Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

5 Reasons Why The Gay Mafia Is So Fierce

“The game done changed”

“Game’s the same, just got more fierce”

Yesterday, as I read another one of the hundreds of thousands of articles about Tracy Morgan and his apology tour, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of envy. I’m sure this — the fact that I’d feel envious while reading an article about Tracy Morgan — isn’t that surprising. Millions of people would also be envious of a person who manages to make millions of dollars for being a professional damn fool who also happens to be occasionally funny.

But, what is surprising about this envy is the fact that Tracy Morgan isn’t the one who caused me to be green. No, f*ck Tracy, I’m completely in awe of, enamored with, impressed by, and jealous of the vastness of the Gay Mafia’s powers.

You probably think I’m being facetious, but you can’t help but take notice of a group that manages to make a comedian who’s made an entire career out of saying shockingly stupid (and shockingly lazy) sh*t spend an entire summer apologizing for…saying some shockingly stupid (and shockingly lazy) sh*t. I mean, I don’t know exactly how much money Morgan has made in his career, but I’m assuming that he has “F*ck you!” money. Basically, he’s rich enough to just say “F*ck you, I’m not apologizing for sh*t” and retire to Turks and Caicos, but he still was able to be strong-armed by this group. Who knew the real life Deebos all drove Priuses?

Anyway, the fact they they’ve been able to publicly bitch a 45 year old rich black guy from Bed-Stuy is just one of the many reasons why the Gay Mafia is so gotdamn fierce.

Here’s 4 more

2. They unapologetically hijack sh*t

Exactly what sh*t have they hijacked? Well, lets start off with the word “gay.”

Ok, ok, ok. I know they weren’t entirely responsible for this kidnapping. The word was, um, given to them, but they’ve never given it back!

Now, when people like me are slaving over blog entries, racking our brains for three letter synonyms for “happy” that begin with “g,” I have to run to a thesaurus because using “gay” just doesn’t f*king work anymore.

They’ve also managed to hijack the word “fierce,” the term “partner,” the rainbow, tie-dye t-shirts, butterflies, ice cream cones, and Tyra Banks.

3. They’re stealth

Unlike the Natural Hair Mafia (who can usually be detected by just paying attention to the nearing smell of nag champa) and the real Mafia (who can usually be detected by just paying attention to the nearing smell of money clips, Adidas sweat suits, and canoli), the Gay Mafia is virtually undetectable; a roving, shape-shifting mass with the ability to surround and engulf without any warning.

Basically, they’re exactly like a really bad fart, but with a really killer fashion sense and a 72% stake in Miramax.

4. They have everyone completely shook

In the three years since VSB first launched, I’ve said “questionable” things about (in no particular order) myself, black men, black women, white women, white men, midgets, crackheads, Mexicans, Deltas, AKA’s, Kappas, Pittsburgh, dead people, NYC, MLK, Michael Jackson, Harlem, Cincinnati, the space program, short men, tall women, my parents, my girlfriend, my penis, the entire South American continent, people who don’t agree with me, people who do agree with me, people with stupid names, Detroit, everything below the Mason-Dixon line, and God.

And, from what I’ve been told, this — the fact that I try not to segregate my snark — is one of my best and most appreciated qualities as a writer.

Now, I happened to have Gchat open yesterday while I was writing this entry, and I told three of my more snark-appreciating and encouraging friends about my plans for today’s post.

Their responses:

Friend 1:

“um…where you going with this?. if in the end you’re saying “i love the gays”. i guess it’s cool. but you have to be careful. i think you’d be ok. but you may need to do the obligatory disclaimer in bold at the top of the blog post”

Friend 2:

“Down with your head. Hope you have your suit picked out for your funeral”

Friend 3:

“do you have any gay friends to float the idea with?. im not saying u gotta be totally pc, but its good to get a gauge. dont want to end up like Hustle Man. he’s pickin up the pieces

*mournfully plays the kazoo”

Seriously, though, when did this happen? When did we all become scared to death of the Gay Mafia, and when the hell did gay people become Candyman? Who made the rule that if you say “American Apparel” five times in the mirror, Nathan Lane will jump out and disembowel you?

5. They straight-up murder careers

I went car shopping with Lady Champ a few days ago. She wasn’t looking to buy anything, but she just wanted to get an idea about prices and test drive a few models.

Anyway, a black salesman was particularly helpful while we were there; recommending certain models, letting us know about certain deals,and generally being very accommodating. He had a familiar face and voice, but I couldn’t quite place where I recognized him from. After drawing blanks on the usuals — “Where are you from?”, “Did I play ball with you?”, “What high school did you go to?”, etc — I finally broke down and just asked him for his full name.

His reply?

“Isaiah Washington”

Anyway, people of, are you also completely scared of the Gay Mafia? Do you check your closets at night for Rosie O’Donnell like I do?

Also, can you think of any other examples of their fierceness, and can someone please tell me exactly how they grew to be so damn gangsta?

—The Champ

Don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • Hijacked rainbows. Rainbows used to be about ya know ummm, post rainstorm hope and sh*t, Care Bears, and gangsta leprechauns selling bootleg lucky charms. Nope not anymore, they straight up stole it.

  • Tes

    That last line made me gasp!

    As for why the gays rule…they have stock in pretty much every freaking thing. That and, on average, they cry/stan/protest more about small children, education, equality, animals, rights (civil and implied), politicis, fashion, and music than most straight folks. Revolutionaries with rainbows – that’s always been the dream. :)

  • So the point is that you’re not gay?

  • ShardeMarie

    RIP Isaiah Washington’s career.
    But now that you mention it, I think a lot of us do tip toe around gayness and such. If you do make a joke about the gays, you have to wrap it in fabulousness and play Elton John music while you’re doing it just to make sure nobody jumps out the closet and b*tch slaps you (no pun intended)

  • Gay Mafia = Illuminati. Tyrese has a best-selling book and spent Father’s Day in the Hamptons, but let him tweet some homophobic stuff tomorrow. He be done found hisself back in Watts on the city bus with nothing to his name but a coke and a smile.

  • This was completely funny and true.. The Gay Mafia has punked us all. We gotta be politically correct with them or fear getting publicly slapped.

  • Nope. But all the gay people I’ve met are fond of me though so the thought of being ‘attacked’ by them has never really crossed my mind. I’m always openly critical of organizations like GLAAD though.

  • OMG, before I delve into what I’m sure will be a delightful read, I just had to get all of my chuckles out. Gay Mafia!?!

  • I used the term “no homo” in a blog post of mine…and my english instructor (who happens to be a lesbian) got somewhat offended.

    she got me feelin’ kinda bad afterwards

  • Ghi

    I saw Isaiah Washington’s premier on Single Ladies last night. :-/ So it’s indeed safe to say his career was axed by the gay mafia. Shouts to them. Black America needs to study their technique. Impressive

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