Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

5 Signs That You Might Be Dating a Zombie Who Might Zombie Apocalapyse Your A**

You’d pretty much have to live under a rock to not realize that the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. From crazy ninjas eating homeless guys faces to random Black college students eating hearts, etc…one thing is for sure.

Black folks are TOTALLY taking over the crime market previously labeled as “Whites Only”.

Seriously, what is really going on these days. Obviously there are some mental health issues at play but do you realize HOW f*cked up you have to be in order to partake in cannibalism. In 2012? You can buy a 20-piece of chicken nuggets for like $2.99. The point is that you don’t need to eat other people. The rent may be too damn high but unhealthy foodstuffs are cheap as hell. Eating somebody’s heart or face just doesn’t seem necessary. At all. Unless you’re f*cked the f*ck up.

Moving on. Well, with this Zombie Apocalypse upon us, it is important to start looking for the signs. One day your best friend is cool as a fan, gat in hand, and then the next day this mofo is nibbling on your finger reaching for the Tabasco or Texas Pete. Now imagine if you’re out here dating in these streets!!!!! You JUST might end up dating a motherloving zombie. Now a stone cold non-killer like myself believes that Ace of Base had it right when they started sawing the signs. That’s because just like neon and STOP…signs exist.

So let’s take a look at 5 signs that the person you’re dating just might be a zombie (and thus you should probably cuz that relationship short).

1. They spend too much time examining and appreciating your physical features

One person sees appreciation, but think about it like a zombie? If I’m a zombie, I’m looking at you for the whitemeats, thighmeats, goodmeats, etc. What if I’m a fingerloving zombie? And I really admire your fingers. I’m just saying, anybody spending too much time appreciating certain features might be on that zombie sh*t.

2. They’re Boston Celtics fans

Two words: Marquise. Daniels.

3. They keep showing up announced

Aside from just being straight up stalkeresque, I feel like anybody who constantly shows up unannounced just might kill you. But since they are already f*cked up, there’s a good chance they just might try to eat your face. There could be a pun in there but I’m too lazy to find it and its 11:56pm right now and I’m not even halfway through this sh*t because I keep watching replays of the Wade missing that damn 3. Sure he had a good look and sure you can’t ask for a better shot than that, but WHY THE HELL CAN’T THE HEAT HIT FREE THROWS??

What was I talking about again? Ah yes…zombies. And dating.

4. When they write you love letters or texts – it is 2012 afterall – they tell you that they can’t picture life without you

While that absolutely sounds like the sweetest thing Lauryn Hill has ever known (SUMMER JAM…go Nas) just think about that for a second. If somebody determines that they no longer want to be with you…and you have already determined that you cannot live without that person…wouldn’t that effectively kill you? Yes. And if you are dead and come back into the game on some zombieing sh*t, wouldn’t you THEN go eat the heart and calf of the person who kilt you dead?

See also: P.M. Dawn – I’d Die Without You and Robin Thicke – Lost Without You

5. They always want to take you to Brazilian steak houses or places that serve inordinate amounts of meat

And yes, if your boo ONLY eats MeatLovers pizzas and isn’t being ironic, then there’s a good chance that you’re dating somebody who might go full zombie on you at some point. They’ve already got an affinity for meat. Or one of those places that services bacon-wrapped, pork chopped wrapped, steak with sausage balls in the middle. Yeah. that motherlover is already on that flesh sh*t. And you know what you have? Flesh. And do you know what motherlovers on that flesh sh*t do? Go zombie. Word to big bird.

Well that’s 5 signs to look out for. What else do you have? This is VERY IMPORTANT right now. With zombies out here going all hipster on us, we need all of the help we can muster. And um, what the f*ck up is up with the zombie apocalypse anyway? What do you think is really going on in these streets??

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T ZOMBIE ME BRO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Royale W. Cheese

    Zombies? What, no commentary on the new Erykah Badu/ Flaming Lips video?

