5 Questions We All Need To Ask Ourselves Before Having Sex

I’m sorry. I guess I just had alot on my mind. It’ll be better next time, I promise.

While I doubt you’ll find either Panama or I at any Neighborhood Watch meetings (Liz, on the other hand, is a Neighborhood Watch Stan. She even walks the streets of Harlem three nights a week with a bullhorn and a white t-shirt with “You’re being watched” in black block letters. It’s not a game with Liz’s neighborhood watch game), we hope that our advice and suggestions lead to a happy, smart, and well-adjusted populace. Since “happy, smart, and well-adjusted people” usually equals “better interpersonal relationships“, and “better interpersonal relationships” usually equal “less murders“, you can see how committed we are to fighting crime.

With this in mind, my completely unscientific observations tell me the bedroom is the cause of most crime. More specifically, what happens (and doesn’t happen) in the sack eventually leads to most of the world’s sadness, sorrow, suffering, and Soulja Boy, and much of this could be prevented if we just started asking ourselves the right questions before making the beast with two backs.

1. Would somebody have to die if someone got pregnant?

Since pregnancy is always a possibility when penetration is involved, this question actually ranks up there with “Wait, shouldn’t that cage be locked?” and “Has my penis always been that color?” on the list of “The Most Important Questions You Can Ask Yourself, Ever.

Basically, if you’re thinking about sleeping with someone and the mere thought of them possibly contributing to your gene pool makes you want to invest in bleach and roach repellent, maybe the ol’ roll in the hay might be a worse idea than “Outsourced”

2. Is there a chance my happy ass might catch feelings?

3. I know I could really give two sh*ts about this sex, but is there a chance their happy ass might catch feelings?

Just think about how different our world would be if everyone asked themselves these questions before boning. While our music and movies would undoubtedly be less interesting, imagine a world where no Facebook accounts were hacked, no cars were keyed, and no one had to waste precious working hours reading, deleting, and reporting manic 3000 word emails about why you and “that n*gga who left your apartment at 3:47am last night” are going to die.

4. Wait, why exactly am I doing this again?

***a conversation I’ve had with at least five different friends in the past year***

“I’m depressed”

“Why”

“Well, I slept with this guy, and now I regret it”

“Were you dating him?”

“What do you mean by “dating”?”

“Never mind. We’re you attracted to him?”

“I guess. He has really nice knees sometimes”

“Well, were you horny, at least?”

“Not really. I mean, sort of, but it was Wednesday, you know?”

Seriously, If I had a dollar for every friend I know who has put themselves in a sexual malaise (which eventually led to a life malaise, which eventually led to thoughts of crime) because they’re sleeping with people they don’t really want to sleep, I’d have…well, I’d have alot of f*cking dollars.

5. What do I do if it’s wack?

Like all other natural disasters and catastrophes, we should each have a pre-planned wack sex contingency plan in place that prepares you for every possibility.

Are you so invested in the relationship that wackness wouldn’t matter, or will a night of bad boning ruin everything? Are you willing to try again? In case of an unexpected coital calamity (ie: the sex is excessively wack with no room for improvement, but circumstances dictate you have to spend the night), do you have a fallout shelter (ie: a couch, a spare bedroom, a bathtub) where you can weather the storm? If you happen to be wack, do you have your “sorry for the wackness” speech prepared, and are you mentally prepared to face the inevitable gauntlet of private (and possibly public) disappointment?

Anyway, people of VSB, can you think of any other questions we should ask ourselves before we decide to sleep with someone?

Also, has there even been a time when you probably should have asked yourself one of the questions on the list?

Remember, crime-fighting is a collective effort, and we all we got!

—The Champ

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    Other questions to ask:

    * Has this person ever slept with Ket Stecks?
    * Does this person remind me of Ket Stecks?
    * Will I get more than twel mufugging hunnid dollas for this?

    Thank me now.

    • http://www.soulections.com saule wright

      You know Luvvie, that was nice refreshing mouthful of water you just made me spit out. I’ll need that refunded “Ehmeedjately” (c) Marcus Monkeyhand Strong III

      • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

        Do you take dereon dollars? Or coupons to the Piggly Wiggly? If not, then I can’t e’em help you.

