- A couple laughing after finishing chapter six of “He Clearly Prefers Penis: A Ten Step Guide to Understanding Why The Hell They’re Still Together”
While I’m not one of those who think Steve Harvey should be disqualified from dispensing any relationship advice (I’ve gone back and forth with this, but I’ve come to realize he’s speaking to and helping a particular set of people who would benefit from his type of advice, and I can’t be mad at that), his upcoming “Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep and Understand A Man” sounds so much like “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” that he might as well as just named it “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Too”, and this type of repetition is systematic of the relationship advice usually found on book shelves. A quick perusal of the titles in the self-help section at Borders yesterday confirmed this, as I saw “Why Men Love Bitches“, “How To Be a Bitch Who Men Love“, “Bitch, You Listening?“, and “Settle, Silly Bitches” all within six inches of each other.
With this in mind, I thought of a few titles that would shift the relationship book paradigm from “books about things we really already know, but just need someone to beat them into our heads repeatedly for us to figure them out” to “books about things we genuinely seem to have no f*cking clue about”
1. “The Dick-Bait and Switch: Why We (Men) Happily Waste Women’s Prime Reproductive Years Even Though We Know It Will Eventually Bite Us In The Ass”
We all know the scenario (because, well, we’ve all done this before):
Boy meets Girl at annual “Stop The Violence!” community candlelight vigil and midnight kickball game. Boy is impressed enough with Girl’s spandex UnderArmor kickball outfit to sleep with her, but not impressed enough with Girl in general to do anything else with her. Girl, on the other hand, thinks Boy is the best thing since sliced bread, indoor plumbing, and Erykah Badu’s ass. Boy knows exactly how Girl feels, and also knows that sleeping with Girl will give mixed signals, but Boy does it anyway. Boy eventually cuts Girl off, and Girl takes it out on the next 17 men she dates, eventually culminating in Girl starting a NFNF (No Fidelity, No Fellatio) movement on Twitter.
Thing is, despite us being fully aware of the fact that doing this will effectively ruin this women for next 5-10 men she meets (and then effectively ruin those men for the next 5-10 women they meet, leading to more crime and less men to play pickup basketball with), we do it anyway, and why exactly we continue to do this confuses me
2. “Always About Me, All Of The Time: Why Some Women Take Every Disagreement You Might Have With Them So Damn Personally”
I’d pay 50 bucks to read a 500 word scientific study explaining exactly how and why “You know, I just don’t think The Color Purple was that good” gets turned into “I just don’t value or care about you, what you bring to the relationship, black women, black beauty, the entire Ivory Coast, the cotton gin, sickle-cell, and Michelle and Malia Obama ”
3. “Yes Homo: Why Some Straight Men Are So Against Something That Actually Increases Their Sexual Value”
From a sexual perspective, homophobia makes absolutely no sense. I mean, why wouldn’t every straight man wish that all other men were gay? Think about it: More gay men means more men in relationships with other men…which means more available women to choose from!!! Why can’t we understand that?
4. “Life Inside The Vacuum: An All-Access Look Inside The Contemporary Woman’s World of “Forget About How The World Actually Works. How I Think The World Should Work Is All That Matters”
This book would be even more helpful if chapters such as “So what if I think like a ho, act like a ho, dress like a ho, speak like a ho, and ho like a ho? Still treat me like a f*cking lady!“ and “Why every single man on the planet must believe that every single woman on the planet is extremely beautiful and completely awesome” were included
5. “Hands In The Cookie Jar: A Four-Step Guide To Understanding Why Some Women Only Date Married Men”
I’ve heard the usual rationale of the perpetual mistress (“Dating men already in relationships allows me to do my own thing without worrying about being tied down or them catching feelings. Lines are drawn, and I like lines“), but aren’t there legions of single men out there who’ll happily grant them this exact same arrangement? Can someone help me understand this? Is anyone listening to me? If a black blogger asks a rhetorical question in D. Woods, would Diddy make a sound?
6. “Yes, They Obviously Still Make Him: Why Some Grown-Ass Men Still Haven’t Learned How To Actually Date A Woman”
I didn’t think these 30 year old dating deficient dudes actually existed, but after hearing a few dating war stories from a couple of my homegirls (ie: taking 10 dollars to a dinner date at Bravo’s, sending “do you like it long or thick?” texts the night before the first date, etc, etc) I guess they do.
7. “Bubble: Understanding The Mystical Allure of The Ass“
We all know exactly how the typical black man (and woman) feels about the ass, but I’ve yet to hear a convincing argument as to exactly why it’s so intriguing and mesmerizing. Why is it so captivating, so beguiling, so dangerous? I mean, nice boobs are great to look at and play with as well, but I doubt anyone reading this has subtly stalked a stranger in a department store for 15 minutes just because you wanted to get a panoramic view of her nice knockers.
8. “No Return Policy: How To Convince Men That New P*ssy For New P*ssy’s Sake Just Aint Worth It“
Pizza is probably my favorite food, and although there are other foods I enjoy more, pizza earns this distinction because of how consistent it is and how it always leaves me satisfied. Basically, most pizzerias make good pizza, and you’ll be hard pressed to find a truly terrible pizza pie. You actually have to work hard to make a bad pizza. And while there are some truly great pizzas, the difference between “great pizza” and “good pizza” isn’t so vast that you’ll need to throw away a perfectly good slice just for the chance at possibly eating a great one.
If you haven’t figured out where I’m going with this pizza story yet, maybe you really do need to read Steve Harvey’s new book.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, can you think of any other relationship topics/titles you’d like to see in print? Also, would any of you cop any of the titles I suggested today?
—The Champ
Love this
“NFNF” *cackling* I didn’t even know Teeth Harvey had another installment of his “relationship book” coming out. Hey, can’t blame the man I guess, strike while the iron is hot…LOL
LMAO@Teeth Harvey!
I would also like to note that if they were real I would buy # 7 because I have no honest idea why my bf loves my butt. It’s not even that big.
lmao NOT teeth harvey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LMAO @ Teeth Harvey! As for the books, I would buy any book breaking down the “why” of the all the dating hullaboo, full stop.
I actually Googled “Settle, Silly Bitches” and was slightly disappointed when I found out it wasn’t a real book .
LMAO!
That seems like it would be horribly comical, even though the author’s goal would probably be to build some credibility.
“I actually Googled “Settle, Silly Bitches” and was slightly disappointed when I found out it wasn’t a real book .”
Me too… I was going to buy it for a friend… I like to get my X-mas shopping done before Thanksgiving… I spend all holiday bonus money on myself.
Anyways…
1. “The Dick-Bait and Switch: Why We (Men) Happily Waste Women’s Prime Reproductive Years”
It’s the free cheese concept… you always take the cheese on your burger if it is free.
It also explains why some brothas can’t give up pleated pants… you get all that extra material at no cost.
2. “Always About Me, All Of The Time: Why Women Take Every Disagreement You Might Have With Them So Damn Personally”
Because from the womb we are told that everything about us is special, wonderful and unique… any disagreement with this fact is met with severe scorn, because we know that it is only said out of spite. Haters.
And your inability to appreciate The Color Purple only proves that you have a penis and want to make me cry.
3. “Yes Homo: Why Some Straight Men Are So Against Something That Actually Increases Their Sexual Value”
Smart vsb’s know this intellectually… and then they start thinking about how often they imagine a woman naked or how she would be in bed and they accept that this is as the essential nature of guys…
But homosexuals are also guys and there is a logical train of thought that goes if I think this about women and I am a guy, I wonder if gay guys think…
The brain shuts down and kills any cells that might appreciate any and all said benefits.
4. “Life Inside The Vacuum: An All-Access Look Inside The Woman’s World of “Forget About How The World Actually Works. How I Think The World Should Work Is All That Matters”
This phenomenon is a result of post traumatic Brazilian waxing and va-jay-jay bedazzling… or all the stuff dude saw a ho in a strip club do that he wants in an vsb but was afraid to ask.
And yes this includes body glitter and spray tanning for our 2520 friends.
P.S Precious IS as pretty as the other girls… she needs love too.
5. “Hands In The Cookie Jar: A Four-Step Guide To Understanding Why Some Women Only Date Married Men”
There is an ancient urban legend of the dude who left his wife for the side piece after realizing that she was far superior and ended up falling madly in love…
And this chick knows someone, who knows someone, who gets her hair done by a chick whose cousin actually had this happen to her… and they have been together for 25 years.
But that just sounds too silly to articulate…
6. “Bubble: Understanding The Mystical Allure of The Ass”
If you have one… or a reasonable facsimile… you understand why membership has its benefits.
7.“No Return Policy: How To Convince Men That New P*ssy For New P*ssy’s Sake Just Aint Worth It”
True story…
I was in Orlando doing the Disney/Universal studio thing, and there was this late night infomercial warning about the dangerous lure of cheap pizza and ordering from the menus slipped under the door of your hotel room.
The announcer informed us that these pizzas may have been made in someone’s garage under less than hygienic circumstances.
Or you may receive a piece of cardboard with sauce and cheese on top… and when you call to complain find the number disconnected.
I don’t know if this is relevant to your point, but your analogy made me think of it.
And now for something completely different…
The Redlight Special Revisited: How to get your head game up and get eggs and grits the next morning.
A leadership approach for vsb’s on how to give in order to receive.
Bonus: There is a i-tunes code for a free download of the TLC joint with every order ~JS
“True story…
I was in Orlando doing the Disney/Universal studio thing, and there was this late night infomercial warning about the dangerous lure of cheap pizza and ordering from the menus slipped under the door of your hotel room.
“The announcer informed us that these pizzas may have been made in someone’s garage under less than hygienic circumstances.
Or you may receive a piece of cardboard with sauce and cheese on top… and when you call to complain find the number disconnected.
I don’t know if this is relevant to your point, but your analogy made me think of it.”
thats the thing: even horrendous tasting pizza still isn’t terrible. i mean, how badly can you possibly mess up bread, tomato sauce, and cheese? you really have to give an 110 percent effort
Again. ALL pizza is not made under hygenic circumstances. Some pizza will make you sick – or even kill you! Ask Air McNair
@Jhane Sez
lmao this whole comment made me cackle. its on par with champie’s post. utter hilarity and on point in assessments. GOOD JOB!! *clap clap*
Thanks for Googling it and saving me some time b/c I sure was about to do the same. LOL Let’s see how long it takes this to be written.
I plan to start writing it tonight!
bwahahahaha!!! @ Cab!
“I actually Googled “Settle, Silly Bitches” and was slightly disappointed when I found out it wasn’t a real book .”
it was written by former welterweight champion jake jenkins, and it was pulled from the shelves after authorities linked it to 27 murders
Was about to do the same…thanks for your trouble, homie.
It would’ve made for a GREAT stocking stuffer.
Um, can I get on the staff for book #6 please and thank you. I am a bootician and respected bootyologist in the field and would love to contribute to the bootification of the world, or at least a 10 mile radius of my house,
sure. send liz your resume and sh*t.
I just read both of those book titles in Steve Harvey’s voice and I’m pretty sure the people who live above me heard me laugh.
the people above your apartment or, ummm, the people in your head?
1. is that amanda diva in the picture?
2. i’m sad that i missed the vsb eddie dick tracy long discussion. ugh. i’ll back in the morn.
I don’t think that’s Amanda diva, I love The Spark on aolblack voices tho’..oh yeah Amanda diva was the neighbors lil sis on My Brother & Me!
#4: Wouldn’t you rather smack her upside the head with the book than read it?
#5: Aside from the whole sneaky-taboo-thrill thing, maybe it’s just easier to date married men than to pay for therapy extensive enough to fix your commitment/trust/daddy issues. Oh! And men in relationships have established value!
#6: Somebody please write this book. I want to understand.
#4: Wouldn’t you rather smack her upside the head with the book than read it?
thats, ummmm, kind of violent, do you think?
Finna say…don’t get men all domestic-violence-indicted up in here!
After being a verbal hostage in a conversation with sense-of-entitlement chicks last week (and I quote: “Girl, so what if he bought you your new boobs? That was last year! He OWES you jewelry!”), I was ready to start chucking paperbacks. But you’re right. I’ll keep working on the whole impulse-control thing.
Let me just say though…TOTALLY WITH YOU on that sentiment.
This post rawks!