    • mena

      Enters TUK in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

      • That Ugly Kid

        I see you want me to “enter” huh? Counting down the time until I “enter” huh? Didn’t know you thought of me that way. I’ll “enter”, but just this once, okay? Only because you want it sooo badly.

        • mena

          Awww…you’re so cute. *pats TUK on the head*

          • That Ugly Kid

            *points to anti-pat helmet*

            Sorry, but you aren’t allowed to pat me unless:

            1. You’re congratulating for my performance after I’ve worn dat azz out.

            2. You give me a burrito bowl from Chipotle.

            3. You’re Wild Cougar

            4. You’re patting my “other” head as a way of signaling that you want your world rocked.

            • mena

              :-) What if i give you a strong older sister hug? Is that ok?

    • mena

      Last thing, why is she covered in j*zz at the end?

      • Royale W. Cheese

        The first tyyymmmeeee.
        Ever you j*zzed my faaayyyce.

        • mena

          So it really is supposed to reflect semen? I can’t watch this again tonight. Too much concentration for the midnight hour. Will watch again tomorrow.

          • Beautifullyhuman

            I think it is. That’s gross. I cringed watching that scene. It reminded me of a bukkake or whatever it’s called.

            • Royale W. Cheese

              Exactly what I thought…”wtf? blood, and now bukkake?”

              • Beautifullyhuman

                Girl, I’m glad you know what this is…lol. I was a little hesitant writing that. I was thinking now everyone’s going to assume I’m a freak. lol

                • Pheelster

                  I liked it… But then again im weird and a guy and there WAS Badu’s vag, chesticles and her taking pseudo semen all over her body… with a smile… Geeesh. I don’t even think I heard the muzik…. *puts down head in shame

                  • mena

                    It was her sister’s body.

                    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                      has to be somebody else. that was not her hindparts!!!!

                  • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                    ‘scuse me?

                  • http://www.lifetheroughdraft.com/blog Rone

                    “I liked it… But then again im weird and a guy and there WAS Badu’s vag, chesticles and her taking pseudo semen all over her body… with a smile… Geeesh. I don’t even think I heard the muzik…. *puts down head in shame”

                    Hahaha. My man

                  • A Woman’s Eyes

                    See, I thought it was mother’s milk, not semen.

                    I thought she was bathing in motherhood/womanhood.

                    What’s the 2 liquids that comes out of a woman’s body (not counting female ejaculate)?

                    There ya go!

                • demondog06

                  ok at the expense of sounding slow…

                  just what is a bukkake? i’d google it but i’m at work and given the nature of this convo, somethin’ tells me that whatever it is ain’t safe for the office.

                  • mena

                    *clears throat* *sigh* *God please don’t strike me*

                    It’s when a group of guys put their love juice all over a woman. It’s usually like 20 dudes or more so by the end she is covered in the crap. It’s disgusting. Watch the end of the Badu video and you will catch the drift.

                    • demondog06

                      *chanting to whatever gods may be*
                      “please no daughters….please no daughters…..please no daughters….and if i do have daughters, please don’t let them get bukkakied….

                  • miss t-lee

                    it’s definitely not safe for the office…lol Google that ish on your phone.

                    • rissercize

                      Like to hear it, here it goes. That is exactly where I googled what bukakkie was at first. The office…. Thank God I never got fired!

              • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                Cool! Hey, this is all a sign that negroes are brand NEW! In our parent’s generation, there were no Black serial killers or superfreaks like this. Now, thanks to Civil Rights, we can be as freaky or demented as we wish. :)

                • Pheelster

                  Precisely!

                • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                  We shall overcome.

                  • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

                    You mean “We have overcome” we free now

                    • writeous

                      overCUM?

      • Thai

        i was feeling the glitter part, but after that i wanted to cry and throw up. The song is nice though. Should we blame Jay Electronica or thank him?

        • whostolethesoul1

          i loved the glitter part and speaking artistically maybe it was a part of the magical, estaticly erotic part, like when the tip of his ____ ( <—- insert your fav here) first touches your ____ (insert whatever here too!)