        • http://www.soulections.com saule wright

          hmmmmmmmm, how many coupons to the Piggly Wiggly you got?

    • blu skyez

      1. Am I married to this person?

      If yes, have sex. If no, stop, drop, roll, then leave.

      2. W.W.J.D?

      3. Aids or herpes?

      4. Aids or herpes?

      5. Genital Leprosy or Genital spontaneous combustion?

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        YES aids or herpes should be on everyone’s mind. lol good one.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          YES aids or herpes should be on everyone’s mind. lol good one.

          you know, i’ve heard and read numerous times that a good percentage of us (like 40-50 percent. maybe even more) have some sort of herpes, and this makes me wonder if it’s one of those things that carry a horrible stigma that it really doesn’t deserve. #topicforanotherday

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            There are diff strands of herpes Champ. Most people (like 90% or something like that) have herpes. Type 1 which is HSV-1 lies dormant in your blood stream of spine (can’t remember which one) and a bump can surface during stress or colds, etc mostly in/on the mouth. Then the type 2 hsv-2 is on the genitals and that’s a diff type of herpes. That’s not common and you get that sexually. Type 2 is not overrated and not something I want to get in this lifetime.

            • CNotes

              @SFG

              But essentially the only difference really is where they show up (Oral vs. Genital), right? Both lay dormant until an outbreak occurs, produce blisters, can be asymptomatic and can be contagious. No?

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                Yes but I believe 2 breakouts more often and more contagious. I have to look it up though and can’t at work for the obvious reasons. 1 is triggered more by stress/fevers and occur less often in americans. For example, I’ve never had a cold sore on my lips…never but I’ve had a sore on the inside of my gum which the doctor told me is a “fever blister”…it’s very confusing. So I just look out for bumps in all areas.

              • Caballeroso

                Per the CDC (my PSA for today):

                “Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the herpes simplex viruses type 1 (HSV-1) or type 2 (HSV-2). Most genital herpes is caused by HSV-2. Most individuals have no or only minimal signs or symptoms from HSV-1 or HSV-2 infection. When signs do occur, they typically appear as one or more blisters on or around the genitals or rectum. The blisters break, leaving tender ulcers (sores) that may take two to four weeks to heal the first time they occur. Typically, another outbreak can appear weeks or months after the first, but it almost always is less severe and shorter than the first outbreak. Although the infection can stay in the body indefinitely, the number of outbreaks tends to decrease over a period of years.

                How common is genital herpes?
                Results of a nationally representative study show that genital herpes infection is common in the United States. Nationwide, 16.2%, or about one out of six, people 14 to 49 years of age have genital HSV-2 infection. Over the past decade, the percentage of Americans with genital herpes infection in the U.S. has remained stable.

                Genital HSV-2 infection is more common in women (approximately one out of five women 14 to 49 years of age) than in men (about one out of nine men 14 to 49 years of age). Transmission from an infected male to his female partner is more likely than from an infected female to her male partner.

                How do people get genital herpes?
                HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be found in and released from the sores that the viruses cause, but they also are released between outbreaks from skin that does not appear to have a sore. Generally, a person can only get HSV-2 infection during sexual contact with someone who has a genital HSV-2 infection. Transmission can occur from an infected partner who does not have a visible sore and may not know that he or she is infected.

                HSV-1 can cause genital herpes, but it more commonly causes infections of the mouth and lips, so-called “fever blisters.” HSV-1 infection of the genitals can be caused by oral-genital or genital-genital contact with a person who has HSV-1 infection. Genital HSV-1 outbreaks recur less regularly than genital HSV-2 outbreaks.”

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                I copy/pasted my comment from below:

                LOL! Yep. I just googled it. 90% of Americans have herpes-1. 90%!! Lawd. 42% have herpes-2 and they are different. 1 vs 2 is not based on location but the TYPE of strand. We gettin edumacated today. lol

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                Oh sh*t FALSE. I asked my momma da docta…(no for real she a dr)…
                88% of Americans have herpes 1 hsv-1 and 25% of Americans have genital herpes hsv-2 They are not the same…I repeat HSV-1 and HSV-2 are NOT the same, they don’t even look the same and are diff strands. Please don’t scare me Cab! lol HSV-1 looks like small sores usually white and can be open most commonly located on the mouth. HSV-2 can be larger, sometimes green with fluid more like blisters most commonly located on the genitals and mouth. Someone with hsv-1 can infect your genitals but rarely does this occur and you most often won’t know or have symptoms. – per Dr. Momma SFG

            • The Frog Princess

              I’d also like to add that if your partner pleasures your genitals orally while they have an HSV-1 breakout, than it will turn into HSV-2 for the receiver and hence – you got the luggage!

