7 Great Reasons To Be A Petty Motherfucker » VSB

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7 Great Reasons To Be A Petty Motherfucker

Between Meek Mill, Cornel West, and general niggadry everywhere, pettiness is having the best week ever. Oh, and me too. Let me tell you how. So recently on Twitter, somebody that I know but barely interact with was RTd into my timeline. That’s retweeted for you old people. Which means somebody tweeted something, and somebody else hit a “re-tweet” button which allows that first thing to be seen on the 2nd person’s timeline, which is where tweets show up.

So yes, somebody I barely interact with was RTd into my timeline. In my attempts to get more context into their statement, I clicked on their handle and found that this person had blocked me. Yes, I Panama Dontavious Jackson, not of the Gary, Indiana, Jacksons, has been blocked by a person he knows on Twitter. I touched my hand to my chest and thought outloud, “my nigga, did you micro-aggress me? I think you did.”

Let’s just start at the top. I understand blocking people from viewing your tweets if they harass you. Or threaten you, or any number of malicious things that are done on-line. I can even understand if said person has said something in support of Bill Cosby, the police (no Sting), trans fats, or Donald Trump. There are a zillion reasons to block somebody that make sense. I mean hell, its your Twitter timeline, do with it as you wish. But here’s the rub, it’s fucking dumb to block somebody if your tweets AREN’T PRIVATE. Do you know why? I’ll tell you why. Because a petty nigga like myself will just log out of my personal account (the one that’s blocked), return to Twitter without logging in and read your tweets JUST BECAUSE YOU SPECIFICALLY TRIED TO STOP ME FROM DOING SO.

Because I’m petty like that.

If I read one more tweet than you wanted me to read, I won. And to complete the murder, because I’m petty, I blocked them back. Not because I don’t want them to see what I tweet. I honestly couldn’t care less and my tweets are beautiful and the world should see them. No, I blocked them because they blocked me in the first place. Plus, samesies and shit. My Twitter feed is public. Anybody can read it. Blocking is symbolic, not functional. At least for me it is. I didn’t even know I had been blocked. Blocking this nigga was purely a sign of I see your passive aggression and raise you a petty wap. BECAUSE I CAN STILL SEE YOUR TWEETS, MY NIGGA.

#GameBlouses

Obviously, God ain’t done with me yet. I know this. And I’m constantly working on me. Most of the time. And luckily, God is blessin’ all the trap niggas. But I cannot tell a lie, I’ve got the petty wap in me. Sometimes, you just have to get a minor victory in a war that doesn’t even exist. Most of the time we call this being a woman. Or at least I used to would have said that. Remember, I’m working on me and shit. Point is, you will hear people tell you that you shouldn’t be petty; rise above and shit. I’m here to tell you fuck that. And here are 7 reasons why you should just go on ahead and be petty, b.

1. There is no award for being the bigger person.

I checked. It does not exist. Sure, there are moral victories in life…but did you really achieve a victory if nobody but you knows it? I want to see my numbers in the rafters…the only way I can achieve that is to apply my pettiness, which will be better than yours. Why? Because I’m petty.

2. Being petty actually feels pretty good.

It’s like a minuscule universe correction for some wrong perpetrated against you. And we like corrections. My teachers used to correct my shit all the time, fam. She was petty as fuck. But I’ll bet she got her rocks off pointing out where I was wrong.  For her it was vindication that I didn’t know shit. Vindication feels like vacation. Both feel good. Unless your dad is “on vacation” like Forrest Gump’s dad. That vacation probably wasn’t so hot.

3. Pretty much everybody is petty, even if they swear they aren’t.

Just because you haven’t seen somebody be petty doesn’t mean they aren’t. There are a lot of solo villains running rampant in these streets letting air out of tires and putting bananas in tailpipes because somebody didn’t text back quick enough. People love to claim to be better than they are. People suck. So just know, if the opportunity exists for a person to come at you with that Tom Petty, its more than likely about to be a heartbreaker. See what I did there?

4. Here’s an example of petty. Say you’re asleep with your significant other or random person who is asleep next to you. The person doesn’t matter really. Say they keep pulling all of the covers off of you and in a fit of petty – and after they’ve done it enough to truly annoy you – you get up take the all of the covers and throw them bitches smooth out the window. Now nobody has covers. But you’re not cold. The heat from your boiling blood will keep you warm at night (since your degrees won’t! ZING!) while your significant other is pissed AND cold for the rest of the night. Petty? Absolutely. Okay? Absolutely. Why? Because sometimes folks don’t respect your feelings until you lob the petty at them.

5. Similarly, sometimes people don’t understand something is a problem until you SHOW them its a problem. Usually by being petty.

For instance. Say somebody never closes the cupboards when they get a glass or plate out of one. They just leave buss it wide open. This is an odd problem, but a problem nonetheless. But you ask them to remember. They either forget (possibly) or don’t care enough to not do it again (likely). Well, there’s really only one solution, but it’s petty.

