6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking

maybe now is the best time to tell him that the penis snuggie he rocks before sex creeps me out

two things immediately came to mind when news of elin nordegren’s 9 figure settlement came to light last week:

***btw, am i the only one who thinks that elin’s people intentionally leaked that ludicrous 750 number just so people would be like “oh, that’s actually fair and reasonable.” when the real (and still f*cking ludicrous) settlement figure came out? it’s like the guy who asks his girl if they can have an open relationship, knows he’s going to get shot down, gets shot down, and then follows it up with “well, can you start swallowing at least?” because he knows she’ll probably think “well, that’s not too bad. i guess i can start doing that.“***

a) in college, i was once asked by one of my assistant coaches during an especially spirited practice to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive i was threatened with the possibility of being kicked out of practice and the chance that i might have to return at 5am the next morning to do suicides for an hour.

tiger woods asked his ex-wife to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive she was given 100 million dollars.

f*ck earth.

b) tiger’s tale further validates one of the most important tenets of relationships: never f*ck/committ to/marry someone who has much, much less to lose than you do. while i’m not a huge proponent of people always needing to be “equally yoked”, it makes no sense spending valuable time and energy busting off in empty eggshells.

tiger actually breaks this rule twice (marrying a viking nanny and cheating on said viking nanny with the only 53 white women in america actually lower on the status totem pole than viking nannies), proving once in for all that overachieving is best left for libertarians, jets fans, and rapists.

anyway, “they have nothing to lose. you have everything to lose” takes the number one spot on “6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking”, a list that (if made viral) might do more to curb crime-fighting than any other ledger ever posted on vsb.

here’s the rest

2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex

you’d think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t be blowing him at dusk every day if you still can’t muster the courage to tell him that he might be a diabetic because his semen tastes like maple syrup” would go without saying. you’d also think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t give 29 year old shooting guards 120 million dollar contracts if you actually want to win a championship this millennium” would also go without saying, but apparently some sh*t really needs to be said.

3. the sex really f*cking sucks

while awkward new relationship sex is perfectly understandable as you learn each others rhythms, likes, and dislikes, if a period of time has passed and you still would rather watch paint f*ck than sleep with your mate, maybe it’s time to have a “no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender” summit. i mean, if your man’s steak marinade give you amoebic dysentery every time you ate it, don’t you think it would be a good idea to chill with the grilling until he bought some new ingredients?

4. if you have to lie to people about your relationship

before j.l. king ruined the phrase “the down low” (btw, between “the down low”, “partner”, and the rainbow, someone needs to make a list of all the words and phrases the gay mafia has hijacked from the straight lexicon. i’d do it myself, but i’m scared that they’ll decide to hijack “champ” as retaliation.), being in a down low relationship had a bit of a subversive and edgy coolness to it.  you were on the down low, and nobody had to know about your late night creep.

but, although nobody really needs to know all of your adult business, as you get a bit older you start to realize how wack it is to sleep with someone if you (for whatever reason) feel the need to lie about the fact that you’re sleeping with them.

5. if a potential pregnancy would ruin your life

***taken from “the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete“***

from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.

a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”

b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”

there’d be no need for vsb (or police) if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”

6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm

would you ask a homeless man how to dunk? would you buy ten speed for a midget? would you ask a chicken how to shave? of course not.

i’m getting off track here, but the point remains that if you’re not comfortable enough with your own body to get yourself off, how the hell can you expect someone else to, and what type of sadist must you be to subject someone to that?

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that someone either shouldn’t or just aint ready to be in a sexual relationship? in tiger’s case, would it have been cheaper to keep or kill her?

also, am i the only one in utter awe of the omnipotence of the gay illuminati?

—the champ

  • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

    Lebron James is kind of a diva.

    • ComicBookGuy

      What a way to start the night, Cheeks, but I would have to agree.

    • SimplisElegance

      I’ll never cease to be amazed at how you ALWAYS do this Cheekie
      Annnnywho,

      THE LAST AIRBENDER WAS HORRIBLE I wish someone would pay off M. Knight Shamalan with a life time supply of curry noodles to take his ass on somewhere and stop directing films…..

      But back on topic…
      I never thought about the dynamic between partners like this…and now that I am it makes perfect sense. I have some relationship evaluating to do lol

      But to add to the list:

      If you don’t trust his/her sexual background anymore than you can throw a fat woman strapped down over an 18-wheeler with two midgets in the back seat…you prob shouldn’t be f*ckin or in a relationship.

