- maybe now is the best time to tell him that the penis snuggie he rocks before sex creeps me out
two things immediately came to mind when news of elin nordegren’s 9 figure settlement came to light last week:
***btw, am i the only one who thinks that elin’s people intentionally leaked that ludicrous 750 number just so people would be like “oh, that’s actually fair and reasonable.” when the real (and still f*cking ludicrous) settlement figure came out? it’s like the guy who asks his girl if they can have an open relationship, knows he’s going to get shot down, gets shot down, and then follows it up with “well, can you start swallowing at least?” because he knows she’ll probably think “well, that’s not too bad. i guess i can start doing that.“***
a) in college, i was once asked by one of my assistant coaches during an especially spirited practice to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive i was threatened with the possibility of being kicked out of practice and the chance that i might have to return at 5am the next morning to do suicides for an hour.
tiger woods asked his ex-wife to shut the f*ck up. as an incentive she was given 100 million dollars.
f*ck earth.
b) tiger’s tale further validates one of the most important tenets of relationships: never f*ck/committ to/marry someone who has much, much less to lose than you do. while i’m not a huge proponent of people always needing to be “equally yoked”, it makes no sense spending valuable time and energy busting off in empty eggshells.
tiger actually breaks this rule twice (marrying a viking nanny and cheating on said viking nanny with the only 53 white women in america actually lower on the status totem pole than viking nannies), proving once in for all that overachieving is best left for libertarians, jets fans, and rapists.
anyway, “they have nothing to lose. you have everything to lose” takes the number one spot on “6 signs that you probably shouldn’t be f*cking”, a list that (if made viral) might do more to curb crime-fighting than any other ledger ever posted on vsb.
here’s the rest
2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex
you’d think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t be blowing him at dusk every day if you still can’t muster the courage to tell him that he might be a diabetic because his semen tastes like maple syrup” would go without saying. you’d also think that “hey, you probably shouldn’t give 29 year old shooting guards 120 million dollar contracts if you actually want to win a championship this millennium” would also go without saying, but apparently some sh*t really needs to be said.
3. the sex really f*cking sucks
while awkward new relationship sex is perfectly understandable as you learn each others rhythms, likes, and dislikes, if a period of time has passed and you still would rather watch paint f*ck than sleep with your mate, maybe it’s time to have a “no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender” summit. i mean, if your man’s steak marinade give you amoebic dysentery every time you ate it, don’t you think it would be a good idea to chill with the grilling until he bought some new ingredients?
4. if you have to lie to people about your relationship
before j.l. king ruined the phrase “the down low” (btw, between “the down low”, “partner”, and the rainbow, someone needs to make a list of all the words and phrases the gay mafia has hijacked from the straight lexicon. i’d do it myself, but i’m scared that they’ll decide to hijack “champ” as retaliation.), being in a down low relationship had a bit of a subversive and edgy coolness to it. you were on the down low, and nobody had to know about your late night creep.
but, although nobody really needs to know all of your adult business, as you get a bit older you start to realize how wack it is to sleep with someone if you (for whatever reason) feel the need to lie about the fact that you’re sleeping with them.
5. if a potential pregnancy would ruin your life
***taken from “the lightbulb: 8 simple inner “voila!” statements that would make vsb (and every other relationship advice website) obsolete“***
from a man’s perspective, there are two distinct types of mental reactions to unplanned pregnancies.
a) “well, even though we weren’t expecting this, we can make this work”
b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”
there’d be no need for vsb (or police) if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”
6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm
would you ask a homeless man how to dunk? would you buy ten speed for a midget? would you ask a chicken how to shave? of course not.
i’m getting off track here, but the point remains that if you’re not comfortable enough with your own body to get yourself off, how the hell can you expect someone else to, and what type of sadist must you be to subject someone to that?
people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that someone either shouldn’t or just aint ready to be in a sexual relationship? in tiger’s case, would it have been cheaper to keep or kill her?
also, am i the only one in utter awe of the omnipotence of the gay illuminati?
—the champ
Lebron James is kind of a diva.
What a way to start the night, Cheeks, but I would have to agree.
I’ll never cease to be amazed at how you ALWAYS do this Cheekie
Annnnywho,
THE LAST AIRBENDER WAS HORRIBLE I wish someone would pay off M. Knight Shamalan with a life time supply of curry noodles to take his ass on somewhere and stop directing films…..
But back on topic…
I never thought about the dynamic between partners like this…and now that I am it makes perfect sense. I have some relationship evaluating to do lol
But to add to the list:
If you don’t trust his/her sexual background anymore than you can throw a fat woman strapped down over an 18-wheeler with two midgets in the back seat…you prob shouldn’t be f*ckin or in a relationship.
I say this cause instincts are usually right and if you think s/he might have something or has been around the block a good hundred times odds are he/she probably has and you should prob take a few steps back. I mean there is protection and all but ioono, I’m paranoid as all hell and contraceptive devices CAN break….ioonoo
i saw the last airbender for free and i STILL want my money back! and that ending set up at least two more damn movies….aint that about a b*tch!
What’s so bad is M. Night’s career peaked with his first movie and went completely downhill and off a cliff after that. I haven’t seen the latest movie, I stopped trying after The Happening (can’t remember if that’s the right title, only saw half of it.)
All that and the lead role was supposed to be Asian role…and he cast a white guy instead. But,..Asian as the evil bad guy? Yep. SMH. M. Knight Shamyalan is an Indian guy too. You’d think he would have done more to have an Asian guy cast in the lead role.
Same casting scenario with Prince of Persia. I can’t believe you.
The Last Airbender was THAT bad??!!!
*weeps*
I know, girl. The reviews I had been reading were horrible, but to her some VSSs say that is bad I am not going to see it now. I was the cartoon last night and it made me sad know that movie is getting trashed. I can only hope that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World lives up to the kookiness in the comic.
@ComicBookGuy
I really had high hopes for that film. I guess I’ll catch it on DVD or something. I mean, I haven’t heard ANYBODY say they liked it.
It was REALLY that bad. Had to hit the guy that took me to see it. HOT garbage.
“I wish someone would pay off M. Knight Shamalan with a life time supply of curry noodles to take his ass on somewhere and stop directing films…..”
gotdamn, lol. this was some racist-ass sh*t.
LOL I’m sorry, I was hella ranting. But Avatar is one of my fav shows so for M Shamalan to screw the film up soooo royally really angers me (as you can tell lol)
I just would like to say its funny hearing people(Famous, Rich people) from NY openly asking for Lebron to play for the Knicks.
I hope he comes out like “f*ck the NBA, I’m going back to school to get my degree” and completely screws EVERYBODY up.
But honestly, I wish the dude would just sign somewhere. A ninja joining Twitter is not f*cking newsworthy – yes, I’m looking at you, E-Spin.
“I hope he comes out like “f*ck the NBA, I’m going back to school to get my degree” and completely screws EVERYBODY up.”
That would be the best thing since sliced toast.
I concur
And yeah, he got a Twitter SO WHAT?!
* I loved Joe Budden’s prediction that LeBron James would sign with Young Money.
* Shameless plug: I found this http://bit.ly/LBJFail hilarious LeBron parody video
im OFFICIALLY over that dude. #wakemewhenNFLseasonstarts.
@Keisha Brown
I’ll take the NFL’s crime sprees and the overall suckage of my Raiders any day over NBA free agent talk. I need to see some poor third string cornerback get his bell rung on kick coverage like now.
@ Wu Young…
AMEN. When Im home, my tv is on NFL network. Watched the Chargers/Colts 2007 game the other day.
Your thoughts on JaMarcus sippin on the sizzurp?
@ Keisha Brown
Not shocked by him doing something that stupid. Dumb negro doing dumb negro ish. I’m just glad the Raiders were ahead of the curve when it comes to getting rid of someone for once. That was Al’s best front office move since drafting Tim Brown in 1988.
I’m ready for college football to start too.
Who is your squad?
@Wu
im an eagles fan. as painful as it can be.
i have totally fallen off college ball. watched when i was younger and there was only 5 major bowls.
i am boycotting until they get a playoff system.
“Your thoughts on JaMarcus sippin on the sizzurp?”
It makes sense, that’s why that dude blowed up so dayum fast. That’s what happens.
@Keisha Brown
Come on you can’t boycott college ball. Watch some SEC games.
@Wu: i only do college basketball. and by college basketball i mean march madness. lol. i have a cycle:
sept-feb – nfl.
march – ncaa bbb
apr – june – nba playoffs
july-aug: celebrate summer!! yeeeeeah!
sept..start all over again.
exceptions: i watched some hockey this year. (yes..i am a canadian and i dont watch hockey. lol). and of course the olympics. i normally dont do winter olympics, but when your country is the host – you get caught up in it.
