Admin Note: Next Tuesday, April 13, 2010, from 530-10pm at Sutra Lounge in Adam’s Morgan, Panama Jackson will be one of several DC-area bloggers hosting a happy hour brought to you by Elevated Entertainment and Usual Suspectz. Come hang out with VSB P the Certified 3 and a slew of other popular DC bloggers like Leon from Listentoleon.net, etc. Admission is free. The address is 2406 18th Street NW. Come one, come all…holla at a playa when you see me in the street trick. Nuts.
orgasms are somewhat overrated
it first dawned on me a couple a weeks ago while watching my girlfriend’s neutered cat play “chase the off-white piece of lint that actually might be a dead moth” for five minutes in her living room. although i initially looked at mr. peepers (the name of the cat) with a feeling of haughty “aha. i have a pair of deez and you don’t“ ridicule, it soon dawned on me that even though this eight pound piece of fur has never even fathomed what an orgasm is, he’s happier playing with a piece of dried skin on a hardwood floor than i’ve ever been (or will ever be) about anything, and this made me re-evaluate my feelings about the big o.
before i continue, i want to make clear that “overrated” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad” or “worthless” or any other adjective with negative connotations. for instance, if you (rightly) referred to kobe bryant as the most overrated player in the nba, it doesn’t mean that he’s not a great player…just not exactly as great as many would like you to believe. i mean shit, as much as i love oranges, i’m willing to admit they’re the most overrated member of the citrus family (limes and lemons are much more versatile)
but, although we all love orgasms more than crackheads love home depot, when you consider the lengths we go through and the risks we take to get them, you can’t not come to the conclusion that the five to twenty-five second creamy culmination of our trials and tribulations is more anti-climatic than season five of the wire.
anyway, remembering this made me think about a few more things about sex that kind of suck when you really think about them, and, without further ado, here’s six more
2. post-coital clean-up
with all the talk about unemployment and new job creation, why hasn’t someone founded a post-coital clean-up company yet? seriously, as annoying as it can be to clean up after sex, who wouldn’t pay someone to come in your crib and take care of all the wet spots, used condoms, dead midgets, and dirty sheets for you while you were still in your uber-lazy post sex coma? i know i would.
3. hearing people much younger or much older than you talk about it
i would be a much happier champ if i could go through the rest of my life never hearing anyone more than ten years younger (because i’m always tempted to just tell them to shut the f*ck up) or fifteen years older (because i’m always tempted to just tell them that nobody wants to think about your old ass f*cking) than me refer to anything sexual in any context ever again.
4. the “i didn’t do a complete and thorough clean-up of my parts after sex last night, and now its the morning and my wang is practically superglued to my boxers” face.
***this, btw, is a close cousin of the “i didn’t do a complete and thorough clean-up of my parts after sex last night, and now its the morning and i have to pee and my hole is glued tighter than sam jackson’s wig in pulp fiction” face***
5. what happens when attempting to figure out how to deal with unexpected bodily functions (sneezing, passing gas, crying, etc) during sex
personally, i usually just signal for a time-out when this occurs. (it never actually works though. the referee present usually isn’t paying any attention to me.)
6. penis performance pressure
does this “women are (generally) pressured (to put out) before we get to the sack, but once we actually get there the pressure is (generally) all on men to perform” count as irony, and shouldn’t i be a bit ashamed that i’m not completely sure whether that’s ironic
7. the drought goggles
worn when you’re going through a longer than usual (and “usual” in this case is relative. for some it could be two weeks. for others, two years) period of a lack of opposite sex contact, they decrease your usual standards exponentially, but, at this point, you could really care less. the mailman,your kids school-bus driver, your parole officer, DMX’s wife, your ex…right now, it doesn’t matter, and that just simply sucks
anyway, i’m sure i’m missing a few. tell me, people of vsb.com, what else about sex really kind of sucks sometimes?
—the champ
“orgasms are seriously overrated”
wat.
Why did I think that was a typical male statement? It’s like it doesn’t take much for dudes…meanwhile if you have a vagina…
“post-coital clean-up”
I hear leakage can be bad for chicks…
@KaNisa,
Why did I think that was a typical male statement? It’s like it doesn’t take much for dudes…meanwhile if you have a vagina
if you stop dicking around, it shouldn’t take much for ya’ll either.
@ The Champ…..quick question: how can we ladies actually “dick” around…since (most of us) ladies do not own said genitalia?…unless we’re not biologically ladies at all? Hmmm…..may wanna chew on that one…. =/
Lol, I want to add that I have never had any hole glued shut because I always get up to pee and clean up. You get urinary and yeast infections if you don’t.
Post Coital clean up crew idea gets an A+. I’d be willing to pay extra for them to go to my fridge and bring me a ham sandwich and some red kool aid…
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
I’d be willing to pay extra for them to go to my fridge and bring me a ham sandwich and some red kool aid…
see, i dont even need them to do that. just come with your haz-mat gear, clean up, and go home
I couldn’t agree more with number 8. Also, I think the stress you feel after a protection malfunction and the outrageous cost of Plan B.
@sanen85,
“Also, I think the stress you feel after a protection malfunction”
yes! i had a protection malfunction in ’07. i spent the whole next day chuggin orange juice in all my classes, prayin & making promises to God, and makin a fool of myself and tellin all my business (um….I requested “all the tests”….) at the student health center.
@charli skipper,
also, i don’t know what the hell kind of doctor that was, because he tried to talk me out of the damn HIV test talkin about, “I don’t think that’s what your symptoms are. It looks like you have strep throat.” um…….ok, cool, I have strep. but you don’t know what the hell else I could have, MAN! and this is why i think that the high rates of HIV in females is a conspiracy. bastid tryin to talk me out of getting tested. tha hell!?
@charli skipper,
“he tried to talk me out of the damn HIV test.”
This is weird. I’ve had doctors talk me out of getting tested too. I can’t figure out what they wouldn’t want to test everyone that came through the door.
@sanen85,
number 8? is there an uncut version of this list i know nothing about?
@The Champ, I guess I was half asleep looking at this on my phone last night. I meant number 7.