      I say this cause instincts are usually right and if you think s/he might have something or has been around the block a good hundred times odds are he/she probably has and you should prob take a few steps back. I mean there is protection and all but ioono, I’m paranoid as all hell and contraceptive devices CAN break….ioonoo

      • shatani

        i saw the last airbender for free and i STILL want my money back! and that ending set up at least two more damn movies….aint that about a b*tch!

      • miss t-lee

        What’s so bad is M. Night’s career peaked with his first movie and went completely downhill and off a cliff after that. I haven’t seen the latest movie, I stopped trying after The Happening (can’t remember if that’s the right title, only saw half of it.)

      • Shay

        All that and the lead role was supposed to be Asian role…and he cast a white guy instead. But,..Asian as the evil bad guy? Yep. SMH. M. Knight Shamyalan is an Indian guy too. You’d think he would have done more to have an Asian guy cast in the lead role.

        • blisslife

          Same casting scenario with Prince of Persia. I can’t believe you.

      • LaBakir

        :(

        The Last Airbender was THAT bad??!!!

        *weeps*

        • ComicBookGuy

          I know, girl. The reviews I had been reading were horrible, but to her some VSSs say that is bad I am not going to see it now. I was the cartoon last night and it made me sad know that movie is getting trashed. I can only hope that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World lives up to the kookiness in the comic.

          • http://earsandlps.blogspot.com/ LaBakir

            @ComicBookGuy

            I really had high hopes for that film. I guess I’ll catch it on DVD or something. I mean, I haven’t heard ANYBODY say they liked it.

          • Sixfootdiva

            It was REALLY that bad. Had to hit the guy that took me to see it. HOT garbage.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I wish someone would pay off M. Knight Shamalan with a life time supply of curry noodles to take his ass on somewhere and stop directing films…..”

        gotdamn, lol. this was some racist-ass sh*t.

        • SimplisElegance

          LOL I’m sorry, I was hella ranting. But Avatar is one of my fav shows so for M Shamalan to screw the film up soooo royally really angers me (as you can tell lol)

    • Mr. Gundam

      I just would like to say its funny hearing people(Famous, Rich people) from NY openly asking for Lebron to play for the Knicks.

    • P.

      I hope he comes out like “f*ck the NBA, I’m going back to school to get my degree” and completely screws EVERYBODY up.

      But honestly, I wish the dude would just sign somewhere. A ninja joining Twitter is not f*cking newsworthy – yes, I’m looking at you, E-Spin.

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

        “I hope he comes out like “f*ck the NBA, I’m going back to school to get my degree” and completely screws EVERYBODY up.”

        That would be the best thing since sliced toast.

        • SimplisElegance

          I concur
          And yeah, he got a Twitter SO WHAT?!

          • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

            * I loved Joe Budden’s prediction that LeBron James would sign with Young Money.

            * Shameless plug: I found this http://bit.ly/LBJFail hilarious LeBron parody video

    • Keisha Brown

      im OFFICIALLY over that dude. #wakemewhenNFLseasonstarts.

      • http://uphereoncloud9.com/ Wu Young Agent of M.E.

        @Keisha Brown

        I’ll take the NFL’s crime sprees and the overall suckage of my Raiders any day over NBA free agent talk. I need to see some poor third string cornerback get his bell rung on kick coverage like now.

        • Keisha Brown

          @ Wu Young…
          AMEN. When Im home, my tv is on NFL network. Watched the Chargers/Colts 2007 game the other day.

          Your thoughts on JaMarcus sippin on the sizzurp?

          • http://uphereoncloud9.com Wu Young Agent of M.E.

            @ Keisha Brown

            Not shocked by him doing something that stupid. Dumb negro doing dumb negro ish. I’m just glad the Raiders were ahead of the curve when it comes to getting rid of someone for once. That was Al’s best front office move since drafting Tim Brown in 1988.

            I’m ready for college football to start too.

            Who is your squad?

          • Keisha Brown

            @Wu
            im an eagles fan. as painful as it can be.
            i have totally fallen off college ball. watched when i was younger and there was only 5 major bowls.
            i am boycotting until they get a playoff system.

          • miss t-lee

            “Your thoughts on JaMarcus sippin on the sizzurp?”

            It makes sense, that’s why that dude blowed up so dayum fast. That’s what happens.

          • http://uphereoncloud9.com/ Wu Young

            @Keisha Brown

            Come on you can’t boycott college ball. Watch some SEC games.