Lebron James is kind of a diva.
as much of a lebron fan as i am, i’d have to agree. he clearly loves attention.
@The Champ -
yeah, i can’t blame him though. since he was like 6 years old attention has been heaped on him from every corner of his life.
at first i didnt give a flying f*ck about the press conference, but now that Bosh is going to Miami with Wade…um…Bron?? now what iz you gon’ do? his only legit option now for real is to go to Chicago if he wants to win.
He can come on to Chicago. We’ll accept him! I’m sure the Red Carpet will be rolled on out for him.
I can see Mayor Daley’s pandering arse now…
Derrick Rose needs the support…
*Waves* hi everybody!
Heat fans are giving High-fives to everyone in Miami right now
*Lucky SOB’s*
I officially hate Bosh for signing with Miami because I highly doubt that Bron is gonna stay in Cleveland. As a native Ohioan, I have to say I hate all Ohio teams, except Ohio State, for THIS exact reason…ninjas managing the teams don’t know how to maximize options.
Indians…FAIL!
Browns…FAIL!
Reds…FAIL!
And now it’s gonna be Cavs…FAIL, if he leaves. Hate f*cking Ohio teams…never gonna win nothing! Ugh! (personal rant, sorry)
As one of my FB friends said “Why the fugg does he need an hour long press conference to announce where he’s playing? He isn’t about to give a State of the Unioin address, is he?”
My coworker said the same thing. How many different ways can you say, “I’m going ____” or “I’m staying.”??
V Renee – the reason for that 1 hr block: he convinced ESPN to let him sell advertising.
Cosign #3 and #4, had to quiet a bit of #4 in a past life.
Was this “hey, you probably shouldn’t give 29 year old shooting guards 120 million dollar contracts if you actually want to win a championship this millennium”, a shot at Joe Johnson? if so, I agree. He’s no Kobe.
A much needed shot at Joe Johnson. Dude averaged 13 PPG as the #1 option during the 2nd round against the Magic and they got swept, beaten by 20+ points in every single game. His reward? 6 years, 119 million.
Meanwhile, Paul Pierce went against that same Magic squad a round later and put up 24 PPG. His reward? 4 years, 61 million.
Now you know why the Hawks are the Hawks and the Celtics were just one 6-for-24 Kobe Bryant performance and missing Kendrick Perkins from beating the Lakers. And you wonder why the NBA claims it’s almost broke.
The new CBA could prevent horrible deals like this and save stupid owners and GMs from themselves.
“The new CBA could prevent horrible deals like this and save stupid owners and GMs from themselves.”
its crazy to think that these people–most of whom made money by being shrewd businessmen (or criminals)–let that shrewdness turn to sh*t when handing out contracts.
Being a successful business man, especially a self-made successful one, often requires an individual to sacrifice commonsense. A lot of owners of sports teams owners were more fortunately foolish than shrewd, and that carries over to how they run their franchises.
Top 5 FTW!!!!
way to have lowered expectations, lol. you’re like the rest of the PGA before tiger started sucking
“no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender”
yes! that movie was awful, m.knight shama(however you spell it) is getting a very angry letter from me very soon. effed up one of my fav cartoons!
honestly, i haven’t seen the movie (and don’t plan to). i just included that line on the strength of the unanimously sh*tty reviews it’s been getting
@afrolista- one of my boys went to go see it and when i ran into him, dude was visibly angered and irate. i thought he had been hassled by cops or something. nope, he was ANGRY at how bad it was.
damn near inconsolable too.
Bwahaha this sounds like my bf
*bf and I walk out of the movie*
Bf: That movie was f*ckin horrible! M Knight Shamalan f*ucked that movie up! Ugh, I’m pissed.
Me: It’s ok baby, lets go home and I’ll find a way to make you feel better *wink*
Bf: Nah, I’m not in the mood. I’m too upset
Me: *stares wide-eyed in disbelief” Walks off….
You shouldn’t be piping her if she/he is your professor, supervisor, or pastor.
You shouldn’t be piping if she is the mother of the star running back on the Pop Warner team you coach, and regularly wager on. If you anger her she may yank him from the team.
You shouldn’t be piping if she has a single permanent open-faced gold tooth.
That is all I have for now.
Pastor?
That’s so wrong (therefore you are completely right). Your palpitations in church should be from the word not remembering how Big Daddy Pastor up there laid it down last night…smh.
@Dash – these sound personal.
I would say.
You shouldn’t be piping if he is your professor
Depends, is this before or after midterm grades have been posted?
Your avatar is making me chuckle.
Snickering @ Jai!
“You shouldn’t be piping her if she/he is your professor, supervisor, or pastor.”
Let’s add no dating at the family dinner table. Morgan Freeman ~JS
#6 is a BIG one for women.
I’ve had female friends who had sexual experiences with a man before they had one with themselves and it seemed to have warped their idea of what sex is. They almost felt like having sex with a man was just doing him a favor and their pleasure didn’t matter.
My ex-roommate gets more play than any other girl I know, and she recently confessed to me that she believes that all she has to do is lay there and her partner should “take care of his business.” Does this mean that guys like the girl who just lays there? Cause they sure do keep coming back to her.
Am I scaring guys away by wiggling my hips, holding on tight, and taking a ride?
Does this mean that guys like the girl who just lays there?
No this just means your ex-roomate must be fine! Dudes will put up with a lot of dumb stuff to say he knocked down the fine chick.
“No this just means your ex-roomate must be fine! Dudes will put up with a lot of dumb stuff to say he knocked down the fine chick.”
***nodding head***
Either fine as hell, or her honey pot is so vice grippingly good she doesn’t have to do anything. Or it could just simply mean she is conveniently available which is why cats keep coming back to piss in the same alley.
“Am I scaring guys away by wiggling my hips, holding on tight, and taking a ride?”
Any man that is scared of this is an ice cream man in my book, and you don’t want an ice cream man.
So long as you keep a good timing and rhythm, you keep doing yo thang sistah.
I mean if the door opens we shall enter. The real question is if she is getting the same guys to keep coming back. Aint nothing worse than a boring f****!
Keep doing your stuff sistah and dont take your friends advice!
“I’ve had female friends who had sexual experiences with a man before they had one with themselves and it seemed to have warped their idea of what sex is. They almost felt like having sex with a man was just doing him a favor and their pleasure didn’t matter.”
This makes me so. Damn. Sad.
Which brings me to… You prolly shouldn’t be shucking if you have two completely different views on sex.
i.e. “This is gonna be fun! Let’s enjoy tonight!” vs. “This means you and me are “we” foreva… foreva eva? Foreva eva?”
or… “Let’s play and explore each other’s bodies” vs. “Let me just get this nut off.”
It also reminds me that men and women are often socialized in COMPLETELY different ways when it comes to sex… which is probably why we end up having to write “Signs You Shouldn’t Be Fucking” lists in the first place.
My ex-roommate gets more play than any other girl I know, and she recently confessed to me that she believes that all she has to do is lay there and her partner should “take care of his business.” .
Is your ex-roomie Kim K?
At the risk of sounding like a hater: Not even close.
Great post champ. I had to develop a exit strategy recently because of #2,#3,#5b & #6 all were wrapped into one person….
Give us us free!!!
Great post champ. I had to develop a exit strategy recently because of #2,#3,#5b & #6 all were wrapped into one person….
how the hell does this even happen?
I believe they call it deceit. You cant roll up in f* me pumps on date 1 straight banging 5’5 caramel skin tone ONLYYYYYYYYYYY to turn out to be the
2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex ………..She was a very shy chick who only had a few partners. Scared of the notion of giving head(but she did eventually teefs lotsa teefs smh).
3. the sex really f*cking sucks…..I dont know if i was able to get past the whack head but she was scared to initiate sex even admitted she was bashful and would just rub my leg(so silly) when she wanted some D. Always had this surprised/nervous look on her face as if to say “am i doing this right, did he just say turn over which way do go?!?!” Afraid to make noise or shout so would litterally clasp her hands over mouth or make CRAZY sounds as if i was hitting a special ed chick “eh eh(random ceizure hand move)”
5b….im too young to have a child its never okay all women might have to die if they were carrying my seed.
6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm….She was bashful/shy and didnt feel comfortable touching herself she felt it was something wrong with doing that….
And then I stopped calling her…..
I believe they call it deceit. You cant roll up in f* me pumps on date 1 straight banging 5’5 caramel skin tone ONLYYYYYYYYYYY to turn out to be the
2. you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex ………..She was a very shy chick who only had a few partners. Scared of the notion of giving head(but she did eventually teefs lotsa teefs smh).
3. the sex really f*cking sucks…..I dont know if i was able to get past the whack head but she was scared to initiate sex even admitted she was bashful and would just rub my leg(so silly) when she wanted some D. Always had this surprised/nervous look on her face as if to say “am i doing this right, did he just say turn over which way do go?!?!”