          #ijs #ifeelfunny

          • Pheelster

            I would say the vid and its antics represent birth, if she wasn’t all eating up the babies at the end. *gasps… I think she’s tryna tell us that she’s a cannibal… nooo…. Not Erykah.

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      Well If for some reason they are preoccupied with the Erykah Badu/ Flaming Lips video, you MIGHT begin to wonder…

      • Royale W. Cheese

        Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh…..rrrraaaarrw.

        Whoops. Had beans for dinner today.

    • Beautifullyhuman

      Ugh. I felt like hurling watching that sh*t. That semen scene was hella nasty. Smh.

      Forreal though…I didn’t know Youtube allowed videos that obscene. Cray. Anyway, I think that terrible rendition could be the soundtrack to this post. I could definitely see some zombie sh*t occurring with this in the background.

      • Royale W. Cheese

        “I could definitely see some zombie sh*t occurring with this in the background.”

        OMG. I died…and came back from the grave.

        Agreed. I appreciate indie/ experimental music, but that track dragged on and on. The chords were very zombie movie-ish.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          +1

        • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

          “Agreed. I appreciate indie/ experimental music, but that track dragged on and on. The chords were very zombie movie-ish.”

          Welcome to the wonderful world of The Flaming Lips- where all of their songs sound like that, LMAO!!!

          By the way, if you think that collaboration was weird, you should hear the song they died with Ke$ha and Biz Markie (together) on the same album as their duet with Erykah Badu:

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcgvxrizt3Y

          • whostolethesoul1

            *tapping foot and waiting for the club mix*

      • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

        Erykah Badu’s video is ‘art’ I guess. All I know is, she’d better not shade video h0es. Also menfolk – here’s your opportunity to be Erykah’s baby daddy #4 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2153789/Rothschild-heiresss-marriage-Goldsmith-scion–falls-rapper-called-Jay-Electronica.html I didn’t know she and Jay Electronica were over

        • Royale W. Cheese

          “Art”…well, I dunno. It just strikes me as too obvious and narcissistic. Even the Flaming Lips band members faces and movements reek of “look at how artistic I am…can’t you see the ennui?”

        • Beautifullyhuman

          “Art”… Nah. “Stank”…Yes.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          I agree on the video h0e thing though. Compared to Miss Badu, they’re looking like they’re going to church. At least all they do when they get home from church is the same thing B Sweet was talking about on Friday. ;-)

          • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

            I’m ALL about Erykah Badu usually. Her last 2 releases were instant classics. I like the Flaming Lips as well but… I wasn’t really digging this.

          • b sweet

            ;)

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

          ART?! Plz, I guess all porn starr chicks are certified artists now.

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            LOL let ‘em know, African Mami!

          • writeous

            PicassHOE?

    • Meisarebel

      I watched the video solely because of this comment, and all I can say is wow….

      • b sweet

        Sharing Meisarebel’s sentiment

        • Beautifullyhuman

          @ b sweet

          I just wanted to say I love your hair cut. I didn’t get to tell you this on your comment where you bout damn near killed me from laughing but your cut is really fly. Nice, Ms.

          • b sweet

            Thanks BH!!! Laughs and compliments-I’ll take it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i watched that video but what the hell do you even say to that? lol. like the song sucks donkey nuts. and its just weird. all the weird distracted from the boobs, box, and arse which CANNOT possibly be hers. which calls into question who’s body that is.

      badu has a donk. that was NOT a donk.

      • That Ugly Kid

        It was her sister’s body.

        • mena

          I said this up top. Panama doesn’t read well. :-)

      • SweetSass

        Smh, the video is full of symbolism but you’re fixated on the donk or lack thereof?

        I’ve said it before, I think Badu casts pearls before swine with her depth… When most people are shallow kiddie pools.

