at thursday’s the dating truth live, i moderated a panel where 6 of the pittsburgh area’s most engaging young professionals spoke about dating, relationships, and sex.
***as you can see, i’ve linked to a partial video of the event. because of the camera angle, you can’t really see much of me. well, lemme rephase that. you can’t really see much of me, except for my obnoxious-ass hands. gotdamn, lol. people have always told me that i speak with my hands, but i never realized exactly how aggressive they were until watching this video. it almost looks like i’m doing an impersonation of kevin hart doing an impersonation of a rapper. i probably should have just slipped a “real talk! i kill pittsburgh panel n*ggas!” in there for good measure.***
sometime during the night, one of the panelists (i forget who) remarked “the only dating truth is that there are no dating truths. we all just need to find our own way“, a statement that received a good 10 seconds of applause from everyone in attendance (including me), and it wasn’t until the next day that i realized how wrong that comment was. if experience has taught me anything, it’s that there are a few universal dating truths that are applicable to everyone and every situation, even if we don’t want to believe it.
here’s 5 of them.
1. catching (and keeping) feelings is a choice
we’ve all heard this story before:
after 6 months of bullsh*t convos over mediocre meals and half-assed bi-weekly sex, boy and girl kind of call it quits through a series of passive-aggressive text messages. boy moves on, but girl remains intent on holding onto one-ply thread of reconcilatory hope, stating that she “can’t help that she likes him so much, and wishes that she didn’t” while crying on shoulder of loyal (and cuckolded) “platonic” male confidant. dry-dicked platonic male confidant starts to mimic the unaffected behavior of boy, thinking that it will give him more sexual success, but not realizing that said behavior only works if women are trying not to like you. everybody eventually dies.
regardless of how attracted to someone we might be, we all have a little line in our head that basically says “ok. cross this point, and you’re going to start liking this person. don’t cross this point, and you won’t“. when you catch feelings, it’s not because some uncontrollable galatical force compels you to see grandkids in your future. no, you make the conscious mental and emotional decision to start liking them. and, when a person says that they can’t stop liking someone, what they’re really saying is “i don’t want to completely stop liking this person yet, because a part of me still thinks there’s a chance this might somehow work”
2. don’t do intimate sh*t with people you don’t want to f*ck, because you just might end up f*cking
***not to be confused with “don’t go to a buffet if you’re not hungry, cause you just might end up eating something” and “don’t date a mexican if you hate kids, cause she just might end up pregnant“***
3. nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t
the woman you’re out with tonight doesn’t care that the only reason you threw a spoon at the waiter is because you have anger and intimacy issues stemming from the weekends your dad used to make you wrestle baby deer on film. no, she just thinks you’re a creepy weirdo, and now her focus is on finding a way to walk out without having your creepy jame gumb acting ass follow her to the parking lot.
everybody has issues, and nobody gives a damn about yours. either deal with them and date, or don’t deal with them and stay home and put fawns in the figure four.
4. attractive people attract people
with this in mind, if you’re single and looking, it’s not the worst idea in the world to make the attempt to look attractive. like it or not, you’re in indirect competition with every other person on the market, so it’s in your best interests to compete.
get a haircut. shave (everywhere). brush your teeth. smell good. buy new clothes. work out. save the two year old hoop sneaks and FUBU basketball shorts for hooping, and save the mom jeans and the ridiculously unenthused hair for the saturday afternoon meredith baxter-birney marathon, not the club
5. some people won’t like you…and that’s ok.
regardless of how fabulous and unique you think you are, there are going to be some people who can’t stand the sight of you. sometimes you might even be attracted to these people, but you repulse them so much that they’d dry heave if they knew you were attracted to them. they’d rather f*ck a ceiling fan than throw a lay your way. to them, the only way your sh*t would stink worse is if it came out looking like you.
so, what do to? well, f*ck em. life is too short to dwell on who doesn’t like you and why they don’t. plus, you don’t like everybody, so why the hell would you expect that everybody is going to like your happy ass? brush your communist-ass shoulders off and do you.
people of vsb.com, did i forget anything? can you think of any other universal dating truths?
also (beside louie c.k. and patrice o’neal. wait, i gotta include bill burr in there as well), is there another stand-up act as consistently funny as kevin hart’s today?
—the champ
Was looking forward to this recap!!
Second…
the event went well. the panel was engaging and the other performers (the stand-up comic and the lobby singing performance) did their thing as well. also, i realized that i enjoy moderating panels much more than being a panelist. more control, and more opportunity to be snarky. basically, it’s exactly like being a teacher.
i have (tentative) plans to do this again in september and make it a hybrid panel/speed dating/singles party event
what no games?
And no midgets?
But, for serious, that’s a great idea Champers. Gotta check out the mini video sometime today. Monday is kicking my cheeky arse…
OOHHH
I was too slow! : / SHUCKS.
At 12:00 AM, I was refreshing like a ‘mug…to no avail.
Good list. I’ll be back at a more reasonable hour for more discussion.
i’ll be waiting. with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
Thank you Talk Show Host
Where’s my sandwich, Champ?
am i the only one that saw “here’s 10 of them” and wondering where the other 5 were when we got to the end of the post??
ummm…
inconsistencies.. i find em…
No you’re not the only one…lol
“inconsistencies.. i find em…”
find deez
Shouldn’t have to search for them.
Champ is so rude!! i’m laughin tho.. cuz i’m rude too..
am i the only one that thinks #1 is bullsh*t?
maybe yall should elaborate because it sounds…it just sounds wrong.
you’re that in control, Champ? really.
“wrestling baby deer on film? Bwahahaah. Wow Champie that sounds…disturbing. On the real #5 is my favorite, and I think the quicker folks realize that truth, the better off they will be.
#5 is the only one that has taken me so long to understand, lol.
That’s understandable Twinny. It’s a real freeing thing though when you can be “well, he’s not feeling me, and/or I’m not feeling this kat” and keep it moving. Saves a lot of time, and keeps the bullisht to a minimum.
#5 is the hardest part for most of us… but once you get it? It’s like Rebirth of the Slick!
Yep. All of these are pretty much right on point and all reminiscent of different convos I’ve had this weekend. I suppose that’a a co-sign on their universality, hmm…
like the chorus from “you fancy:, i’m in your head and sh*t.
Oh gawd, perhaps you are. That’s scary…but we’ll see how you do next time…
You take the good, you take the bad and there you have
The facts of life
good post
Although there aren’t 10 and these aren’t specific to dating but. Close enough
“Although there aren’t 10 and these aren’t specific to dating but. Close enough”
they are though. but thanks anyway and sh*t
again, Champikins, you did a great job moderating the panel on thursday. it was a very nice event and i look forward to another one in the future (minus miss you know who *rolls eyes*).
i think you’re spot on with the 10 (minus 5) dating truths. they’re pretty basic truths that are mostly no-brainers. but unfortunately so many of us have a hard time living them. i think if men and women spent more time trying to understand the opposite sex and their points of views (about life in general as well as relationships), some of these truths wouldnt be more people’s reality instead of just statements on a blog.
I agree with you Gemmie.
Really I wish every man was wired in a way that they could comfortably talk about relationships and matters pertaining to the opposite s3x. It is clear by the makeup of commenters on this site that women care to discuss and digest relationships much more than men do. I know men think about dating and women. Maybe it is something they discuss when there are only men around. Then again, we (our PGH crew) have relationship talks all the time with the men in our group. Maybe these conversations aren’t the norm and is of no relevance to my argument since we are all JUST friends.
i think our pgh crew may be an anomaly. we are pretty damn awesome and have managed to find a perfect balance among the sexes where we not only enjoy each others company for leisure activities (you guys shoulda been with us yesterday–pure foolishness late into the night), but we can also have open and honest dialogue about issues that matter to us (esp relationships).
bottom line: its become more and more apparent that our crew has to all live in the same city once we leave pgh. did we settle on the dmv?? because im ready to start scoping out communities that have enough homes for us to live in.
DMV sounds lovely. Hurry.
Yes…the DMV sounds like the perfect place!
(you guys shoulda been with us yesterday–pure foolishness late into the night)
I knew we were missing a good time.
I want a do over!!
We are awesome and cute. Why was I on craigslist looking at apartments in the DC area and Montreal? I think Overit & 8th Wonder will let us crash at their place if we cook for them. Right? Right!
Can they find us some employment too?
Oh and daycare for the cats.
That’s a whole lot of cooking, shawty.
ftr: if you move to mtl..i expect a visit to the tdot!
that is all.
carry on. lol.
@8th and Jai,
ok, dmv it is. you hear that Ivy & Sakena?? we need to start searching for a place of residence AND employment. keep your eyes and ears open.
i will start packing sh*t up.
“i think if men and women spent more time trying to understand the opposite sex and their points of views”
sex and sexual attraction has a way of messing up these types of convos in person sometimes, just because (some) people might not be completely honest because they don’t want to salt their shot at naked time.
cosign. Also alot of dudes arent trying to hurt women’s feelings and/or see you all cry. Some subject areas which may NEED to be discussed are sensitive in nature or involve some flawed aspect of someones personality.
Good take. Dang, my s*** does stink?!?!?!? UGH!
I love your user name.
Thanks mama. It’s actually my real name.
Good take. Dang, my s*** does stink?!?!?!? UGH!
yup. your sh*t smells like sh*t. (unless you’re a diabetic, of course. then your sh*t would smell like chocolate cake)
The last point, number 5, is what I wish I could tell some thirsty ninjas. It’s not that NO ONE likes them, they just cling to the people that DON’T like them, and that doesn’t make any sense.
It’s not that NO ONE likes them, they just cling to the people that DON’T like them, and that doesn’t make any sense.
it does make sense. it’s short-sighted and self-defeating, but it makes perfect sense
in my defense,sometimes it’s hard to believe that a person isn’t into you because of the positive feedback you get from the majority of people. now, yes, this is sort of conceited and a hot mess, but…..ok. so when you stumble on a person that is lukewarm to you, it’s intriguing. you wonder what the hell they have goin on that has them lookin at you like, “meh.” and, if left untreated, it can become a fixation. i mean, that’s what i’ve been told, but i don’t know for sure…Excellent job on the panel, Champers. Bravo. Now bravo deez.
Regarding your post, I lean towards the belief that there are no truths. No one has a formula. No one has a clue (lol). Sh*t just happens, but don’t worry, I’ll still attend your events. Regarding your truths listed above, I agree with everything you said EXCEPT for number 1. I have no control over my heart. I can get caught up and stay on cloud nine after a good, juicy, kiss. (for realz) And when the love goes sour, sure, I can leave that person alone, forget their number and (eventually) delete them as an fb friend, but that doesn’t mean I won’t still hurt, wish, and wonder.
I agree with Champ’s number 1 and I tell people all the time. Loving someone romantically is a choice in the fact that you choose to allow yourself to get to that point with someone. If you choose not to date someone, exchange phone calls and texts all throughout the day, kiss them, bed them, etc., chances are you will not “fall” for that person. As I’ve heard said before, love isn’t just a disease that you just catch out the blue. It’s our actions (decisions) that leads to caught feelings.
yes the choice is ALL in your actions baby….you don’t have to act on feelings/attractions etc you can choose to stay away or go the other way….
That’s where the choice is Miss Patterson….
I agree MONK. That’s why people don’t “accidently fall in love” with other folks’ husbands/wives.
Your heart has to be open and you have to invest time and opportunity to allow that type of emotion in.
Loving someone romantically is a choice in the fact that you choose to allow yourself to get to that point with someone
I keep saying that to my girls to no avail… You have COMPLETE control over your heart (well, your brain really)… Yes, it might hurt and be unpleasant, but you make a decision to like someone or not to like them. It’s a conscious decision…
(Reason why I do think arranged marriages end up working for the most part)
oh patty cakes i wish you were with me and Ivy (and dwade and sandchez) on saturday at doc’s. doc (the owner) was talking to us about relationships and droppin some serious knowledge.
so to me this idea that we “cant help” who we like/love is probably more of an obsessive behavior rather than an emotional connection. women, esp, can be so passionate and put so much into relationships, even if the relationship is no good for us. and once we feed into this passion, we are relentless and obsessive. perhaps we convince ourselves that we “cant” stop liking/loving some one because we have such strong feelings for them when really we choose NOT to let go of the good feelings we experienced (i.e. the honeymoon stage of the relationship) before things went downhill. we keep wanting to get “the old thing back”.
i think once we can decide to let go of what we cannot control (a relationship that cannot/will not work), our feelings of like/love will dissipate. we can move on and focus our energies elsewhere.