          • Keisha Brown

            @Wu: i only do college basketball. and by college basketball i mean march madness. lol. i have a cycle:

            sept-feb – nfl.
            march – ncaa bbb
            apr – june – nba playoffs
            july-aug: celebrate summer!! yeeeeeah!
            sept..start all over again.

            exceptions: i watched some hockey this year. (yes..i am a canadian and i dont watch hockey. lol). and of course the olympics. i normally dont do winter olympics, but when your country is the host – you get caught up in it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Lebron James is kind of a diva.

      as much of a lebron fan as i am, i’d have to agree. he clearly loves attention.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @The Champ -

        yeah, i can’t blame him though. since he was like 6 years old attention has been heaped on him from every corner of his life.

        at first i didnt give a flying f*ck about the press conference, but now that Bosh is going to Miami with Wade…um…Bron?? now what iz you gon’ do? his only legit option now for real is to go to Chicago if he wants to win.

        • Sixfootdiva

          He can come on to Chicago. We’ll accept him! I’m sure the Red Carpet will be rolled on out for him.

          • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

            I can see Mayor Daley’s pandering arse now…

          • lola289

            Derrick Rose needs the support…

            *Waves* hi everybody! :-)

        • Mr. Gundam

          Heat fans are giving High-fives to everyone in Miami right now

          *Lucky SOB’s*

        • Mo

          I officially hate Bosh for signing with Miami because I highly doubt that Bron is gonna stay in Cleveland. As a native Ohioan, I have to say I hate all Ohio teams, except Ohio State, for THIS exact reason…ninjas managing the teams don’t know how to maximize options.

          Indians…FAIL!
          Browns…FAIL!
          Reds…FAIL!

          And now it’s gonna be Cavs…FAIL, if he leaves. Hate f*cking Ohio teams…never gonna win nothing! Ugh! (personal rant, sorry)

      • V Renee

        As one of my FB friends said “Why the fugg does he need an hour long press conference to announce where he’s playing? He isn’t about to give a State of the Unioin address, is he?”

        • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

          My coworker said the same thing. How many different ways can you say, “I’m going ____” or “I’m staying.”??

          • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

            V Renee – the reason for that 1 hr block: he convinced ESPN to let him sell advertising.

  • Knightnick

    Cosign #3 and #4, had to quiet a bit of #4 in a past life.

    Was this “hey, you probably shouldn’t give 29 year old shooting guards 120 million dollar contracts if you actually want to win a championship this millennium”, a shot at Joe Johnson? if so, I agree. He’s no Kobe.

    • http://twitter.com/_brandoc Brando

      A much needed shot at Joe Johnson. Dude averaged 13 PPG as the #1 option during the 2nd round against the Magic and they got swept, beaten by 20+ points in every single game. His reward? 6 years, 119 million.

      Meanwhile, Paul Pierce went against that same Magic squad a round later and put up 24 PPG. His reward? 4 years, 61 million.

      Now you know why the Hawks are the Hawks and the Celtics were just one 6-for-24 Kobe Bryant performance and missing Kendrick Perkins from beating the Lakers. And you wonder why the NBA claims it’s almost broke.

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/women-as-pokemon-and-other-things-i-have-never-finished-writing/ Dash

        The new CBA could prevent horrible deals like this and save stupid owners and GMs from themselves.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “The new CBA could prevent horrible deals like this and save stupid owners and GMs from themselves.”

          its crazy to think that these people–most of whom made money by being shrewd businessmen (or criminals)–let that shrewdness turn to sh*t when handing out contracts.

          • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/2010/07/07/a-twinge-of-envy/ Dash

            Being a successful business man, especially a self-made successful one, often requires an individual to sacrifice commonsense. A lot of owners of sports teams owners were more fortunately foolish than shrewd, and that carries over to how they run their franchises.

  • Andi

    Top 5 FTW!!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      way to have lowered expectations, lol. you’re like the rest of the PGA before tiger started sucking

  • afrolista

    “no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender”
    yes! that movie was awful, m.knight shama(however you spell it) is getting a very angry letter from me very soon. effed up one of my fav cartoons!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      honestly, i haven’t seen the movie (and don’t plan to). i just included that line on the strength of the unanimously sh*tty reviews it’s been getting

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @afrolista- one of my boys went to go see it and when i ran into him, dude was visibly angered and irate. i thought he had been hassled by cops or something. nope, he was ANGRY at how bad it was.

      damn near inconsolable too.

      • SimplisElegance

        Bwahaha this sounds like my bf
        *bf and I walk out of the movie*

        Bf: That movie was f*ckin horrible! M Knight Shamalan f*ucked that movie up! Ugh, I’m pissed.