5b….im too young to have a child its never okay all women might have to die if they were carrying my seed.
6. you’ve never made yourself orgasm….She was bashful/shy and didnt feel comfortable touching herself she felt it was something wrong with doing that….
And then I stopped calling her…..
Maple syrup? Bwahahaha. Champie you’re a fool. This list pretty much gold. Dayum 5b– made me think of that Rae Carruth dude from a few years back. Craziness. My contribution, if you’re a dude and you still don’t fully realize that a chick can still get pregnant in spite of ya’ll using condoms and birth control. You sir, definitely should not be f*cking. There’s always a potential for conception. That’s based on the true story of my homeboy who swore up and down that this chick was “trying to pin a baby on him”. I asked him, “um, did you f*ck her?” He’s like “uh yeah. But we used condoms so I know it aint mine.” Alrighty then player. Then a few months later the DNA came back 99.9% his. *snickering*
lol, yeah. i should have put a pic of rae carruth at the top of the entry
^^^^^^^THIS!
I have always hated the Mofo’s who come with the lame, “I got pregnant using condoms, birth control, wet suits, and sh*t.”
Lies! All lies! I can see how at times things happen and it’s a surprise. But, we all had some form of sex ed and we all should know how kids are made. You do the deed, and regardless of precautions, it can happen. Period!
And the more I hear about folks saying they used birth control in any form and they still ended up with kids (mutliple times), the more I’m convinced that all of humanity is doomed.
If you cant have the safer sex discussion with a partner, you shouldnt be fukkin. If dude puts the condom on with no guff, then that shouldnt be a problem. But the instant hes slow to get the package, balks, starts trying to sneak it in, or hits you with that “let me just put the head in” shyt, you need to pull him up and check him! If you cant do that, if you cant protect yourself from HIV and other STDs, you dont need to be having no kinda sex.
L
CO-FRICKIN-SIGN
Exactly.
hey Bsquared – how did you get your vsb name linked to your twitter page?
My bad for the late response! I hope you see this.
In the comment field where it lists “website” I just put the complete URL to my twitter (including the http part). That’s what makes my name the link.
im sad it took this long for this to be mentioned.
gold star for lola gets.
Yes ma’am! Socially conscious comment of the day goes to…
*gives lola dap*
#6 is the essence of the issue. You can’t expect someone else to learn about what gets you off if you aren’t willing to find out on your own.
welcome and sh*t, miles ellison. way to have a cool-ass sounding name, btw. it sounds like a character richard roundtree would have played in a heist movie called “blackies revenge”
I think I’ll start writing the screenplay right now……….
I wanted to add if you cant ask about a partners HIV status/testing results, then you shouldnt smash, but that wouldnt really be something one would do with a really, REALLY casual sex partner. Well, not most folks, lol.
“but that wouldnt really be something one would do with a really, REALLY casual sex partner. Well, not most folks, lol.”
shoooot, thats the time you should do it most! just because its “casual” doesnt mean you have to become a casualty.
“shoooot, thats the time you should do it most! just because its “casual” doesnt mean you have to become a casualty.”
yes indeed! that’s going in my phrase bank.
shoooot, thats the time you should do it most! just because its “casual” doesnt mean you have to become a casualty.
@shatani..this phrase is the TRUTH!
ps: is it too long for a t-shirt? maybe a long white t? (city of philly to be exempt..)
Nothing is never too long for a t-shirt esp when it’s the TRUTH
#7. You don’t want to.
@Kenisha: so simple yet so true. i’ve had sex just cause more times than i’d like to admit.
*drops head in shame.
Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllll, you won’t be hangin’ your head alone.
1) Wow I didn’t know she was actually going to get money. I wonder what she knows that would make him spend over 200 mil. It must be something destructive.
2) I heard that their is a player in the NBA was paid 11 mil for playing 60 minutes this season. Ugh why didn’t a keep playing Basketball.
3) “no sex until we sit down and assess why our sex is worse than the last airbender” I took my two nieces to see this. Both were quite sad to see that Katara was white. I was dumbfounded….
Hmmm how about never sleep with someone who ends to brag about their skills in ed at inappropriate times. (i.e. Family reunions, weddings, office parties)
“Hmmm how about never sleep with someone who ends to brag about their skills in ed at inappropriate times. (i.e. Family reunions, weddings, office parties)”
hmmm. this is a good rule, but this is something that you might not know about until after you actually sleep with them. this is about preventive measures and sh*t
#8. You don’t know the status of your relationship.
@Kenisha – that’s not a good reason. lol
Why not?
now wait just one minute…how you know a homeless man can’t dunk?!?!
Ray Williams
I read about him…sad
You probably shouldn’t be making sexy time if you say things like “let’s make sexy time” or “you feel like hunchin’?” or “I wanna put my spoon in your pudding.”
THERE YOU GO BABY!!!
you almost make me wanna call you for even commenting!!
but yes.. lame-ness will get dude NOWHERE near my cherry box..
although, if he’s lame, i probably figured it out before the cherry box came into question..
Wait a minute! “Almost” want to call me?!! LOL
“Girl, do you wanna riiiiiidee….?”
#HellNO
“you feel like hunchin’?”
bwahahaha I have never heard that before (and I’m thankful)
“I wanna put my spoon in your pudding.”
60 percent of the time this line works, every time
“…it makes no sense spending valuable time and energy busting off in empty eggshells.”
So true and vice versa. It kind of boils down to knowing your worth, figuratively, and knowing their worth literally. Once that’s understood… vwallah! You’ve got some great sex right thur!
“You’ve got some great sex right thur”
thanks, chingy
Chingy, though?
*DEAD*
Champie, I’mma need you to plant yourself in that there corner…
Where is he at anyway? In juvie?
regarding Tiger and Elin…dont they live in Cali? a community property state? wasnt she gonna get half anyway? it seems that people are surprised and whatnot, but….he knew he had money when he married her and made little CauBlasians with her. *shrugs*
California is definitely a community property state, which is why Shaq’s ex Shani tried to claim California residency and filed the divorce papers there. In Cali, you’re automatically entitled to half (sans prenup)!
they had a prenup……
that should have been in response to shatani Tiger and Elin had a prenup
i believe they live in the sunshine state.
wait. florida is the sunshine state right?
Has to be a lot to put up with someone who sucks in the sack but why would you even let them get that far?
Tiger & Elin lived in Florida. He failed the moment he married somebody else’s jumpoff. Word to Miles Austin, you saw what happened the last time a Cowboy had a high profile romance. Sorry, Kim K is the definition of ya’ll shouldn’t be f*ckin’, I mean – we’ve SEEN the tape.
Oh, and to Reggie, nice come up on Amber Rose (I think).
Reggie is with Amber Rose now? Wasn’t Kanye linked to Kim at some point too?
“Sorry, Kim K is the definition of ya’ll shouldn’t be f*ckin’, I mean – we’ve SEEN the tape.”
you know what though, i’m no kim k fan, but she’s been in the spotlight for like 5 years now and has only been linked with 2 men (one of who she happened to make an uninspiring sex tape with). 2 guys in 5 years is a pretty good track record, especially considering that i’m sure some of the vsb’s and vss’s reading are hooking up with cats who’ve been with 5 people in 2 weeks.
When he mentioned Kim K I thought he was saying that you shouldn’t be phuckin her cuz she was a boring lay.
That’s what I read as well…
It’s such a waste of assets… (from both of the people on the tape… *smh*)
that’s exactly what I was referring to. if you’ve seen a chick get down and the results are on the same level as someone leaking a Lil Kim song – you shouldn’t be pining for her.
I totally agree with the down low comment, too! I know too many chicks that settle for sleeping with someone that denies they’re having shex with each other…and I’m like y’all don’t need to be together. AT ALL. Let alone bang it out. Please. That leads to the other point about pregnancy. I see a week’s worth of Maury episode’s in their futures.
I know too many chicks that settle for sleeping with someone that denies they’re having shex with each other
its funny how things change. up until you’re like 22 men lie about who they’ve had sex with. then, for whatever reason, we start denying who we’ve slept with. this is some interesting sh*t
1b) Ladies and Gentlemen, Eddie Murphy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgIJdtSWtGA&feature=player_embedded
* Side note: I spent Monday cleaning and I had Vh1 on in the background. “The Fabulous Life of The Hamptons” came on. I looked up at the screen right in time to see Rachel Utchitel, Tiger Woods’ $10mil ho, talk about the club scene. Sadly, I can’t find the clip online.
That Joke is been around for twenty years and STILL people don’t take it seriously. SMH
#Oops-I-lost-my-contract
If you’re a mediocre-at-best basketball player and the other party is the mother of the team’s star player
shots fired!!!
