Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

5 signs that you just might have to marry her ass

yo, son: when you gonna stop d*ckin around and marry her ass?”

even though we all know a chick or three that would cut her closest homegirl’s throat if forced to choose between her and her man, the prevailing thought is that a woman’s girlfriends have an unparalleled influence on who she chooses to date.

in truth, a man’s best friend actually welds more power than any other third party.

noone, not his dad, his deacon, or his dealer has as much “she aint right for you, dog” veto power as a guy’s acebooncoon. even if they’re not exactly paragons of relationship health themselves, they’re usually ultra cynical genius-level bullshit detectors when it comes to who their homie happens to be dating because they knowknow you better than anyone else, and truly want you to be happy.

because of this, men need to pay extra close attention when their best friend asks em, “when you gonna stop dickin around and marry her ass?”, because any woman your best friend would actually say that about is definitely a keeper, even if you haven’t realized it.

anyway, although countless viewings of the obama calenders in our cubicles have given us an idea of what a keeper might look like, many of us wouldn’t recognize a. keeper even if she were giving us a lapdance while rocking twin “hi. i’m a. keeper” tassels on her chest.

this is even more pronounced with brothas who, educated or not, all could use a bit more help figuring out that there’s no real correlation between ring-worthiness and ass-to-waist ratio.

to help our vsb’s out, and as another example of our crime-fighting ideals, here’s four more signs that she’s probably a keeper…and you just might have to marry her ass:

1. your sex life is better than it was a year ago

why does this matter? well, an improving sex life means that you’ve grown more sexually compatible, a fact that suggests a combination of three separate things:

a) you’re communicating better

b) she’s getting more comfortable with herself and her body

c) she was patient enough to wait for you to “catch up” to her

either way, its a sign she thinks enough of you and your relationship to work to improve on something that many “grown” women (and, from what i’ve heard, men) take for granted: chicks who think that “shave”, “show up once a week” and “take off your panties” are the only reasonable relationship sexual requirements on their end.

2. she blushes when people give her genuine compliments

although, of course, if she happens to blush and coo when mr. md20/20 at the club tells her that she looks better than a five year old can of spam, maybe it’s time to re-think those joint lease plans.

3. she spends the night with you when you’re sick

i’ve always found it amazing that the same woman who needs to call the national guard to help her kill a baby spider in her apartment will happily volunteer to spend the night with a guy with amoebic dysentery if she cares enough about him.

4. she’s a great tipper

they say that character is best defined by how you behave when you think noone is looking. they also said that the hangover would actually be funny. basically, they are full of shit.

anyway, when you consider a typical woman’s relationship with money, a woman willing to generously and graciously tip a person who many others would deem to be a social subordinate says a lot about her character, constitution, and potential willingness to occasionally sleep in the wet spot, all valued qualities of a keeper.

people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? can you think of any more signs that a woman might be “wife material”?

the carpet is yours.

—the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Leila

    “A man’s best friend actually welds more power than any other third party”

    I gotta agree. I just went to dinner with some friends and one guy brought up this girl who he thinks is the one and mentioned how his boys agreed that she’s the one for him. He didn’t mention what anyone else thought, even his mom who he’s very close to. I could tell that his boys’ opinions mattered a lot.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Leila,

      I just went to dinner with some friends and one guy brought up this girl who he thinks is the one and mentioned how his boys agreed that she’s the one for him

      you have to be careful though if its unanimous like that, because sometimes that means she smashed the homies

  • SeeNoEvilHearNoEvil

    She is a keeper if:
    She knows all your personal information ie..social security number have access to your bank accounts, blood type and know your REAL name and she has not disclosed it or used the funds to support her Mac and shoes habit instead she willingly contributes the nest-egg funds…she is most definately a keeper!