        Me: It’s ok baby, lets go home and I’ll find a way to make you feel better *wink*

        Bf: Nah, I’m not in the mood. I’m too upset

        Me: *stares wide-eyed in disbelief” Walks off….

  • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/leviticus-awkward-moments-and-fire-greens/ Dash

    You shouldn’t be piping her if she/he is your professor, supervisor, or pastor.

    You shouldn’t be piping if she is the mother of the star running back on the Pop Warner team you coach, and regularly wager on. If you anger her she may yank him from the team.

    You shouldn’t be piping if she has a single permanent open-faced gold tooth.

    That is all I have for now.

    • bougiefruit

      Pastor?

      That’s so wrong (therefore you are completely right). Your palpitations in church should be from the word not remembering how Big Daddy Pastor up there laid it down last night…smh.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Dash – these sound personal.

      • Sula

        I would say. :lol:

    • Jai

      You shouldn’t be piping if he is your professor

      Depends, is this before or after midterm grades have been posted?

      • sanen85

        Your avatar is making me chuckle.

      • V Renee

        Snickering @ Jai!

    • Jhane Sez

      “You shouldn’t be piping her if she/he is your professor, supervisor, or pastor.”

      Let’s add no dating at the family dinner table. Morgan Freeman ~JS

  • http://acford.blogspot.com A.C. Ford

    #6 is a BIG one for women.

    I’ve had female friends who had sexual experiences with a man before they had one with themselves and it seemed to have warped their idea of what sex is. They almost felt like having sex with a man was just doing him a favor and their pleasure didn’t matter.

    My ex-roommate gets more play than any other girl I know, and she recently confessed to me that she believes that all she has to do is lay there and her partner should “take care of his business.” Does this mean that guys like the girl who just lays there? Cause they sure do keep coming back to her.

    Am I scaring guys away by wiggling my hips, holding on tight, and taking a ride?

    • Kirk Lazarus

      Does this mean that guys like the girl who just lays there?

      No this just means your ex-roomate must be fine! Dudes will put up with a lot of dumb stuff to say he knocked down the fine chick.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “No this just means your ex-roomate must be fine! Dudes will put up with a lot of dumb stuff to say he knocked down the fine chick.”

        ***nodding head***

      • Mr SoBo

        Either fine as hell, or her honey pot is so vice grippingly good she doesn’t have to do anything. Or it could just simply mean she is conveniently available which is why cats keep coming back to piss in the same alley.

        “Am I scaring guys away by wiggling my hips, holding on tight, and taking a ride?”
        Any man that is scared of this is an ice cream man in my book, and you don’t want an ice cream man.
        So long as you keep a good timing and rhythm, you keep doing yo thang sistah.

    • coldsweat3

      I mean if the door opens we shall enter. The real question is if she is getting the same guys to keep coming back. Aint nothing worse than a boring f****!

      Keep doing your stuff sistah and dont take your friends advice!

    • Veronica

      “I’ve had female friends who had sexual experiences with a man before they had one with themselves and it seemed to have warped their idea of what sex is. They almost felt like having sex with a man was just doing him a favor and their pleasure didn’t matter.”

      This makes me so. Damn. Sad.

      Which brings me to… You prolly shouldn’t be shucking if you have two completely different views on sex.

      i.e. “This is gonna be fun! Let’s enjoy tonight!” vs. “This means you and me are “we” foreva… foreva eva? Foreva eva?”

      or… “Let’s play and explore each other’s bodies” vs. “Let me just get this nut off.”

      It also reminds me that men and women are often socialized in COMPLETELY different ways when it comes to sex… which is probably why we end up having to write “Signs You Shouldn’t Be Fucking” lists in the first place.

    • V Renee

      My ex-roommate gets more play than any other girl I know, and she recently confessed to me that she believes that all she has to do is lay there and her partner should “take care of his business.” .

      Is your ex-roomie Kim K?

      • http://acford.blogspot.com A.C. Ford

        At the risk of sounding like a hater: Not even close.

  • coldsweat3

    Great post champ. I had to develop a exit strategy recently because of #2,#3,#5b & #6 all were wrapped into one person….

    Give us us free!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      Great post champ. I had to develop a exit strategy recently because of #2,#3,#5b & #6 all were wrapped into one person….

      how the hell does this even happen?