“Regarding your truths listed above, I agree with everything you said EXCEPT for number 1. I have no control over my heart. I can get caught up and stay on cloud nine after a good, juicy, kiss. (for realz)”
lol, you just proved my point. you just stated that you made a conscious choice (a kiss) to do something that can lead to cloud nine, and “wishing and wondering” how to get back to cloud 9 are also both conscious decisions as well. plus, you don’t wish and wonder about something unless you want it.
basically, you’re wrong.
No. You’re wrong. Matter of fact, choose deez, n*gga.
For sake of the argument, let’s take the kiss away…are you telling me that s*xual chemistry is something that you can turn on and off like a light switch, even when you’ve never acted on it?
Furthermore, you’re assuming that these without these conscious decisions (to kiss, bed, etc) that one would never feel the rejection of unrequited feelings. My argument stands: I can develop feelings with or without s*xual action, and still be hurt by the fact that it is no longer reciprocated.
are you telling me that s*xual chemistry is something that you can turn on and off like a light switch, even when you’ve never acted on it?
being physically attracted to a person? no. actually having feelings for that person? yes
You’re such a boy!
Btw, I’m hungry.
In order to develop feelings you chose to entertain them in conversation as the dude approached you when you knew he was spitting game….and you liked it!
@Miss Patterson
Since your belief is that one has no control over their heart,sh*t just happens, etc then you must be extremely prone to cheating. Are you a cheater?
Good question! I never thought of this lack of control over ones heart or feelings as being traits of a cheater. I sometimes think cheaters cheat to cheat and it has nothing to do with anything (not love, feelings,) more than control over a situation.
Well, that was my point: Falling in love and cheating are one and the same.
Cheating is a choice, just as much as ‘falling in love’ is a choice.
The reason being is that they both require effort/action on ones part before he/she gets to that point.
No one ever wakes up in love. One has to be taking steps, trip along the way, and fall face first into a pile of hot stinking love pie. Thats why they call it FALLING in love.
Having the believe that one is a slave to their feelings, infers strongly that an individual has no discerning ability or control of whom he/she falls for, or more importantly, when. Ergo(I alwasy wanted to use this word. Go Matrix Reloaded!), since one has no control & timing is irrelevant, your heart will never factor in your current relationship status, which means you will inevitably cheat. You will fall for whomever, wherever and whenever.
As you can see, this belief is flawed.
The Reality
The same steps that lead us down the path of love, are in actuality, the same steps needed to lead us down the path of infidelity.
For either of the above to occur, one must choose to embark upon these journeys(i.e. meet, date, spend time, call, text, etc).
Without the journey, there is no destination.
Choice always precedes action, and both precede the end RESULT whether it be love or cheating.
Good question, but no I have never cheated. I’m not trying to make it sound like I think with my libido, because once I’m committed to someone, I’m with them, period. What I was trying to convey, is that feelings are not something that we can operate like machinery. Sure, we can decide not to sleep someone or kiss them, etc, but feelings are not that simple. (sidenote: Can men do this? is this why y’all can be so aloof in the aftermath?)
Like I said upthread, I can walk away from a situation when I know it’s not working, but I will still *feel* a certain way about that person even if it’s consumed by hurt (and voodoo dolls). just kidding about the voodoo.
are you asking can we be faithful or can we operate emotions like machinery? Yes to both. Regarding emotions i think for many dudes when we meet a chick even if we click we are not all mesmerized and having visions of us being together for the future so we take things slower, as a result sometimes the woman gets feelings before we do and then oftentimes things can get awkward.
are you asking can we be faithful or can we operate emotions like machinery? Yes to both.
so basically y’all are not human… *side eye* as emotional as y’all can be sometimes I call BS.
haha yah we can be very emotional, but for many thats not early on that or its repressed because your homies will clown you. Seriously, i laughed at my friend the other day cuz he went on one date and was acting too geeked. Tragic, i am part of the problem and not the solution.
smh “why do you hate love and why won’t you let me be GREAT?”! (word to Panama, Mr. Jackson if you nasty)
@Miss Patterson- “Good question, but no I have never cheated.”
So then you chose not to cheat. Which means you chose not to allow yourself to become involved in situations(outside of your relationship) that would possibly result in any development of feelings. Premptive strike. So by keeping yourself at a distance, you are in a sense controlling your feelings by not putting yourself in an ‘environment’ that would trigger them.
I agree that it is DIFFICULT to control feelings once developed. But it is easy to control the ‘environments’ in which they are developed, cultivated, and thrive. Avoid placing oneself in those ‘environments’.
One does not need to be a machine to accomplish this.
Dear Mr. Sobo,
I think we actually see eye to eye on one issue. I do think you can control the environments in which feelings are developed, but who does this? Who walks around preemptively striking out potential situations for feelings to develop. And what kind of love life would that be? I pretend to quit men all the time, but I haven’t completely given up on the prospect. I always leave myself open for an opportunity at love. And that’s what I’m saying, unless you have completely shut your self down and said, “eff love!”, you are going to be at risk for catching feelings in a scenario that cultivates more than you bargained for. But see, I really believe that we’re wired differently. Men are impervious to feelings. I rest my case. lol
Regarding cheating- I don’t *choose* not to cheat. I’ve literally never been tempted. Now, I’m not sure if I was just young, sprung or d*ckmatized, but when I’ve been in a relationship I kind of forget other men exist. My heart is a sucker.
@Miss Patterson – “…but when I’ve been in a relationship I kind of forget other men exist.”
If only this were universal among your kind. *sigh* I’m googly eyed right now.
Yeah good question, but just because you don’t control your heart it doesn’t mean your heart cannot be exclusive to one person does it (loyalty and love are different emotions)? I mean, if I fall for one person and not be in control of that, that don’t mean I’m gonna fall for someone else as well… there can be room for just one at a time, no?
@ Yeah So…
lol!
I see you got the extreme double negatives going on today. What are you asking exactly?
LOL… I’m so poetic! AnyWAY! Point is, I disagree with your logic about falling in love and cheating being the same… why you ask? Because in order to cheat you have to deceive and those that are comfortable with doing that usually find that they were never or no longer in love in the first place. *b-boy stance*
Have you ever deceived your parents – you know, lied to them about where you have been, or where you are going?
I’m sure you have at some point or another. At the time of deception, did it mean you no longer or never loved them?
*helicopter spin with nut grab*
Crowd yells, “Hoooooooooooooo!!!!!”
*up rock* of course I’ve lied to my parents *into a re-run* but that’s different *robot* I wasn’t choosing between two parents… follow-me…
comparing my emotions for my parents and lovers- eh no bueno! Not to mention I was young then… Would I deceive my parents now? Well, now I know because I love and respect them I don’t really go there in the first place… not to mention, their expectations of me have changed with age so ultimately they love me enough not to ask certain things of me as well… I digress. When it comes to loving someone tho for women like myself… sex with another woman- not really a problem, falling in loving with (catching feelings for) another women- YOU’RE DEAD TO ME because yes being in love should be mutually exclusive *air flare into leg behind head freeze*
WHOA!
@Mr SoBo
Have you ever deceived your parents – you know, lied to them about where you have been, or where you are going?
I’m sure you have at some point or another. At the time of deception, did it mean you no longer or never loved them?
but you not fcuking your parents. that is an intimacy that you share with your mate. *prison pose*
I’m DEAD at this whole exchange. Ya’ll are funny!
@Yeah…So & Jai
*I see your robot and I ‘Megatron’ my way back into the ring*
Love is love. *Electric Bugaloo* So let’s not get hung up on the familial love vs romantic love. *cartwheel*
Regardless of the type of love, you are not supposed to HURT the ones you love, yet we all do so at one point or another. So deception is not an indicator of one’s love. Deception is an indicator of ones respect. *backflip into a split, no hands upslide to the wave*
Choosing between lovers is a result of an earlier decision to be involved with two people. *bankhead bounce*. Had one not allowed his/herself to be placed in an environment where one would ultimately be faced with such a dilema, *backslide -aka -moonwalk* he/she would be faithful. Love works the same way. Choices lead to love. Choices lead to unfaithfulness. Love can be present in unfaithful situations. But respect is not synonymous with love. Love doesnt keep your @ss at home. Respect for yourself and your mate does.
i too am dead by the furious five themed convo going on.
I got served… good argument. @Mr SoBo *one-arm ehug”
This exchange is making me laugh out loud in the office. Thank God for y’all, because clearly my gchat friends s*ck azz today. (Sorry, y’all.)
Mr SoBo is dropping knowledge right now. that is all.
its all about choices. I absolutely agree with him.
maybe I’m a machine. hmmm. but I also happen to love a LOT and deeply, so that can’t be it either…can’t call it.
@Reecie,
Using logic and reason does not mean you are a machine. It means you are able to understand that love and alladat comes from the same place as reason,logic and alladat…
I personally think that we decide who we want to love and who we don’t. We might be conditioned to “fall” for a certain type or the other… or it can even be that our physiological composition reacts better to a certain person than the other… but at the end of the day, you decide whethere or not you “fall” for them or not…
@Sula. Hey, Sula!
Machine.
@Miss Patterson,
Hey Darl!! Lol@Machine…
Come over to the
machinelogical side of the equation… It’s a pretty nice place to be.And seriously, I think I am pretty emotional. I cry at movies and I cry when I am frustrated. But I still maintain that most of the time, the “feelings” we think we can’t get rid of are more so about us accepting that we failed at something. It’s not really about this other person being the mythical greatest white hope or anything, but how can I ( or Miss Patterson in this case) not be able to make this work, etc…. which kinda brings it back to #5… Acceptance that not all things are supposed to be…
Plus, you are Miss Patterson, no matter what you know that you’ll share the rest of your life with a very awesome person: yourself! There. You are ahead of the game already.
aww…Miss Sula. I’m all verklempt now. Thank you. You’re awesome.
no that ninja did not say CARTWHEEL and BACKFLIP INTO A SPLIT… (x_x)don’t know how I missed it the first time.
“when you catch feelings, it’s not because some uncontrollable galatical force compels you to see grandkids in your future. no, you make the conscious mental and emotional decision to start liking them. and, when a person says that they can’t stop liking someone, what they’re really saying is “i don’t want to completely stop liking this person yet, because a part of me still thinks there’s a chance this might somehow work””
Champ, you betta preach!!!
BUT why you gotta put me on internet blast like so?
I didn’t want to stop liking him because I had no one to like in replace of him. Wanted the attn at times… *sad sigh*
5. some people won’t like you…and that’s ok.
THIS is the most difficult thing for me to swallow and accept.
BUT why you gotta put me on internet blast like so?
i do it because i know what’s good for you. follow the leader and sh*t
This list is pretty on point. I know that 1 one had me wanting to disagree, but in the end after some self-control, it’s the truth. I wish that it worked the other way around and you could easily choose to have feelings for someone that you don’t. That would make life easier on a lot of us.
I’m still feeling the pain from running into number 5 a few times while in High School, although I’m fairly certain I didn’t actually repulse anyone. Not that they’d tell me, though.
Sane, I co-sign your comment and this entire post! I’ll admit that #1 has been a struggle for me in the past but self-control IS the key. Letting go can be hard even if it’s THE most obvious choice.
Also, the “Silence of the Lambs’ reference was so unexpected that I almost fell out of my chair! Champ, I adore your randomness. *hugs*
@SaneN85
** I wish that it worked the other way around and you could easily choose to have feelings for someone that you don’t. That would make life easier on a lot of us.**
yes this would make my dating life easier. If only this were possible.
