Lists, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

6 Things That Every Grown A** Black Man Needs In His Life

Wu-Tang is for the children.

We’ve spent a significant amount of time here at VSB trying to help the womenfolks understand what men are truly looking for in women. And despite all of this help, I still happen to see scowling, angry-visaged, treebiting looking women running rampant on the mean streets of DC.

Sensitive thugs aren’t the only people that need hugs. Boobs and nubs both need hugs.

With that in mind, and with the recession going stronger than Peyton Manning in the 2nd Half of a football game (so sad Sanchez), I figured what the hell, why not shift the focus to the hombres? Fact is, a lot of men out there do suck. Women say it all the time and by law I’m required to deny, deny, deny, but I’m not blind nor stupid. And according to the great homeless philosopher, Homeless Philosopher, “ni**as are n*gg*s, worldwide. You got a dollar?”

There a few things that all grown a** Black men need in order to not only succeed with the ladies, but for life. Allons-y.

1) A Barber

Unless you rock a baldy, every grown a** man needs to have a barber to keep him looking professional and presentable. Hell, the only person higher up on the ladder than a Black man’s barber should be his mother. In fact, a ninja-barber relationship is so important (and fragile) that I just STOPPED going to my barber years ago because I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was gonna shave my own head from here on out. He might think I’m dead. Either way, every Black man needs a first-name-basis-knows-facts-about-my-family barber.

2) Credit Card/Actual Credit Report

While I appreciate the commercials for Eastern’s Motors in the DC Metro area for their use of B-list celebrities and their non-synced lip-synching,  your job should NOT be your credit. You should have an actual credit score. And at least one credit card that doesn’t include the words RUSHCARD on it. While I’m not going to tel anybody what their credit score should be (Little Baby Jesus knows that all of us have our times of financial strife), you shouldn’t be getting denied service for a cell phone line. Women frown upon men who cannot own and operate cellphones. Trackphones and MetroPCS do not count.

Speaking of credit…

3) A job

Yes. You need a job mofo. There comes a point in life where you just can’t justify that hobby that takes up all your time with no real return on life. I’m looking at you Teeny. And your ilk. I have a lot of hobbies too. Some of them pay. What, you think Panama Muhf**kin’ writes for free? You need income. What is any woman worth her salt going to be doing dating a man without a job after she’s 22 years old. Women are going to college and graduating. Us? Kinda.

There’s a slight bit of leeway if you just so happened to lose your job in this recession. Blame Obama (it’s been a year now).

4) A dream/Aspirations

Marty Mart had a loft dream and got murked out in Memphis for it. So don’t dream so big. Besides, little kids of different colors been playing together since the 80s. Pick something else. But at least have the nerve to be somewhat ambitious. Women hate men without goals. Hell, I hate men without goals. Youstink. Get your sh*t together, soldier. At least dream of owning something. Even if that something is a box of new pencils.

5) At least one pair of sunglasses

Because you WILL see women who look fly and they will attempt to lock eyes with you as an opening to getting you in trouble. Plus, its easier to look at a** while you’re with your girl if you have on shades. Not that I’d know about that, but I do wear my sunglasses at night (no club) nowadays.

6) Good shoes

A good woman will judge you based on your shoes. If you’re walking around in some Buster Browns that look more beat down than Rihanna in a Lambo, well gangsta, you really need to step your game up. Work harder and spend some money on some decent casual kicks. And no, Nike Boots do not count as quality shoes, you moron.

Patrons of VSB, help a brotha(s) out. What does every grown a** Black man need in order to succeed in life and with women. Let’s do our civic and social duty today.

Kick the truth.

-VSB P aka  THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • LeathIllmatic

    Great list!!! Every grown a** black man needs at LEAST 2 or 3 tailored suits. Job interview, Church, Funeral, hell just to get fly. Having a decent suit game is imperative and def missed the cut on this list *drops mic*

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      @LeathIllmatic, I am pretty sure there is nothing more beautiful than a Black man in a (tailored!) suit. Whew lawd *fans self*

      • LeathIllmatic

        @Liz, Some men just don’t realize the importance of owning some nice suites. I made it objective to purchase 2 suits last year and I came through. My suit game used to suck!!! I am a graduating senior (WSSU) and I’m definitely going to be putting them to good use. Money well spent.

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          @LeathIllmatic, awww. yes, definitely! I didn’t realize it, but suits can cost a lot of money! But you’re right, def money well spent.

