Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

5 Signs That You Might Be Dating a Zombie Who Might Zombie Apocalapyse Your A**

You’d pretty much have to live under a rock to not realize that the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. From crazy ninjas eating homeless guys faces to random Black college students eating hearts, etc…one thing is for sure.

Black folks are TOTALLY taking over the crime market previously labeled as “Whites Only”.

Seriously, what is really going on these days. Obviously there are some mental health issues at play but do you realize HOW f*cked up you have to be in order to partake in cannibalism. In 2012? You can buy a 20-piece of chicken nuggets for like $2.99. The point is that you don’t need to eat other people. The rent may be too damn high but unhealthy foodstuffs are cheap as hell. Eating somebody’s heart or face just doesn’t seem necessary. At all. Unless you’re f*cked the f*ck up.

Moving on. Well, with this Zombie Apocalypse upon us, it is important to start looking for the signs. One day your best friend is cool as a fan, gat in hand, and then the next day this mofo is nibbling on your finger reaching for the Tabasco or Texas Pete. Now imagine if you’re out here dating in these streets!!!!! You JUST might end up dating a motherloving zombie. Now a stone cold non-killer like myself believes that Ace of Base had it right when they started sawing the signs. That’s because just like neon and STOP…signs exist.

So let’s take a look at 5 signs that the person you’re dating just might be a zombie (and thus you should probably cuz that relationship short).

1. They spend too much time examining and appreciating your physical features

One person sees appreciation, but think about it like a zombie? If I’m a zombie, I’m looking at you for the whitemeats, thighmeats, goodmeats, etc. What if I’m a fingerloving zombie? And I really admire your fingers. I’m just saying, anybody spending too much time appreciating certain features might be on that zombie sh*t.

2. They’re Boston Celtics fans

Two words: Marquise. Daniels.

3. They keep showing up announced

Aside from just being straight up stalkeresque, I feel like anybody who constantly shows up unannounced just might kill you. But since they are already f*cked up, there’s a good chance they just might try to eat your face. There could be a pun in there but I’m too lazy to find it and its 11:56pm right now and I’m not even halfway through this sh*t because I keep watching replays of the Wade missing that damn 3. Sure he had a good look and sure you can’t ask for a better shot than that, but WHY THE HELL CAN’T THE HEAT HIT FREE THROWS??

What was I talking about again? Ah yes…zombies. And dating.

4. When they write you love letters or texts – it is 2012 afterall – they tell you that they can’t picture life without you

While that absolutely sounds like the sweetest thing Lauryn Hill has ever known (SUMMER JAM…go Nas) just think about that for a second. If somebody determines that they no longer want to be with you…and you have already determined that you cannot live without that person…wouldn’t that effectively kill you? Yes. And if you are dead and come back into the game on some zombieing sh*t, wouldn’t you THEN go eat the heart and calf of the person who kilt you dead?

See also: P.M. Dawn – I’d Die Without You and Robin Thicke – Lost Without You

5. They always want to take you to Brazilian steak houses or places that serve inordinate amounts of meat

And yes, if your boo ONLY eats MeatLovers pizzas and isn’t being ironic, then there’s a good chance that you’re dating somebody who might go full zombie on you at some point. They’ve already got an affinity for meat. Or one of those places that services bacon-wrapped, pork chopped wrapped, steak with sausage balls in the middle. Yeah. that motherlover is already on that flesh sh*t. And you know what you have? Flesh. And do you know what motherlovers on that flesh sh*t do? Go zombie. Word to big bird.

Well that’s 5 signs to look out for. What else do you have? This is VERY IMPORTANT right now. With zombies out here going all hipster on us, we need all of the help we can muster. And um, what the f*ck up is up with the zombie apocalypse anyway? What do you think is really going on in these streets??

Talk to me.


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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Royale W. Cheese

    Zombies? What, no commentary on the new Erykah Badu/ Flaming Lips video?

  • I Am Your People

    Happy Birthday PJ!