You have to go to their home and open up every single cupboard, door, and window (unless they live in the hood, you want them to learn, not get robbed…nobody learns lessons when they get robbed DURING the lesson). For weeks. Every day. Until they get the lesson. That shit is petty as fuck, but they gon’ learn.

6. Because God ain’t done with you yet.

While he’s out blessin’ all of the trap niggas, you might get into some situation that makes you want to be petty. Well, its not your fault. If God was done with you, you’d be good. But he isn’t so you’re not. Do you, boo.

7. Some folks just deserve it.

You break my shit, and don’t care. That’s cool. It was just something that mattered a lot to me, no biggie. Oops, I ain’t mean to knock over your aquarium and step on Nemo. Nigga.

That’s actually pretty cruel. Let’s try again.

You almost run me over with your late model Benz. And look at me like I was in your way when the nice digital luminescent white man directing traffic at the crosswalk I’m standing in told me to go. Aight, b. Cool. You don’t REALLY need that Benz emblem on your car. It was just gonna get fucked up in a car wash anyway. Thanks, bruh bruh.

Because petty.

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • miss t-lee

    I’m glad to know I’m not alone in my petty.
    Y’all merely adopted the petty, I was born in it, molded by it.
    As the church folks say, “God knows my heart”.
    *snickers*

    • Epsilonicus

      Nice Batman reference. It made me smile

      • miss t-lee

        *daps*

    • CrankUpThe_AC

      lol i said that in the Bane voice.

      • miss t-lee

        I hope you did. :)

  • KB

    I support pettiness.

  • HeyBooHey

    Every day serves as an opportunity to shock the world with my pettiness and I strive to deliver accordingly whenever possible. I see it as walking in my purpose

    • miss t-lee

      I’m going to adopt this as well.

    • haute_coutoy

      awesome, someone with a common purpose!! #teampetty #alldayallday

  • Brass Tacks

    Now this is timely! Just the other day, I was wishing I had the ability to make people think they had to sneeze. Not actually complete the sneeze mind you (because then they would receive a bless you and I cant have anyone but me benefiting from my pettiness), but that annoying tickle in the back of the nasal passages that creates a permanent stank face.

    Imagine eating, drinking, and taking selfies with someone who constantly looks like they are about to blow snot all over your fun times…yea… petty

  • Chaud

    Pettiness is cleansing for the soul, therapeutic and oooh such a good feeling. #PettyWap lives in me.

  • cakes_and_pies

    I support pettiness, but you wrote a whole post about a non-mf factor and he got you to log out of your own account just to see what he tweeted. Is that a win?

    • panamajackson

      I only logged out to see what he tweeted ‘pacifically b/c i wasn’t supposed to. It was purely to win the game. Sometimes you have to do more than you should in order to win. but at the end of the day, the win felt good.

    • Tristan

      Frank Underwood got passed up for a job and became President instead, petty wins.

  • Missus Maxwell

    Yaaassss! I am here for all of this! My petty is strong. I’m very choosy about when to unleash it, but I own it fully. Don’t call yourself not speaking to me when I see you. Why? Because I’m gonna go all out of my way to say hi to you…loudly…in front of other people…in a really sincere ‘hey, wassup’ kind of way…so that if YOU don’t speak back, you look like the petty one, not me.

    • That girl MEL!

      Oh I LOVE a ‘you don’t want to speak to me’ but all your friend love me – type of petty situation.

      • miss t-lee

        That’s when you gotta say HEYYYYYYYYY all extra loud…lol

    • miss t-lee

      “Don’t call yourself not speaking to me when I see you. Why? Because I’m gonna go all out of my way to say hi to you…loudly…in front of other people…”

      I do this daily here at work.

      • Keisha

        Me too!!! I take great pleasure in it…especially the people that try to stare at the floor or wall when passing in the hallway to avoid speaking. :-)

        • miss t-lee

          *daps*

    • C Taborn

      My petty in a similar situation is some chick telling her man not to talk to me ’cause she thinks I want him and his stupid friends telling me about it (I’m like I’m too old for whatever nonsense she was on about) BUT my pettiness would not be denied so at a bbq where they were had me ignoring him ’cause I ain’t supposed to speak to him & her having to watch him constantly trying to talk to me instead of her ’cause he thought her jealousy/insecurity was good for his ego. He learned that day that his ego was no match for my petty.

    • Tracy

      My petty would be throwing a full can of beer at you….if I wanted to speak to you, I would have…#mypettyhurts

  • Vanity in Peril

    Yeah, that was some Petty Pendergrass arsed pettiness there. Normally I’d say take that pettiness to the high seas and make it crip walk the plank but tis the season for petty and I’m suddenly into it.

  • I try not to be petty but when I do I utilize a Powell Doctrine like approach.