      • charli skipper

        @Liz,

        i don’t understand the men that throw on some ol’ ill-fitting, ragged, “your legs too short to dance with God but the legs on these suit pants are more than long enough, thank you” ass suit and think they doin something.

      • I Don’t Care

        @Liz, A lady friend of mine told me of the “hotness factor” of a dude in a tailored suit. So I offered to perform reverse strip for her bachelorette party. I’m poppin’ out butt naked and then will proceed to dress until I get to be the hot dude in the tailored suit. Hey, if it works out I could add that to my dreams/aspirations list.

        • http://youngbelizeanlady.blogspot.com/ YoungBelizeanLady

          @I Don’t Care,

          HAHAHAHa..I like this idea

      • Ash

        @Liz,

        “I am pretty sure there is nothing more beautiful than a Black man in a (tailored!) suit. Whew lawd *fans self*”

        Co-sign!!

    • Leila

      @LeathIllmatic, “Every grown a** black man needs at LEAST 2 or 3 tailored suits”

      Co-sign!!! A nice suit will upgrade any man.

    • Tenchi

      @LeathIllmatic,

      *swoon, faint, resuscitation, SWOOOON…panty drop*

      Ummm, yeah. A man should have a suit…

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @LeathIllmatic,

      Some men also need Court suits. *Looks at most of hip hop community.* Folks’ church suits can’t be worn to the court. The judge will have no mercy on you if u looking like a Blueberry Pimp. Or Apimpnamedslickback.

    • http://www.facebook.com/datfya BigBuck

      @LeathIllmatic, YES! suits and at least one good all purpose blazer!!

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @LeathIllmatic,

      I agree. Jogging suits ROCK!

      • miss t-lee

        @Monk,
        LMAO
        Velour right?

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @miss t-lee,

          You know it…lol! It’s cool to have a variety though. Comfort is a helluva drug.

        • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

          @miss t-lee, LOL, I’ve managed to avoid velour for the longest…

          But I’m a sucker for polyester joints :-/

    • GtuddaC

      “you niggas wear suits ’cause ya’ll cant dress no more…”

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        @GtuddaC, sounds like unemployed logic to me.

    • atltx

      @LeathIllmatic,

      Yall killin us…How many women have “tailored” anything? I’m not talking about ming lee taking in your jeans due to ass/waist ratio (that shit is so damn sexy)…I’m talking bout authentic (not 10% 120 wool/90% polyester) super 120 wool cut for you and sewed into a garment. Was quoted $1100 on an entry level wool suit years ago…and that was after many pairs of trousers that led to a discount. The point…increase that by 50% for today’s price. For a basic suit that is VERY hard to distinguish from an off the rack nordstom brand suit – $500 during one of their sales.

      • CPT Callamity

        @atltx,

        I have tailored suits but that was because I took advantage of overseas tailors where the price was right. Worsted wool but nothing real fancy. I don’t wear the jackets much but the fit on the pants is so dead on, i rock those with different blazers.

        Add that to a list: A black man needs at least two blazers for more casual events.

        • atltx

          @CPT Callamity,

          The last good tailored anything i bought in the us was over 5 years ago. Was in Qatar since…tried a tailor over there…fail…literally fell apart at the seams. Found a super nice fabric store that was dirt cheap…brought numerous yards of material back and tried a black tailor on peachtree…not a good look…waste of money…could have went to the jos a banks/ghetto 2 slacks for $75 store and looked better. Outside of Chinh Tailor in 3rd ward houston, texas…I have yet to find a decent priced quality tailor. Clothes i bought from this cat back then still look good.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @LeathIllmatic, yeah. i left that off just to see how quickly somebody would add that to list.

      (read: i forgot to add that until i woke up in a cold sweat at 3am like HOLY BATCAKES BATMAN, i forgot the most important element of being a grown mofo)

    • Deviant

      @LeathIllmatic,
      its not a need. some cats dont have jobs where a suit is needed and those otehr things u can wear a button down and slack to. Its a nice thing to have but a suit aint mandatory. btw I own a sportjacket that I almost never wear.

      • LeathIllmatic

        I completely forgot about the almighty all purpose blazer. So far Ive learned that looking nice in tailored suit makes women faint….and one dropped the e-panties *heads to mens warehouse* lol
        Great topic. Ive learked this website for nearly a year and never engaged on the comments. Yall are funny! I also learned not to subscribe to the email notifications when your email is sent to your BlackBerry as well. SMH

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      @LeathIllmatic, yea a suit was going to be my contribution as well. *hi five*

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia G

      @LeathIllmatic, so true–a nice suit on a man makes a world of difference.

  • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Legendary Dash

    A go to dish in the kitchen. You don’t have to be Iron Chef, but the ability to make something that is not BBQ or microwave popcorn should be expected.

    The ability to remind a women of her jeep. She should want to ride you.

    Decent diction. You don’t have to sound like me or Sidney Poitier, but you should sound like you have a modicum of intelligence.

    A suit. I know men without suits, and it confuses me. You can’t tall T it up forever.

    Knowledge of atleast two obscure R&B singers.

    Car insurance. If a woman drives your car, she should not be fearful that if pulled over she can’t reach into your glove compartment for proof of insurance.

    • charli skipper

      @Legendary Dash,

      cosign. good diction is a must (that’s what she said). i can’t stand it when a man can’t talk to me with ease. a good mouthpiece can take a man a long way with me. (oh, wait. she said that too.)

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @charli skipper,
        Knowledge of atleast two obscure R&B singers

        Lol, seriously? Walk me through this one? How will this help them with either life or women?

      • ofloveandotherdemons

        @charli skipper,
        Sorry I meant the above for legendary dash. Technology is hard

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @Legendary Dash,
      Knowledge of atleast two obscure R&B singers

      Lol, seriously? Walk me through this one? How will this help them with either life or women?

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Legendary Dash

        @ofloveandotherdemons,
        It would allow you to BS your way through conversations if you run into a woman who is heavily into soul music. I have encyclopedic knowledge of William Bell just because.

        • ofloveandotherdemons

          @Legendary Dash,
          Alright Sir, I guess that makes sense. But what if your current play doesn’t listen/like R&B? Is there a plan B?

          • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Legendary Dash

            @ofloveandotherdemons,
            I have extensive knowledge of The Kinks, X, Husker Du, and Bad Brains for The Rockphiles, The Rawkus and Def Jux catalogs for the hip hop heads, and being from Alabama I know my party blues. Knowing my party blues have never helped me though, even with the older chikas. They just want to play Tupac’s Thug Passion when we kick it.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Legendary Dash, if a chick is heavy into soul music, sad to say it probably won’t go much further than India.Arie and Jill Scott. hell, knowing about The Sylvers (non-obscure like a mofo) probably won’t get you any more points than knowing about Metro Station – though you can use that to tell your chick to just, shake shake, shakeshakeshshake it.

        • Deviant

          @Legendary Dash,

          I make no effort to learn anything about music otehr than what I like. You know how that works in my favor? It gives her the chance to show me things I dont already know anything about. Stop fronting for these women.

          • Sula

            @Deviant,

            Stop fronting for these women.

            Exactly. What type of women wants that anyways? It is so… not genuine. Not a good look.

    • wanjiru

      @Legendary Dash,
      A go to dish in the kitchen cosign, cosign, cosign. Plus it’s not even that hard as it doesn’t have to be some flamebe’d, saute’d Martha Stewartesque dish. I mean, barring that Ramen&Spam&FrozenPeas one-pot dish that you picked up in college, even an omlette made right works.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @wanjiru,

        Yep. Them microwave Steamfresh vegetables and the Foreman Grill can work wonders with proper seasoning.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Legendary Dash, Car insurance. If a woman drives your car, she should not be fearful that if pulled over she can’t reach into your glove compartment for proof of insurance.

      is this even an option anymore?

      when i was in high school in Alabama, you didn’t need insurance OR a car inspection. folks were basically driving around in death mobiles putting other folks lives at risk with no fear of reprisal. i thought they shored that little no insurance problem up literally everywhere.

      • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Legendary Dash

        @Panama Jackson,

        I was a home in Alabama and got pulled over in a chika’s uninsured whip on Labor Day whilst making a run to the store to keep her BBQ liquored up.

        • http://mysixcents.wordpress.com klysha

          @Legendary Dash @ Panama

          What parts of Alabama y’all from/in?

          I do recall there being many insuranceless folks rolling through the streets of AL back in the day though

          • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/ Legendary Dash

            @klysha,
            I am from Birmingham. The law says people should be insured, but it is a law that is routinely broken by a lot of drivers.

        • ComicBookGuy

          @Legendary Dash,

          I used to live in Mobile and I know the cops were getting tough on that. In fact, before I left two years ago, they had check points to where they would check your license and insurance just to see if you had it. It would be a line of cars down a major street just to do that.