It truly does. Champie put his foot in this one.
His pigeon-toed one? Or was he bow-legged? I’m senile.
No Fidelity, No Fellatio
I cried with laughter!!!!!
I sincerely cackled.
Do You Want S*x Later: 100 reasons from 100 women on why guys need to shut the f*ck up and let her win the argument.
Inception – How to Convince Him that Your Idea was Actually His
LMAO……..I knew it!
*PERISHED* @ “Inception”
Brilliance.
i am your people FTW!!!!!!
haha so im not the only geek that insists on referencing this movie weeks after seeing it
that pizza analogy is good. i wish more men would understand that
I say it to my guy friends all the time: If you want her new nickname to be Oral B, let her win the argument. 10 out of 10 you really don’t want/need to win it anyway. You can be right, or you can be happy.
DEAD! *resurrected*
It always works though.
lmao!!!…i stole that nickname by the way, f**k copyright.
We already knew about this tactic. Why do you think we start random fights. mwwwwwaaaahahahahaha
Lmao…Oral B. I gotta find a way to use that this week and THIS: “You can be right, or you can be happy.”…on a hot pink fitted tee size small please.
pls send royal blue fitted. size L to:
po box iDied952am
Toronto, ON
Not Oral B…. bwahahaha… y’all stay killing me dead!
You know ur wommins, Slim! lol
“Do You Want S*x Later: 100 reasons from 100 women on why guys need to shut the f*ck up and let her win the argument.”
the sequel could be “sleeping on the couch: how to deal with a dry wang”
Late to return, but I died at the sequel to that book.lol.
Hilarity! @ both Slim and IAYP
If Harvey called it “Too” he’d have caught it from TP fans…and people who think he might want to catch something else from TP.
1. Yeah, this is common. 40 under 40. I’d like to offer a possible reason for such action: we didn’t think about all that then, or that everyone was doing it and it’d get so widespread. This ruination is to our collective mental health what STIs are to the physical health of those afflicted.
2. “No one cares about you, so you have to care about yourself”. Or it could be that people just have certain things that set them off and don’t feel it proper to clue their (possible) SOs in on those things. Because, you know, that would be too much like right.
3. Most men don’t understand supply and demand. Come on, Champ? Econ…with non-VS black folk? Good luck with that.
4. Can I get a chapter called “Why we say one thing and mean another” or something to that end? How about “I’m texting you at midnight because I want to play Madden online”? This book could have real uses, though. You can see how far of a trip you have to take to get from particular woman’s mental state to Truth (or Consequences, New Mexico).
5. This goes back to #4, particularly the second possible chapter. Women who’d need that chapter would swear every single man is in love with them – married men too, but they don’t (think they) have to worry about the full-court press with married men. Why? As a wise man said, it’s cheaper to keep her. Stated another way: half.
6. There are a few reasons: it’s (hopefully) soft to the touch, 90% of the time you see it there’s some kind of fun to be had, we’re taught to like it via music, it’s a feature that predominantly belongs to “us”…probably a few others but I can’t think of any. Probably need a visual.
7. Whoever needs to be conviced of this should be sentenced to continuous Maury, a visit from D West, and a visit to DCJ or whoever handles child support payments. If none of those work, it’s on them.
I want to try my hand at this too. How about…
“Shined Her Shoes in my Dreams, Dated Her in Real Life” – Dame Dash, foreword by Jermaine Dupri (remix edition includes chapter by Swizz Beatz)
“Wild’N Out and Living the Fantasy” – Nick Cannon
“He Got Game: The Big Fat Greek Wedding” – Reischea Canidate’s husband
“I think I’m Big Mooch: I’m A Wrestler” – David Otunga
“How to Do Everything Under the Sun and Still End Up Lucky” – Luke
“Lights, Camera, Action: My Times Off-Camera with Fine Newswomen” – hopefully me, sooner or later
this sir, “I think I’m Big Mooch: I’m A Wrestler – David Otunga” was high-larious! thank you.
that ricki rozay(that’s what he wants to be called now, right?) is so indescribably terribly horrible….but don’t tell other ppl that cuz they think they are meech and hoover. hallelujah.
this video cracks me up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbyDua2HL90
3. Most men don’t understand supply and demand. Come on, Champ? Econ…with non-VS black folk? Good luck with that.
it’s worth the try, though. I mean, if n*ggas can figure out the difference between the triangle offense and a motion offense, they can figure out some economics
Can I get a chapter called “Why we say one thing and mean another”
yes. please and thanks. actually i want a whole book. and i want it named: why we say one thing, mean another, then act surprised when people get confused and frustated.
i dont want to quote the vsb men running game post again. lol..
Bravo! These were some good book titles!
I’m DONE with you for Big Mooch. LMAO
And the Nick Cannon book is very inspired.
“Complete 360: The logic behind why men go from hollering to dogging out a woman who politely turns them down”
i don’t know if it’d take many pages to write this, but i need to know what gives! from “hey beautiful you look like my next girlfriend” (ummm what?)to “shiii u ain’t cute no way” (umm what?). wait i don’t know how this will help a relationsip
It may not help a relationship. But I could haved used this book in my early 20s and I’m still curious.
“Complete 360: The logic behind why men go from hollering to dogging out a woman who politely turns them down”
wait, shouldn’t that be a 180 instead of 360? anyway, this is a book i’d actually buy, and it probably should be written by (cavs owner) dan gilbert
“wait, shouldn’t that be a 180 instead of 360?”
LOL, yup.
this sounds similar to the posts about what women need to ask. Remember, the question about mental health?
Y’all N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t – How to Join the BW/WM Interracial Marriage Movement
If Jesus Can Walk on Water You Can Walk on Eggshells: Don’t Say Anything Stupid Around Your Girlfriend
How to Read Her Mind and Other Valuable Skills, by Miss Cleo and Dionne Warwick
A Guide To Groupie, Side Chick or Jumpoff Despite Running Your Mouth to WSHH and Being Marginally Attractive, by Kat Stacks
Lmao at all your book titles, but sadly #1 isn’t too far from being published…
I’m surprised “Ya’ll N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t” isn’t already on some woman’s to do list. I give it six months before this one is snatched up.
“Y’all N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t” – LOLOLOL
I LOVE all of these!!!! Start writing now!! If not you somebody. Bwahahaha
Y’all N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t – How to Join the BW/WM Interracial Marriage Movement
lol, i think there’s already a publishing deal in the works for this one
LOL! I’d buy the first three if only to place on coffee/end tables as conversation pieces.
While I’m sure the author couldn’t verbalize quite as eloquently as I Am Your People, Y’all N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t could be equated to the following REAL titles:
1. Don’t Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions that Keep Black Women From Dating Out
2. Black Women: Interracial and Intercultural Marriage [Book 1] First and Foremost
3. CHOICES: Black Women Interracial and Intercultural Marriage [Book 2] Your Life Depends on Your Choices
@I Am Your People
LOL yall are bringin it with the book titles/ideas today!!! im lovin it!! i really hope there are writers/aspiring-writers out there ready to get pen to paper and crank out these publications.
i have a whole bookshelf dedicated to books i wanna read but probably wont read until im hospitalized simply due to guilt of being a science grad student pretending to read journal articles.
“Y’all N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t – How to Join the BW/WM Interracial Marriage Movement”
*DEAD*
Foreward by Whoopi Goldberg, subtitled, “Yes, I dated a white guy in Blackface, but n*ggaz have yet to prove that they are any kind of sh*t”
DIED at “If Jesus could walk on water, you can walk in eggshells…”
Co-sign. That was classic.
**If Jesus Can Walk on Water You Can Walk on Eggshells**
T shirt please!!!! Grey with purple letters thanks!!
I’m still LOLing @ “If Jesus Can Walk on Water You Can Walk on Eggshells.” I think I might make it my FB status for ghits and siggles!
I really just give up on men. When you are hurt twice in a row, it becomes easy to just make a game out of it and allow it to kick rocks. I’m wasting no more money on relationship books (I’ve bought ONE so far) and time on guys. Every one that I’ve met is no good.
Maybe things will change….I’m only 21.
Hey CiCi, sorry it hasn’t been going so well lately. It will get better, and chances are, it will get worse. To be honest, the larger majority of us (men and women) have had bad experiences and just by the law of averages, a good few of us have had them back to back…and even back again. The best advice I have (not that you asked) is to take time to work on yourself just to be sure that when the better experience comes along, you are in a place where you can fully appreciate it and be ready for it. That way, if it all goes bad, you can shake it off and move on to the next knowing that you gave it your best shot. Wishing you luck!
This comment made me click on saule wright’s name just to see what he’s about.
Did I pass?
LOL, it wasn’t pass/fail. You got a 92.
hopefully that’s out of 91.
@CiCi
Thicker skin…..trust me!
Awww CiCi, Saule is spot on. Continue to learn, grow, & experience life. As you continue to work on you, you will undoubtedly attract someone that will be good to you in return. We’ve all have crazy no good relationship stories. Some of us have even lived to tell the tale. Enjoy your young 20s. You can’t get those years back.
Enjoy your young 20s. You can’t get those years back.
This!!
I’m in the same boat with you CiCi, only I’m a year younger and I’ll tell you what works for me.
I cultivate myself. I do things that I like to do for the sake of doing them for me, not to meet anybody and not to please anybody but myself. The more you discover you and what you truly like and enjoy, the less time you spend worrying about someone coming into your life and if and when they do come, you’ll be ready.
Also keep in mind that just because other people are in relationships doesn’t mean the relationships nourish them or are in any way good for them. The grass isn’t always greener; most times it’s a lot of ugly yellow patches in that motherf*cker.
You guys are great. I feel a little better
And I would give Saule a 120% lol
Y’all N*ggaz Ain’t Sh*t – How to Join the BW/WM Interracial Marriage Movement
*DEAD*
I died too!
Only because that title is so close to the tone of a few of the BW/WM blogs that I’ve ran across lately.
Aint that the truth. There is a book about a black womans guide to dating a white man, (i think thats the title) its full of shyt and the some.
Those blogs are incredibly full of bitter women who have vast amounts of daddy/rejection issues.
@ thebeauty… co-sign and amen
Oh my word. There are actual blogs dedicated to the BW/WM movement (if there is such a thing)?? I’m done.
Oh yes girl…just google. You will be suprised at some of the mess that is being spewed on them blog. Absolute hilarity.
Every man except a WM ain’t isht!!!!
Another hilarious post. I especially like numbers 1 and 7.
welcome and sh*t
I saw that book (“Why Men Prefer Bitches”) in Borders and shook my head. So because I’m a naturally nice girl I get what? A pat on the head and an in for the car pool? No bueno.
More true sh*t. What kills me is that nine times out of ten, dude doesn’t even like the new p*ssy chick. Tsk tsk tsk…
1) True sh*t. I didn’t realize I was socioromantically stunted until one of my friends pointed out that none of my relationships ever pass infancy ever since this one guy in high school. Damn shame.
2) Some women have this irrational idea that if you don’t have every thing in common down to the dog named Skippy who barked between the hours of 3 am and 10 am on weekdays during childhood that you’re relationship is not going to work out. That and some take what you say to be what you mean and instead of asking for clarification, they assume things. And to remedy that, they fight with you. I’d suppose it’s our version of The Dick Bait and Switch. I’ll call it “What Do You Mean I Look Good Today? You Sayin I Don’t Look Good Everyday?”
3) Yes, Homo indeed. I completely agree. Men comfortable with themselves and who know they can’t be tempted by the penis need not fear gay men.
4) I’m a lady and I can’t even figure that one out.
5) That to me is an excuse to A) Get that a*s whooped. B) Keeping standards low so that if a high standard single man comes by you can easily nix him with warped realities to keep yourself from being disappointed or C) Lose your self-worth in a man who doesn’t value you enough to be with only you. okay and D) all the above. That lines bullsh*ts for the birds. Chris Brown.
6) I just can’t.
7) As a top-heavy chick I must agree. These things nourish children and deliver milk. The only thing an a*s delievers…well it’s chocolate colored. I don’t see the appeal.
“More true sh*t. What kills me is that nine times out of ten, dude doesn’t even like the new p*ssy chick. Tsk tsk tsk…”
Okay?? This baffles me. You love your woman but yet you cheat with a girl you don’t even like…sometimes not even above the neck. I don’t understand this at all. This girl doesn’t even realize she just a side piece either. It’s really sad.