        The water is purity. The glitter is obsession with wealth and glitz. The blood is warfare. The semen/icing is sex obsessed pornified culture.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          yes. absolutely.

    • That Ugly Kid

      I just saw the video. The song sucked. But the visuals were decent. Except for the blood part. Stuff covered in blood just doesn’t do it for me. Kinda ruined the money shots. Unsurprisingly, the “semen” shot didn’t bug me at all. Because I’ve seen MUCH worse. The japanese got that Bukkake sh*t on lock.

      As a dare, I watched a (japanese) pr0n movie called Hitomi Tanaka: Semen Baptism. I thought it was going to be awesome because it had my girl Hitomi Tanaka (google her to see why she’s so popular) but….no. Literally the WHOLE movie was this:

      - Scene 1: Her blowing 70 (literally) guys back to back, each of them “releasing” in her mouth.

      - Scene 2: Her laying down while 100 (literally) guys jizz all over her. No sex involved. Don’t know why this turns people on.

      - Scene 3: Her having sex with 150 (literally) guys, back to back. No breaks, no edits. As soon as one guy finished the next guy immediately went in. And get this. Every. Single. One. Came. Inside. Of. Her.

      • Beautifullyhuman

        *Hurls*

      • Meisarebel

        Scene three just sounds so unnecessary.

      • DB

        She got some tig ol bitties. Some lovely bitties at that.

        • That Ugly Kid

          Don’t she, though! I don’t watch any japanese pr0n unless she’s in it so she’s pretty much my favorite by default. But I just don’t rock with japanese pr0n like that. Mainly because I find their obsession with tentacles weird as f*ck.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        Did she even get an orgasm out of it???

        • That Ugly Kid

          Nope. Not at all.

    • https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558166_668021906868_28701767_33573355_1801189031_n.jpg dc1913

      Erykah Badu is on bath salts= #zombieApocalyse … whoever is dating her, bettah watch out…

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Happy Birthday PJ!

    • nillalatte

      What she said… :)

    • Royale W. Cheese

      Go PJ, it’s your birthday!

    • Beautifullyhuman

      I’ll jump in on this. Happy born day!

    • b sweet

      Happy Birthday PJ!! Geminis are the sh*t!!

    • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

      Me too Happy Birthday

    • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

      Happy Birthday PJ!!!!! #geminiseason is upon us. And its the zombie apocalypse. Coincidence???

    • annette_b

      I’ll add mine too…Happy Birthday!

    • http://runningwithhumans.blogspot.com/ dimaati

      Happy Birthday PJ!!

    • A Woman’s Eyes

      ~*~*~ Happy Birthday P Jack ~*~*~*~

    • http://www.twitter.com/SoulaPowa Soula Powa

      Happy b-day to Soul Brotha # 3, Panama Jackson. Live it up!

    • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

      LOL Doesn’t this happen every year? Where airbody thinks June forf is Panama’s B-day? It’s June thurd… because’s he’s a 3. It was DESTINY!!

      But, yeah, I said my piece but I #minuswell join in here at the Vee Ess Bee. Happy Belated, Pimpin’ Panda. *flings all of the confettis*

    • That Ugly Kid

      PJ just received a Happy Belated Birthday from TUK The Great. Rejoice.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      thanks y’all. Reminisce on Saturday was INSANE.

      AND HOT AS THE F*CK. but folks partied hard and like a rock star. i know i did.

      AND i didn’t get drunk. though i remember taking at least 6 shots from jamesons to grand marner to some kamikaze shots to a lemon drop to something else…

    • Yoles

      ♡♥♡HAPPIEST OF BORN DAYS♡♥♡ ♛PJ♛

    • legitimate_soul

      Happy Birthday!

  • Editgirl

    A woman would never be a zombie. Women don’t eat flesh. The negroes are getting in the game but, let’s be clear, those are men eating folks. If you can’t defend yourself from a woman zombie than you suck.