  • http://www-shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady

    A checking account with checks that if need be will be accepted lol

    • wanjiru

      @shay-d-lady,
      LOL! But I agree. Giving me cash and asking me to make out a check for you is not hot.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @wanjiru,

        Not opposing checks, but I think every man should have some cash on his person always. My father taught me to never leave the house without some money in your pocket. You don’t have to carry around the carnote money of anything like that, but you never know.

        • wanjiru

          @Monk,
          That’s true. Those ATMs can embarass you something serious. And, as you say, you never know. You just might end up at the gas station off route 40 that doesn’t accept cards and the ATM never, ever works and where will you be? Trying to collect all the quarters and dimes in your car as you try and calculate whether $3.79 will get you to the next ‘real’ gas station.

        • charli skipper

          @Monk,

          yeah, one of my professors taught us to always carry enough cash in case you have to bribe a policeman. (we from the n.o….who dat!)

        • AO the Peoples’ Choice

          @Monk,
          co-sign, I like to roll with emergency cash all the time!! AND on the shoe game I held a crowd last week explaining to a couple (2520s), surrounded by onlookers( more 2520s), where her husband could step his shoe game up!!
          AO for president!!

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia G

      @shay-d-lady, lol–a check that won’t bounce!!!

  • http://syncserious.wordpress.com SyncSerious

    Wow…thats a pretty complete list! **two thumbs up**

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @SyncSerious, hallelujah.

  • Poetiksoul27

    I’m going to need him to have a good relationship with his mother (if not both parents).
    Based on my observation, I believe it will impact the manner in which we communicate with each other.
    Respect and love for women in general is a big plus for me :)

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @Poetiksoul27,
      Respect and love for women in general

      Definitely. How can you expect a man to treat you right, if he is carrying a titanic sized chip on his shoulders against everyone with a vagina? No bueno.
      Treating everyone with respect is a ‘no compromise’ issue with me. You can disagree with them, dislike them for whatever reason, hate them, whatever, but I still need you to treat them like they are someone’s loved one.

    • Stustustudious

      @Poetiksoul27,
      co sign! One of the first questions I ask is, How is you mom? If the follow up is that bitch crazy! I’m gone.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Poetiksoul27, what if he don’ know his momma. or was raised by cavemen.

      or what if he dances with wolves?

      • Poetiksoul27

        @Panama Jackson,

        LOL Cavemen? OK Those circumstances are definitely noteworthy as I imagine a great number of men may not have had that maternal bond in their lives. However, I don’t find it excusable, especially for a “grown ass man” in our society–with all the resources available and what not. We all have hardships, but there are usually opportunities presented to overcome them. He can seek out a mentor, learn from his buddies who’ve had secure relationships, etc. Hell, maybe (just maybe) I’d be willing to teach the right one :=) *no phone calls please!

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia G

      @Poetiksoul27, cosign about the love & respect thing. If he’s calling women Bs and Hs, then that should raise a red flag.

  • Tenchi

    A role model with all of his teeth…
    (Weezy should NOT be your “go to” guy for quotes!)

    A favorite book…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition doesn’t count…Think hardcover, preferably nonfiction…

    A faint idea of how to chew with his mouth CLOSED!!! ugh…
    (sorry, personal moment)

    A hobby that doesn’t involve a ball, music or pron…

    *I shall return…*

    • ofloveandotherdemons

      @Tenchi,
      A role model with all of his teeth…

      Lol, that made me laugh.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Tenchi, A favorite book…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition doesn’t count…Think hardcover, preferably nonfiction…

      hmm…while it might force me to side-eye somebody, why is this necessary? i know plenty of you educated mofos that dont read sh*t that doesn’t involve your job or making money.

      A hobby that doesn’t involve a ball, music or pron…

      please do expound on this, aside from pr0n, i don’t see how those other two are problematic hobbies.

      • Sula

        @Sir Panama Jackson,

        We already had a convo about the book thingie. Lol!

        I like men that like to read. To me, it means they are able get out of themselves and read about the world at large… And since literature is like my #1 pastime, it becomes a litmus test on grownupedness (new word, get with it. :))… So yeah, that’s my take on it.

    • Sula

      @Tenchi,

      Love your list! It’s an on-point list for “grown men Sula might be interested in”.

      And this –> A favorite book…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition doesn’t count…Think hardcover, preferably nonfiction…? Priceless!

    • Deviant

      @Tenchi,

      why does a man have to have a favorite book? Not discounting the importance of reading but I dont see the necessity. I read evry so often but I can’t say I have a favorite book to bore people with.