“…sometimes not even above the neck.”
Okay! Cheatin’ with a duck just for quacking sake…
@SFG
Who are we kidding? Sometimes not even above the waist.
@JusCallMe Tes
“As a top-heavy chick I must agree. These things nourish children and deliver milk.”
This statement is a gross violation of VSB rules.
As a female built like Wendy Racquel Robinson (Tasha Mack for my Game lovers), I object about the a$$. As an admirer of women (not gay, just know a good looking woman when I see her), I can testify to the booty magic.
Booty magic is not the same as boob magic. See, you can spot a nice booty a mile away. It’s attached to a person, but you can kind of separate the booty from the person. It is its own entity. If the booty belongs to a dime chick, that’s a plus. If not, it kind of blows, but the booty is still magnificent all on its own.
Now, boobs can be nice, but they are too close to the face and can’t be a seperate entity like the booty can. If said grade-A New York boobs (Chappelle baby!) belong to a buttaface…that really sucks because in order to enjoy everything boobs, you HAVE to look at the face. It’s hard to get away with just staring at someone’s boobs…plus it seems rude. Not so with the booty. You can admire, watch, fantasize, etc about the booty and not ever have to worry about someone calling you on it unless you make it completely obvious.
That’s just my take on the booty as a VSS…granted I’m not a dude so I don’t know. OMG…did I just do a booty vs boob analysis? I need a hobby and fast. HA!
As a VSB, I concur with all your points….the fact that you’re a woman just makes it all the more interesting and amusing…lol
But this…”As a female built like Wendy Racquel Robinson (Tasha Mack for my Game lovers)”…is another violation of VSB rules…
My dude says I’m a closet lesbian. LOL, I assure him I’m not. NTTAWWT…just saying.
And, I grew up around dudes and they were pretty hilarious in their accounts of all things female so I have insight. No one Black guy I’ve known even cares about the boobs…but the booty? A girl can have wrong stamped all across her unibrow, but he’ll hit anyway cuz he seperates the booty from the face. Tragic, but true.
And how am I in violation dude? Killing me….
I am dead weak at your booty breakdown. But it’s all true.
I, too, can admire a nice booty
As a VSS admirer of all things female, I approve this logic.
@Sula
Were you able to check on that?
Check on the logic of why a good booty is appealing?
Ok, on a more serious note. Yes I checked and yes it’s a go.
So you better keep me posted!!
And now I understand the phenom and am less upset on the whole
lol Thank you so much
are all violations gross? would a lesser violation just be smelly?
inquiring minds need to know.
pls and tanks.
lmao @ NFNF- Hilarious!!!!
#5- I just hate those type of women!!! I am single but when I do get married if I have a scalawag swarming around I am going to swat at her behind.
#6 Yep so true. I just had a co-worker try to hang out with me. I had a funny feeling about it but I said “hmm, I’ll give it a try” It took awhile before we were able to schedule a “date” This is the conversation.
Him: When are we going to hang out?
Me: I am off Monday.
Him: I am off Monday to. You want to hang out then?
Me: Cool.
Him: Yeah that’ll work because my girl doesn’t know I’m off.
Me: Whoa!!! STOP!! PUMP BRAKES!! SORRY DUDE
Really? lol
It’s damn near 3 in the morning. My mind dead so I can’t come up with any book titles. Maybe tomorrow.
Deuces
“It’s damn near 3 in the morning. My mind dead so I can’t come up with any book titles”
sh*t, this sounds like a book title right there
LMAO @ him just being straightforward that he has a girl. Except he ain’t so straightforward with his girl. Hmm. Cancels it out, then.
OMG #3 actually makes perfect sense! I would assume the same would apply for women, yes? Lesbian, you may proceed. LOL Had me rollin’…
1. Why Men Continue To Be Rational When They Know Damn Well How Appealing Fantasy Is To Women
1. Why Men Continue To Be Rational When They Know Damn Well How Appealing Fantasy Is To Women
or, better yet “life, and why women don’t understand how this works”
LOL@this whole entire post
hmm maybe bc of Steve Harvey’s past relationships failures he could give advice on what Not to do, his book was just freakin’ common sense & Self esteem! as Kat Williams would say it’s Yo Mutthhatruckin SELF esteem, how you feel bout Yo Self how can somebody else ruin’ it
hmm titles…..
–” Yall Niggas is GAY”, foreward by Riley aka Young Reezy Freeman & Terry McMillian and Star Jones exMen
—How to be a vh1/bravo Goldiggin, attention hoe or baby mama and strech your 15min of fame to an hour (Thanks to Kanye’s workout plan, I gots me a man, brought to you by The Whoreda$$hians & Basketball/House Groupies/Jumpoffs & witves
–”Love$Train” by Kat $tacks & Superhead author of (S.T.D. “sucking the D#$K)
Yall Niggas is GAY”, foreward by Riley aka Young Reezy Freeman
LMAO!!!!!
Speaking of gay (bad joke). I was up late last night reading up on child molestation and you were right. There are diff types of molestation some are power/sexual charged, some are just sexual, some are reenactment of experienced abuse but most are power/dominance at 48% of reported cases by hetereosexual males to females. I didn’t find much on homosexual pedophiles. Just wanted you to know I was wrong. lol
aww.. President to Vice President hug.
honestly, i think it’s just hard to imagine that a man who molests lil boys ISNT gay. we (humans) need things to make sense of horrific non-sensical things.
can we just pass a motion that they all lose their penii and be done?
I was one who commented on how you could be straight and enact gay molestation…and I already knew that. LOL
You researching it is actually hilarious to me. Not in a bad way, just in a “she really looked it up” type way. I probably would have looked it up too, just never said anything about it. HA!
Call me a knowledge seeker. lol That’s just me. If I don’t know something, I like to read up on it. Like Keisha said, I like to make sense of non-sensical thangs.
I was one of the ones who commented on how a man could be straight and enact gay molestation…and I already knew that. LOL
You researching it is actually hilarious to me. Not in a bad way, just in a “she really looked it up” type way. I probably would have looked it up too, just never said anything about it. HA!
lmao @ –” Yall Niggas is GAY”, foreward by Riley aka Young Reezy Freeman & Terry McMillian and Star Jones exMen
while the book title is hilarious in its own right, any woman who needs a “how to tell if he’s gay when the back of his panties (yes, panties) reads ‘insert here’ but you’re still unsure” has other issues besides dating.
Girl, speaking of which, Terry McMillan and her gay ex are gonna be on Oprah again today. WHY????? Everyone BUT her knew this nig was gay and she STAY mad about it. SMH
When he showed up with eyebrows more fierce than hers, with his body baby oil glistening 24/7….that should have been her first clue.
Can’t stand her…she has no reason to be mad at anyone but her-damn-self. Here’s a book title for her:
How Stella Lost Her Groove (and her mind): When an “obviously” gay man half your age marries you solely for the green card
How Stella Lost Her Groove (and her mind): When an “obviously” gay man half your age marries you solely for the green card
I’se dead over and over… and one more time for good measure.
I”How Stella LOST her Groove,…and her mind” LMBO
can they cast this movie asap LOL!
don’t understand how she didn’t know he was gay, like are you that desperate for a man, you’ll ignore your instincts and tooo muchpretty boy swag stuff goin’ on..going on Oprah again?!?!
well she loves the gays (Tyler Perry & Nate B.) but what’s this gonna prove???/
Terry McMillan and her gay ex are gonna be on Oprah again today .
OMG I saw the previews for that last night. I literally screamed WHHHHYYYYYY (mind you, I’ve probably never seen an entire Oprah show ever). T-Mac was on there making her crazy faces, rolling her eyes and neck. Just looking foolish. Again. LMAO
I agree, it’s pretty much digging up that horse to beat it again…but I think she has another book coming out, so maybe she wants the exposure. *owno shrug*
The PS3 or Me?? 30 Reasons Why She Really Should Drop Your Sorry A$$
The Rosetta Boulder: Deciphering What She Says Into What She Actually Means (Audiobook form)
Misery…Table for Two: Why Some Girlfriends Won’t Let Your Relationship Be Great
I got one!
It’s my dawg birthday!: The guid to dating a black man in a bromance.
The PS3 or Me?? 30 Reasons Why She Really Should Drop Your Sorry A$$
LOL
“Misery…Table for Two: Why Some Girlfriends Won’t Let Your Relationship Be Great”
LOL I love this! aka the “Girl Leave Him” friend. I dunno about PS3 though cause Rainbow Six is da ish. I might let that slide but once you beat the game you betta be focused on me. lol j/k
“Misery…Table for Two: Why Some Girlfriends Won’t Let Your Relationship Be Great”
Is this written by Tyrese?
#ZING!
The PS3 or Me?? 30 Reasons Why She Really Should Drop Your Sorry A$$
Bwahahaha! Classic….
I have a standing date with Best Buy tonight… FIFA 2011 is released today… *smh* Lol.
The PS3 or Me?? 30 Reasons Why She Really Should Drop Your Sorry A$$
lol similar to what I propose … Relationship Maintenance: Why His/Her Supply is Now Under Someone Else’s Demand
Diddy-Pop: How to dance your way into a Women’s Heart.
Wall to Wall: Understanding Why Your Man Never Replies To Your FB Comments.
Coffee Table Books:
Anyway Doe: How To Make Money Off Of Moronic Rappers by Katt Stacks
Hit Me: When No Actually Means Yes! by Bishop Eddie Long
Introduction to Statistics: Principles and Practice by Lyfe Jennings
YUUUUUUP: How Trick Women into Digging Your Corny Lines By Trey Songz
5-Head Confessions by Rihanna, Ne-Yo, Christinia Ricci, Brandy, and Tyra Banks.
“Wall to Wall: Understanding Why Your Man Never Replies To Your FB Comments.”
With the sequel “It’s Complicated for YOU but Simple for Him: Facebook Relationships That Don’t Exist.”
With the sequel “It’s Complicated for YOU but Simple for Him: Facebook Relationships That Don’t Exist.”
praise gawd. this should be written ASAP.
why are you in a complicated relationship if he’s single ……
**cue crickets and blank stares**
LMAO oh luvbug you’re a riot
Lmao your books are the truth.
A Guide To Recognizing Your Hoes by Tiger Woods
Sisterhood of the Traveling Hasbeens by Ciara and Kelly Rowland. Foward Written by Amerie.
“A Guide To Recognizing Your Hoes by Tiger Woods”
-Dead.. like seriously dead-
Thanks to you I spilled coffee on my gym clothes lol! But this actually sounds like something I would read lmao.
“A Guide To Recognizing Your Hoes by Tiger Woods.”
This could really be a book. See, Tiger’s mistake wasn’t that he was touring the country carving himself generous slices of ass. I think we as a public expect this out of every athlete/rapper/politician.
His fatal flaw was that he actually tried to CUFF 20-some different women. Like, make them actual girlfriends & s***t.
Am I the only the only one still confused by that?
seriously!!! more like “claws” coming out
okay i just died. lmbooo. these books are truth.com
“Anyway Doe: How To Make Money Off Of Moronic Rappers by Katt Stacks”
^ kilted. i JUST saw that kat stacks/soulja boy video yesterday courtesy of my little sister, and all she kept saying was anywaydoe. lmbo. i can’t.
BACK OFF OF US CHROME DOMES! YOU DON’T WANT IT WITH US MS. FIASCO!!!!
-A skull endowed VSB’s whose extra forehead space holds both knowledge and the uncanny ability to head but you squarely into 2011 if you keep it up
BACK OFF OF US CHROME DOMES! YOU DON’T WANT IT WITH US MS. FIASCO!!!!
-A skull endowed VSB whose extra forehead space holds both knowledge and the uncanny ability to head but you squarely into 2011 if you keep it up
I’m dead at this:
“Wall to Wall: Understanding Why Your Man Never Replies To Your FB Comments.”
I try to explain this to my girls every day. Just text him.
Love these but would like to change the author of “Hit Me: When No Actually Means Yes!” to Juanita bynams husband or chris brown lol
I have a publisher waiting, can I get your contact info please. lol. Brilliant! (c) Guinness.
these are some great books. if great books were cholesterol, this list would be the waffle house
You made me laugh and cover my mouth at work…The last two titles were the icing on the cake!