#2 made me smile..
i can say that since i’ve gotten older i have NO problem pulling dude aside and saying “umm, you know where you think the cl*t is?? well, it’s two inches from there” #Nuffsaid
#3
i found myself in a situation where i started thinking about “Mr. Buzzingworth in the middle of chex.. if THAT ain’t a sign, i don’t know what is.. *phone ringing- looks down and hits “ignore”..*
#5..
i cannot tell you how many situations this thinking has gotten me out of.. i start thinking about what ifs.. it’s very much like a “oops, gotta go..!” *closes piano* (winks at cheekie) my “evian flow” becomes the “Sahara”
i was the victim of a “did you ever hear about something called ‘just the tip’?” GTFOHWTBS!!
i said “yeah.. and it’s the greatest swindle in the history of swindles.. get OFFA me!!”– *looks at phone and hits “ignore”
#6- if i gotta potentially be lookin over my shoulder for moms, roommates, children, people jumpin out the closet…. i’m sorry, but you ain’t gonna get me goin and then you tell me “shh shh.. oh i thought i heard something..”
“HUH!?” *record scratch!*
how bout we just re-schedule for when you’re sure you got the house.. (if i’m feelin him) or better yet, don’t call me.. (if i’m not)
#7 If aromas arise when clothes come off..
i’m sorry, but if there’s a scent coming from your body that can’t be found at Macy’s, then it’s an “abort mission!”.. if my nose starts to twitch when your “weapon of mass destruction” comes out, and i have to start lookin around for the dead squirrel.. then help me find my keys cuz i am GONE!!
i’m sure i got more.. but i turn it over..
*drops mic*
i can say that since i’ve gotten older i have NO problem pulling dude aside and saying “umm, you know where you think the cl*t is?? well, it’s two inches from there” #Nuffsaid
I’m wondering what man over the age of 17 doesn’t know where (or worse yet, what) it is? This is standard knowledge, so I thought.
LOL at the nose twitch…yeah, BO has got to be the ultimate moodkiller, no matter where it’s coming from. Worse yet, the memory of said aroma stays with you for a lifetime…
I thought using condoms every time would be standard knowledge/practice yet every day, one hears about “surprises”. A condom breaking is an accident, something that can be remedied pretty quickly. If you call finding out 3 weeks later you are pregnant by way of a missed period a surprise, I call you an idiot.
Given how prevalent idiocy seems to be in the world, my advice to every man is put yourself first. Also, doesn’t it make sense that someone willing to let you hit raw may have done so in the past? And if that’s the case, could have something more to share with you? Always use a condom. Heck, I even consider birth control pills/patches to be backups to condoms.
Great. . . now I’m ranting. . . does sex ed really make that big a difference? In DCPS, I had it in 5th grade, then again in 10th. Someone should do a study to see the relative “surprise” rate of my cohorts relative to other years.
…dead squirrel?
*DEAD* (without the foul smell)
#7 – he proposes on Twitter: http://twitter.com/Que_thafuture/status/17757595260
@dawnrichard i want tha hole world 2 kno ur mine forever….Will u Marry Me……….I love You
*Starts playing “Why Must I Cry?”*
Roffles @ proposing through a tweet. Everyone knows that a DM is the proper way to pop the question.
@I am your people
gtfo, wonder if she accept
Twitter proposal? *flavor flav wow*
is it wrong that i want dawn to say no so i can laugh harder?
yo I’m checking this tweet every sec just to see if she says NO so that I could run outside and LMBO
lmfao @ you running outside first to laugh.
lmao, glad to know im not alone
Wasn’t that a hot mess?!
My dream is that she responded not with a simple ‘no’, but with the fail whale.
I mean “hole world?” Hmm, negative.
How is that different than a stupid jumbotron at a basket ball game for instance?
These people are the electronic generation, it makes sense to them… And they are part of their relationship so they should know what makes sense to their partners…
I don’t know, I see the big hoopla over this and I just think it’s a bit much… *my own shrug + Kanye shrug*
“How is that different than a stupid jumbotron at a basket ball game for instance?”
To me, the jumbotron takes a bit more effort than just typing under 140 characters. But, then again, I ain’t really all that inpressed by that either…It’s nice, but not really creative.
And I’d make sure they spell “whole” correctly. lmao, lemme get off him. It’s no big deal to me…just jokes.
No schlucking if
1. A certain age… I dont know when it becomes “acceptable” but 16 and younger, it hurts me. Even though I remember being in middle school and girls talking about how the cherry was popped at 12. O_o I just. I cant.
2. If you have ANY ANY ANY ANY inkling that he is gay or if he has Gay tendencies. #nuffsaid
3. If its casual. I’m of the mind that most females can not actually successfully have casual sex. Casual meaning you dont really know the guy, you’re in Cancun… Okay, Im talking about myself – it just doesnt work for me.
4. If you have ANY kind of STD, and you knowingly put someone else at risk #youregoingtohell
5.If you have children with more than 3 baby mommas/daddies that you dont take care of or any of your children are in foster care. Your ignant *ss is irresponsible with chex & you need to take some time to figure yourself out.
#thatisallfornow
What are gay tendencies?
I know a cat with about 4 children, with two on the way, that women continue to give the sushi, while often knowing full well that he is a deadbeat. I have no pity for them if he knocks them up and vanishes on them.
Everytime I see “gay tendencies”, I think of some guy who wears just one things that he thinks is innocuous, like a pink bowtie, but never gets any play from black women when he goes out.. Then goes home at the end of each night and stares at himself in the mirror trying to figure out what was wrong about his appearance, and unable to do so, resolves to perhaps rock out his ultra skinny jeans the next night.
Note to self: Retire Rainbow Socks and Mauve Suspenders.
Retire Rainbow Socks and Mauve Suspenders.
Bwahaha… That can make you a Andre 3000 look-alike… and that’s hot!
Everytime I see “gay tendencies”, I think of some guy who wears just one things that he thinks is innocuous, like a pink bowtie, but never gets any play from black women when he goes out.. Then goes home at the end of each night and stares at himself in the mirror trying to figure out what was wrong about his appearance, and unable to do so, resolves to perhaps rock out his ultra skinny jeans the next night.
this made me laugh aloud for a good 30 seconds
I know I’m a little late – it’s only 1.30 on the east coast!
Gay tendencies::
1. Peep who he hangs with. If you see NARY a female in sight or if all his boys have that…. that special ‘something’….
1b. Matter of fackk, have you MET any of his friends? And you if you have, how does he introduce you??
2. Watch people when they don’t know they’re being watched – Gay men, even the ‘straight’ ones, have feminine tendencies. They might be a touch softer when they walk or pick up/hold things. They are…. delicate (sometimes).
3. Peep his grooming skills. There is nothing wrong with being fresh to death like a million bucks, but…. you can recognize the difference
4. When he meets new males, watch him. He’ll SHOW you how he actually feels.
In my experience, learning to watch when they don’t know they are watching is it.
I’ve been fooled enough to know. le sigh.
***1.30pm on the WEST coast***
my bad.
1. I can dig. Birds of a feather flock together. . . mostly. My friends are mostly robotics people like me. However, at least half are white and a some of the rest not-black. So, most of my friends are not black. Now, if you attempt to guess my racial origin just based on my friends, you’d be dead wrong. Same with trying to guess someone’s sexuality. Think about it, people are surprised all the time to hear about some person batting for the other team. So, not can normal friends be misleading, but people in the closet have another level of indirection going on.
2. Delicate? I don’t slam my car doors. . . is that a feminine tendency?
3. What exactly is the difference? There are some people you can find at the barbershop every 2 days at 5pm for their usual. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to discern much from grooming alone.
4. How does that work exactly? When I was single, my behavior around new people to whom I felt an attraction was different than to those I did not. Now, my behavior is about the same, regardless of attraction, unless the new person is really really hot.
I just finished writing all this and started thinking. . . perhaps this is why people get fooled. . .
@Anastasia!!!
Women + Casual Sex = DISASTER
I had the misfortune of experiencing firsthand #2 and #3.
I didn’t find out about the #2 situation until after we got busy, so I think I should get a pass. Add that to that fact that he ended up being a BROKE, abusive alcoholic who, despite impressive “equipment”, phucked me like he was a jackhammer and I was the sidewalk, and I had to say tootles. That was my first NYC “relationship”, LOL. I never knew just how naive I was until that little incident, lol.
And #3? Eh, I only tried it ’cause everyone’s always talking about how awesome it is. They act like they put up the d*ck signal, he “comes” to the rescue, and then you’re all loose and relaxed for a night out with your girls. But sorry, if the sex IS good? I mean, REALLY good? And the dude is cute and he has his own place and he has a phone that stays in service (’cause he pays his bills) to receive my texts saying to come over, a metro card to make his way there, and his own place when I don’t feel like doing it in my place, we’re damn near SOULMATES, lol. Maybe my standards are too low? LOL. I kid, l kid. But yeah, I catch feelings, so that casual sex thing is not MY thing.