  • Editgirl

    A woman would never be a zombie. Women don’t eat flesh. The negroes are getting in the game but, let’s be clear, those are men eating folks. If you can’t defend yourself from a woman zombie than you suck.

    Now, for women, the way you can tell a man is a zombie is if he’s suddenly fat and you can’t recall him ever snacking enough to pack on the poundage in such a short time. I mean, any dude that gains 25lbs post-break has to be a fleshing eating zombie. What else could be responsible for such a drastic increase in the waist, face and hips? He’s obviously eating homeless people at night.

    After spying my ex from a distance on Friday, I’m convinced he is a zombie thanks to the this post. That’s the only logical way to explain why post-breakup he’s put on so much weight!

    Run, women, run.

  • Malik

    Zombies are the dumbest monsters of all time. I hate everyone who likes them. You are a bad person if you think zombies are cool.

  • nillalatte

    Bath salts, dude. I didn’t know zombies liked their meat so clean! I was like WTH do bath salts have to do with zombie behavior? Apparently, we also have to be on the look out for HOT zombie behavior that makes folks strip butt-nakked then look for free meals lying around in homeless environments.

    Side note: a friend of mine is a cop in Miami and posted an actual crime scene photo on his FB- one you most likely will never see in the media. That shyt was not pretty. I still ain’t figured out why the victim was also nakked.

  • Ree

    Soooo… I have no signs but I do have a request, if there are any very smart zombies reading this. Could someone please bite me early? I don’t want to be one of the last ninjas on earth trying to save civilizations from the zombie apocalypse. #1 I’m not a fast runner #2 I have no experience with shotguns

    But umm anyway… I really just wanted to see if my gravatar showed up.

  • DQ

    You might be the next victim of the Zombie Apocalypse if:

    1. During sex with your S/O they bite down a little too hard on something of yours… like it was a test run to see just how tender and juicy you might be.

    2. You catch your S/O staring at you intensely… and oh yeah it’s 3 am, you’re in the bed, and you live alone. Yeah, you’re about to be eaten.

    3. You find a Hannibal Lecter mask hidden in a secret compartment behind a false panel in the wall of your S/O’s house. Actually it’s probably already too late for you. In the movies, as soon as the character discovers who the killer is, they die.

    4. You wake up alone (possibly on a gurney in an abandoned medical facility but not necessarily that way) and there is no one else around anywhere. Trust me, the Apocalypse has already started. Get a gun or die.

    • Panama Jackson

      where are you going to get a gun if you wake up alone in an abandoned medical facility? you probably dont even have on shoes.

      • DQ

        Real G’s keep them thangs on them wherever they go… I remember one time when I almost accidentally put my heat in the collection plate instead of a dollar cause I’m just that hood and cause you never know what might go down on Easter Sunday. Is pastor beefing with the Usher Board? I’ont know. But if it jumps off during the sermon, I’m ready.

        Now if you reject everything I said as good ole foolishness (as you probably should) just know that the person who wakes up in an abandoned city that doesn’t acquire a gun by breakfast will probably be lunch by noon.

        • Sweet GA Brown


      • whostolethesoul1

        um, “mcgyver” it from the damn gurney and it will shoot old needles w/old propofol (sp) becuz you are that damn good…

  • Think2Inspire

    As a Floridian, I’ve been saying we should quarantine Miami while we can but it is too late now. It’s spreading. We should just quarantine the US but people got flyer miles and passports.

    If the Zombie Apocalypse is here:
    1. Keep an eye out for any blood that frequents the cemetery (excuses can range from them visiting their boy who was shot back in ’07, or needing to take a stroll)

    2. If your S/O suddenly starts practicing the choreography to “Thriller” by MJ: RUN!

    3. He/She never liked oral chex, but has lately been performing with the gusto Usain Bolt.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      “2. If your S/O suddenly starts practicing the choreography to “Thriller” by MJ: RUN!”


      • Beautifullyhuman

        I’m with you on this…lol.