LMAO @ “Anyway Doe…”
the use of doe by katt stacks and 50 tyson kill me EVERY TIME!!!
Books that need to be published are:
“I Can Change Him: One More Way Women Lose”
“She’d GO there with me: Things Arrogant Dudes Think About All Women That Aren’t True”
“I Don’t Have A Man And I Blog: Only Qualities I Need to Become An Internet Relationship Expert”
“Black Twitter: The Place To Not Go Find A Boo”
I’ll be back with more.
Omgosh
“Black Twitter: The Place To Not Go Find A Boo”
#BrownTwitterBird does not approve.
@maximillian
I. Love. Your. Username.
carry on.
LMAO! D@mn Luvvie, you’re such a thug…and thugs be droppin that knowledge! Put me down for 6 copies of “I Can Change Him: One More Way Women Lose” I’m trying to save lives here.
Lol @ “I Don’t Have A Man And I Blog: Only Qualities I Need to Become An Internet Relationship Expert”
I’m thinking of starting a blog and this along with being a VSS are pretty much my qualifications.
“I Can Change Him: One More Way Women Lose”
is one of the chapters “He cheated with me. Why I’m convinced he wont cheat on me”?
““I Can Change Him: One More Way Women Lose””
YES! Look lady, you ain’t prayer nor Obama…you can’t be changing a dayum thing. And if you needed to change him, you didn’t want HIM.
Damn. This was hysterical.
Love,
Toke
long time no type and sh*t.
…For all the females that are clueless about sports (Not me! GO TITANS!!)
“Baby, What’s A Blitz?? That And 50 Other Sports-Related Questions You Can Ask Your Man (And Surprise Them By Knowing The Answers).”
..And
“If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em: Madden 101 And How To Successfully Play The Game.”
i’d both of those and be the sh*t. lol
i know a lot of sports terms… but aside from the obvious ones, i can only tell you a vague generalization of when and how they’d be used.
“Baby, What’s A Blitz?? That And 50 Other Sports-Related Questions You Can Ask Your Man (And Surprise Them By Knowing The Answers).”
FTMFW!!!!!
Pls note that if you date Young Dasher..he will not approve this purchase. you shall watch the game in silence or be banished forever. until summer at least.
#noshotsfired. it’s alllllllll love!!
I’d buy both of these! I realized I had a problem when my 7-year-old cousin was schooling me on the fundamentals of football.
I’m not sure where women are getting the idea that they need to know sports, but it needs to stop. Men do not want you to know sports, in fact, the opposite is true. I don’t want to hear about some bench player you think is cute. I don’t want to have to censor myself while the game is on.
Most men know that your interest in sports is usually subterfuge to “spend more time.” Give it up.
@alvin..(no chipmunks)
in one word: no.
in more words though:
please see exhibits A-L via previous vsb post below.
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/5-reasons-why-the-nba-is-better-than-the-nfl/
i’d also like to call to the witness stand Gem (aka Truly Outrageous) and Ms Esquires current members of the NAFTA NFL Pool as run by yours truly.
girl please. i couldnt care less about a dude who thinks my love of sports has anything to do with attracting/keeping a man.
because if “doing things that peek a man’s interest in you” was at the top of my “to do list” then my mastery of culinary arts would be what i focused on more. and since i dont have a black belt in jiu jistu’ing the hell outta all recipes that bring the men to my kitchen, @Alvin (no simon and theodore) can saddown somewhere.
*goes back to re-assigning states to regions while considering pro and college football team rivalries as a significant factor in these categorizations*
@gem (aka T.O.)
you just said.. chile please. bwahahahahaha. oh ochocinco….
and um.. is that a study you are doing for school? sounds interesting! would love to read. no really. i would!
LOL @ chile please.
its funny you call me “TO” when im channeling the ocho. the irony in it all lol
“you just said.. chile please. bwahahahahaha. oh ochocinco….”
LOL I did some SERIOUS o_O-ing when I heard him say that on his show. I’m like, “….ok.”
ah true. irony indeed…
im still confused why TO is Batman and Ocho is Robin even though its Ocho’s team.
*kanyeshrug
@cheeks
the one piece of his reality show that i caught this ninja was getting a mani/pedi talmbout some “chile please” i was like (-_O) ummmmm what???? chile, chile please!!!!! shakin my damn head!! (yes, it was so crucially conflicting to my spirit that i had to type SMDH out!)
@kb
yeah, they are morons. oxy-morons, if you will.
If you independently like sports, that’s fine. I wasn’t addressing you.
If you had more precisely read what I wrote, you would notice that implication. (Although, it comes as no surprise that a person who refers to theirself as TO wouldn’t be able to catch on.) I was referring to women who feel that they “need to know sports.”
I often meet women who think that learning sports is a way to get closer to a man. The answer is no. I don’t like to explain everything that happens as it happens, it gets distracting.
ummm.
alvin.
I call Gem TO because of Jem and the Holograms cartoon..truly outrageous.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9MqmKXH-sA
but..um.. good try there my friend.
oh and ps:
many blogs, dudes say a way to his heart is to pick up on something that he likes..sports is one of them. soo….some follow the advice. or try to. obviously to your disgust. whatevs.
(Channeling Ice Cube) We got a problem here? We got a problem here?
(Looks around) Alright, everything seems cool. Almost looked like something, but the superhero(in)es have got it.
From personal experience I think a cursory knowledge of the game would serve me simply because I don’t know the difference between an incomplete pass and pass interference as evidenced by the conversation with my 7-year-old cousin. When I’m with friends or family or boo’d up for hours watching “the game” it would be far more enjoyable if I had a clue what’s going on and “Baby, What’s A Blitz?? That And 50 Other Sports-Related Questions You Can Ask Your Man (And Surprise Them By Knowing The Answers)” seems like it would speak my language.
As far as Madden 101 I like to pick up the controllers from time-to-time so learning football and how to play the video game isn’t that big of a stretch. An ex and I used to have a great time playing UFC but basically all I had to do was learn to block and push any other combination of buttons and I was good.
Atypical Librarian
i think at the end of the day.. it all depends on the dude. Alvin doesnt want a knowledgeable chick. cool. I automatically take my name out of the running towards becoming America’s next top model.
I know that what kind of fan I am, so i try to find someone who is just as willing/able to watch the game (loudly..but not obnoxiously) with me. And as knowledgeable as I am..I still dont know everything.
like: why the Detroit Lions got robbed of a TD in week 1.
i recommend joining le twitter (if you aren’t already on there) and following some sporty folks. it def enhances the football experience.
haha yeah any dude that doesnt wanna be with me because i know more football than any dame should (in his opinion) can get a “CHILE PLEASE!” while i chuck up the deuces and find a bar that has wings AND games other than the stillers (pghers and their stillers *smh*)
exactly.
#ontothenextone.
and when (note the when and not if) you come visit the tdot..we’ll visit the gi-normous sport bar that hosted the NFL summit at. quite awesome. so much so in fact, voted best sports bar in North American by ESPN!
ps: im down for well kept head, shoulders, knees and toes..but a mani/pedi???
I totally feel you on the obnoxiousness, obnoxious sports fans rank up there with annoying spades players in my book. I might have to take you up on the twitter thing especially since the Detroit Lions reference just went over my head.
No Wedding No Womb has been mentioned here several times lately.
It’s kinda basic.
Do educated VSSs really need to be reminded of this? If she can finish a dissertation, she can probably figure out a condom.
The target audience might be less sophisticated, lower income minority women and girls who raw dawg regularly / upon request and who use abortion as birth control, but are they literate enough to become empowered by black blogger movement? Can online articles instill values that sex ed and urban free condom programs and church and family never taught them?
this is a great question for another day (maybe tomorrow)
That’d be an interesting discussion, Champ.
I’m glad I haven’t missed it yet. (Was afraid you all had discussed NWNW last week on a day when I wasn’t paying attention.)
You took the words out my mouth! With no call-to-action her logic is flawed and nothing more than a silly Cosby tirade.
NWNW would fit in perfectly at the State of the Black Folk Foolery Convention. A whole bunch a knee-grows talking a whole lotta nothing.
@ableC
this. post. wins.
*hands up and they stay there.
Wow @ableC that’s pretty deep. And a really good question btw.
Humans, your mating rituals are so bizarre I am surprised your species has managed to survive for so long.
in the end, nobody likes a cold bed.
NFNF is becoming an actual organization right now.
1. Mommy, Why is Daddy’s Wife Prettier than You? How to explain to your children you were the side piece.
2. How to Hate the Happy, Married B**ch: Why she’s winning and you ain’t.
3. No, Not in that Hole: 25 ways to expand your sexual horizons without going there.
#1? TERRIBLE!!!!!! **DEAD**
BWAHAHAHA @ 3.
I’m thinking of turning all three of these into gospel plays.
I hear Clifton Powell and Cheryl “Pepsi” Riley are available right now…
@DG
Actually I was going to ask Millie Jackson to star in all three.
Props for envisioning Millie Jackson in the roles, but Millie might let some words slip out if it’s a gospel play….Still do it, though!
Considering one of the books has the words “not in that hole” in the title I’m not worried about Millie.
Btw, if Wendy Williams was 20 yrs older and a woman she would be Millie Jackson.
^Dammit, You made me laugh out loud!
————————–dead———————-
I literally struggled to not spit my coffee out at #1. ok now that I can breathe again….bwahahahahahaha. Oh gosh! That’s the funniest ish I read all morning.
Mommy, Why is Daddy’s Wife Prettier than You? How to explain to your children you were the side piece.
This just made my whole day.
Number 1 is TOO wrong. lmao
#2 is hilarious. I stay winning!
Reason #511 why I look for Wu’s comments. LMBO
dead and gone at ” sending “do you like it long or thick?” texts the night before the first date, etc, etc”.
As for women who date marrie men- it’s about the trade off…woman gives her time and chex, and the men pay for it and is secure that the woman will want nothing more than financial trade off.
As for women who date marrie men- it’s about the trade off…woman gives her time and chex, and the men pay for it and is secure that the woman will want nothing more than financial trade off.
yea, but aren’t their single men willing to do this as well?
the thing with single men is, they can offer that arrangement too, but eventually the women will end up wanting more- see, it is all about having lines drawn, but i think the ladies are confused when they say the lines are for the men- they don’t think they’re going to get what they want and a commitment because a)they suffer from allmenaredogs-syndrome b)they have self-love issues and deep down don’t think they deserve it c) a combination of the two – so they roll with married men to ensure that they THEMSELVES don’t cross the line, and want more
my 1 1/2 cents…i’m a vss
Nice Post champ. I can’t wait to read the explanations. Should be hilarious
NFNF – HILARIOUS!!!!
For the fellas:
1.) No More Cheddar Biscuits: A Manual on how not to be Capt. Save-A-H*e
For the ladies:
3.) B*tch, Get Outta Dem Bushes: 10 Signs You’re a Stalker and the relationship is no longer worth the effort
4.) Lesson Learned from Luna – Knowing which friends to take relationship advice from.
“B*tch, Get Outta Dem Bushes” – LMBAO!!!!
#3…….HILARIOUS!!!! still lol!
ROFLMMFAO @ “Bitch, You Listening?“ LOLOLOL
This may be my fave VSB post yet – youz a cleva mofo, Champ!
“midnight kickball” – LOL
my book: “Girl PLEEZE, Dat MF Don’t Love You!!: A Black Woman’s Guide to Moving On From Bogus Relationships”… or something like that
The forward for “Girl PLEEZE’ will be written by Fantasia’s aunt. LOL
Did anyone else see her aunt’s reaction when Fantasia said she met a man at the grocery store…a separated man…but he ain’t my boyfriend…just a friend? Her aunts reaction was PRICELESS!!! I hollered when I saw that clip.
I’m behind on “since ‘Tasia won da Idol”‘s show, but I look forward to that moment – LOL
What about a chapters called :
“The new relationship begins with a midnight Text”
“Married men + Scandolous Women = someone to feel her pain on the inside”
Why he still wants to be with you even though he won’t committ.
A women’s guide to understanding why a man get upset and will not want you to be with someone else even though he has stated he doesn’t want to committ.
PLEASE explain this! Is it ego or possessiveness? What gives?
Hmmm, some of the titles are funny. Still not really happy with how freely the bitches and hoes slide off of people’s keyboard.
me neither. we should do something about this
LOL. we should.
or just not trip about something obviously said in jest.