#1- As far as Tiger goes, the way I see it is WTF could he have possibly done besides WTF we already know to have him paying homegirl off in that fashion, I mean REALLY??? Unless he was dabbling in the “rainbow ish”-pardon me #gayilluminati, what else could she possibly have on him?
2.Agreed. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about it, then you fo sho shouldn’t be doing it, same goes for #3- specially when you can be the “King/Queen of your domain” in #6.
4. Lying to anyone about who you’re gettin it in with is ALWAYS a no-no, you should always use the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” rule-thanks to the US Armed Forces for that one, if need be, but generally, always before chex, just ask yourself-could I tell my BFF who knows e’rrythang there is to know about me this? If the answer is no, then take the hint & just say NO to chex with said someone. Although due to immaturity & ish I’m sure we all have at least one of these, anyone, anyone? #ferrisbueller and last but not least,
b) “somebody (me, her, or the seed) has to die. now.”
there’d be no need for vsb (or police) if we stopped f*cking all of the potential “b’s”
I SHOL is glad I don’t have to worry about this , cause I could not live without my VSB *
luv yuh too bajan-ooman!!
Don’t swap DNA if:
1. Either of you don’t have a consistent place to f***. (Dwelling)If either of have to check with a roommate, parents, or some other college crap, reconsider.
2. Ladies if dude doesn’t own a bed keep moving. Unless that what’s your into.
Don’t swap DNA if:
1. Either of you don’t have a consistent place to f***. (Dwelling)If either of have to check with a roommate, parents, or some other college crap, reconsider.
^ Wish somebody would have gave me this advice a year ago! That was the most textually frustrating year of my life lol
An attorney I used to work for said she got busy in an Abrams tank when she was younger. As sad/kinky/just flat out weird as that is I’m still kind of impressed. She’s a shero of mine.
@WuYoung..
I LOVE you for this!!!
@Wu
LMBO. I agree. My back seat days are over. I own my own home but I can’t bring a man there so I need you to have your own spot. A mattress is okay, I don’t discriminate.
Shooooot. I’ll take a futon, a real sturdy La-Z Boy, a kitchen counter, lol. It’s a recession. And as long as he has some loud speakers or a pay of socks nearby, the roomies shouldn’t be bothered by the noise.
jk jk
ummm wow@KitKat LOL
he at least needs a mattress & box spring
Gone are my days of smashing while my roommate is asleep 10 feet away in the dorm, baseball fields, campus housing washrooms, and water front parks. Some things you just can’t do after 30.
Don’t look at me like that.
@ Champ, deat at the ‘watching paint dry’ line reminds of Waiting to Exhale.
To add, if you are going out everyday looking for a hookup while in a relationship, consider being single. Tiger took over Erci Benet’s title in that regard.
Excuse my Typos deat-dead and Erci-Erci. A sad case of ‘comment on post” excitement.
Excuse my Typos deat-dead and Erci-Erci. A sad case of ‘comment on post” excitement.
lol, i dont think ive ever seen typos in an “excuse my typos” comment before
He’s married to someone else.
see, now you’re just being unreasonable
*You shouldn’t be having sex if you work with the other person.
Nothing is more uncomfortable than having to sit in a staff meeting with two people who were chexing on the low and it ended badly and everybody knows *cue john legend*
*If you wouldn’t be caught dead in the streets with them.
If you can’t even give your girl/boy the “you know what it is” look in the eye if yall are ever caught together somewheres, then you might have stooped mighty low in pursuit of some chex.
Nothing is more uncomfortable than having to sit in a staff meeting with two people who were chexing on the low and it ended badly and everybody knows *cue john legend*
by uncomfortable you mean entertaining, right?
Can’t believe I’m saying this…but i loved the Airbender movie. Not because it was a great movie, but because it was even made. The cartoon is the best American cartoon ever. The movie had flaws, but it had to capture a full season of plot in under two hours. The cast is the most racially diverse of any summer movie. Compared to the 1st Twilight movie it was good. The sequels will be better (I hope). At least M. Knight recognizes the cultural beauty of the story. At least it was deeper than (white man bad, tarzan save blackie-Avatar BS) we got rammed down our throats.
Then again, I’m a hopeless nerd.
Compared to the 1st Twilight movie it was good.
That really isnt saying much…
I agree with @James. My lil’ bro and I went to go see it a few days ago, and we liked it. We’re hoping that the negative reviews don’t stop them from creating the sequels…
@peachi…thanks, I was starting to think I was the only one. Ebert said that “The Last Airbender” is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.” That’s just overboard hatin. Hollywood routinely puts out crap (Angelina Jolie) that doesn’t get reviews that bad.
@Dom…true…I’m just saying.
Signs That You probably Shouldn’t Be F****ing
1)If you have 2 or more children by the same woman and you have no intention of marrying her
1a) If you have 2 or more kids by 2 or more women and FOC(Friend Of the Court) is tearing you a new one every paycheck.
2)This has been said here before but if your lower half is built like Serena Williams or Erykah Badu and you won’t let a brotha get backshots
3)If you feel you are doing me a favor by having chex with me. All men are not walking around with “kamikaze d**k” drooling and panting for chex. I’ve turned down chex plenty of times and won’t hesitate to do it again.
4)If you feel that since you are built like Esther Baxter or Kenya Moore that you don’t have to put in work during chex. A big @ss and tig ol bitties does not automatically equal good chex. No one likes a dead f**k. You need to put in work.
5) If missionary is the only position that you are willing to do.
@Humble_One,
1. Yes.
2. Hell yes.
3. Definitely feel you. Done the same thing before myself.
4. You are right about that.
5. Can’t stand that.
If you feel you are doing me a favor by having chex with me. All men are not walking around with “kamikaze d**k” drooling and panting for chex. I’ve turned down chex plenty of times and won’t hesitate to do it again.
@Humble One: that’s hot. Paris Hilton. or current East Coast temps.
#double-drakism.
I heard folks is bugging back east about that heat. Welcome to my entire existence living in Texas.
Welcome to my entire life being from Jamaica and living in Florida…
i won’t lie though, Texas is a different breed of hell altogether..
@ComicBookGuy
It’s suppose to be 100 degrees today. I talked to my boy in Houston yesterday and he said that was still lightweight compared to there.
The thing is with the H is that it may not hit the triple digits a lot, but with the horrible air quality and the constant humidity, it feels like you are walking around a sauna. When you see a haze on a clear day out here, that shows you how bad the air is. Dallas and Austin are like walking through an oven, but right now, it is raining a lot down here, which means hurricane season will be in full effect.
“I heard folks is bugging back east about that heat. Welcome to my entire existence living in Texas.”
Right? I’m over here playing the world’s smallest violin for ya’ll.
*snickers*
Yeah, I’m from TX and that ish yesterday felt GOOD.
@Humble_One
A big booty girl not letting you hit from the back, make it clap or do any tricks whatsoever is just plain selfish. Good sex=work. It’s a team effort. Carry on.
Good sex does equal work, but hitting it from the back should be a part of that, too. That’s just one of many positions that should be involved. Just one position is quite boring.
Yes of course. You’re so versatile.
Girl, you almost made me spit out my water with that. You are too funny, over there trying to butter me up and stuff.
I agree. But some girls caan manage di backshot.
From that angle, if you’re built adequately, you can tickle the bottom of their heart. So unfortunately, it gets painful for some, which is why they may not be so williing to turn around.
Regardless, it is whack when homegirl is equipped with backseat weaponry, and you cant capitalize on it. *sigh*
mi dead @ Mr SoBo’s sadness. LMAOO!!
From that angle, if you’re built adequately, you can tickle the bottom of their heart
pause…this comment just made me raise my eyebrow and blush
That made me sniggle, chortle, and smirk.
See. My man gets it. It can be painful for some, but some of those ladies out there find the pleasure in pain. Yeah, it does hurt my heart when you dealing with a donk and she ain’t talmboutit.
Sobo are you trying to say you’re packing?? Hmmmm…well you are Jamaican. LOL I would love to arch my back and give it back but sometimes it does hurt so I agree. If I pat his thigh, that’s the signal to dig less.
@CBG
You put hurtin too? Oh the hurts so good feeling. Hmmmm… it’s gettin hot in here.
@SmartFoxGirl
“Sobo are you trying to say you’re packing?? “
All I am saying is that I enjoy packing meat into very small and very moist places…………..repeatedly……………….without mercy……………..agony.
*kill di b*tch*
@SFG,
I mean, you know, I mean, I don’t like to brag. I mean, I’ve heard “Ow” at times, but that’s nothing to hang your hat on.
Oh yeah, I like arched backs.