      • Sula

        @Deviant,

        Like I said upthread, we all have our measuring sticks as to what is important to us. For me, a man that can reference a book they liked enough to remember is an indication of “maturity”…. But I can understand it not being a widespread necessity, but for some of us it kinda is…

        • Robinzworld

          A man (and woman) should have a passport by the time they’re 30.

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      @Tenchi, A favorite book…Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition doesn’t count…Think hardcover, preferably nonfiction…

      this is a good one.

    • IJstDntUnderstand

      @Tenchi, “A faint idea of how to chew with his mouth CLOSED!!! ugh…
      (sorry, personal moment)”
      let’s add to that “and knows how to properly use/hold a fork, knife, and spoon in case we decide to visit one of the millions of restaurants in this country!”….(sorry personal moment of my own)

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia G

      @Tenchi, being an author, he better have a favorite book. Even if it’s just the Bible. Brother man needs to let me know he reads.

  • Ashleyg

    “And no, Nike Boots do not count as quality shoes, you moron.”

    funny, funny…

  • http://anonymouspenelope.blogspot.com Penelope

    “Nike Boots do not count as quality shoes…”

    …and neither do Stacy Adams shoes.
    (does this call for a ‘shots fired’?)

    WHO DAT!!!!!! (sorry)

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @Penelope,

      Nor do those “Prada” shoes that all promoters wear so they don’t have to buy real dress shoes. Yeah I said it

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Penelope, i think it depends on where you from. if you from the D or the Chi, Stacy Adams are definitely considered quality.

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Thuggie Luvvie

        @Panama Jackson,

        Umm… who said the Chi approves of Stacy Adams as quality? Don’t go spreading rumors bout my city!

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @Thuggie Luvvie,

          Co-sign. My side-eye was all sideways and backwards at that statement. I mean, I know we got some country folks here, but we also got a ton of folks like me that will clown the mess out of a Steve Harvey-ist.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Thuggie Luvvie, just saying, when i think Chi, i think Stacy Adams. that and polyester Fucci shirts and Fersace clothing.

          and gators.

    • MeteorMan

      @Penelope,
      “I guess [that] just New Orleans…”
      What’s up with that ‘WHO DAT’ flavored daiquiri? lol

    • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia G

      @Penelope, Who Dat Nation here–now back to the topic. LOL

  • Mali

    A dentist

    • Complex Simplicity

      @Mali, Co-d*mn-sign….

    • IJstDntUnderstand

      @Mali, EXTRA Co-Sign!!!!! Halitosis is running rampant in the U.S.!

  • P.

    “And no, Nike Boots do not count as quality shoes, you moron.”

    As a proud native of the DMV, I’m gonna leave this one alone… Also, I wear sunglasses all the time to the point where when I’m not, people will usually come up and be like “Wow, I’ve never seen your eyes before.” I hate light, my eyes are sensitive to it.

    As far as what else needs to be on here, I’d add to the dreams one by clarifying that a dream has to be something that you’re working, whether actively or passively, towards achieving. There’s a difference between a dream and just wanting to do/be something. I WANT to be the defensive coordinator for a major college football program; that’s not my dream (not anymore at least). To quote Mad Skillz, “a dream ain’t a dream if it ain’t given a chance.”

    I’d also add a favorite book to this list. Like, an actual book that you can tell someone lots of stuff about. Don’t tell me The Bible is your favorite book just because you can recite a verse or two knowing daggone well that the last time you opened that joint coincided with the last time you went to church 15 years ago.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @P., As a proud native of the DMV, I’m gonna leave this one alone…

      now you know ninjas in DC take this Nike boots too far. i’ve seen dudes in my building at work with a suit on and Nike boots. and i dont work for DC government where that kind of thing flies.

      shots.fired.at.fenty.

      • P.

        @Panama Jackson,

        “shots.fired.at.fenty.”

        Hahahaha

    • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

      @P., I just wanted to say that I love that you quoted (Mad) Skillz.

      • P.

        @Reecie,

        I’ve been listening to dude since From Where dropped in like 95, I still can’t get down with this plain ol Skillz business.

        • http://musicmakesmehigh.wordpress.com Reecie

          @P., I dig it. he’s from the hometown so of course I been listening since forever.

          • P.

            @Reecie,

            Yeah, my cousins from Richmond put me on way way way back in the day. I try to tell other people, but it always ends up with me having to explain why it’s East/West End instead of side lol.