It’s impossible for you to repulse anyone. Don’t believe him. That’s something exclusive to men only. lol
I wish that it worked the other way around and you could easily choose to have feelings for someone that you don’t. That would make life easier on a lot of us.
you can do this too. it is possible to completely surrender yourself to the idea that you’re in love with someone. if you don’t like/love someone, it’s because you don’t want to.
as you can probably tell, i think the brain plays much more of an important role in our love lifes than the heart does
I can’t agree with this one! I’ve gotten to this place, where I’ve decided to make a conscious decision to love with my head and the heart will follow (bc I will drag it). So this guy is PERFECT on a love resume, but I can’t get my feelings to follow. Instructions??
So this guy is PERFECT on a love resume, but I can’t get my feelings to follow. Instructions?
you’re still convinced that there’s someone else out there that can fill whatever void this otherwise “perfect” guy has, so your brain is still holding back your feelings.
Filling the feelings void I guess…my brain is saying dont pass up almost perfect, waiting for perfect (bc it might not exist). I still believe that the spark that they have in the movies is real…granted it’s never happened to me yet. Hope it’s not as fictional as the rainbows, unicorns, and leprechauns
no
… I’m sure everyone that didn’t wait on perfect and went with perfect enough is divorced, filing for or contemplating it.
I still believe that the spark that they have in the movies is real
f*ck a spark. sparks are overrated. spark deez.
@Champ
“f*ck a spark. sparks are overrated. spark deez.”… way to f!ck-up a good time Champ. *side note* Won’t that hurt? *shivers*
haha my homeboi JUST this morning said “Never will you find a girl that is 95% compatible. Hell a 80 is good lol but they(women) pass up on the 85 and 90s wanting 100s”
I agree with some parts of this because there has to be some sort of deep connection, feelings should never be instant but you should feel some sort of romance but fireworks most likely wont occur.
The real question is would you be happy and would he?
To yeah…so. Nobody is perfect. Soulmates are for movies. cynicism.
@coldsweat3
:-O… how can you say those things Coldsweat?!?! I know this is supposed to be tuff love but no wonder everyone just gives up so easily when it comes to relationships. I am PERFECT… for somebody. *leaves stage in tears*
I believe that the spark exists. However, it will only appear when you have come to know yourself without bias. Meaning you are aware of your strong points, your faults, your value, your annoying and backward behavior, et cetera, et cetera AND you are okay with them. Then you know what you NEED and what you want. At that point, you will run into a potential partner and if you are both at the same point and want a relationship, the spark will happen. Why? Because you both made a choice to make it happen. also- I don’t buy into the whole soulmates ideology. Depending on where you are at in life, you always have a group of potential partners. It’s your choice and decision to get it crackin’
i think the brain plays much more of an important role in our love lifes than the heart does.
With that said, the next panel should have a neuroscientist that does research on love.
Like I mentioned above, I do agree. And that’s one of the primary reason why arranged marriages tend to work out… People deciding to love their partners….
“This list is pretty on point. I know that 1 one had me wanting to disagree, but in the end after some self-control, it’s the truth.”
Yeah I really wanna disagree, but after reading this post very carefully (as well as the add-ons by the VSPs (very smart persons…not people…persons sounds more bougie), I think I’m gonna have to agree. I really wanted to disagree, too. Dag nabbit.
Thanks, Champers for making me think…and sh*t.
Aziz Ansari….the dude is hilarious..all the time.
you know, i’ve checked him out a few times and, while i think he’s funny, he’s not in the class of the other people i mentioned. if louis c.k. and patrice o’neal are lebron and kobe, aziz ansari is danny granger.
I luv how the ladies are dressed up and the dudes are umm not! lol! :-/
sigh* we try soooo hard!
eh. you know, i wouldn’t say the ladies were “trying too hard”. they dressed how you’re supposed to dress if you’re on stage at a theater in front of an audience. the guys were underdressed.
exactly… I just meant we (females) mostly always look nice while guys don’t even try… thats all!
but thats the world we live in today
#4..
Imma have to disagree with #4: attractive people attract people. We’ve all seen “mismatched” couples that have left us shaking our heads in wonderment. She’s a 2 and he’s an 7-8.
Yes, I’m thinking of one couple in particular.
I know a couple like this too. He is HOT. She looks like she should have been in Apocalypto. Everyone we know has confronted him about this and he claims that she is hot. I think she did some crazy Mayan voodoo on him.
Like WOW… why can’t that “2″ get her’s?
This sounds like one of those situations exemplified by Champ’s post, “The Test”. Perhaps the different ideas of what a man considers attractive and what you consider attractive have come into play…then again, maybe she’s a lady in the streets and…
Naw dog, she’s a 2 and that may be giving her too much credit. Objectively speaking, she’s facially challenged; however she is height-weight proportional and I know ya’ll VSBs say that trumps er’thang else. I wish there were some way that I could let ya’ll see her FB pics. Maybe she doesn’t photograph well.
CrissieD, I think you’re onto something with that crazy Mayan voodoo.
Mayan Vodoo or can she mimic Karinne Steffans? Cuz that will do the trick too….
“attractive people attract people.”
I think you are only referring to physical attractiveness. There are other types. For instance, have you ever dated someone that wasn’t a 10 but you still were attracted to them. That just means they have other (non-physicsal) attractive qualities about them.
Also attractive is a vague and arbitrary term. I’m sure that is why Champ used it but really it means nothing since attraction is specific to each person
… just realized # 4 was only talking about physical attraction… carry on and disregard last comment
I think you are only referring to physical attractiveness. There are other types.
Exactly. Talent is attractive. Humor is attractive. Intelligence is attractive… Heck, money is attractive! So this imaginary scale of 1 to 10 that people use to rate others is indeed flawed…
The only logical answers I have seen as to why this is:
* he’s gay
* she is d@mn good and swallows
* he’s gay
* something is wrong with him
* he met her when she used to be fine
* they went through something tragic together
* he met her when she used to be fine
___________________________________
examples:
ll cool j and his wife
tiny and t.i…..although his “fine”ness is debatable too, really. but enough broads think he’s fine so that he has fine man options. but i digress. i’m sure tiny was fine when they met.
i wanna say denzel and his wife, but i get mini-offended when people say he’s too fine for her, because she’s still a very pretty woman and it’s mean for people to play her like that. still, though, she was probably extra fine when they met, so i think it counts.
Imma have to disagree with #4: attractive people attract people. We’ve all seen “mismatched” couples that have left us shaking our heads in wonderment. She’s a 2 and he’s an 7-8.
what i meant was that if you’re single and looking, you should try to accentuate your attractive qualities.
if you’re single and looking, you should try to accentuate your attractive qualities.
This should have been the title for number 4.
“We’ve all seen “mismatched” couples that have left us shaking our heads in wonderment. She’s a 2 and he’s an 7-8.
Yes, I’m thinking of one couple in particular”
as we proved a couple weeks ago, women have no f*cking idea about what makes a woman physically/sexually attractive to men. so, everything a woman says about another woman’s looks is taken with a 6 pound grain of salt.
Naw, she’s a booga wolf/swamp donkey. And that’s an objective analysis.
Those intangibles that SFG mentions above (especially those of an intimate nature) are what bring 2s up to 7s. She’s still a 2, but a 2 who swallows (nttawwt).
*snickers*
Agreed!
I can agree w/ ur list overall…. but in the end #5 is the lesson we gotta remember! Whether u dated that person or not #5 is the truth… ok, u dated and had a relationship or he talked to ur friend and not u… its ok, life goes on!
Get ova it…
Whether u dated that person or not #5 is the truth… ok, u dated and had a relationship or he talked to ur friend and not u… its ok, life goes on!
reading this just made my ears bleed
lol! my bad..
I will do betta next time sir!
To answer your question regarding contemporary comedians, in short, I’ll have to give a pretty adamant “no.” Kevin Hart is easily the most consistently funny comedian on a national stage. IMO right now Kevin Hart is Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash and other comedians are runners not named Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash. Maybe Louis C.K. is Tyson Gay (but really…do we care?)…
By his own admittance he does have a LOT of self-depreciating humor, but I feel as if he’s a more sophisticated comic than some immediately realize. And then “we” lucked up big time cause he’s black………
I was recently cursed out for not laughing during his recent special. Apparently Dash is a hater with no sense of humor, and an inability to appreciate a genius at the top of his game.
Woah timeout homie! I’m as big of a KH fan as any, but I wouldn’t attach the #genius tag to Kevin Hart, or anything even close to that. He’s consistent, and I like him cause he’s not in the dirty black comic mold. The playing field is a lil weak at the top though. There are some very talented comics on the club circuit w/o they hype of a KH. Regardless, dude is hilarious to me. But to each his own you know?
With that being said, I doubt many people would say his second special was as entertaining as the first, but what can you expect from a sequel?
I just watched his new comedy special last night and I was literally in tears for half the show. But let’s not go throwing the g-word around. Dave Chappelle and, to a lesser degree, Chris Rock are the only Black comedic geniuses of our generation.
I’m still thinking on Champ’s question about other comedians who are on top of their game right now. Somebody mentioned Aziz Ansari and I do think he’s hilarious, but not as consistent as Kevin Hart. I like Louis C.K., though I don’t see him much anymore after his HBO series went off.
Ian Edwards is not famous yet, but he is funny. Dave’s show was genius, but I have always found his stand up leaves a lot to be desired.
“Dave’s show was genius, but I have always found his stand up leaves a lot to be desired.”
i agree
It’s alright, I wasn’t laughing as much as others seemed to be, either.
Wait our generation? but you leave Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx off? Though these guys got a little meh after their careers really took off they were INSANE during their stand-up days… INSANE I tell you!
Wait our generation? but you leave Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx off?
they don’t count because none of them do stand-up anymore. plus, chris rock (who i don’t even bother mentioning because he’s in his own stratosphere) is better than each of them anyway.
I only brought them into the conversation because Chris doesn’t do stand-up anymore either… not to mention while I LOVE Chris, nevermind I guess you have a point.
I’m not really big into Louis but I actually LOVE Bill Burr. I mean, he makes my stomach hurt from laughing.
And yes, Kevin Hart is consistently funny. “Grown Little Man” and his stuff at Shaq’s “All Star Comedy Jam” had me dying.
P.S. Is Katt Williams REALLY retired from comedy?
P.P.S. Is it possible for Chris Rock to come back from what I thought was his first somewhat sub-par special in “Kill the Messenger”?
“Kevin Hart is easily the most consistently funny comedian on a national stage. IMO right now Kevin Hart is Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash and other comedians are runners not named Usain Bolt in the 100 meter dash. Maybe Louis C.K. is Tyson Gay (but really…do we care?)…”
thing is, what makes him so popular (the ability to tell “safe” jokes about relateable subjects) is the same reason why i don’t put him in the louis ck or patrice o’neal class yet. both of those comedians teeter on the edge of “wait. should i be laughing at this?” and i don’t think you can be looked at as a true comedic “genius” unless you take those chances
I agree with you in that he does have an easily digestible brand of comedy. Though he does stay mostly in the “safe” zone, he is consistent and I think he works hard at his craft. As much as I love the genius comics, I also appreciate the lighter, less assuming comics as well.
Can I just throw Lavell Crawford into the ring. I’m not even sure what he’s actually saying 50% of the time, but his facial expressions consistently have me dying.
disclaimer: i just came from inception and feel like my brain just took a metaphysics exam and failed (excellent movie tho!). so while my brain decompresses, i’ll attempt to make sense out of my cents.
ever hear the cliche: there’s 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth? well, that’s pretty much how i feel about dating. mens realities and truths are a HELLUVA lot different than womens. and truth? truth snickers at us, because we both eff up a pretty simple thing.
if we were all honest and real with ourselves 1st, than we could be with other people. its things like society stigmas, socialization, environment and greed that get in the way.
i will say number 5 is the hardest to deal with (esp if you’ve ever tried online dating). the LOGICAL side of me recognizes that i’m not every man’s cup of tea, but no one likes being rejected (in real life or electronically). if someone doesn’t like you – sure you should just move on..doesn’t mean a read/delete or even worse unread/delete isn’t going to sting a little.
i stand by my original statements in a previous vsb post that there are NO universal truths when it comes to dating. Substitute truth for rules, and we all know that there are 1,753,236,777.65 exception for EVERY rule.
soo…im off to figure if it was all a dream. Biggie.