    Now, for women, the way you can tell a man is a zombie is if he’s suddenly fat and you can’t recall him ever snacking enough to pack on the poundage in such a short time. I mean, any dude that gains 25lbs post-break has to be a fleshing eating zombie. What else could be responsible for such a drastic increase in the waist, face and hips? He’s obviously eating homeless people at night.

    After spying my ex from a distance on Friday, I’m convinced he is a zombie thanks to the this post. That’s the only logical way to explain why post-breakup he’s put on so much weight!

    Run, women, run.

    • Editgirl

      Ignore this post. I am ashamed about talking about my exes new waist. Despite his waist, he’s still a good gentleman for someone.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      “A woman would never be a zombie. Women don’t eat flesh. ”

      I take it you’re not familiar with Hall and Oates’ “Man Eater”…?

      If you aren’t, you might be a zombie.

      • nillalatte

        LOL.. omg, that has been a minute. Good one!

      • http://flavors.me/brran1 brran1

        Women may not eat flesh, but some of them sure do have experience with cutting off certain body parts and throwing them into the woods.

        Just saying…

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Women might not eat flesh, but they do swallow it very well… ;-)

      • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

        *rimshot*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i know lots of women who like to bite meat.

      ya know, usually before they get learned a thing or two.

      • Yoles

        many men enjoy a little nibbling on their piece… or so i heard ;)

        • Meisarebel

          Why did I just have a flash back to your most embarrassing moment?

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    Zombies are the dumbest monsters of all time. I hate everyone who likes them. You are a bad person if you think zombies are cool.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

      Wait… I’m gonna stop you there. Zombies aren’t cool?? It depends on what type of zombies we’re talking about. If you’re talking about the classic Night of the Living Dead, Walking Dead, Sean of the Dead (basically anything with “DEAD” in the title) zombies then no, they’re not cool. The scariest thing about them is that they can outnumber you so quickly. But if we’re talking 30 Days Later Zombies or I Am Legend zombies a.k.a. “Rage Zombies” then I’d have to disagree.

      • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

        and Resident Evil (the game not those horrible movies) zombies

    • Breezy

      *Ahem* Don’t forget Michael Jackson “Thriller” zoombies…they are cool.

    • SweetSass

      Sparkly vampires are the worst.

  • nillalatte

    Bath salts, dude. I didn’t know zombies liked their meat so clean! I was like WTH do bath salts have to do with zombie behavior? Apparently, we also have to be on the look out for HOT zombie behavior that makes folks strip butt-nakked then look for free meals lying around in homeless environments.

    Side note: a friend of mine is a cop in Miami and posted an actual crime scene photo on his FB- one you most likely will never see in the media. That shyt was not pretty. I still ain’t figured out why the victim was also nakked.

    • nillalatte

      “what the f*ck up is up with the zombie apocalypse anyway?”

      Computer game hype to make you want to buy violent games that cause mass hysteria in the general population, who normally does not have enough common sense to separate reality from hype.

      “What do you think is really going on in these streets??”
      Don’t know, but I have a legal permit to hunt zombies in 2012/2013 in the United States. There are no daily bag limits. Good for rifles & handguns .223 caliber or larger. Shotguns B/BB or larger. No bird shot. I’m fully prepared. Bring it on! :D

      • Sweet GA Brown

        After the whole Miami zombie thing. Me and my coworkers immediately researched zombie-killing weapons. Apparently silver bullets specifically made for zombies are available for online purchase and they may be on sale.

        • That Ugly Kid

          Silver bullets? What a waste of time and resources. They’re zombies, not werewolves. Severe head trauma is all that is needed to kill a zombie.

          • nillalatte

            So, the extra garlic I wear around my neck ain’t gonna stop no zombie? Darn. smdh… lol

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              *whispers to nilla* Garlic keeps away vampires, not zombies.

    • Kandi

      Say no more, I was like where was I, Bath salts. It is slang or like real bath salts. Anyway the Haitian was a victim of that juju/voodoo. Im african so i know the work of a babalawo when I see it. They put that Kony special (s/o jason russell) on his ass.