Sometimes I would rather sleep. With kifs and a husband s.e.x is easy to come by
Sleep is not
Romance is overrated. Yes candles rose covered beds and bubble baths are great but
I aint always trying to make a love scene sometimes come on and get it.. Hard fast and a lil rough but
Maybe that’s just me…
@shay-d-lady, i could not agree with you more, i want it and i want it now. Actually i would rather go out for dinner after… FEED ME SEXUALLY THEN FEED ME PHYSICALLY……tea shirt material right there…lol
@Jamaicangirl,
Bidding 4 your email starts exactly when?
@Tx10inch, I am taking applications for E boos!!! lol
@Jamaicangirl,
how YOU doin
@Jamaicangirl, Major Cosign there. Hah one of my best relationships went that way, then I’d make him take me home so I can sleep in my own bed. But don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the post coital cuddling also.
@shay-d-lady,
“I aint always trying to make a love scene sometimes come on and get it”
this, btw, is also the working title of tyler perry’s “why did i get married too, part 2″
@shay-d-lady,
I aint always trying to make a love scene sometimes come on and get it.. Hard fast and a lil rough…
Yeah, you’re really married.
Trying to be romantic with two babies under 5 is a pipe dream.
Performance vs Personality: You find a guy you really dig, get him in the bed (or wherever), only to discover he was far more interesting before the clothes came off. Meanwhile, the jerk you wish was born without vocal cords can sweat it out every time.
LOL. cosign. sigh.
@Keity Rich, “the jerk you wish was born without vocal cords can sweat it out every time”
Big co-sign!
@Keity Rich,
i think with men we can amend this to performance vs physical. as many guys will probably attest to, quite often the bangingest chicks seem to be the boringest in the sack
@The Champ,
True. As. Hell!
And on #4: The un-sticking never gets easier. It sucks just as much today as it did when I was 17.
What a downer…
@Keity Rich,
Oh my, this truly, utterly sucks monkey balls. Ugh.
@Keity Rich,
DEAD!
*comes back to life to cosign.
then dies again! bruahahaha!!
@Keity Rich, thats one of those sexual ironies, such as in order for men to be good lovers means we are smashing a healthy number of women before we meet you. So no we arent going to shut it down because you took us to the moon last night. We compare and contrast. We (men and women) would I guess prefer a lover with low numbers but can we put up with their lack of skill and experience plus endurance or lack there of. Most of us cannot.
@Keity Rich, GIRL YES.
I could stab myself in the damn face when a certain man speaks (or as I choose to call it, makes incoherent sh*t escape from the gaping hole of uselessness and f*ckery on his face) but he is a wonder to behold.
But it gets to the point where you’re so irked with yourself with tolerating it that you cut it off for the sake of your own sanity. Side-eyeing yourself is a sign something in the milk ain’t clean.
Birth control and condems can definitely be a hassell, but I guess it’s better than the alternative.
@Monk,
Birth control and condems can definitely be a hassell, but I guess it’s better than the alternative.
pulling out?
@The Champ,
Pulling out (as I noted in my own post) is damn near worse than condoms and birth control.
Ain’t nothing worse than putting in work, then getting right to that magic moment, and then having to pull out and settle for that.
It wrecks the whole vibe and you almost wonder if it was worth the effort.
Rhythm method is my new friend.
my additions:
the toll it takes on my hairdos.. problem is.. i like my hair pulled… lol.
the contortionists women are supposed to transform into…. men watch too much p0rn.
tending to bite marks/scratches… it SUCKS to discover them in the morning shower.. stinging like heck….
@JessKnowsBest,
Now what does’NT suck is when there’s no evidence that you visited the salon in the last week, let alone the last 48 hrs & you’re just layin’ back, grinnin’ cuz it was def worth the sacrifice & the besties clownin you…
@JessKnowsBest,
the contortionists women are supposed to transform into…. men watch too much p0rn.
i want to agree.
When the va-jay-jay “farts” or “quifs”, I find this awkward when having sex with someone for the first time. But if the gettin’ is good, you both will simply overlook it and continue doing the do. We’re all grown! lol
@MissBXNYC,
there’s a hilarious patrice o’neal skit where he talks about exactly that, but i dont feel like finding and linking to it right now. maybe later
@MissBXNYC,
I thought this was the sign that everything is going GREAT!
Means it’s a looooonnnngggg stroke.
That he’s pulling all the way out and going all the way in and that he…..is……er, um……wait……having a flashback…………………………
8. Getting scrapped by the extremely sharp condom wrapper in the middle of the night.
9. Picking the condoms that are stuck to the floor.
10. Having to lay in the wets spot because my girl hates them.
11. 5 minutes after the final round you realize you have to go back to living your ordinary life.
Sidebar: Kobe Bryant IS the game’s greatest player.
@Knightnick, lets not forget the kid jumping in bed after talking about “daddy why is it wet right here” *hangs head in shame* bet i wont forget to lock the door next time…
@Knightnick, Haha I can’t believe I’m admitting this but those are def embarrassing. I wish there was a way to make those alot less awkward after sex.
@Knightnick,
11
wait
… let me think about that…
…ahh..
yeah
11
@Knightnick,
Sidebar: Kobe Bryant IS the game’s greatest player.
you’re not one of those, are you?
@The Champ,
Yes, I am one of those proud LAKER/Kobe fans.
@Knightnick,
11. 5 minutes after the final round you realize you have to go back to living your ordinary life.
Ain’t that the truth though… Le Sigh.
Haha while on the subject, how do guys really feel about “squirters”?
@Firefly,
Yeah!
@Firefly,
love them, how YOU doin
@Firefly, two thumbs up!
@Firefly,
I wonder when Champ will start the biding for your email address?
@Humble_One, Hahaha I was just curious. To me it seems like its one of those things that are AMAZING at first, then the novelty of it wears off.
@Firefly,
Haha while on the subject, how do guys really feel about “squirters”?
they’re the 9th wonder of the world
@The Champ,
@Firefly,
Haha while on the subject, how do guys really feel about “squirters”?
Their cool/amazing at first and after that when you do it on the reg it kinda gets annoying cause your bed and sheets get super soaked and you cant really lay down a go right to sleep after unless you like sleeping in puddles
@Firefly,
See Squirters are the illest. *daydreaming* Shshshshshshsh I’m dreaming of my happy place.
YAAAAAY! I just discovered this blog, and let me tell you I LOOOOVE IT! I’ve gone back and read so many of the old posts! You guys really are the truth.