“ever hear the cliche: there’s 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth? well, that’s pretty much how i feel about dating. mens realities and truths are a HELLUVA lot different than womens. and truth? truth snickers at us, because we both eff up a pretty simple thing.”- Why Yes keisha brown…..so true always three sides to everything …..Sad, but true nonetheless….
Bajan (nice feet) where yuh been sistren?
I agree Keisha, we need to be honest with ourselves. It’s hard but necessary so we don’t repeat the same evils and yes there is nothing universal about dating except take a shower before hand.
they been working my like a crazy person, BUT it’s good to be back, gonna try to be all up & through here, I missed all of this witty stuff, and Thanks…LOVE this new OPI “limited edition” color, it’s got diamonds in it-No Dave Chappelle
6. Unfortunate-faced people put in more work.
Moral of this story: Stacey Dash is lazy.
^^@ Luvvie
She’d be hollywood gold if she could really act…damn those green eyez…
@Champ
To answer of stand-up question…Corey Holcomb is still underrated comedian. His “keep it real” persona rivals patrice o’neal, and the small details of his hood’ humor are relateable to a large section of black folks.
I totally agree on Corey Holcomb, ” I get him”.he IS..funny as he!!!
Corey Holcomb is still underrated comedian. His “keep it real” persona rivals patrice o’neal, and the small details of his hood’ humor are relateable to a large section of black folks.
i like corey’s act too.
But that’s only if you know that you are unfortunate looking. Otherwise you can be just as cocky, if not more so than a good looking person.
lmfao
Now that I think about it…she is lazy ain’t she? Being hot is tough…
I wanna agree with number 1, cuz I know that after a while I can be like f em and go on about my life if something doesn’t work out. However, I know that there was a time when someone I hadn’t even thought about and hadn’t seen in like three years just randomly appeared on the street by running into them. Then all of sudden feelings came back that were “gone”. Now said person was on my mind again. dangit.
nostalgia is a bitch
I’ve been trying to convince a friend of mine of #4 for so many years now, I finally gave up. She would go out looking SO damn dowdy (White, blonde, very pale, I’m talking lip balm & limp hair – that is all), then complain that she wasn’t getting any looks. & when I asked her straight up about changing her appearance & putting a little more on it (like SOME degree of makeup, SOME clue that you own a comb or brush) she said she didn’t want to appear as if she was trying too hard. So she’d rather look like she’s not trying at all. I’ll never understand that ish…
#5 is still hard for me to deal w/, which is really silly. But at least I’m honest!
So she’d rather look like she’s not trying at all. I’ll never understand that ish…
maybe she’s a vampire
If only!
Good list Champikins- although some “truths” are still hard to face and make me sad
Like #1 and #5, but that’s just me) , and yes Kevin Hart is funny as he**, specially when he talks about his kids….Seriously Funny, and as far as your hands on the video-( you sure you ain’t got no Eye-talian in you? cause you shol was doin it with the story tellin hands…just sayin)…
why does number one make you sad?
Great points
Louis CK in “Louie”..pure genius! Funny and smart….
oh
I also co-sign this post!
have you seen his stand up act before?
Although #1&4 don’t sit the best with me, I believe if I give them more thought I’ll agree with you.
you’ll come around. they all do, eventually
Number one is truth. The mental gymnastics people go through is amazing, and it is the main reason I shy away from younger chicks (23 and below) because they’re still figuring this out, granted it’s not a hard and fast rule, but a good rule of thumb.
In other news, I’m off the corner and suited and booted today. I got a job back home doing call center bullsh*t for comcast. It pays the bills, and I’mma be out when the fall semester kicks off.
are you leaving the DMV area
Not so bad if it gets you off of GA Ave.
I’m gone til’ November and give a kiss to my mutha,..
Naw. I’m not gone. I went home for the fourth and I really, really, really enjoyed eating food I didn’t pay for, so I’ve been slow to get back up to DC…then I heard some folks were hiring…I ended up with a job, cuz I need the cash. So naw, I’m not leavin anytime soon. They think I’m here on a permanent basis. I’m just gonna work for 4 weeks and dip.
Nods head on #3. I don’t want to hear about how your ex gf is a *fill in the blank* cause she slept with your brother/charged up your AMEX/ left you for a nucca who looks like Uncle Ruckus twin. Work out your issues before you try to take me anywhere and make me think you just got off a 72 hour hold with your crazy talk.
“3. nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t”
I agree, but only to a limited extent. I really don’t expect someone I go on a date with to give a care about what I’m going through. During the dating phase she would have no vested interest enough to care about what I’m having or had to deal with…she’s just trying to assess whether we’ll continue to try to develop this that we’re doing.
HOWEVER, let it be known that whenever I have dated, I made it my business to “care” about her bullsh*t. Being the analytical type, I take the stance that there is nothing that she could tell me that I wouldn’t want to know. The more she tells me, the more I can use to recognize patterns of behavior. If all of her stories are about how someone did her wrong or how it’s someone else’s fault that sh*t in her life went left, chances are, there’s a reason all these things have worked out badly for her….her! So yes, boo, I care…tell me everything, the rest of our lives is at stake here.
Major co-sign
Caballeroso…are you my baby daddy? (I have no kids, btw, so no Maury)
LOL, seriously, I JUST started figuring this out. I mean, I knew it, but I didn’t practice it. I would tell what folks wanted to know, not the WHOLE truth. Because for every dude who says they want the truth, there are 8.95 of them who want to smack you (Chris Brown), run for the hills (Sound of Music) or use it against you (?). So, circa 1992, “you can handle the truth” became my motto and I only gave MY truth. You dig?
Now, I realize that if you can’t handle the WHOLE truth, you can’t handle me and I’ve effectively committed to saving time this way. I’d have to say I’m 74% more lonely now, but I’m 100% satisfied with not dealing with the bs. Word!
I’m loving the new username!
Thanks. I couldn’t roam the site all ambiguous and stuff. Had to put it out there, much like yourself I see
ewwww @ Uncle Ruckus twin LMAO
@Keisha Brown-”ever hear the cliche: there’s 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth? well, that’s pretty much how i feel about dating. mens realities and truths are a HELLUVA lot different than womens. and truth? truth snickers at us, because we both eff up a pretty simple thing.”
You are wise, girl. No wonder I look forward to your comments.
Btw, for some reason, I thought your real name really was Keisha Brown. Now I’m thinking it’s something like Gertrude Jainkins or Telly Mae Johnson.
@meka
aww… what a nice thing to say! good thing my boss is away all summer so i can comment alll i want! lol.
about the avi name – it’s actually a funny story how it came about. a dude was asking my girl about a girl he met that he knew she was friends with.
dude: whats up with your girl?
my friend: which girl?
dude: you know..keisha..keisha brown
mf: WHO
me when she told me the story: WHO THA HAYLE IS KEISHA BROWN??? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.
and that’s been my alias ever since. ; )
ps: DEAD @ Gertrude and Telly Mae.
#5 spoke to me loudest. Good post and well communicated.
thanks and sh*t
Patrice O’ Neal is that NINJA. I always know that I am going to get a good laugh out of him..he use to host some VH1 internet show that they canceled (azz wholes). Outside of bp’s, I would say I LOVE Kathy Griffin…mostly because she doesnt give a fcuk and talks about everybody. If we are doing females (pause)…then I would also include Lisa Lampenelli….she is a bit vulgar but still funny.
Patrice is a fool, especially when he asks people have they heard of nasty positions, and then explains it to them (like the Dirty Sanchez). Lisa Lampenelli is wild and not for the the easily offended.
Mike Britt’s segment in “P. Diddy’s Bad Boys of Comedy” (Season 2) gets me every time. I’ve probably watched it 50 times, and I still laugh. He’s not as funny when he’s on “Best Week Ever”, though.
FYI CBG: I’ll soon be writing more of the stories you enjoyed from my original blog for as a weekly contributor on Counterfake.net.
I will definitely have to check that out. Your writing is really good. I have an overactive imagination so reading your stories overloaded my brain a little bit. lol
Thanks.
*blushing…
Mike Britt’s segment in “P. Diddy’s Bad Boys of Comedy” (Season 2) gets me every time. I’ve probably watched it 50 times, and I still laugh. He’s not as funny when he’s on “Best Week Ever”, though.
did you ever see rasheed thurmond on that show?
“Why every time I come in here, the cat’s layin’ on the bread?” LOLOL!
Rasheed was the TRUTH….seriously gone too soon
Daniel Tosh and Tosh.0 cracks me up….
me tooooooo! i DVR it..
How about what Panama said about setting standards higher. Like the guy that only attracts “chicken heads” because he subconsciously avoids classy women and talks to the girl with her thong showing. Or the woman who only gets players because she meets all her men in the club or actually turns around when a man yells “ey ey ey”.
I dunno. I think there’s no exact science. I used to keep a list, listen to my committee aka friends, etc At the end of the day it all boils down to if you are “feeling” this person or not. I don’t think it’s anything you can control…you just know if you like them and if you do: don’t sabotage it. I’m starting to realize I’m alot more incontrol of my life than I realize. Btw, my sat night date was b.o.r.i.n.g. Poor guy. He was super cute but dry. He said he was nervous and barely looked me in the eyes. *sigh*
Oh and side note: Men if you are not serious about dating…don’t. Just hook up with randoms. Save us real women the time and trouble. Yeah I said it. I’m going to get my coffee now. Good morn-ting.
Men if you are not serious about dating…don’t. Just hook up with randoms. Save us real women the time and trouble
@SFG: AMEN. That is all.
“Men if you are not serious about dating…don’t.”
i agree but I am starting to think that men just date differently from women. When i first met my ex, he told me he was “dating” 3 other women. By dating he was taking them out to dinner and things of that nature. I don’t think he was sleeping with them only because he and I never slept together during the dating phase. Who knows. I was confused by this practice at the time. He told me that he dated a few women at a time and when he found one he liked, he’d cut out all the rest. Sadly, I made the cut.
Me personally, I only can date one guy at a time out of fear that I will like them both and not be able to decide which one I should try to have a serious relationship with.
Yeah, its a shame how totally incapable I am of dating more than one guy at a time. I tried it once, and ended up pretty much falling for both of them. Not a pretty situation a’tall.
@ 8th and Ivy,
ive never had this problem (of liking the guys im dating simultaneously). yet i still would prefer NOT to date multiple men at one time. i dont have that kind of focus. and really, i dont have the energy.
A few months ago, I was actively dating four different guys and that ish was hella stressful. Once, I almost sent the wrong text to the wrong person. I need to at least cut it down to two dudes at the same time.
@IvySt and 8th Wonder
Sad but true. I try to have a bunch of “options” but it’s extremely difficult to juggle. Then you run into problems when they all start liking you and you have to choose. Men, on the other hand, confuse me with their dating definition. Dating leads to relationships so if they aren’t ready for a relationship what is the point in spending quality time with the woman? Champ touched on this above. It’s like they hit the 6 months mark then shoot the “i’m not ready to commit” deuces. Chris Brown.
Yeah, the juggling gets really overwhelming, at least for me. And then, in the case of these two guys, they both were such genuinely good men, that it was near impossible for me to choose.
Dating leads to relationships so if they aren’t ready for a relationship what is the point in spending quality time with the woman?
because we’re either trying to decide if she “makes the cut”, or biding time until someone better comes along.
Close-bussing, if you will…
Yes close bussing indeed. And for many men, it doesn’t matter if we “make the cut” cause they weren’t planning on committing to us anyways…those are the men I was referring to.
The reason that many guys date more than one woman at a time is because we want to meet the actual you. Your representative is NOT real. some of you will say otherwise but it’s true. You put on your “I will show you whatever type of woman I think you want to see to get you” face.
It is in a man’s best interest to keep his options open until he determines he has met the “real” you and is satisfied with who you are as a person.
to those who disagree, it may not apply to you but do us all a favor and tell your friends to stop with the games.
No Bullsh*t
Putting up the “best” face is not unique to women. Unfortunately, it is just part of the game that men and women play in the beginning and we all need to stop it.
