While I doubt you’ll find either Panama or I at any Neighborhood Watch meetings (Liz, on the other hand, is a Neighborhood Watch Stan. She even walks the streets of Harlem three nights a week with a bullhorn and a white t-shirt with “You’re being watched” in black block letters. It’s not a game with Liz’s neighborhood watch game), we hope that our advice and suggestions lead to a happy, smart, and well-adjusted populace. Since “happy, smart, and well-adjusted people” usually equals “better interpersonal relationships“, and “better interpersonal relationships” usually equal “less murders“, you can see how committed we are to fighting crime.
With this in mind, my completely unscientific observations tell me the bedroom is the cause of most crime. More specifically, what happens (and doesn’t happen) in the sack eventually leads to most of the world’s sadness, sorrow, suffering, and Soulja Boy, and much of this could be prevented if we just started asking ourselves the right questions before making the beast with two backs.
1. Would somebody have to die if someone got pregnant?
Since pregnancy is always a possibility when penetration is involved, this question actually ranks up there with “Wait, shouldn’t that cage be locked?” and “Has my penis always been that color?” on the list of “The Most Important Questions You Can Ask Yourself, Ever“.
Basically, if you’re thinking about sleeping with someone and the mere thought of them possibly contributing to your gene pool makes you want to invest in bleach and roach repellent, maybe the ol’ roll in the hay might be a worse idea than “Outsourced”
2. Is there a chance my happy ass might catch feelings?
3. I know I could really give two sh*ts about this sex, but is there a chance their happy ass might catch feelings?
Just think about how different our world would be if everyone asked themselves these questions before boning. While our music and movies would undoubtedly be less interesting, imagine a world where no Facebook accounts were hacked, no cars were keyed, and no one had to waste precious working hours reading, deleting, and reporting manic 3000 word emails about why you and “that n*gga who left your apartment at 3:47am last night” are going to die.
4. Wait, why exactly am I doing this again?
***a conversation I’ve had with at least five different friends in the past year***
“Well, I slept with this guy, and now I regret it”
“Were you dating him?”
“What do you mean by “dating”?”
“Never mind. We’re you attracted to him?”
“I guess. He has really nice knees sometimes”
“Well, were you horny, at least?”
“Not really. I mean, sort of, but it was Wednesday, you know?”
Seriously, If I had a dollar for every friend I know who has put themselves in a sexual malaise (which eventually led to a life malaise, which eventually led to thoughts of crime) because they’re sleeping with people they don’t really want to sleep, I’d have…well, I’d have alot of f*cking dollars.
5. What do I do if it’s wack?
Like all other natural disasters and catastrophes, we should each have a pre-planned wack sex contingency plan in place that prepares you for every possibility.
Are you so invested in the relationship that wackness wouldn’t matter, or will a night of bad boning ruin everything? Are you willing to try again? In case of an unexpected coital calamity (ie: the sex is excessively wack with no room for improvement, but circumstances dictate you have to spend the night), do you have a fallout shelter (ie: a couch, a spare bedroom, a bathtub) where you can weather the storm? If you happen to be wack, do you have your “sorry for the wackness” speech prepared, and are you mentally prepared to face the inevitable gauntlet of private (and possibly public) disappointment?
Anyway, people of VSB, can you think of any other questions we should ask ourselves before we decide to sleep with someone?
Also, has there even been a time when you probably should have asked yourself one of the questions on the list?
Remember, crime-fighting is a collective effort, and we all we got!