** what else about sex really kind of sucks sometimes? **
So I’m feeling like probably because I don’t have any experience, like zero, it will suck when I finally do start – because I suck. And THAT’S what sucks. :-/
Do guys have patience???
I’m just being honest.
Ha.
(Yaay. Welcome me (and shit, hahaha!!))
@Anastasia!!!, LMAO.
welcome and sh*t
it will suck when I finally do start – because I suck. And THAT’S what sucks. :-/
this sounds like a remix to “this is why i’m hot”
@Anastasia!!!,
So I’m feeling like probably because I don’t have any experience, like zero, it will suck when I finally do start – because I suck. And THAT’S what sucks. :-/
Do guys have patience???
guys are (typically) more patient in regards to bedroom performance than women, so if the guy is digging you, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about
welcome deez, btw
@Anastasia!!!,
like my wh*re cousin told me back in ’97, it hurts the first 72 times. you’ll think you’re breaking.
@charli skipper,
Ain’t that the truth!!!! I guess I was an old virgin- didn’t get got until about 2 months from turning 26. The first few strokes hurt like a mug for about 2 freakin years especially since I wasn’t getting it on the regular!!!
Creamy Culmination huh? If I ever have a rock band this will be our name.
@miss t-lee,
personally, i think you should go with the throat punchers
@The Champ,
Nah…I think Creamy Culmination has a better ring to it.
@miss t-lee,
* i call drums in this imaginary rock band. please and thank you.
@Keisha Brown,
All yours!
@miss t-lee,
And I would want to play the bass! Ha!
@Sula,
Yes ma’am.
Work!
@miss t-lee,
I got dibs on “cow bell” and costume design….
@legitimate_soul,
I can only dream of what CC’s costumes are gonna look like.
I’m gonna be on vocals and triangle. Yep!!!
All we need is a horn section and a guitarist, and I think we’re golden.
@miss t-lee,
would i heart vsb shirt’s be required? oh wait…they dont exist yet.
(and before you can do it..exist deez).
Women who can’t take tha d*ck. Ya’ll talk all dat sh*t, but when it’s time to get down wit the get down, it’s “be gentle”, “not so hard” “u too rough”…”can i have some more?” lol. Love makin is definently cool. (with the one you actually LOVE) But when you get in a groove and she ain’t goin with tha flow, it can make for an unpleasant xxxperience. And Nawh, (after all that bitchin) you can’t have any more…well, um..maybe.
@Tx10inch,
i dont know if gem of the ocean is going to appreciate all that advertising you’re doing
@The Champ,
I was about to say.
@The Champ,
Lmao! No ads here, just keepin it real…*looks around for e-boo just in case*
@Tx10inch,
i will also have to pretty much say the same thing for females too. NOTHING is worse than a dude who can pretty much turn you on by saying hello, make you wanna turn every conversation into a phone sex marathon and then..wompity womp when it ACTUALLY comes down to it.
everyone (males and females) needs to stop talking about HOW good they are and just BE good. and if you aren’t – get to learning!
that is all.
@Keisha Brown,
If there is one thing I have learned is that a man that talks about his piece and his prowess is and always will be a disappointment. There is nothing like dating someone for a few months and after all the foreplay of those few months you get to that moment and your eyes just widen with genuine and lustful surprise.
The occasional quick nut. Ha sometimes you bag a honey so spectacular in the sack you’re just overwhelmed like Mr. Marcus and Superhead. Honey takes Round 1!
@Da Iceman,
speak for yourself. this never happens to me. (and by, “never happened to me” i mean “hasnt happened to me in at least 24 hours”)
@The Champ, Ha ha
While my adoration for the horizontal polka almost prohibits me from saying anything associated with the dance of loveliness as “sucks”…(which you should early and often by the way ladies)….the terrible sh*t talkers are right at the top of my list. Ladies, saying “give me that penis” is the same as saying “turn and cough” at least for me. Other examples are “oh, grab my buttocks”, “spank me like Father Dominic used to”, or the ever popular “give me that stuff”. Ladies, I know some of you rehearse what you’re going to say, and to that, as long as it doesn’t sound rehearsed, keep doing what you do. Then there are those of you that “what I say is what I say” and that’s much appreciated as well, but you need to work some filth into your everyday rotation so I don’t have to dismount laughing because you said “bang my cervix you guy that is really good at sex guy you.”
@Saule Wright,
Dude…your s.e.x life sucks a.z.z. What type of stick up the arse females do you meet? Next time this happens, just say…kill yoself bytch.
@Saule Wright,
Ladies, saying “give me that penis” is the same as saying “turn and cough” at least for me. Other examples are “oh, grab my buttocks”, “spank me like Father Dominic used to”, or the ever popular “give me that stuff”.
LOL
@Saule Wright,
‘Ol girl needs a lesson in how to dish out the dirty talk.
@miss t-lee,
or just stop already.. “oh grab my buttocks”? #wheretheydothatat.
@Sula,
“oh grab my buttocks”?”
Yeah…exactly. Agreed.
If she’s that bad, she should just be quiet.
@Saule Wright, I’m just curious as to why people have to talk all the time. I mean it’s good to get into it, and I enjoy dirty talk. But too much takes away from how much you’re actually enjoying it.
This kilt me. I swear.
Spank me like Father Dominic used to?
ahem…While my adoration for the horizontal polka almost prohibits me from saying anything associated with the dance of loveliness as “sucks”…(which you should early and often by the way ladies)….the terrible sh*t talkers are right at the top of my list. Ladies, saying “give me that penis” is the same as saying “turn and cough” at least for me. Other examples are “oh, grab my buttocks”, “spank me like Father Dominic used to”, or the ever popular “give me that stuff”. Ladies, I know some of you rehearse what you’re going to say, and to that, as long as it doesn’t sound rehearsed, keep doing what you do. Then there are those of you that “what I say is what I say” and that’s much appreciated as well, but you need to work some filth into your everyday rotation so I don’t have to dismount laughing because you said “bang my cervix you guy that is really good at sex guy you.”
Half-ass head. Aight girl, I understand you want me to get up in there. But I’ma need you to do more than that little lick lick followed by you climbing on top.
@Slim Jackson, LIKEWISE.. i’m gonna need something more than a finger and a n*pple squeeze.. WTF?!?! not only that, but that REALLY doesn’t turn me on.. i’m just rollin my eyes and watchin “friends” on the tv behind you..
don’t be mad, i’ll slip in a groan on the commercial breaks..