@Sandpaper
I agree. That’s why I never answer the “what are your turn-offs” question because I feel the man is just taking a mental note of what not to do. This I think is not exclusive to women because everyone puts their best foot forward. You typically won’t see the real them until a few months in and a good old fashioned argument. That’s why I try to hold out on, meeting my parents, the mini me, etc until at least 3 months.
I’m raw from the jump. They tell me it’s a great quality. They say say they like when a guy doesn’t bs them to try to get the kitty. Later on its the main point of contention. They say they want the truth but we all know it’s only a matter of time before it becomes too much for them.
Why is living in the real world so hard for so many women?
No Bullsh*t
Why is living in the real world so hard for so many women?
Did someone drop a Maxi in your punch?
@sandpaper
i disagree with 2 of your statements:
“It is in a man’s best interest to keep his options open until he determines he has met the “real” you and is satisfied with who you are as a person.”
and “Why is living in the real world so hard for so many women”
This is not unique to just women. It is in EVERYONE’s best interest to keep their options open, because all EVERYONE does in the beginning is try to make the best first impression. First Date = Job Interview. No one is ever completely raw. You may think you are, but you aren’t.
Living in the real world? You say this about women like men never play games (emotional, physical or mental). It’s men like that that make it hard for woman to make the right decisions. The women that live in the real world are single because visiting fantasy land gets us into trouble 10 times out of 10.
I stand by my original statement. Be real with yourself first and the rest will follow.
I know for me personally, as I’ve gotten older, the friends with sexual benefits (need to be specific cuz benefits comes in all kinds of packages) thing holds no appeal. It’s very tempting at times, but the emotional fallout isn’t worth it anymore. I know this, so act accordingly when men come at me for purely sexual purposes. I let him know that I appreciate the compliment of wanting me, that I appreciate his honesty of what he really wants and to go find a chick who is willing to give him that. Plain and simple.
@Sandpaper
I’m guessing you deliver your honesty with a touch of rude sarcasm? I’m a realist too and believe in the truth however there is a fine line between being honest and then being rude. I notice many men who adopt this “i tell it like it is” tends to be the same person who lives in denial about themselves and it’s usually everyone else who has the problem and not them.
The truth is hard to take when delivered wrong. People know when you’re saying it because you care and will admire your honesty. I actually agree with alot of what you say here on vsb but you seem to have a problem with women in general. I could be wrong as I don’t know you.
I can’t say men like it either…
A majority of my men friends want Unicorns, Lepracauns, pots o gold and Lucky Charms…
I can only give the Lucky Charms..
“when keeping it real goes wrong”
@KB,
“This is not unique to just women. It is in EVERYONE’s best interest to keep their options open”
I agree with you but It has been stated by a few women here today that they CANNOT date more than person at a time. It all about emotion and one’s ability to control their’s. Men(most) can handle it better.
“Living in the real world? You say this about women like men never play games (emotional, physical or mental). It’s men like that that make it hard for woman to make the right decisions”
So you agree with the statement I made last week about a man managing a woman’s emotions? After having lived “in the real world,” dated, loved and hated men, shouldn’t the right decision become easier for women? “Of course” would be your reply but we all know better. You also are placing all of the responsibility of YOUR choices on the man.
No Bullsh*t
@SFG
“I’m guessing you deliver your honesty with a touch of rude sarcasm?”
Most of the time I do. Being 6’3, 220 and handsome has allowed me certain liberties.
“you seem to have a problem with women in general”
I have a problem with PEOPLE in general. I think the rest of the world makes everything much harder than it needs to be. I also recognize my own faults. I’m far from perfect but I know myself and will be true to myself.
No Bullsh*t
@Sandpaper
You do realize that you just said people put their best foot forward and don’t show you the real them upfront, right?
*lacing up Nikes*
So it’s safe to say that a women can see that nice, wonderful side to a man at first and then he starts to show her the real him. Which would make her right in blaming him for wasting her time.
*rubs vaseline on face*
This is what we refer to as a bad choice, the old bait and switch, aka lying aka not telling us on date #1 that you have a record etc.
*wraps up hair and takes off earings*
I notice you skipped over my direct message to you. Well I’m going to need you to be nicer to the VSS’s on this site cause we run in packs. The same advice you give to us women…you should acknowledge yourself and other men as well. Don’t make me get ugly up in here. o_O
I’m sorry y’all I got suck at “Being 6?3, 220 and handsome has allowed me certain liberties.”… yum @ arrogance… I’m such an enabler.
#asyou were
“Most of the time I do. Being 6?3, 220 and handsome has allowed me certain liberties.”
…and this is null without a pic. You know better….and don’t say you’re chocolate either and have muscles.
Don’t do it.
I’m with SFG… we gon need some evidence to support this statement… otherwise “be gone”.
@SFG
“So it’s safe to say that a women can see that nice, wonderful side to a man at first and then he starts to show her the real him. Which would make her right in blaming him for wasting her time.”
That is what’s called “projecting.” How can she know “at first?” She made her decision based on outward appearances. That is why players have nice wardrobes. She wasted her own time.
I’m not in a good place today so I won’t be sparring with you. I attended my family reunion this past weekend and I am sorely disappointed with my male relatives.
No Bullsh*t
“You also are placing all of the responsibility of YOUR choices on the man”
No sir I am not. I have always said that EVERYTHING starts with self.
Look, things SHOULD be easier with experience. There are those who take dating failure and look at them as lessons on not what to do. Then there are those who wash, rince and repeat.
@SFG and Yeah…so
I will change my avatar one day soon. My build is similar to T.O.’s. I’m a shade lighter though. All of that and my intellect is the reason why I am so arrogant. I know myself.
Now you know.
No Bullsh*t
@Sandpaper… All I know is something about alladat just makes me wanna punch you in the face a lil… sorry about your menfolk brethren.
@Yeah..so
I hear “I hate you” at least 4 times a week.
No bullsh*t
@Sandpaper… I find that easy to believe, but I doubt they say that in the literal sense (and I’m sure you know that as well)… Here’s what I have to say about your arrogance (cocky-rudeness if you will). I agree with SFG when she says its all in the delivery and I personally find men who can make a point clear and be considerate of those that are listening more attractive than a 8 button lime suit to Steve Harvey (lol)… why you take so much pride in hurting folk’s feelings?
Sandpaper is no fun. He’s in a bad mood ladies. Awww, booo. It’s too easy to pick him apart but I’ll wait until he posts a pic before I start thinking he’s 4’5″ with a small package and fancy car…(and never had a chance with the ladies.) That’s usually the only time I find men who are intentionally rude to women and somehow feel like they’re doing us a favor in tearing us down. Either that or he didn’t get enough hugs growing up. I’m here for you Sandpaper. You come back when you’re good and ready. It’s all love.
No Bullsh*t
“All of that and my intellect is the reason why I am so arrogant. I know myself”
My momma said if you dont got nuthin nice to say..dont say nuthin at all. *insert bbm zipper mouth emoticon
@Yeah…So
“why you take so much pride in hurting folk’s feelings?”
It’s more fun for me that way. I know that you ladies would prefer that I whisper it sweetly in your ear but I prefer to hit you over the head with it. I don’t take pride in hurting anyone’s feelings. This is the internet. If my words hurt your feelings then that is weakness on your part. Regardless of the delivery, the information is good and that is really whats important.
My sincere apologies to anyone who feels offended by my delivery. I doubt that it will get any better.
No Bullsh*t
My Avatar has been changed. You may now begin picking me apart.
No Bullsh*t
@Sandpaper
LOL… uhn huh… Sincere my @ss! lol
@SFG
“That’s usually the only time I find men who are intentionally rude to women and somehow feel like they’re doing us a favor in tearing us down. Either that or he didn’t get enough hugs growing up.”
And you derive all of these things based on my internet persona?
I stated a while back to Liz how I would be operating on this site. I come here to debate. I add in the offensiveness as an obstacle to you. Most fall for it, or on it. I shouldn’t have to spell everything out for the readers. This is VSB. Most here should be smart enough to figure out what I mean. 75% of what I say has double meanings (and I mean both of them).
Your psychoanalysis is wrong. I was spoiled as a child(I know thats part of my problem) by my family. Spoiled as a teenager and adult by women. You and your sisters made me who I am.
No Bullsh*t
“I don’t like that sh*t. *chewing a banana* (THE FRUIT fool!)… Sand you’re grossing me out!
Huh?
the reference is from Belly… Up thread I said yum to your arrogance but now it’s just making me nauseous #whenkeepinitrealgoeswrong
No Bullsh*t
I was too tickled by his comment, but I love this^^ more because I say/type that often.
I love that scene in Belly. LMAO
@Yeah So
I’m laughing my @ss off!!!!! I got it the first time. That officially put you in my fav list. I heart you!! LMBO
Waiting on you to pick me apart, Dr. SFG. Today will be your best chance to succeed.
No Bullshit
*sigh* Sandpaper o Sandpaper. Believe me I can be a smart @ss. Trust me I get your dry humor and sarcasm. Most of the time I agree with you. We are >>>here<<<< on alot of subjects. I think you're missing my point. Epersona? This is you allowed to speak freely simply because you can remain anonymous. Bragging about women disliking you and your obvious dislike for them is lame. We all vent, everyone knows I do but I love men. I love my brothers and look to ya'll. I just don't like the angry black man. I think you are this way for your own humor and not necessarily to inform us of anything. Frankly you just like being a smart @ss…and you think you're funny too. I see you cuttin into women on here and trust you are no Champ or Panama. You're probably that dude that sits against the wall clowning every woman that walks past. Women made you this way? Brotha don't make me laugh. I find it hard to believe you get alot of play from women…and that's probably why you are this way.
Go see a shrink.
gurrrrrl… you did THAT! *hi5, accepts SFG fav list sash and tiara* lol
i’m late to the party, but *ehugs smartfoxgirl and sends friend request*
who actually calls themself 6’3″ and handsome? and i have an issue with men that like to insult women. it’s weird. and ghey. NTTAWT. and if the guy’s not openly ghey (cuz in actuality, ghey guys usually don’t insult women, only the down low ones….hm..) then it’s just gross.
no bulls*it, yall!
Yeah So I’m still laughing at the Belly reference…just picturing him with the pieces of banana on his lips. DWL @ Charli
@SFG
You’re wrong again. I don’t brag about women disliking me. When they say “I hate you” its because I helped them to understand an ugly truth in an ugly way. When I say ugly way, I mean I also tell them what part they played in said problem and Im usually right. They smile uncomfortably and say “I hate you” then “thanks.” If I were that bad why would they keep asking me for my take on their problems? Women love me. I’m much nicer in person. I’m actually kinda quiet. Thats part of my Scorpio-ness.
You can believe that I suffer from dry-d*ck if that makes you feel better. I call bs on that though. You said yourself that you agree mostly with everything I say. I do try to inform. Some just don’t care for the delivery.
Women did make me this way. Many are as shallow as men when it comes to physical appearance. I know that I get away with too much.
That is really me in the pic.I am all that I say that I am. Your argument loses credibility when you resort to name-calling.
Now that we’re done…what are you thinking? I hope you feel better after getting that off of your chest.
No bullshit
“Go see a shrink”
My name is Andi and I endorse here -> X____________
*this post got caught in moderation so it may appear twice*
@SFG
You’re wrong again. I don’t brag about women disliking me. When they say “I hate you” its because I helped them to understand an ugly truth in an ugly way. When I say ugly way, I mean I also tell them what part they played in said problem and Im usually right. They smile uncomfortably and say “I hate you” then “thanks.” If I were that bad why would they keep asking me for my take on their problems? Women love me. I’m much nicer in person. I’m actually kinda quiet. Thats part of my Scorpio-ness.
You can believe that I suffer from dry-d*ck if that makes you feel better. I call bs on that though. You said yourself that you agree mostly with everything I say. I do try to inform. Some just don’t care for the delivery.
Women did make me this way. Many are as shallow as men when it comes to physical appearance. I know that I get away with too much.
That is really me in the pic.I am all that I say that I am. Your argument loses credibility when you resort to name-calling.
Now that we’re done…what are you thinking? I hope you feel better after getting that off of your chest.