@Be On It
“Still not really happy with how freely the bitches and hoes slide off of people’s keyboard”
I swear I was thinking the same thing. I’m not a goody-two-shoes, but ummm…. o_O
“Still not really happy with how freely the bitches and hoes slide off of people’s keyboard.”
How about if you use them all willy nilly? For men, objects, places, etc? Because that’s what I does.
Ex. That dude over there is a nasty ho. He needs to be hit over the head with this ho-a*s hammer and stop entering everything that moves. In fact, I’m gonna go buy one. I’m out this ho.
:-/
@Cheekie
“I’m out this ho”
This takes me back home to Louisiana!! Now I’m thinking about one of the lines in a bounce song that’s says:
“Who Run This B**ch??!!…Who Run This B**ch??!!”
@Cheekie
Serious Note:
I was referring to it being used to identify/speak to women. #thatisall
LOL, yeah I know. And it’s a valid concern. Just doing what I does and being foolish.
“Ex. That dude over there is a nasty ho. He needs to be hit over the head with this ho-a*s hammer and stop entering everything that moves. In fact, I’m gonna go buy one. I’m out this ho.”
LMAO ~JS
b*tch is the new black. thought you knew? b*tches be takin things so seriously these days.
^^pls recognize i am joking. kinda…^^
but seriously, when taken in context, i dont see anything wrong with Champ’s usage. esp as a play on the actual book written called “why men love b*tches”.
im not even offended when ppl’s use of the term “b*tch” to describe a woman 9or man) with a bad/mean/RUDE attitude. if the shoe fits…. same with the word ho/heux. it can def apply to both genders and accurately describe whats goin on–ho’ing.
now, substituting the word “b*tch” (or “female for that matter) for “woman” is a problem. but everyone’s entitled to what ruffles their feathers. i just choose my battles differently, i suppose.
Great post. Laying in bed, I can think of a few titles:
1. “Don’t Seek and You Really Won’t Find”: The Mystery behind snooping Females
Looking through his phone searching for something you don’t want to find but will find anyway because your dumb@ss went fishing for it but you want to go and get mad at your discoveries. You’ve been warned
2. It really was that good. So may I have 2nds….3rds….15ths….?: Old goods holding value
Speaks for itself lol
Yes Baby Uh Huh Hmmmm Interesting: How To Pretend You Are Listening Her Whine
One Cheek At A Time: Winning His Heart With Dance
So You’re Aesthetically Challenged? How To Overcome That And Get The Man of Your Dreams by Tiny
Why I Have No Promblem With No Wedding No Womb by Mr. Hit It and Quit
The Idiots Guide To Shone Management written by BallGreezy
So You’re Aesthetically Challenged? How To Overcome That And Get The Man of Your Dreams by Tiny
LLS “no matter how much of their sh*t you have to endure”
“One Cheek At A Time: Winning His Heart With Dance”
With Forward by me, of course. #feelinmyself
Points for bringing BallGreezy and ‘shone’ into the game.
TIIIINY!! LOLOLOL, that mug!!!
Champ, you a Borders guy? *high-five* Panama, you bet not tell me you effs with Barnes & Noble.
“NFNF (No Fidelity, No Fellatio) movement on Twitter.”
*DEAD*
“…and Michelle and Malia Obama ””
Well, Sasha is the sassier and more fun one…
“More gay men means more men in relationships with other men…which means more available women to choose from!!! Why can’t we understand that?”
Because more women to choose from doesn’t trump your delusion that every gay man wants you and will eventually attack you. Basically, your worst nightmare is that big football player dude feeling on your nipples like he did Malik on The Game while J. Holliday croons “Bed” in the background.
“You actually have to work hard to make a bad pizza.”
Lil’ Caesar’s staff must be sweating like a ho in chuuch making their pizzas then. Their pizza taste like nitrates and migraines.
Not only do all these books need to be written, I’mma need a countrywide panel-tour to go along with it.
To me Pizza Hut sucks……
Lil C is awight
Ledo’s is awight
Three brothas is awight
My fav’s as of now are Pizza Boli’s (Eastern Market Location), NY Pizza by Potomac Ave, Jumbo Slice in AM, and now closed but was the sh*t, Santa Lucia on the pike, tasty delicious authentic Italian beats em all. LOL
you.just.killed.me with “Lil’ Caesar’s staff must be sweating like a ho in chuuch making their pizzas then. Their pizza taste like nitrates and migraines.”
“No, That’s Not a C-Section Scar, I Was In A Gang Fight: Reconciling Her Past as a Crip”
“Bottom-B****: How your foolish loyalty and astonishing mouth game ruined you and your pimps relationship.”
You are on a roll today!
I would probably read all of these but these would be purchased without my borders coupon in hardback:
1. “The Dick-Bait and Switch: Why We (Men) Happily Waste Women’s Prime Reproductive Years Even Though We Know It Will Eventually Bite Us In The Ass”
I don’t get it. Vicious cycle
6. “Yes, They Obviously Still Make Him: Why Some Grown-Ass Men Still Haven’t Learned How To Actually Date A Woman”
Yes there are many of these among us
7. “Bubble: Understanding The Mystical Allure of The Ass“
Yeah I don’t get it. I mean I’ve been hypnotized before. No homo!
8. “No Return Policy: How To Convince Men That New P*ssy For New P*ssy’s Sake Just Aint Worth It“
If men would learn this I could believe in monogamy and marriage again.
Lol at “If a black blogger asks a rhetorical question in D. Woods, would Diddy make a sound?”
I’ll be back to add my own…
okay so basically that whole first paragraph is the reason i’m laughing loud as all heck way too early in the morning. you did not say “B*tch, you listening?” LMBOO.
number 2 is so friggin true. lol. although i like to think i’ve curbed my crazy since then, i had a friend who didn’t want to share his salad with me once, and my response was something along the “you saying you think i’m so fat i shouldn’t be eating spinach leaves?” line. lol. i was serious too.
the pizza analogy is genius. that’s exactly how men SHOULD think (make sure that section appears in the How I Think The World Should Work book).
somebody i know needs to read numero uno pronto. lol.
a lot of women who date married men think that somehow proves their superiority to his wife for their ability to have him midnight/lunchtime creeping and spending money… when they’re really just a different slice of pizza.
i don’t think men are that complicated for someone to need a book to understand them. maybe a 4 page pamphlet. but men continue writing these books and stretching out the same five sentences over 300 pages because we women, well… we give men too much credit and assume they’re complicated, illogical, irrational, yet completely awesome in every way beings like we are. yep.
@Muze
“number 2 is so friggin true. lol. although i like to think i’ve curbed my crazy since then, i had a friend who didn’t want to share his salad with me once, and my response was something along the “you saying you think i’m so fat i shouldn’t be eating spinach leaves?” line. lol. i was serious too”
Do you sleep in a padded room wearing a straight jacket? And I’m called crazy?
LOL that was waybackwhen.
leave me lone.
Relationship topics/title I’d like to see in print
“P***y Speculators: Men that artificially raise the price of chex by tricking, pandering, and saving ugly, average, and sub-average women.”
This book will call out all of those dudes that tell the ugly chic with the sick @ss-to-waist ratio that she is God’s gift to man and the man that kisses the @ss of chics with HORRIBLE attitudes. Or the man that gives light-skinned points. This book will stop the nonsense of “It ain’t tricking if you got it”. No ninja, it is tricking if you got it.
“Get Your Ones Up Then Get Your Fun Up: People that like to party, take trips, and wear the latest designer gear but don’t have a pot to piss in.”
This book will teach folks to pay their gas and electric bill before they buy those new Polo boots. It will keep them from asking to borrow money from you to pay their bills why they spend their money on frivolous ish.
“Mainstream Hip-Hop In The New Millenium: The new industry for young Black men that failed at sports and refuse to go to school.”
“White Men: Every Black women’s only choice for a man that will keep them in heavenly relationship bliss”
This book will discuss how White men are the only choice for a Black woman to be treated like the angelic queen she is. It will explain how she was forced at gun point to date the selfish, immature, douchebaggish Black men she has in the past. It will also explain how her taste in men doesnt have to change but all men have to change to her taste.
WOW! Okay Humble_One I see you (avatar chick voice). On point! I’d like to buy all of your books and you’re my new fav author. lmao. You went in. I especially cosign P*ssy Sepculators. These men are clueless. Getting your ones up always increases your fun cause you’re just happier and ish. I don’t know about the White men book though. They love black women better than black men? Maybe skeet on your tits but love? I dunno. I always like a little agressive not passive agressive. Where’s the challenge?
@SmartFoxGirl
“I don’t know about the White men book though. They love black women better than black men? Maybe skeet on your tits but love? I dunno. I always like a little agressive not passive agressive. Where’s the challenge?”
I though the consensus amongst Black women was that White men were relationship Shangri-la?
Da hell? Why would I drive a Hummer then trade it in for a Prius??? I’ll take the difficulty with driving a hummer and bad gas emissions over being smothered in a prius with little gears anyday.
Can I just say that Pu**y Speculating hurts women too..let’s explore
A 3 decides that she is hot commodity because she has an a$$ (which I mentioned above is a good thing) and dudes stay getting at her. Now, she has a false confidence to go with her a$$ game, yet is still facial challenged. Other speculators come around and stay keeping her feeling like she is of Halle Berry facial quality. o_0
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, above average looking women and dime pieces passed over for the buttaface a$$-champ are quietly trying to figure out how said 3 is pulling dudes with that dumb sh*t. Men gravitate toward the recipients of the pu**y speculation game because they’re easy….thus attractive women stay confused. We start asking questions like “I thought men wanted a lady in the street…why are they continually dating wilderbeasts then???”
Then, we stop f-king with boys and deal with men and the problem is solved.
““Mainstream Hip-Hop In The New Millenium: The new industry for young Black men that failed at sports and refuse to go to school.””
But, but…Gucci Mane said he graduated with a 3.4 or 3.6 (one o’ dem) GPA!
He still flunked outta the Lip Chap School For Gentlemen Academy, tho.
as a memeber of the donk brigade, I would like a supplementary piece of “Bubble” be “Lemme See the Booty (NOW): Why are Men Getting Increaslingly Worse at the ‘Lookback’ ”
lookback: when men pass the women of interest and then lookback to see the booty.
men have gotten very bad at this. they don’t even let you pass them up all the way before they turn around now.
goodness.
@HR_Maggedon
“as a memeber of the donk brigade, ”
Did you send validation to the VSBs to confirm your membership?
I sent in my app, but they have yet to respond.
@HR_Maggedon
That was your first mistake. You should have sent it directly to
meHumble_One, care of Unicorn_Mafia@yahoo.com@SoBo
i would die if you had actually created said email avi.
die i say.
“Lemme See the Booty (NOW): Why are Men Getting Increaslingly Worse at the ‘Lookback’ ”
I swear!! I think the Academy of Raising Men has removed this from the curriculum…. Nowadays, the Walmart aisles are rife with eye-rapes of all kinds… *smh*
“eye-rapes”
>>>>LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL<<<<
I'm so so so done.
#6: I didn’t think these 30 year old dating deficient dudes actually existed…
Oh Champ, where have you been? They do exist… and I have unfortunately known one.
Have you been taken on a date to a $3 movie theater, and then been asked (by aforementioned deficient man) to purchase your own ticket and popcorn?
Well, maybe he didn’t ask me to buy my own ticket. But I think the point is felt. And let’s not even get into the usage of the word “daddy” as a believed term of endearment. *vomits*
@Malorie
Please. Stop. It.
LOL!
Girl, you already know…
how you gon’ take someone to a cheap ass movie AND ask them to pay? Man, I was stupid in my former life. Lol.
@Malorie
LMAO! Yeah, that was terrible.
$3?!!!
He was a cheap bastard if ever there was one. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he was fine as hell, but everything that’s 6’4″ and mocha chocolatey ain’t good for you. Fuck gold. It’s the chocolate you gotta worry about… lmao.
At least he took you somewhere….
I meet a guy, gave him my number, he calls, then texts.
He: we should hang out
Me: cool.
He: where do you stay?
Me: the north side
He: aight, well I can come up that way and catch the game
Me: cool, where?
He: your place
Me: o_O
How you gonna just invite yourself to my place. I DON’T know you!!!!!