@Nick_L_Odeon,
LOLOL. coSIGN.
@Nick_L_Odeon,
don’t be mad, i’ll slip in a groan on the commercial breaks..
Kilt.
Am I the only married w/kids chick here?? The broadway production that has become sex is by far the worse…
Did we lock & close the set?
Do we have proper lighting?
Are the kids properly cared for w/ snacks & activities?
How long is the intermission?
No cell phones or cameras please…unless…
@Alovelydai,
you forgot about the ushers. you can’t forget about the ushers
@Alovelydai,
Ain’t nothing worse than thinking the babies are in bed asleep and then having one of them stroll into the room right when you’re putting it in…
As a man, I’m like “Put that little ninja back to bed so we can do this thing.”
But, my wife is on some “Oh, what did he see? Do you think he saw? Oh, I don’t think I’m in the mood now, I can’t concentrate.”
My oldest boy done almost lost his life behind his curiousity, I promise you that.
Also, what’s up with women having to “concentrate” to have a good time?
@Big Man,
sex for us is 85% psychological. that’s why.
carry on.
GOOD Idea for a post!
Nothing really sucks for me concerning s*x…but, I really hate when my hair gets all sweated out and stringy..and my mascara starts runnin’….I look like a wet raccoon…..also, I hate when I have pulled an all nighter..and the next day I’m kinda sore and tired….it decreases my productivity level the next day…but, that usually only lasts a day….other than that, I can deal…..LOL.
@QueenT,
the wet raccoon look is actually kind of hot, in a campfire type of way
Uhm yeah, had to go ahead n’ tuck myself in on ‘creamy culmination’… I’m sure sweet dreams were had by all…
What sucks is when your partner is just in such a rush to the main event that no finesse is employed – but you’re your own partner that nite so ya just mad at self.
And when they think they can just recline like their name is Prince Akeem, waiting for the royal peeenis to be cleaned.
Or when dude is either clueless and can’t read body language or just in need of an extra helpin of ego strokin’ so you gotta endure an exit interview bout if it was good to ya/did ya come&go/is it worth doin again insteada pickin’ up ya panties while u can recall where they landed…
@bittersweet’s baby,
And when they think they can just recline like their name is Prince Akeem, waiting for the royal peeenis to be cleaned.
was this rhyming intentional? if so, good job. if not, better job
1. The 69 is overrated. Think about it: you can’t really enjoy because both of you are too busy “giving” and one person is simply going along with it just to please his/her partner.
2. Maybe I’m the lone person willing to admit this-I don’t have to orgasm everytime and I don’t mind if my SO climaxes before I do. Sometimes just the closeness of chex is enough. I don’t want my SO pounding away because he has this idea that I just have to come all the time. Besides, that can become painful if my…natural lubricant is getting low.
@Ivyette, “2. …I don’t have to orgasm everytime and I don’t mind if my SO climaxes before I do. Sometimes just the closeness of chex is enough. I don’t want my SO pounding away because he has this idea that I just have to come all the time….”
This has been the hardest concept for me to grasp. When I’m told this I always think it’s one of those trick statements you ladies use whereas, if I take your word for it, I’ll be judged later. I always think to myself “Uh huh, I ain’t falling for it!”
@Caballeroso,
I think it depends on the person you are dealing with (like most things really)… But trust me, some of us don’t mind the closeness of chex and/or the guy coming before we do
just proves how powerful the yoni is…j/k…not really…The feminine O is one of the most complex things… I can’t (always)blame a guy for a very wired/layered physiology…
@Caballeroso,
This has been the hardest concept for me to grasp. When I’m told this I always think it’s one of those trick statements you ladies use whereas, if I take your word for it, I’ll be judged later. I always think to myself “Uh huh, I ain’t falling for it!”
i agree. its one of those things i refuse to wrap my mind around, regardless of how true it might actually be
@Ivyette,
“The 69 is overrated. Think about it: you can’t really enjoy because both of you are too busy “giving” and one person is simply going along with it just to please his/her partner.”
What about 68 and I owe you one?
“Maybe I’m the lone person willing to admit this-I don’t have to orgasm everytime and I don’t mind if my SO climaxes before I do. Sometimes just the closeness of chex is enough. I don’t want my SO pounding away because he has this idea that I just have to come all the time. Besides, that can become painful if my…natural lubricant is getting low. ”
This is why I like you. And there are ways to fix it when the natural lubricant is getting low.
@Ivyette, The 69 is overrated. Think about it: you can’t really enjoy because both of you are too busy “giving” and one person is simply going along with it just to please his/her partner.
Agreed, tried that once with an ex, it was either me just trying to enjoy or him just trying to enjoy and in the end we both weren’t that satisfied. I’m just like let’s just take turns.
@Ivyette,
2. Maybe I’m the lone person willing to admit this-I don’t have to orgasm everytime and I don’t mind if my SO climaxes before I do. Sometimes just the closeness of chex is enough. I don’t want my SO pounding away because he has this idea that I just have to come all the time. Besides, that can become painful if my…natural lubricant is getting low.
I’m in the same boat. Try as I may, I don’t catch the big O each and every time. Usually it’s the man’s fault. Why you change the rhythm up on me?!!! I was right THERE….oh so close, and you wanna change up the strokey doke. Now it’s back to square effin 1 and by the time I’m about to hit a home run…this ninja’s is sliding on to the plate. SMH
@La Bakir, Girl stop…if I’m thisclose to having an orgasm and he changes up, I will DEMAND that he change it back! HA! No excuse for not getting yours with someone you are with sexually. Defeats the purpose of doing it otherwise. (well, most times it does)
@Mo,
Oh yes girl! I will let him know! And if he don’t listen, I’ll try to unsuspectingly (is that a word? :/) try to put my hands his butt/hip bone area and control the rhythm,lol
@La Bakir,
Why you change the rhythm up on me?!!! I was right THERE….oh so close, and you wanna change up the strokey doke. Now it’s back to square effin 1 and by the time I’m about to hit a home run…this ninja’s is sliding on to the plate. SMH
PREACH!!!!!
@Ivyette,
“1. The 69 is overrated. Think about it: you can’t really enjoy because both of you are too busy “giving” and one person is simply going along with it just to please his/her partner.”