No bullsh*t
WOWWWWW.. (in my best flava flav voice).
um.. yeah.
soo..how bout that oil leak???
*crickets..
I’m not wrong about you. The more you type, the more you confirm what I was already thinking. I did agree with your points…but your delivery is wack and egotistical. That’s it, that’s all. Whether you get the point is up to you. Stand in your denial and refer to avi which doesn’t show a thing. As if good looks justifies a nasty attitude. Like I said, I see your avi and I don’t see a thing. Get over yourself. Confidence and humility are sexy. Consider me your best friend cause I just gave you a world of advice. Good night.
Its the delivery. I have understood that from day one. Since everyone here has fragile sensibilities, I will start sugar coating my messages and stating them in a way that even a child can understand. You have changed me.
I stand corrected.
Good night.
I was just about to shut down, but I can be a lil late to my next engagement to say this…
Your avi… Ion’t see sh*t, which is lucky for me (according to you) so I don’t get all caught-up in your FOINE-ness(which is wack for a guy to brag on his appearance like dat)… Just what is your point Sand? You claim to be helping women as you tear them apart. I’m very familiar with the likes of Scorpios, I happen to be one as well and with that comes intuition and sometimes callousness… you use those same helpful traits tho to hurt others and you dress it up in “advice” (but clearly this attitude comes from resent for a woman that hurt you) Maybe… maybe the women with whom you deal thank you with “I hate you”s while deep down inside they’re hating themselves… regardless of the medicine I question your motives to aid them. You don’t have to mean to get a point across and you don’t have to talk down to others for them to know you’re intelligent… I have a few observations of my own of you but honestly I just don’t care to deal with this issue any further… I doubt you’re taking any of this in, making this even more so a waste of everyone’s time.
Bwhahahaha I’m late- smh! good nite…
@yeah…so
My delivery in real life is much nicer. I have stated on many occasions that my demeanor on this site is for my entertainment. I even said that today. I’m sorry that no one caught it. I’m “taking in” everything. You know we scorpios don’t miss much. I am dead serious about the sugar coating and simpleness of my future posts. Just remember, you asked for it.
i know it’s later than late in vsb world, but had to throw in my last 2 cents (2.46 cdn).
@sandpaper, i can only speak for myself when i say i come to vsb for education and enlightenment. as a late bloomer, i have always appreciated the male opinion. the knowledge hasn’t stopped me from taking some missteps in the matter of the mens, but its still nice to hear from the other side.
you state that you are here to be an hst-disturber and for entertainment, but it seems to be at the cost of the women. your tone is condescending at best, and feeds into the worst that we think about men at worst.
if you’ve read anything that some of our vss’s have shared (rape-axe article), we’re strong, fearless, independent, kicka$$, single mothers, tough-love aunties and more. we’re not wildflowers that wilt at the first type of some dude who can spew whatever words he wants, hiding behind a computer. your demeaning post about ‘sugar coating’ your future posts is unnecessary.
ask yourself, what you are contributing to the conversation. what is the point of your posts? sure being an antagonist is fun, but why do it?
at the end of the day, i cannot control what you do, what you write and how you write it. we’re all adults, and we’re not always going to agree with each other, the least we can do is keep it respectful.
i agree but I am starting to think that men just date differently from women…By dating he was taking them out to dinner and things of that nature.
I don’t know if we all date differently (I’ve known several women to date/spend time with several guys at the same time), but I do think our approach to dating is diff. than many women. As men, we generally appreciate the variety that’s out there and take full advantage of it.
Dating is kinda like eating at a buffet…you sample what’s out there until you find something you really like…some men(and women) put several things on their plate at once…others, such as yourself, may just sample 1 item (i.e., man) at a time…if you like it, you go back for more. Either way, having someone on your plate is better than an empty plate altogether.
Is it DG?? what if ALL the courses/dishes being offered aren’t very appetizing, healthy etc? than an empty plate is better, than a plate full of BS that will kill you. make you sick, that’s nasty etc….glad you made the point of variety though, because that is how most men date, not too seriously for fun and variety…
I see what you mean… that last statement came across wrong…what I was trying to say is that it’s good to have the OPTION of having someone to date, not necessarily be in a relationship with…could be someone you really like, or it could be someone you tolerate but you need to get out of the house.
That buffet analogy is true in more ways than one. Lots of ppl go to buffets and load up on unhealthy foods that they know aren’t necessarily good for them…and then go back for 2nds and 3rd helpings. Same with dating…lots of folks go to the same places, date/consume the same types of folks, etc. Unhealthy lifestyle choices aren’t just limited to food, I’m sure.
LOL, I’ve used it before, the Buffet analogy. in, “why go if you not eating” LLS to describe places and activities and such……some people do live like any ol warm body is better than nobody, sad, scary but true.
Good analogy DG! I’m going to use that buffet reference.
I meant to ask you about that..have you talked to the delivery guy yet?
Yeah I talked to him Saturday. It was awkward convo but the first one usually is. He said his brother owns the restaurant. He has his bs in business but is unemployed (so I take it he works for his brother). Which really isn’t a big deal. I was more concerned at how little he asked me about myself. lol He wants to meet up during the week which is hard for me cause I have my daughter and I live alone. I dunno, we’ll see.
I totally wholeheartedly agree with #3. There is no rule that says you have to immediately jump back into a situation with someone after having been put through the ringer in your last relationship. if you think you’re going to have the urge to act even in the LEAST bit insane due to your baggage, stay your ass at home. They have ointments for that. Heal yo’self. Then come back to the world. Tevin Campbell.
#1…I struggle with that sometimes, but I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. When it comes to some guys, I’ve definitely been a masochist for love.
8th Wonder..yeah I have struggled in the past with that too, Lord my heart took an awful pummeling in that last situation dealing with an ONION (refer to Keep It Trill’s last blog post), I acted on what I felt, debating what was worse at the time, the what ifs of not acting and walking away never knowing what could have been, or all the hurt “suffering a rare rare blue” that incidently has left me forever changed, def not the same person I was before.. but def alot wiser baby bout thangs I had never cared to know.
I think number 1 takes self-awareness. It’s something we develop more and more over time with age and experience. Who knows their limits and boundaries until they have been tested?
Who knows their limits and boundaries until they have been tested?
THIS!!!! *hating i had to learn this at the ripe OLD age of 27*
Yeah, I dealt with a life-changer as well. I’m grateful to him in a way though. I have a strict no BS policy now….the instant I see it going to a bad place, i’m out, no questions asked.
@8th wonders
That’s my problem right now. I think (I know) I’m not ready to date. I’m finding too many reasons to cancel these brothas and spending time with the one I know I will probably never fall in love with. Sad but true.
2. don’t do intimate sh*t with people you don’t want to f*ck, because you just might end up f*cking
sooo true. I had to give this ‘devout Christian’ an evil side-eye. He knows that I am celibate and he said that he was too…but asked if he could wrap my legs around his ears like some earmuffs of course he claimed he didn’t want anything in response and we wouldn’t have to do anything. PAUSE. (trying to use that as a method to get the drawlz…that is the ULTIMATE setup..smh)
***sidebar…I twitpic’ed my avi because this is one you have to see up close and personal
response should have been *return
Ummm….so are you going to tell us what this avi is?
Lmao. I’m scared.
I saw THIS when I while at the grocery store…I tweeted a pic of it…no bueno
He knows that I am celibate and he said that he was too…but asked if he could wrap my legs around his ears like some earmuffs of course he claimed he didn’t want anything in response and we wouldn’t have to do anything.
HA!. this reminds me of those “innocent” fake-ass massage contests friends have with each other in college.
or the…I can’t massage you in that position, why dont we go to your room and you lay down…I cant get to that spot…why dont you let me unhook your bra strap…ninja please LOL
Oh wow Champ! This sh*t was so on time! Like a mofo really needed to hear this… “You go boooooooooiiiii!”
Oh wow Champ! This sh*t was so on time!
thats what she said
#5 took me the longest to learn. Maybe because I didn’t have to learn it until later in life. All my life, my father, mother and grandmother always made me feel like I was wonderful. I always had lots of friends and male attention growing up so I never thought different.
It wasn’t until I started graduate school that number 5 slapped me in the face. I met a guy who was starting his residency at the same time I started grad school. In my mind he and I were perfect (at least on paper). *skipping to the end* During the final days of our relationship, it dawned on me that he just wasn’t into me. He didn’t have an attraction for me. There were no sparks or romance. He thought I was a cool person but nothing more. This was a direct blow to my ego. How could he NOT like ME?!?!?! I’m perfect! I’m what most men want to take home to their mom. I’m getting a PhD in neuroscience and i speak PROPER English. lol! I could (still can) cook, I was in shape, I attended and fit in at every boring doctor dinner. What more could he ask for?!?! After almost 3 months of trying to figure out my flaws, it dawned on me that I was fine. He didn’t HAVE to like me. Just because I was a good person and a good women didn’t mean that he would like me enough to want to be with me. As soon as I figured that out, I was on to the next, better than before. #5 has allowed me to accept who I am and accept that it’s ok for folks (men) not to like me. This comment may have missed the mark, butI got it off my chest.
oh well…
Amen, sista.
@Ivy St: this comment definetely was on the mark.
kinda goes back to the ‘why/how are you single’ question.
maybe the answer is simply: because i havent found someone that i like that likes me back.
not only likes you back, but wants the same things, are looking in the same direction etc..like my Granma RIP used to say, “someone that will walk down the middle of life’s highway with you”
3 can be really hard because the movies make it seems like guys really wanna get to know you under that icy exterior. Romanric films show us that guys really want to uncover the real you no matter how crazy or aloof or just weird you act. It can be a tough pill to swallow that they really don’t care. Same with number 5. It’s like, “How can anyone not think I’m great? I’m ME!!!”
3 can be really hard because the movies make it seems like guys really wanna get to know you under that icy exterior. Romanric films show us that guys really want to uncover the real you no matter how crazy or aloof
life is too short for all of that sh*t
Damn straight.
I think some women have a different definition of subtlety. By definition, it is something not immediately obvious, but you’d get later. I think they ignore the second part of the definition, then wonder what happened.
Example: You (male) and your gf are discussing a Friday night activity while finishing up your sodas. You suggest a comedy show, she refuses, but offers nothing else. You make arguments as to why you should go, she continues to rebuff you and then says, “Why don’t we just make it a personal ‘me time’ night instead. You go to the show, and I’ll do something else”. You agree. Friday, 30 minutes before the show, you get a call. “You didn’t tell me when the show starts, now I can’t make it”. “I thought you didn’t want to go?” “What? Didnt you notice the ice in my glass melting? That was a hint that my resistance had melted away and I’d changed my mind.” “Ok, I know we’ll be a bit late, but I can come get you in the next 15 minutes”. “No, it’s too late. Just go to the show. Next time pay attention”.
she sounds bipolar….lol
@Keisha Brown
That story is too funny. I had something similar happen to me except the guy tried to lay his mack down although I wasn’t feeling him. At the end of the night, he asked for my number and instead of giving him my real number, I gave him Google Voice number. This ninja gonna say “Your name is Veronica right?” Um, no.
My name is actually a play on “meka.” But considering “meka” is the root to the universal ghetto girl name, my name could be LaMeka, ShaMeka, Meka, Tameka, Tomeka, Timeka, KaMeka…Well you get my point.
@Meka
Fee-Fi-Fo-Feeka..MEKA!
(Sorry..Im caffeineited…)
#6 Actually get to know people before making any major decisons about them, unless you are looking for something fleeting. Dating is about making time to do things with the other person that will enable you to get to know them better and than decide if you can relate on other levels.
So I say date everyone and anyone weekdays from 7 a.m to 7 p.m. for no longer than 2 hours because after hours and week-ends are for people who have earned my time e.g. I, family, good friends, mentors, etc.
I was always afraid to date because I thought it meant I had said yes to a relationship, so I dated men and would somehow end-up in a relationship wondering what in the hell, thinking if only I had sussed him out better.
Dating and relationships are very different, date anyone and than decide if you can relate.
so I dated men and would somehow end-up in a relationship wondering what in the hell, thinking if only I had sussed him out better.
thats interesting. most women say that they date to lead to a relationship, but they cant really find guys who are cool with that idea. you’re saying that you didn;t want relationships, but apparently kept dating guys who did.