*walks away whistling Spider-Man theme song*
Like ComicbookGuy, I too like arched backs.
*In the voice of the Big Bad Wolf*
“What better way to tickle your heart, sweetie”.
…………..repeatedly……………….without mercy……………..agony
pause…that sounded painful (and not in a good way)
@ Mr SoBo and CBG… you have violated vsb rules…you cannot make said comments without visual validation
@ Jai
It can sound however it wants. It’s the feel of it that matters.
It can sound however it wants. It’s the feel of it that matters
@ Mr SoBo
well damn….(flashback)….I concur
I’m 6 feet under at all of this. I’m at work…supposed to be working. Ya’ll can’t do this…and with no pics…that’s just wrong. I bet it’s all clean looking and oily and curves a bit. Oh, excuse me.
But back on track…um yeah…I’m no bottomless pit so I will yell a bit but I’m no quitter so I’ll take it.
@SFG: can’t you leave one of the unicorn mafia members for the rest of us?? lol. you can’t have dem both!! YOU JUST CANT!!!! hahahahaha…
LMBO! You didn’t see the spidey tattoo I’m rockin? Oh right, you wouldn’t be able to see that now would you. Sobo is nasty, you can have him but you better had all the kids you wanted cause that man is talking straight womb rummage.
@SFG,
Um, have you been looking through my window or something? I mean, I just saw a pair of binoculars just lying on the side of the road by the mailbox and they seemed a bit out of place. lol
@CBG
Dammit…were they hot pink?
@SFG,
Um, yeah. They were. I was like, who the hell has pink binoculars but it probably belonged to one of the little girls in my neighborhood. I guess I was wrong.
you won’t let a brotha get backshots
Can I request one more time a definition of “backshots”? I get confused at times…
Backshots – (n) – A coital position in which the female presents herself on all fours, thus enabling the male to mount her from behind resulting in thorough, and oftentimes rigorous, enjoyment of the sweet nectar that is her plump peach.
Synonyms/Variations – Wheelbarrow, doggystyle, drop soap, womb turner.
#DEEEEAAAAAAADDDDDDD
womb turner.
i heart you Mr SoBo
For some reason I thought back shots meant spilling creamy milk on the back. Silly me. I didn’t even know not having woofy style secks was an option.
*scratching head and mumbling what da fugg??*
Exactly!!! you and i are >< here!
That's what my understanding of "backshots" was… reason why I kindly asked…
So does that mean there are women out there against doing it *snoop dogg's voice* dog.gy style (which I thought was the more common name)?
Whoa. Perhaps there are multiple meanings behind backshot. On the islands it means doggystyle and I thought it meant the same stateside as well. So you mean to tell me it means “superman a h0e”? Thats news to me. Now I’m scratching my head in confusion.
I thought back spillage was “Spiderman a h0″?
This is perplexing…
At VSB you will learn something new everyday. Knowledge is power people.
“superman a h0e”
Maybe this is the definition of the 25 and below set?
I personally never heard it refer to as ““superman a h0e” either than in the infamous song…
And backshots always carried the spillage on the back side type visual to me… I need Humble_One to clarify what he meant by that…
I have the feeling we may all be surprised (yet again… 
)
@Sula
“superman a h0e”….Maybe this is the definition of the 25 and below set?”
Don’t think I haven’t noticed you getting bright since yesterday.
@Mr. Sobo,
Don’t think I haven’t noticed you getting bright since yesterday.
Who, moi? Not at all… Lol.
But really, I’m just innocently asking…
signs you shouldn’t be f*@king….
if you don’t know how to PROPERLY put on a condom
your knowledge of the various types of birth control doesn’t exsist
Or if its an expired condom and he insists that its ok.
“would you ask a homeless man how to dunk? would you buy ten speed for a midget? would you ask a chicken how to shave? of course not.”
LMAO. Can’t expect anyone to help you…
“Can’t expect anyone to help you…”
thats basically what chris bosh just told lebron
**If you are intimidated by whats in my drawer of goodies……
**If you can’t handle the fact that I was not a virgin when we met and that I had to pick up my skills from somewhere…..
**If you sweat prefusely and you think it’s cool to get that shyt on me….
**If at any point during, I answer a phone call, text, or send an email
**If immediately afterwards, I get up and start playing Madden
**If want turns you on does not turn me on and vice verse and we can’t compromise
**If you always talk about Astroglide….
Astroglide? It exists for a reason. . .
I know, but that is ‘all’ that they talk about, there is a problem (see Champs explanation #4 LOL)
That depends, there is using astroglide on you, and having you use it on them.
You know what they say, once you’ve experienced the dark dark, you always want to hit from the back back. . .
Plus people get obsessed with what they can’t have, especially if you seem like you may be willing to indulge. Tell a story about some wild night with one of your hot friends and I’ll bet you’d never stop hearing about that, especially if you answer every query with “stop asking and I’ll think about it”. People hear that and it becomes “stop asking until the next time we’re in this position” because the hearee has already thought about it and arrived at a conclusion in 2 seconds flat, so giving you the next 2 minutes while he’s distracted is certainly more than enough time.
if a dude ask me use astroglide on him, then i will tell him to search Craigslist as I kick him out my house (to each his own, but that shyt right there aint hopping off in my house)
“f you sweat prefusely and you think it’s cool to get that shyt on me”
@Jai: AMEN! sweating like you are running from the law, dripping your salty sweat in my eye is NOT hot in the streets OR sheets!
Mutually hot sweaty sex is good. More leaks than BP is not.
*shudders a la Sideshow Bob at the memory.
@Jai
“**If you always talk about Astroglide….”
Who have you been dating?
“**If immediately afterwards, I get up and start playing Madden”
You play Madden?
Who have you been dating?
***some real ghey dudes my friend LOL
You play Madden?
***are you freaking kidding me. I LOVE Madden. I am a video game girl. That is another myth that needs to be broken…women don’t play video games, women don’t shoot pool, women don’t like fantasy football…
THANK YOU!!!
although my love is for First Person Shooters.. etc
Women can love football.. Hell, i know I do!!
@Nick_L: EXACTLY!!
Like why do dudes think I’m just making that up to impress them?? Call me on a NFL Sunday and see if I answer. (I talk only to family members and fellow NFL’ers on NFL Sundays).
Im excited to chat smack with NFL fans on twitter this upcoming season. (But it will probably ruin my state of the week address in the football pool I run).
@Keisha…this right here is what makes you a friend in my head!
@ComicBookGuy
“***are you freaking kidding me. I LOVE Madden. I am a video game girl. That is another myth that needs to be broken…women don’t play video games, women don’t shoot pool, women don’t like fantasy football…”
Word? Do you have PS3 or XBOX? I would like to cordially invite you to my fantasy football league this fall.
My fault that was for Jai
xbox
and wii (I love my vgames)
@Jai..we can be e-friends! not just in your head! lol.
“You play Madden?”
C’mon Humble, plenty of chicks play Madden.
Heyll, I ain’t the best, but I can hold my own.
@Jai
too bad you don’t have PS3. I would invite you to the PS3 network with me and ComicBookGuy
@miss t-lee
If you have a PS3 you should hook up with me and ComicBookGuy
Aw man, I haven’t invested in my own just yet…but when I do, it’s on like Rae Dawn Chong.
I meant to say
**If your wants do not turn me on and vice verse and we can’t compromise
***sorry, thats what I get for typing during a conference call.
@Jai
I want you to know I spent a good 10 mins yesterday laughing at your avi of the man with his hair blowing.
This:
**If you sweat prefusely and you think it’s cool to get that shyt on me….
Amen my sister, Amen. The chin drips are gross.
@SFG…he was givin yall FEVAH!!!!
Jai what the hell is that in your avi today?!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…OMG
**If you are intimidated by whats in my drawer of goodies……
Sounds like low self-esteem (as long as you don’t pull out a strap-on, we good, we good)
**If you sweat prefusely and you think it’s cool to get that shyt on me….
Sounds like a glandular problem…
**If at any point during, I answer a phone call, text, or send an email
Sounds like someone ain’t doing the job correctly…
**If you always talk about Astroglide….
Alrighty then….lol
HEY DG!!!
Just in case you didn’t know, I am e-stalking you
**If you always talk about Astroglide….
I say this having lived in Atl and now in the DC area
Hi Jai…lol at e-stalker comment…
I’m familiar w/ ATL… Buckhead/Midtown is a pretty eye-opening place to be on a wknd…I’ve heard a story or two ’bout DC too. To each his own, I guess…
Oh, and your appreciation of Madden (and sense of humor) officially qualifies you as a unicorn…
I’m familiar w/ ATL… Buckhead/Midtown is a pretty eye-opening place to be on a wknd
anyday of the week…but I will NEVA forget the scene i witnessed outside of a club called Bulldogs (clutches pearls, gets into fetal position, suck thumb, rock back and forth and holds snuggie (in this heat) close)
Umm is that a bad area? I moving to ATL and that’s one of the areas I was considering.