I take a different perspective on this one. I get more into “giving” when my girl’s “giving” is on-point. I make it a friendly little game. If she’s “giving” so well that I can barely focus, I try to flip the script and “give” until she loses focus or gives up the “O”. She does the same in return. This way, even when I loose, I win.
@Ivyette,
Besides, that can become painful if my…natural lubricant is getting low.
*this is why a bottle of water is forever at my bed side. REHYDRATE!! (aka: SWITCH!!). And it can come in handy (the water) for other fun…hmmm….
@Ivyette, I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels that way about 69.
@Ivyette,
1. The 69 is overrated.
Most overrated s.ex position in the entire world! Who even came up with this? Old Indian folks who wrote the Kam.a Su.tra I am looking at you.
And no you are not alone, sometimes the act itself is indeed worth it… The exchange, the entering, the combination of bodies…etc…etc… all that can oftentimes replace an “O”….
Doesn’t take away from the greatness that is allathat + big O.
@Ivyette,
“The 69 is overrated.”
Agreed.
I prefer to only concentrate on one thing at a time.
@Ivyette,
I want to cosign on #s 1 & 2!
69 is definitely overrated…I’d much rather either totally be the giver or totally be the receiver than try to give and actually enjoy receiving at the same time….I just can’t multitask like that.
and I also don’t mind if I don’t get to orgasm every time, and I hate feeling pressured that I HAVE to orgasm so the guy feels like he did his job. Sometimes it just isn’t gonna happen and I’m okay with that. Sometimes the closeness is all I really needed.
first time with the right person can be good, but sometimes it’s a PITA if they are too ‘cautious’. the first time should be hot, sweaty, knocking over furniture type stuff
@Dee,
the first time should be hot, sweaty, knocking over furniture type stuff
see, i ‘d argue that the first time should be a bit awkward (especially if its with someone you care about), and you eventually build to the hot and sweaty shit
@The Champ, Isn’t awkward the same as clumsy…..as in you’re not paying too much attention to anything but each other, so you’re apt to knock over some furniture…or a vase at least.
@Dee, Agreed. I don’t care if it’s someone I really care about. Chances are if I care about you, then I’m more than likely hella attracted to that person, and what better time to let the raw animal attraction come out than the first time?
@Mo, exactly! you’re going to be fumbling and grabby and all over the place…and apt to knock over some furniture. But some guys are too cautious and ‘respectful’ and you don’t get to that point.
When the guy keeps doing stuff that I have stated that I don’t like. Don’t keep doing that. Especially giving head the way I don’t like. I don’t care how someone else liked it, I’m not her.
@Deeds,
Especially giving head the way I don’t like.
everything about this statement (the grammar, word choice, and content) is hilarious to me
1) gauging your stroke
When you get older you can’t just jump in and get to work all the time. Once you gauge your stroke then you know how to pace yourself and strategize how to hit it.
2) busting a strong one
not all nuts are the same. You got the normal ones then you have the ones that have you feeling like Duncan McCloud after he has taken someones head. It feels like your qi, life force, etc. is coming out your wang at that moment. You may make a horrible face or your body may react odd.
3) You call it drought goggles. We called it having “warehouse syndrome”.
Women that you wouldn’t give a second look to all of a sudden don’t seem that bad. You have to watch out when you have “warehouse syndrome”. You can easily get caught up with a new baby momma or a big girl or ugly broad that will have you hooked because she will do anything.
4) Trying to prevent the wet spot
It’s a good thing to have a towel or rag close by. Even then sometimes you can “miss the target”.
@Humble_One,
LOL at all of yours. so sincere.
but please explain why you call it ‘warehouse syndrome’? i think that’s hilarious.
about your number 2… i’ve been literally scared (and felt like that DEAL. hehe) and thought i needed to call either an exorcist or 911 before. whoa.
@Muze,
“but please explain why you call it ‘warehouse syndrome’? i think that’s hilarious.”
‘Warehouse Syndrome’ is called that because it’s something that you catch like the flu. ‘Warehouse Syndrome’ is when you become attracted to unattractive women that you work with in a factory, office, warehouse, etc. What happens is that you don’t go out and your only contact is with people is at work. This happens when you go through a drought, don’t have a woman, working a lot, and not getting out much. The only cure for it is getting out the house. It’s a very dangerous swag killing disease. I think that some women can sense when men have it and they prey on those dudes.
@Humble_One,
“Warehouse Syndrome’ is when you become attracted to unattractive women that you work with in a factory, office, warehouse, etc. ”
…this is exactly what i thought it meant. bwahaahhaa. loves it.
@Humble_One,
“You got the normal ones then you have the ones that have you feeling like Duncan McCloud after he has taken someones head. It feels like your qi, life force, etc. is coming out your wang at that moment. ”
:::DEAD:::
________________________________ (flat line)
my issue is when i’m laying there, after all the festivities and fireworks.. then someone remembers that we’re late for the movies, or basketball.. or WHATEVER.. and you have to hurry up and pull yourself together.. clean up, get rid of evidence..and figure out if you have enough time to run and take a shower..so that the homies don’t look at you sideways when you come around them smellin like s*x..
i just wanna lay down!! why do i have to move?!?!
i’m sure i’ll remember more in a minute..
@Nick_L_Odeon,
“so that the homies don’t look at you sideways when you come around them smellin like s*x.”
or your parents during sunday dinner at their crib
You go your seperate ways w/ The best you ever had
This sucks b/c the bar is set so high. And I’m speaking from personal experience. Not only did me and the ex go our seperate ways, but he’s been deployed. Where does that leave me? I can’t even go back in times of desperation. I’m terrified of what wackness may lie ahead, b/c seriously…can it get any better than him? We were soooo in sync w/ each other it was ridiculous. I’ve cried ya’ll….cried during the act it was so good. *sighs*
*cue Puffy’s voice* It’s all effed up now…what am I gonna do now?!
@La Bakir,
*there, there…big e-hugs to you..cuz girl..i SOOOOO feel you. i’ve been there/am there… best I ever had…#nodrake…
@Keisha Brown,
*e-hugs back* Yeah girl…it’s a damn shame. That ninja was my crack…gotta get that narcotic out my system.
@La Bakir,
I so, so feel you… Especially when the “greatest you ever had” didn’t have any potential of being a serious S.O… now the SO you absolutely love and adore and all that good stuff does NOT compare, not that he is bad, absolutely not… just that it’s not the “greatest you ever had”… It’s a sad state of affairs all around.