Some almost universal truths…
1. Don’t try to date an ex or see if you can work things out. An ex is an ex for a reason.
2. It’s okay to go to a movie on a first date. People always say this shouldn’t be a first date choice, but why not? If you have chemistry and like the person, can’t you still want to know more about them? Folks act like everything needs to be known on the 1st date. Geeesh.
3. Ladies stop sexin’ on the 1st date! Guys only say they think it’s cool so that you will open wide for them.
4. Guys, please stop trying to play it extra cool to the point where you act like you reeeeaaaalllly don’t care. You only come off as a jerk and it’s annoying.
damn…cosign the entire list!
Ivyette COSIGN…and this whole texting thing. If you want to get to know me, Call Me. Don’t text me “ay how was your day?”
I have seriously been debating just telling dudes off the break that I don’t have texting activated on my phone for this VERY reason. I’m not telling you about my whole day via text, stop being lazy and call me if you’re interested, wtf.
I’ve had dudes get personally offended when I say, “I really don’t like texting, please call me when you get the chance”
I’m agreeing with you all over the place today. Texting is okay for quick check ups when you’re in a relationship or know the person well but in the first month or so? Ugh. One guy kept texting me good morning, how was your day, and good night (everyday). Then he would call at 11pm or so. Ninja please!
yeah, just…don’t do it. I don’t mind getting texts during work hours, but even then, keep it to a minimum. Let me know you thought about me, and that you’ll hit me up this evening. Anything else is lazy in the dating stage.
“Ladies stop sexin’ on the 1st date! Guys only say they think it’s cool so that you will open wide for them.”
what i’ve figured out..there is no rhyme or reason to when a woman should or shouldn’t open herself up. it depends what she wants.
i was recently dating a dude. like actual dates. convo good, shared costs (he paid for dinner, i paid for movie..trying to be progressive and let him ‘be the man’..hard balance), spoke every other day
(knew his sched of when he had ball), blah blah.
We were going to eat out, but final game of BOS/CLE was on, so I said let’s order in. Watched the entire game, had dinner. Once the game was over.. um.. well.. you know how the story goes. One thing lead to another..
He was noticibly different afterwards, so we had a grown up convo to ease his mind that i wasn’t going to turn into a stalker. He said all was cool. It clearly wasn’t cuz he slowly withdrew until he disappeared all together. I went to Chicago and he never returned any of my msgs (re the phone he loaned me while the bb was getting fixed). I made effort and eventually closed the file. It wasn’t heartbroken, but it annoys me that the fallout of sex always falls to the girl. This clearly wasn’t something that was planned (I dont have condoms in my house because it’s been THAT long..smh), we had sex TOGETHER and yet I’m a HO? Ugh. Whatever.
PS: we were dating for at least a couple of months.
well damn…was it even worth the wait LOL
@jai. sadly no. maybe that’s why he dropped off the face of the planet? im not a lazy lay, so im not saying it’s me, but sometimes (esp with unprompted 1st time chex) the chemistry is just off. Maybe he just believes Im a ho. I dont know because instead of being an adult – he disappeared.
And VSB’s have constantly told us to not try and decipher a man’s words, or his actions, or his brain or…
yeah something similar happened to me earlier this year. I liked him, we’d been talking for a while. We didn’t actually do the do, but we came very, very close…..an ‘everything but’ situation if you know what I mean (and FWIW, he took care of me first). But then I didn’t hear from him for a while….then he resurfaces claiming his phone was messed up…then he dipped back under. ugh. I dunno if things would have been different if we hadn’t gotten physical.
He showed you his card. You were smart in holding back. If you gave him your time and were good to him then he wasn’t ready or was all about the chex. Either way, you walked away with one less notch on your belt. Kudos.
1. Don’t try to date an ex or see if you can work things out.
I don’t know if that’s a truth, or a universal truth at the very least. It might be a good rule for some, but I have seen enough couples getting back together and making it work the second time around to not consider it an exception… My parents being the example I’m closest to… They dated for a number of years, separated for 3 years, the relationship was rekindled….and they got married and had beaucoup children (ok 4) and have been doing it for 32 years now… So those things are as fluid as dating itself…
Now, if one applies The Champ’s advice (which are really universal truths of life in general) chances are one would be able to discern between the ex not worth going back to and the relationship which was just bad timing and can be worked on…
“plus, you don’t like everybody, so why the hell would you expect that everybody is going to like your happy ass?”
I felt like I this was a major takeaway today, lol. good post.
I tend to think there aren’t any universtal truths to dating. And the 5 you listed, especially 3-5, are more about relationships in general, not just romantic pursuits. Though, I do agree with the basic idea of the list, especially #5. Number 5 can be said about friendships, work relationships, and dating. Reminds me of that episode of Golden Girls where Rose tried to make her co-worker like her after he already said he didn’t like he. lol.
It’s sad, but some people desperately want to be liked by everybody, and will do all manner of nonsense to achieve their goal. smh…
And where’s my sandwich, Champ?
You know not to trivialize folks comments or feelings but I think I learned #5 in elementary school. def by the end of middle school!
What you said is very true alot of these things are just truths about relating to folk period across the board.
Number 5 was definitely learned in elementary school. I even remember the situation. lol. Second grade was a hard time for me… lmao!
And where’s my sandwich, Champ?
where’s my bullet?
@bajanflchick-this is so off topic but thanks to you, I tried my hand at making shrimp and grits. It was fiyah! I made it twice in one week.
Now I need a new recipe to try.
Wow…. me glad you likey….who gives a dayum bout off-topic….LOL , LOVES me some shrimp & grits though…. what else you looking to cook??? ummm (stomach growlin right now fa real)
How did you make the shrimp and grits. Please share! I love to cook
Because I love the shrimp and grits at Wishbone in Chicago, I used that reciipe. I didn’t use parsley or lemon juice. I used minced garlic instead of pressed garlic. The first time I made it, I put too much sharp cheddar cheese in my grits. The second time? it was juuuuust right!
Bajaflchick, I’ve overdosed on shrimp lately so I’m abstaining for a month. How about a good chicken recipe? Oh and I love some rice. I’m pretty sure I’m Blasian.
@Ivy St. here’s the recipe:
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/member/views/SHRIMP-AND-GRITS-WISHBONE-CHICAGO-1211623
@Meka- although I am a “pesceterian”- just fish for me….I do love to cook & I cook for others all, of the time, how bout some “bajan chicken” with peas & rice …yum , here ‘s a good one that was on The Food Network http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/bajan-chicken-recipe/index.html….make some peas & rice with it & you’re good to go…:-) you can find the peas & rice, or rice & peas recipe online as well…. Enjoy, and let me know how it works out for you
I’ont like peas! But I’m going to trust your culinary talents and try it. I’ll let you know it turns out. I might cook it this week. I might also try apple coffee cake.
I forgot to say “Thanks!”
girl, I think I replied to Jai instead of you, it’s Monday WTH? any how….see below about the veggie fried rice & you are welcome…:-)
@bajanflchick
I heart you even more now! I’m a pescatarian too (for about 8 years). Basically we are vegetarians that eat fish (no Ellen)
LMAO @ NoEllen..- I actually started out as skraik vegan, but due to not gettin enough protein & what not, added in the fish for about hmmm 10 years or so totality including the skraik vegan & pescatarian ….and don’t even miss the meat …(well at least not the , er um nevah mind )
You’re welcome & you ain’t gotta make the peas….actually you could so some veggie fried rice…hmmmmmm yum, that would be just as good …
I don’t think she means green peas if that’s what you don’t like. I’m thinking she meant carribean style peas and rice, which is made with pigeon peas which are like small red beans.
Thanks! I’m on it come next pay day.
Wait…Beez and I went to Wishbone on Saturday!! Cryptic comment!
Cosign number three. So true. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been a date and have heard “well, the last guy I dated…..”
Ladies, I can tell you that if anything you’re about to say begins with that phrase, it’s an automatic FAIL. I don’t care what your last man did (good or bad). I’m not him. I don’t look like him, act like him, and generally just couldn’t care less what he did for or to you.
Not on a house. Not with a mouse.
I do not care.
I gotta complete co-sign with that. Who I dated before you has nothing to do with you. I will give you the respect you deserve by getting to know you based on you, not someone else. All I ask is for the same respect in return.
I think this is def. one of those differences between the sexes. Women generally wanna know ’bout your last relationship(s)…how long did it last, why it ended, how you feel about ol’ girl, etc. Supposedly, it helps them gauge where our heads are at (i.e., if you refer to your last woman as a b*tch, h0e, etc = you got issues). On the contrary, we could generally care less about dudes in their pasts….our only concern is “does HE know that ya’ll aren’t together anymore?” Lol
lol… well thanks for indirectly answering MY question… I guess it makes sense. *shrug*
I can understand your point, but that information is better gleaned from observing how he treats you. Let’s be real here, people lie.
Even an asshole of astronomical proportions isn’t going to come out and say “well, my last relationship ended because I banged out shorty’s sister…..and her Moms…..in her bed.”
Instead he’ll swear you up and down that it’s her fault.
Surprising… I’ve had ninjas tell me all kinds of sh*t while others have been hella secretive and honestly the truth-tellers got WAY more respect in my eyes (no poon, but definitely my respect lol) and the others just came across as annoying.
“does HE know that ya’ll aren’t together anymore?” Lol
Incidentally, that’s the one question I need a definite answer on… Yes, you may not have a girlfriend but is there anybody out there who might think they are your girlfriend? If so, then see ya later.
Everybody knows by now that just because you broke up w/ someone doesn’t mean that s/he broke up w/ you. I ain’t tryin to be out somewhere on a 1st date, and some slightly off-lookin cat roll up on me talking ’bout, “So u her new nigg@, huh?” lol
Word!
“Ladies, I can tell you that if anything you’re about to say begins with that phrase, it’s an automatic FAIL.”
D@mn sometimes it’s just goes with the conversation… it ain’t always a d@mn comparision. Ugh! I hate when guys act like before US didn’t exist. Don’t wanna tell isht about their past nor hear about your’s… wtf is that about?
Well, they couldn’t have been that important if you’re now on a date with another guy, right?
Him asking you is one thing. In that case, sure go for it. But just rattling off about past experiences is another story.
It’s not about him being important, but it’s just lil insight into me(yow!) that I would hope you would want… much like why we ask about exes and sh*t.
lol @ not on a house. not with a mouse. i completely agree with this, yet i have been and may be in the future, guilty of this.
usually, though, i’m just being passive agressive and know exactly what i’m doing. “being out with you is a completely new experience. my last man always came around to my side and opened the car door for me and walked me to my door at the end of the night. you, on the other hand……well, this is different *sideeye*
“
Which could easily be rephrased as “I find it real gentleman like for a man to open my car door and walk me to my apt at the end of a date.”
Same net result, minus you bringing up the ex.
Being fair with it I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear “my ex used to cook me breakfast butt naked in the morning so…..yea…..you got me?”
Amirite?
Sir, please say that again so that the womenfolk in the back rows can hear it…
You are correct good sir.
@BDot
I’m promoting you from soap box to mountain top.
Herald that sh*t! Herald that sh*t!
We hear ya
I on’t hear sh*t lol
you’re right. but sometimes you want it to sting that heaux (like if you know you’re never goin out with the person ever again anyway, not continuously in an ongoing relationship or anything). now if women are out there doing it thinking it doesn’t sting, then of course, they need to reference your fine examples.
Personally, I can’t even say that it stings. It’s more annoying that anything else. With very few exceptions (and I can’t even think of one right now) bringing up the ex leads to making a comparison.
Which is NEVER good for courtships, relationships etc.
Even if it’s not intentional, you have to understand how things can sound to someone else, and something like that is almost always going to be ill received.
There’s nothing wrong at all with making suggestions, just don’t use the memory of someone else to illustrate your point.
“Not on a house. Not with a mouse.
I do not care.”
^Luvved this! LOL! I feel your sentiment too.
Umm. . .how do you know you don’t look like or sound like him?