              No thank you. I get blood work done every 6 months and I require that from anyone that I’m having $ex with. I have too many friends down here in Sodom and Atlanta that has the Herp and that’s just some baggage I’m not willing to carry.

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                Whaaa? I’ve never heard that. If I read it right you’re saying if the person has hsv-1 cold sore and gives me oral, I’ll get hsv-2? Bajesus! I never knew that.

              • JessicaL

                Not necessarily because you can get either virus in either location. So it doesn’t change it will still be the same strain of virus.

              • Tx10inch

                Mayne, I JUST got my 6month done! All clear ova here. STD free. Thank ya Geesus!! Lol

              • Justsoyouknow

                STD test do not test for Herpes (either strain of it). There is no way for them to determine if you have genital Herpes through blood work. They can only determine it by taking a sample of any legions or blisters that appear on your genitals. Allso, the test will not work if the sores have healed.
                As per my G.P.
                The thing with Herpes is that even if a blister doesn’t form, because it resides on the nerve it usually causes some sort of nerve pain, or at least a tingling sensation when it’s active. If you feel that continously, you know you are going to have an outbreak (Well at least on the mouth, I am not certain about on the genitals).
                Either way, a clear STD test does NOT mean you do not have herpes or cannot pass it. There is no way to determine if you have Herpes unless you get tested for it during an outbreak.

              • Justsoyouknow

                STD tests cannot test for Herpes (either strain). The herpes virus does not show up in blood work. The only way to test for herpes is to take a sample of the lesion or sore during an outbreak. Also, if the sores have healed the test will not work.
                As per my G.P.
                The thing is although sometimes the sores do not show, becasue the virus rests on your nerve it can cause a pain or tingling sensation before an outbreak (well at least for oral Herpes, I am not certain about Genital). So that is probably the only way one can determine if they are about particualrly contagious at the time (although according to some parmacists you are basically always contagious when you have Herpes).
                Either way, both strains of Herpes cannot be tested for in STD tests.

            • GA PEACH

              I’d also like to add to CNotes’ and Frog Princess’ statements, that herpes can travel no matter what type you have. So you can actually transmit Type 2 to your mouth and Type 1 to your genitals and they all look the same. People just try to gloss over Type 1 by saying it’s a cold sore….NO SIR you have the HERP…..please pass go and you may collect a visit to the free clinic.

              • JessicaL

                This convo reminds me of an old John Leguizamo stand up joke where he talks about his feminist aunt. She questions him on why it’s called herpes and not himpes, lol.

              • Orange Star Happy Hunting

                GAPEACH pretty much!!!
                Champ, 1/2 the black pop has one form or another, so the stigma comes about from folk not being educated on the subject.

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                LOL! Yep. I just googled it. 90% of Americans have herpes-1. 90%!! Lawd. 42% have herpes-2 and they are different. 1 vs 2 is not based on location but the TYPE of strand. We gettin edumacated today. lol

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                Again for us down here cause I’m mis-educatin folks like Lauryn Hill. Here da truf:

                Oh sh*t FALSE. I asked my momma da docta…(no for real she a dr)…
                88% of Americans have herpes 1 hsv-1 and 25% of Americans have genital herpes hsv-2 They are not the same…I repeat HSV-1 and HSV-2 are NOT the same, they don’t even look the same and are diff strands. Please don’t scare me Cab! lol HSV-1 looks like small sores usually white and can be open most commonly located on the mouth. HSV-2 can be larger, sometimes green with fluid more like blisters most commonly located on the genitals and mouth. Someone with hsv-1 can infect your genitals but rarely does this occur and you most often won’t know or have symptoms. – per Dr. Momma SFG

              • V Renee

                Chicken pox is also part of the herpes family.