@Sula,
I know right!!! It really is a sad state of affairs…smh
I need my memory erased of this dude a la “Men In Black”. I’m really scared that when I have sex again it won’t be up to par…I’ll be finger poppin the rest of my life….
@La Bakir,
I’ll be finger poppin the rest of my life….
Not finger poppin! Bwahahaha!
No… you’ll find someone who will talk to your body… I promise… *looks away wistfully*
@Sula,
LMAO!!!!
I can only be so fortunate to find another who speaks my body language. *looks into the sky, squiting ever so slightly*
okay 3 is gross. 4 is hilarious. and 7… bwahahaha.
what is this s.e.x word you speak of? lol. hmm… in the absence of anything resembling it in my life at the moment… i find it hard to say anything is bad about it. lol. but i’ll make a feeble attempt.
1. man crying.
i’m not against man crying at any other moment (well i won’t say any, but you get me) but ummm yeah. when chexing, i’m going to need you to not cry. like, real tears. real AUDIBLE tears. like boohooing. talk about weird. i mean, thank you for making me feel like i possess the secrets of the divine betwixt thine stems, but wow.
2. getting a cramp while *sitting atop his throne*
yeah that isn’t fun. but you have to just be a G and ride it out (hehe) and hope he doesn’t notice. or find a creative way to make him take the reins.
3. weird experiences and fumbles with food/candle wax/inanimate objects
i’ve heard several horror stories about something ‘new’ gone wrong. like pouring hot wax on skin and pulling skin off with it. yeah. just don’t.
4. getting sweat dripped on you.
sweat is a part of the experience, i know this. i enjoy it. buuuut…the ‘glow’ is good enough. there is nothing as anti-sexy as having a big raindrop sized salty sweat bead drop onto your forehead and slip into your eye. ew. men, take a timeout, please. or keep a towel close.
@Muze, *dead* @ #4….the worst is having said sweat not drop in your eye…but drop in your mouth….talk about instant sahara!
@Muze,
4. getting sweat dripped on you.
Word…ish feels like hotsauce in your eye! FIYA!
@Muze,
“1. man crying.”
Are you serious? Where did you find this emo dude? There are men that cry? You must have used a strap-on on him.
@Humble_One,
LMAO @ Emo dude
you’re slaying me this morning
@Humble_One,
bwahahaha.
i had the same reaction, trust. like, seriously? *side-eye*
@Muze, OMG!! and WTF??
“crying?!?!”
LMAO!!
___________*flatline*____________
@Nick_L_Odeon,
Exactly.
I wanna know exactly what you did to make ol’ boy cry.
*waiting patiently with notebook and pen*
@Muze,
Sitting right here besides miss t-lee with my notepad. Dish it, missy.
@Muze,
big raindrop sized salty sweat bead drop onto your forehead and slip into your eye
yup. that just about killed me. *shudders a la sideshow Bob.
Q: One thing that sucks about chex?
A: That I’m not having it. Boom boom pow.
Happy Monday, ya’ll!
@Cheekie, (c) MJ ” you are not alone”
LLS *le sigh*
@Orangestar Happy Hunting,
*clicks open lighter and sways from side to side*
@Cheekie,
*nods head in agreement.
@Cheekie,
yeah. it does kind of suck to be you.
@The Champ,
*sobs*
Oh, and “kind of deez”.
4. getting sweat dripped on you.
Word! That ish feels like hotsauce in your eye!
I am over here seriously LMAO!!!
I read the title and said to myself “WTF could ever suck about sex?!?!?”
But I have to agree, Champ, with everything you said…and sht.
Especially #5, trying to hold in some poisonous gas while TheDude is dining at the Y.
@SexyCool,
“Especially #5, trying to hold in some poisonous gas while TheDude is dining at the Y.”
*dead* tell my mama i loved her.
@SexyCool,
trying to hold in some poisonous gas while TheDude is dining at the Y.
I am slain. Oh Em Gee.
@Sula,
Me too.
Dayum.
Bwahhahaha.
@SexyCool,
“Especially #5, trying to hold in some poisonous gas while TheDude is dining at the Y.”
Flatlined………………………(time of death 10:57am)
to # 5 and maybe #6 too….as you get older you learn to relax more, to really enjoy and savor the closeness of just being together more without worrying about being perfect etc and even learn to laugh at those unexpected natural but sometimes funny and awkward occurences LOL….being able to laugh and have fun with it, is nice!!!
@Orangestar Happy Hunting,
yeah, five actually doesn’t suck that badly if you appreciate comedy. theres no comic relief like a well timed fart inbetween a chorus of “ooohs” and “who’s your landlord’s?”
what else about sex really kind of sucks sometimes?
Having to be quiet because your neighbors have already complained to management about how loud you can be durning the horizontal polka, even though its not really your fault, you try to keep it quiet but he hit’s the right spots, all the time and sometimes the pillow doesn’t mask you callin his name and the other things that are said that can’t be repeated here…*shifty eyes*
@Complex Simplicity,
I bet your neighbors know my name.
LOL – couldn’t resist.
@Complex Simplicity,
actually.. there is something extra sexy about the forced silence/stealth mode sex. cuz dude then tries to wuk (yes..wuk) it EXTRA hard to try and make you holla…
*so seriously.. can i leave work now to find a dude? this whole post right here??? if all the chefs at work weren’t gay or married… might find me in the freezer @ lunch!
@Complex Simplicity,
That truly does suck. But then again, you don’t want him to be homeless…lol
anyway, i’m sure i’m missing a few. tell me, people of vsb.com, what else about sex really kind of sucks sometimes?
…when she wants to be untied.
@Tx10inch,
Aaaaaaahahahaha that’s hilarious! especially cuz I just want to roll over and sleep now. Lol
@Muze,
LOL!! that cramp business is FOR THE BIRDS!!! i can’t stand it.. usually happens when there is a wall involved.. it is a mood killer “hold on, wait.. WAIT!! d*mn, my hip is outta wack.. we gotta switch”
and it always comes at the wrong times..
OH!! knowing that something is about to pop off and realizing that you have to use the bathroom..