      • nillalatte

        Haven’t really studied it, but from what I’ve seen its a LEGAL mixture of different chemicals & in some places sold in convenience stores. New deadly combination drug. No good for you unless you want to act like a flesh eating zombie & get shot by the police. Me, I’ll pass.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        When I first read the story and found out dude was in Miami and was Haitian, i immediately thought someone put roots on him…and then I thought it was PCP. Im almost sure it had to be PCP since that rapper on the west coast got locked up for doing that same sh!t to his girlfriend. They found him passed out naked in the street.

        • Meisarebel

          “Fkn Haitians, in a fkn little azz room, with fkn guns…. Shid!”

          • Ree

            “DeDevil is not welcum heeahhhhh”

            • Meisarebel

              Thank you for that. You made my day.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          aint zombies a haitian thing originally anyway?

          • erika

            After watching The Serpent and the Rainbow way back when I decided that I would not mess around with Haitians.

    • No comment

      @ nillalatte – The victim was naked because the “zombie” overpowered him and ripped his clothes off. Miami, Florida – Haitians – he got hit with the juju and that’s some powerful stuff (don’t ask me how I know). I really would like to write my governor and ask if there’s a way to cut Miami off of Florida and make it its own state. I remember when Hurricane Andrew hit and those of us in Ft. Lauderdale (which is like a ten minute drive away) were saying Andrew destroyed Miami because those people are evil and they need God in their lives, lol.

      • erika

        LOL! Seriously, I was talking to someone about how plans need to be in place to remove Florida and send it into the Atlantic to keep the crazy from spreading!

        • No comment

          “Seriously, I was talking to someone about how plans need to be in place to remove Florida and send it into the Atlantic to keep the crazy from spreading!”

          Not all of Florida – just Miami. And all the crazies are from places other than Florida. Plan in place to remove all non-native Floridians and retirees – now we’re talking!

    • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

      Queeen,

      I’m very disturbed by your POLICE friend posting a nekkid picture of a victim/eater whatever. What does he stand to gain?! Urrrgh…I’m actually pissed.

      • nillalatte

        It ain’t nothing Mami. A lot of my/his friends are either in health care or law enforcement so it ain’t all that to us. Actually, I’ve seen /he’s posted worse. It reminds a lot of people just how cruel & hard this world we live in can be.

        • http://afrikanmami.blogspot.com African Mami

          oooh okay.

          I c that you are now finally e-booed up!!! Ya’ll are kiiiiiiiiyuuuuute!!

          • nillalatte

            LOL… yes, girl, and he just might be the one I keep! He’s acting right so far. ;)

  • Ree

    Soooo… I have no signs but I do have a request, if there are any very smart zombies reading this. Could someone please bite me early? I don’t want to be one of the last ninjas on earth trying to save civilizations from the zombie apocalypse. #1 I’m not a fast runner #2 I have no experience with shotguns

    But umm anyway… I really just wanted to see if my gravatar showed up.

    • Ree

      Yay!!!

    • nillalatte

      LOL… bite you early?! Okay, guys, if you don’t jump on this you are NOT very smart brothas! That was MORE than a hint! lmao

      • Meisarebel

        I would, but I’m taken.

        ;-)

        • nillalatte

          That you are! Betta not be biting anyone else, but me! I don’t share my meat! I’m one of those greedy zombies! But, I think I need a little more spice to enhance your delectable flavor! YUM!

          • Meisarebel

            Oh no love. These lips shall touch nothing but your flesh. As for spice, I’m 1/4 Chinese and hail from Trinidad. Darlin, we have spice covered.

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      Don’t ask to get bitten
      Just stock up alone and wait them out….

      http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html

      • Girl Kanyeshrug

        And I mean ALONE.
        Silly panicking non-bitten people will get you in trouble!

