7 Great Reasons To Be A Petty Motherfucker » VSB

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7 Great Reasons To Be A Petty Motherfucker

20th Century Fox

 

Between Meek Mill, Cornel West, and general niggadry everywhere, pettiness is having the best week ever. Oh, and me too. Let me tell you how. So recently on Twitter, somebody that I know but barely interact with was RTd into my timeline. That’s retweeted for you old people. Which means somebody tweeted something, and somebody else hit a “re-tweet” button which allows that first thing to be seen on the 2nd person’s timeline, which is where tweets show up.

So yes, somebody I barely interact with was RTd into my timeline. In my attempts to get more context into their statement, I clicked on their handle and found that this person had blocked me. Yes, I Panama Dontavious Jackson, not of the Gary, Indiana, Jacksons, has been blocked by a person he knows on Twitter. I touched my hand to my chest and thought outloud, “my nigga, did you micro-aggress me? I think you did.”

Let’s just start at the top. I understand blocking people from viewing your tweets if they harass you. Or threaten you, or any number of malicious things that are done on-line. I can even understand if said person has said something in support of Bill Cosby, the police (no Sting), trans fats, or Donald Trump. There are a zillion reasons to block somebody that make sense. I mean hell, its your Twitter timeline, do with it as you wish. But here’s the rub, it’s fucking dumb to block somebody if your tweets AREN’T PRIVATE. Do you know why? I’ll tell you why. Because a petty nigga like myself will just log out of my personal account (the one that’s blocked), return to Twitter without logging in and read your tweets JUST BECAUSE YOU SPECIFICALLY TRIED TO STOP ME FROM DOING SO.

Because I’m petty like that.

If I read one more tweet than you wanted me to read, I won. And to complete the murder, because I’m petty, I blocked them back. Not because I don’t want them to see what I tweet. I honestly couldn’t care less and my tweets are beautiful and the world should see them. No, I blocked them because they blocked me in the first place. Plus, samesies and shit. My Twitter feed is public. Anybody can read it. Blocking is symbolic, not functional. At least for me it is. I didn’t even know I had been blocked. Blocking this nigga was purely a sign of I see your passive aggression and raise you a petty wap. BECAUSE I CAN STILL SEE YOUR TWEETS, MY NIGGA.

#GameBlouses

Obviously, God ain’t done with me yet. I know this. And I’m constantly working on me. Most of the time. And luckily, God is blessin’ all the trap niggas. But I cannot tell a lie, I’ve got the petty wap in me. Sometimes, you just have to get a minor victory in a war that doesn’t even exist. Most of the time we call this being a woman. Or at least I used to would have said that. Remember, I’m working on me and shit. Point is, you will hear people tell you that you shouldn’t be petty; rise above and shit. I’m here to tell you fuck that. And here are 7 reasons why you should just go on ahead and be petty, b.

1. There is no award for being the bigger person.

I checked. It does not exist. Sure, there are moral victories in life…but did you really achieve a victory if nobody but you knows it? I want to see my numbers in the rafters…the only way I can achieve that is to apply my pettiness, which will be better than yours. Why? Because I’m petty.

2. Being petty actually feels pretty good.

It’s like a minuscule universe correction for some wrong perpetrated against you. And we like corrections. My teachers used to correct my shit all the time, fam. She was petty as fuck. But I’ll bet she got her rocks off pointing out where I was wrong.  For her it was vindication that I didn’t know shit. Vindication feels like vacation. Both feel good. Unless your dad is “on vacation” like Forrest Gump’s dad. That vacation probably wasn’t so hot.

3. Pretty much everybody is petty, even if they swear they aren’t.

Just because you haven’t seen somebody be petty doesn’t mean they aren’t. There are a lot of solo villains running rampant in these streets letting air out of tires and putting bananas in tailpipes because somebody didn’t text back quick enough. People love to claim to be better than they are. People suck. So just know, if the opportunity exists for a person to come at you with that Tom Petty, its more than likely about to be a heartbreaker. See what I did there?

4. Here’s an example of petty. Say you’re asleep with your significant other or random person who is asleep next to you. The person doesn’t matter really. Say they keep pulling all of the covers off of you and in a fit of petty – and after they’ve done it enough to truly annoy you – you get up take the all of the covers and throw them bitches smooth out the window. Now nobody has covers. But you’re not cold. The heat from your boiling blood will keep you warm at night (since your degrees won’t! ZING!) while your significant other is pissed AND cold for the rest of the night. Petty? Absolutely. Okay? Absolutely. Why? Because sometimes folks don’t respect your feelings until you lob the petty at them.