“d*mn, wait a minute.. i gotta go peee”.. instant killer.. then you get back in the bed and start twiddling your thumbs.. “well, i guess you can pick up where you left off..” negative.. not the best situation.. i find myself wondering if i can make it happen without bustin my bladder.. that won’t work either.. UGH! muy uncomfortable!
@Nick_L_Odeon,
LOL!! that cramp business is FOR THE BIRDS!!! i can’t stand it.. usually happens when there is a wall involved.. it is a mood killer “hold on, wait.. WAIT!! d*mn, my hip is outta wack.. we gotta switch”and it always comes at the wrong times..
Word! And I’m like 5’9…I catch cramps often…what the hell am I do with all this leg?!!
@La Bakir,
exactly. i’m 5’8″. we need to switch this up or something. goodness. i always regret not doing my stretches that morning. lmbo.
@Muze,
LMAO!! Seriously….I’m like “dude….grab that chair and I can get on top that way”
With “chair riding” your legs have ample room…no cramping involved. On the bed…I’m always confused as to where to put them,lol
I know one thing that does suck, s.e.xual politics. Seriously. Guys always claim they aren’t territorial, even with they have no intentions of a real relationship but get all kinds of hurt if they suspect you even talk to the opposite sex. Damn double standards.
@Firefly,
Guys always claim they aren’t territorial, even with they have no intentions of a real relationship but get all kinds of hurt if they suspect you even talk to the opposite sex. Damn double standards
and exactly how is this a double standard?
@The Champ, Maybe I forgot to put the rest of it there. But from my experience I’ve been with a guy or two who claim they wouldn’t care if I was out talking to other people because we’re not in a relationship but then freak out at any sign of other males. Then because I’m a chick, they assume I’ll get jealous and all that sh*t over the same stuff or if I do mention it, they fly off the handle. <— haha I'm not sure any of that made sense.
@The Champ, And maybe not double standard. Just first thing that came to mind.
Cecksie time w/ Dr.’s is bad cuz they want to diagnose crap… Listen heffa I sweat when I swim! Now roll them big ole hips. Lol
When the connection ain’t there. I mean there shouldn’t be any truely annunciated real words during coitus.
Oh an a cramp anywhere during coitus.
@WuDaMan,
“Listen heffa I sweat when I swim”
lol, this definitely sounds like the title of a movie directed by craig brewer
@WuDaMan,
‘When the connection ain’t there. I mean there shouldn’t be any truely annunciated real words during coitus.’
eXactly. because i thought that maybe i was trippin. one time i dated this guy that midchex, called a whole time out to ask me an unneccessary question in the most cerebral way,
“[insert charli skipper's gov'ment name here], are you the time of person that likes to be ____________ or __________________.”
that was awkward. because if you can’t figure that out through exploration, then i’m the type of person that likes to click the lights on and be driven home. NOW.
@charli skipper,
See when someone goes there I like to think that they ain’t ready. I’m like I been to practice. I warmed up & shot one off before I picked you up. I’ve sized you up w/i 8 seconds of first seeing you. All the Wooing Cooing and sh!t has led to this moment here. Now PUT ME IN THE GAME COACH! I’m done talking w/ words. Open the windows I think that the world needs to learn what real love sounds like. Next stop nirvana in 5 4 3 2 1 *singing* I been workin this grave shift I ain’t made $h!+ Lol Get in your lane My drive is gone shift you…
Oh…yeah…what sux about s.ex – Aunt Flo interrupting sht.
Once the red tide showed up in the middle of the night unbeknownst to either off us. What started out as a sweet morning delight ended up looking like that scene from Seven when we went to change positions – talk about stabbing a wound.
Wang died. And the RiverDeepOpenWide dried up like Moses had parted the waters.
@SexyCool,
bury me beside the want b/c I just dies too
LMAO!
@SexyCool, this has only happened to me once.. but LMAO at “the scene from Seven..”
it DOES look like a murder scene..
OH.. when i had a round 1, and it had to be short and sweet.. and spend all day talkin and thinkin bout round 2.. and she arrives in the middle of the day while i’m at work..
all that “round 2″ talk is gonna have to get a raincheck.. UGH!!
A few more things that suck
1) That feeling that the condom is going to overflow when you bust.
2) If she hits that one position, act, move, whatever that takes you out the game when you intended to play for a few more quarters. I’m starting to believe women get a kick out of doing this.
3) Being with a woman with the flexibility of a baseball bat.
4) Having sex with a lazy chic
4a) I know it’s been said here before but being with a chic that is built like Lastarya, Deelishis, or (insert video vixen here) and the sex is just wack.
@Humble_One,
I’m starting to believe women get a kick out of doing this.
And you will be believing right.
The flexibility of a baseball bat though? iCant with you. LMAO.
@Humble_One,
Out of control!
oh and #2 is ever so true
@Humble_One,
“) If she hits that one position, act, move, whatever that takes you out the game when you intended to play for a few more quarters. I’m starting to believe women get a kick out of doing this.”
We do. LMAO
Thank you for playing.
@Humble_One,
and i notify that statement..
however, this ish can backfire.. as i didn’t intend for you to pack it in and call it a night.. i just wanted round 1 to be quick, so that round 2 is longer.. but “why are you sleeping? it’s 7 o clock.. are you dont?? for the night???”
that’s the meanest thing that could ever happen to me…
@Humble_One, Haha I’m really wondering about number 3 there.
If a girl is that stiff and uncomfortable with doing the deed, how’d you get her there in the first place?? Just curious!
@Firefly,
Persistence.
How about the fight for the dry zone on the bed?
That’s if there is one.What about the whole bummer surprise? I equate it to opening a beautifully-wrapped gift box… only to find a mound of horse sh*t in there. Well, when you unwrap his gift and it looks like a tired crayon… what do you do? You play it off and
dead the relationship ASAPwork around it… still unfortunate. (I’m sure men have this same issue with the magical bras around here giving women with titties like a 9 year old boy pornstar cleavage.)It’s already been mentioned upthread that men are expected to knock it out the park on the first hit which isn’t fair, but is completely true
and completely reasonable IMO, pump your heart out babybut women have their issue too. Chris Rock referred to it as “rationing out the p*ssy” or being forced to administer the good in ascending levels of freakiness. I guess society prohibits whipping out the hoenastics on the first go-round. #kanyeshrugI think for me its not the act of-because you will have some left field moments our bodies aint machines. Its more the psychological aspects. Most good lovers get around (or have and can still if they really wanted too) so how to deal with the fact your best aint monogamous and has no plans on being so?