                They are not the same…I repeat HSV-1 and HSV-2 are NOT the same, they don’t even look the same and are diff strands. .

                They are pretty much the same though. According to CDC –

                “Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease (STD) caused by the herpes simplex viruses type 1 (HSV-1) or type 2 (HSV-2). ”

                So technically if you have a cold sore in your mouth and give someone a BJ or lick the cooter, you can give them a STD.

                And they look the same under a microscope.

              • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

                That’s it. I’m buying a mini flashlight and keepin that thang in my night stand. Dang.

    • Jaitee

      “Will I get more than twel mufugging hunnid dollas for this?”

      That sounds like something we’d say in Memphis lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      you know, i think one way bishop long could bounce back is if he saved kat stacks. i mean, she’s obviously the anti-Christ, so saving her would prove his spiritual chops

    • mssmtaylor

      Has this person ever slept with Ket Stecks?
      * Does this person remind me of Ket Stecks?
      * Will I get more than twel mufugging hunnid dollas for this?

      This brought tears to my eyes.

    • JessicaL

      LMAO! @ Luvvie
      @ champ very good questions but that answer to your last question is i’d tell them to stop. I’ve done it once before the guy was wack so I told him to get off me. Why should I boost his self-confidence? Then we both lose.

      • Tatiana

        *high fives and flying chest bumps JessicaL*

        Thank you. If more of us chicks would stop worrying about dude’s pride and let ‘em know when they suck at the seksi tyme, we’d all be better off.

        • JessicaL

          *high fives and flying chest bumps JessicaL*

          Right back atcha lol

          I like to think I helped the next girl because maybe he stepped his game up.

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    * Are you about to sleep with Kat Stacks/Supahead/Lil Wayne/Neffe? Don’t get mad when you get (her) pregnant or catch an STD visible to the naked eye

    • Jhane Sez

      “Are you about to sleep with Kat Stacks/Supahead/Lil Wayne/Neffe? Don’t get mad when you get (her) pregnant or catch an STD visible to the naked eye”

      Blue waffles anyone… (google it in private cause its NSFW)

      Also do you know their real name?

      It might be helpful to have more than facebook and the boost mobile digits ~JS

      • Deviant

        Ugh.

        I regret doing that already.

      • Yonnie 3000

        I googled Blue Waffle but couldn’t bring myself to go to the ‘images’ tab after reading the brief descriptions

  • http://www.iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Have you checked the room for recording devices? You’ll thank me when you run for political office.

    • legitimate_soul

      I posted something similar. I remember getting e-mails years ago (remember back in the day when you would get an e-mail with jokes, photos, and things before YouTube?) of some people being recorded and I mean it looked as if the person that recorded the other person was doing it as a revenge plot. Next to the most revealing and compromising photos was the persons full name, phone numbers, and organization affiliations. How it was done did NOT seem fake and was before other websites and certain advances. It really made me think that there are people out here with no qualms recording people and putting them on blast. After I got those e-mails I never forwarded them. I couldn’t control who got them, but I did make sure I never played a part in someone else’s mortification by passing that e-mail along. I always wondered what if that person’s family saw that? It was just messed up. Made me tell my friends to check the closet, under the bead, and that teddy bear on the TV.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “blasters” (people who put other’s intimate information on blast) are some of the worst people on the planet

    • Jhane Sez

      “Have you checked the room for recording devices?”

      I have an i-Phone app for that… ~JS

    • oftenconfused

      Good one!!!

    • CNotes

      @I Am Your People

      Ummmmm……very good question!

    • http://twitter.com/imhotep06 stlunatic
      • legitimate_soul

        That is just terrible and sad!

  • Anne O’Nymous

    I should have asked myself No. 5, as applied to myself. I recently found out from my significant other and monogamous activities partner that I’m bad in bed, and I’m devastated. What do I do, Very Smart Family? What do I do?

    And none of that, “well if you love each other, it’s okay” garbage.
    :: Places self at the altar for a life change ::

    • B. Brown

      There are two things I can think of, and the right answer is probably to do both: check out some books and talk to your SO. If you look into the right books (particularly kama sutra guides), you can find out some pretty nifty information. If your SO told you that you’re bad, they should at least have some idea of how to make the experience better.