Brian Regan! He’s not outrageous but his jokes on normal every day things are pure comedy. Plus he has a hilarious “stupid face” that makes me laugh before he even opens his mouth.
Great list, Champ! I have a few friends who need to read this.
welcome and sh*t (i think)
Thanks, Champ. I’ve commented before (clearly nothing memorable…lol) but thanks anyways!
“girl remains intent on holding onto one-ply thread of reconcilatory hope, stating that she “can’t help that she likes him so much, and wishes that she didn’t” while crying on shoulder of loyal (and cuckolded) “platonic” male confidant.”
My best friend knows this scenario all too well. Po’ Lance.
you better give lance some before he makes your life a passive-aggressive living hell
Lance Bass is gay. It’s fine.
and lollllllllllll @ #5. everything is on point, but #5 has me tossin my rag in the air.
that sounds nasty
6. Our (men) achievements matter more to you than yours matter to us
7. You cant change a man, if he’s hardworking..guess what? he was like that before and he’s gonna stay like that after you, this pretty much applies to a wide range of other issues
8. Looks do matter….however looks dont make you immune to b.s
9.Human beings are judgemental…it sucks to some but its the reality, folks will
10. So you make your bed, so you sleep……hmmm this one is subject to your own interpretation
9.Human beings are judgemental…it sucks to some but its the reality, folks will
did you get kidnapped while you were writing this sentence?
3. nobody cares about you and your bullsh*t
I could care less about who you were dating. What you do when you are not with me and before you met me are not my biggest concerns starting out (unless it still impacts your current situation)
case in point…talking to a good dude and i was really vibing with him until he told me that his ex tried to have him killed…a few months ago (WTF) and that she is currently trying to press charges against him for rape, sexually assualt w/sodomy and buglary.
Now I try to keep an open mind about stuff, but damn. The last thing he should trying to persue is a relationship (he should be looking for a good attorney). I can deal with some baggage but I CANNOT do drama..
I could care less about who you were dating. What you do when you are not with me and before you met me are not my biggest concerns starting out (unless it still impacts your current situation)
You are indeed a rarity then…and as for ol’ boi…that’s some ol’ Michael Douglass-type ‘Fatal Attraction’ bs right there…that’s almost as bad as bringing up the fact that you just completed your course of Doxycycline on the first date…just too much, too soon…
@ Champ (off topic)
Has there ever been a post about leaving one relationship before moving on to the next? Or signs that you know they still fcuking da ex?
I heartily co-sign this question & move to have it as a future topic, all those in favor?????
@Jai “Has there ever been a post about leaving one relationship before moving on to the next?”
EXCELLENT question.
I believe a comedian best described this scenario as “Monkeybarring”.
Swinging to a new relationship opportunity before completely letting go of the other one.
Many of us have monkey barred other people. Hell, many of us have been monkeybarred and some are currently being monkeybarred right now.
Many of us have monkey barred other people. Hell, many of us have been monkeybarred and some are currently being monkeybarred right now.
Why does that sound kinky to me…LOL
Because you have kinky ears.
Excellent Champ! So true…simple and tough at the same time.
4. “attractive people attract people”
Funny thing is I adopted the stay ready approach so I look by best all the time. I remember my co-workers like “where are you going”? I am like to work. WTH? Because I work with kids I am supposed to look homeless? I am confused. My co-workers are in relationships and I wonder how there mates feel about them not wanting to look and feel there best? Not good!
5. “some people won’t like you…and that’s ok.”
This was tough for me because I am a big girl. Yea, I am having a real moment. Anyway, I would be angry that I felt a man did not see me as attractive and would take it personal. It is not. Regardless of being big, small, or in between everyone will not find you attractive. Getting to this point is easier said than done. Once you do, it’s like the world opens up.
did you get kidnapped while you were writing this sentence?
““““““““““““““““““““
lmao…yeah distracted and sh!t, and jumpred to the other one…Despicable me!
Not a BP, but I actually expire every time I watch Brian Regan’s “I Walked on the Moon” special. That ish should come with a warning for stomach cramps.
“Not having valet parking at a hospital is perhaps the biggest oversight in the history of the universe.
–Hey, can I park there? I think I’m gonna die.”
_____________________________________________________
Regarding Comedy:
Am I the only one that thinks Will E Robo is funny as all hell?
i think i have an e-crush on @Sandpaper and his rude (literally) boy self.
*trying to control myself, and my emotions, as not to swoon*
that. is. all.
Don’t do it Gem. We have to stay strong and reverse all this non sense the vsbs say about us. lol
lol it is a known fact i like guys who are blunt, rude, outta order, and disliked generally by most of my fellow VSSs. sadly, im very predictable *kanye shrug*
@Gem: LMAO @ outta ordah! rude and disobedient!! mi nah!!
and umm yeah, i cosign with SFG. a dude can be attractive and smart, but when he gets gassed on a regular basis..it leads to the opposite of sexy and attractive. numbers dont lie cuz they end up getting the ladies that disproves the theory of logic.
“numbers dont lie cuz they end up getting the ladies that disproves the theory of logic.”
Many women like alpha-males. I think it’s embedded in their dna. I hope that wasn’t offensive. If it was I apologize. It wasn’t my intention.
<– The ultimate lurker… I'd humbly submit, for number 6: Love, marriage, and children are like spades: When dating/ in relationships men must introduce them first or you lose. Without exception.
Number 2, oh boy. Wish more folks could get it, but that might be a lost cause. I know you've written on platonic friends before but somehow, I think a separate and adjacent topic is the "how to's" of remaining faithful. Both for pending "accidental cheaters" <–misnomer and for the folks with them.
I believe faithfulness is not about isolating yourself so you never become tempted… There's no choice to be faithful in that and ultimately cheaters will cheat. That said, the "how to's" of remaining faithful don't include the lustful temptation island some folks will frolic in without acknowledging they're in a danger zone. I'd love to hear VSB's thoughts on how to avoid and/or manage that broad, broad expanse between meeting someone else and actually getting down that a lot of folks won't own up to. There's crime stopping potential here, either in clarifying for folks or instructing.
Thanks for another awesome post!
@Tina Watkins – “I’d love to hear VSB’s thoughts on how to avoid and/or manage that broad,…”
* Self respect.
* Respect for you relationship.
* Respect for your significant other.
Welcome Tina and stop lurking!
Ditto:) I enjoyed your post Ms. Tina!
Thanks!
Meka, thanks! Consider me reformed.
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Mr Sobo, agreed. Maybe I’m telling on myself but I truly believe self-respecting people who respect their partners and relationships can put themselves in situations where they’ve got to have some Christ-like will to avoid wanting to push the envelope. Thoughts manifest desires manifest actions manifest crime.
Exactly. No one is perfect, and that is our guilt…imperfection.
However, the goal is to recognize the ‘warning’ signs on the road you are traveling, and thus make a decision to turn around and head back home….to your man/woman.
ps. so you know, utilize the reply feature to directly respond to posts of your choice so they dont end up at the bottom of the entire thread.
Mr SoBo those warning signs are what I think some folks need to see listed out. For me it’s physical attraction. If I meet guy “A” and think anything non-platonic that’s my warning sign. I “head back home” by making sure to limit flirting, limiting interaction to group situations, generally setting up distance.
But that’s not a universal warning sign.
P.S. I’m trying with reply option but it’s not working.
THIS!!! You have no idea how much I hear (read)you…
My warning sign is wit and smarts… Once I find out that I vibe way too well with dude, it’s my cue to head on back home… and just like you said thereon forth I limit the amount of interaction to the strict minimum… I’m not trying to find any greener grass… but it’s really easy to get caught up sometimes… That’s why those warning signs NEED to be identified early AND often.
(Victory dance)
We all know the warning signs. Some are universal, some are not, but we know them when we feel/see them. Spidey senses.
It’s just that some of us pretend not to see the signs, and continue on the journey. Others convince themselves that the signs are mere hallucinations, and continue to skip down the yellow brick road into the known unknown. Yes, the known unknown.
“known unknown”… that actually made sense me. D@mn you Samuel Jackson!
Spidey senses… Yep. Yes yes yes yes. On into the known unknown.
I’ll be repeating this for years to come to spread the gospel. Thanks!
I love em all…good advice! Now will we actually always follow it…hmmm
You are sooo right about those comics. I work at a comedy club and you really cannot find funnier in the game. Genius
Champ!! You are soooo right about those comics. I work at a comedy club and they are the truth!!
I literally thought about #1 all day. When I first read it last night, my manly reaction was a resounding, “Hell yeah!” But then my more pragmatic (or realistic) sensibilities began to take over and I questioned my cosign of that universal truth.
I think I’d have to be that exception to this rule much to my chagrin. I’d love to say that I’m in complete and utter control of my feelings, but that’s not entirely true. Yes, if you truly like someone, you do have to “choose” that person, but many times, we can’t explain why we like a person outside of pure physical attraction. And further, if you eliminate those who lack self-esteem, how do you explain all the mixmatched couples in the world?! So are we truly in control? Maybe you chose not to be with someone, but I think sometimes people just get caught up in their feelings for someone without explanation, hence the phrase.
As a freshman in college, I caught some serious feelings for a Becky (read: white girl). Unbeknown to me, at this time I was in a most closed-minded and unlearned state of mind, and I had NO intention whatsoever for ever “falling” for Ms. Becky. However, I’m now convinced that if a woman is attractive enough and has enough desirable qualities, and you spend enough quality time with that person, like it or not you will eventually feel something for that woman regardless of racial barriers, preconceived notions, and prejudices. Looooooong story made very short, we spent a lot of time together as we were both very active in student gov’t and I did eventually fall for her. Now we didn’t work out, because I consciously chose not to make it work with Ms. Becky. BUT hard as I tried, it took me a very long time to forget all the reasons that made me fall for her in the first place e.g. her beauty, intellect, honestly, listening ear etc. She was Frieda Pinto gorgeous and the very best of a friend and supporter, and those types, in my relatively short experience, are pretty rare. So yes, I had control of whether or not to be with her, but I didn’t have complete control over my feelings for her. But maybe I’m just more hopeless romantic than pragmatic:-/
On the flip side, my most recent ex was an extremely beautiful looong natural-haired, multiple degreed, shapely, cooking, good credit possessing, caramel skinned black chick who I desperately wanted to make it work with. And those are just the PG-13 qualities…….. On paper, she was the unequivocal and absolute raw ish and she was madly in love with me. But much as I wanted to retain feelings for her, something about her (or multiple somethings) drove me away.
I read Don Miller’s Blue Like Jazz recently, and he articulated what I’m trying to get across in a most elegant and simplistic way. This quote really stuck with me: “Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon.”
Oops. Sorry VSB people. That ish ended up being waaay longer than I’d anticipated. I won’t use anecdotal stories about beautiful women anymore. Even the crazy ones.
I wasn’t able to get on here too much today, so I was just catching up, and now so glad I did……LOVE “Blue Like Jazz” and that too is my favorite quote from that book … X_____________X= me & you on that!
love. Love. LOVE this post.
that is all.
1. I think that one is a little subjective. Some people catch feelings easier than a cold with the air on and the feet out. Namely, me. “Hi, I’m Rem and I’m a catch-feelings-a-holic.” And to this day, I still find myself checking for those ladies that have long forgotten about me.. not because I want to.. but because I leave a part of me with every chick I date.. and I want that sh*t back..
2. Makes sense.. Though I’ve never “ended up f*king” anybody.. Now there’s a choice for you.
3. I gotta be a damn ninja at dating by now cuz I’ve made this mistake so hard. Used to wear my issues on my sleeve.. Now I keep them tucked safely in my pocket, just in case I need a way out.
4. I’m a bit narcissistic so this doesn’t apply to me. I’m sexy from morning breath to midnight snack.. OK, fine.. I’m just lazy..
5. I still struggle hard with this one to this day. I seriously don’t understand why people don’t worship the ground I walk on.. I’m awesome.. I figure it’s either something wrong with me or something wrong with them.. Pretty sure it’s them.
Good post
*claps*whistles*applause*
Well stated! I would add something about loving yourself but that kinda falls under #3.
Dang man, to the point. Priceless: “5. some people won’t like you…and that’s ok.”
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