Then theres the kids, I only have about four friends married. Everyone else is common law, with kids from previous relationships. Some of them are 35 with 15-18yr olds kids…..creepy, or (we all got one friend/relative) dude who at 16 got two chicks prego at the same time, now 36 that its killing son (this cat in particular has no college education nor any other tangible skills makes around 30k in NYC).
This brings me to my next point. Our generation vacillates between extremes, some us want marriage (the concept not reality) yet we live in a quasi porn culture where “regular women” take “pole dancing” lessons (fantasy and not reality). Ex strippers/porn chicks have advice columns and get reality tv shows with huge ratings. Look how young girls dress, peep women over 25 still trying to look 19. Sex as a physical act will have bloopers but its the other stuff around the actual act itself I find more interesting. In my 30′s now these are the conversations me and my boys have, not so much about bad head or, she wont do this no offense havent had that talk since about 23.
I guess the one thing that can suck about sex, great sex never will be in a mans a mind a factor in being his girlfriend especially if up front yall agreed it aint going nowhere past the sex. I guess some things sexually speaking havent changed at all.
Things about sex that suck. hmm…
1. Awkward/strange questions during sex. I don’t know. Some women seem to think it is the best time to start with in depth interrogations and ish. There’s a solution to that though…
2. Someone’s pet either crying constantly or trying to get involved. o_0
3. Going hard for almost an hour and suddenly realizing that the lube is on the other side of the room.
4. Bathroom breaks.
@MeteorMan, i was dog sitting and the dog would be on the other side of the door bawlin his eyes out.. that’s NOT what’s hot in the streets..
then you’d stop, go walk him, then he wants to jump on the bed with you.. WTF?!?! and sleep on your forehead…
nah sparkie, that’s not gonna work..
@MeteorMan,
“2. Someone’s pet either crying constantly or trying to get involved. o_0″
Oh yes. Just as bad as kids. Hella territorial. Will watch you and then have the nerve to sleep in between you. Or on top of YOUR pillow.
Tried to block this bad part out of my memory. But now I recall all too well.
7. Being a responsible person who gets tested regularly.
This doesn’t have to do with the act of sex itself, but the anxiety that comes with waiting to get your results is enough to make you wanna reconsider celibacy.
@Anger Management,
ugh. even though you FEEL good..knowing that so many of the std’s have NO symptoms for a while..it’s that 1% chance that you could have something. and here, it’s..no news is good news. WTF is that?? I WANT TO HEAR THE GOOD NEWS MUTH***AKAS!!
What sux about chex? Bad chex. I’ll stop talking to a guy if his bedroom performance is seriously subpar. Plus, I get tired of taking a shoulder to the chin because he’s doing the bunny hop.
@meka, …..please explain.
OH…aaannnddd….(I keep thinking of stuff)
I actually don’t mind the wet spot. H#ll, I’ma be sleep in two minutes or less anyway – (if we did it right.)
I’m wondering how to phrase this one.
I was thinking that what’s overrated is having sex when you don’t want to have a baby.
Hear me out.
No man wants to use a condom. None of us. So, we want to go raw. But, if you’re going raw with somebody whose not your wife or serious girlfriend, there’s always the risk of a baby or STD.
Then, even with your wife, if you don’t want particularly want to have another baby, you either have strap up, have her take extra hormones, or engage in some other unattractive system of baby prevention.
I mean, who wants to a grown married man pulling out? It’s horrible, but necessary.
So, anytime you’re doing it and not actually trying to make a new baby, the whole sex act can feel overrated. You have all this extra stress and worry for a small benefit.
I ain’t stopping, but that’s something I was pondering.
@Big Man, then again to me it’s really funny when I splatter a tramp stamp and yell WHO’S THE WETBACK NOW!?! Lol
@WuDaMan, Haha! You’re a fool.
The only thing that REALLY sucks about sex is when you can’t have it for whatever reason.
Impossible scheduling/time issues, aunt flow, and then the ultimate:
***Because the dude doesn’t want to wear a condom****
YES/tru story. I’m 25 and this is the first time I’ve ever dealt with someone who straight turned it down because I told him he had to put one on. I’m stupid crazy about him, but not plain ol’ stupid. So…we just.can’t.have.sex.
THAT sucks. He ain’t finna compromise and neither am I.
*deep,heart heavy sigh*
@truthinrumors,
Stick to your guns, babygirl. I’m proud of you and I don’t even know ya’.
tear drops….
@SexyCool,
smh. I had to google “what to do if..”
this took me alllll the way back to highschool. its like i had to learn how to be prepared all over again.
@SexyCool,
please co-sign here: ___keisha brown____
Another thing that sucks, at least for girls is the upkeep on shaving. I do it all the time because I don’t want to be know as “one of those girls” but still sucks just a lil’ bit.
I wonder which is worse…the day after you take off your drought goggles, or reading this blog and realizing your drought goggles have been on for a solid four months now :/
Also bad, drunk s*x where the guy can’t quite get it together and the morning awkwardness that follows. Not that I would know anything about that, recently.
My first time posting though I’ve been lurking for a few months but I hate HATE when a dude does the same thing over and over again every time we chex. Sweetie I’m not a lab rat!!! *kicks over a chair* Hmph.
I’m coming in late saying this on purpose. What sucks about sex (for the woman) is what I call the day of drip.
Now women who have had unprotected sex where Mr. Man does not pull out is familiar with the day of drip.
It kinda sucks. But only a lil bit. Unless your sexing Peter North. And well if you are going raw with him the.day of drip is the least of your concerns.
I personally cannot understand unprotected sex. Even when married, i’m probably still going to be using condoms unless we’re trying to have kids
or playing batman and catwomanEmbarrassing to explain or inexplicable sex related injuries. It’s always awkward to come up with lies for a limp, tit*y shaped goose egg, busted lip, etc that result from getting buckwild. Parents, coworkers, and children giving you doubting or dagger stares after hearing blatent falsehoods. You can’t exactly tell them. We were chucking and the boxspring slipped causing the bed to collapse the headboard to fall on my forehead , my hand slipped off his shoulder causing me to headbutt his lip, and we both sprained our ankles getting out of the wreakage.
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Next to his only son, an orgasm is the best gift god has ever given us.