      I wonder if there’s an experience gap or a “willingness to adventure” gap. Neither of those cases would qualify as ‘being bad’ to me, but they may play some role in your predicament (just guessing). If so, that would depend more on you and your partner talking things out and establishing a common ground. Most important thing is not to make yourself uncomfortable for the sake of your SO. Just be yourself and be open with your SO. If they’re really that significant, solving this issue shouldn’t be difficult at all.

      • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

        @B Brown..
        thanks for almost coming to the rescue in yesterday’s post! ;)

        • B. Brown

          Not a problem. Didn’t think you’d need it, but it was there just in case you didn’t feel like dealing with all that anymore.

          • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

            ah.. im not afraid of cyber-attacks.
            but nice to have ppl in my corner!
            offers tentative e-hug. lol.

    • http://www.soulections.com saule wright

      I have news for you Anne, at Saule Wright’s AllRight Sex Therapy, we can help. Our class begins with rigoress testing to find out your current Sex-ionality then….what…she said monogamous? Oh,abort abort.

      Ask him what he wants that you, realistically, can do to make it better. We will always say sum’n like get surgery to put hinges on your hips so your legs flip up like lambo doors. So ignore the first 4 or 5 responses, they will be related to some shit we saw Kapri Styles or Italia Blu (ahhhhhh, sorry, – end daydream sequence) do in a c*ckumentary.

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        DEEEAAAAAAADDDD! 6ft under w/ maggots

    • APM

      People are usually bad in bed when they dont listen. Ask your partner/s what they want or need from you and listen and do your best to do that.

    • Jhane Sez

      “I recently found out from my significant other and monogamous activities partner that I’m bad in bed, and I’m devastated. What do I do, Very Smart Family? What do I do?”

      Bad in bed for women usually starts with internal desire… are you having a good time?

      Cause if you aren’t having orgasms, you can’t give them.

      Real talk… you can read about technique all day long but if you don’t have the desire you aren’t going to be “good”.

      If you are just lifting your nightgown so he can enjoy himself and then get yours through cuddling he is not going to view that as a good thing.

      My suggestion is get “in touch” with your own desires and fantasies first… figure out what makes you feel your sexiest… experiment in private with clothes, scents, actions that send you over the top.

      And then share the wealth… and don’t hold back be as explicit and visual as possible.

      Then ask him what he wants… because if you are amped up you will find yourself more… shall we say, open to his suggestions.

      After this introduce the karma sutra… and read it together after you have bookmarked some things you would like to try and then let him pick some things…

      The real fun comes when you try to decide what to do first ~JS

      • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

        via Jhane Sez <—follow this advice. 100% on point.

        Sex for us ladies is mostly psychological..so something is blocking you from engaging fully in the experience. find this and you will find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

        Curious: how in the world did you take that?? How did he say it?

        • Anne

          “Curious: how in the world did you take that?? How did he say it?”

          I didn’t take it well, I’d say, especially since I kind of dragged it out of him. He admitted it as nicely as can be expected.

          I was way more hurt than I thought I’d be, but then I didn’t want to make him feel bad for being honest…I felt like I’d been living a lie my whole sex life, ya know? I feel like ladies, particularly when we’re with our best girlfriends, are always talking up how well we put it down. And so this may sound bad, but I questioned a lot more of the aspects of my womanhood than maybe I should have.

          I’m hoping maybe I will be able to keep the lines of communication open between us, and from some good old porn-watching, and honest discussion between the 2 of us, I’ll get over this and on top of…well, you know.

      • V Renee

        Your nickname is the Professor, because you’ve been dropping knowledge left and right over the past couple of days.

    • Muffyn

      ask him what he likes then get books and movies and get to studying

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      Watch p0rn. P0rn taught me much of my chex game. Just don’t be a lazy lover. Learn to ride good and give good head and he should be happy. Another trick I learned is to open your legs as wide as you can which usually makes the poon tighter, you can also squeeze the muscles to send him over the edge. Find some diff positions and stretch your legs as much as you can. Work your hips and learn to give it back, not just take it. Like I said, learn to ride him good. If your D riding game is good, he’ll be happy.

