Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Pop Culture

5 movies that will end your half-assed relationship

come on, maaaan! you know this is some bullshit.

we’ve all been there before:

obnoxiously bow-tied boy at urban league happy hour approaches girl.

girl, already tipsy and unusually horny because of a rabbit mishap that morning (she wanted to use it before work, but forgot that she needed new batteries), grabs boy’s hand before he has a chance to speak, and leads him to the dance floor.

boy and girl dance in an awkwardly familiar manner, meet later at 24-hour oyster house, leave, and have aggressively mediocre sex in girl’s cat-infested duplex, fully initiating the first steps of the half-assed forced relationship dance usually done by people too decent to just have a one night stand and bounce.

the bullshit romantic relationship —where “nice” people stay in dead-end relationships much longer than they should because, well, they’re pussies— is as much of a staple in the young urban professional community as gap body spray and gentrification.

since their manners won’t let them break up on their own, those in half-assed couplings sometimes need outside forces (whether its an attractive new neighbor, an anniversary, or the threat of a nuclear war) to convince them to end this endless coital agony, and no other avenue is as efficient at reminding them how bad their relationship is than a movie.

without further ado, here’s five movies you should watch if you want out of your half-assed relationship:

1. a history of violence

why you should watch it: in the middle of a fight, tom and edie stall (viggo mortensen and maria bello) have the type of passionate, violent, nasty, monkey-matrix sex (on wooden freakin stairs!!!) your half-assed relationship ass probably hasn’t had since the first season of house. if this doesn’t make you want to get out of your self-imposed pussy-ass relationship purgatory, nothing will.

2. 50 first dates

why you should watch it: [spoiler alert] henry roth (played by some lesbian woman impersonating adam sandler) is so in love with lucy whitmore (drew barrymore) that he 1. deads his completely implausible practice of boning random hot chicks on vacation, 2. comes up with approximately 50 elaborate schemes to repeatedly woo a woman who loses her memory every 24 hours, 3. wins over said woman’s dad, brother, and best friends, and 4. marries and impregnates said woman despite the fact that she’ll need to be remind of who he and their kid is every day for the rest of their life.

he did all that for her, and the guy you have apathetic unprotected sex with twice a month can’t even remember to pull out half the time.

3. unfaithful

why you should watch it: the plot revolves around every man’s biggest nightmare —a seemingly content girlfriend/wife having an affair with a guy much younger, handsomer, and europeaner than you are— a storyline that will undoubtedly be your future if you don’t burn that bullshit ass bridge as soon as f*cking possible.

4. chris rock: never scared

why you should watch it: the only thing more awkward than being in a half-assed relationship is sitting on the couch with your melancholy mate while you’re watching a comedian talk sh*t about half-assed relationships.

5. zombieland

why you should watch it: 1. to remind you of what you two look like to your mutual friends (a zombie), and 2. to remind you of what your mutual friends are tempted to do to you every time your lifeless, depressing ass duo invites itself to an event (chop your f*cking head off).

anyway, people of vsb.com: i’m sure i’m missing a few. can you think of any other movies that would literally force someone to end their half-assed relationship if they happened to watch them?

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • charli skipper

    aw, i didn’t know the gap still made those body sprays. in other news, i think this guy i’m seeing has a madonna/whore complex. can we talk about that? and this is dead on topic because i ended my half a*s relationship for his weird little self. okay…no i didn’t.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      i think this guy i’m seeing has a madonna/whore complex. can we talk about that?

      sure. madonna and whores are two of my favorite topics

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      i think this guy i’m seeing has a madonna/whore complex. can we talk about that?

      sure. madonna and whores are two of my favorite topics

  • charli skipper

    aw, i didn’t know the gap still made those body sprays. in other news, i think this guy i’m seeing has a madonna/whore complex. can we talk about that? and this is dead on topic because i ended my half a*s relationship for his weird little self. okay…no i didn’t.

