Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

5 “Not-All-That-Talked-About” Fears Every Man Has

I'm sorry. I really don't know what happened to me just now. Would it cheer you up if I made you some eggs? I know eggs can't replace sex, but they are some damn good eggs.

“And that is what I am slowly being enlightened about today. I genuinely had no idea guys worried that much about their women cheating.”

This was a comment left by veteran VSB-er WIP in Monday’s A Conversation About Double Standards And How “Reformed Homosexual Man” = “Promiscuous Woman.” It was a response to the assertion that the threat of female infidelity definitely affects how we  (men) act. And, to be clear, it’s not so much that men worry all day long about whether their mate is cheating on them. The angst and anxiety happen beforehand, as we’re much less likely to choose mates who give off a “Yeah, you’re probably not going to be enough for me” signal.

Anyway, WIP’s lack of awareness of this very real fear made me wonder if there were any other prominent fears held by (many) men that (most) women have absolutely no idea about, and I thought of four more.

2. Unknowingly raising a kid that’s not yours

While many men will willingly help raise the child(ren) of a woman who had kids before they met each other, the prospect of loving, supporting, and protecting a kid who was assumed to be our kid but really isn’t scares us worse than prison, urinal rats, and the thought of period sex with Lisa Lampanelli. In fact, this — the fear of raising a kid who isn’t yours — may be the main reason why “promiscuous woman anxiety” exists.

3. Wang failure at the worst possible time

If “wrong f*cking time wang failure” —- and, for clarity, wrong time wang failure is when you get a once in a lifetime opportunity (i.e.: for whatever reason, Stacey Dash wants you right now) and can’t perform — isn’t bad enough, making it worse is the fact that it’s largely psychosomatic and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, sometimes wang failure occurs just because of how badly you want to sleep with and please this person. Your interest and excitement works against you. And, adding insult to injury, the more you think about it and want it, the less likely you’ll be able to reverse it. Perhaps God isn’t a woman, but studies like this definitely make me think he must be a Kappa.

4. Getting “bitched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman or children

For those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again

5. Unauthorized sperm theft

Out of all the fears, this one is the most irrational. I mean, there’s only like 16 men on the planet important enough that a woman would actually dig in the garbage to retrieve a used condom with the hope that the semen is still able to impregnate her, and I’m pretty sure none of these men read VSB. Also, there’s only like 16 women on the planet desperate and dastardly enough to do something like that, and I’m pretty sure none of the cast members of “The Real Basketball Wives of Hip-Hop” read VSB, either.

Still, despite the irrationality, it is a very real fear that some men have. I even have a friend who told me that, if sleeping with a woman at her house, he always takes the used condoms home. I didn’t have the stomach to ask how exactly he’s transporting them.

Anyway, fellas: Did I miss anything? Can you think of any other fears that women probably don’t know anything about? Also, ladies, is there anything you’re deathly afraid of that would surprise most men if we found out?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Filed Under: , , ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • EmDottie

    The first thing that comes to mind is ending up like Janet Jackson on “For Colored Girls”, but I’m sure that’s already something men know about. Especially for the men living in Atlanta.

  • http://www.brotherspanky.com BrotherSpanky

    probably hearing “i love you” maaaaad early on in the ‘courtship’ or what-have-you. there’s not a good contingency plan that exists for that (at least to my knowledge) and you end up pretty much destined to hurt her feelings and subsequent failure.

  • http://www.greenafrodiva.com Green Afro Diva

    Having a pregnancy scare especially with someone im not that into bothers me. Im always careful, but these days, u jus never know and I had a pregnancy scare before with someone I really did not want to have kids with. Now I gotta be extra careful who I ho with j/k

  • http://mrweethomas.wordpress.com weethomas

    Terrence Howard will forever be the face of emasculated black man.

  • kid video

    I think everbody has a fear of tripping up and falling in a crowded club…at that point your real name no longer matters…you are “That guy/girl who just bust they azz over there”.

  • A Woman’s Eyes

    Getting a phone call from a past or current lover that he has AIDS or is HIV positive.

  • Ash

    The friend that takes the used condoms home with him needs to take many seats. What makes his little swimmers that desirable?
    And, please introduce him to the toilet – any woman willing to scrape DNA out of a toilet bowl is a woman he’s destined (doomed?) to be with anyway.

  • That Ugly Kid

    The only one of your list I’m really concerned about is #1. Mainly because my last 4 relationships ended with the chick cheating. So that is a HUGE fear of mine. But, I can hide my insecurity about it masterfully, so the females never know. That is until I let my insecurity get the best of me, assume they’re cheating, and go f*ck their sister/friend/choir director etc.

    But here’s what I’d add to the list:

    Financial Stability: I want to be able to buy my girl anything. Within reason, of course. I mean, if she asks me to buy her some dumb sh*t like a diamond space shuttle with a pretzel interior, we’re are going to have a long talk about why she ain’t sh*t.

    But I don’t want my woman to ever have to worry about money. I said in a post a month back about how I actually LOVED shopping with women. Because I love seeing that look of pure excitement and happiness on her face as she drags me from store to store, trying on sh*t, then not buying sh*t. So yea, this is a major fear of mine.

  • Tonya

    I think my dad always felt like my brother wasn’t his. My bro is really light, while my mom, dad and I have the same skin tone.

    Never mind that my dad’s own father was light as well..

    Or that my dad himself was an unrepentant serial cheater ..wait that might have had something to do with it. ;)

  • A Woman’s Eyes

    Finding out that he has a serious mental illness that he’s not taking meds for.

More Like This