Very few things on this planet are cooler than a Black man. A polar bears toe nails and the polar vortex come close, but no Cuban. At the end of the day, we (for the most part) tend to be cooler than the other side of the pillow.
[Sidenote: I realize that not all Black men are cool. In fact, I’m quite aware of a significant number of Black men who are the anti-Christ of cool, veritable Kim Jong-Uns of uncool, aggressively parading their tendency towards Urkel at the masses with reckless abandon. There is nothing wrong with this mind you, more fact than anything. Just saying that while Black cool is something that many men have, we weren’t all born with it. Do remember though, some version of Urkel is now cool as long as you’re a rapper. Strange times.]
Black Men Being Cool is one of the biggest positives and worst afflictions to Black women everywhere. While women love that the man on their arm commands presence and eyes of others who wish they had Bad Motherf*cker on their driver’s licenses (they do not), they ALSO wish we’d take off our cool sometimes. Andre 3000 even had a song called “Take Off Your Cool” that was largely ignored by men everywhere as we were too busy reciting “Roses” and trying to practice the alien prance from the “Prototype” video which might be a bit on the uncool side if it weren’t for the fact that 3 Stack was doing it. That’s one cool cat.
I seem to have lost my point.
Ah yes, Black men, our cool, and not being vulnerable. While I do love being cooler than most, I do recognize that there are moments when I can let my guard down, even if I suck at doing it. What I also realize is that there are places where my guard will be let down whether I like it or not. Luckily for you, you’re in luck.
That was cool of me to say. Deep too.
I’m going to tell you 7 ways to make a Black man lose his cool. Be clear, this is purely for purposes of advancing your relationship and not to torture the Black man in your life for your own entertainment purposes. The Black man cool is important. Treasure it and do not toy with it for it is not to be toyed with with Mary Jane’s emotions while you are being her. Don’t be Mary Jane. Seriously. Don’t do it.
Because I’m happy, clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do.
1. Take him ice skating
You want to see a Black man go from Lance in The Best Man to Bob from Accounting in 3 seconds flat? Watch him walk onto an ice skating rink. It’s over the MOMENT we hit the ice. You cannot be cool while your arms are flailing and our knocking out white children who have been skating since they were sperm.
2. Make him get into a swimming pool (not a jacuzzi) if he can’t swim
He will hold your arm and be so overly cautious you will forget that he probably has a gun under the seat of his car as his “viper” security system. But mostly, it’s really hard to be cool when you’re concerned about drowning.
3. Take him to a place with a bunch of little kids he’ll have to interact with
Let me tell you something: I love kids. They’re fun. I like playing with them (in the non-pedophilia way) and helping them stay entertained. Get on the floor and play legos? I’m game. Let’s do it. Point is, most of us forget to play it cool when there are kids around.
You can’t create this one usually, but if you’re bored, go buy a mouse and let that sucker loose in your house – assuming you are okay with a rodent being around. Black dudes and mice just don’t go together. And never will. Cool? Gone.
5. Get him a hard-to-get pair of Jordan’s
There’s this special moment between the time he opens a box and the time he realizes whats in the box which might be the most honest moment of his life. That debonair exterior gets melted away into a smile of epic proportions that harkens back to days of yore when his mother would make that real bacon – not that turkey backon sh*t…what kind of sick motherf*cker would make bacon out of a turkey anyway – and put it on his plate right out of the pan. Mmmmm…bacon.
6. Take him to see an emotional, relatable movie
Movies about Black men dying and slavery (don’t have to be the same movie; think Fruitvale Station and 12 Years A Slave), and you are likely to get those moments where my man realizes emotions he didn’t realize he had. You know, the same way we all felt when Ricky died in Boyz N The Hood.
Oh, just in case you didn’t know…Ricky died.
Actually, it’s the EXACT same reaction that women had when Stringer died in The Wire. And yes, Stringer died in The Wire. No spoiler alert. That n*gga got shot.
7. Get him a puppy or a kitten
This one is weird I know, but creep with me. Have you ever seen a boy with a dog? The bond folks have with their pets is real and sometimes disgusting if the pet kisses them on the mouth. But when the pet is a child cat or a child dog, and they roll up on him and want to cuddle…no way in South Hell that he’s going to say no. He’ll probably hold that little child cat or child dog like a baby so they’re comfortable. At which point his cool…well, it’s hard to be cool when you’ve got a kitten on your shoulder and you feel all special because the kitten chose your shoulder to lean on. We all need somebody to lean on. We be jammin. Extra points if its a Rottweiler puppy.
Those are 7 ways to make a Black man lose his cool and get a little vulnerable. Again, this is not to be used for evil. A Black man without his cool is a sitting duck, defenseless against the winds of danger that are out there trying to rob of us of our dignity. Unless he’s just not cool then he feels okay.
You’ve all seen it though. So what are other ways to make a Black man lose his cool? Be kind, rewind.
Talk to me. Petey.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. REBIRTH OF THE COOL aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3