    • sunshyne84

      @SeeNoEvilHearNoEvil, why would she even have all of that before being certified as a keeper?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @sunshyne84,

        lol, yeah. i was thinking the same thing. sh*t, i dont even know my own blood type.

        welcome and sh*t, btw (i think)

        • alicia

          My bf and I have been together for five years and I have ALL OF THAT INFO. It’s just something you learn after being together for a long time. P.S. The homies gave me the stamp four years ago, we just picked out my ring last week. Still ringless.

    • miss t-lee

      @SeeNoEvilHearNoEvil,
      His Blood type?

      Clearly…I’ve had it all wrong.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfim.ning.com Monk

        @miss t-lee,

        My girl and I have actually talked about bloodtypes and the such, we’re corny like that and shyt.

        • miss t-lee

          @Monk,
          Awww…I think she’s a keeper!!! :)

    • IJstDntUnderstand

      @SeeNoEvilHearNoEvil,
      LMFAO! This comment made me just burst into laughter in my quiet office..and now everyone is looking at me with the “I knew she was crazy” eyes!
      Anywho… If a *Keeper* knows all this infor about you it’s for 1 of 2 reasons (or maybe both)
      1.) she is a damn good detective and should have studied that in school instead of business management
      2.) the said *Keeper* is thinking about keeping you around for the long haul too and just wants to make sure things are ok on your end before she signs that lifetime agreement.
      The fact that she took the time to find these things out means she is serious bout her ish…and the fact that she didn’t use them should speak volumes!

  • Ivyette

    “people of vsb.com, did i miss anything? ”

    No, only the 5th reason

    “can you think of any more signs that a woman might be “wife material”? ”

    Ohhh, like a 5th sign? Let’s see….um……

    5. She can count

    (and beat you to it when saying _____deez)

    • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

      @Ivyette,

      HAHAHAHA! I caught that too!

    • bittersweet’s baby

      @Ivyette,

      Yeah, girl, I was kinda thinkin’ that was a test of the Emergency VSS system…

      Guess we all bout to be offered a buncha deez…

      • bittersweet’s baby

        @bittersweet’s baby, Champ

        (Sure, you’re gonna say the dude’s best friend endorsement was included in the list, but whateva.)

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          @bittersweet’s baby, right, exactly. if you’ve been playing along, champ writes his list posts like this all the time. (drives me nuts, that’s why I notice LOL).

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @everyone in this thread

          “if you’ve been playing along, champ writes his list posts like this all the time”

          obviously some of the vss’s just aren’t very smart

    • Ivyette

      @Ivyette,

      @Everyone (even the “champ”)

      I just reread the post and you all are right. There are five signs. I was focusing on the numbers. LOL :)

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Ivyette,

        focus on deez instead

        • Ivyette

          @The Champ,
          “focus on deez instead”

          shut-up

          (yea, yea..I know- “shut up deez” LOL)

  • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com/ naturallyalise1

    You should go on ahead and tie that knot when she stays with you after getting laid off/fired and genuinely does not treat you any different while you get back on your feet. That means she’s down for you through thick and thin and won’t be a b*tch when she discovers every day with you isn’t filled with unicorns & glitter.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @naturallyalise1,

      “You should go on ahead and tie that knot when she stays with you after getting laid off/fired and genuinely does not treat you any different while you get back on your feet”

      good point. the recession is testing a ton of relationships right now

    • Dash

      @naturallyalise1,
      If I was the marrying kind I would have wifed someone who did the above. In 10 years I may seriously regret my decision to let her go.

  • http://www.dedicatedtotheblackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

    If she steps backs when you are acting like a straight up fool, lets to vent, cold shoulder, play PSIII for the entire weekend, gives you a forgiving but knowing look when you try to half ass make up without actually apologizing for your straight up fool acting ass, cooks your favorite meal and welcomes you back into her arms and into her bed to let you know she will always love you, understand you and let you be you!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @WonderWoman,

      sounds like there’s something you want to get off of your chest

  • http://www.dedicatedtotheblackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

    “lets you vent” I hate typos!