      • Ree

        I Am NO Legend

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        This makes all the sense. Just sit down somewhere and shut up.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

      Yes. Your gravatar DEFINITELY showed up. =)

      • Ree

        :)

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Oh, yes it did! ;) Very cute there Ree!

      • Ree

        Thanks!

    • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

      Where would you like your first bite?

    • https://www.facebook.com/#!/jessica.l.lawson.7?sk=info JessaTheTruth

      How did u get ur avitar to show up??? lol I cant get mine to work :(

      • Ree

        I went to gravatar.com and uploaded it.

  • DQ

    You might be the next victim of the Zombie Apocalypse if:

    1. During sex with your S/O they bite down a little too hard on something of yours… like it was a test run to see just how tender and juicy you might be.

    2. You catch your S/O staring at you intensely… and oh yeah it’s 3 am, you’re in the bed, and you live alone. Yeah, you’re about to be eaten.

    3. You find a Hannibal Lecter mask hidden in a secret compartment behind a false panel in the wall of your S/O’s house. Actually it’s probably already too late for you. In the movies, as soon as the character discovers who the killer is, they die.

    4. You wake up alone (possibly on a gurney in an abandoned medical facility but not necessarily that way) and there is no one else around anywhere. Trust me, the Apocalypse has already started. Get a gun or die.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      where are you going to get a gun if you wake up alone in an abandoned medical facility? you probably dont even have on shoes.

      • DQ

        Real G’s keep them thangs on them wherever they go… I remember one time when I almost accidentally put my heat in the collection plate instead of a dollar cause I’m just that hood and cause you never know what might go down on Easter Sunday. Is pastor beefing with the Usher Board? I’ont know. But if it jumps off during the sermon, I’m ready.

        Now if you reject everything I said as good ole foolishness (as you probably should) just know that the person who wakes up in an abandoned city that doesn’t acquire a gun by breakfast will probably be lunch by noon.

        • Sweet GA Brown

          SMH

      • whostolethesoul1

        um, “mcgyver” it from the damn gurney and it will shoot old needles w/old propofol (sp) becuz you are that damn good…

  • http://www.twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

    As a Floridian, I’ve been saying we should quarantine Miami while we can but it is too late now. It’s spreading. We should just quarantine the US but people got flyer miles and passports.

    If the Zombie Apocalypse is here:
    1. Keep an eye out for any blood that frequents the cemetery (excuses can range from them visiting their boy who was shot back in ’07, or needing to take a stroll)

    2. If your S/O suddenly starts practicing the choreography to “Thriller” by MJ: RUN!

    3. He/She never liked oral chex, but has lately been performing with the gusto Usain Bolt.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      “2. If your S/O suddenly starts practicing the choreography to “Thriller” by MJ: RUN!”

      BOL.

      • Beautifullyhuman

        I’m with you on this…lol.

    • No comment

      @Think2Inspire – I thought I was the Floridian thinking that about Miami. Kinda wanna cut it off the state and let it float away. Maybe this Zombie Apocalypse will stop all those cocky – a@@ed New Yorkers from moving here, lol. I remember my family saying Hurricane Andrew beat the bat sh#$ out of Miami because it was evil and those people need God in their lives. It was a warning for them to straighten up and all that good stuff (and we were in Ft. Lauderdale).

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Hey, I just happen to be a cocky-a$$ed New Yorker. Be nice. :)

        • No comment

          @ Todd – No offense, honey :). I’ve actually met a bunch of nice New Yorkers. The cocky ones seem to move here though. Are those the ones y’all kick out and they come to Florida? Just wondering.

          • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

            They’re not cocky because they’re New Yorkers. They’re cocky because they are rich or think they’re rich. psshhh. you ain’t sht! tell them that.

            • Breezy

              Plus Todd is a WHITE cocky New Yorker so…

              • No comment

                @ Breezy – Black or white, I believe they all get cocky when they move down here. Is there no other state in the South to move to, geez? Ending the US at VERO BEACH?! We need the muck too! Where would Florida be without Belle Glade and Pahokee? Since I was raised in Broward County, we have to keep that part of Florida – maybe just cut off the southernmost tip of it.

                • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                  It’s the part of the South that NYers feel safe at. Everything between like Dayton Beach and Washington DC scares them. LOL

                  • A Woman’s Eyes

                    LMAO!!!!

                    And 99% of New Yorkers are cocky. Hell, even Joan Rivers is cocky. She’s from Brooklyn! Ok! LMAO

      • Breezy

        Rattlerpride: Alas you are not. I keep telling ninjas that the UNITED STATES of AMERICAN ends at VERO BEACH. Everything below that is an extension of Cuba and Haiti. They should just drop a boom down there while there is still time.

    • http://taterwithak.blogspot.com K. Marie

      I’m mad because I really wanted to go to Miami for my birthday. Now….not so much. I could see myself running down Collins, full speed yelling “DON’T EAT MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

      • Justmetheguy

        @ K. Marie- Right! U literally stole my sentiment and beat me to that comment. My birthday’s comin up next month too. Smdh, maybe I’ll buy me a hockey mask and a baseball bat and say f*ck it lol

    • http://pervertedalchemist.blogspot.com/ Perverted Alchemist

      What in the blue hell do y’ll have going on down in Florida? LMAO!

  • Justmetheguy

    Umm…Did I miss something? What the hell’s everybody talkin bout?

    • Kandi

      Puts in the access code for Under a Rock condos… Hey JMTG

    • Beautifullyhuman

      I’m not too up on the eating the hearts thing, but last week in Miami some crazed guy attacked a homeless man, and starting literally eating him alive. Google “Miami cannibal.” It’s pretty disgusting though. Not for the faint at heart.

      • Justmetheguy

        Whoa…wtf! Man this is the last thing I needed to hear considering my pessimistic outlook on the future of this world/country….I’m seriously speechless…I won’t be shocked if this happens more often either…

        • Beautifullyhuman

          I wouldn’t be shocked either. I’m not surprised by what I hear anymore. Humanity can be deprave at times; the human mind is so fragile.

        • nillalatte

          It already has happened again. Google brain eaten~ intestines~ etc. This new “bath salts” thing is a hot arsenal mess!

          • nillalatte

            LOL. arse ~ new toy chooses own words!

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          And a dude at Morgan State U. killed another Black man, ate his heart and pieces of his brain. :-/

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            it was his roommate

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              lawwwwdddd gonna be freaking out people about their roommate assignment for next year!

          • MJoy

            my ex went to Morgan and only ordered Meat Lovers pizza….

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Thank God he is your ex now.

              Usually when stuff like this happens, I automatically assume that its something in the water.

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      You are the lucky one…

    • b sweet

      I said the same thing, but then I remembered my brother texted me the picture of the man’s eaten off face, freaking me the phuck out.

      Sidebar- why do people always want you to experience crazy sh@t? i.e, ‘this picture is horrible, look!’, or ‘this food is disgusting, taste it!’, etc, etc. (still freaked out that my brother sent me that picture!!!)

      • Royale W. Cheese

        “‘this food is disgusting, taste it!’, etc, etc. ”

        OMG, this was me growing up with my big sister. That and “This stinks! Smell it! Here, smell it!” lol

        • b sweet

          RWC-Stop it. Now!!!

      • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

        I never got that either…like the other day smeone was clearly not abiding by the harassment laws and was passing around a picture of a dude who had his thing cut off and put in his mouth…now by the 3rd persons :O face i didnt even wanna see it and went back to pretending to work yet 12 other people knew it’d be gross and insisted on ruining their lunch

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      Yes sir, you did.
      Dude got high and began eating a man’s (allegedly didn’t even stop when they cops shot at him)
      Dude killed his friend and ate his heart and brain
      Woman tried to eat baby’s arm
      I don’t know about the rest…

  • Berbere

    Lmao at the Marquis Daniels reference, he does look he needs a plate of food!