@bougiefruit
No, no…it’s a very nice area. Lots to do, walkable, all that jazz….what Jai and I were referring to is the presence of alternative lifestyles in that area (and ATL in general). It’s a very alt-friendly part of the city. As long as you don’t have a problem with that, you’d probably enjoy living there.
“5. if a potential pregnancy would ruin your life”
Elaborating on #5
You shouldn’t be sleeping with anyone that you would never in your life want to have a baby by, because the truth of the matter is that when you have sex you CAN get pregnant (for the most part) and if Hakeem aint taking care of his other two kids and you get pregnant by him then guess what…he aint taking care of yours either.
2 words…Desmond Hatchett
29 w/21 kids working a minimum wage job…smh
@Jai
And what’s worse is a Desmond Hatchett that got some good D cuz you know what that’ll do to a sista…she be done chexed him down b4 knowing abt the kiddies & be hooked. Ish happens all too often..LOL
I have NEVA had any that good and I don’t wont any. If a man has over 3 kids (with multiple women, none of whom were his wife), I can’t deal, BUT if a knee grow tells me he has 21 kids between the ages of 11 and newborn…
Why are so many people bothered at the amount of money Elin is receiving from her divorce settlement with Tiger?? He put his family and pockets at risk when he made the choice to cheat with a multitude of women. So what, Elin was his nanny?….He chose to marry her, the same way he chose to put his reputation and marriage at risk (not to mention a lifetime of humiliation for Elin and their children. He had to pay one of his jump offs $10 mil for Pete’s sake!!). If you’re caked up and marry someone who isn’t, enable them to live lavish, have children with them, subject them to a lifestyle where privacy is no longer an option, etc……and then betray them on the level that he has……he gets no sympathy from me. Being a spouse is much more that what’s seen from the outside (especially if you have to pay your spouse to keep quiet.). If people think Elin hasn’t made any sacrifices for her marriage, then I say to them: Just wait until you are married to get a dose of reality. Plus, if $100 mil was the number the courts allowed, then he’s worth at least triple that.
……ok, I’m done. : )
co-sign.
*clap and finger snaps* I feel no sympathy for Tiger or any of these overpaid athletes. Most of these men are over grown brats who are greedy and think they’re unstoppable. Well 100 mil will stop you dead in your tracks.
@SFG
“Well 100 mil will stop you dead in your tracks.”
Uh huh!! *e daps*
Exactly, no one ever needs that much money. But if someone has to have it, it better go to the woman scorned. If I was the judge, Tiger would be living in a double-wide driving a 1998 Kia.
@bougiefruit
“Tiger would be living in a double-wide driving a 1998 Kia”
…..*DEAD*
“Why are so many people bothered at the amount of money Elin is receiving from her divorce settlement with Tiger?? ”
The only people that I know who are upset about this are dudes.
I don’t know any chicks who are crying for him. Argentina.
But why are regular dudes upset. Are you worth millions of dollars and do you have random groupies? Since that is not your reality there is no need to be upset.
@Deeds
“Since that is not your reality there is no need to be upset”
I agree….Period.
“But why are regular dudes upset”
Really though. Thousandaires getting all salty. LMAO
@miss t-lee
Yes, majority dudes. But I’ve heard a few random chicks saying that she didn’t need that much money. But, I think they were saying that on the strength of being bitter because he married a Becky.
“But, I think they were saying that on the strength of being bitter because he married a Becky”
They still upset about that?
He put his family and pockets at risk when he made the choice to cheat with a multitude of women.
i agree with this. nobody feels any sympathy for tiger, but i think its the principle of the matter (100 mil for 5 years of marriage.) that has people feeling a certain way. the law is the law, but something doesnt seem quite right about it.
“…but I think it’s the principle of the matter…”
Negative homie. Because if folks were upset at the “principle of the matter” they’d see that while that sum is quite large, her life and the welfare of their kids is more valuable in the long run. Meaning, if he didn’t want to have to pay her that type of money, he should have had some principles/morals/standards about himself and stayed single or not have done what he did.
One affair…okay. Two…no bueno. The entire white woman population of Rhode Island…pay the f*ck up. He could have left his children motherless if any of these broads would have went Amy Fischer on a ninja…or if he’d have given her HIV or something of that nature.
As far as I’m concerned, she deserves that money. Imagine her datingl life of now…the chick who was cheated with every random broad in america….
I could go on an on, but I won’t. Point is that priniciple (like love) shoulda kept Tiger’s ass at home. No Toni B….
Another sign you shouldn’t be phucking…
1. If using the words vagina and penis makes you giggle and laugh like a 12yr. old. Seriously, at a certain age, you should be able to refer to your s*xual organs by their proper names. Occasional slang is cool, but if you are 18+ and still refer to you penis as your weewee, then there is a problem.
I had a friend that literally couldn’t talk about sex at all. She didn’t want anyone to mention the word vagina or the word panties. I could be going underwear shopping and she would act all weird at the thought of a bra or me mentioning the word panties. If the topic of sex ever came she would always try to change the subject, like nobody noticed. We were def. in our twenties. I wonder how she was in the presence of guys.
Proper names? You mean proper nouns? Like Captain Awesome? I don’t refer to myself as homo sapiens sapiens. I think if I want to nickname a penis something else, that is fine. I have never had a conversation that went “when you pleasure me, utilize your digitus segundus to slightly stroke my mons pubis before applying your tongue to my labia minora”. Then again, such people were likely to be defenestrated long ago.
And with that… I’m dead.
I nicknamed someone perncil (for obvious reasons)….
LMAO! Thank you.
If we’re talking about sex with the intention of having it then it ain’t gonna be formal because I don’t plan on having formal ass sex.
When I’m talking about mine…”Pussy” is the preferred word of choice and i’m not shy about using it.
“3. the sex really f*cking sucks”
My sister told me that the last dude she dealt gave her a new outlook on sex which is much different than me who is always complaining about never getting it. She said that he made her realize that
NO SEX IS BETTER THAN BAD SEX
I just can’t relate. LOL But it’s funny to me that this guy was so bad at it that he made her feel that way & she really is content with NO SEX now. SMH
NO SEX IS BETTER THAN BAD SEX
But how do you know it’s going to bad before you do it? And if he starts and you realize it’s bad, do you tell him to stop? Will that get you choked? Just sayin
And if he starts and you realize it’s bad, do you tell him to stop? Will that get you choked?
Usually if it is that bad you turn into the Sahara Desert. Tell him he has to stop. So what if he gets mad, it’s not like you were going to call him again anyway. LOL
@SmartFoxGirl
Well I agree with Jai…I just wouldn’t call the mofo again, but then again you may want to give it at least two chances cuz the 1st time usually isn’t as good as it gets. Speaking from experience…the 1st time was pretty mediocre with this one guy but I was totally in awe the 2nd time. LOL Ahhh fun times…
but then again you may want to give it at least two chances cuz the 1st time usually isn’t as good as it gets.
This is true…as men, the onus to perform in bed falls on us…and given that it’s the first time, we may have a sub-par performance that’s not indicative of our skills. It’s kinda like baseball…most guys don’t hit a home run their 1st time at bat…sometimes it’s just a single…that doesn’t mean that he can’t hit a home run at his next at-bat.
@DG
EX-ACTLY!
@Jai and Opinionated1
LMBO. Good one or play dead, go to sleep, etc.
# 7. If he JUST got out of prison…no.
#8. If you go down low, but he wont even hit the belly button…NO! Life is too short to work a job and not get anything in return. It amazes me how many women let their bf/s.o. get away with this ish for years. On to the next one!
@Dom
“It amazes me how many women let their bf/s.o. get away with this ish for years. On to the next one!”
I totally feel you on that. It’s like required these days and you BEST believe you aint getting special treatment w/o giving it to me 1st. I can honestly say that every guy I have dealt with on that level (had chex with) have tasted the goodies (& liked it) LOL
I had a “play uncle” (yeah i know) who was getting out after doing a 10 year bid in federal prison. Tell me why his 2 baby mother’s and some pen pal chick he started writing while he was in were literally about to come to blows about who was going to get the slayed first (no buffy). I guess in their minds they saw 10 years of pinned up sexual aggression and they would kill to get their hands on that grenade. All I could think about is if Fleece Johnson got to him.
@Tjohn…You owe me .37 cents for the coffee I just spit out at the name Fleece Johnson LOL (brought up the image of the Toss Salad man)
“it makes no sense spending valuable time and energy busting off in empty eggshells”
That phrasing followed by the imagery just started my day off in an uncomfy way.