    1. Did this person(s) shots at me come out of nowhere?
    1(a). If I’m just chilling and you come for me I will react with full-force. (see: I was over here chilling and you brought some b.s. into my lap. You get what I feel like handing back to you simply because you inconvenienced me.
    2 Do I have a withdrawal point?
    3. Do I have anything to lose?
    4. Am I already agitated by something that happened prior to this?

    If all of these things occur then yeah, it might be on.

    • Question

      Numbers 3 and 4 are a bad combination. I have nothing to lose AND I’m pre-agitated? I think numbers 3 and 4 are the reason why bad news delivered by airline and TSA personnel are almost guaranteed to lead to full displays of pettiness when I’m at the airport.

    • PhlyyPhree

      Look here. I tell EVERYONE, I don’t have a filter and I dont back down.
      I am the person who will bring a warhead to a knife fight.
      I simply do not care. I have already weighed all possible consequences that could EVER happen and come to the same Fukless conclusion, so if you choose to engage me?
      It’s on you.

    • I had this happen with a chick that was a jump off. I was at this function talking to people, plotting my next move when she jumps out and brings up something I *might* have done accidentally 7 months prior. I had to tell her about herself, then block her and her number. Wait… You jumping on people because your man told you to?

      • mmmm…wow, Todd.

        • Long story short, it was a white woman who got with a racist dude, and decided to chew me out as a way of trying to dispell any talk of us being together and keep dude around.

  • Vanity in Peril

    I was petty w the girl at Dunkino Donatos today. Normally she’s very friendly but she had some attitude problem today and a sis aint like the way she handed me my bagel bag so I leaned into her on the counter, smiled with all the emptiness of a Donald Trump tweet and whispered, ” Your make up looks real nice…today” #tompetty #pettywoman #dontcomeforme #blessyoheartnfuqueyocouchnucka

    • miss t-lee

      the “today” is what made it sting.

      • Vanity in Peril

        I was gonna come for the unfleekiness of her eyebrows but attacks on badly drawn on eyebrows are the very definition of “when keeping it real goes wrong”

        • miss t-lee

          Had a lady once tell me that I had “such a pretty face”, so I had to respond back, “unlike those shoes you’re wearing”.
          It’s only right.

          • Vanity in Peril

            Sheeeeeeit

            • miss t-lee

              Don’t backhand compliment me and think I ain’t going for the jugular.

          • Boo Radley

            Pretty much.

            • miss t-lee

              She tried to do me mayne. I wanted to tell her “b*tch I’m fine all over”, but I refrained…lol

        • Nigras

          Plus she might spit in your coffee next time. That would be petty for the win.

        • Siante

          you could’ve asked, “so what eye pencil do use for your brows?” (w/ a smile & seemingly interested) and when she told you the brand you could’ve been like “oh, ok” & just walked away………………

          of course you’d have to quit that location after that.

          • Vanity in Peril

            Jajajaja

    • That girl MEL!

      dunkino donatos!!!! ????

    • Lea Thrace

      This was so flawless.

    • You are brave for being petty with a person that deals with your food on a regular basis.

      • miss t-lee

        True.
        I’d have to find a new spot after that…lol

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Mmm hmmm, it would have be my last time there or allowing her to prepare my order.

      • Vanity in Peril

        Yeah, I go out of my way to get bagels there bc the mgr and staff are black but…

      • JanuaryBabe

        Exactly!!!!

    • PhlyyPhree

      #blessyourheartandfuqueyourcouch.

      That’s all I’m here for.

      Oh and you were quite petty.

    • LMAO

      There’s a 99.9% chance that anyone saying “Your ________ looks so (insert positive adj. here)” is lying and this confirmed it for me.

      • I used to have a manager that would tell people…” Thats great – if thats the best you can do.”

        • PhlyyPhree

          I would have definitely pushed him down some stairs one day

        • LyricMeThis

          Wow, I could not have worked there lol

        • JanuaryBabe

          LOL!!!! Sound like she call you a “short yellow bus rider!”

        • CrankUpThe_AC

          That is some Grade A shade right there lol

      • Aly

        Oh. :(

      • Lea Thrace

        The “today” modifier is what makes it sting though.

        Like Bish whet? You saying I’m ugly all other days but got lucky today?!

        • Aly

          I swear something like that would go over my head lol. I always think people are being sincere if they give me a compliment. Guess I need to pay better attention.

          • I always think that people are being genuine when they give a compliment.

        • Siante

          I love the “today” compliments, I always give it right back so I can watch them squirm at the same “compliment” they tried to give me^_^.

    • Nahknee_nanee

      Was she black? Maybe she wanted to call in black too.

      • Vanity in Peril

        She was. And I stan for all my sisters but y’all aint see the way she barely handed me that bag of bagel. Plus she made the man behind me’s bagel b4 mine when I paid first, knowing full well I cut my commute to work way to close for cutsies. It’s work not being petty.

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