    • No comment

      @Think2Inspire – I thought I was the Floridian thinking that about Miami. Kinda wanna cut it off the state and let it float away. Maybe this Zombie Apocalypse will stop all those cocky – a@@ed New Yorkers from moving here, lol. I remember my family saying Hurricane Andrew beat the bat sh#$ out of Miami because it was evil and those people need God in their lives. It was a warning for them to straighten up and all that good stuff (and we were in Ft. Lauderdale).

      •!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Hey, I just happen to be a cocky-a$$ed New Yorker. Be nice. :)

        • No comment

          @ Todd – No offense, honey :). I’ve actually met a bunch of nice New Yorkers. The cocky ones seem to move here though. Are those the ones y’all kick out and they come to Florida? Just wondering.

      • Breezy

        Rattlerpride: Alas you are not. I keep telling ninjas that the UNITED STATES of AMERICAN ends at VERO BEACH. Everything below that is an extension of Cuba and Haiti. They should just drop a boom down there while there is still time.

    • K. Marie

      I’m mad because I really wanted to go to Miami for my birthday. Now….not so much. I could see myself running down Collins, full speed yelling “DON’T EAT MY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

      • Justmetheguy

        @ K. Marie- Right! U literally stole my sentiment and beat me to that comment. My birthday’s comin up next month too. Smdh, maybe I’ll buy me a hockey mask and a baseball bat and say f*ck it lol

    • Perverted Alchemist

      What in the blue hell do y’ll have going on down in Florida? LMAO!

  • Justmetheguy

    Umm…Did I miss something? What the hell’s everybody talkin bout?

    • Kandi

      Puts in the access code for Under a Rock condos… Hey JMTG

    • Beautifullyhuman

      I’m not too up on the eating the hearts thing, but last week in Miami some crazed guy attacked a homeless man, and starting literally eating him alive. Google “Miami cannibal.” It’s pretty disgusting though. Not for the faint at heart.

      • Justmetheguy

        Whoa…wtf! Man this is the last thing I needed to hear considering my pessimistic outlook on the future of this world/country….I’m seriously speechless…I won’t be shocked if this happens more often either…

        • Beautifullyhuman

          I wouldn’t be shocked either. I’m not surprised by what I hear anymore. Humanity can be deprave at times; the human mind is so fragile.

        • nillalatte

          It already has happened again. Google brain eaten~ intestines~ etc. This new “bath salts” thing is a hot arsenal mess!

          • nillalatte

            LOL. arse ~ new toy chooses own words!

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          And a dude at Morgan State U. killed another Black man, ate his heart and pieces of his brain. :-/

          • Panama Jackson

            it was his roommate

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              lawwwwdddd gonna be freaking out people about their roommate assignment for next year!

          • MJoy

            my ex went to Morgan and only ordered Meat Lovers pizza….

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Thank God he is your ex now.

              Usually when stuff like this happens, I automatically assume that its something in the water.

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      You are the lucky one…

    • b sweet

      I said the same thing, but then I remembered my brother texted me the picture of the man’s eaten off face, freaking me the phuck out.

      Sidebar- why do people always want you to experience crazy sh@t? i.e, ‘this picture is horrible, look!’, or ‘this food is disgusting, taste it!’, etc, etc. (still freaked out that my brother sent me that picture!!!)

      • Royale W. Cheese

        “‘this food is disgusting, taste it!’, etc, etc. ”

        OMG, this was me growing up with my big sister. That and “This stinks! Smell it! Here, smell it!” lol

        • b sweet

          RWC-Stop it. Now!!!

      • Tristan

        I never got that either…like the other day smeone was clearly not abiding by the harassment laws and was passing around a picture of a dude who had his thing cut off and put in his mouth…now by the 3rd persons :O face i didnt even wanna see it and went back to pretending to work yet 12 other people knew it’d be gross and insisted on ruining their lunch

    • WIP

      Yes sir, you did.
      Dude got high and began eating a man’s (allegedly didn’t even stop when they cops shot at him)
      Dude killed his friend and ate his heart and brain
      Woman tried to eat baby’s arm
      I don’t know about the rest…

  • Berbere

    Lmao at the Marquis Daniels reference, he does look he needs a plate of food!

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