But I do agree…
That phrasing followed by the imagery just started my day off in an uncomfy way.
thanks. i try and sh*t
For men, if you can’t see yourself actually likingthe woman, then don’t sleep with her. Especially if you can tell that she likes you.
For women, if you feel like you will regret it in the a.m…then don’t sleep with him.
I never felt like this was equal. Men can sleep with whomever they like as many times as they like. Hell ya’ll can stick your d*ck in a plastic thingy. But women can’t just go around sleeping with whomever we like. Here are my reasons
1) You’d be loose. Men may not be smart about alot of things (when it comes to women) but one thing they can tell is when they’re in the presence of a easy woman or a reformed hoe…and that willaffect how they see you.
2) It will be loose. I’m sorry but I believe the more you sleep around, the less comfy and snugyou will feel. I could be wrong.
3) 9 out of 10 times, youwill be the one who gets played. I have many friends who claim to not associate emotions with sex and I have the same friends who come back 6 months later saying how he doesn’t want to commit to them.
I’m not perfect. I think I’ve shared enough of my mistakes on this site. But one thing I try to hold onto is how quickly I sleep with a man. Cause if ish doesn’t work out…at least I can say I didn’t give him any part of me. I think the blog the other day showed that we are all aware of when we shouldn’t sleep with a man. We ignore the signs for the obvious reasons and then cry the morning after. It’s hard but get a toy and some batts. Okay didn’t mean to get all serious. I’ll come back with some funny reasons later.
” I have many friends who claim to not associate emotions with sex and I have the same friends who come back 6 months later saying how he doesn’t want to commit to them.”
I think there are very few women that can truely seperate sex from emotion…we like to think we can but we usually get caught up like a mofo, & the truth is that we knew what it was from jump street. I swear men has the overall upper hand when it comes to sex & relationships…we lose bout everytime.
I know I can’t seperate the two…I am a relationship person and we only going there if we have a committment. Trust, by then
Iwe have bumped, grinded, and groped well enough to know if it will have the potential to be good. Till then, keep stock in Duracell….le’ sigh“I think there are very few women that can truely seperate sex from emotion”
Exactly. You gotta know which chick you are. If you know for sure you can’t separate the emotions from the beating, stay on the bench.
@miss t-lee
But alotta women be in straight denial mode! LOL Those women need an intervention.
“But alotta women be in straight denial mode!’
A whole, whole bunch. Like a stadium full.
@Miss TLee
I love that “stay on the bench”
I’m just doing my part to keep ya’ll off somebody’s balcony at 4am.
They do have the upper hand and don’t know it…or do they? The world may never know. *sigh*
I know I can’t seperate the two either. Hell I fell a little close to my gyno after a routine exam.
This just reminds me of a guy that I keep running into and I keep having to turn down cuz I know he just wants a casual thing. Everytime I see him he asks me why we’re not making love, I just have to give him the side eye cuz I’m not tryna catch no feelings for someone that a relationship isn’t happening with.
@Deeds I know right…I’m like why must we be like this…cuz sometimes a sista just wanna get f*cked! & w/o worring abt if she’s gonna catch feelings.
I know I can’t seperate the two either. Hell I fell a little close to my gyno after a routine exam
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@Jai LMAO!
@Deeds…i learned this lesson recently. If you know he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t allow yourself to catch feelings. Unfortunately that means no chex, head, nada. So sad it is.
I had a gyno appt once and the man was FINE! I was sweating all down my back during the exam.
By the way…I’m on Twitter if anyone wants to follow me. I do follow back. @ConstanceLovesU
@TheOpinionated1: Im going to follow you right now! @quiethaylestorm
Gotcha! & I followed u back!
I don’t understand it. Have I been banned from commenting? I wrote a comment, I swear. I saw it. And now it’s gone.
Anyways, as I was saying, stop what you’re doing right now and listen to The Smelly Cat Song. It is friggin’ hilarious! And if you like good hip-hop, download the whole album.
7) If immediately following your first s*xual encounter, she says,” That’ll be $100 please”. Nuff said.
8) If while out in public together(club, lounge, street) she ends up running into more guys than a offensive lineman,…..bench her permanently.
9) If she invites you to the crib, and some other n*gga shows up unannounced while you are there,….
draw straws to see who goes firstleave and don’t look back.10) If the honey pot smells more like a d00d00 pot, then the ‘turtle effect’ should commence. At which point you should promtly and politely shake her hand, and bid her adieu for
the eveninglife.she ends up running into more guys than a offensive lineman,…..bench her permanently.
I am trying to understand this… in running into more guys, how do you know it’s guys she has slept with? Or are male friendships/acquaintances banned?
@Sula
It really doesn’t matter considering that most male friends women have are guys they use to sleep with.
LOL at the turtle effect….lil’ dude gotta retreat back up if conditions ain’t right…
7. Wait. . .she didn’t get the money before hand? Talk about getting the milk for free. . .
Oh I forgot to contribute to the list
7) If he begins and finishes before the panties come off. Shoulda had his Wheaties…or some ginseng.
8) If chex is a necessary evil to get him to commit. Chex should be an expression of love, not a way to get him to express his love.
9) If the dog has plopped right in front of the bed/sofa/dining room table for a show.
I didn’t want no dang cool smiley face, I wanted a #8. Wack @ss emoticon…
I agree with the last point 1,000%! This should be on the top 10 things every grown person should know how to do. Esp for woman since typically it takes more work to have an orgasm.
Signs you shouldn’t be f**king
- if you believe that pulling out is an acceptable form of birth control (yes, if heard grown folk say this ish (side eye/wide eye (O_o))
- if you brag about you skills/size – chances are you have no skills and your penis is prolly the size of my pinky finger on a good day.
- if you “don’t do stuff” – I can understand working your way up to more freaky things with your partner, but to just refuse to do things is wack, you’re fired.
- if you wouldn’t do it with the lights on. I personally think that if you are going to share insides with someone you should feel comfortable enough for them to see every inch of your body!
A list I can get behind!
“- if you wouldn’t do it with the lights on.
Cosign to the 10th power.
I personally cannot stand complete darkness while playing “Kill Di B*tch”. The request to turn off all the lights reaks of insecurity and is a complete turn off. Plus I absolutely enjoy the visuals, so I MUST see EVERYTHING.
@Mr SoBo
Plus you need the lights on to conduct a 100 point inspection of her equipment.
personally cannot stand complete darkness while playing “Kill Di B*tch
swoon (fanning self)
I digress…there is nothing sexier than being nakkid with you mate…that eye contact and facial expressions (fans self again). I am not going to lie, I like a man that is built, but I LUVS me a chunky guy like Joel Ortiz/Irv Gotti ~so sexy(to see his rolls and back fat does something to me…no bs). You can’t have two small people getting it in…all them bones rubbing together is going start a fire…
I have shared too much again
HA! I don’t like chubby dudes but I <3 Joell Ortiz! He looks so cute n cuddly.
OMG…he is fineeeeeeeeee in that ‘call me’ video!
You can’t have two small people getting it in…all them bones rubbing together is going start a fire
i. hate. you. for. this.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
“but I LUVS me a chunky guy like Joel Ortiz/Irv Gotti
*thumbs up*
Kill di b*tch? bwah ha ha ha that’s funny. Yes I agree you must inspect and visuals are a must.
- if you believe that pulling out is an acceptable form of birth control (yes, if heard grown folk say this ish (side eye/wide eye (O_o))
Indeed. Them same mo-fo’s been pregnant twenty-eleven times still trying to pull out!
i’m mad late. i know this. buuut.
you AIN’T RIGHT about number one. committing to only people who have the same or close to what you have to offer doesn’t mean they won’t try to make you the ‘got gotten’ one in the end. lol. broke people love too.
the whole being uncomfortable talking about sex… well i had an ex that was very uncomfortable talking about it before hand. i thought he’d be superwack… but he superwasn’t when it actually came time to. soooo… yeah.
as for the rest of the list… very on point. and this: “i’d do it myself, but i’m scared that they’ll decide to hijack “champ” as retaliation.”
LMBO! i could totally see ‘champ’ meaning something gay. hahaha.
oh. and i saw anchorman finally. hilarious. CP time like a… lol
Pingback: Guest Post-6 signs you shouldn’t be f*cking « Mzmish122's Blog
The Last Airbender was so whack. And I am a huge fan of the show. M. Knight Sham-A-Lot had us by the nuts with “The Sixth Sense” and has been resting on the laurels of that victory for much longer than he deserved. Every movie he made after that was terrible in its own way.
But back to the post. If you have to lie about a relationship, then you shouldn’t even be in one. It takes too much time and energy to lie about being associated with someone when you could just not associate with them. And if your sex sucks you need to re-evaluate your life…or stop getting lied to about your bedroom game.
And yeah, the gay lexicon sure is filled with a lot of straight diction. (see what I did there).