5 Black Women Every Black Man Has Dated
Last week, the homie Demetria Lucas listed the “10 Guys Black Women From Anywhere May Actually Have Dated”—a response to a similar piece at the Washington Post that profiled “D.C. guys” but wasn’t very racially inclusive.
I was intrigued and amused by the list. But, since I don’t date Black men, I also felt excluded. I do have experience dating Black women though, so I decided to offer my own, sista-centric list.
And, considering that Demetria’s piece was a response to “The 10 D.C. Guys We’ve All Dated”, which was a response to “The 10 Best Cities for Single Women”, this a response to a response to a response. (Yes, that sentence gave me a nose bleed too.)
1. The Stealth Church Bomber
Everything between you two is going great. You sincerely laugh at her jokes, your boys like the idea of her, she’s great at making tea, and you have surprisingly efficient sex.
Well, you thought everything was going great…until she hits you with the stealth church bomb.
“I like you and all, but I can’t continue this relationship if we don’t establish a relationship with God and start going to church.”
“Wait, what?” you think to yourself, as your mind races back to the sex you two had in a Banana Republic dressing room seven minutes ago. “Where is this coming from? Since when are you a Christian?”
You even glance at your phone to check every email and text message from her to see if she ever even hinted at the words “Church” or “Christ” in any of your correspondence. Maybe she said something before, but you just didn’t notice.
You don’t actually say any of this aloud, though, because you’re also a Christian, you’d also like to reestablish a relationship with God, and you ultimately realize her ultimatum is a good one. But, you just don’t appreciate having the God bomb dropped on you by someone whose only references to our savior in the time you’ve known them was when her legs were wrapped around your neck.
2. The Delta
You first suspect something is a little off when you notice her iPhone background image is a baby elephant. A very cute baby elephant, but an elephant nonetheless. Another silent alarm goes off the first time you enter her apartment as she asks you to take a seat on her elephant-shaped futon, which is directly adjacent to a coffee table prominently displaying three original prints of Babar the Elephant. Sitting on that table is a glass of water. After lifting it, you see that the glass features an elephant driving a pink Cadillac. You appreciate the kitsch.
While in her bed later that night, the silent alarm turns into a red flag after she pauses during fellatio, gets up, walks to her bedroom dresser, and carefully turns around each of the dozen or so tiny elephant figurines facing the bed.
As she gets back into bed, she explains:
“They can’t watch what’s about to happen.”
(Honorable Mention: The AKA)
3. The Ceaseless Selfie Shooter
At first glance, she seems normal. Sure, perhaps you thought she looked like she spends a bit too much time at Macy’s MAC counter, but you’re evolved enough to judge women on the content on their characters, not the colors of their awkwardly long eyelashes.
So, you get her number. And, when you see she’s requesting a Facebook add, you accept. Even if it doesn’t work out, you can never have too many Facebook friends, right?
Moments after you’ve accepted her add, you see that she just uploaded a new profile picture, featuring her smiling face while she’s standing next to a refrigerator.
“Cool” you think to yourself. “She must be happy about her new fridge.”
An hour later, she uploads another new profile picture, featuring her smiling face while she’s sitting on an off-white futon.
“Hmm” you think to yourself. “I guess she went on a shopping spree last weekend.”
15 minutes later, she uploads another new profile picture, featuring her smiling face while she’s standing in front of an immaculate toilet.
“Damn” you think to yourself. “Is she just photoshopping her face in front random household appliances? Is this a new fetish? Kinky! I likes!”
After this happens four more times in the next hour, you realize you’re dating a ceaseless selfie shooter. Since she looks exactly the same in each of the 27 profile pics she uploaded today, you’re not sure if she’s creating a piece of performance art or is just a raging narcissist, but you do know you’ll have to block her because 50% of your total newsfeed is comprised of her standing in front of shower curtains and empty doghouses.
4. Ms “All Of My Friends Are Already Dating White Guys, And I’m Probably Next”
It’s very hard to pinpoint any characteristics distinguishing these women from others. They look, sound, smell, and taste just like any other Black women you’ll meet. But, there’s just something about them that lets you know you’re likely the last brotha standing between them and something new. And, by “something new” I mean “someone named Philip.”
You even tell her during the first date that you assumed she had a White boyfriend. When she asks “Why?” you shrug your shoulders and shove some calamari in your mouth.
She’s a Kobe fan and you have a soul, so you both know it’s not going to work out. But while you don’t have a problem with her—or anyone!—dating and marrying “out,” you also don’t want to go down in her history as the last Black man she ever dated. (Why? Well, there might be a list somewhere that names the last Black guy each of the Black women married to White men dated. If it exists, I don’t want to be on it.)
So, you stay with her until she gets frustrated and cheats on you with an Asian woman. Not the best outcome, but at least you won’t be on the list.
5. The Manic Pixie Black Girl
You’re drawn to her because she’s not like the women you usually date. She smokes weed everyday, has deep conversations with squirrels, dresses like a genie, and has inspired you to appreciate colors and shit in a way you never did before. You’re even turned on by her cute little shoplifting habit. Basically, she’s the character Lisa Bonet plays in every movie.
But, the manic pixie dream-ness starts getting old the third or fourth time she yells at you for being “angry at her couch,” and her complete disdain for rules, order, and consistent hygiene will have you yearning to be back at the Thai-centric brunches with your Bougie Black soulmates.
That’s it for me, but I’m sure you all can do better. People of VSB, which women (and men) also need to be on this list?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)