      • coldsweat3

        I believe they call it deceit. You cant roll up in f* me pumps on date 1 straight banging 5’5 caramel skin tone ONLYYYYYYYYYYY to turn out to be the

        2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex ………..She was a very shy chick who only had a few partners. Scared of the notion of giving head(but she did eventually teefs lotsa teefs smh).

        3. the sex really f*cking sucks…..I dont know if i was able to get past the whack head but she was scared to initiate sex even admitted she was bashful and would just rub my leg(so silly) when she wanted some D. Always had this surprised/nervous look on her face as if to say “am i doing this right, did he just say turn over which way do go?!?!” Afraid to make noise or shout so would litterally clasp her hands over mouth or make CRAZY sounds as if i was hitting a special ed chick “eh eh(random ceizure hand move)”

        5b….im too young to have a child its never okay all women might have to die if they were carrying my seed.

        6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm….She was bashful/shy and didnt feel comfortable touching herself she felt it was something wrong with doing that….

        And then I stopped calling her…..

      • coldsweat3

        I believe they call it deceit. You cant roll up in f* me pumps on date 1 straight banging 5’5 caramel skin tone ONLYYYYYYYYYYY to turn out to be the

        2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex ………..She was a very shy chick who only had a few partners. Scared of the notion of giving head(but she did eventually teefs lotsa teefs smh).

        3. the sex really f*cking sucks…..I dont know if i was able to get past the whack head but she was scared to initiate sex even admitted she was bashful and would just rub my leg(so silly) when she wanted some D. Always had this surprised/nervous look on her face as if to say “am i doing this right, did he just say turn over which way do go?!?!”

        5b….im too young to have a child its never okay all women might have to die if they were carrying my seed.

        6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm….She was bashful/shy and didnt feel comfortable touching herself she felt it was something wrong with doing that….

        And then I stopped calling her…..

  • miss t-lee

    Maple syrup? Bwahahaha. Champie you’re a fool. This list pretty much gold. Dayum 5b– made me think of that Rae Carruth dude from a few years back. Craziness. My contribution, if you’re a dude and you still don’t fully realize that a chick can still get pregnant in spite of ya’ll using condoms and birth control. You sir, definitely should not be f*cking. There’s always a potential for conception. That’s based on the true story of my homeboy who swore up and down that this chick was “trying to pin a baby on him”. I asked him, “um, did you f*ck her?” He’s like “uh yeah. But we used condoms so I know it aint mine.” Alrighty then player. Then a few months later the DNA came back 99.9% his. *snickering*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      lol, yeah. i should have put a pic of rae carruth at the top of the entry

    • MO

      ^^^^^^^THIS!

      I have always hated the Mofo’s who come with the lame, “I got pregnant using condoms, birth control, wet suits, and sh*t.”

      Lies! All lies! I can see how at times things happen and it’s a surprise. But, we all had some form of sex ed and we all should know how kids are made. You do the deed, and regardless of precautions, it can happen. Period!

      And the more I hear about folks saying they used birth control in any form and they still ended up with kids (mutliple times), the more I’m convinced that all of humanity is doomed.

  • http://www.lolagetslife.blogspot.com lola gets

    If you cant have the safer sex discussion with a partner, you shouldnt be fukkin. If dude puts the condom on with no guff, then that shouldnt be a problem. But the instant hes slow to get the package, balks, starts trying to sneak it in, or hits you with that “let me just put the head in” shyt, you need to pull him up and check him! If you cant do that, if you cant protect yourself from HIV and other STDs, you dont need to be having no kinda sex.

    L

    • SimplisElegance

      CO-FRICKIN-SIGN

    • http://twitter.com/bsquared86 BSQUARED86

      Exactly.

      • Keisha Brown

        hey Bsquared – how did you get your vsb name linked to your twitter page?

        • http://twitter.com/bsquared86 BSQUARED86

          My bad for the late response! I hope you see this.

          In the comment field where it lists “website” I just put the complete URL to my twitter (including the http part). That’s what makes my name the link.

    • Keisha Brown

      im sad it took this long for this to be mentioned.
      gold star for lola gets.

    • http://www.pinchmycheekie.blogspot.com Cheekie

      Yes ma’am! Socially conscious comment of the day goes to…

      *gives lola dap*

  • Miles Ellison

    #6 is the essence of the issue. You can’t expect someone else to learn about what gets you off if you aren’t willing to find out on your own.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      welcome and sh*t, miles ellison. way to have a cool-ass sounding name, btw. it sounds like a character richard roundtree would have played in a heist movie called “blackies revenge”

      • Miles Ellison

        I think I’ll start writing the screenplay right now……….