5. Similarly, sometimes people don’t understand something is a problem until you SHOW them its a problem. Usually by being petty.

For instance. Say somebody never closes the cupboards when they get a glass or plate out of one. They just leave buss it wide open. This is an odd problem, but a problem nonetheless. But you ask them to remember. They either forget (possibly) or don’t care enough to not do it again (likely). Well, there’s really only one solution, but it’s petty.

You have to go to their home and open up every single cupboard, door, and window (unless they live in the hood, you want them to learn, not get robbed…nobody learns lessons when they get robbed DURING the lesson). For weeks. Every day. Until they get the lesson. That shit is petty as fuck, but they gon’ learn.

6. Because God ain’t done with you yet.

While he’s out blessin’ all of the trap niggas, you might get into some situation that makes you want to be petty. Well, its not your fault. If God was done with you, you’d be good. But he isn’t so you’re not. Do you, boo.

7. Some folks just deserve it.

You break my shit, and don’t care. That’s cool. It was just something that mattered a lot to me, no biggie. Oops, I ain’t mean to knock over your aquarium and step on Nemo. Nigga.

That’s actually pretty cruel. Let’s try again.

You almost run me over with your late model Benz. And look at me like I was in your way when the nice digital luminescent white man directing traffic at the crosswalk I’m standing in told me to go. Aight, b. Cool. You don’t REALLY need that Benz emblem on your car. It was just gonna get fucked up in a car wash anyway. Thanks, bruh bruh.

Because petty.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Question

    Aww, I’m sad for Kobe that he is the title image for a piece on petty mf’ers. I wouldn’t consider Kobe a petty mf’er; he’s just a dude who has moments of pettiness, and there is a difference in my opinion.

    Now 50? He’s a petty mf’er. Because his pettiness can not be contained, withdrawn or capped. His petty meter knows no build up and has no threshold ; it is entirely binary – either 0 or 100, yes or no, petty or not-petty.

    Everyone has moments of pettiness. But petty mf’ers? They can’t help it because its part of who they are. It is their default response to a situation.

    • Homer Alonzo La Rue

      “I was shooting 45 times a game. What was I supposed to do? Pass it to Chris Mihm or Kwame Brown?” and “[Smush Parker] shouldn’t have been in the NBA but we were too cheap to pay for a point guard. So we let him walk on.”
      -Bryant, Kobe B.

      • Question

        We may have different definitions of pettiness – because that doesn’t read as pettiness to me. That’s frustration with what one is working with. Pettiness is an unwarranted reaction to something that was perceived as a personal dig, to which one responds with a retaliatory personal dig.

        • Homer Alonzo La Rue

          Nah you might be right, I just think Kobe took everything Mitch and Jerry did personally good or bad.

          • Question

            Word.

    • Kobe’s my man, but he is one of the most petty players in NBA history…h@ll, Karl Malone is still trying to whoop his a$$

      • Question

        Karl Malone? Hmph.

    • CrankUpThe_AC

      I got a coworker like that and it urks my nerves lol

  • 6. Because God ain’t done with you yet.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      I always wonder when I see this, if this woman knows she the gif that keeps on giving…lol

      • miss t-lee

        I hope she does…lol

        • Val

          Her ‘grans’ have probably told her by now. Lol

      • Henry Minton

        Excellent…

        • PunchDrunkLove

          I love this….I woulda been running, but I love this pic

      • DBoySlim

        I see what you did there

        • PunchDrunkLove

          :)

    • The Devil IS A LIE!! HAHAHAHA

  • Wild Cougar

    Blocking showsd you care more than you should. Unless they are harassing you. All of the popular Black woman hating negroes on Twitter AND the popular twitter feminists have blocked me. They claim I’m a troll. Both sides. That right there is funny. At that point being blocked is a sign I matter. Block me so I know it’s real.

    One chick blocked me and then unblocked me to start an argument about why I didn’t @ her when I was talking about her lame diatribe. She claimed I was subbing her and scared to say it to her directly. She musta forgot she blocked me for saying ish to her directly. When she couldn’t get me to back down she blocked me again, like it was some sort of punishment. Now when I talk about her, it will get rt’d on her tl or her followers will run tell. Cuz she’s petty she will be compelled to either unblock me or sub me and hope somebody rts it onto my tl. Dance puppet dance.