THIS is an EPIDEMIC.
just because i live solo..doesn’t mean you can INVITE yourself OVER…
grr…..
#nodmx
It is an epidemic! Heyall to the naw. Wheredeydodatat?
This epidemic extends both ways, cuz I’ve known a few women like this as well…trying to Bogart an invitation outta me…naw miss…
@DG…Wow. I’m embarrassed for her.
Yes please shout this to the high heavens. Batman NEVA took no one to the bat cave. Did you miss where I said I live alone with my child? ((beyonce voice)) Ah’l show you crazy. Just try me BISH! lol *wips orange lace front over shoulder*….these ninjas be playin dumb.
Wait. So he not only took you to a discount movie theater (which, no shots…those are cool with me, especially if they have a movie I happened to miss in the reglah theater), but he asked you to PAY for yo ticket? Like, I thought that’s why he chose it…so he’ll be able to pay! LOL
@Cheekie: EXACTLY. The point of going to a discount theater is so you can afford it… smh. That was a long time ago… I don’t f’s with him no mo… though he was a fine M.F…. mmmmph… *comes back*
@oftenconfused & Keisha Brown: oh yeah, this happens too… and it’s also unacceptable. SMH.
“… though he was a fine M.F…. mmmmph… *comes back*”
Ahh, and therein lies the answer as to why he even lasted that long. lol
Foine mofos get all kinds of passes, don’t they? It’s a shame, but it’s life.
Yes, I just can’t use the term “daddy” when refering to a romantic interest. It’s just too weird. Why is this phenomenon true?
@Deeds
YES! I think it’s rather gross. I still call my father “daddy”, so that’s who I think of when I hear the word.
That would not make for good chexy time.
In addition to that I have my thoughts about the word in reference to prostitutes calling their pimp “daddy” and the fact that no man has ever held me down like my father, so he doesn’t deserve to be called that…
@LaBakir:
Thanks for saying what I was thinking. I still call my father “daddy” so I can’t be all in the nighttime hours using that terminology… oh no… oh no, not at all.
“YES! I think it’s rather gross. I still call my father “daddy”, so that’s who I think of when I hear the word.”
@LaBakir,
Same for me! I think I clowned a dude for that…
@Deeds:
It’s just gross. Like, I have a daddy (and don’t need no other male replacement), so calling a guy “daddy” is, to me, disrespectful AND gross…
This also counts for other languages as well… I’s educated, suh, so telling me to call you “papi” doesn’t make me feel any better. Same ish, different language. Lol.
I ain’t calling him Papi, but being called Mami or Mami Chula in just the right way can be pretty ok… Just like brothers in the East saying “ma” can be cool if done just the right way. No Thug, but just colloquialism.
“Yes, I just can’t use the term “daddy” when refering to a romantic interest. It’s just too weird. Why is this phenomenon true?”
My sister and I were JUST talkin’ ’bout this while watching The Game. Tasha called Rick Fox this, and she was like, “O_o, ugh, I can’t STAND that…just give n**gas even more power why dontcha” LMAO…but um, yeah, I can’t with the daddy thing…it’s grossness.
Why is this phenomenon true?
I keep asking this very same question… WHY IS THIS OKAY? Lol.
You are NOT my father. No Maury. Ewwwwww.
@miss malorie
most importantly..where dey do $3 movies at? i need to be where you are!!
I’m adding
- “What do you want from me?: Why can’t ppl just be honest in relationships?”
- “Actions or words: Which to believe when they don’t line up? or is it all BS?”
- “How can there be good girls left if you screw all of them?: the downsides of double standards”
@Oftenconfused
YAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!
All of these books need to be published and distributed like YESTERDAY
Especially the first 2! “Actions or Words”….smh, I need a pocket copy of that.
Yesssss actions or words…. yeessssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
Can you make an express copy of this? I’m in need. Lol.
Ladies. I’ll start on actions or words right away. I actually had to add “or is it all BS”. Due to a guy I was dealing with whose action and words didn’t align but instead neither were true. Smh
Hmmm I may really start a blog….
*already subscribed*
I deal with someone whose actions and words never align. He, however, is just a confused soul. I don’t know why I always like confused people.
@oftenconfused
I think we can make “Actions and Words” and collaboration effort as I’m working on a series called “That’s #ThatBullsh!t”
I like it!!! Count me in!!!
Might I add an optional a title for your second book:
“I Can Show You Better Than I Can Tell You: How to put stock in actions instead of words”.
“‘Daddy misses you’: Why 30-something single men who use the term ‘daddy’ should be avoided.”
Oh yes, too bad this book didn’t exist when I was a wee bit younger…
1) D*ck Bait and Switch – as old as time. I truly believe men ages 16-25 ruin it for EVERYONE. This is the age group that I find do this the most. I don’t know any women who just woke up one day and decided to be angry at men…it’s usually because of a man. Stop ruining future wifeys.
2) Always About Me – this is actually my pet peeeeeve! I hate this type of person like I hate my neighbor. This is little girl/boy syndrome. Only children do this, grow up.
3) Yes Homo – somewhere there is a gay man right now helping your girl through her problems. They give fab male advice splashed with femininity plus they let us know when we are rocking a fashion no-no. It’s the man gays I don’t like. Stop looking muscular and sexy with a nice butt then dissapoint to find out you bat for the home team. No fair. FOUL.
4) Life Inside the Vacuum – I think everyone has been guilty of this from time to time. Let’s not be hypocrites.
5) Hands In The Cookie Jar – Trash. Next.
6) Yes They Still Make Him – Next. No really, that’s what I say to this dude. Next….and I’ll take my rum & coke to go please. You pay for dinner.
7) Alluring @ss – We understand however I find that it’s not just having a nice @ss but it’s what you do with that nice @ss. Tricks are for men. Also, please know the diff between nice big @ss and plain fat @ss. If it’s wide and like a Buick, that’s not nice. And please flash forward and think about what said @ss will look like in 5 years plus a kid. Kthx
I’d like to add:
* Bad Attitude: Why White Women Are Taking “Your” Men. Volume 1
* Don’t Be A Short Bus Shawty: If It’s Easy The Ride Will Be Short.
* Players Die Alone: Nuts Plus Love Equals Good Life.
@SmartFoxGirl
“New sex is awkward anyway.”
*dies* ain’t that the truth! Nothing’s as good as what you have already broken in/are already used to. Unless, of course, that shit was bad to start with… lol.
@SmartFoxGirl
“If it’s wide and like a Buick, that’s not nice.”
I beg to differ. While the bubble is the undisputed #1 @ss the wide load shouln’t be discounted. The wide ones feel better than they look and also spread. That spread is a beautiful thing.
O_O you nasty…
Come to speak of it, I always wondered if fat girls have tighter poons. Ignorant I know.
@SmartFoxGirl
“Come to speak of it, I always wondered if fat girls have tighter poons. Ignorant I know.”
Can’t answer that. Never been with a fat girl. I can say that my friends that have been with big girls had no complaints.
The Resume Swindle: What Looks Good On Paper May Actually Be Bad For You
I’m sure we’ve all encountered the “resume swindle”: A man or woman who looks good on paper: no kids, good job, college degree, disease free, great credit etc. However once you get to know this person, you realize they have more issues than Kanye has leather pants. In this book, you’ll learn the necessary steps in avoiding the resume swindle and uncovering what really lies beneath, saving you time and headaches.
Preach, ma’am, preach.
Yep. Behind every great man lies a woman so if he seems great and he’s truly single, something is wrong. A woman would have snatched him up from teenhood.
I think there is a short window of time where a man can look good on paper and actually be good….maybe from ages 25-31? After that, he is probably hiding something.
Can I place a preorder?
do you do international shipping??
@Keisha Brown and Oftenconfused
Yes, I accept pre-orders and international shipping.
With pre-orders comes a complimentary Bull Sh!t dectector to assist you in your dating adventures.
Ohhh I want a BS detector!!! Send me the website!!! Lol
@LaBakir
I could have used this book. Does the bulls**t detector sniff out sophisticated hoodrats?
@Humble_One
Yes it does. It has the ability to sniff out any potential frauds.
THIS!!!!! It’s the second cousin of the d!ck and switch (or whatever Champ called it)…It’s literally one person on paper and a whole ‘notha negro in the flesh.
Publish that ASAP! Could have used it like, 2.5 years ago!
LLS….”knowledge is power” *in school house rock voice*
i almost died when i read this:
A quick perusal of the titles in the self-help section at Borders yesterday confirmed this, as I saw “Why Men Love Bitches“, “How To Be a Bitch Who Men Love“, “Bitch, You Listening?“, and “Settle, Silly Bitches” all within six inches of each other.
but then i DID die when i read this:
Is anyone listening to me? If a black blogger asks a rhetorical question in D. Woods, would Diddy make a sound?
lmao good post champers!!! i, too, would be very interested in reading all of these books. please, some VSS or VSB out there get to writing!!! VSBs and VSSs are getting hoodwinked and bamboozled DAILY without this advice!!!
p.s. champie and peej, when’s YALL book comin out?? inquiring minds… and sh!t. *taps foot*
Yeah, the D. Woods comment slayed me. Sarah Michelle Gellar.
0_0 bwahahahhahahahaha!!!!
I would
borrow from the librarybuy everyone of these books!! I think you should get to writting Young Champster.By the way, do you need an editor? I’m available for a small fee of 12% of sales. Let’s talk. You have my email address
How bout “Why must I gag? – Women who ask silly questions before they seal the deal.”
Food and Sex – You still here?
How to get men to put a ring on it – See previous titles.
well hello there former e-boo *waves*
@Gem
Well hello beautiful….what it do?
So…I love VSB…
always have.
I must co-sign #6. I’m sure you’ve heard all the horror stories. And I’ve experienced so many of them…which is why step 2 rarely happens…let alone the first date. Like c’mon dude…”Did you really just compliment me on the way I was wearing my bra? What effin planet are your from? And did you ask me what “position” (not sure why that’s in quotations) I like “it” best in?” Conversation done…and I won’t be able to meet with you tomorrow…matter of fact, I’m moving to Eqypt, so I’ll never be able to make it….whew
As far as #7…the Ass….
We all know where that stems from. Sarah Baartman (Hottentot Venus)…
Everyonce in a while, there is a post that makes you lose most of your day reading the 300+ replies (and refreshing repeatedly). This will be one of those posts. I think with the talent in the original write up, and the replies, we could launch our own network of funny sitcoms. You VSm’fers are funny as hell. Free Coupons to Chick Fil A for everyone….um, you gotta get them from Oprah though…and she said Stedman put them in the box with the wedding ring so….but yeah.
Youre right!!! This blog has consumed my last two hrs. And I swore I was gonna be productive today. Lol. There’s always tomorrow.
boom boom #POW!
I’ve already lost 2 hours and 42 of my work day to this post. I was starting to feel like maybe I don’t read good, but I’m too busy dying and coming back to life from all the titles that I can’t seem to make it to the end.
Thank you… I’m not getting ish done at work… and I don’t care… that’s the good thing at sitting at a desk where your computer screen faces away from everyone…
LMAO, this used to be my life…at my job, when we were upstairs, my computer was facing this way. The IT guy said the chick who sat at my desk before me would watch soap operas all day.
Now, I still be on my unproductive ish, but I try to be more subtle with it. *as I type in this comment box and my 2520 coworker walks by*
*sigh* I HAD to keep typing…quickly switching windows while they’re looking brings more attention to the bad deed. lol
@cheekie
quickly switching windows while they’re looking brings more attention to the bad deed. lol
CO-MF-SIGN!!!!
VSB needs a boss button like TMQ from ESPN.com.
please and thanks.
They have a boss button?! I have to go there just to check it out now.
@Cheekie
I do the same thing, when I am visiting this website…
…as well as, reading some smut stories.
The book Why Men Love Bitches was actually very good. It changed my life, no bull. I’d recommend to anyone who’s had bad luck with dating in the past.
I “like” this post. That is all.
This article is hilarious! Love every single one of the titles you showcased, and would by all of them.
Let me also add as a supplement to #6
“D!ck pics: mens love affair with their schlong and why they share” I’ve recieved more than just in inappropriate comments, I’ve recieved random d!ck pics from two dudes.