  • charli skipper

    plus, “why did i get married,” is a good one to see (no tyler perry fan). because something about the way that jerk treats his chunky jill scott of a wife just drives you to action and makes you ready to cuss a ho that don’t love you out. because your prince is out there.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      because your prince is out there.

      or not. for some people, the pot of the end of the rainbow will always be filled with shit

      • BourgieBama

        @The Champ,

        Dang, So harsh?! LOL

      • BourgieBama

        @The Champ,

        Dang, So harsh?! LOL

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      because your prince is out there.

      or not. for some people, the pot of the end of the rainbow will always be filled with shit

  • charli skipper

    plus, “why did i get married,” is a good one to see (no tyler perry fan). because something about the way that jerk treats his chunky jill scott of a wife just drives you to action and makes you ready to cuss a ho that don’t love you out. because your prince is out there.

  • charli skipper

    oh, where is everybody? i am just running all up and through it today, honey.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      “i am just running all up and through it today, honey.”

      thats what she said. and by “she” i mean “the champ”

      • 8th Wonder

        @The Champ,

        You just called yourself a girl. No need to point out the obvious.

        • Yeah…SO!?!

          @8th Wonder, lol

        • Yeah…SO!?!

          @8th Wonder, lol

      • 8th Wonder

        @The Champ,

        You just called yourself a girl. No need to point out the obvious.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      “i am just running all up and through it today, honey.”

      thats what she said. and by “she” i mean “the champ”

  • charli skipper

    oh, where is everybody? i am just running all up and through it today, honey.

  • http://www.dedicatedtotheblackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

    @charli skipper
    I cant think of anything….We are all alone…

  • http://www.dedicatedtotheblackman.wordpress.com WonderWoman

    @charli skipper
    I cant think of anything….We are all alone…

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    “I Think I Love My Wife”. Why? Because it helps the man gauge what he’d do if he had Kerry Washington trying to bed him. And it helps the woman gauge how comfortable she would be if her man had a much hotter female friend from the past.

    We all know, around your people, the guys would be lying about your responses, but eventually, you’d be honest with yourself. After all, we all know that the only person who could handle Kerry’s “white girl crazy” is John Mayer.

    • nolagirl

      @chaoticdiva,
      how come white girls were not all mad and such @ John Mayer about that statement?… what is white girl crazy?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @nolagirl,

        what is white girl crazy?

        i think it refers to a planned crazy (like getting hired as a temp somewhere just so you have access to social security numbers), instead of a sistas spontaneous crazy

        • nolagirl

          @The Champ,
          K, so I asked other men friends they also pointed to the Astronaut riding around in the diaper crazy as “white girl crazy” who knew?

        • nolagirl

          @The Champ,
          K, so I asked other men friends they also pointed to the Astronaut riding around in the diaper crazy as “white girl crazy” who knew?

        • kidSistah

          @The Champ,

          I think that calculated, planned crazy *cue Snapped* is something like white crazy altogether, not just white girl crazy.

          Think Columbine. And how no one was expecting John Malveaux.

        • kidSistah

          @The Champ,

          I think that calculated, planned crazy *cue Snapped* is something like white crazy altogether, not just white girl crazy.

          Think Columbine. And how no one was expecting John Malveaux.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @nolagirl,

        what is white girl crazy?

        i think it refers to a planned crazy (like getting hired as a temp somewhere just so you have access to social security numbers), instead of a sistas spontaneous crazy

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @nolagirl,

        You know, I wondered that. Black women got mad because John Mayer says he only gets turned on by a couple of our actresses, then his penis gets flaccid at the sight of the rest of the populus. But he hoes the life of several white women, and coins this “white girl crazy” phrase that we know we’ll hear Plies use on his next album.

      • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

        @nolagirl,

        You know, I wondered that. Black women got mad because John Mayer says he only gets turned on by a couple of our actresses, then his penis gets flaccid at the sight of the rest of the populus. But he hoes the life of several white women, and coins this “white girl crazy” phrase that we know we’ll hear Plies use on his next album.

    • nolagirl

      @chaoticdiva,
      how come white girls were not all mad and such @ John Mayer about that statement?… what is white girl crazy?

    • Classic

      Word

    • Classic

      Word

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    “I Think I Love My Wife”. Why? Because it helps the man gauge what he’d do if he had Kerry Washington trying to bed him. And it helps the woman gauge how comfortable she would be if her man had a much hotter female friend from the past.

    We all know, around your people, the guys would be lying about your responses, but eventually, you’d be honest with yourself. After all, we all know that the only person who could handle Kerry’s “white girl crazy” is John Mayer.

More Like This