      • http://www.twitter.com/quiethaylestorm Keisha Brown

        co-sign.
        key word: kegels.

        • JessicaL

          THIS!

      • Tx10inch

        @smartfox
        ummmm, are u EVER in Tx?

      • Anne

        Thanks girl! I’m going to watch some porn to try to get the riding game up.

    • CNotes

      @Anne O’Nymous

      The first question I would ask myself is, “Was the sex good to me”? That will allow you to be honest with yourself and to determine if the two of you have similar or totally different ideas of what constitutes “good” sex.

      Are you in “Touch” with “Yourself” physically? (focus on quoted words). I only say this because knowing what arouses you physically can determine what you give off sexually.

      If you determine, “You know what? (throws cards on the table), I probably could use a little help on what positions to do and favors to give (and received…*wink*).” Then pron is your friend!

      Use that “devastated” energy to fuel your determination to step up your chexy game. Good luck!

      • V Renee

        “Was the sex good to me”? .

        *Nodding*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      ?I should have asked myself No. 5, as applied to myself. I recently found out from my significant other and monogamous activities partner that I’m bad in bed, and I’m devastated. What do I do, Very Smart Family? What do I do?”

      welcome and sh*t. and, it would be helpful in terms of advice if you were able to say exactly what was said about your bedroom behavior (without being too graphic)

      • Anne

        Well, he said my h- – d game needs work. could this be a matter of his personal preference?

        Also, he said that I don’t r-de particularly well. Should I just avoid this position and stick to others? I feel like the h- -d and r-ding are 2 big departments, though.

        On the bright side, he likes that I’m “always down” to do it in general, and to try new stuff.

        • Caballeroso

          Regarding the h–d game, a lady friend of mine said she learned by using her mouth to melt a frozen Snicker bar.

        • Mo-VSS

          One word…tuorials.

          Set them up and ASAP. Me and mine had to do this once I realized that he never really got off on h–d (from anyone, not just me) and he’d never told anyone how he wanted it done. So, I said “cool…teach me” Let’s just say you’ll know pretty quickly once your h–d game as improved. LOL

          And about riding…why would you avoid that position and all its glory? No way. Again, tutorials missy! Don’t just sit there and bob up and down. Grind on it, switch positions (reverse cowgirl, the squatter, etc) and gauge his reaction to it. Also, ASK HIM while it’s going down so he can give you the thumbs up or down. Don’t be embarassed about asking either.

          And yeah, watch porn for technique. I would *ahem* recommend some, but I think I’d get banned for doing so.

        • Keisha Brown

          @Anne
          not to get all dr phil on ya.. (well..sorta)

          how do you FEEL when you are doing these things? are you confident in your abilities? do you feel awkward? is he comparing you to an ex-girl who might have been a stripper pt?
          do you have a look of boredom or disgust when suckin on his lollipop? are you more concerned with gravity and positioning than actually bringing yourself (and therefore him) to..um..arrival?

          • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

            Besides laughing my @ss of at your reply, I agree…confidence is everything plus look at his face. His face will tell you.

          • Anne

            Well I think that’s exactly my problem… I always have enjoyed the hell out of the sex! So when I’m down there, or on top of there, I’ve always been working it like I’m a pro…or so I thought. So, I think my feelings might have just been hurt because I thought I was awesome, but it turns out that I’m not.

        • legitimate_soul

          @ Anne,

          Re: H–D Game-I had typed out a response that although didn’t have any no-no words was probably a bit too graphic. That said, you may want to ask about preferences because everyone is different. Depending on sensitivity some don’t want hoover vacuum action, for, ummm, example….

          • Mr SoBo

            I agree. Some of what this gentleman may be telling you is related to his personal preference. However, since you are with him, it may be in your relationship’s interest to try to adjust and accomodate one another’s tastes and preferences.
            In regards to ‘Nuerology’, well…..that all depends on the surgeon. Unfortunately, some women try to overdo it. The hoover vacuum action can be a turn off. As well as the extra slurpy noises some women like to make while performing. It’s a dyck, not a cup of coffee. All that sloppy slurpy noise aint necessary. But then again, to each is own.