    Goldie Taylor blocked me because she was going off about how no woman wants to be called a cougar. I replied well actually. Then I said “love it when women tell women what to like”. Goldie doesn’t follow me but went to my timeline to see it and replied, telling ME to scram. Bish forgot she the one tl stalking. I replied YOU scram, I wasn’t even talking to you. She blocked me. That was the GOAT of blocks. I imagine she looked mighty dumb to her followers and probably deleted the whole exchange. The famous ones are easiest to make overreact in a hail of hilarious petty.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      “All of the popular Black woman hating negroes on Twitter AND the popular twitter feminists have blocked me. They claim I’m a troll.”

      This tickled me….

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I thought it was se x y as $hit. I have no idea why. That’s dedication right there.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Me too. I love it!

    • MzzPeaches

      I follow you on twitter, you entertain the hell outta me lol

    • Lea Thrace

      You almost make me want to join twitter so I can watch you spar (read:destroy) people who come at you. I may not agree with you all the time but I appreciate your unbashed aggressiveness and lack of fucks.

      • Tristan

        Spoiler alert…not worth it.

        • Boo Radley

          Ok, so… ::tears::

        • JanuaryBabe

          LOL

      • Ayanna

        Lol Me too…But my limited attention span won’t even let me do it. lol

    • mochazina

      “All of the popular Black woman hating negroes on Twitter AND the popular twitter feminists have blocked me.”

      and just like that you got another follower. LOL

  • That girl MEL!

    I know I’m petty. But my petty is slow and low. You’ll realize my petty in the middle of the night when you can’t find your phone charger because you always take mine, now your phone is dead forever. You’ll realize it when I ‘acidentlaly’ delete Power from the DVR – I was making room for a Friends episode cuz I can’t just watch friends without someone saying ‘why you always watching that white people show?’ Negro can I just like white ppl shows without your commentary?

    I’m petty. I don’t care.

    • MzzPeaches

      That missing phone charger tho!

  • MzzPeaches

    Petty LaBelle is one of my alter egos. My level of pettiness varies depending on the person and the offense.

    • miss t-lee

      My grandmother is my petty hero.
      She’s 84 years in the petty game, and no signs of stopping…lol

      • MzzPeaches

        My mother is THE definition of petty. She got into an argument w/ my lil sis (who still lives at home) about how she’s not as grown as she thinks she is. Do you know this women locked up ALL the tissue in the house in her bedroom closet to prove her point and told my sis “you can’t even take a sh*t in this house without my assistance.”

        • miss t-lee

          I love it.

          Sounds like my late mother a bit. She once took my door off the hinges, just to prove that I wasn’t grown enough to be closing doors in her house. I had to earn my door back.

          • MzzPeaches

            Yeah, your mom was trill. At least we know we got it honest.

            • miss t-lee

              Indeed!!!!!

          • Amber

            My mom did something like that but it was the bathroom door. That was the only door in the house that had a lock she while i was in there talking smack she takes the door down.

            • miss t-lee

              That’s what got me in trouble too. Closing the door and talking smack.

          • I drove across town, to my sisters house, took my neices door off the hinges, put it in my car, AND DROVE BACK HOME because I was on the phone with my little sister when my neice yelled at her and slammed her bedroom door.
            #nowyouhaveNOdoorNeicy.

            • miss t-lee

              Petty respects petty.

            • JanuaryBabe

              My uncle had a tenant that would not pay his rent…….my uncle tried to catch up with him a few times but the man was dodging him…….since he is also a contractor, he just took both doors down and took them away “for repairs”…….in the hood! He was gansta petty!

              • Damn..your uncle was no joke.

              • JanuaryBabe

                That same uncle put a new roof on a man’s house…..the man refused to pay him……my uncle returned with his crew and they removed the damb roof! Gansta Petty!

        • Lea Thrace

          I need to learn at the feet of this goddess of petty. DAMN!

          • MzzPeaches

            I don’t think I ever need to reach 100% like her, cause my mom gives no fvcks. Any and everybody can be on the receiving end.

        • PhlyyPhree

          Our Lord of Petty. That is some amazing level pettiness right there

          • MzzPeaches

            Anybody who considers themselves petty should make a pilgrimage to her house once in their lifetime and drop off Dunkin Donuts coupons and cartons of Newports.

