a joke. I swear I’m not that evil. mostly.)

    • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

      Those glasses go very well with your face. :)

      • ChaoticDiva

        Why thank you! They also go great with my vision, now that I can see what I run over much more clearly. (another joke. but not really.)

      • panamajackson

        That was a very descriptive statement. Very straight and to the point as well. Good job.

  • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

    Watching something hilarious that she doesn’t find funny at all.

    Lifting beyond your weight class after offering to help her lift the heavy thing.

    • TheHumanSpider

      Or just laughing at something in general. Once my laugh comes out, all eyes are on me. Have had plenty of awkward situations in general.

      And you don’t even have to offer to lift the heavy thing. They’ll just volunteer you to lift it and most times, they’ll assume you can lift it…

      • JayIzUrGod

        I have a very loud, high pitched laugh ( i blame my cousin for it, because his is just awful.) so i am not the person to sit next to in a movie theater when something funny happens

      • panamajackson

        I have a homeboy with THE most contagious laugh ever. Kills all his cool every time.

        • TheHumanSpider

          That is me.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “Lifting beyond your weight class after offering to help her lift the heavy thing.”

      This is why I don’t lift with my son. I’m like how you gonna help me when you can’t lift 135???

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      Those be the worse I was crying the other day at some vine video and she just killed my whole vibe

  • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

    #3 is the truth. I’ve never seen a man so happy to put on a dress, plastic heels and a boa before I saw my ex interacting with his niece.

    • JayIzUrGod

      If we get along with the kids, we lose ourselves in playing with them. People tend to mistake that for signs of good parenting…but its really just a release to be goofy.

    • panamajackson

      Can’t lie, I’ve put on a boa. A flaming pink one. In public because my daughter insisted.

  • Fruity Pebbles

    “…while your arms are flailing and our knocking out white children who have been skating since they were sperm.”

    *tears*!!

    I read #5, as get him a hard on…..and that made NO sense whatsoever.

  • Msdebbs

    Free my comment PLEASE!!

    • nillalatte

      Right?! I got locked up and didn’t even use bad language. But, other folks around here using four letter F words all day long. *cries* Where are our internet rights?! *walks over to closet and gets out a poster board and a stick to design my boycott sign*

    • JayIzUrGod

      You do realize if your comment is modded, you can edit it to fix the problem and it will show up without waiting, right?

      • nillalatte

        You do realize that if you miss correcting the word that we get locked up for that it disappears into space, right? This is not three strikes law. You get one shot…. Eminem just popped in my mind. LOSE Yo’ self!

  • afronica

    “In fact, I’m quite aware of a significant number of Black men who are the anti-Christ of cool, veritable Kim Jong-Uns of uncool, aggressively parading their tendency towards Urkel at the masses with reckless abandon. There is nothing wrong with this mind you, more fact than anything. Just saying that while Black cool is something that many men have, we weren’t all born with it. Do remember though, some version of Urkel is now cool as long as you’re a rapper. Strange times.”

    The best, tightest thing I’ve seen from you on here. Loved this paragraph, Panama.

    Also, #5 is true. I bought a cousin some J’s (not even hard to cop ones). The look on his face made my Christmas. He was silly happy. Never seen him act like that.

    • panamajackson

      Did you just call me thirsty?

  • JayIzUrGod

    Thanks for the paragraph on not being cool…because I’ve never been cool AT ALL. And I’m ok with that. I like being obtuse, weird, and special. Cool might come at a later age.

    Any woman that tries to make me skate is basically saying she thinks I can commit mass murder with my feet, because that’s exactly what will happen as I slip & slash every 5 seconds.

    Not being able to swim in a pool is a sin, get it together. Not being able to swim in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, 40 miles off the coast of Barbados? Yea….come see me about that.

    Mice aren’t bad. Rats are. NYC rats. Mice might irk me, but I catch them, dead or alive (thanks to the cat), and chuck them outside. Sewer rats? I’ve kicked like a football or stood still while it walked by.

    J’s….nah…I’m good.

    Hmmm….the movie thing…never works on me. Except for Up, the Incredibles, & Wreck-It-Ralph. Got my emotions a lil twisted.

    • panamajackson

      Wreck-It-Ralph got you? I may need to revisit that movie.

  • writelaughdream

    Well I have seen many of black men lose their cool in regard to Christ. It’s great to see men like Lecrae, Bizzle, and tons of other real men, put God first. It’s a moment of vulnerability but strength at the same time.

    • Testicular Fortitude

      THIS!!

      I don’t know why anybody in their right sense of mind would down vote you.

      • panamajackson

        Some folks hate Jesus.

  • kidvideo

    This post was cool…just not “sardonic disdain” cool.
    I’ll tell ya one group of blk guys, that i’ll bet, are lacking the cool gene… Black Tea Partiers…Those the kinda dudes that only play Darius Rucker music(of Hootie fame) and eat Sun Chips.

    • JayIzUrGod

      And wear sweater vests

      • Uniquely Blushed

        and socks with sandals…

        • Sigma_Since 93

          athletic socks with jeans or dress pants

        • JayIzUrGod

          And jackets tied arpund their waists or shoulders

    • panamajackson

      Darius Rucker has some good tunes though. Can I admit that out loud? Who cares, I’m cool.

  • Chris Thompson

    Interesting read!

    • panamajackson

      Thanks!