    • Mo (VSS)

      1) Find out what he/she means by “bad”. It could mean a few different things from the moist-level (if you’re a female) to the rhythm being off. Once you figure that out, then you can do something about it.

      2) Research. Talk to your dr about any physical things you may need to correct (if any, I’m just throwing this out there). Watch adult movies (to laugh…and get some pointers) and just be open with him/her on what he/she wants.

      3) And…if there’s any room for improvement on his/her end, tell him/her. I usually find that wackness is confinded to one person. At times folks have “off” nights or whatever, but if it’s consistently wack, he/she shares some of the blame.

  • Nicci

    This article was hilarious.. and definitely thought-provoking, too. I know at least 25 people that should read this!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      just 25? i know of at least 25 million people that need to start asking themselves these questions (surprisingly, a third of them are from detroit)

      • The Law

        i know of at least 25 million people that need to start asking themselves these questions (surprisingly, a third of them are from detroit)

        Um, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

        Thatisall.

        #TeamDetroit

  • Megan

    “Would I trust ‘em with my car?” sounds almost conservative in comparison, but covers the basics.

    • B. Brown

      I really like this, especially I’m very particular with who drives my car.

    • Oftenconfused

      EXACTLY nah I wouldn’t give him the keys to my house or my car but sure I can let hom inside my body. WTHeck!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Would I trust ‘em with my car?” sounds almost conservative in comparison, but covers the basics.

      good one. its funny how some of us sleep with people we wouldn’t even trust with 10 dollars

      • Alexis

        LOL, of all the guys I’ve slept with I wouldn’t loan none of em a dolla! LOLCI

  • http://www.shay-d-lady.com shay-d-lady.com

    lol do you go to bishop eddie longs church?

    if ;this goes down where am i sleeping and what will i be wearing when I leave.. if its planned its more likely i will be sleeping comfortably after it goes down, with a pre packed “overnight bag”…
    if its an impromptu visit will i have to make the walk of shame back to my car at 4 am barefoot because im still dressed from the club and my feet have swollen so I cant get my 5 inch platform stilettos back on?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      if its an impromptu visit will i have to make the walk of shame back to my car at 4 am barefoot because im still dressed from the club and my feet have swollen so I cant get my 5 inch platform stilettos back on?

      sounds like you’ve asked yourself this question more than a few times before

  • LC

    When was the last time you went to the doctor? Have you had any burning or itching sensations lately? What’s your credit score?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      not sure how asking myself my own credit score before getting in the sack helps in any way, but different strokes i guess

  • http://thecochranfirm.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/october-is-domestic-violence-awareness-month/ Dasher of The Newport Dashers

    If I get this p**** will s/he tell on me?

    • http://www.twitter.com/Stank_0 Stank-0

      iHollered!

      For a good 15-30 seconds. Ihatechu so much right. Kelis. Nas stay losin.

      Another question, if I “pastor chase” instead,would I still want to? I have to 99.9999999% the answer will be no.

    • Jhane Sez

      “If I get this p**** will s/he tell on me?”

      Yes… yes she will.

      And before you get to your car she will have posted her youtube version of If That’s Your Boyfriend He Wasn’t Last Night on your girl’s facebook wall~JS

  • http://www.internetdrama.wordpress.com internetdrama

    The answer to 2 and 3 is classic! A good one to ask is ” do I care if he calls after we have sex?”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      good question and sh*t

    • http://www.divinetranquility.wordpress.com Miss Patterson

      I think you can ask these questions all you want, but men who just want to smash are relying on our aloof attitude towards catching feelings seconds before you do the do. It’s all part of the game. Warm it up, tease it, and then drop a “oh by the way, i’m not looking for anything serious.” or a “If something goes down, we’ll be cool, right?” Women are at fault too by assuming that they are special enough (personality wise or p***y-wise) to morph a pimp into a relationshipy guy. But um, wouldn’t it just be easier for everyone involved if men didn’t prey on our weakness and were simply non-manipulative, good people? :) Yeah, I thought so.

    • http://twitter.com/thepopculturist thepopculturist (aka BKSweetheart)

      I’ve asked myself this question EVERY time before sleeping w someone new lol