        • towninc

          saving that one for the teenage years

        • TeeChantel

          LOL! Damn.

        • I just rang the petty bell, it made that quick double tap sound like you hear at a prizefight. Your mom wins. She shudda sprinkled some baby powdas in her hand and popped her after that statement, lol.

          • MzzPeaches

            My mom’s pettiness is like Tyson in his prime.

  • Lea Thrace

    I am home. Yall are my petty family. I luh yall.

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Got a coworker mad at me right now for not ordering White Castle for her when I went. After all the $hit I did for this chick.

    • MzzPeaches
      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Exaaaactly.

        Petty over murder burgers.

      • TeeChantel

        White Castle is no good to those insides. Sometimes you gotta learn the hard way.
        I had to decide which meant more to me: those little burgers and chicken rings w/ honey mustard or me sitting up at night screaming in pain.

        • HeyBooHey

          All true. But those chicken rings?? On a drunken evening?!? My body tells me no but sometimes I gotta say yes

          • TeeChantel

            Girl. Those chicken rings are heavenly.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Until you’re drunk. Then its like magic in your mouth. No matter what the bathroom says.

    • LadyIbaka

      Folks still eat White Castle?!?!?!?!?! i’ve never eaten there, because I was told if you eat there, you get instant diarrhea (sp?!!!)

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I mean..its one of my favorite burgers of choice from childhood. But as an adult you will remember all bathroom conferences, especially the lengthy ones. White Castle owns the crown for lengthy conferences.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    My petty is folks in corporate America and the games they play. I politely throw up my Do Not Disturb when I don’t want to be bothered. No messages can come through.

    My other petty is blocking bugaboos. Call me petty. I don’t have to see (your number), answer not realizing it’s YOU or be bothered. You can go straight to voicemail.

    My last petty. My kid’s dad. He’s been calling and I knew something is up. I had to tell him last week 4 or 5 calls a day is NOT acceptable. I did some digging. He’s got a lawsuit. If he wins I get paid first. Nearly 60K, of course interest included. I told my sister if he wins and I’m paid, I’m blocking him permanently.

    • Siante

      “My next petty is blocking bugaboos.”

      the call blacklist app is a beautiful thing.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Thanks. Never heard of it until now. Lol

  • Lea Thrace

    Also thank yall for interspersing the heartbreaking posts with some light hearted ones like this. I am just so broken from all the awfulness of the world and then yall rebuild me with laughter.

    • MzzPeaches

      Agreed. Calling off Black is not an option this week so I need all the laughter I can get.

      • PhlyyPhree

        I was just telling my coworker that I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY almost did that this morning. Unfortunately, I still need this job for another few weeks, so I didn’t

    • That girl MEL!

      Yes! I agree. We can laugh and be conscious at the same time. And if anyone tell me I can’t, I’m changing their Twitter password cuz … petty.

      Don’t tell me how to feel.

    • panamajackson

      Tell me about it. I got hit up on Twitter yesterday about somebody taking issue with me talking about Drake and Meek Mill and NOT talking about Sandra Bland. I was like…yo…we can do both right? Like…its possible to do multiple things? She felt like the attention to drake was taking away from important matters.

      • miss t-lee

        No. No you can not!!!!!
        Multi-tasking is not allowed!
        EVER!

        #sarcasm

      • Don’t you try to be well-round, ninja. It’s not allowed. #ninjasagainstmultifacetedninjas

        • uniquebeauty79

          that hashtag!!!!

      • Illumina

        See that attitude annoys the shizz out of me. I mean really. It’s one thing to say “hey have you ever thought about doing a post about such and such”. It’s an entirely different situation to demand that you do.

        Even if you hadn’t posted about Sandra Bland, it is well within your right not too. Some people process tragedies differently, and some have a hard time putting their feeling into words.

      • Beauty In Truth
        • DBoySlim

          This is sad

      • carlisias

        Don’t get me started on the “distraction” folks…. Everything can’t be a distraction. Sometimes you need to turn things off and laugh at some trivial bs millionaires are arguing about!

        • inYOface

          #richpeopleproblems

    • StillSuga

      This right here. It’s so needed and necessary. You gotta crack jokes on the way to the march, know what I mean?

    • NOLA_Shawn

      I REALLY NEEDED THIS! Thanks for the temporary distraction. Stay strong ninjas! #BlackLivesMatter

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    I’ll give Panama the props…this nice guy $hit does not pan out. Nigs play too much.

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