“Would and could he fight for me?”
It’s a question that somehow manages to be completely relevant and completely irrelevant at the same damn time.
It’s relevant because it’s never not at least a consideration when a woman is deciding whether she wants to commit to a man. Perhaps “Would and could he protect me?” isn’t the first question she asks herself, but she’ll definitely ask herself that question.
It’s irrelevant because, well, no one actually gets into fights. Actually, lemme rephrase that. Some adults still do get into fights. But it’s a very small percentage of us. And, the 7% of adults who still somehow get into fights at least once every other month probably make up 97% of the adult fight total between themselves. If you asked one of the 93% when the last time they get into a serious fist fight was, I bet most answers would fall between 5th grade and “That time in 9th grade when I thought that I was big enough to talk back to my dad. I was wrong.”
Earlier this week, Keyshia Cole became one of the few adult women to have that question answered for her, as her husband—former Cavs guard Daniel “Boobie” Gibson—broke the jaw of a man who reportedly “disrespected” her in some way.
Considering the fact that Gibson is a free agent—and considering the fact that Cole hasn’t had a hit single since the last season of Scrubs—getting into a fight and potentially jeopardizing a new contract probably wasn’t the smartest move. How else do they expect to cover their monthly tattoo bills?
Still, if Gibson legitimately felt that Cole was threatened, no one would seriously begrudge his jaw breaking. It’s his husbandly duty and shit. But, is there ever a situation where your girl/woman/wife/concubine is disrespected in some way and you’re actually not supposed to fight for her? Of course!
In fact, here are five of them!
1. If she kinda, sorta, had it coming.
Lemme put it this way: If I’m at a club, and I see some dude push my girl and call her a “bitch,” we are going to have a serious physical problem.
But, if my girl happens to be Evelyn Lozada-ish, and she’s talking shit, throwing drinks, and spitting in people’s faces for no reason, and I happen to see one of the guys who she spit on push her and call her a “bitch,” we are going to have a…conversation. And then we are going to leave. And then I am going to stop at a gas station. And then I am going to ask her to get me a pack of Now & Laters. And then I am going to drive off and leave her there.
2. If you’re definitely going to lose…badly.
Look, I can handle one Kimbo Slice. And by “handle one Kimbo Slice” I mean “sucker punch and run from a Kimbo Slice.” (And yes, I would expect my girl to keep up with me. What’s the point of being in Black Girls Run if you don’t take it literally?)
But, if my girl comes over to me upset that some dudes disrespected her, and she points to a table of three Kimbo Slices and three “Comb That Nigga’s Chest Hair” dudes, I figure a slight scowl in their direction is an appropriate response.
3. If you’re definitely going to win.
If you’re 6’5 and 350 pounds and the Kevin Hart doppelganger at the bar calls your girl a bad name, he’s actually putting you in a no-win situation. You can’t put your hands on him, cause you’ll be a lame for fighting a dude half your size. But, you can’t not do something either.
My advice? Just pull out your dick, with your arms extended outward in the “Ta-Da!” pose. Hopefully this’ll shame him into silence. (This also has obvious backfire potential, but you have to do something, right?)
4. If you’ve been wanting to break up with her for some time, but haven’t had the opportunity or guts to do it.
Usually, men in this predicament try to sabotage the relationship by cheating and hoping he’ll get caught. But, why do that and expose her to all types of STDs? Just let her get disrespected in front of you, and let her get mad enough at you that she ends it. Now, you’ve rid yourself of a problem and you saved her from syphilis. It’s a win win.
5. If you’re busy.
It’s not your fault she picked the 4th quarter of game seven of the NBA finals to get disrespected. She needs to learn that if she wants a good defense, she needs better timing.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)