Just curious. How old are these dudes? I’m 30 and I’ve never received a d!ck pick. I’m wondering if this is something that men younger than me do, or men older than me?
I received a pic from a guy in his early twenties, and a guy in his late thirties.
I think it has nothing to do with the age, only the type of man he is.
“I think it has nothing to do with the age, only the type of man he is.”
*nods*
Seriously, NEVER, Yonnie? God Bless ya, on the real. There are way too many random peen pics I wish I could unremember, right nah.
Umm one was 38-39 can’t remember. Great guy on paper. Dentist, no kids, my frat brother, etc…
The other was mid 20s. Met on fb ( i know i know) through a friend. Never meet in person.
I think (as malorie said) it probably has speaks more to person than the age.
@Oftenconfused: it’s that 38 curse… I was talking to a friend the other day who was with a 38 year old and he flipped out and started having a tantrum (long story on what he was mad about it) and FELL.ON.THE.FLOOR.
I have an automatic “you’re 38 and single” detector, so whenever I encounter these types, I cross the street and walk swiftly in the opposing direction.
LMBO!!! I didn’t know it was a curse thanks! I wish I wouldve known earlier. I’ll spread the word.
ROTFL @ fell on the floor. He had a tantrum… like really?! o_O
I wish I would have known before it hit me (no Chris Brown). But you are welcome… if I can prevent anyone else from the horror of the curse, I will.
And yes, according to my friend, he fell on the floor. And when she stepped over him and went in her room, he got up and walked in there, acting normally. He needs a straightjacket.
I’m 30 and I’ve never received a d!ck pick.
I asked the same thing because I’m 31 and have never received one either… And how do they even go about it? Like, here I’m sending you a pic of my schlong? It just baffles me.
Yesssss… why do they think that I want to see a picture of that if I’m not trying to see it in person?
I have NO idea!!! That’s why someone needs to write this book.
I received a few in my life time. Yikes. It’s always the hung ones though. Show-offs. And muscle pics too. If I see you posing, flexing or squatting with one leg sticking out…I’m done.
Good for you mine were NOT. Which perplexed me more!!!!!!!
Whaaaaa! Little guys do that? That’s it we need a town hall meeting to explain what is and isn’t appropriate. Who wants to be the speaker?
The first pics I got (38 yr old) were bathroom mirrors pics. One was waist up. Yucky flabby stomach and taco meat chest hair. The second was waist down. It was really hard (no pun) to find “it”. I’m hoping he was flacid. But shouldn’t that be the first rule of dic pics. In his defense there were some shadows, but ummm….yeah
The next guy sent 3 (I think) one of the subject matter, the other was the same with a keyboard in the background (svale maybe) the third was like a from the crotch up body shot. Not small but not brag worthy.
Ewwww yuckee yuck yuck. If you have to look for it, turn your head side ways, cover one eye, and hop on one leg to see it? #fail lol
“D!ck pics: mens love affair with their schlong and why they share”–this is what I get for coming back for more lunch-time foolery. The last peen in my inbox was ashy! I mean if you’re gonna text me your junk at least lotion it up first!
Just today this rando I met in June sent me a shirt-off bathroom pic with stunna shades. Ok, not just sunglasses in doors but in the freaking bathroom. Dude ain’t even that ripped!
Lol at ashy!!!!
LMAO @ Ashy! And it had to be MAD ashy to even detect the ash in a pic sent with a phone in the bathroom lighting (cuz that’s where ALL folks convene to send their nasty pics)
Done….I cant…..
Possible Books:
The Impossible Dream: How to Go From Kat Stacksian Hosh*t to Claire Huxtablian Wifesh*t. (seriously, if anyone can find the secret to this, consider yourself having mad bank)
The Mythical Creature: The Tale of The Shawty Who Has Tig Ol’ Bitties AND A Donk. Together! At The Same Time!
STFU, Steve Harvey: Chronicles of An Anti-Relationship-Expert
Shemar Moore Copy And Paste Cornrows: The All-Inclusive Guide To Becoming The Perfect Tyler Perry Character. (special light-skint paste optional yet recommended)
the mythical creature…..
preface: butterface? (cuz everything ELSE looks good….)
Buttafaces are the worst cause most of them don’t know they’re buttafaces. They walk around thinking they da ish cause ninjas try to holla at their butt all the time. lol
SO TRUE!!!
and it baffles me thatbthe cute chicks have self esteem issues.
what the eff is really good?
I blame guys. Buttafaces don’t know they Butta because ninjas are effin’ up the game. Chick got a body like Pam Grier and the face of Sammy Davis! WTF!!!!
Sammie Davis face!
Lol I think my face dropped at that one! LMAO!
*whistling Mr. Bojangles*
Thank you for getting me a very stern look from my boss. I can’t be laughing at this website so dayum much.
BTW, LMAO!
DEEEAAAADDDDDD
@SmartFoxGirl, Cheekie, HR_Maggedon, and legitimate_soul
The Buttafaces are covered in the book
“P***y Speculators: Men that artificially raise the price of chex by tricking, pandering, and saving ugly, average, and sub-average women.”
I mentioned it my comments above.
Yes you did. lol
And I expounded on it by saying how the buttaface with the body is the peril of all facially appealing women.
Carry on…
LOL, yeah, because a chick with all THREE (tig ols, donk, and dime-face) is a unicorn that does the dougie. Folks wouldn’t be able to tell that chick nuffin!
@Cheekie
“The Mythical Creature: The Tale of The Shawty Who Has Tig Ol’ Bitties AND A Donk. Together! At The Same Time!”
….forward by CNotes #feelingmyselftoday : )
@Cnotes – “….forward by CNotes #feelingmyselftoday : )”
I’d like to feel what your feeling.
I’d also like to see what your feeling.
I cannot with Mr SoBo’s teasing chexy fruit avatars all up and through here. Hmph.
@Mr SoBo
First the banana avi; now the chocolate strawberry avi……..and the chexy responses? You are just begging for CNotes to book a flight! : )
@CNotes
The only thing you would need to book is a hair appointment when I’m done with you.
dead. dead. and….. dead.
in the morgue right beside Gem.
@Mr SoBo
*Ringing*
CNotes: Hey Val! It’s CNotes!
Val (Stylist): Hey girl!
CNotes: I need you on standby STAT
Val (Stylist): Why?
CNotes: One word….SoBo! *snickers*
Val (Stylist): OK, but you know I will charge extra if I have to replace hair from the chexy agressive hair-pulling.
@CNotes
To bring our little exchange full circle, lets not forget that I do kindly request visual confirmation of your self proclaimed vuluptiousitaneous physique.
*yes I make up words that sound good*
It is only right that I see this mythical creature,…..before I slay it.
@Mr SoBo
“It is only right that I see this mythical creature,…..before I slay it.”
I agree. However, seeing as how you have had at least a glimpse of me…..I would like a glimpse of my potential slayer. (drums fingers on desk)
I must first have a glimpse of the slayer. My avi has given you a preview.
@CNotes – “I must first have a glimpse of the slayer. “
As a conquering lion I tend to mount from behind. Appearances are of no concern when you can feel my blade plunge into the depths of your meaty hide while I nip at the nape of your neck from behind.
Besides, with a lock of your hair tightly gripped in my hand, your eyes would be forcibly directed skyward with your focus being blurred somewhere between the ceiling and heaven (thats even if you can find the strength within yourself to open them amidst the blinding pleasure to appreciate your third eye awakening).
Now,…if you were able visualize any of that,…then you have gotten your glimpse,….and maybe even a little more. That CNotes, is Mr. SoBo.
Hi.
@Mr SoBo
“Now,…if you were able visualize any of that,…then you have gotten your glimpse,….and maybe even a little more. That CNotes, is Mr. SoBo.”
With that….you win sweetheart!
NEWSFLASH TO ALL THE VSS ON THIS SITE:
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT MR SOBO IS COMPLETELY OFF THE E-MARKET.
Well CNotes, what can I say. The mythical creature with volleyball athleticism, and eclectic tastes intrigues me.
Furthermore, I would rather live in a ‘brickhouse’ than in one made of sticks.
I’m just patiently waiting for the day I can actually move in….and out…and back in again
*wow. its been a very, very slow day at work. don’t mind my fecal rhetoric.*
@Mr SoBo
“wow. its been a very, very slow day at work. don’t mind my fecal rhetoric.”
All good! : ) I so enjoy your erogenous banter. You are powerfully sexy to me and your wordplay tugs at my heartstrings every single time. *e-kisses*
Sooo, this comment had me lol to the point that I had to bury my face in my lap, so I wouldn’t draw attention to myself.. TO BAD one of my 2520 bosses walks by and asks me if I am ok.
XD
You all are doing the most today, and I’m loving it!
You all are doing the most today, and I’m loving it!
Aren’t they though??? I am loving it!!
(needs to get back to work)
LAWD.
I was about to ask when is one considered in the “tig ol bitties” committee… is a D (borderline DD) qualified?
… cause other areas are covered…. 
@Sula
“is a D (borderline DD) qualified?”
Not sure who all is on the committee, but my vote would be yes. : )
Thank ya kindly, dear CNotes… I shall send my application for membership.
@Humble_One… I ain’t breaking NO violation.
It’s National Banned Books Week (no really, it is http://www.bannedbooksweek.org/) and the many of the books mentioned today based on titles alone would probably be challenged or banned. Some of the best books (Huckleberry Finn, Harry Potter series, The Color Purple–couldn’t leave it out) have been banned from libraries at one time or another, so well done VSSs and VSBs.
My book for the men:
What are you thinking? What are you thinking?: Why and How Not to Answer a Question with a Question.
http://www.bannedbooksweek.org/
The parenthesis in my post won’t let me be great.
I remember first hearing about books being banned when I was a kid. I was so shocked and appalled at some of the criteria. I was like, “ya’ll some skittish ninjas!”
Ok, that’s a lie, I ain’t know what skittish meant back then. Maybe I should’ve read more. I read a lot, but not enough, I guess. lol
“I was like, “ya’ll some skittish ninjas!”
Ok, that’s a lie, I ain’t know what skittish meant back then.” Thanks to quick reflexes I was able to prevent my lunch from meeting the keyboard. *Tries to cleverly incorporate Tx10inch’s “Why must I gag? – Women who ask silly questions before they seal the deal.” into post*…*fails*
LOL@ National Banned Month.
I was in Half Priced Books last week and they had a display about regarding this. Animal Farm was on there, and I’ve been wanting to add that to my library. So I went ahead and copped it for 3 bucks.
Cheap books are good. Cheap good books are better!
Co-sign!
I went to Borders this past weekend and they told me I had a $5 off coupon because I was a rewards member that I didn’t know about so I paid $5 for a book instead of $10.
LOL, I love when Borders hits me with the surprise 5 bucks off. *hugs Borders*
The only title needed: “You’re Single Because You Want To Be”
That is all.
Excellent post Champerino.
I was looking for stocking stuffers for some of my lady friends, and here are some titles I actually came across while browsing the isles in Barneys and Noblees.
“Gemini Shrugged:” A guide to mastering the art of duality. An in depth look at how to cover your wayward past and present, while simultaneously portraying virginesque characteristics that will guarantee your place as wifey. Originally published under the title, “I’m Just Doing Me”.
*This has been sold out and is on back order until year 3011*
Swallows Aren’t Just Birds: Keeping your man happy, sore and ‘coming’ back for more.
‘A Tale of Two Women:” A logical look at why it’s perfectly okay to share one man. Chapter titles include, ‘Befriending the Other Woman’, ‘Scheduling’, ‘Three is the new Two’, and ‘Awakening Your Bi-s*xuality to benefit the Tri-s*xuality’.
“Look Like an Angel, Lie Like a Devil”: A sociological and scientifical analysis on why women are incapable of being honest with themselves, their friends, men, and the world.
You know what it feels like to choke on spit? I’m dying laughing. I have to give you an A+ for excellent use of vocabulary on VSB. You win. This is why I don’t fool with you. You’re too much. lol
completely and utterly dead. i’m with SFG. you win.
my friends actually got me a tshirt that says “swallows” on it with a picture of cute little birds on a tree branch, for my birthday. heifers. lol.
“three is the new two”. … bwahahaha.