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    I would add something. But I know nothing. And I’m sure I don’t quite fit the “marrying kind” category.

    Why, you ask? Because I’m a Pimp in a Purple Suit.

    I just wanted to say that. Carry on.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @chaoticdiva,

      And I’m sure I don’t quite fit the “marrying kind” category

      this is true. not everyone is built for marriage. the world needs mistresses too. look at alicia keys

      • Will Slap EmWithaDegree+Frame

        @The Champ, co-sign, the threat of a mistress keeps the main chick on her toes…how else would you explain the trench and red pumps in the emergency relationship rescue bag closet.

    • atltx

      @chaoticdiva,

      Can i be your #1 b!tch? I slang a mean portion of pvc. I’ll even build you a stool to step up on when you want to slap the sh8t and taste out of my mouth…holla at ya boy.

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @atltx,

        Yes, but first you must pass a series of tests that indicate your worth. I don’t slang pyrite, I slang diamonds, fool.

        (no, I don’t have any sense whatsoever).

    • Ivy St.

      @chaoticdiva,
      “Why, you ask? Because I’m a Pimp in a Purple Suit.”
      I love it!

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  • Buxxy

    If she lets you be a man publicly and privately.

    • DG

      @Buxxy,

      “If she lets you be a man publicly and privately.”
      Please explain…I have difficulty believing that I need a woman’s “permission” to be me….

      • http://blackgirlunscripted.wordpress.com Anike Love

        @DG, it’s not about needing her permission, it’s about a woman recognizing a man’s need to feel validated at times. Por ejemplo, if you like picking up the check, she’s not fighting you at the restaurant like “I GOT THIS! I’M PAYING FOR ME AND MY MAN!” thus making your balls recoil in horror. Or if she’s whipping a Caddy, but you’re taking the subway (hey, it’s rough out here), she may give you the keys to let you drive so you can feel like a betterman (cue: Musiq Soulchild)

        And of course, privately, she makes you feel like a man by telling you it feels good even if the big “O”mi-goodness! came 10 minutes ago lol.

        • DG

          @Anike Love,
          Thanks for the explanation…I get what you’re saying, but I think it’s the semantics of “letting a man be a man,” as if true manhood needs validation. I guess I was raised thinking that a man is a man even when no one else is looking…so if you pick up the check every now and then, I’m surely not threatened by that…and if I’m taking the metro, I’m still taking care of business (i.e., going to work, etc.). I don’t need to drive her car to maintain/validate my manhood.
          I guess it’s just the way it’s said…

      • http://www.buxxybunny.blogspot.com Buxxy

        @DG,

        I don’t recall putting the word “permission” in there but if thats how you took then yikes! All I am trying to say is that a women needs to know when to shut up and let her man be a man. Its a subtle art that has been lost throughout the womanhood community. I am a very traditional person, so I feel like the man is the head of the household. Some women don’t feel that way and when the natural order of things is disrupted pandoras box is opened. So if you can find a woman that understands her role in the relationship (now this doesn’t mean that she is totally submissive object to be abused) then she may be the one to marry.

        But this is a complex topic because we would first need to establish what is to be a man… Spiritually, mentally and physically. I am ready for my mid day nap so we will have to continue that convo at a later date :)

        • DG

          @Buxxy,

          I gotcha…thanks for the explanation….

          Enjoy your nap (get some Zz for me too)…

  • JumpOnIt

    You can bring out to family and friend functions without the fear that she’ll embarrass you. You mother and sisters, father, uncles like her, treat and call her family, and she has manners. So not only do you not mind bringing her out in public, you enjoy it.

    Cuz there are some people that are just like Anthony Mason can’t go no where with him (name the movie).

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @JumpOnIt,

      “Cuz there are some people that are just like Anthony Mason can’t go no where with him (name the movie).”

      the original kings of comedy