Great post!!!! Its seriously killing my will to be productive today lol
“How Technology Killed Your Relationship: BBM Edition”
I can’t tell you how many times friends have complained about sending bbms to ninjas and then got mad because they could see that he read it but “refused” to reply smh. Sometimes technology is a bad thing in the wrong hands
That’s why I could never go Team Crackberry…why they gotta tell yo business about whether you read some ish or not. Just instigating all, “Ooooh, she read your message but he won’t reply! You ain’t gettin none!” That’s what I hated about Myspace too (among other things). Just gives stalkers ammo.
plenty of fish also does this..but even worse..tell you if they read AND deleted or unread and deleted.
like i need more shots fired at my self esteem!!
Yes! Then the ninja msgs back in all caps like
“EY GUR! I NO U SEENT ME MSG! HOLLA BACK B4 I COME OVA DER AND GUT U LIKE A FISH!”…thugs. -_-
oooooh i had to pretend i got a whole different phone. seriously. i came to loathe BBM and all it represented. now i only have a few random people on my list. no one that would remotely care if i read and continue about my day without responding right away. BBM is horrible.
and add Facebook to that list for ruining relationships. whew.
“something ain’t right: how ATL can be the mecca of beautiful black women AND men” getting to the root of how the gay population can be so prevelant when the VSS quotient is so high.
great post dude. personally i would never read steve harvey’s books and i would side eye any woman (whom i was interested in because otherwise it doesn’t apply to me) who referenced either book in their dating life. what i look like listening to:
“well steve harvey said that if….. then you really don’t care about me”
my response:
“f— steve harvey. him and his 14 buttons on his suit can suck a d***.”
I visualized this scene and cracked up!
I actually understand why women date married men. First, they put aside the immorality of it. They like the CLEAR boundaries for their own mental processing. If he’s “actually” rather than just simply “emotionally” unavailable, they are less likely to get attached. When a man is just emotionally unavailable, that bitch called “Hope” keeps talking to us, making us think that maybe if we love him just right, he’ll become available to us in the right way.
Speaking from personal experience (not a married man but a dude w/ a girlfriend), that scenario can play out for both the married guy and the emotionally unavailable man. It’s rare that no one eventually catches feelings and then it gets ugly because there’s always someone who will get hurt.
Genius, from books 1-8!!
I know I’ve seen the pizza analogy before…on my blog…a while ago C’mon fellas. At least give me a shout if you’re going to use it…
I visited your blog for the first time literally 30 seconds ago. I’m not shy about giving credit where credit’s due, but unless you pulled some Inception type shit on me, gotta chalk this to coincidence.
It must be a pretty common analogy. I’ve heard it before in real time not in a blog post.
Awwwww sh*t, is it about to be boy fight?!?!
I’m waiting with the baby oil handy. lol
ROFL @ “No Fidelity, No Fellatio”
#2 might not be a book, but goddamn if it ain’t already a movement.
#8 might just have to be written. As a man, I think that ideology is fucking retarded. Give up something good for something unknown? wtf?! Apart from her non-sexual goodness, the current probably already gives great head, swallows AND smears, cooks great, actually knows how to ride & reverse cowgirl squat on your dick, and is already accustomed to your farts…yet you wanna fuck it all up by pursuing new, unknown cooter? GTFOH
…now, if the current doesn’t already do the aforementioned things, then I can halfway understand the pursuit, but at that point I’d just tell you to leave her.
LMAO! This whole post had me crackin’ up…the white boy next to me at work keeps looking over trying to figure out what im snickering about. I should just look at him and say, with a straight face: “No Fidelity, No Fellatio”. lmao
At a bookstore near you…
Name on the Juice: How to avoid petty ninjas
Game Recognize Game: Working on Self to get to what you want.
Trying to Help Ike: The Lost Art of the Holler
“…you the one need the help, Anna Mae!”
Deciphering The Sistah Circle: Knowing the difference between sistah’s who are dancing in a circle because YOU didn’t ask them to dance and those that don’t want to be bothered I am having trouble with this title because part of me thinks you cold have danced in a circle with your girls at home, and the other part thinks you have a right to dance alone and still be out with folks. However, the confusion does ‘eff up the game and results a sea of women on the dance floor and dudes standing on the perimeter. Or maybe that’s just here. *shrug*
What happened to the slow dance?-Issues of relationship intimacy and tenderness beyond sex With a emphasis on why there is no problem stoppin it, droppin’ it, grinding it, holding it, grabbing it, thrusting it, poppin’ it and wobbling it, but being held is “too close and intimate”.
*could
*an
“What happened to the slow dance”
*purchased book for movie rights.
thanks
*congressional fist bump.
*fist bump back* Thanks for understanding….Ummmmm, where we going this Friday for Naked Fridays
lol!
Someone say Naked Fridays? lmao I’m gettin waxed as we speak.
“Name on the Juice: How to avoid petty ninjas ”
Oh please write this book LS….pleeeaaaaassssseee I need help.
and THIS:
“Trying to Help Ike: The Lost Art of the Holler”
“…you the one need the help, Anna Mae!”
kilt me dead 6 ft under with maggots. And your last one is a mind boggler. Why are ninjas afraid of the cuddle and loving sh*t?
What happened to the slow dance?-Issues of relationship intimacy and tenderness beyond sex With a emphasis on why there is no problem stoppin it, droppin’ it, grinding it, holding it, grabbing it, thrusting it, poppin’ it and wobbling it, but being held is “too close and intimate”.
Love this one!!!
Great adds! Especially the last one.
My additions:
Bulls**t: An Explanation of Why Men Could NEVER Be Too Intimated to Approach a Woman.
We Like Her, and We Like Her Too!: How to Lose When You Think You’re Winning. By: Tiger Woods
Correction: “Intimidated”
Great ones!
We Like Her, and We Like Her Too!: How to Lose When You Think You’re Winning. By: Tiger Woods
please reference SFG’s Players Die Alone, get 2 for 1 on SALE!
Some ninjas never learn.
@SFG
please reference SFG’s Players Die Alone, get 2 for 1 on SALE! Some ninjas never learn.
Done!….and giving the first set to Tiki Barber.
*giggles at the first set to Tiki Barber*
Book #2, I’ll be present at the book signing and everything. This should be BIG. There should be a movie and cliff notes.
Book #3, I’ll pass around copies. I don’t understand this either. It’s always stated as if they’re worried that some gay guy wants them. Then the same homophobes turn around and co-sign two women kissing.
This post had me dying. Nicely done.
Off topic, but for the VSS & VSB comic fans:
Scenes from the actor playing Captain American and some movie shots:
http://movies.yahoo.com/photos/collections/gallery/2944/spotted-on-set–chris-evans-as-captain-america#photo0
Chris Evans as Captain America? This could be interesting!
I’ve been reading the comments for so long that I had to hit refresh when I got the end bc I KNEW another hundred or so gems had been dropped. I was right.
This was such a good post. It totally made my day.
Ok, I’m not done reading the entry but this —> Girl starting a NFNF (No Fidelity, No Fellatio) movement on Twitter.
Bury me a G, y’all cause I am gone to the house over yonder!
The Ninety-Day Rule: A Look at Modern Torture Methods.
Well I did a post a while back about the comedy of contradictions that is the advice given to single black women ,and what they’re doing wrong, thus contributing to the deterioration and ills of the black community. I remember it vaguely but the title of it would be:
“BI*TCH ITS YO FAULT!” (a deeply introspective look at the dynamics of black relationships, black women, and love
Chapter One: Bi*tch You Outnumber Us Ha !!!
Chapter Two: You too picky
Chapter Three: You not picky enough, close yo legs!
Chapter Four: B*tch You Fat!
Chapter Five: Black men like meat on them bones!
Chapter Six: Where to find the Black Man…Chiseled chocolate Adonis’ are everywhere!
Chapter Seven: Be A Freaky H*e (only in duh bedroom)
Chapter Eight: But be virtuous , a good black man wants a good Christisan woman!
Chapter Nine: So you need to be a virtuous freaky H*e
Chapter Ten: Be educated and Independant, ain’t nobody fend to be tryna carry yo as*!
Chapter Eleven: Be docile, and submissive..like dem white or asian chicks!
Chapter 13: Be accomplished, , just don’t talk about them,
Chapter 14: bitc* stop talkin bout them dee-greez!
Chapter Fifteen: You can;t lay in bed at night with them dee-greez!
Chapter Sixteen: What you did wrong, and why you will die alone.
That sounds like the most confusing book I’d ever heard of…
“Well I did a post a while back about the comedy of contradictions that is the advice given to single black women ”
That’s the point!
LMAO@ B*tch it’s yo fault. I love it and I want a copy!
This is so on point! *fell out*
Love the title.
Put me down for 10,000 copies. I must hand them out at the upcoming VSB bbq.
Thanx! Look out for the audio book as narrarated by George Witherspoon…
I must hand them out at the upcoming VSB bbq. .
I submit The VSB bbq is a myth. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya hubbys cause they’s a lie .
@V Renee,
*laughed so loud a co-worker said I was having a good time*
*leyomi drops into a bout of gigglefits*
This comment wins at commenting.
LLS!!! so true so sad so comical
DAAAAYUMMMM!! LOLOL
I always believe that if you can’t outdo the funniest post, you shouldn’t even try. Now that I’ve stopped crying from laughter, is this book available on Kindle?
“Turning Tricks and Taking Kicks: The Memoirs of Kat Stacks”
“Desert Storm: Why Reading Steve Harvey Books Will Keep Your Vag Dry”
Bwahahahaha!
Bwahahaha at Desert Storm.
You sir, are hilarious
I have some titles
How to be the perfect Ride or Die Chick: Bishop Eddie Longs Wife Guide to Sticking by your man No Matter How Many Penises He Fondles
Boss Lady: I Act Like a B*tch because I am A Bitch, or at least that’s what I want you to think, because deep down inside I’m a insecure woman who really wants love, acceptance, and a man. Secrets every woman should know about how to portray the opposite of what they really feel.
I Know He Is But I’m Going to Act like He Is Not: Learning the Art of Denial when you know your man is gay and creeping with another man.
The Equal Ratio: Your Race Don’t Want Your Ass! Why Black Woman Should Start Dating Asian Men!
Fighting in the Street: Learn how to whoop his baby mommas ass, while keep your quick weave in tact. The Hood Rats guide to stroking her thugs ego.
lmao at all of these
How D*ck Makes You Dumb by Lauryn Hill
LOL!
Lmao at the title of #7. I’ve only recently begun to appreciate the booty. I’m always been a bigger fan of boobs.
I’m a Jerk: Why Wasting a Women’s Time is So Much More Fun than Being Honest
“I mean, nice boobs are great to look at and play with as well, but I doubt anyone reading this has subtly stalked a stranger in a department store for 15 minutes just because you wanted to get a panoramic view of her nice knockers.”
You doubt WAY too much. VIVALABOOBIES!!
First off – I LOVE THIS! I am so glad that someone else thinks like I do! I am still trying to convince the 20-somethings I know that #1 is NOT the thing to do. Utter failure in that… Sigh… Also – I am going to write that book about why men love booties so much. It’s in your DNA. I’ve got it all figured out. But I won’t tell you for free – buy the book! LOL!
Loved everything I read so far.
Got a few titles of my own.
Huh? Oh Yea, That’s Great Baby!- a step by step guide for men to completely ignore whatever a woman says and still seem interested in the conversation
Teesha! Hold My Weave – tips for women on exactly what to do when they’ve reached the breaking point and are about to beat the ever-loving shit out of their boyfriends
FacePalm- a how-to-guide for men on what to do within the first 20 seconds of their girlfriends saying something so fucked up that they are at a loss for words
OMG! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE # 1, 3, AND 6!!!!! And YES! I would buy these books if they were real. This site is so sarcastically hilarious, and oh so on point and honest! Glad I ran across it today!
*Blackenomics: How the mass education of black women has destroyed the Black Family.
By A Very Angry Black Man…
*I got YO man…now let me teach you how to get him back!
By Kim K, Khloe K., Kendra and Coco..
HELP! Mama..Auntie…Sis…My White/Asian Girlfriend wife doesn’t know how to cook!
Sistahs: My Man doesn’t need a wave cap, dudleys or weekly trips to the barber shop…how you can have your very own white guy with half the stress!
I LOVE this!
So what did Steve Harvey do to get his qualifications to be a relationship coach? I’m famous so listen to me!
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